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I love England. It has such beautiful countryside. The architecture is fantastic, and the morning skies are oh so gorgeous.
A warm, orange sunrise and a feeling of closeness that couldn’t ever be outmatched were filling mine and Jack’s bedroom. My eyelids flutter open to the sight of my husband gazing at me. His bright blue eyes and his small, loving smile fixated on my face.
That face was so beautiful, and I couldn’t help smiling back. Even after years of marriage, I haven’t grown tired of his face.
“Morning babe”
“Hey, Jack. You ok?” I replied.
“Yeah, I’m ok. We have to get up though”
Everything suddenly changes around me. It all becomes dark, and cold, and lonely.
There is no cottage in England. And…
There is no more Jack.
I sit up in my bed and let my face fall into my palms. It’s been 2 weeks since his funeral, and I still can’t accept that he’s gone. I have dreams of him. I relive the accident whenever I’m not dreaming of him. I see his reflection in mirrors. I see him out of the corner of my eye. I even see him in my apartment, in full view. I speak to him, then when I remember that he is no longer here, I feel awful.
I seriously need to get this under control. I want to cry, scream, and run away from everything. I want to run away from my grief and keep only the good memories of my late beloved labrador.
I can’t though. No matter how far I think I’ve come, I always see him out of the corner of my eye, and I’m right back to square one.
I get out of bed and put some clothes on. I hear my phone buzz, but I don’t answer it. I instruct myself to have a shower. I haven’t left my apartment in a week. I barely eat. I barely drink. I barely sleep. I just sit here, wasting away. My boss knows, and she’s willing to give me all the space I need, but that only happens for so long. The residents of The Hidden Condo have knocked on my door a few times, but I always tell them to just leave me alone.
I grab my towel from the rack above my radiator and step towards my door. I feel so nervous about going outside, but for what reason? It’s not like anyone’s going to hurt me. I don’t have Jack with me, so no-
I don’t have Jack with me.
Jack.
I push that thought aside before I burst into tears right there and take a breath. I place my paw on the handle and push it down. I pause before opening the door. I have to come out of my apartment at some point, it might as well be now.
Even though I know I’m not ready, I pull my door open. I don’t know what will face me, but I know I don’t want sympathy. Sympathy will send me back to square one, and I literally can’t afford that. I’m running out of money and need to get back to work.
Sunlight hits my eyes for the first time in over a week, and I realise just how bad I’ve gotten. It takes nearly 3 seconds for my eyes to focus on the harsh, bright light. It feels like I’m in an interrogation room, waiting to be questioned about evading taxes or something.
I look down at my body and take in how much I have deteriorated. My fur has turned from the dark grey that it normally is to a colour not too dissimilar to a faded white. My wrists, and the rest of my body, have become extremely thin due to my malnourishment. I also seem to be very weak, as I’m noticing that I’m struggling to stand and hold my towel. My shirt barely fits me since I’ve gotten so unhealthily thin, same thing with my trousers.
That doesn’t matter right now though, as I need to get back on my feet and start living again, so I close the door behind me and walk towards the communal showers. Today, I’m going to do something. I’m going to go and visit Jack’s parents. I have to. I want to talk to them about Jack, about what they missed, and see if they can help me.
I enter the communal bathroom, not expecting to see anyone as it is still early.
So imagine my surprise when there is someone else in there. A small merino sheep doing her make-up in one of the mirrors.
She notices my reflection and turns to face me. She has a cheerful smile until she sees my body fully, to which her expression changes to something of a mix of disgust and worry.
It isn’t the repulsed side of disgust though. It is more of a ‘disgusted with how you’ve treated yourself’ kind of look. She is genuinely concerned about my wellbeing, and that could have brought a tear to my eye.
“Legoshi…”
“Hi, Sebun. How are you?”
“Legoshi…” She repeats, completely ignoring my question. “What happened to you? You look terrible”
I sigh and crouch in front of her. I need to be on eye-level with her for this conversation.
“A lot has happened. As you know, I haven’t left my apartment in a week, and I’ve barely been keeping myself alive. I’ve barely eaten, drank and slept, because when I sleep, I always dream of the life I could have had with… him. I see him in mirrors, and in my apartment. I relive the accident. I’m barely coping and almost on the verge of suicide.”
The tears have started rolling down my face and my throat has started closing. I am really close to running back into my apartment and waiting it out, but I can’t do that now. I’ve come so far and I’ve unloaded so many of my pent-up feelings. I don’t feel light though. I don’t feel like a burden has been lifted. I feel worse. I feel like a heavier burden has been placed upon me, and I have to worry about Sebun’s feelings now.
Before I realise what’s happening, Sebun wraps her arms around me. I do the same. It’s nice to have basic animal contact in a time of need. It makes me feel much more light inside to say the least.
“Sorry, maybe I shouldn’t have said that,” I say before I can stop myself. I know I shouldn’t be apologising, as I have nothing to apologise for. But I also feel as if I have to. It’s a strange feeling, to say the least, but something I can’t seem to shake.
“Sugar, don’t you dare start apologisin’ to me for unloadin’ your feelings. It’s somethin’ you had to do, and I ain’t gonna condemn you for that. But…” She pauses for a second, obviously thinking of what to say next, “Thank you for this. It must feel better, right?”
I shake my head and stand up, stating that I have to get a shower. The sheep nods like she understands my pain, and that causes a smile to crawl onto my face. It feels good to be understood by a fellow animal.
I take a long while in the shower, washing a week’s worth of grime off my fur and having a good look at myself. I really have deteriorated beyond belief. I no longer look like the happy, healthy animal I once was. I no longer am the happy, healthy animal I once was.
All I am now is a disfigured monster.
—---------------------------------------------
The train is normally a place I can relax. The rumble of the 7000 series combined with the feeling of my arm wrapped around the one I love was one of the best feelings that could possibly exist.
But now, I don’t have that feeling. The rumble feels as if it’s shaking my head around, dredging up all of the memories that I had put in the back of my mind. I have no-one to wrap my arm around. It’s so lonely. I’m starting to lose all of my feelings; all of my emotions are disappearing. Gone like smoke on a windy eve.
It doesn’t help that I am receiving stares from other animals. Animals that have no idea what happened, have no idea what pain I’ve felt, have no consideration for the 6’9” wolf who is on the verge of tears. Animals you don’t know don’t look at you differently depending on how you look; of course, they’ll look at me.
I don’t even care about the stares at this point. I’ve had them thrown my way my whole life. Other animals fear me. They fear my size. They fear the fact I’m a large carnivore. They fear that I may devour them.
I fear that I may devour them too if I lose control. But that doesn’t matter right now.
I get a really strange urge and I take out my phone, gazing at my wallpaper for a second before opening my notes app. It’s a picture of Jack and I on the pier. We look so happy, like nothing could bring us apart. I want to write something about him. I have what I want in my head, but getting it onto paper (or notes app) is a lot harder than originally thought.
I spend a few more seconds thinking, then I start writing. I want a poem, and I think I know what I want to write.
After about 15 minutes of words pouring out of me, I have a result:
Night and day
I know that It’s time to let go.
I know that our love would never have died.
I won’t forget all the dreams that we had.
I still wish that you could tell me that it’s over.
Night and day, feeling empty and lonely.
You got me out of this, how I long for one more kiss.
Night and day, feeling so down
I want to stand on my knees, give me one, please.
You weren’t supposed to go away.
You had no reason to.
Even though there’s nothing to
I will still forgive you.
I miss you, Jack.
—----------------------------------------------------
Standing in front of me is the oak door that leads into Carol’s and her husband’s home. The place where the one I love spent his childhood. I have so many memories of being here, all happy apart from one thing.
Jack’s Father.
I don’t even know his name because I never bothered to learn it. The fact that he put his son through so much stress means he doesn’t deserve his name to be known. I always referred to him as “Your Father” to Jack, or “Jack’s Father” to anyone else I was talking to. My Grandfather had a particular hatred towards him since he heard him speak about ‘fags ruining the country’ back when we were in middle school, but he never let it show until Jack and I showed up at his door to tell him about us.
I snap out of my thoughts and push them aside because I won’t get anywhere if I dwell on the past.
I raise my paw to knock on the door, but stop myself, as I’m starting to regret coming here. I came here on a whim, I didn’t call before setting off. I only remembered their address from the countless times I dropped Jack off at his place.
I swallow my regret and connect my knuckles with the door, the sound reverberating in my ears. Time feels as if it has stopped. It feels like forever before I hear the door being unlatched.
The large door opens, revealing an elderly Labrador. He is wearing half-moon glasses and has the same bright blue eyes as Jack.
The very same eyes I fell in love with.
I swallow and try to start speaking. But I can't. My throat feels as if it's closed and my eyes are welling up with tears. I again want to run away crying. I want to run all the way back to my apartment and wait this out.
But I can't do that. Not now.
I take a breath and start speaking again, making sure to keep calm enough to say what I want to say. I have one question for Jack’s family.
Before I can get out what I want to say though, the elderly labrador introduces himself.
“I’m assuming you need to talk about our family member?”
I nod.
“Come on in. His old roommates from Cherryton are here, needing to talk about the same topic. It’s been really hard on them too, you know. Oh, and my name is Ronald. I’m Jack’s Grandfather,” he says before letting me into the house.
I step inside and look over to the right, where the living room is.
Sitting there is everyone from room 701 and a few more animals from Cherryton that Jack was good friends with. The animals that surprised me the most who were in attendance were Louis and his wife, Azuki. Louis was on good terms with Jack, as they had a lot in common, but Azuki had never even seen Jack before. Not to my knowledge at least.
As I step down the two stairs to get to the living room, Collot’s eyes fixate on me. Everyone here knows who I am, but none of them (excluding the parents) know about our relationship. I notice Collot and his fringe covering his eyes, but I notice two streams of tears continuously exiting the space underneath. Voss is clinging to Collot’s shoulder, crying into the fur on the side of his neck. Miguno and Durham are clutching each other’s paws, turned to face each other while their noses are touching, crying into each other. Juno is in the corner of the room, her knees in her chest, rocking back and forth, trying to not cry. Louis is trying his hardest not to cry but is ultimately failing, while Azuki just looks indifferent.
The sheepdog looks directly at me with a face of pure worry. He was one of my closest friends during our years at Cherryton because you could talk to him about anything. He would give you advice when you needed it, and he really knew how to make me feel better. I can tell right now that he wishes he’d been there for me much earlier than now. He knows just how badly I’ve been affected purely by looking at me. Even under all my baggy clothes, my face and paws scream malnourishment.
“L-Legoshi?”
I nod. Every head turns in my direction, apart from Juno of course. She has her eyes closed and ears covered. She’s just trying to block out the world right now, and I want to join her.
A few seconds go by before the silence is broken. However, it’s broken by the animal I least expect.
“Legoshi. What happened to you? You look malnourished as fuck,” Azuki says from my right. Even her tone seems worried.
“Azuki-” Louis whispers, but I cut him off before he can finish that sentence.
“That’s because I am,” is all I can bring myself to reply. I don’t want to concern everyone in the room with my lack of wellbeing. This night is about remembering Jack and supporting each other, and I don’t want to be the topic of support.
“Legoshi. Tell us what happened,” says a quiet voice from the other side of the room. It’s a female voice that wavers slightly. I look over to my left to see Juno standing, looking directly at me.
“Tell us what happened, please. We can all see that you’ve been struggling more than the rest of us.”
I sigh and sit down next to Miguno, who places his paw on my shoulder. I give him a gentle smile before preparing to tell my ‘story’. Everyone leans in to listen, and I can feel the pressure building, so much so that I feel like a dropped soda. I take a deep breath, and I begin.
“A lot has happened. A week after the funeral, I locked my door and I didn’t acknowledge anyone. I thought that locking myself away might actually help me, as it gave me time to think. It did the complete opposite though.”
Everyone is listening intently. It’s actually quite relieving to know that so many other animals want to help me. Even fucking Azuki is giving me all of her attention, and she’s the most distant animal I know. She hates carnivores, so I have no clue how the hell she is standing even being in this room.
I continue, “I started having dreams of a future with him, all the way in England. That was our dream. I started seeing him in mirrors and in my apartment. I would even talk to these manifestations before realising he was gone, and he would no longer be there. I relive the accident in every dream that isn’t about the future. I relive his last moment, how he died in my arms. How he died enveloped in my kiss. Every time I saw a manifestation of him, I would lose all of my progress in accepting his death. I’ve barely eaten, drank, or slept in the last week. I haven’t even opened my door or curtain for the last week until today. I’m barely coping.”
I pause. I can feel the tears starting to run down my cheeks, thinking about my thoughts. I feel so fucking selfish venting my feelings and I have no idea why. It’s something I’ve always felt ever since I was young, and it pisses me off.
“I’ve considered suicide on multiple occasions guys. I don’t want to, because I know how much it’ll hurt you, but I just hate myself so much about the fact that I can’t accept that he’s gone.”
Every single animal in that room gasped when I mentioned suicide, and that pushes me over the edge. All the tears start flooding down my face like the Hoover Dam just burst. The sheer amount of emotion I was letting out was enough to supply London for a year. I tuck my knees up to my chest and rest my snout on the small gap in between. It was one thing to do this in the privacy of your own home, but to do it with 10 animals watching is something else. It adds a whole new level of stress that I never even thought possible.
I hear a concerned voice coming from in front of me. I can’t see who it is, as my eyes are closed, but I recognise it immediately. He sounds so different when he’s concerned. He sounds much more grown up, so much further away, yet so much closer. His usual slightly standoffish demeanour, completely replaced by a loving, almost father-like figure.
Louis.
“Legoshi. Wer- were you and Jack… t- together?”
I nod and bury my head in my legs. I don’t want to even look out at the world anymore. I don’t know if anyone here will even accept me, as I haven’t seen them since I left Cherryton 3 years ago.
I don’t care though. I know who I love, and he’s no longer with us.
I don’t hold back anymore and I start bawling my eyes out. It must be such a sorry sight to everyone around me. They must be hiding their disgust behind a mask of sympathy, because, deep down, no-one would support me. I’m a very large wolf. My role in this world is to suck it up, take whatever is thrown towards me, and grow to have a wife and children. We’re not meant to show our emotions. We’re not meant to love other males. We just have to exist, and fit into the roles society laid out for us generations ago. I have done none of those things, so naturally, I feel that way.
I feel some weight compress the seat next to me and an arm wrap around my shoulders. They bring me into a hug, where I drench their wool jumper in tears. I didn’t realise just how much I would cry during this encounter, because I thought we would be talking about everyone else.
However, I feel better. Even though I know the other animals must be Judging me, I feel loved. I feel accepted. This wool Jumper that I’m crying into smells of love. It smells of the love I once had with Jack. It smells like his family.
His family…
I release myself from the grasp of Jack’s grandfather, mumbling a quiet “thank you” only loud enough for him to hear.
He pushes me away but still holds on to my shoulders, the way a parent does to their child, and gives me a smile. A really loving smile. He’s saying “It’s alright. I accept you as a part of my family” without using words. I’m overflowing with relief, happiness, and sadness all at once.
“Damn fags, I swear”
Jack’s Father mumbles from across the room. Apparently, our last encounter hasn’t changed his personality one bit. Apparently, the death of his own son hasn’t made him regret not accepting him. It hasn’t made him regret scaring his own son into hiding his true self from him for nearly 20 years. How could someone be so cold? So unloving? Aren’t you meant to love your children unconditionally?
I can’t stop myself, and I voice my opinions.
“How can you say something like that? You condemned your own son on his deathbed for not living up to your ‘expectations’ and you still feel no remorse? You forced your son, your own son, to hide his true self from you for close to 20 years, and you feel no regret for any of that?”
Ronald glares daggers into Jack’s father. He looks as if he’s ready to grab a knife and commit murder in front of everyone without a care in the world. The sheer volume of anger in his eyes is almost scary. He looks so harmless. So warm and accepting. But flip the correct switch and he looks as if he’ll rip you apart. It’s frankly terrifying how fast his demeanour changes: no more than half a second.
“Excuse me? You condemned your own son on his deathbed? How fucked up in the head are you? It’s one thing to say that about people you don’t know, but about family? Love is love. It doesn’t matter who it is that you love, if they’re happier with someone the same sex as them, let them be. I may not understand all of this stuff, but I know one thing. You can’t choose who you fall for.”
Every single jaw in that room, including Jack’s Father’s, drops to the floor.
“I knew you were a terrible animal Paul, but I didn’t think you could be this cruel. You are truly the worst Son-in-Law I could have ever possibly had the displeasure of meeting. Get out. You are no longer considered a part of my family”
Silence.
Did that really just happen?
That loving smile. Those bright blue eyes. Even that knitted sweater. I had no idea that image could hold so much ferocity inside it. And I don’t think anyone else did either. Silence speaks more than words ever could in situations like this, and it shows.
This silence is torn by the teeth that is the sound of Carol yelling “GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS HOUSE, PAUL!”
Before I process what’s going on, Carol and Ronald grab Jack’s Father by the shoulders and drag him to the front door. He looks almost scared, but not in any way remorseful. He just lets the two labradors drag him behind them.
The sound of the door opening.
A thud.
The sound of the door slamming.
Ronald and Carol walk back towards the living room, no longer with Paul. He has been thrown outside in the cold, wintry chill of the middle of August. Or maybe I’m so malnourished that I just feel cold in warm weather. Either way, he is no longer in this room, and none of us could be more grateful.
Seconds. Minutes. Hours. Days. I don’t even know how much time passes before there is any movement from anyone. I’m still in the middle of just processing what happened when I feel a tap on my shoulder, forcing me out of my thoughts. I’m face to face with Azuki, holding a card out to me with tears slowly running down her face.
“Take it,” she whispers, “it’ll help a lot.”
I take the card out of her fingers and read it. On one side, there is a phone number.
555 0123
I flip the small card over and read what’s on the other side.
“Gouhin. Specialist in healing the wounds that life inflicts on our psyche”
I lower my head and whisper a quiet “Thank you” to the female deer, and she gives me a genuine, caring smile. She may hate carnivores, but once she knows one truly, she will help them as much as possible. It makes sense now. That’s why she’s here. Even if I didn’t know it, Jack was the first carnivore she truly got to know. She looks indifferent because she feels she has to hide her emotions from the world to preserve the reputation of the conglomerate, even if it is with animals that she knows won't judge her. She has also been deeply affected by the passing of the golden one.
More seconds pass, and I hear movement in the corner of the room. Juno has migrated back to the corner of the room, and is now sitting in a similar position as she was before. Her knees are tucked up to her chest, her arms wrapped around her legs. This time, she isn’t rocking, and she isn’t covering her ears. She just looks depressed, so I do what any normal animal would do. I sit down next to her, back against the wall, and wrap my arm around her shoulder. She needs support too. We all do.
She jumps slightly on contact, but quickly settles herself. She relaxes, and removes her arms from her legs. Her eyes are welling with tears, and she buries her face in my shoulder. I guess I’m repaying the favour Ronald did me, just with a different animal.
I think this meeting will help everyone in the long run.
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
4 M O N T H S L A T E R
“Happy birthday Jack,” I say as I lay down some flowers.
“I got your favourites, some deep red roses. I know you love those, you romantic fool.” I say with a smile.
I’m kneeling in a beautiful cemetery. Jack’s grave is shaded by a cherry blossom tree, and his gravestone looks over the Japanese countryside. It’s very peaceful, and it reflects his personality well. He loved quiet places like this, and he had a particular love for the cherry blossom tree.
“I know you always like hearing what’s going on with the people we know, so I’ll tell you.”
“Durham and Miguno finally got married. I was Durham’s best man. You would have loved being there. It was such a romantic atmosphere, and I know you love that.
Juno landed a job all the way in Osaka. Apparently it pays really well too, so that’s a bonus.
Collot is in Germany right now. He’s doing an apprenticeship with Porsche’s racing division, working on getting the GTE cars ready for next year's endurance championship. You know what he was like during school, always saying ‘I’ll get a job with Porsche. I'll work on the endurance cars'.
Voss and his girlfriend had a child. A male fennec cub. Absolutely adorable.
Louis and Azuki are really stressed about the winter season. Something about trucks not arriving with the goods they need, business stuff you would have been able to translate to me.”
I stop. The tears are starting to form in my eyes. It’s always hard coming here on holidays, especially on his birthday. It’s always just so emotional, and it always brings tears to everyone who comes here. He was taken away from us too soon, so it will always provoke negative feelings inside of us.
“I miss you, Jack. there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t miss you,” I choke out. It takes all of my effort to not burst completely into tears right now. I don’t want to run away though. Not any more. My therapy has helped me face my despair head-on, and I can now face being here and talking about him. I want to turn all of my feelings into happy memories and face everything that gets thrown my way.
I place a kiss on the top of his gravestone and stand up. I need to get going because everyone is spending Rexmas with Jack’s family and we all need to get prepared. We all want to be close, as it is the first Rexmas without him.
It’s going to be sad this year.
“Send me a sign, please. Send me a sign that you’re still with me,” I say. I didn’t mean nor want to say that, but it has escaped me. I have been thinking since the funeral that maybe, just maybe, there is a slim chance that he could be with me. Watching over me. It’s just a nagging feeling that’s most likely part of my depression, so It’s not really a worry.
I say goodbye and head out of the cemetery, making my way towards my Nissan Skyline sedan. I feel really stupid about asking for a sign. It’s not like it’s going to happen. I guess I’m still desperate for his life. Either way, I put it out of my mind.
I unlock my car and step inside. It still feels weird to be driving again, especially something with a manual transmission, but I’m just happy it isn’t a Toyota though. I will never drive one of those again. Ever.
I turn the key in the ignition, waiting for the engine to catch on before I close the door. The sound of the RB25 makes me feel a bit lighter, a bit happier inside. It's something that I can't explain, but I'm happy not explaining it. I reach to close the door when something blows into my car.
A cherry blossom leaf in the general shape of a heart, with a tear in the middle.
I'm about to throw it out of my car when I take a closer look at it. Specifically at the tear. I place the leaf on my paw to get a better look at it, and my heart skips a beat.
J
The letter J
The tear is the letter J.
I brush the tears in my eyes and whisper a quiet "thank you Jack" to the air. I know he can hear me, even in the afterlife. That romantic lab, doing it using a pink heart. I love him so much.
I close the door and set off home. Because of that sign, I hold my head up high, and I can finally feel confident about life.
I can finally feel happy.