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Sometimes, Bokuto honestly didn’t know what he could possibly bring to his relationship with his boyfriends.
He knew that it was a lot of internalized ableism and hatred, poor self-esteem due to how people treated him as he’d grown up, how people still treat him, that was where this mindset came from, but it was one he fears he’s never going to be able to break. His entire life has told him that he was too much—in what he needs, in what he feels, in what he is—for anyone to possibly bear with it, and if they did, it was merely a matter of obligation. Both his mom and sisters had to bear with it because they were his family, they had no other choice but to accept who Bokuto Koutarou was and live with that because they shared the same blood, and people see them as saints for humoring him in all the ways they did and for even having the patience in the first place. He knows that if he were to ever say that to them, even if they’ve already heard him say it dozens upon dozens of times before, the three of them would immediately comfort and reassure him otherwise, promise him that he’s never been too much, that other people just don’t make the effort to consider that his brain just works differently and that that’s on them, and that they love him because they wholly and completely want to. And he knows they’re right too, but it’s been so deeply rooted that he’s not sure if there will ever be a time where he fully believes it.
He even knows that that’s ok, that that’s actually completely normal when it comes to mental health because even if he’s still struggling with his own, being friends with and dating Kenma has given him the chance to see that things like anxiety and depression, and the mindsets that come from things like that, won’t ever fully go away, there’s no way to get rid of them completely. Kenma still has his fair share of struggles, but with several years of managing his mental health through a combination of support systems, therapy, and medication, he’s gotten better at not letting them consume him. He’s learned how to work through those instinctive thoughts nagging at him that everything was hopeless and that people were watching and judging and scrutinizing his every move, he’s been able to believe more and more often that Bokuto, Akaashi, and Kuroo loved him so so much and always want to help him where they’re able to, he’s improved in sitting down with the feelings he has and treating himself with kindness and compassion, and acknowledging that those struggles are always going to be there but that he’s not any less because of that. Kenma’s always going to have social anxiety, he’s always going to have depression, those won’t be going away, but it gets a little bit easier with each day, each week, month, and year that goes by to not believe the unhelpful things his mind says about him. Bokuto may not be as far along in managing his own mental health, and his situation is a little different from Kenma’s, as is everyone’s mental health, but he’s made progress and he’s starting to be able to believe people a decent amount of the time that the things in his own head about who he is to other people aren’t true. He knows mindsets can change, knows that he’ll be able to believe more and more with time that there’s nothing wrong with him, that he’s not too much, but it’s just a little more complicated when it’s not because of a mental illness that he has such doubts.
Neurodivergency. It’s an interesting word, it’s one that he’s found a bit odd since he first heard it only a few years ago. He’s honestly not sure what to feel about it at times because to put it simply, his feelings about it and the relevance it has in his life are… Well, complicated.
His depression is something that developed, it wasn’t always a part of his life, but he’s always had ADHD. He can point to a specific area of time where his depression developed, the start of high school, for a number of different reasons he doesn’t want to put much thought into right now, but ever since he was born, his brain has always worked differently. There wasn’t ever a time where he could really control his volume or his feet or by contrast, where he couldn’t help but space out and be off in his own little world, there wasn’t ever a time where he didn’t get deeply invested in things whether it be a show or music artist or a sport that’s since become his world, there wasn’t ever a time where he didn’t have a lot of big, intense feelings that were hard to keep subdued. He’s never been able to read novels without immense difficulty and he still can’t tune out a conversation from the other side of the room whether or not he can even make out any actual words. Social cues probably won’t be getting any easier and the pangs of rejection when no one actually means anything of the sort aren’t likely to go away either. Chores have always been dull, bordering on genuine agony, for him, and it’s consistently inconsistent what will be able to grab his attention and scratch that itch in his brain in any given moment since as long as he can possibly remember. No matter which part of his life he looks at, he’s always had ADHD, he’s always been neurodivergent.
If he remembers correctly from what Kuroo’s been teaching him, there are certain parts of his brain, like the prefrontal cortex, that are smaller than in other people’s brains and some parts have weaker or unnecessarily convoluted connections with other parts, making for an inconsistent relay of messages to the areas of his brain that lets him focus and not drift off and whatnot. Unlike with his depression, which is a result of insufficient levels of a few different chemicals, his ADHD is something fundamentally different with his brain and the way it’s structured. Kuroo said that technically there is a lack of dopamine with ADHD too, which is also one of the chemicals involved in depression and likely made him more susceptible to developing depression in the first place, but he emphasized that the whole wiring thing is just as important to keep in mind and shouldn’t be disregarded. His neurobiology literally diverges from that of most of the human population.
Seeing as it’s something fundamentally integrated into him and the ways in which he can think and process and communicate, it’s harder to believe that the things a lot of people think of him aren’t true because it’s not a matter of his brain telling him that a situation is hopeless or if Kenma’s brain were to say that someone laughing as he walked past them was actually laughing at him even if he hadn’t done anything, it’s a core part of his being that people are taking issues with. Telling himself that his emotions are not any less important and valid than everyone else’s when he’s been told by a lot of people to “stop being so sensitive” isn’t easy when his emotional capacity is a fundamental aspect of who he is as a person, rather than the mindset simply being from something mean his brain is telling him.
He’s been told he’s too sensitive or that he’s selfish for his lack of investment in the world outside of what he’s consciously aware of, he was shushed in at least 95% of his conversations as a kid, he’s had people look at him in poorly concealed annoyance over how into things he’s gotten, he’s been insulted to his face more times than he’s able to realize. People have outright avoided and ignored him throughout his life, he can count on both hands all of the people who ever remember if he had been in the middle of telling a story, and for so many things, he’s asked if “something actually matters” or “what’s so important” and that “why does he even care???”
With all of this, how can he possibly have anything that makes it worth it for his boyfriends, especially with all that they do for him? He can sometimes barely remember to take of himself, and that doesn’t even take into account whether or not he actually has the executive function capable of carrying it out when he does remember, so his boyfriends frequently have to remind him to get himself something to eat or go to the bathroom. Sometimes Kuroo makes him breakfast or Kenma grabs his meds or Akaashi washes his hair in the kitchen sink because he doesn’t have the energy needed to do it by himself. Oftentimes, he’s never able to offer to cook meals or help out with folding laundry. They remember his schedules and meetings and obligations better than he does and sometimes remind him of important events he’d have been none the wiser to at all if not for them bringing it up the day before. Kuroo helps him read through and understand contracts for various promotion deals. Kenma makes sure he’s maintaining any gear he needs for training and helps him buy new equipment when he needs any replacements. Akaashi outright does his taxes for him.
And that only counts for basically just “being an adult,” they do so much for him that they don’t need to and yet do anyways. Akaashi’s always helped pull him out of his own head whenever he gets trapped ever since they met in high school, even when he could by all means let him figure out his thoughts on his own. Kuroo always provides him with a ton of physical affection, and often that’s really helpful for when neither Akaashi or Kenma are able to. Kenma helps him work through things that are bothering him with just pure logic, as he understands as well that sometimes, the emotions are so much that something solid and concrete and objective is the only thing that’s able to help, because it doesn’t have to rely on his brain cooperating with him. Akaashi helps him talk through what he’s feeling so that he can figure out where certain moods are coming from and why they’re affecting him in the ways they are. Kuroo distracts him whenever there’s too much going on and he’s getting overwhelmed with all of the things he has to do. Kenma takes note of everything, and pieces together that information to help him in a million tiny ways that Bokuto couldn’t even begin to list. They all encourage him to talk whenever he’s feeling keyed up, they all make sure he has his headphones and his charger and something to fidget with and any other things that aren’t strictly necessary but that are useful for his ADHD whenever they go out to do something, they all have helped him feel better about needing a therapist and medication for his depression and ADHD, they all try to make sure that he knows he’s loved every moment they can.
They all do so, so much for him when so many people before looked the other way and let him deal with it all by himself, and though he knows his boyfriends would promise he does, sometimes he worries that in exchange, he’s never doing enough to repay them.
The front door opens and Akaashi lets out a heavy sigh as he walks in, and Bokuto can practically imagine the weary expression on his face from the sound alone. After a moment of silence, Akaashi finally walks into the living room, spotting Bokuto lounging on the couch with his laptop, and Bokuto locks eyes with him. Sure enough, Akaashi looks tired but as they look at each other, seeing him actually causes Akaashi to smile, just a little, and Bokuto can’t help himself from grinning, which makes Akaashi smile a little more.
Akaashi doesn’t say anything but with a casual nod of his head towards the stairs and a questioning look, Bokuto gets that Akaashi’s asking him to come with him upstairs if he feels up to doing so. Nodding, Bokuto sets his laptop aside as he closes it, sliding off the couch to follow his boyfriend. Heading down the hallway, Bokuto watches as Akaashi walks into their paired room, not looking back to see if Bokuto joins him, because as they all know, none of them are required to see what’s going on to warrant one of those rooms being used. So as to be considerate of Akaashi, knowing he’d insist on it, Bokuto actually stops and checks in with himself to see if he’s feeling up to helping right now, and today’s been pretty good so he should be able to. He can always leave if he needs to after all, because he knows Akaashi wouldn’t be mad over him respecting his own boundaries and needs, as Bokuto feels the same way for him and their other boyfriends. With that conclusion, Bokuto walks into the room and closes the door behind him gently.
Turning back to Akaashi, he sees as his boyfriend has flopped backwards onto the bed, not even having bothered to change out of his clothes from work. Akaashi’s eyes are closed as he takes some deep breaths for a moment before he reaches his arms out to him, not even attempting to sit up.
With a light chuckle, Bokuto walks over to him. “Someone’s tired today, huh?” he muses, though he leans down to fulfill Akaashi’s request for a hug all the same.
“Mmmm,” Akaashi just gets out before wrapping his arms around Bokuto’s shoulders and legs around his waist as Bokuto takes him in his arms, pulling him as close as possible. “Mhmmm,” he finally hums out when he’s successfully koala’d on to him, burying his face into his neck.
“Do you want to talk about it after we get you changed into something more comfortable, Keiji?” Bokuto asks him, laughing as Akaashi makes a dissatisfied noise at the idea. “I promise my cuddles will feel better if you let me, I wanna make sure I give my Keiji only the best after all!!”
“Fineeee,” Akaashi whines out, letting him go to allow him to grab a t-shirt and lounge shorts from the dresser. Bokuto lets him just lay there as he gets Akaashi out of his work clothes (after asking for permission of course), his boyfriend only having to do the most minimal work when Bokuto asks him to raise his arms or lift up his hips. After helping Akaashi into the clothes he’d grabbed, he stands up, pulling his own shirt off over his head. “Wait, what are you doing?” Akaashi interrupts him as he finally peeks an eye open, voice simply curious as Bokuto had moved to pick up Akaashi’s clothes to also take them over to the hamper.
Bokuto blinks at him for a moment. “Uh, I’m just gonna put them in the hamper, so they’re not cluttering up the bed,” Bokuto tells him, a bit confused.
“All of it?”
Bokuto raises an eyebrow. “Yeah, I don’t see why I wouldn’t.”
Akaashi shakes his head which only confuses Bokuto so much more, before making a grabby hand towards him. “Want that one,” he just says instead of explaining anything.
Looking at Akaashi, and then back down at his own hands, he sees that Akaashi’s motioning to the shirt he’s just taken off. He blinks again.
“Oh!” he finally exclaims as his brain catches up. Even as he lets out a laugh, he feels his cheeks heating up. “Yeah uh, yeah alright, you can wear this one,” Bokuto says and smiles sheepishly at his boyfriend, Akaashi’s focus on his goal not relenting for even a second to acknowledge that he’s managed to fluster Bokuto as he lifts his arms up over his head. He looks downright demanding and Bokuto can only laugh more at that, helping Akaashi into his own t-shirt instead.
When he’s done so, Akaashi closes his eyes again, pulling the front of the shirt up to cover his nose as he inhales deeply, smiling contently.
“You’re such a weirdo, Keiji,” Bokuto jokes lightly as he now is allowed to grab the dirty clothes and take them across the room.
“Don’t care,” Akaashi answers with a relaxed sigh.
“You all have this thing with wearing my clothes as soon as I take them off, what is it?” Bokuto chuckles as he hugs Akaashi again and pulls them to lie down properly on the bed, letting Akaashi rest on top of him.
“Comfy, warm, smells like you,” Akaashi lists, suddenly observing him with a piercing gaze, “just provided its assistance in letting me eye up my buff, sexy professional athlete and absolute sweetheart of a boyfriend who I want to spend the rest of my days worshipping and reminding him of exactly how much I love and cherish him because he deserves every single second-“
“Keijiiiiiii!!” Bokuto whines loudly as he slaps his hands over his eyes, face easily a bright red and the tips of his ears positively burning by now at Akaashi’s words, unable to take the unrelenting intensity of the verbalized affection. Akaashi just chuckles near his ear and presses a kiss to his cheek lovingly, which only causes his face to burn more. “Hhhhhhhhhhh!!”
“Apologies love, I just love seeing you blush, it’s so cute,” Akaashi tells him simply.
“Don’t you lie, you’re not sorry,” Bokuto mumbles out, not being able to help himself from smiling as he hears Akaashi let out a loud laugh.
“Not at all,” Akaashi hums and Bokuto pulls his hands away from his face, leaning forward to give him a kiss.
“Well, now it’s time for your uh, buff, sexy…” Bokuto trails off, immediately regretting repeating it as Akaashi smirks down at him.
“My buff, sexy professional athlete-” Akaashi reminds him, waiting for him to say it back with a knowing grin.
“Your buff, sexy professional athlete-” Bokuto mumbles embarrassedly.
“And absolute sweetheart of a boyfriend-”
“And absolute sweetheart of a boyfriend-“
“Who I want to spend the rest of my days worshipping-“
“Who you want to spend the rest of your days worshipping-“
“And reminding him of exactly how much-“
“And reminding him of exactly how much-“
“I love and cherish him-“
“You love and cherish- Yes yes yes, that, it’s time for that boyfriend to listen to what’s bothering you!!” Bokuto cuts off, too embarrassed to repeat any more lest his face actually light on fire, looking at Akaashi with a serious expression, quickly attempting to show him that he’s ready to listen and provide support.
Akaashi gives him a fond smile before his expression changes to one of thoughtfulness, resting his head down on Bokuto’s chest, his cheek against Bokuto’s sternum, as he lets out a sigh, and Bokuto wraps his arms around Akaashi to give him a sense of comfort. “Please tell me that everything I’m doing isn’t meaningless and that I’m not wasting my time doing things that don’t actually even matter,” Akaashi requests, holding on to him.
“Of course what you’re doing isn’t meaningless, Keiji, you don’t have to change the entire world in order to do something meaningful,” Bokuto tells him softly, rubbing a hand over his back. “Some people are always gonna say what you do doesn’t matter, and that’s the case for everything. There are people out there who think that what I’m doing doesn’t matter, that I shouldn’t be wasting my time running around and smacking volleyballs onto an opposing team’s side of the court for people to have some entertainment and fun. There are people out there who think that Kenma could be doing so much more with his life than sitting in a chair all day talking to a camera as he tries to win a boss fight to get to the next part of a video game. That’s just cause those things don’t affect them though and they’re just judgmental. Sure, some people don’t like watching a volleyball match or think it’s boring or dumb but a little kid might come to one of my games and see a goofy, energetic, bouncing-off-the-walls kinda guy like me getting to do something that makes me happy that still lets me move around all I want, and that helps them feel ok about having ADHD too! Not everyone gets how gamers could possibly be doing something useful but for a teenager who stumbles upon Kenma’s channel, maybe they see someone who’s soft-spoken and more reserved that still is able to connect with people and that encourages them to try talking to someone that they’ve been wanting to become friends with. What we do doesn’t have to be anything major or all that noticeable to other people, but you help get stories to people that they might connect with and find comfort in. Can you imagine what would happen if no one looked over Tenma’s first draft that he did at 3 in the morning running on nothing but coffee?”
“Oh dear,” Akaashi mutters to himself.
“We wouldn’t have all the super cool stories we do if there weren’t people like you working behind the scenes! Half of the things writers would make probably wouldn’t even make sense without someone there to look over it and help them streamline their thoughts! And even though what you or I do isn’t necessary, and maybe the world could live without such ‘frivolities,’ life is something that should be enjoyable, not just something we can tolerate. I think the things you do matter, even if you struggle to yourself. I think you don’t even need to be doing something meaningful for the world anyways, I love getting to spend time with you just because you’re yourself and I love the things that make you you,” Bokuto tells him kindly. He isn’t exactly sure if that was the answer Akaashi was looking for but he just found himself having more and more to say as he kept going, wanting to share how he felt about the matter. Akaashi turns his head to meet his eyes, just looking at him for a moment in comfortable silence. A thought randomly pops into his head and though he wants to wait for Akaashi’s thoughts, he can’t help himself from asking in a loud whisper, “Did I use ‘frivolities’ right?”
Smiling at him, Akaashi nods. “Yes, yes you did, good job,” he says in a genuine tone, causing Bokuto to do a happy little wiggle. Akaashi kisses his cheek lovingly. “I suppose you’re right, it’s all just a matter of subjectivity, huh?”
“Yeah, at least that’s what I think anyways! People think all sorts of different things about other people, it doesn’t mean they’re right though! As long as you see what you do as having value, even if it’s just for a few people, others can’t stop you from doing what you choose to do.”
“Yeah, yeah that’s true. And I’m really doing enough even if that’s just being me? You really think so..?”
“Always, you never have to do anything for anyone else’s sake. You aren’t any less wonderful to be with if all you ever do is be you, I don’t love you based on what you are doing for me. You feel the same way about me too, I don’t need to make all your problems go away, I don’t need to be available for you at all times, I can just be a volleyball nut with big emotions and poor focus! I still struggle with remembering that sometimes but I know you’re going to love me even when it’s hard to believe it.” Giving Akaashi a smile, Bokuto can’t help but feel proud as Akaashi finally looks like his thoughts aren’t racing, a million worries and stresses demanding his attention.
“Thank you, that was just what I needed to hear,” Akaashi says softly, hugging on to him tightly and Bokuto hugs back. “You’re so intelligent, Kou, how some people aren’t able to see that always confuses me.”
Bokuto smiles sheepishly. “I mean, I don’t know if that really makes me smart, I don’t think that should be a novel sort of concept..”
“But it is and it takes a genuine effort to maintain that mindset, you make sure to think about things critically. You’re very emotionally intelligent, I’ve always admired that about you,” Akaashi assures him.
“I thought this was about cheering you up, why am I the one being complimented here?” Bokuto pouts at him.
“Well, I am cheered up,” Akaashi answers with a shrug, reaching for one of his hands and interlacing their fingers before smiling up at him. “It’s just that in order to have someone as wonderful and kind as you in my life, someone who loves me so fully and completely and loves getting to see me happy, I must’ve done something right, yeah? Nothing but the best kinds of people get to have you be a part of their life, that I know.” Bokuto blushes as Akaashi brings their joined hands up to him, kissing over Bokuto’s knuckles, an entirely too fond look on his face. And he looks happy, genuinely happy about that, which sort of makes Bokuto want to cry out of how much affection Akaashi holds for him.
“Well uh, then yes, yes, you’ve done something right if that’s the case!” Bokuto laughs out breathlessly, trying his best to encourage the positive, healthy thinking. He’s willing to admit that he probably does give Akaashi the affection he deserves, even if he doesn’t always believe it, in order to affirm that Akaashi is enough.
Letting out an amused huff of laughter, Akaashi leans down and gives him a soft, light kiss before nuzzling their noses together. “Thank you for reassuring me of that, today was just not a super great day honestly, I needed to know that you think I’m doing ok with my life.”
“I always want to reassure you whenever I can, Keiji! Is there…” Bokuto pauses, trying to figure out how to word his question for a moment. “Did it have to be me specifically? I mean, was it that you wanted to hear it from me or do you say that because situationally, that’s how it panned out?” he asks curiously, even if he might just be reading into Akaashi’s phrasing and it actually was meant in a general sense.
“From you specifically.”
“Oh, how come?”
“Right now I feel like I’d just have a hard time believing anyone else I suppose. People could just be saying all of that kind of stuff just to cheer me up, not really because it’s what they honestly feel. I don’t think that Tetsurou or Kenma would lie to me but you always give your honest thoughts whenever people ask you any sort of question, you don’t tell people something just because it’s what they want to hear. And you don’t hesitate to tell people what you really feel when they ask you, you don’t want to hide any of your thoughts either. It’s just fully and completely what you think about something. I feel like I can always take what you tell me at face value, I just really needed that sense of certainty.”
“I mean yeah, cause it’s dumb if you’re just saying that to cheer someone up! How’s that supposed to help them? It wouldn’t be very useful if you only heard things that I came up with just because you weren’t in a good mood or feeling very self-confident, it doesn’t apply when you’re not feeling sad then, and that might make you worry about whether or not I actually view you positively and then it becomes a whole mess! That would just be mean to you, and me being mean to you isn’t anywhere close to something a good boyfriend would do.”
“And this is why I feel more able to believe you when it’s harder with others, so thank you for always wanting to stay true to what you believe,” Akaashi hums, kissing his cheek.
Bokuto beams. “You’re welcome!!”
Akaashi laughs, kissing him again.
Humming to himself, Bokuto heads up the stairs with the goal of grabbing his phone charger. As he gets to the top, he notices that one of the doors is closed.
This isn’t a door that is closed fairly often like his or Kenma’s or any of the paired rooms where either of them has claim over. It’s not even one of Akaashi’s rooms.
No, this is a most uncommon scenario, it’s his and Kuroo’s.
Bokuto could probably count on one hand all the times that this door has been closed not by himself before and that’s not because Kuroo doesn’t trust him or anything, it’s just that Kuroo often doesn’t need to use the paired rooms much at all. Sure, he has his share of issues, he gets stressed and upset and overwhelmed just like the rest of them, but of everyone in the relationship, he generally handles things the best and can get through them without too much trouble. He usually prefers to reach out for support from all three of them anyways, it helps him feel less alone and for him, it’s reassuring to have so many heads focused on a problem. Usually if being around all of them is overwhelming for Kuroo, Kenma is most likely the one he deems can help him the best, seeing as they’ve been friends since they were kids, but it’s not an exceptionally big gap compared to the times where he deems him or Akaashi necessary.
Because of how uncommon this is, Bokuto’s honestly not sure what sort of problem Kuroo’s dealing with right now, but he feels good enough to at least see what’s going on so he walks over to the door, knocking on it gently before slowly opening it and peeking his head in.
Looking into the room, Bokuto sees Kuroo laying on the bed, hands resting over his stomach with his eyes closed, but he then takes a deep breath before turning his head to look over at him.
“Hey,” Kuroo says quietly, smiling a bit. It’s the type of smile that’s sort of like Kuroo’s just a bit frustrated with life right now, and the happiness from seeing him isn’t any less real than he’s making it seem, which is a mood Bokuto feels he can handle.
“Hey hey hey Tetsu, room for one more over there?” Bokuto asks him with a soft smile, earning him a snort.
Kuroo smirks at him with a nod, patting his lap. “Totally, get over here,” he chuckles out.
Bokuto certainly doesn’t need to be told twice, opening the door more to slip in before he closes it and practically runs over to the bed, clambering on to sit on Kuroo’s thighs before he leans down to give him a kiss. He stops just short of it though. “Oh, can I kiss you? Is that ok?”
“Yeah, thank you for being considerate and asking though,” Kuroo tells him appreciatively, placing his hands on Bokuto’s waist.
“Mhm!” Bokuto then gives him a quick peck on the lips before pulling away with a grin. “I love you!”
Kuroo smiles at him in the way that Bokuto knows means he’s thinking about how he’s just so cute (Kuroo’s words, not his), quietly telling him, “I love you too, so much.”
Satisfied with that, Bokuto lies on top of him, his boyfriend not protesting as he tucks his head into Kuroo’s neck. “So I hate to bring down the mood after just making you smile but what’s up? Something bothering you?”
Bokuto feels a kiss being pressed to his hair as Kuroo turns his head to look down at him. “You’re not bringing down the mood, it just means you care about how I’m feeling, that could never put me down,” Kuroo hums softly, taking a deep breath in before letting it out. “Some coworkers have really been pissing me off lately and I’m just tired of all the crap with them, you know?”
“Wanna tell me about it?” Bokuto simply asks him.
“Definitely, thank you so much baby,” Kuroo murmurs, pulling him closer, and Bokuto snuggles in and gets comfortable so that he can listen. “Man, ok, so I don’t know if you remember this or anything but Makino’s first year anniversary with her boyfriend is coming up, and of course she’s excited about it which is fair, I get it. Well, during a conversation about a week ago when she mentioned it, Imai of course couldn’t help but ask how everyone’s love lives are doing and she asks me if I’m still not dating in that tone that you just know is so judgy, cause apparently it’s very difficult to respect decisions about what other people do with their lives!” Kuroo huffs sarcastically, pressing a grumpy kiss to his hair in defiance before continuing, “I think Makino didn’t know before that conversation that I’m ‘single’ and deemed that unacceptable, Imai immediately backing her up on it and the two started going on about how I should really be putting myself out there because I’d apparently be so much better off if I had a girl in my life. They don’t know I’m dating the three of you after all, but still, what does it matter to them whether or not I’m in a relationship? And it’s annoying enough that they talked about that our entire lunch break and kept me from getting myself food, but the two of them have started to tell me about friends they have that they think I would be interested in, and I haven’t given any indication that I’m remotely interested but they still keep trying to get me to ‘give it a chance’ before it’s ‘too late’ and I ‘regret it!’ I’ve even specifically said in plain Japanese, ‘No thanks, I don’t have any interest in dating right now’ and yet they still keep pestering me about it!! It’s such bullshit, right?”
With a frown, Bokuto looks up at him. “That’s so dumb, you even made it clear that you don’t ‘need’ their help. It’s not like you didn’t communicate your feelings about it, they’re just outright ignoring your own feelings on the whole thing at that point.”
Kuroo nods, groaning as he lets his head fall back into the pillow. Bokuto follows his example, letting out a pouty huff as he lets his head fall into Kuroo’s chest, arms wrapping tighter around him. “You said it,” Kuroo agrees, causing Bokuto to giggle a bit which causes Kuroo to crack a slight grin.
“It isn’t any of their business if you’re dating or not, I don’t get why they even care about it! It’s like they’re saying you can’t be fulfilled in life without a romantic partner, as if you wouldn’t be able to be happy with your life yet because they think you’re single!”
“Well, I will say that I do feel fulfilled with having you, Keiji, and Kenma in my life, but that’s just because you’re all you,” Kuroo chuckles, one of his hands rubbing gently over his back. Looking down at him with a smile, Kuroo lets out a light sigh, cupping one of his cheeks. Bokuto smiles back at him, leaning into his hand. “I of course love you being my boyfriends but I wouldn’t need to be dating any of you to be able to enjoy what you bring to my life.”
“Awww, Tetsu-babe!!” Bokuto coos out, teasing him slightly for how sappy Kuroo’s getting on him but it’s also genuine, Kuroo understanding that as Bokuto gives him a playful little wink and leans down to kiss him gently. Bokuto hums happily into it when Kuroo reciprocates.
“It’s true, and my life is fulfilling in so many other ways too, I don’t get why it needs to be such a big deal.”
Bokuto shrugs a bit. “People are weird. It’s like they feel they can’t consider you a full person without having an ‘other half’ when you’re amazing and wonderful all on your own! I don’t get how they could see someone as funny and charming and intelligent as you as incomplete just because you don’t have a girlfriend, that’s so silly.”
“You and me both, baby, you and me both,” Kuroo agrees. “Can you imagine how shocked they would be to find out that one of my significant others is actually a tall, buff professional volleyball player?” he suddenly muses out.
The very idea of that causes Bokuto to let out a loud snort, just imaging their complete and utter silence at realizing that Kuroo, cool, confident Kuroo, is dating someone just as masculine (at least in terms of what people see at first glance, both physique and personality-wise) as he was, maybe even more masculine at that! Kuroo is definitely not a stranger to keeping his body in shape, but while definitely good-looking (Bokuto sure thinks so at least), it’s a little difficult to tell just how much of a physical build he has. He’s lean with more muscle definition than mass, and Bokuto knows he himself is unmistakably visibly athletic in comparison. It would completely floor them to know that Kuroo was dating essentially the exact opposite of the people they’ve been trying to set him up with.
After a moment, Bokuto finally says, “I think they’d just go silent in shock for 20 minutes!”
“Oh come on Kou, no need to be unrealistic here!” Bokuto tilts his head questioningly at Kuroo’s response. “It’d be 30.” Kuroo smirks.
It quickly throws him into a laughing fit, which Kuroo joins in after a minute, and the two of them just take some time to get out some of the tension and frustration from Kuroo’s whole situation. It feels good to just laugh over the pure absurdity of such a thing, because Bokuto knows Kuroo is content with his life just as it is now, and that the annoyance merely comes from the fact that he wants to be allowed to have that contentment without other people trying to unnecessarily meddle. He shouldn’t have to tell everyone about his relationship status just to get them off his back about something as arbitrary as the idea that it was the only way for him to be happy.
“I’m sorry that you’ve gotta deal with all that though, that sounds so crummy,” Bokuto tells Kuroo sympathetically after the laughter lets up and the two are left in a comfortable quiet, kissing his cheek gently.
“Yeah, thanks for listening, I needed to get that out there. I don’t really know what I’m going to do about it but eh.” Kuroo gives him a slight shrug.
“Well I don’t think I’d be much help with that,” Bokuto sighs out. This is always the hardest part with helping them out, he never really knows what advice to give if it’s about a specific situation. Sure, he feels he gives pretty good pep talks, but that’s only when it comes to stuff like worries or insecurities, the more abstract concepts, not with social interactions. He doesn’t completely get people all the time, and especially not people like Kuroo’s coworkers, so he wouldn’t even know where to start. And he’d been doing so good with helping Kuroo too…
“It’s ok baby, I wasn’t expecting you to,” Kuroo says plainly, looking at him without a hint of disappointment on his face at the admission.
“Huh?” Bokuto gets out, very confused for some reason, like his brain’s having trouble processing.
Kuroo only gives him a sweet, fond smile, sitting up a bit and leaning back on his hand to hold the both of them up. “I wasn’t expecting you to help me with figuring out how to deal with it,” Kuroo hums, reaching his other hand up to gently pet the slope of Bokuto’s nose with his index finger. Bokuto scrunches his nose a little but smiles, giggling to himself as Kuroo keeps doing it.
“Wait, but really?”
“Mhm, it’s why I’m in here after all.”
Suddenly, Kuroo’s intrigued him immensely and Bokuto’s gaze focuses back on his boyfriend, eyes zeroed in on him. Maybe it has a more nuanced meaning or maybe Kuroo just said it as a passing remark, but if nothing else, Bokuto’s certainly set on finding out which one it is. “What do you mean?” Bokuto asks him.
To his dismay, Kuroo stops petting his nose, but his attention is now completely on him in order to answer the question, which likely means there’s a larger explanation and Bokuto simply can’t miss out on what it could possibly be.
“Well, the paired rooms are usually chosen based on who we think can best provide us the support we need, right?”
“Right.”
“I love Keiji and Kenma, of course I do, but whenever it comes to these sorts of things, the way they tend to handle it is usually going right into finding a solution. I know they tend to want to get a handle on things as quickly as they can because it helps them feel more able to move forward and start dealing with the rest of it when it comes to their own problems, and I definitely need some of that sometimes, but there are times where that won’t really help much. You just tend to let me feel things, you like giving me space to sit with my emotions and experience them, and I appreciate that. I feel like I can just simply express whatever’s going on without having to look for an answer or some way to start dealing with the problem. Sure, I want them to leave my love life alone, but honestly, I’m just feeling frustrated with it and I wanted to show that to you and just talk about it for a bit, get it off my chest.”
As Bokuto listens to the explanation, he nods along in understanding. To be honest, he’s never really noticed that before, but maybe that’s just because Akaashi and Kenma don’t do that when they’re comforting him, since they know that doesn’t really help him a lot of the time. It seems to just be a testament to how they accommodate each other’s needs in that case, which Bokuto can’t help but feel all warm and fuzzy about.
“I didn’t know I did that, maybe it’s just because that’s what helps me a lot? I dunno, I just have a lot of emotion that people usually want me to take care of right away and that makes me feel like my emotions are dumb because people think I should ‘just get over it’ so I don’t want to do that for you guys?” Bokuto finds himself explaining. “I know you guys haven’t had people really make you feel that way about your emotions but I like making sure you know I care about your feelings, I want you to know they’re important to me and that I don’t need you to know how to deal with something in order to love you, I don’t love you because of how well you solve your problems. I just love you, all of you, just like you love all of me and I’m rambling again, aren’t I?” he trails off quickly, casting his eyes down as his cheeks heat up. He didn’t even notice that he started doing it, he just kept on going.
Kuroo chuckles lightly and grabs a gentle hold of his face, smiling at him. “It’s always so cute when you ramble, I loved it,” he sighs out with as much affection as he could possibly put into his voice, pulling him in for a kiss. That definitely does not help the heat in Bokuto’s cheeks.
After Kuroo breaks the kiss, Bokuto rushes forward, wrapping his arms tightly around Kuroo’s waist as he buries his face into the crook of his neck to hide how flustered Kuroo’s just made him. Though him attempting to hide his face probably shows Kuroo that just as much, huh? Well, he’s doomed, his boyfriend is just going to get to see how much of an effect he has over Bokuto no matter what.
“I love you, Kou,” Kuroo simply murmurs into his hair, pressing a kiss to it.
Bokuto whines high in his throat at the statement but snuggles into Kuroo more, mumbling out an “I love you too, Tetsu,” into his shirt. He can feel Kuroo’s smile.
The clatter of something hitting the floor suddenly comes from Kenma’s gaming room before a heavy thump follows, Bokuto’s head suddenly whipping up at the noise as his eyes widen. Scrambling up from where he’s been scrolling through his phone on their bed, he rushes out of the master bedroom and over to where the sound originated from. His hand fidgets as he tries not to open the door too quickly, only pushing it just enough to peek in.
Kenma’s on the floor on his knees, game controller next to him, clutching tightly at the front of his hoodie as he gasps for air, his breaths harsh and irregular.
He’s having a panic attack.
He must’ve collapsed, that had to have been what the sound from earlier was, but that doesn’t really matter right now Bokuto realizes as he shakes his head. Though he tries not to scare Kenma, Bokuto opens the door as quickly as would be reasonable right now and hurries over to his boyfriend, sitting down on the floor in front of him.
Kenma doesn’t have his hands over his ears, what he usually does whenever sounds are too much for him and he’s overloaded, so Bokuto deems that it’s probably safe for him to talk. “Hey, Kenma, it’s me, it’s Koutarou. I’m here, I’m right here for you, you’re safe,” Bokuto tells him, keeping his voice quiet just in case.
With a shaky exhale, Kenma looks up at him, meeting his eyes. Bokuto waits a moment for Kenma to process that he’s there, which luckily doesn’t take too long. “Hey there, you with me?” he asks once Kenma seems to recognize who’s in front of him. Kenma gives him a shaky nod, and Bokuto smiles at that, encouragingly assuring Kenma, “Good, that’s great, you’re doing great Kenma. Is there anything I can do to help?”
Releasing his hold from his hoodie, Kenma reaches out his arms towards him, the expression on his face nothing sort of pleading, begging for Bokuto to hold him, and Bokuto wouldn’t even think of doing anything other than that, pulling Kenma into his lap and hugging on to him gently. Kenma tightens his hold on Bokuto as soon as he’s able to, and Bokuto knows that that’s a sign that he’s allowed to do the same so he does, squeezing Kenma as tight as he can without hurting him.
“Do you want me to take you somewhere? I can move you to any room you need.”
Bokuto gets a nod.
Adjusting one arm under Kenma’s thighs, the other still wrapped around his back, Bokuto carefully stands up, making sure he has a firm hold on Kenma so he won’t drop him before he presses a kiss to Kenma’s hair. “Alright, where do you want to go? Are you able to tell me?”
“Our room, our room, please, please, I don’t wanna be alone, don’t leave me alone,” Kenma quickly rushes out, voice muffled in Bokuto’s shoulder as Kenma shakes.
“I’m not leaving, I’m right here, I’m right here, Kenma,” Bokuto reassures him, hugging him closer. “You want to go to our room? The one for just the two of us?” Kenma nods. “Alrighty, let’s go to our room then.”
Bokuto turns to leave the gaming room now that he has some direction of what to do to help Kenma, turning off the lights as he gets to the doorway before he takes the two of them down the hallway to his and Kenma’s shared bedroom, closing the door behind him.
“Lights off?”
Kenma gives him another nod so he walks over to the bed, lying down on it and letting Kenma adjust how he deems fit before he’s holding Kenma in a tight hug again. Despite the time that’s passed since he’d gotten to Kenma, the latter’s breathing hasn’t calmed down even though Bokuto can hear as he tries to go through his breathing exercise so he asks, “Do you want me to help guide you?”
Surprisingly, Kenma shakes his head in response, fisting into the back of Bokuto’s shirt. Bokuto gives him a moment as Kenma works up the energy to say something.
“Just talk, just talk, please just- Talk please, about anything, all my thoughts are so loud,” Kenma whimpers out weakly, burying his face into his shirt again as he takes a harsh inhale, body shaking violently in his hold.
Despite the worry, Bokuto does his best to just smile and nod, rubbing a hand over Kenma’s back. “Alright, uh, does my volume matter?” he asks before starting, and Kenma luckily shakes his head. He would obviously try his best to watch his volume if Kenma needed him to, but he isn’t the best at it, so he’s grateful that that isn’t a concern right now.
“So you know that one hoodie I found that I showed you a week ago, the kinda pastel but kinda neon one, and how I realized they were out of stock when I was showing it to you?” Bokuto asks, though he doesn’t actually wait for Kenma to answer, “I got an email today that it’s back so I bought it! It’s gonna take a couple weeks to get here which kinda sucks but I’m excited! And of course, you have my permission to steal it when you’ve deemed it smells like me enough, even though it’ll probably engulf you.”
Kenma lets out a quiet snort of laughter, his breathing still heavy but at least starting to become more uniform.
“Though I think you probably already know that, huh? I mean, you’re so tiny, don’t my shirts reach to halfway down your thighs? Or even your knees if I get something baggy on purpose. You know, the fact that all of you wear my clothes a lot sort of encourages me to buy cool stuff I want because I kinda get stuck on the whole thing of ‘Yeah Koutarou, it’s cool but you already have 5 hoodies, is there really any reason to get another one just because it’s designed after that one anime character you like?’ even though I’m good about making sure I’m being mindful of whether or not it’s genuinely something I don’t need. But then I think to myself that like, hey, usually a couple of my hoodies or shirts or that kinda stuff are circulating around the three of you so it’s not like a majority of them are going unworn a lot of the time! And then when I get them back, then they smell like you guys and that makes me happy!”
Bokuto keeps on rambling, just letting his mind go anywhere and everywhere. Occasionally Kenma will make a comment, mostly he doesn’t, and that’s ok for Bokuto. Kenma’s breathing slows down as he talks but he’s too absorbed in telling about something he’d learned from a video the other day, trying and failing to remember the exact details of everything but not finding himself minding that, just enjoying getting to tell his boyfriend about it.
Eventually, Kenma takes a deep breath, snuggling into him a little more at the end of one of his trains of thought. Bokuto looks down, seeing Kenma smiling a little at him and he beams back, pressing a kiss to his forehead.
“Thank you,” Kenma tells him quietly, pressing a kiss to his cheek in return.
“You’re welcome, Kit Kat!” Bokuto hums out. “You don’t have to but do you want to talk about it?”
“Mhm. My anxiety’s been acting up all day and I’ve just been on edge. I was recording for a video though and when I went to turn the camera off, I found out it died sometime during the recording and I don’t know where. I could’ve lost all my footage, I spent 4 hours and finally managed to beat the boss that’s been giving me trouble since the last video I posted for this game. I was just barely able to and I might have to redo the entire fight,” Kenma explained, taking a deep breath as his voice wavers a little. Bokuto rubs gently along his back and Kenma nods in response to his efforts to comfort him, closing his eyes for a moment. He lifts his head up after he’s calmed down again. “It was just too much, all of the anxiety hit me at once and then suddenly I couldn’t breathe.”
“That’s not fun,” Bokuto says gently to which Kenma makes a noise of negation, shaking his head. “Do you want to know what I’m thinking?”
“Mhm.”
“I think we should go get your camera plugged in so it can charge and then do the best we can to not worry about it until we can see where it cut off. Hopefully you didn’t lose too much of it but if you did, I’ll help keep your mind off it and you can think of how you want to go about it in the morning, after you’ve gotten some sleep and your head feels a little clearer,” Bokuto suggests, watching Kenma for any reactions as he listens to the idea. “Or if you think something else will help you out more right now, I’ll help in whatever way you need if I’m able to.”
“I like that idea,” Kenma only says softly and Bokuto smiles.
“Alrighty, do you want me to go plug the camera in then and come back?”
“Can you take me with you?”
Letting out a chuckle, Bokuto sits up gently, moving his arms to support Kenma as he stands up. “Of course, you can stay right here with me for as long as you need!”
Kenma clings to him tightly as he walks back to the gaming room, keeping his boyfriend up with one arm as he gets the camera plugged in with the other. Once that’s done, Bokuto presses a kiss to his neck and Kenma mirrors the gesture.
“Where to?”
“Can we watch a movie downstairs?”
“Course, Kit Kat. Just want it to be the two of us?”
“Yes please.” A slight pause before there’s a soft whisper of, “Sorry…”
Hearing that, Bokuto shakes his head, holding him closer. “No need to apologize, Ken Ken, Tetsu and Keiji will understand! If the one and only Bokuto Koutarou is all my little Kit Kat is able to handle, that’s all he can handle, no justifications needed!”
Kenma smiles just a little. “Ok,” he relents, going quiet afterwards. Bokuto doesn’t mind.
As it turns out, the camera recorded essentially everything but his outro, and Kenma starts crying out of relief into his shoulder when he figures this out. Bokuto’s happy that his boyfriend doesn’t have to stress about it but he still assures that his time wasn’t by any means wasted with Kenma needing his support even when things ended up being not nearly as bad as Kenma had feared.
Since not much was lost, Bokuto ends up waiting in the room, patiently standing out the view of the camera while Kenma redos the outro, having enough energy to just do it then and there so it’s out of the way, and once that’s done, Bokuto keeps him company the rest of the evening. With the spaces in conversation that Kenma’s unable to fill, Bokuto gladly does so instead, keeping his mind occupied whenever he needs it.
Sometimes, Bokuto honestly didn’t know what he alone can provide for Akaashi, Kuroo, and Kenma. Sometimes, he did and still doesn’t think it’s enough to reciprocate all that they give him.
Sometimes though, the three of them remind him, whether by answering his questions directly, mentioning it on their own, or through just the ways they interact with him alone, and he believes it. It’s still something he’s working on, it’ll be a while before he’s able to fully understand why he’s important to them, but he’s going to get there eventually, and he knows that in the meantime, they’ll keep reminding him as much as he needs. And when he needs their help, he supposes that that helps remind them of what they bring to his life too, and he’s always going to be more than happy to show them.