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The pain comes suddenly, and it feels like nothing he has ever felt before. It burns, and seems as if someone is flaying him alive. He worries about the redwood on his back that is creaking and groaning as if under a strong wind, almost like it’s going to snap in half at the trunk. And god, does he feel like he’s dying.
He stumbles forward against the railing on the second floor, and he watches. He watches, and watches, and watches. He can’t take his eyes off of the horrendous scene below. He can hardly keep his eyes open, but he does see as Billy is pierced through the chest. Steve can feel it himself, the way it penetrates his heart and how his body shudders. Blood slips through his lips as well and Steve remembers thinking that maybe he is dying.
Robin and Dustin are holding him and screaming his name, but all he can hear is the gurgling of blood from between Billy’s lips and then his tree is cracking under an unknown weight. Suddenly the world goes colourless, and then it all makes sense. Or, some sort of sense, anyway. Billy, Billy, Billy.
Dead dead dead.
An anguished scream escapes from Steve and it’s nothing like the others have heard before. It’s filled with so much pain and longing, Steve doesn’t even know where it’s coming from because suddenly he feels numb and collapses into Robin’s arms. He hears cries from below, but nothing resonates except the way the world slowly fades to grey. It’s weird, Steve thinks, how one can find Everything so late.
And then the rest of his sight fades away to sleep.
When Steve first wakes, he learns that he’s been asleep for several days. Nevertheless, he’s still exhausted. The doctors say it’s normal, but honestly fuck normal when it makes him feel this way. He’s groggy from the pain medications and how his tree aches with pine needles slowly shedding their way through his skin. He knows he’s in a hospital gown judging by the rough fuzz that only comes from too many washes, and he thinks about how that can’t be good. He fades in and out of consciousness all day even with his family chattering around him.
His family.
He hears about how his parents are still trying to catch a flight back and he smiles. His family.
It doesn’t take him long to fall asleep again.
When he wakes up next, he’s not sure that he’s actually awake. Sure, he’s aware, but the world is bright and colourful. It seems odd that he missed it so much, yet it could be his redwood tree missing his match too. In this semi-consciousness world he’s no longer in his hospital gown. He’s no longer in anything, actually, and isn’t that just a little bit vulnerable. He walks around the void aimlessly, enjoying the silence and how his skin doesn’t tingle here. Steve is almost sure that if he had a mirror, he would see a fully grown conifer on his back, with all its pine needles and cones too.
Eventually it feels like hours have passed, and Steve should be feeling bored. Instead, he feels somewhat invigorated. It’s when he pieces together that he’s somehow happy, that the guilt sets in. The world then shifts and he’s on his knees in pain again. It’s the same as it was on the Fourth of July with the agony setting in. He feels his tree shiver and then suddenly all the needles are trying to break through his skin. Steve can feel the blood slipping down his back from countless ruptures. The world then rots. The blank canvas he had been traversing disappears under tall trees and dark vines and the sky looks to be leaking black ooze.
While he’s crying, big fat tears roll down his face but he makes no sound as it hurts too much, which is when he first hears it. It’s so quiet it almost doesn’t exist at first, yet it just increases in volume until it’s shouting at him.
Steve, Steve, Steve it sings until suddenly-
Harrington!
At that, Steve lifts his head so fast he almost gets a head rush. The voice, he recognizes it and the tears keep running down his cheeks into the puddle below. “Billy…” he mutters. He leans into the phantom touch holding his cheek and then he wakes.
At first, he thinks he’s crazy. But then, he realises that this is no more outlandish than what else has happened in Hawkins. He doesn’t originally want to tell anyone what he witnessed in his dreams, believing that he’s hallucinating his fantasies, or that he’s gone delusional with his soulmate dead. What convinces him to say something is Max.
He encounters her one day at Billy’s tombstone. It says Gone, but not forgotten, and isn’t that the truth. Steve almost feels like he’s losing his mind with how much he thinks of Billy. He has regrets, most of all that he had never pieced together their matching tattoos like a fool. While Steve’s uses his back like a whole canvas, reaching tall, almost beyond his spine, with the branches and leaves splaying between his shoulder blades, Billy’s was small and hidden. Billy’s soulmate tattoo was so small in fact, that it could be mistaken for any other conifer. It seemed like the ink had leaked together and it lay at the base of his neck. The only reason that Steve had seen it was because he had…looked. And that’s all that can be said about that.
He had researched what his tree had meant, when he was young and his mother still cared enough to visit the library with him; longevity, safety, forever. It made Steve feel comfortable and gave him hope that he’d one day have hot cocoa and backrubs. He’d have someone who cares enough to choose him first. Now, Steve just wants to see his matching tattoo on a breathing body instead of a corpse.
Steve hasn’t mentioned it to anyone, that he’s lost a soulmate. It hasn’t changed much of his everyday life, but he’s no little help when Nancy calls in a hurried mess about what to wear to her date with Jonathan. Steve can’t see colour anymore, but everyone thinks he can and it’s awkward when he suggests mismatching clothes.
He doesn’t know why he hasn’t said anything yet, maybe he doesn’t want the pity. Or it has something to do with the dreams and he doesn’t want the others to discount his theory. Either way, he doesn’t mention it to anyone until Max.
He likes to visit Billy’s grave, if only to give his redwood a sense of peace and closeness. He goes when he can’t sleep late at night, or sometimes just to do his homework in hopes that Billy’s spirit will somehow grant him the answers. But he’s never seen Max there. When he first sees her there, she’s crying. It’s hard to tell at first as she has her head down in between her knees, but that’s what he had done when he first came to Billy’s grave. He had cried and cried and cried until he couldn't breath, and then he cried some more until he was so exhausted he had no choice but to go home or sleep amongst the dead bouquets.
Max notices him and she quickly wipes away her tears and tries to hide that her nose is stuffed up. Steve offers her an apologetic smile, but as he turns to leave she moves over so that he too can sit and lean against the tombstone. Looking at Max, Steve notices that she looks, well, frankly she looks bad. Her eyes are sunken and she seems to have lost weight. Her hair that is usually in loose curls is now tangled too, and Steve knows the signs of sorrow because he sees it in himself as well.
And so he makes a promise to a little girl at a gravestone and to a dead man too.
Steve knows it’s little to go on, and that he sounds like he’s lost his mind. Along the way he reveals that he’s Billy’s soulmate, which brings a sense of relief to tell someone after holding it in for weeks. He’s scared of her reaction, and when she begins to cry even more he feels like he’s done something terribly wrong. But then he sees, he sees the smile on her face and the comforted tears.
And so he promises. He promises that he will find and save Billy.
It takes a lot longer for Steve to find Billy then he hoped. He still hears the whispers in his dreams, but Billy still never uses his first name. He hears the other voice as well, but then Billy comes in and comforts him by just calling out his name. It’s hardly romantic, calling out his last name, but Steve gushes about it to a slab of marble all the same.
He looks everywhere he can think of for an entrance into the Upside Down. He visits the Hawkins Labs first, and scours every open room he can find. It takes hours and he’s scared, but he looks and he looks and he looks. He doesn’t find anything. Next he hunts through the forest for any temporary portal or crack in the veil. No matter how many times he goes out there he doesn’t find anything. Starcourt is still a mess of debris despite it being months, and he can’t get close enough to look for an opening. He feels alone and like he’s breaking his promise, and all he wants is to find Billy.
So he tells Robin. Robin, who believed him and Dustin about Russian infiltrators, who underwent Russian torture at his side. Robin, who likes girls, and who understands having a same-gendered soulmate.
He’s prepared for the pity, for the sad eyes directed his way. What he gets instead is Robin slapping the back of his head and calling him a dingus.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” she asks, as if it’s so easy. And maybe it is because Steve feels light and he smiles for the first time in what feels like forever.
“I was worried, you idiot. I didn’t know what was wrong with you.” That makes his smile falter but then she’s hugging him a little awkwardly because it’s Robin, but Steve just melts at the human contact.
They stay cuddled for a while, Steve having missed feeling comforted. He might even cry a little, but that’s a secret Robin will take to her grave. It’s still awkward since he’s taller than her but he wants to be tucked into her. She just lets it happen. She may sigh at her best friend, but it’s all an act she puts on. She’s happy too, knowing why Steve has been so melancholy the last few months.
Telling Robin opens some kind of need in Steve, and he wants to tell everyone in his strange family about how he’s slowly withering away without his soulmate, who is still alive but just stuck. It takes a while to gather everyone together since he’s scared to reveal they aren’t done with the Upside Down. The Byers are moving, though, and so he has to stop waiting.
Steve knows Joyce wants nothing to do with the Upside Down, as if anyone still wants the horrors haunting them, but he needs El to know, just in case, before she leaves. She’s connected to the Upside Down, somehow, so she needs to know. He feels guilty, keeping it to himself all these months. It was likely a way to protect himself, but Billy is waiting.
So he gathers everyone together and talks. It’s a bit of a rambling mess, like when you’re so nervous at the front of class presenting. It’s family, but he also doesn’t feel good bringing up bad news. Is it bad news? It doesn’t feel bad when it means he could have Billy again, his soulmate, his match, his everything. He tells them of his dreams, and the voices in his head. And then he tells them about Billy and his soulmark. He’s tempted to show the soulmark if it means they’ll believe him, but it’s personal and they promise that it’s unnecessary.
It feels good to have told them all, all the people that matter. They believe because, again, it’s Hawkins and the strange always happens here. Robin looks proud and it makes him blush because he finally feels lighter. The weight on his back like snow against branches has somewhat lifted, and that night he sleeps better.
Before the Byers leave for California they all take to searching the town and even the neighbouring towns. They find nothing. The pitying stares start to grow and he’s not feeling so good anymore. Hope diminishes everyday and then it becomes hard to get out of bed.
Robin and Dustin try their best to get him up and about. There’s the work at the video shop, for one thing, and then Dustin drags him to weekly dinners at the Henderson’s. Mrs. Henderson doesn’t know Steve is missing his soulmate, but she knows something is wrong so she always prepares Steve’s favourites and packs away extra for him to take home.
It’s nice to be cared for, but it doesn’t fix the empty house or the empty heart.
For the next several months, it’s almost as if his friends have taken on shifts to make sure he doesn’t lose his mind or that he isn’t alone. Nevertheless, he finds time to get to the graveyard every few days. To do what, he doesn’t know. He almost doesn’t want to go with the guilt that worsens everyday, but he knows he’d feel worse if he didn’t show up.
It goes along like this for a long while, until it’s spring break and the party has split up again. He’s almost glad Nancy is sticking around Hawkins instead of visiting Lenora, even if it’s selfish. He does want to be the only one missing his soulmate, even if hers is only in a different state.
He throws up after this thought and cries against the toilet seat.
The pain never truly leaves, nor does it ever ebb. Steve becomes accustomed to the pain, but it still affects his everyday life. The only time it doesn't hurt is when he dreams, but even the dream world is starting to darken. While it had been his colourful oasis, now it’s black and it resembles the nightmares. It brings him little comfort now and eventually he avoids sleep.
But the guilt of being alive while Billy is somewhere else, hurts the most. The only reason he hasn’t completely lost himself to grief is because of the small branch on his redwood tree that is still filled with pine needles. The rest had broken through his skin and shed on the bathroom floor, but this one branch remains alive while the rest of the tree is bare.
He knows his friends worry, he can see it in his eyes and the way they watch him. But life goes on and eventually the pitying stares start to diminish. Dustin still makes sure that he gets fed, at least, but it’s hard to have the appetite. He still tries to eat, under his friends’ watchful eyes, though.
Eventually Steve feels like he’s actually dead himself. Everyday feels like the same as the last and nothing makes him happy. He never thought he’d miss Billy fucking Hargrove, of all people, but he can’t deny the chemistry that had always sizzled between them. He misses the snide remarks and the buttoned down shirts that always showed a cleanly shaved chest. He misses the close encounters in gym where they were almost gyrating against each other, he misses seeing the little conifer on the base of his neck.
He misses Billy a lot.
Billy wasn’t a good person, Steve knows, but he has always felt drawn to him. There has always been something that lurks under Billy’s veneer, like a vulnerability. Like there’s so much more to Billy than he wants you to know. He’s a puzzle that Steve wants to both piece together and tear apart.
By the time March 1986 comes around, Steve is hanging by a thread. The one leafed branch is still there, so he knows Billy is still alive somewhere in the Upside Down, but as each second ticks by he feels sick to his stomach. Sick to his stomach, thinking that Billy could die any moment in the Upside Down. There, there are all sorts of dangerous creatures. And really, what state is Billy going to be in by the time they find him?
Steve knows that the Upside Down will come back to haunt, whether by its apparent yearly visit or just by Steve finally hunting down an entrance. He knows he will find him, a confidence that ebbs and wanes every moment. The guilt that eats him alive until he’s but just a shell, is that Billy will hate him for taking so long.
Steve has nightmares about trying to explain and Billy blaming him anyway. When he confides his fears to Robin she calls him an idiot, but by the way that she holds him every time he cries, Steve knows she understands. She even threatens to kick Billy’s ass if it comes to it, and isn’t that a comfort. Sometimes he thinks he already has hot cocoa and back rubs.
By the time it’s March 1986, Steve is living, if barely. He still goes to work, he still visits the Hendersons, he still watches ridiculous movies with Robin, he still drives the kids around Hawkins like their personal chauffeur, he still visits Billy’s grave if anything for a reminder.
By the time it’s March 1986, Steve is tired.
It’s been a long eight months when Steve actually hears news about the Upside Down.
It starts with Eddie Munson of all people, and Steve isn’t so sure he hasn’t killed the girl. Dustin seems convinced, and the kid is often right, so Steve does his best not to say anything. Why he’s getting involved, he doesn’t know. He doesn’t know Eddie and it seems best to get the police involved this time around, but he also knows that the police are more likely to do harm than anything positive without Hopper there to reign them in. In the end, it turns out there’s another similar murder while Eddie is with them, and isn’t that just great. What Hawkins needs is a serial killer.
Well, he had meant it as a joke but obviously there’s a monster somehow killing teens in their nightmares. Fucking Hawkins, for fuck’s sake.
When Max gets cursed, Steve feels like he’s failed. It’s been almost a year and he hasn’t been able to reunite the siblings like he promised. And though Max doesn’t seem to blame him, he feels as if he’s fucked up royally. So even though he’d rather stay at Billy’s grave, he drives the kids around with only a little complaining. They end up at Billy’s anyway.
He lets Max visit first, for obvious reasons, though it’s hard to watch as she’s tearing up at the grave. He doesn’t know what she’s saying, but then suddenly she’s not moving and isn’t that just bloody great. Steve is mad and rushes over to Billy’s younger sister, shouting her name and trying anything to get her to wake up.
He knows Max hasn’t been doing well, dealing with survivor’s guilt, and that’s probably what this Vecna is targetting. He just wants her to wake up.
When she finally comes back, she collapses in Lucas’ arms, and Steve feels like crying. No way is he losing Billy’s sister, not like this and not now. Not when he hasn’t actually helped her, too caught up in his own despair.
She’s not safe yet, but for now, it’s enough so he gathers all the kids together and hugs them.
It’s when he hears of the third murder, above the lake, that his heart starts to beat fast in anticipation. He’s already working on adrenaline, but this feels like it, they’ll find an opening into the Upside Down. Of course, it’s never that easy. They’re tracking through the woods to find the gate with Eddie, and Steve can’t help but wonder how this became the worst kept secret in Hawkins, when they end up at the lake and of course the entrance is in the middle of Lover’s Lake.
The four older teens end up in a rickety boat in Lover’s Lake and then the compass stops working. This is it, then. Steve is the first to volunteer to take a dive into the murky water and it’s so clearly a gate that Steve has to rush to the surface to exclaim in his excitement. Eddie seems confused, of course, but Nancy and Robin make him promise not to go down. How can he make that promise when Billy is so close, but in the end it doesn’t matter. He gets pulled down below before he can say either way.
His lungs ache as he tries to scream and thrash against the tentacles, and soon he’s in another world.
The first thing he notices when in the Upside Down is the way it makes his tree groan with life for the first time in eight months and isn’t it glorious despite the agony. It hurts and he has to close his eyes against the pain.
When he opens them again, there is colour.
Steve has to stifle a sob with his chest still heaving. But the colour, the colour means something so important. Billy is near, or at least in this world. And isn’t that everything.
He’s on his knees when he hears squawks from up above. Due to his redwood sprouting new leaves and pine cones he’s unprepared when the demobats come after him. They latch on to his side first, flinging him on his back so the redwood rubs against the gravel. He never gets used to the pain, it’s excruciating and intolerable. Then, when he’s trying to shove away the bats that have their fangs through his stomach, another comes up from behind to suffocate him with his tail.
His world is already so dark in the Upside Down, but now it seems to pixelate like the arcade games that Dustin loves to play. He can’t breath, and he struggles against the sensation. When he’s on the verge of passing out from lack of oxygen, the demobats get knocked away. But he has no time to focus on breathing as more of the demobats fly to the group. He grabs hold of one and throws it against the ground several times before tearing the tail off.
It looks to be the end of this fight, and so he sucks in breath even though it hurts his chest. His mouth is full of blood so he spits it on the ground, but when he looks up he feels vulnerable. There he is, standing shirtless in the Upside Down, dripping blood, and all they can stare at is the full conifer on his back that is now vibrant green. No one says anything, but it’s obvious what it means. Only Eddie, who has no knowledge of Steve’s soulmate, is clueless.
“Damn, Harrington, that’s quite the tattoo!” Eddie proclaims and here comes the vulnerability all over again. He doesn’t mind showing it off, because he loves his soulmark, but he doesn’t know Eddie either.
They decide to make their way to Nancy’s house in order to get her gun, but along the way Steve can’t help but twitch. He wants to go looking for Billy, not find a way out. He needs to find Billy. Robin obviously recognizes this, judging by the way she has Steve’s hand in a death grip. She doesn’t let him out of her sight, and it warms his heart to have a good friend. But his redwood is crying out and sobbing at being so close yet so far.
Steve doesn’t know where to start, so he follows them without a fight despite the itch to look everywhere. He keeps his eyes open anyway, but he doesn’t see anything except vines and rotting trees.
Steve has never been in the Upside Down, but he can piece together the resemblance to his dreams. He had known it was the same place, based on descriptions and word of mouth, but actively seeing it is haunting. He’s scared, so goddamn scared, but he’s also determined. Determined to find Billy and get everyone he cares for out.
They don’t find the gun at Nancy’s, but they do find a way to communicate with Dustin, Lucas, and Erica. Which is great, except they all rush to find a way out. They reach the Munson trailer quickly with the bikes, but he’s so tired. He just wants his friends free so he can focus on finding Billy.
It always comes back to Billy, and it is now more true than ever before.
His friends argue with him. He’s injured, and it’s dangerous being alone, and what if the portal closes. They all have good arguments, but as he looks up through the opening in the Munson Trailer’s ceiling, he knows he can’t go with them. Not until he finds Billy.
There’s a long sigh, and then Robin is by his side. She calls him a dingus once again, but it’s affectionate like always. They hold hands as they leave the trailer, keeping close to each other. The first place they look is Billy’s old house, but when they arrive it’s filled with other people’s items and they know without even looking inside that Billy would never have stayed here. They do look inside, just in case, but it’s obvious that it’s been left untouched.
Steve has to think about where his soulmate would be, where he would find home. And it makes him realise that he really doesn’t know Billy all that well. It hurts to think about that, because he wants to know everything about his soulmate. That’s going to change, he decides, and he sets to work hunting down Billy in the Upside Down.
There aren’t that many places that he would go, but Steve is still worried that Billy would find a cave or some obscure location to hide out. They make their way through the junkyard, the school, even Steve’s house just in case.
He can tell that Robin is anxious to leave, though she doesn’t say anything. The way she fidgets and bites her lip is an obvious sign she’s uncomfortable, but even though Steve wants to leave he can't be without Billy. He won’t, not anymore. So the two best friends continue around the township until they make it to the outskirts. In the distance they see a lone figure, but it’s so dark that they can’t make out if it’s a person or a monster. But as they approach they hear a voice speaking to an empty grave lot and Steve just knows.
His heart stops in his excitement, but he doesn’t let himself pause as he runs to the empty grave. As he approaches he sees that it’s a large hole in the ground and facing the other way is a man with curly hair. Steve lets out a sob and he doesn’t even realise he’s crying. Steve approaches slowly, both somewhat aware that Billy hasn’t seen another person for months and afraid that this man isn’t his soulmate. He can smell the musk as he approaches, and he can tell it’s his Billy. But as he takes another step he’s suddenly spun around, and is that a knife against his neck?
Robin calls out his name in alarm, but all he can focus on is being in Billy’s arms.
The knife digs into his throat enough that it rubs against where the demobat had choked him. He shivers at the contact, and his redwood seems to be singing, he can feel the branches ruffle like in a warm wind. Then as quick as the knife had come, it loosened.
“Harrington, is that you?”
“Yeah,” Steve croaks, “don’t cream your pants.” This causes Billy to chuckle and oh has Steve missed his voice and his laugh. Steve starts to tear up when Billy pulls him into a proper hug and they just hold on to each other. He hadn’t expected this type of reaction, but he also won’t argue. He feels so comfortable in the other man’s arms it’s like coming home. It’s like hot cocoa and back rubs.
Robin stays a couple steps back, but she pulls them out of their embrace: “Uh guys, as much as I love this reunion, I think we should save it until we get out of the Upside Down.”
“The Upside Down?” Billy asks as he lets go of Steve. They way they both twitch towards each other despite stepping out of each other’s personal space, makes it clear their soulmarks are drawing each other together.
Steve explains briefly about the Upside Down as he pulls both Billy and Robin towards the Munson trailer. Billy looks at their held hands instead of focusing on where he’s walking, and he looks curious. But he doesn’t argue, and instead he tightens the grip and follows Steve like a puppy. It’s pretty cute, Steve thinks.
Soon they’re at the trailer and thankfully the opening is still there. Steve makes Billy climb through first, earning him a teasing glare from Robin, who goes next. Steve watches them climb up and his heart sighs in happiness seeing his favourite people finally safe. Or safer, for now.
When they all get into the trailer Steve finally gets a good look at Billy. His hair is longer and he now has a short beard that looks like it’s been messily hacked at with a knife. It probably has been, Steve realises. Billy looks anxious, which is unsurprising, and he’s clearly on edge with his knife still drawn. When he sees that Steve has noticed, he closes the pocket knife and tucks it away, but he keeps his hand wrapped around it in his pocket.
Now that the adrenaline has worn off, Steve feels exhausted. He’s still invigorated, and he can’t let Billy out of his sight. So when Nancy comes to check his wound, he pulls Billy with him to the couch. Billy just follows. Steve peels off Eddie’s jacket, and Billy gasps when he sees the tall redwood. He reaches forward but then stops himself.
“You can touch it, you know,” Steve says suddenly. And he realises he wants Billy to touch it, even in a room full of his friends. Apparently it’s the wrong thing to say, as Billy withdraws within himself. He worries at his bottom lip before he speaks.
“So you figured it out, huh?” and suddenly it becomes clear that Billy knew. That Billy knew all this time, and didn’t say anything.
“You knew?!” Steve asks, and his voice cracks as he takes a step back. Steve isn’t the only one that looks sad, Billy looks devastated and crushed. He doesn’t say anything but he does nod. “Why didn’t you say anything?” he croaks.
“And have you stuck with me? Harrington, you deserve better than that.”
“No, no, you don’t get to make this about what I deserve. I deserve my soulmate!”
The others in the room are doing their very best to look anywhere but at them, but it’s hard in the small trailer. So he grabs Billy and goes into Eddie’s room, which he is aware is a crime scene just like the rest of the trailer. How is this his life?
The two boys simply stare at each other for a while, before Steve sighs and sits them both on the bed. Billy follows, but he keeps himself from touching Steve and he actually starts biting his nails, which are actually filthy. Oh god, they need to get Billy a shower and probably some warm food and some medical attention. Who knows what spending a year in the Upside Down would entail. Steve sighs, and grabs Billy’s hand almost petulantly. “We are going to get you cleaned up, then we’re going to talk.” Billy doesn’t say anything again, but he nods in agreement.
They all reconvene at Steve’s house because it’s large with enough spare bedrooms if they share, and it’s quiet. Steve usually hates that his parents are never home, but he feels comfort in bringing his family home. He lets Billy shower first, of course, and when they’re both relatively clean they meet in his bedroom. When Steve enters with a tray full of food and water, he sees Billy biting his lips but otherwise occupied with searching through his music collection. Steve had grown his collection to hear what Billy had always found comfort in, and judging by the smirk it’s clear that Billy knows.
Steve startles Billy by placing the tray on his desk, and then they both look at each other. It’s a little awkward, actually, so Steve once again grabs a hold of Billy’s hands to pull him towards the bed. This time, Steve forces their knees to touch and this little contact in exhilarating.
They look at each other for a bit, simply staring and taking it in that they get to see each other, before they start laughing. It’s nice to laugh with Billy, even if both of them start to cry. Steve holds on to Billy, who simply curls in even closer at the contact.
“Why didn’t you tell me,” Steve wonders, only when the tears have stopped.
“I didn’t think I deserved you.”
Steve tightens his grip around Billy’s shoulder, still gentle, to avoid any bruises.
“I get to decide what I deserve,” he argues, “and I get to decide what I want. I spent the last eight months looking for you. I think I can decide if I’m happy with my soulmate. And I am, I’m so happy. I’m so happy you’re alive,” and then they’re both crying again. “Only if you’re happy too, though.”
In response Billy surges up to kiss him.
The kiss is so soft and warm, Steve positively melts into it. Their lips seem to fit together perfectly, and this feels like the complete puzzle that he has always waited for. Billy probes at his lips with his tongue and when their tongues meet, Steve can’t help but sigh in bliss. He can feel his redwood shivering in pleasure and he wants more. So he grabs Billy's hands to place against his back which just feels like nothing has. While Billy’s death was languishing pain like nothing else, having his soulmate touch his back is the opposite. It’s bliss and it’s comfort and it’s home. It’s hot cocoa and back rubs, literally. Billy uses the opportunity of his grip to pull Steve even closer so they stumble together and they can’t help but laugh into the kiss.
They both need medical attention, but this feels healing.
They’re broken up by Max coming, softly calling Billy’s name. “Eww,” she cries when she sees them on top of each other and they can’t help but laugh. They let go of each other, but still touching they pull Max into a hug. She cries, Billy cries, and together it makes Steve cry. But it’s happy tears, at the least, and he can’t help but agree when his redwood sings.
The next day, they go visit Billy’s grave. Steve doesn’t understand why he wants to see it, but Billy sits right in front of it and touches the headstone.
“I heard you, Steve, ” Billy mutters so quietly. Steve blushes, but he still leans down to place a kiss at the top of Billy’s head. Billy grabs a hold of his hands and pulls him down, causing them to both laugh out loud. It takes some stumbling, but Steve ends up in Billy’s lap with them both staring at the tombstone. Gone, but not forgotten it says.