Chapter Text
Technically, Carter and I had been dating for three months, though if you added up the time from middle school, it’d be around six. It was almost like season one and season two, so we often didn’t think of them together, but it was always a running joke between us.
As of late February, I had already taken my GED since I had started cramming immediately after Thanksgiving break. It probably wasn’t the best idea, but I passed, started applying to colleges, and at least had been invited to do a few job interviews. Though the moment I had an ounce of free time, which was often, I was at Carter’s apartment.
Blair and Aaron were his favorite friends of mine, probably since I met them first, though it was nice to blend in with his crew since I hadn’t formed my own yet. I had lost track of most of my crew from high school, and since I was closer with Carter, I didn’t mind.
I enjoyed having more time to be alone with him. By January, I turned 21, so we’d go out drinking and get our shit rocked at all the frat parties happening around campus. Though, we still spent more time at his place since it was freezing and we were too lazy to do anything.
One night after Carter and the guys passed out at Aaron’s place, we woke up to a blizzard that Monday morning. Since we were stuck, we played cards and video games, drank even more, and made the most of it. Since I still wasn’t aware of my alcohol tolerance, I got shitfaced, and Carter had to take me back to his room before I threw up.
Despite being sick that day, I needed socialization. Just like when I was a kid, the more people I had around me, the less I’d get lost in my thoughts. Even though I was getting better, some stuff still hung on me. I would talk to my mom, or usually Carter, but it didn’t perfectly solve anything.
The older I got, and the more I became more in control of my life, the more I thought about my dad.
I didn’t know why.
Sure, him not being around to support us all my life was a prime point, but even though I was being myself, I couldn’t help but compare myself to him. The only people who can really see the resemblance to him are my mom or my uncle, though they never bring it up.
Still, I can’t help but be self-conscious.
I had long hair like him, a pointy nose, thick eyebrows, a tendency to be cold, and anger issues, and until I got arrested, we had the same eye color.
I couldn’t help but feel like a walking flaw, especially after analyzing hundreds of rap lyrics when I was drunk at Aaron’s. Sure, I wasn’t in a gang, didn’t do drugs besides weed now and then, and hadn’t killed anyone, but I did get arrested, had no dad, and was technically a bastard.
A half-bastard, if you will, since though I was born after my parents got married, they only got married because of me.
And it all went downhill from there.
I sat on the bathroom floor in Carter’s apartment, the blond still holding my hair even though I had relatively finished hacking up my insides. The tile was cold, but it was relaxing.
“Sorry you had to deal with that…” I mumbled, wiping my mouth. “I think I drank too much.”
Carter rubbed my back while chuckling a bit. “Nah, I think you just had too much vodka. Don’t trust anything Stefan brings. But don’t worry, I’m not mad or anything.”
The blond helped me up and handed me some mouthwash, though all I did was lean on the sink for a while, still getting my bearings.
“Are you okay? Drinking aside, you’ve seemed kinda uneasy all week.”
I stared at his reflection in the mirror as he fixed his gaze on the floor. “Eh.”
Carter hated when he was aware that I was upset but couldn’t explain it. Frankly, it bothered me too. I grew to realize that whenever I got upset and my eyes rapidly changed colors back and forth, I’d receive terrible migraines.
The worse I was mentally, the colder I felt, the more my head hurt, and the more unstable I felt emotionally, whether that be fits of anger or crying without reason.
Carter always did his best to help me, but it mostly happened when I was alone. I’d just have to pray the pain away because the more I screamed in agony, the worse my headaches got, and I was more likely to get glass everywhere.
Usually, my solution for calming down was passing out and waking up hours later, feeling as if I’d experienced a terrible nightmare. I knew it was because of my sedation and I didn’t feel like I could tell anyone—not my mom, not Carter, not a doctor—because how on earth could they heal that?
It was just something I would have to deal with.
It never happened much, but when I experienced it, I knew it was from holding in too many of my problems. By now, I knew the importance of being honest with myself, but still, some things I wanted to keep secret.
I brushed my teeth as Carter gazed at me from the door, worried.
“Is there anything I can do to help?”
As I rinsed out my mouth, I stared at the running water. “Probably not.”
“You sure?” He asked, cleaning up the bathroom as I finished up.
Anything I would want to do to clear my mind would probably make me feel worse and throw up again since I was still drunk. Motorcycle ride? Nope. Stuffing my face with cake? Definitely not.
I was growing to realize that the more booze I had in my system, the more I wanted to touch Carter. I didn’t wanna fuck up and try and screw around with him, especially since we still hadn’t done it yet. The last thing I wanted was to lose my virginity drunk and not remember anything or have him have his first time with me be a hot mess.
So, that was off the table. I wanted it to be on the table, but for my own good, I blocked it out.
“I uh, I don’t know. Sorry.” I took my shirt off and balled it up since I was still overheating, and the sensation was making me sicker.
I walked past the blond and flopped onto his bed face down, though my directory was off, and he had to run over and help me before I fell on the floor.
For once, I must’ve been way warmer than him since his hands felt cold against my back and it was so refreshing that the moment he touched me, I let out a soft moan.
“Whoa, are you good?” Carter exclaimed as he slid me all the way onto the bed.
“Your hands feel awesome,” I mumbled, waiting for him to touch me again.
He snickered. “Seriously? I haven’t done anything differently. They’re just colder than usual.”
I felt the bed dip as the blond sat beside me, and then he ran his hand across my lower back. He laughed as I hummed a little until he moved away.
“Do you want a massage?” Carter asked, sounding very unsure of himself.
“Wait, really?”
“Yeah, sure, if you want.”
He ran into the bathroom for a few seconds to wash his hands and when I saw him return, he had the biggest grin on his face. He awkwardly walked around the bed, searching for a good spot, until he just sat beside me again.
“I feel bad just watching you suffer here, so I’m glad I can at least do something.” He cracked his knuckles. “Even though I don’t know what I’m doing…” He mumbled.
I chuckled. “Eh, as long as you touch me, I really don’t care.”
The blond pressed one of his hands against my back, laughing. “Is that so?”
We cracked a few more jokes until I melted into his touch and was too zoned out to come up with anything else funny. I couldn’t muster anything happy, even. I wanted to doze off and not think at all, but after several minutes passed, my issue resurfaced.
Someone needed to know. Roger and my mom already did for the most part, but I knew almost everything about Carter. I was still learning new stuff from when we were apart, but it was time he got the same treatment in my regard.
“Hey,” I muttered, rolling my head out of his pillow so he could hear me. “Can I talk to you?”
“Huh? Sure, you don't have to ask me that.”
I sighed as he ran his hands down my back. “Well, no, i-it’s just kinda dumb and uncomfortably personal."
"That's fine." He chuckled. "What's up?"
"I just… I keep thinking about my dad.”
Carter paused for a second. “Your dad? You’ve never really…brought him up before.”
I snickered. “Yeah, cuz he’s dead to me, but I just can’t get his stupid ass out of my head.”
“I know he left you when you were young.” The blond pressed his knuckles into my shoulder blades, and I groaned.
“Yeah. He’s a terrible person who disappeared with no warning but, I don’t know, I just can’t help but wonder if I’m such a mess because of him. Like I’m just his devil spawn.”
Carter sighed. “What? No dude, you’re a good person.”
“Maybe to you.” I gulped. “Maybe right now. My mom’s the perfect one and Lloyd got all of her genes, leaving me with my dad’s toxic ones. I fear that the older I get, the more I’ll turn into him."
I paused and stared out the window as some snow fell off a tree, making a sound similar to when clothes were dropped onto the floor. I could feel Carter’s hands shaking against me.
“I don’t wanna grow up into a monster,” I whimpered. “I don’t wanna hurt people like he did—I don’t wanna hurt you! What if I fuck up so bad again that I push you away…?”
“Jean, you’re not a monster and you never will be! And I don’t care about the hills we might have to climb together, okay? But no matter what, I’m sticking around for good.”
I continued to get lost in my head.
“Am I like this cuz I never had a male role model? No one to teach me to be strong or treat people, or even treat women! Maybe I started going for dudes because the other side was foreign to me.” I chuckled harshly. “Maybe I wouldn’t be confused, as they say, or looking for love in all the wrong places. Like with a dude.”
Carter stopped for a second and didn’t say anything. I replayed the words in my head.
“No, that…” I let out a shaky breath. “That doesn’t sound right—I love you for you. I don’t see you as a father figure or want you to act like one. Sure, I do sort of see you like family but regarding how I feel about you, it would be weird in that context.”
“Jean, it’s okay. I get it.”
“I love you because you’re my best friend.” I felt the tears stinging my eyes, but I blinked them back. “I love you because you’re sweet and handsome and smart…and you’re always there for me. I don’t have to hide when I’m around you because you make me feel good about who I am,” I whispered. “I-I love you so much, Carter.”
He had his hands on my sides and leaned down to kiss my back. “I love you too, Jean.” His voice was shaking, but he sounded happy.
“I just wish…I didn’t have to hide in my own house. Sure, Ezekiel’s gone, but he wrecked my family, and though my mom and Lloyd are there for me, home has never really felt right.”
“No wonder you always wanted to hang out at my place after school or have sleepovers there.”
I chuckled. “Or do anything besides go back home.”
“Skate around town, run in and out of stores, hang by that shabby wall we vandalized in freshman year.” He laughed.
“Yeah.” I smiled a little. “Even though you weren’t family, being around you gave me that same warm feeling.”
“Are you sure that’s not just cuz you had a crush on me?”
I snickered. “Shut up. You were just…I don’t know. You had all the qualities of a good person jammed into one. You were balanced and made me feel whole since…home life never provided that.”
“Can I ask you something…personal? Y-You don’t have to answer if you don’t want.” He muttered.
“Mm.”
“Did…he abuse you?” He asked hesitantly.
I stared out the window. I waited for more snow to fall to fill the silence, but nothing moved. It was just our breathing. Our breathing and the quiet sound of Carter’s hands sliding down my back.
“Not really. Or at least not me.” I finally admitted. “He scared me, sure, and would threaten me every now and then, but he usually went at my mom with words. I only got shit when I’d try to stand up for her.”
“God, was he always like that? Why the hell'd she marry him?”
I sighed. “It was a shotgun wedding.” I glanced at him. “Are you sure you even wanna listen to this? It’ll probably take forever.”
I saw him smile. “I have the time. We’re snowed in and when I have not wanted to listen to you talk, depressing or not?”
I chuckled. “You’re sweet.” I grinned as he kissed my back again.
“So are you.”
I took a deep breath. “Even as a toddler, I always thought my parent’s relationship was off… It was until my dad left that my mom told me the truth. Before they got married, it was sex and money that kept them close.”
“Apparently, they had only been together for two or three years before my mom got knocked up with me. My dad wanted an abortion. My mom refused. My dad said a child would disrupt their relationship, but my mom refused to let me go.” I mumbled. “So, they got married. She didn’t want me to be born without a father’s name on the birth certificate, and if they weren’t together, her entire side of the family would freak.”
“What the fuck?” Carter whispered.
“When I was a baby, I think my dad actually liked me.” I chuckled. “I hate looking through photo albums, but I saw a few pages with pictures of my dad hanging out with me. Laying beside me while I played with toys, holding me while watching football, and even of me sleeping beside him in their bed. And he was always…smiling.”
I grinned a bit while staring into space. “My mom said he was mesmerized by his ‘mini me’ since I looked just like him.”
Carter chuckled. “That’s adorable.”
“Yeah, but then as babies do, I grew up. And the older I got, the more I became a burden.” I muttered. “He’d spend more time out of the house. He claimed he was at work, but who knows. In the end, he’d leave my mom to pay for all the necessities. Behind my back, he called me a problem child and a waste of money.”
“For a while though,” I went on. “They were good at keeping their arguments under wraps and out of earshot of me. But it just got worse because my mom needed money and support and was dying for him to spend more time with me, with the both of us, but he was a jackass. She just wanted everyone to work together.”
Carter reached up and combed his fingers through my hair.
“I knew my dad was a bad guy, but I still missed him. I didn’t know any better. Our only quality time was watching TV together. I missed when he’d take me to the park or out for walks or play with me in the backyard. He just…stopped talking to me, but despite that, I enjoyed being in his presence.” I sighed shakily. “But the more he yelled at my mom, the more I stayed away because I… I was scared.”
A tear rolled down my cheek, and I was relieved that I couldn’t see Carter’s expression.
“I remember this one Sunday morning. I was four and woke up to them yelling from their rooms, and eventually, they moved into the hallway. There was so much cursing and s-screaming and my mom looked so afraid. I left my room, and my dad told me to go back to bed. My mom ordered the same, but in her case, I could tell she was concerned for my safety.”
“When I refused, they went downstairs to the kitchen, and despite the warning, I stealthily chased after them because I was worried about my mom. I don’t remember what they were yelling about, but suddenly I saw him slap her, and she fell to the ground while he towered over her,” I explained as my voice cracked.
I rolled onto my side, curling up into a ball.
“In response, I raced into the kitchen, pulled a frying pan out of the cabinet, and swung it into his knees. He collapsed instantly, and the moment he glared at me, I ran. ‘Your kid is a fuckin nuisance!’ He shrieked. ‘He shouldn’t even be here—I never wanted to have a kid with you! You’re such a mess! You and your shitty genes made this worthless problem child!!’”
I started sobbing into the sheets as the scene replayed in my head. I pulled on my hair as my headache grew, trying to distract myself from the pain.
Carter leaned over, anxiously trying to comfort me while I lost my composure.
“He chased me into the basement, and I locked myself in the bathroom, bawling my eyes out as he insulted me from outside the door. I just repeatedly yelled at him to go away, to stop hurting Mommy, to love us again… Cuz at one point he did, right?”
“Jean…” The blond rubbed my arms while I tried to wipe my face.
“For an hour I was in there until I saw the bathroom window, squeezed through, and ran to the park from my backyard. On the swings, I talked to one of my classmates from preschool. I didn’t know what to tell her, but I remember her giving me the cookies she’d always carry around in her pockets…”
When I finally made eye contact with Carter, I realized he had been crying too.
“I try not to think about what could’ve happened between my parents when I left. The moment I got back home, I locked myself in my room. It’s just…looking back on it, I felt like my personality became clear that day. I have my father’s tendencies, his disobedience, his anger—but some of my habits probably come from living in that environment.”
I rolled onto my back, and Carter ran his hand across my stomach.
“And Lloyd?”
“My dad left when my mom was three months pregnant with him. I was five, and by then I think he was more scared of me than I was of him since I would do anything to protect my mom,” I sighed.
“But does Lloyd know about any of this? The fighting?” Carter asked hesitantly.
I shook my head. “All he knows is that our dad left when I was little. My mom and I knew he wouldn’t be able to handle the truth. We…were both mistakes, and our father wished we’d never been born.”
Carter wiped my face, trying to format a response, but he was struggling. I couldn’t blame him.
“I-I’m sorry you had to hear all that—I didn’t mean to drone on for so long, y’know how I lose my filter when I get drunk…”
“No, don’t apologize!” He said with a frown. “I’m glad you told me. I hate knowing that you had to go through all that, and I hope your dad gets what’s coming to him for how he treated you, but I’m happy to know you trusted me enough to share something so personal.”
I hid my face as Carter leaned down, embracing me. My breathing was shaky, but I felt comfort in clinging to him.
“But Jean, you’re not gonna end up like your father. You’re nowhere close to being like him,” He chuckled. “If you were, I’m sure your mom would’ve already said something."
I dug my face into his neck. “Yeah, I guess. It sucks but it made me who I am today. I had to be strong, otherwise I would’ve gone insane back then.” I laughed. “It’s sort of the reason I’m so outgoing and nice.”
“Really? To most people I figured it would’ve done the opposite.”
I smiled a little as he let me go, sitting up afterward. “Well, I knew what it was like being bullied just from living in my own home, so I started standing up for those kinds of kids at school. I didn’t want anyone to experience what I did, so I tried to be someone they could trust and play with.”
“And that internal mission led to you befriending me, I guess.” Carter blushed. “See, you’re not a terrible person.”
“Y-Yeah. And you’re right, at least all that shit helped me cheer you up.” I got lost in his teal eyes. “You made it worth it. I’m so glad I met you,” I said softly and pecked him on the lips.
I snickered as he tensed up. “And thank you for the massage. It helped a lot.”
“R-Really?”
I rubbed my neck. “Yeah, uh, your touch is really soothing. And your hands are soft. And since I still feel all woozy, it’s like all my senses are heightened, so while your hands are probably like they’ve always been, they felt amazing. Especially since they were cold.” I chuckled. “I’m sure I would’ve cried way more if it weren’t for you.”
“Wow. I mean, yeah, I’m glad I helped.” He laughed at himself for a bit and then reached out to my face for a second, only to awkwardly pull back.
“What?” I asked.
“N-Nothing, sorry,” He stammered, eyes glued to the bed.
I held in my laughter, smiling. I knew what he was trying to do in his own nervous way, so I leaned back in and kissed him for a few seconds longer. Though, as I pulled back he continued to lean in, lingering.
“Tch, you at you, being all desperate.”
He rolled his eyes. “F-Fuck off.”
I snickered, resting my hands on his waist as I kissed him some more. His lips were so soft and warm, and the more I tasted him, the more I felt like I was melting into his body. He was the one thing throughout the night that kept me sane, and I wanted to keep touching him.
I was trying to restrain myself, but I proceeded to slide my tongue across Carter’s bottom lip and into his mouth, which led to a muffled moan slipping out of our mouths. He pulled me into him, trying to keep up with my rhythm that I wasn’t even sure of.
I tangled my fingers in his curls and moved back in an attempt to catch my breath. “Y’know, since I’m all sad and just finished bawling my eyes out, you should be taking control,” I teased.
“What? C’mon, you know I suck at that.”
I let go of him, leaning back onto his pillows, and despite his statement, he stared at my chest with a grin.
“C’mon.”
“S-Shut up, I don’t want you to get all worked up again. You should just be still for now.” He said.
I scoffed. “C’mon, you know you wanna kiss me…” I droned, only for his face to turn red in response.
“Please Carter…” I whispered.
He glanced at me, and I smiled a little, even though I saw how much his hands were shaking. I always loved hugging and kissing him, but I wished he wouldn’t always wait for me. Sure, his shyness was adorable, and there was only so much his nerves could do, but every now and then, I wanted to see him act out.
I’m sure if I held back for too long, he’d eventually get desperate, push me against a wall, and kiss me, but I didn’t wanna wait that long. He would probably grow into it eventually.
I looked off the side., preparing to give up, until I saw Carter comb his hair back and lean in, pecking me on the lips. In an instant, he tried to sit back up, but I trapped him, feeling him smile into the kiss as he ran his hand down my stomach.
Eventually, I released him while laughing as he laid on my chest, running his fingers across my barcode.
“Thank you.”
“I’m sorry,” He began awkwardly. “I know I’m supposed to be cheering you up, I just—”
“No it’s okay, it’s cute. I like teasing you.”
He clicked his tongue, pulling up the covers over us. “You’re a dick.”
“You are what you eat.”
He snorted. “What?! You’ve never even sucked dick before, right? Right?!”
“I was joking, of course not! Or at least not yet.”
As Carter was caught off guard, I pulled him into another kiss, but it was hard to laugh and kiss him at the same time. I ran my hands down his back, stopping once I got to his waistband.
“You’re so fucking cute,” I whispered to Carter who still had his eyes closed, and despite my interruption, continued to feel me up.
I liked how it felt to have his hands exploring my chest, and with my filter gone, I couldn’t help but hum as he touched me. For a good few minutes, I forgot what was going on, or frankly that I had spent the last hour rambling to Carter about my deadbeat dad.
Thanks to how much I had drunk earlier in the day, I managed to fall asleep way before Carter. But even though I usually took a while to doze off on average, whenever he was next to me, I had no struggle.
Even though I was still at his flat because of the weather and I’d likely be stuck here for a bit longer, I wanted to stay here on the daily.
I knew eventually I’d go off to college, but his place would always be my home away from home. It had what I wanted most:
Space, privacy, and, well, Carter.
That was all I needed.