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Anthony has been drowning for ten years.
His family considers him high-strung, his friends might say he is neurotic, and his past mistresses would call him restless. Truthfully, he would not dispute any of these accounts. He is all of those things because life made him this way.
He was a relatively carefree child, and though he remembers fleeting moments of anxiety in his younger years, it was never severe. He was a healthy, privileged boy with loving parents and a happy life.
When Edmund died, he could no longer breathe.
A cloud of grief appeared over Aubrey Hall that day that would never go away completely, even as his siblings healed and his mother returned to something resembling her former self (but not quite.) While the rest of the children found ways to shake off the heaviness, Anthony never could.
He didn’t just lose his father, he had to become him.
He was suddenly Viscount Bridgerton - in charge of the estate, his siblings, his mother. He was a child, now entrusted with the family’s finances and managing their many properties and tenants. He had to make every decision, including whether his mother or baby Hyacinth should survive a complicated childbirth. He had to raise his younger siblings, to try to give them the happy childhood they deserved.
Worst of all, he had to do all of it knowing he would never live up to the impossible standard set by Edmund, the perfect husband, father and viscount.
For ten years, he drowns, never able to take a break long enough to come up for air. He sinks deeper and deeper into his duty, plunged in the the dark waters of responsibility.
Then, one day, he sees a beautiful stranger on horseback in the same park where he rides every morning.
For the first time in years, his lungs fill with air.
All things considered, Kate settles quite nicely into her role as viscountess.
While she never imagined herself as a wife, let alone the head of one of the most important families in London, she finds it to be a mostly seamless transition. She is already devoted to Anthony, so it is merely an extension of that to love and devote herself to his entire family.
With the guidance of Violet and the years of experience preparing Edwina for her debut, Kate felt confident with the prospect of handling two of her sisters-in-law simultaneously out in society.
She realizes quickly that she may have been a bit overconfident.
While she’s spent a decent amount of time with the Bridgertons at this point, it has been mostly at Aubrey Hall. In the country, the family is at their most carefree and relaxed, with no worries of marriage or otherwise. Back in London, with the 1815 season in full swing, it is another story entirely.
She wasn’t exactly prepared for the chaos of her new life. Her life before coming to England, while it had its challenges, was relatively quiet and calm. It was just her, Mary and Edwina. Now, it is her, her husband, his large family and a houseful of staff. It’s different, to say the least.
The morning after the first ball of the season is particularly hectic.
The entire family is gathered in the drawing room having breakfast, the many voices of the Bridgerton siblings overlapping inharmoniously.
Kate is next to Eloise on one sofa, helping her select books that might be appropriate to discuss with potential suitors - in other words, nothing too radical. While she, as Kate, personally believes that Eloise should not search for a match until she is ready and on her own terms, she knows it is her duty as Lady Bridgerton to help all her sisters-in-law find worthy suitors.
Across from them, Anthony is going through a list of potential candidates with a freshly-debuted Francesca.
Meanwhile, it seems every other member of the family is vying for a moment of Anthony’s attention with various requests and demands. Colin is complaining about the weather in England as a way of showing contempt at not being allowed to make another voyage across Europe; Violet is inquiring about their farms in Kent after hearing from the Crawfords that some crops are doing poorly this year; Hyacinth is asking if she can take one of the horses out this afternoon if her governess accompanies her.
All the while, Anthony somehow remains steady, calmly addressing each of his family members’ concerns. At least, he seems calm, to the untrained eye.
Kate knows better. She sees how he fiddles with the quill in his hand, how his forehead wrinkles while he thinks, how he avoids eye contact. She felt him tossing and turning in his sleep last night. She knows this is a lot, even for him, and that he desperately needs a break that he would never dream of asking for. He serves his family, always, without expecting anything in return.
“Perhaps this one? He comes from a good family,” Francesca says, stealing her brother’s attention away from Hyacinth and pointing to one of the names on the list.
Kate is only paying attention peripherally, still reading an excerpt from a novel Eloise insisted was appropriate for public discussion, but she can hear Anthony’s sigh of exhaustion.
“He’s a second son, you can do better.”
“He was kind and he made me laugh more than any other gentleman I danced with last night,” Francesca argues. “Please, Anthony?”
She has a feeling that his answer a year ago would have been different, but he locks eyes with Kate before answering and smiles softly. It’s been made clear to her by just about every other Bridgerton that Anthony has been softened by love - something that he never would have considered a year ago is now a reluctant possibility.
“Very well, I will mark him as a maybe.”
“Careful, Fran,” Eloise teases. “If you are too picky he’ll just stick you with some odious man twice your age like he tried with Daphne.”
Kate flinches at Eloise’s words, her eyes flitting to her husband’s face as he stares down at his shoes, remaining completely still for a moment. She knows this to be a particularly sensitive subject for Anthony, something he regrets deeply and would take back in a heartbeat if he could.
She watches him pass the list back to Francesca and rise to his feet.
“If you’ll excuse me, I have some work to which I must attend. Fran, we’ll continue later.”
“Are you alright, dear?” Violet asks from across the room, frowning in concern.
He nods with a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes and swiftly takes his leave, striding down the hall to his study.
Although Kate is more than happy to participate in her new family’s lighthearted teasing of Anthony, something she herself is well-versed in, she holds her tongue when a line is crossed. It doesn’t happen often, but she would never engage in joking about something that he has confided in her about, something she knows makes him anxious and uncomfortable.
Typically, she would ignore it and take his hand or shoot him a comforting smile, but she is feeling rather protective today.
“Eloise,” she says, slamming the book she was reading shut with perhaps a bit too much force. Her tone remains cordial and polite, despite the blood boiling in her veins. “You mustn’t be so hard on him. He is trying his best, as he has always done. I will grant you that he made mistakes with Daphne’s season, but he has since apologized and I needn’t remind you that your sister is now very happily married.”
Eloise furrows her eyebrows for a moment before sighing in defeat, nodding.
“Of course, you are right.” She sighs. “I am in a bad mood from all this talk of balls and suitors. I will apologize to him.”
“Thank you,” Kate says sincerely, placing the book on the table next to her as she stands. “Perhaps later, though. I’m going to check on Anthony, I shall return in a few minutes.”
She catches Violet’s eye as she leaves, and the older woman smiles softly at her. Kate does not blame the dowager for leaving Anthony behind in the wake of her grief, but she does wish Violet could have been stronger for him. He was just eighteen when Edmund died, barely a man, and he became not only a viscount but the chief parental figure of seven younger siblings in an instant. Kate took on a similar, albeit smaller, burden when her Appa died and Mary broke down in grief. She knows how heavy the weight of a family can be.
She can see that weight in him from time to time, even if she has helped ease it in some ways. She sees it now, as she enters his study to find him with his face buried in his hands.
He sits up straight quickly when he hears her, his face relaxing slightly when he sees it is her. She says nothing, walking over to stand behind his chair and placing her hands on his shoulders.
He tries to resume reading the ledger in front of him, but he very quickly sinks into the feeling of her touch. Slowly, she massages the tension out of his shoulders, her thumbs pushing into the flesh at the base of his neck until a soft moan leaves his lips.
“Oh, Kate…” he whispers. “Thank you, darling.”
She bends down to press a kiss to his temple, her hands remaining on his shoulders. His eyes flutter shut at the feeling of her lips.
“Are you alright?” she murmurs.
He hesitates a moment too long.
“Yes, just thinking.”
“Eloise did not mean that,” Kate says firmly. “She is unhappy that the season has started, but she does not truly believe you to have ill intentions for her or Fran’s future.”
“I know,” Anthony sighs. “But thank you for saying it.”
He reaches up to grab her hand where it rests on his shoulder and squeezes her fingers tightly.
“I can tell that there is a lot on your mind,” she says, glancing over at the massive stacks of papers that have piled up on his desk.
He’s still catching up after taking six months away for their wedding tour, during which time he asked Benedict to take over only the most time-sensitive and essential tasks with Simon’s help. She was surprised that he was willing to be away for so long, but he insisted on taking a proper trip with her to the places where she grew up.
He was different in India - more relaxed, behaving not as the viscount but solely as Anthony, as her husband. She thinks it might have been a break he needed for a long time. Now that they have returned to real life, she misses the carefree smile on his face as they walked on the beach and laid under the stars.
“No more than usual.”
“Two sisters on the marriage mart is more than usual,” she points out. “And combined with your usual duties, I can see clearly that you are overwhelmed.”
“I’ve been overwhelmed for eleven years,” Anthony chuckles. He says it with the cadence of a joke, but it does not feel funny at all. It is the opposite, actually, making Kate’s heart ache for her husband.
She moves around the chair and places herself between Anthony and the desk, leaning up against it and facing him. She takes his chin and gently forces him to look her in the eye.
“I know you have, my love,” she murmurs, and his eyes soften at the term of endearment, “but you share this burden now.”
“You have been a great help with Eloise and Francesca,” he says sincerely.
“I am glad,” Kate says softly. “I know it is my job to plan balls and help your sisters find a husband, but I would like to help in other ways, as well, if you would let me.”
Anthony frowns in confusion.
“You are forgetting that in addition to preparing Edwina for her debut, I managed my family’s finances for years,” Kate elaborates. “It wasn’t a grand estate like yours, but I would be happy to contribute in some way.”
He gapes at her, seemingly dumbfounded by her offer. She isn’t sure whether to take offence - surely he knows she is capable of more than taking his sisters to the modiste. They have discussed finances before, and he knows the role she played as the pseudo-head of her family.
“You did not fall in love with me for my looks alone, I hope?” she teases, raising an eyebrow.
Anthony scoffs. “Certainly not. You find new ways to amaze me every day, often with your intelligence.”
She smiles, reaching out to take his hand and slide their fingers together.
“I just…” Anthony continues, squeezing her hand. “It is difficult to fathom. I have been in charge of everything since before my father’s body was in the ground. It is all I know.”
“And you’ve done a most commendable job,” she says emphatically. “It was difficult for me to manage my family’s far fewer assets and raise one sibling.”
Anthony shakes his head immediately. “No, Kate, you kept you family afloat with considerably less resources at your disposal. That is no small feat.”
She smiles softly as she brings their hands to her lips and kisses his knuckles.
“We have both faced our own set of challenges in life,” she accedes. “My point is that now, we face those challenges together.”
She presses more kisses to his hand before bringing it to rest on her heart.
“I think you are so used to being alone you sometimes forget you are not anymore,” Kate says. “You never will be again. I am here. I will always be here.”
Eyes glistening with tears, Anthony’s hand slides down to her waist and abruptly pulls her forward so that she falls in his lap. His arms wrap around her, hugging her tightly to his chest.
“Thank you,” he whispers into her hair. “Thank you, my love. Not just for your offer to assist me with finances, but for everything. I cannot express how much you have helped.”
“You don’t need to thank me, darling,” she murmurs, sinking her fingers into his hair. “It is my duty to help you, a word that you are notoriously fond of.”
He chuckles softly, but still shakes his head. “This extends beyond your duty, and you know it.”
“In my role as viscountess, perhaps, but I am speaking of my duty as your wife,” she tells him. “As the woman who loves you.”
He leans in to kiss her, softly taking her bottom lip between his.
“I love you,” he says against her lips. “I believe I am the luckiest man alive.”
This earns him another kiss, plus a few more just for good measure.
“I believe we should return to your family,” Kate says, pulling away as his lips chase hers subconsciously for one more kiss. She lets him take it. “There is much to discuss before tonight’s ball.”
“We should,” he agrees, “but I think I will be of better service to them if I can first spend a few more minutes holding my wife.”
His voice is timid, but not embarrassed. She feels immensely grateful that she is able to be his place of refuge, that she is discovering new ways to ease his mind and the burdens of his duty. She hopes he knows he can always come to her, that she will always do whatever she can to make things better.
“Alright,” Kate whispers, pulling him back into her arms and stroking his hair. “A few more minutes.”
It gets easier with each passing year.
He still feels himself being pulled underwater sometimes, amidst the inevitable scandals in his siblings’ lives and Kate’s more stressful pregnancies, but she is always there to carry him to shore.
He no longer feels ashamed confiding in her his internal struggles, though he rarely has to come to her and broach the subject himself. She recognizes the signs of panic in his eyes before he even knows the wave is coming. She will place his hand on her heart, look him in the eye, whisper “deep breaths, my love,” and he will inhale and exhale to the beat of her heart.
He learns how to breathe again, and Kate is his oxygen.