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Kenma wasn’t in their bedroom by the time Bokuto had gotten back from his run, nor had he been in any of the rooms downstairs or in the bathroom, so there was really only one place he could be in right now. Sure enough, the door to the second bedroom is closed when he went upstairs to go change. Normally, this wouldn’t be a problem, but it reminded him of one of the most difficult parts for the two of them when Kenma was the one who went with him to Osaka.
Things have gotten a bit easier to navigate compared to the two years Kenma’s gone with him previously, both of them having learned quite a bit about how to live in each other’s space, how to work around their routines and what to expect when it was just the two of them for several months, but this part hasn’t gotten any easier. Through the years they’ve been friends, and eventually boyfriends, the two of them are now more comfortable with providing each other support and reassurance when one of them was struggling, but days like today were hard when both of them were going through a depressive episode at the same time. Kenma’s moods have gotten more stable over the years as a result of therapy, good coping skills, and medication but it was only natural that he still had those sorts of days where even those weren’t enough to fend off the numbness. Bokuto has the former two but it hasn’t been for very long so he’s not as sufficiently equipped to deal with the episodes as Kenma, and it was more likely for him to slip into that lost, hopeless headspace. And even sometimes, it might still work out that they’d be able to comfort each other, depending on what they both needed, but Kenma only ever used the second bedroom when he needed to be left alone, and today was one of the days where Bokuto needed company, physical comfort, and someone to talk to him to get him out of his head and supply him with reassurances. Kenma needed to be as far away from anybody as possible and Bokuto needed to be able to cling to someone as much as he required.
Despite Kenma not having seen him yet today, he’s actually aware that it’s a bad day for Bokuto too, as he noticed some signs last night from the latter’s poor mood indicating that it was extremely likely to linger and follow into today, with the likelihood of Bokuto’s mood persisting only increasing with today being his day off practice for the week, meaning he didn’t have something that could help him get his mind off of things. He could only imagine that Bokuto would be in a bad headspace and this prediction was solidified by the vulnerable, needy way Bokuto had called out his name to inform him that he was back, and the lack of singing when he goes to take a shower after realizing what’s going on with Kenma right now.
They loved each other, very much so, but they both knew it wasn’t possible for them to provide each other any sort of support.
A few hours after Bokuto had gotten home, Kenma pads out of the second bedroom warily, burying his hands into the pockets of his hoodie as he makes his way downstairs to get food. Someone else would’ve ideally taken care of that task for him but that wasn’t something Bokuto could take on with his executive dysfunction as forcing himself to use that energy he didn’t have would only make him feel even more drained, and while he struggles with not just immediately putting others before himself even when it’s to his own direct detriment, him doing so upsets Kenma, making Kenma’s mood worse which Bokuto avoids at all costs.
In the living room, the tv’s on, Bokuto curled up on his side on the couch as he stares blankly at the screen, likely not taking in any of the movie even though Kenma’s aware it’s one of his favorites. Bokuto lets out a very heavy, tired sigh, closing his eyes for a moment before he looks over just as Kenma gets to the bottom of the stairs, the two meeting each other’s eyes for a second. They’re both quiet, a moment of tension between them, before Bokuto breaks the eye contact, curling in on himself more as he gazes down at the couch distantly, deepening frown mirroring Kenma’s as he heads to the kitchen. Kenma spares a couple glances over at his boyfriend as he gets food, grabbing at least something to take care of himself even if it’s not much, Bokuto not moving or doing much at all as he does so. Kenma’s usually loud, rambunctious, passionate boyfriend stays silent as the movie keeps playing in the background. As Kenma starts to head back upstairs, he walks over to the couch, avoiding Bokuto’s eyes as he puts a plate on the table. Without a word, he then goes back to the second bedroom with his own. He knows Bokuto probably feels guilty that Kenma’s gone out of his way to do something for him that he isn’t able to return with a gesture of his own right now, but Bokuto doesn’t actually need to do anything in return. The fact that he never tries to cross Kenma’s boundaries, even when he’s in such a vulnerable place and in major need of comfort, is the best thing he could possibly give in moments like these. So even if it took just a bit more energy (though it really didn't, not for him anyways), it’s at least something that Kenma is able to do for his boyfriend at this point, and Kenma hopes it’s enough to at least reassure Bokuto that he still cares about him. Today’s a hard day for both of them, they deserve a reminder that they’re loved.
Bokuto’s respect for not engaging him in any sort of conversation (though he might even be unable to at the moment either, Kenma can’t be quite sure at this point) helps him feel a little more ok. Still not great, but his boyfriend always does what he can to show Kenma he loves him, even in the hardest of moments for the two of them, and he really does feel that Bokuto truly and sincerely does hold such affections. Maybe with Bokuto giving him some space and allowing for Kenma to work through his own issues in the way he needs to, he’ll be able to provide some of the comfort Bokuto needs later in the evening.
Sometime after Kenma had seen him in the living room, Bokuto eventually moves to the main bedroom, the house silent for a few hours. Kenma’s spent the afternoon mostly playing on his switch, getting lost in the gameplay as he focuses more on the act of playing more so than reaching some sort of objective. He’s so used to trying to get through games as quickly and accurately as possible that he’s kind of forgotten what it’s like to just go at whatever pace he actually feels like, he should really make some time to do that more.
After reaching a good stopping point in his game, he looks over at the clock to see that it’s nearly 8, so he should probably go make food again. He gets up and stretches, taking a deep breath in through his nose before he takes out his hair tie and pulls his hair back up into a neater bun. Everything is a bit less hollow, he actually feels more neutral now than he had this morning. The food he makes still isn’t much, nothing extravagant or complicated by any means, but it’s more of a proper meal, and he once again gets some for Bokuto too, as there are no additional dishes in the sink indicating his boyfriend’s eaten since lunch. With a knock on the bedroom door, Kenma leaves Bokuto food, slipping into the second bedroom and quietly closing the door before Bokuto has the chance to see him.
It’s a few hours after Kenma had left him food that he’s knocking gently on the main bedroom’s door, opening it just a little to peek inside where he sees Bokuto’s curled up on the bed, his head from the eyes up just barely peeking out over the blankets. Bokuto doesn’t seem to protest his sudden appearance as he opens the door a little more, letting some light from the hallway into the otherwise completely dark room, so he walks gently over to the bed and sits down on the edge of it, satisfied as he takes note of the empty plate on the nightstand before looking down at Bokuto. Bokuto stays hidden away in the blanket, finally managing to lift his eyes from the bedsheets after a moment in order to glance up at him, his eyes incredibly glassy. He doesn’t attempt to make any movements, simply looking back at Kenma in silence.
“Can I touch you?” Kenma asks quietly, Bokuto giving him a very small nod. He puts his hand on Bokuto’s arm. “And is me talking ok?” He gets another nod.
Nodding back, Kenma leans forward to press a kiss to his forehead and Bokuto takes a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment to anchor himself, a task he’s been unable to do by himself today as is the case whenever he’s in this kind of headspace.
“Do you need me to talk right now?” Kenma asks after he opens his eyes again. Bokuto shrinks back into the blankets, his eyes serving as all the indication Kenma needs to know that he’s overthinking the question. “I wouldn’t offer it if I couldn’t give it to you,” he assures in order to immediately cut off the spiral he knows Bokuto was going to start going down before it even has the chance to begin, satisfied to see Bokuto’s posture relax immediately.
With him saying that upfront, Bokuto feels ok enough to give a nod and he moves his arms out from the blankets as he pushes them out of the way, patting the spot behind where he’s laying on his side before curving both hands in a bit and putting one of them flush behind the other. One of the things he hates the most about when the words get stuck in his throat is by far the fact that there’s usually something he wants in order to help him feel better but it’s almost never easy to ask for, not when verbal requests aren’t possible anyways. He always feels ridiculous basically having to play charades in order to get a kiss or for someone to get him his headphones when he’s asking because of an awful mood, as it likely makes things feel less serious, but he just hopes that Kenma was able to understand the question. Luckily, his request seems to have been clear enough as Kenma swings a leg over him and crawls over to get behind him, scooting up as he lies down to spoon him. Bokuto takes a deep breath as Kenma’s chin rests over his shoulder, closing his eyes as Kenma nuzzles at his neck gently after tucking them back into the blankets.
“Thank you for giving me the space I needed today, I know today was probably hard for you too," Kenma says quietly, his arms gently wrapping around Bokuto's waist. Bokuto can only nod in acceptance of the thanks and as a response to Kenma's speculation, and it’s hardly much of an answer at all but his lack of words doesn't bother Kenma. Or at least, he's going to try his best to believe it. Kenma wouldn't have come to check in with him if he wouldn't have been able to provide support right now, and he wouldn't have offered to talk if he didn't feel able to. Kenma said so himself after all, and even though his brain is trying to tell him that he's making Kenma stay and that Kenma doesn't actually want to be here dealing with him right now, he's going to try, he'll try to not deny that he needs company and affection and for his usually quiet and soft-spoken boyfriend to fill the silence with as much rambling as possible.
“I listened to that song you were talking about yesterday, the one you told me that you thought I’d like,” Kenma tells him and he lights up a little, doing a bit of a happy wiggle to himself, making Kenma laugh slightly and kiss the back of his neck. “It was good, I really liked it. I see why it’s one of your favorites,” Kenma keeps talking, nuzzling close, "I was listening to it just before I came to check on you actually, it helped me feel a little better.”
Bokuto looks over his shoulder at Kenma in surprise, looking at him silently as tears pool up in the corners of his eyes. Even without him being able to get out the words, Kenma nods to answer the question his expression is asking, though it's a question Bokuto probably can’t put into words. Kenma understands it still.
Kenma gently wipes away the first tear that runs down his cheek, not bringing attention to it otherwise, knowing Bokuto’s not in much of a place to get into it right now. “I know you have practice tomorrow but if you feel up to it after you get home, I’d like to play something together. I think I’ll need some of your company if you’re feeling ok with that.” Hearing that, Bokuto scoots back into Kenma’s hold to get closer as a way of expressing his agreement, the thoughts in his head quieting just a little as Kenma holds on to him tighter. “I don’t know if I’ll have the energy to play actually, but maybe if I can’t and you wanted to, we could cuddle and I get to watch?”
“Even if I’m terrible at it?” Bokuto murmurs out quietly, and that gets Kenma to laugh louder than he usually does, pressing more kisses into Bokuto’s neck and at the base of his hair, burying his nose into the unstyled black and white strands.
“Yeah, even if you’re terrible at it, because it’s you there.” Kenma hears Bokuto sniffle, the tears increasing in frequency. He just leans forward, pressing a kiss to his boyfriend’s cheek gently before nuzzling him, knowing it’s simply just a release of emotion that he hasn’t been able to get without Kenma’s company today. Bokuto doesn’t feel compelled to say more than that one sentence, so Kenma keeps talking about anything and everything that he knows his boyfriend loves to hear about, keeping him close and letting him feel whatever he needs to as Kenma can finally give him the support he’s been in need of.
Neither of them feel completely ok but that’s ok in and of itself. They’ll be there for each other wherever they can because they love each other, and if they can’t for any reason, if their needs conflict and they need to step away from things in order to take care of themselves the best they can, that’s a sign that they love each other too.
Days like this can be hard, but even when it reminds Bokuto of the most difficult part of his relationship with Kenma, it also always reminds him of one of the best parts: he doesn’t have to be exactly what Kenma needs for Kenma to love him. He’d like to think Kenma sees it that way too, because Bokuto really does.