Work Text:
Akaashi, Kuroo, and Kenma sit at the kitchen counter, talking about how work has been going and amongst some other topics of conversation when the door to their apartment unlocks and Bokuto can be heard shuffling around the genkan. The conversation stops as they turn to the doorway, waiting for him to appear.
He makes his way to the kitchen, where he meets their eyes and smiles a bit at them, walking over. The three of them look him over subtly as he gives them each a hug, lingering a little less than usual, the hugs fairly brief and not quite as tight.
“How was your day, Kou?” Akaashi asks softly as Bokuto gets to him, planting a kiss on the outside hitter’s cheek. He watches as Bokuto’s smile widens a bit. The smile doesn’t quite seem to meet his eyes though.
“Good, eventful!” Bokuto responds with a laugh, stepping back to be able to look at the three of them with his hands resting on his hips.
“Yeah?” Kuroo nods as Bokuto gives him a noise of confirmation. “That’s good to hear then. You still up for tonight?”
Bokuto blinks, trying to recall what he’s referring to, before figuring that he isn’t going to remember. “Remind me what tonight is..?” he asks hesitantly with a nervous smile. Luckily, Kuroo only laughs, not taking offense to him forgetting.
“The social function my work is holding tonight,” Kuroo tell him and Bokuto’s eyes widen as soon as he says it.
“Yes!” Bokuto snaps his fingers before snapping his fingers a few more times. “Right right right, got it!” He nods as he recalls Kuroo telling him about it a couple weeks ago. Kuroo has already gotten affirmative answers from both Akaashi and Kenma, so it seems that Bokuto had been the only one they’ve been waiting on an answer for when he got home. It really would be helpful if he wrote these things down when he was told about them the first time…
“You still good to go?” Kuroo poses the question again, not taking his previous statement as an answer because he knows it wasn’t meant to be one. “It’s cool if you can’t, I understand if you need to stay home.”
His immediate first thought is to say he didn’t feel up to going because he’s feeling a bit too tired, but it’s an evening with his boyfriends. Sure, there may be other people that Bokuto doesn’t know and that he won’t know how to act around, but he doesn’t want to put a damper on the evening for the three of them. Either way, he definitely remembers initially agreeing to it without any reservations so they have some expectation of him coming along still. Bokuto shakes his head to dismiss Kuroo’s latter statement. “No yeah, I can still go.”
Kuroo looks at him for half a second, trying to gauge the response. “Are you sure? You really don’t have to, baby, you’re under no obligations to go.”
“Yeah, I’m sure,” Bokuto tells him, moving from his spot to grab a glass of water just so that the three of them won’t be able to study his body language since it tends to be his biggest giveaway by far. “What time should I be ready by?”
“An hour maybe? That sound good?”
“Yep, all good.” Downing the water, Bokuto puts the glass over by the sink before smiling at the three of them. “I’m going to go take a shower and get ready then.”
Bokuto then disappears around the corner, footsteps indicating as he makes his way upstairs. Akaashi, Kuroo, and Kenma exchange a look before Kenma speaks up softly. “He seemed a little quiet, right? It’s not just me?”
“No, I noticed it too,” Akaashi sighs out, leaning against the counter.
“Do you think he’s doing ok?” Kuroo asks to which Akaashi gives a slight shrug, which is never a promising sign.
“I’m not sure, I’ll make sure to go check on him and see what’s going on before we leave though.”
After one more look is exchanged between the three of them, they slowly disperse, heading off to do their own separate things. Akaashi heads up to their bedroom and takes note of the sound of the shower running so he decides to wait for Bokuto to finish, resting against the headboard of their bed with a book.
When the shower turns off and Akaashi hears the door open, he looks up to see Bokuto in just boxer briefs, rubbing a towel through his hair, eyes closed and looking completely exhausted.
Bokuto’s eyes open to see Akaashi on their bed and he jumps violently, putting a hand to his chest. He had just barely managed to contain a loud yelp from the shock, before he scratches at the back of his neck sheepishly, Akaashi letting out a small laugh of amusement. “Sorry Keiji, wasn’t expecting you to be here!” he chuckles out, shooting him a quick smile before he goes over to the closet, looking through his section.
“I didn’t mean to scare you, I apologize,” Akaashi just tells him, taking everything in as Bokuto pulls out one of the few suits he owned for events like this, walking over towards him as he gently lays it on an unoccupied part of the bed. So much exhaustion clouded Bokuto’s eyes as he stares down at the suit, zoning out for a moment, before he shakes his head.
Clearing his throat, Akaashi leans forward so he was more in Bokuto’s line of sight. “Koutarou?” he asks gently.
Bokuto looks up at him, giving him a questioning sound.
“Are you feeling ok, sweetheart?” he asks, scooting forward a bit more once again. “Did anything happen?”
“I mean, sure things have happened, Keiji, in the grand scheme of things,” Bokuto laughs out, though he quickly calms down, like he knows he wasn’t supposed to be making a joke and he’d be chastised for it. “But no, nothing happened, I’m ok, Keiji.”
“Are you sure? It’s ok if you’re not, you just look so tired and I don’t like to see you pushing yourself with these types of things.” As Bokuto sits down on the bed, Akaashi cups his cheeks gently. “You really don’t have to go, love.”
Bokuto leans heavily into Akaashi’s hand, nuzzling into it as he takes a deep breath, letting some of the tiredness seep in. “I’m ok, I promise. I just might need to lie down for a bit, maybe take a nap or something.”
“Yeah? You going to do that?”
Bokuto nods, eyes closing. “If I do, can you help me get dressed when I wake up?” he mumbles, taking another deep breath. The tension melts away from his shoulder slightly.
“Of course, I’ll wake you up too, that sound good?” Akaashi asks him, helping him lay down and pulling the blanket over him. When Bokuto gives him a nod, he smiles and leans over to kiss his forehead. “Good, get some rest then, love.”
“Love you, ‘Kaashi,” Bokuto muffles through the blankets, burying his face into it as he closes his eyes.
“I love you too, Koutarou,” Akaashi hums out gently, running a hand through Bokuto’s still slightly damp hair before standing up and turning off the lights on his way out.
After closing the door, Akaashi goes to inform his other boyfriends of the situation, both nodding in understanding as he tells them about just leaving him be until they need to start heading out. As promised, Akaashi wakes Bokuto up with enough time to help him get ready and is happy to see that he looks a little more ok. Even with him telling Bokuto again as he helps him with his tie that he really doesn’t need to go if it was going to be too much, Bokuto is set in his decision and assures him he’ll be ok. Akaashi trusts him so with no more arguing, they finish getting ready and head out the door.
Bokuto doesn’t talk much on the way over, his headphones on most of the time, and luckily his boyfriends don’t seem to mind, just leaving him to his own devices. He does feel a little bit ok by the time they get there so he can handle it, it’s only something for Kuroo’s work after all.
He ended up being very wrong as always seems to be the case.
The moment they step in, a loud, abrasive laugh is the very first sound Bokuto hears and he doesn’t exactly try to not cringe at it. It’s a horrible sound, he hates things like that. The lights seem a bit too bright, but he figures that it’s probably due to still waking up a bit from his nap. Things would be ok, it’s alright.
His boyfriends are quickly whisked away from him as soon as they’ve gotten there, Kuroo’s coworkers pulling him into conversation and Kenma seeing a business partner he recognized and goes to talk to her about a project they’re currently working on, Akaashi going with him to keep him company and help if he needed to get out of the situation at any point. Neither seem like a very interesting option so Bokuto finds himself standing towards the back of the room, leaning against the wall. Ok, maybe he shouldn’t lean against it, that was unprofessional right? And he wants to be on his best behavior, no embarrassing Kuroo. He fidgets as he stands back up properly, unable to stop himself from rocking back and forth on his heels. He hears the clicking of glasses, a dozen or so conversations going on, jumping a little when his arm brushes against his side and it makes a weird noise, spooking himself. His thoughts start running through a mock volleyball game to take his mind off of things, thinking through all of his teammates and their places on the court, who they’d be facing. The EJP Rajins would be interesting, they haven’t gotten to play in a while. He isn’t able to get too far into it though as a woman approaches him with a smile.
“So sorry to bother you,” she says, though Bokuto can’t help from thinking how she probably isn’t, just saying it out of weird and useless niceties that he’s never understood. “You’re Bokuto Koutarou, right?”
“Yep, that’s me!” Bokuto confirms, putting on a bright smile so that he’d appear more here than he actually feels. He’d just been about to land a killer spike in his daydream game.
The woman nods, smiling more as she holds out her hand, to which Bokuto takes, ignoring the way her palm slides weirdly against his own as he shakes it and makes his skin itch. “I’m one of Kuroo-san’s co-workers, he said that you were here with him so I wanted to come find you.”
He blinks at her owlishly, not sure how he should even respond to that. He doesn’t know what she’s expecting of him, is there something she needs to talk to him about? Is he supposed to know what that is?
Letting out a good-natured and casual chuckle though, he rubs a hand over the back of his hair, kindly admitting, “Sorry, I’m a bit confused, is there something you wanted to ask me or…?”
The woman luckily doesn’t pick up on just how awkward and weird he’s feeling internally, or just isn’t saying about it, laughing a bit. “No reason in particular, I just wanted to see if you would like to come over and chat. I’m sure Kuroo-san would love to have you join us.”
“Oh,” Bokuto gets out quickly, eyes widening a bit in understanding. “Yeah sure, lead the way!” Despite the tone, he really doesn’t want to, not at all, completely lying through his teeth. It’s not like he can say no though, her offer isn’t a request after all, it’s a command, one of the social rules he does know reliably enough. Doesn’t matter what his actual opinion was, he’d be deemed rude if he answered honestly, because he knows it was an expectation. Not even that, a requirement.
“It’s so kind of you to come here with Kuroo-san, I know you two are quite close friends! He’s certainly talked about you quite a bit while at work, you’re a common topic of conversation around him!”
“Well, me playing volleyball could have something to do with it,” he says with a light shrug. She laughs weirdly enough, like what he said had been funny, but it’s true, Kuroo’s line of work is to help promote the sport he plays professionally so it would make sense. “I’m always there to support Kuroo though, he’s a great friend!” He hates how weird the word felt as he says it but it had to do with public image, he had to refer to his boyfriends in the same way during interviews and public appearances. ‘Anyways, off-topic Bokuto, focus! Man, my meds are really wearing off right now, aren’t they?’
“Look who I managed to find!” the woman announces cheerfully as they arrive where Kuroo is currently talking with a big group of his coworkers, everyone looking over to the two of them, every pair of eyes feeling like they’re burning holes into Bokuto as his eyes unconsciously blur everything, just so he doesn’t have to face the stares in full definition. There were some polite comments and noises of reactions to their arrival that fade into staticky white noise but Bokuto manages enough to smile and raise a hand up in a wave at everyone.
“Hey! It’s nice to meet you guys!” Looking around at everyone hazily for a moment, his vision comes back into focus as he lands on familiar, comforting hair sticking out every which way. He locks eyes with Kuroo, his boyfriend’s eyes wide and shocked, like he hadn’t expected to see him. He knows why that is, but despite it, he ignores the silent question Kuroo’s look is conveying to him.
Kuroo hadn’t even realized that Imai left after he’d mentioned in passing Bokuto being around somewhere, too caught up in the rest of what he was saying because he didn’t make Bokuto’s presence here a major part of his conversation piece. As her voice announced that she’d come back and he saw Bokuto following her, he couldn’t help that he’s now panicking. He knows that Bokuto was already not doing the best, considering everything from when he got home to now, and he doesn’t exactly talk with many of his or Akaashi’s coworkers because a lot of the time, it’s just an unpleasant experience. In order to not stick out, Bokuto had to sit still and be mindful of his volume and talk enough to present himself as sociable but not too much that it would make him seem inconsiderate about letting other people talk. None of the topics of conversation Kuroo had with his coworkers were ever something Bokuto enjoyed, just in general, and this was exactly why he, Akaashi, and Kenma hadn’t required that he follow any of them. They knew he didn’t want to talk with people unless they knew he wouldn’t feel uncomfortable with the interaction, and none of the people Kuroo was talking to fit that. He desperately tried to communicate purely through his expression to his boyfriend that ‘I’m so sorry, I didn’t know she was going to do this, I didn’t try to imply you should be brought over here. If you need an out, please tell me, I will do absolutely anything to get you out of this interaction, please give me some indication that you want me to do it.’
Bokuto doesn’t give Kuroo anything though so despite Kuroo’s worry over how badly this could go purely in terms of Bokuto’s mental headspace right now, he can’t do anything about it. Forcing Bokuto to do something won’t be helpful, even if Kuroo knows the potential results. He just has to bear it until he’s given a sign which Bokuto is more than happy with, wanting to be a good, supportive boyfriend. Even as he’s itching to move his hands around, he stays still, a smile he doesn’t feel the need for on his face, his voice kept to a reasonable volume best he can, and his comments and contributions to the conversation brief, because he isn’t driving the conversation, everyone else is. He needs to follow the rules, Kuroo deserves to be represented well in front of his coworkers so that’s what Bokuto will do. Despite dragging conversations over the latest news and rumors around the office, what people’s parents have been up to, an interesting restaurant someone went, Bokuto bares with it.
“Do you know Miya Atsumu, Bokuto-kun?” one of Kuroo’s coworkers asks him sometime in the conversation and he looks over at her, blinking for a moment.
“Well he’s my teammate so yeah, of course I know Tsum-Tsum,” Bokuto tells her with a nod, tilting his head curiously.
“I went to one of your guys’ games this past season and I must say, he’s quite the talented player,” she hums. “And quite the looker too, don’t you think?” she asks with a smile, laughing to herself slightly.
“Here we go again!” the coworker that had found him says with a teasing roll of her eyes, only to receive a playful nudge from the woman who asked the question.
“Oh uh..” Bokuto only manages to get out before the woman waves her hand.
“Oh don’t worry, Bokuto-kun, I don’t expect you to get it, just humor me for a minute,” she tells him amusedly, smiling good-naturedly. Bokuto really wanted to comment on it, seeing as he not only saw the appeal of men but also had no reservations of admitting that Atsumu was attractive, but he doesn’t, letting her continue. “Does he have a girlfriend? You think I might have a shot with him?” she chuckles, slightly joking, slightly not. At least, Bokuto thinks she’s joking.
Not unless you want to be sprayed with like, an entire can of Febreze by Omi.
Though he would love to respond with that, he just tells her, “Oh uh, he doesn’t have a girlfriend, no. I’m not sure if he’s looking for anyone, all of us are working on our careers and all and we don’t really talk about relationships a lot!” That’s a total lie, it’s a majority of their conversation some days. This wasn’t a completely inconsequential conversation though, so it’s not like he can say anything without risking saying too much.
“Atsumu-san is her favorite, once she gets started, she just won’t stop!” coworker number one comments teasingly, raising an eyebrow at coworker number two who only elbowed her a little bit good-naturedly with a light huff. “I can’t imagine why, I like the more composed men out there, the ones with sophistication like Sakusa-san. There’s just something about a man like that, I’d say yes to going on a date with him in a heartbeat if he asked!” she laughs to herself, hiding it politely behind her hand.
Yeah, considering Tsum-Tsum and Omi are boning each other, that’s not gonna happen.
“Now he definitely is focusing on his career, that I know!” Bokuto laughs, only telling a partial lie this time which feels easier. He was focusing solely on his career when he first joined, but Atsumu ended up weaseling his way into Sakusa’s life anyways, whether Sakusa planned it or not. But they’re focusing on their careers together so maybe that’s what made the difference, Bokuto thinks to himself.
“A shame, you all are very eligible bachelors, all the girls would probably love to be with any one of you!” he’s teased and he feels his cheeks heating up but he laughs it off the best he can. “Oh did you guys hear about the PR fiasco one of the division 1 teams got into a few days ago?”
One of the men in this group of people nods amusedly in response. “Absolutely, I still can’t believe it happened!”
Another coworker hums in agreement. “I imagine there’s a whole lot going on that we don’t see, it must be so interesting to be on the inside of all that, knowing what drama can go on that the rest of us are completely unaware of. Bokuto-kun, I bet you’ve gotten a laugh out of a ton of that, haven’t you?”
All eyes are on him as he’s asked another odd question which he in no way knows how to answer, why do people keep doing that? Why does this topic of conversation in general even matter? “I don’t really pay attention to that kind of stuff,” Bokuto admits, rubbing at the back of his neck with a rather neutral expression, and as everyone looks blankly at him for a moment (though maybe he was internalizing that), he finds himself talking more, all too aware of the fact that that might’ve been a weird answer and he needs to fix it somehow. “Practice keeps me pretty busy and all, I mainly just spend time with my team! Everyone I play with is really cool and the teams we play against are cool too, so I don’t really notice much uhh.. Much drama I guess!”
He isn’t sure if that response was deemed any good to them, because as he hears a sudden clang in the background, every single thought shuts down in an instant. He can’t hear anything, or see anything, can’t make sense of what’s going on, what he’s saying, what he’s doing. A rough pat to his back at some point has his skin burning and he feels suffocated in his suit yet he feels nothing at all. His ears are ringing in the deafening silence of his perception. All that mattered though was behaving. He can do that, he’s pushed through this for years, he will make himself presentable as long as Kuroo needs.
His headphones are on the entire time, eyes closed, during the whole car ride home. No one says anything.
When the four of them finally get back home, Akaashi unlocks the door, holding it open for everyone. He, Kuroo, and Kenma all watch as Bokuto rushes past them, hands pressing his headphones to his ears as tightly as he can, an emotion that somehow manages to be devoid of emotion itself on his face. Though they try not to do anything that might freak him out, they quietly follow after him as fast as they can, sparing worried glances at each other. As Bokuto makes his way upstairs and down the hall, he doesn’t stop in his haste until the door to his and Kenma’s room shuts harshly.
The three of them stand in the hallway in silence for a moment before Akaashi lets out a sigh, leaning into Kuroo’s side and Kuroo wraps an arm around his waist, pressing a kiss into his hair. “Oh Koutarou…” Akaashi mutters out, frowning as he turns to hide his face in Kuroo’s neck, shaking his head.
“Tonight was my fault, one of my coworkers went to go find him when I mentioned he’d been there and brought him into our conversation,” Kuroo tells them quietly, running a hand through his hair in frustration.
“You couldn’t have known, Tetsurou. If anything, I should’ve pushed harder to tell him that he didn’t have to go when I checked on him,” Akaashi tries to argue, unwilling to let Kuroo take the blame for what happened.
“He told you that he might’ve just needed some sleep, any reasonable person would have seen that as an adequate explanation, Keiji,” Kuroo argues back.
“But even then, I-“
“Enough,” Kenma says, voice barely above his normal volume but Akaashi and Kuroo go quiet as soon as he speaks. Kenma stands in front of the two of them, giving them both a look to make sure they’re listening before he lets out a deep breath. “It’s not anyone’s fault, but even if it was, that’s not what’s important right now. We can’t change what we did, it’s already done, Koutarou’s already in sensory overload. What’s important is making sure he’s alright and that he’s getting the support he needs to deal with it.”
Taking in Kenma’s words, Kuroo sighs and nods slowly. “You’re right, we need to focus on being there for him.”
“He at least can handle company from one person, which is more than I could hope for in moments like these,” Akaashi admits, smiling a little at Kenma.
“Right, if there’s anyone that can do something to help him right now, it would be you, kitten.”
“That’s what I’m afraid of,” Kenma mutters out before he’s given himself the chance to actually think it through, glancing back at the door. Akaashi could handle the situation much better than him, even if he knows they wouldn’t admit it. They have to know that.
“You’re who he wants for support, Kenma, he knows that if you’re able to provide it, you’re the one who will be the best for helping him get through this,” Kuroo tells him gently, placing a hand on his shoulder with a slight smile. “This is why we have the paired rooms in the first place, right?”
“But what can I do?”
Akaashi holds out his arms and Kenma walks over to him, letting himself be buried in his and Kuroo’s arms, taking a deep breath. Akaashi’s fingers gently run through his hair. “Koutarou is dealing with a lot of noise, and while it’s not exclusively tied to the volume, loud noises tend to make it worse. While we make efforts of course, Tetsurou and I aren’t the most consistent and it’s more likely we forget when we’re getting too loud for him. You’re naturally soft-spoken, Kou’s told me that he feels less on edge when you’re the one keeping him company during an overload like this because you don’t tend to raise your voice in general. He’s less worried that you’ll slip up and talk too loudly for him to handle.”
“But I’m not good at knowing what to say to him, that’s you.”
“That may be so—though I feel you are perfectly adequate at communicating what he needs all on your own—but that’s not what he’s deemed he needs right now. I know you trust his judgment on how to take care of himself and what he needs, yes?”
“Yes,” Kenma admits slowly, staring at Akaashi’s chest from where his head is buried, the argument already made even though Akaashi’s yet to say it.
He still does so anyways, planting a kiss to Kenma’s hair. “He’s decided you are the one he needs, that’s what he’s figured out will help him the most right now.”
“And I should trust that he knows what’s best for him,” Kenma sighs, nodding.
“We’re all feeling a little guilty and insufficient enough to help him, it’s ok, kitten,” Kuroo hums, planting a kiss on his hair too. “You don’t have to worry alone, we all want for him to feel better right now, he already knows you can take care of him.”
Pulling away from the hug, Kenma gives them a nod and looks back at the door, taking a deep breath and nodding now to himself. They’re right, Bokuto’s perfectly capable of figuring out what he needs most, he knows himself and is smart, he can tell what will help. He just needs to trust Bokuto’s judgement, even if he doesn’t have much faith in himself to live up to those expectations. He doesn’t need to trust himself when he knows how Bokuto usually feels in moments like these, from the instances it’s come up, he has set information on what it entails, so that requires no sort of action on his part. Using what he knows about Bokuto can’t fail him, that he feels sure of. “I think he still needs some time to himself to calm down, I should give him space for half an hour so he can focus on getting through the SPD episode before I expose him to any sounds he’s not able to control, even if I don’t speak very loud. By then, he should feel ok enough to tell me if he still needs a bit more time to himself or if he needs my company.”
Kuroo and Akaashi give him affirmative responses, both pressing a kiss to his forehead. “That sounds like just what he needs, we’ve got a plan,” Kuroo says, the worry ebbing away slowly from the three of them now that they have some idea in mind of what to do, even though they know Bokuto would be able to manage this anyways, whether they were able to provide support or not.
“If it’s not too much to ask, can you make sure to tell him that he doesn’t need to come sleep in the big bedroom tonight unless he’s sure he wants to?” Akaashi asks. “I know he’ll likely feel some sort of obligation to it, but I want to ensure that he knows it’s not. We’ll both be there if he feels up to it but he’s allowed to stay in your guys’ room if that’s too much for him, you can tell him I insist he takes his time to think about it if you feel it will get him to listen.”
“I will.” Kenma nods.
“Perfect, let us know if either of you need anything from the two of us, and tell him that we love him when he’s ready for your company. And we love you too, kitten,” Kuroo hums gently as he gives him a hug, kissing his hair.
“Yes, we love the both of you, you’ll do just fine, sweetheart,” Akaashi whispers as he gets in a hug of his own, running a hand over his cheek when he pulls back to give Kenma a smile. When they’re sure Kenma’s feeling alright, they leave him to figure out what he needs to do while he waits to check on Bokuto.
From his spot curled up on the bed facing the wall, Bokuto sees a little light peek in from the hallway as someone opens the door. He takes a deep breath as he pauses his music, slowly taking off his headphones before glancing over his shoulder slightly. The figure at the door wasn’t discernible but he knows it could only be Kenma.
“Koutarou?” Kenma softly asks into the room, voice even and level, calm radiating from him and making Bokuto feel calmer by extension.
“Mhm?” he hums out a little, looking back at the wall again as he hopes Kenma doesn’t take that as a sign that he’s not welcome, it’s just that something adjacent to eye contact seems to be too much for him right now and he knows they’ve all told him before that they don’t expect him to do things like that if it makes him uncomfortable at any point.
Luckily Kenma doesn’t leave, no worry entering his voice. “Would you like my company right now or would you still like some time by yourself?”
“Company,” Bokuto barely mutters out but Kenma hears him, footsteps padding over to where he is on their bed after his boyfriend slips inside and shuts the door, the room falling into total darkness once again except for the faint light of the moon from the window.
The sheets rustle behind him before the bed dips under Kenma, his weight then pressing into Bokuto’s back as he slowly spoons him, everything slow and deliberate, like he’s testing the waters. And Bokuto’s nerves aren’t set on fire again, nothing causes every single thought in his head to short-circuit and cause it all to start burning. The world doesn’t stop or end or slip away on him. Though the contact isn’t quite what he needs, so he scoots forward a little, Kenma letting him readjust and turn over, scooting back over and hugging on to him tightly, burying his face in Kenma’s chest, their legs tangling together gently. Kenma’s fingers softly scratching just behind his ears finally cause the noises to fall silent. All he focuses on is the touch and the pressure of Kenma against him, the warmth they’re sharing between them, keeping his attention there and not worrying himself with anything else. Without needing to say anything, Kenma knows what he needs as he repositions them so Kenma’s full weight is now on top of him on his back, and Bokuto lets out a deep sigh into the crook of Kenma’s neck as the pressure sinks into him steadily.
Putting his headphones back on, he plays the next song he has cued up, closing his eyes, and it’s 15 minutes before he’s able to take them off and speak, neither of them moving or doing anything in that timespan.
“I love you,” Bokuto murmurs into Kenma’s neck, nuzzling into him a little as he feels Kenma give him a squeeze.
“I love you too,” Kenma whispers back, placing a careful kiss on his hair and Bokuto doesn’t shy away from it so he does it again. “How are you feeling?”
“A little better, everything’s not so loud anymore. Lights off helped too.”
“That’s good.”
“Tonight just ended up being a lot, I thought I’d have been able to handle it but it was too much when we got there and it only got worse until we left…”
“Do you want to talk about any of it?”
He falls silent, speech becoming too much for him again for no reason whatsoever, but Kenma just lies there with him all the same. There’s no expectations, there’s never been any expectations when it comes to the three of them. Bokuto doesn’t need to be anything for them that he’s not and he knows they’ll remind him of that every time he struggles to believe it. Kenma will wait for him to be ready.
“I had that sponsorship thing I had to do today and it ended up going longer than it was supposed to and I was told that I wasn’t allowed to bring it up or cause a scene about it. But the thing is that they’d already ignored me asking if they could make sure I was able to move at least a little every once in a while, which only just made me feel even more fidgety, cause it’s like I’m physically restraining myself from moving, and that makes it build up, and it’s just a mess, you know? And I got asked some questions about how I seem off my game when I haven’t been playing for that long and the people who asked were wondering if I could really handle being in the professional league with how intense it is compared to how I’ve been doing so far,” Bokuto says, a frown coming over his face. Kenma huffs in irritation at that, causing Bokuto’s attention to snap down to look at him with slight panic suddenly curling up in his gut, though Kenma isn’t looking at him so that indicates he’s not annoyed with Bokuto. With a reactionary nod to his frustration, Bokuto takes a deep breath in. “And how are you supposed to react to that? How am I supposed to react to that? I mean, I know I’m a bit of a hard player to work with but I’d like to think I haven’t been doing too bad, especially at the start of my career… I don’t need to be normal to be good at volleyball…”
A light kiss is pressed to his forehead and Kenma perches up on top of him, arms folded over his chest to look down at him, though Bokuto can barely see anything with all the lights off. Kenma’s eyes on him still feels comforting. “You’re not weird or abnormal, Koutarou.”
“People sure love to remind me that I am,” Bokuto defeatedly mutters.
“People haven’t given you a chance so that they can get to know you, they only see a small portion of who you are as a person and form an entire image based around it. They don’t know you though, they’re making assumptions,” Kenma tells him firmly and it’s a statement Bokuto was expecting at some point or another in this conversation.
And sure, Bokuto thinks to himself, people might not know everything about him but when it comes to his basic personality, there can’t possibly be any ambiguity. It’s hard for him to hide his feelings try as he might, that’s why people have seen some of the worst parts of him. And sure, people may have only seen some of the more tame flaws but that just meant that there’s still the worst that haven’t come out yet. People’s perception of him still has the chance to get even worse, and that possibility is terrifying. He shuts down so quickly during a game that from one point to the next, he can suddenly become a deadweight. Atsumu may have had a plan for their next play, one in which Bokuto was involved or even vital, and because of his streakiness, it immediately messes up everything. He’d even made a promise to Atsumu when they started playing for the Black Jackals together that he was just a normal ace now and that he wouldn’t drag the team down with him like he had in high school, but he was struggling to even try fulfilling that promise now. Even if he has gotten more reliable over the years that he’s been playing with MSBY, he still isn’t reliable, he still screws up and shuts down (or melts down, or both) and he’s not a normal ace. He still has his streaky moments, he hasn’t been able to get rid of them like he promised to. His emotions are still as loud as ever, which he’s been learning to feel ok with, but he knows that surrounded by so many subdued, calm, cool, and collected people, he sticks out like a sore thumb in the public eye, interviewers often finding him odd and are unsure how to even describe him. All the public even knows him for is volleyball and if he can’t even do that, where does that leave him then?
Kenma presses a kiss to his cheek, staying close as he nuzzles his nose against his temple, noticing that he’s so deeply lost in his own head. The touch barely breaks through the thick sludge he’s trapped in in his thoughts but it catches his attention just enough and Bokuto clings on to it as hard as he possibly can, gripping at Kenma’s hips, pulling him as close as he’s able to. Kenma doesn’t complain, leaning on his arm over Bokuto’s sternum and he rests his other hand over Bokuto’s shoulder, rubbing his thumb firmly into the dip of his collarbone, enough for there to be sufficient pressure as if Kenma instinctively knows that feathery touches will send him into a sensory meltdown right now.
Bokuto heaves out a sudden sigh, not even able to look at him. And this time it isn’t out of discomfort with the eye contact, Kenma can tell. This time, it’s shame. “What could you see that they don’t? I’m already the laughingstock of my entire team, even when I don’t know what I did that everyone finds so funny. I’m just a weird, loud idiot who’s conveniently good at volleyball to everyone else.”
Taking a deep but quiet breath, Kenma presses a kiss to his nose, thinking for a moment. “I… have trouble with being open about what I like, I find it difficult to allow myself to have that even when I know other people won’t judge me. You always enjoy things openly, no matter who sees it and no matter how they might react. Not many people allow themselves to feel as openly as you do. It’s one of the things I love the most about you,” Kenma tells him gently, and Bokuto’s shoulder goes lax under his fingertips. “Your setbacks never stop you from pursuing what you want either. As much as you’ve been through, as many times as people have unfairly judged you or made you feel that you weren’t enough, you still keep going. You still make friends, you still train and improve, you still are yourself, as hard as I know it is sometimes. That doesn’t make the pain you’ve been put through ok, no one has the right to say so, but the fact that you’re doing it is brave. You need a lot of courage to get where you’ve gotten so far, and I’m fortunate enough to have gotten the chance to see at least a little of that.”
After letting that part sink in for a moment, Kenma lies down and wraps his arms around Bokuto’s neck. “And you’ve never been weird or too loud. People just don’t want to admit that they aren’t brave enough to love as much as you do. They’d rather tell you to keep it to yourself and to talk quietly and try to make yourself as small as possible than be reminded of how much they’re hiding about themselves.”
“Does it ever bother you how much you’ve had to learn to talk all sappy just so you can cheer me up?” Bokuto jokes lightly, but it’s hardly a joke at all.
“No, there wasn’t anything for me to learn,” Kenma says simply, pressing his lips to Bokuto’s in a solid, sure kiss, and Bokuto shakes underneath him, letting out quiet and vulnerable sobs against Kenma’s lips. Hearing it, he would’ve pulled away to check if everything was ok, if he had overstepped a boundary or done something overwhelming or unwanted, but Bokuto’s arms are wrapping around his neck and pulling him as close as physically possible, a hand burying itself into his hair, Bokuto desperate to have Kenma there, to have him present, ever-constantly fixed in the moment with him, and Kenma lets him. He’s not leaving, he’s not fading out of Bokuto’s awareness, he’s not going anywhere that Bokuto can’t follow, that Bokuto can’t reach. Bokuto has him and will continue to for as long as he’s willing to have him. So with shaking breaths and hiccuped gasps indications of tears being shed, Bokuto kisses him and allows himself to be at the vulnerability of someone who could so easily do him harm and yet doesn’t, trusts Kenma enough to give him his heart even with the knowledge that he could still be hurt. Kenma would know all the ways in which he could do that to him, but the fact that he has that knowledge in the first place proves that Bokuto’s truly allowed him to get close.
It’s a bit funny to think about really, because Kenma out of all four of them is often considered the hardest to get to know, and to some extent, he wouldn’t say they’d be wrong. He often isn’t a fan of interacting with people, conversation often leaves him feeling awkward and uncomfortable, but once he deemed a person worth letting in, it often wasn’t too hard to talk with him from that point on even if he didn’t exactly pour his heart out. He had to allow for them to see more but that had never been the case for Bokuto, it still isn’t.
His boyfriend is a tender heart, sensitive and emotional, always has been, and it’s caused him to receive a lot of attention. None of it ever seemed to be the good kind though. He hasn’t talked about it much but Kenma’s heard a little about what it was like for him as a kid, constantly being told to calm down or be quiet or stop overreacting and being a baby about things. Whenever Bokuto were to get excited about something, he’d been teased and mocked for the intensity of his enjoyment, because many people somehow found it funny how obsessed with things he became. Other times even still, people included him just enough to shut him up, but given a chance, dropped him without hesitation. And much of this had gone over his head, too distracted with his thoughts to notice that people were indirectly demeaning him a lot of the time. He picked up on it on a subconscious level though, felt he came off as annoying somehow, and did everything he could purely to make people happy. It didn’t matter how many times someone treated him poorly or put him down, it didn’t matter if it had hurt a little or a lot, Bokuto accepted it all for the sake of everyone but himself. He’s crammed himself into a box, suppressed every single part of what makes him solely and uniquely himself because others found it hard to swallow, from the very beginning of it all, and it’s only recently that someone had finally told him that he was allowed to stop. Kenma and his other boyfriends came into Bokuto’s life, caught his attention, and told him he was allowed to stop adapting his every move and personality trait to other people’s demands, because he deserved better than that. The past few years that the four of them have been together might possibly be the first time Bokuto’s ever been himself at all.
The people in Kenma’s life have had to get past his walls, ones he’s built to protect himself from being hurt, so it makes sense that people would consider him the hardest to get to know.
All of Bokuto’s walls, though, were built to protect the world from him, and he’s locked himself away for so long that this is the first time he’s even seeing what exactly the people he’s allowing in are getting to know in the first place.
They kiss for a while, Kenma letting Bokuto take as much support and reassurance as he needs, for however long he sees fit, before Bokuto finally pulls away, cheeks turning a little pink from sheepishness over that being the thing his mind deemed would give him comfort. Despite Bokuto likely seeing it as a little silly, Kenma just finds it incredibly endearing that his boyfriend sought out intimacy with him as his way of asking for help and he can’t help but smile, leaning down to give him one more gentle peck on the lips to let Bokuto know he liked it. Bokuto blushes more as he chases after Kenma’s lips when the latter pulls away again, blinking up wide-eyed at Kenma with a completely starstruck expression, and that look makes Kenma feel as if he’s hung the stars in the sky for Bokuto and deserves all the love Bokuto could ever give him for it.
Bokuto glances off to the side a little, squeezing his hands gently on Kenma’s hips to gather his courage, before looking back up at him, blush still vibrant on his cheeks (which Kenma finds it a shame that he can’t see the color right now with the lights being off). “I’m trying really really hard not to apologize,” Bokuto breathes out in almost a whisper, wincing to himself from what Kenma knows is immense effort.
Kenma kisses his cheeks, nuzzling Bokuto as he smiles. “I appreciate that, Koutarou, you shouldn’t have to feel like it’s something you need to apologize for,” he hums gently, still pressing kisses to Bokuto’s exceedingly warm cheeks.
“Ken-Ken,” Bokuto whines quietly, shyly hiding his face in Kenma’s neck which only makes Kenma laugh in amusement. After a moment, Bokuto murmurs to him, “I love you a whole lot, Ken-Ken, did you know that?”
“Yes but I love when you tell me,” Kenma says, feeling Bokuto smile against his collarbone at the answer. “I know I may not say it as much as I should but I love you too, Koutarou.”
“Hearing it some more would be nice,” Bokuto admits honestly, though he still sounds a little hesitant over not instinctively defending Kenma.
“Thank you for telling me, I’ll work on it then, for you.”
“You’re welcome, and thank you,” Bokuto’s muffled voice responds.
A lull settles into their conversation once more, Kenma more than willing to allow Bokuto what he needs to get through this, and it’s these moments that really help reassure him that as much as Bokuto will always be enough for him, he’s enough for Bokuto too. Out of all parts of their relationship with Akaashi and Kuroo, he and Bokuto often have the most trouble connecting with each other, not because of issues with the other but issues they both have with themselves, worries about if they’re really able to provide for each other as well as they provide for the others. They are extremely similar in a lot of ways but are also very, very different and that can sometimes be scary. As much relief as Bokuto probably feels compared to when they’d gotten home a couple hours ago, Kenma allows himself the relief he feels, and he’s glad that he trusted Bokuto’s judgment despite his own fears.
Bokuto finally pulls away with a deep breath, relaxing his shoulders a little as he meets Kenma’s eyes. “Can we get some food now before going to sleep? All this crying’s made me hungry,” he laughs out a little, smiling up at Kenma.
“Yes, that’s a good idea,” Kenma tells him, smiling back. “Keiji wanted me to tell you that you don’t have to sleep in the big bedroom if it’s too much and that we can just stay here if you need to. Both of them are there if you need them but only if it’s something you can handle. And Keiji insists you take your time thinking about it.”
“He’s so bossy,” Bokuto jokes, giggling.
Kenma smiles. “He is, but we love him.”
“Yes we do!” After kissing Kenma again, Bokuto flops back down against his pillow, humming audibly for a moment to indicate he’s thinking. “I want to but umm, I still feel kinda iffy about noise I think and I should probably be careful..” Bokuto tells him.
Kenma nods in understanding. “Do you want me to tell them that then? Ask them to not talk when we’re ready to go to the room?”
“Is that ok for me to ask for?”
“Yes, that’s ok, they love you and want you to be comfortable. I know they won’t mind doing that if it’s what you need.”
Bokuto hums before nodding hesitantly. “Yes please.”
“Alright, let’s go get food,” Kenma says, scooting off the bed. He turns to Bokuto, holding out his arms to which Bokuto takes, and as Bokuto is standing up, he doesn’t let the two of them move just yet as he wraps his arms around Kenma, hugging him for a moment and Kenma hugs him back.
The two of them head to the kitchen, lights dimmed, voices quiet and soft as they talk about whatever Bokuto feels he wants to talk about. Kenma tells Bokuto to get ready for bed as he takes care of the dishes after they finish eating, and as Bokuto is doing whatever he needs to do, Kenma peeks into the main bedroom, Akaashi and Kuroo both looking up from what they’re reading as they hear the door open. They both agree with no issue to Bokuto’s request after Kenma explains the situation to them, as he had expected, and he goes to tell Bokuto of their answer before heading back into the room to wait for him.
Bokuto takes a deep breath, trying to calm his nerves a little as he reaches for the door handle to the main bedroom, still a little wary even with the knowledge that Akaashi and Kuroo have promised to follow his terms.
The sound of the door alerts his boyfriends to his presence, Akaashi and Kuroo both smiling as they see Bokuto peek his head in. Silently, Akaashi holds out his arms towards him, Kuroo moving the blankets for him to get in and Kenma scoots over a little to make room. Bokuto smiles shyly at them as he slips into the room, quietly closing the door before he walks over to the bed, leaning forward to accept Akaashi’s offered hug before he pulls back, Kuroo looking at him in question as he points to either side of the three of them or the middle, wordlessly asking him where he wants to sleep for the night. Bokuto crawls up on to the bed, settling right in the middle where he’s immediately hugged and cuddled up to, each of them pressing kisses to his cheeks or nose or side of his head, absolutely smothering him in physical affection which makes him wiggle happily much to the amusement and relief of his boyfriends, all of them glad to see that he’s doing better now.
Not feeling he’d be able to speak now, Bokuto makes a heart with his hands as he looks at all three of them and they get the message, one after another kissing him sweetly in response, and satisfied with that, Bokuto shuffles to lie down fully, closing his eyes as he hugs Kenma resting on top of him, Kuroo following his lead and resting his chin on Bokuto’s shoulder, nuzzling him comfortingly. Akaashi reaches over to the nightstand, turning off the lights and settling into Bokuto’s side.
Bokuto peeks his eyes open just a bit to look at the three of them all keeping him close, safe and protected from any thoughts that might try to convince him of things that aren’t true. Love not expressed through words may not be reassuring to him most of the time but in these moments, it’s all he could ever ask for, and nothing is more of a reminder that there are people who love him than the fact that for him, they always do it completely willingly.