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“Dad?” Kurt’s voice was soft, barely loud enough to be heard over the football game Burt was watching on the big screen. Kurt glanced briefly at the screen, wondering if he was interrupting, if he should come back later, but before he could even voice the concern, the TV flicked off and Burt was looking directly at him.
“What’s up, Kurt?” Burt asked. Kurt joined him on the couch, perching on the edge of it as he pulled the sleeves of his pajama shirt over his thumbs. An anxious gesture - but, well, Kurt was anxious. He’d been anxious all day, ever since the previous night, when…when everything that happened happened, down in the basement.
He’d never been more convinced that his father loved him. Burt loved him well, truly and deeply, and unshakably. More than anything.
Maybe more than he should.
In spite of knowing this, Kurt couldn’t help but wonder if maybe Burt would love him a little less after what he had to say. Kurt couldn’t help but wonder if he’d deserve that.
“Kurt?” Burt prompted gently, after Kurt hadn’t said anything for several moments. “Everything okay?”
Kurt felt the words choke him, tangling up into a thick, heavy ball in his throat that he could barely breathe around. He tried to speak, but nothing came out - nothing except more tears, and then he was crying again, like he had been since the second he got home and closed his bedroom door behind him.
“Woah, woah, buddy, what–what’s wrong?” Burt said, immediately pulling his son to his chest. If this was more bullying shit…Burt frowned and squeezed Kurt tightly, already mentally preparing to charge into that useless principal’s office first thing in the morning Monday, when Kurt finally spoke.
“I’m sorry,” Kurt managed, his voice rough and choppy. He wiped his tears on his sleeve and tried to speak again. “Dad…last night wasn’t–it wasn’t Finn’s fault.”
“Kurt–”
“No,” Kurt said, sitting up some, enough to look at his father. “No, you–you need to let me finish, Dad, please. Please.”
“Kurt, there’s no excuse for saying–”
“I–I know, Dad, believe me, I would know, and I’m not–that’s not what I’m saying. Please. Please just listen, please?”
Burt gave a quiet harrumph of displeasure, but raised his eyebrows expectantly. He did listen - he listened as Kurt told Burt what Finn had done that day at school; the red monstrosity of a dress he’d showed up in, how the entire Glee Club had come to his rescue, how Kurt didn’t know what might’ve happened if they hadn’t, no matter how brave he’d tried to be in the moment. He told Burt that Finn had apologized in the best of ways, and that Kurt knew, in his heart, that Finn not only wouldn’t ever say that again, but that in his core, Finn wasn’t like those other guys. He just wasn’t.
“And that’s why…” Kurt sniffled. His cheeks were already pink from the crying, but the grew a few shades darker in the pause between his words. “That’s why I like him. Like-like him. Or…like-liked him, I guess, I don’t…” Kurt sniffled again, glancing briefly at his father to see if the fact that Kurt had a real boy-on-boy crush was registering poorly. Burt’s face remained a mask of concentration.
“But…anyway, Dad, he only–he only said that because…because I made him say it.”
“Kurt,” Burt began, holding up a hand when Kurt tried to object to the interruption. “Nobody makes anybody say or do anything, okay? You don’t control Finn.”
“I know,” Kurt said, something like a wry smile briefly flashing across his face. “That’s kind of been the problem.”
“What do you mean?”
The anxious knot in Kurt’s stomach twisted and tightened. This. This was the part he was afraid of. The part he knew would make his father ashamed of him.
But he had to do it. He couldn’t stop now. He’d come this far…
So Kurt told Burt everything. All the misguided, stupid, over-the-top attempts to woo Finn into liking him. All the times he’d tried to persuade Finn away from liking girls. All the times he’d oggled him, even, and that was a lot of times. He even told him about the time he’d gone over to Finn’s place and seen he and Burt watching the game together, and how insane that had driven him, how mad that had made him.
“...So,” Kurt finished, rubbing his nose with his sleeve, “you see, Dad? It wasn’t his fault. Don’t–don’t be mad at him. You should…you should be mad at me.”
Burt was quiet for a long time. A long time. So long that Kurt thought he might never speak to him again. But then…Burt sighed and ran a hand over his face.
“Kurt,” he sighed, “when I was your age, I liked plenty’a girls who didn’t like me back.”
“But–”
“But what?” Burt said. “It’s not different just ‘cause it’s two dudes. What would you have told me, if I told you that in high school I’d tried to trick a girl into hanging out with me, or tried to sabotage her dates with someone else?”
Kurt blinked. “I…I don’t know, you would never…”
“I know what you’d say. You’d make me get on FaceSpace or MyBook or whatever and look her up and apologize for how I treated her. And you’d be right to do that. Because, Kurt…” Burt sighed again. “Whether it’s a guy and a girl or two dudes or even two girls, what you just told me…it’s harassment.”
Kurt dropped his gaze in shame, focusing all his attention on his fingertips. Bitter relief coursed through him as the anxious knot in his stomach unwound a little - just a little - because Burt was right. That was the name for what he had been doing. He’d been harassing Finn, almost the way the stupid jocks harassed him, but just…different. Different motivation, but still…
Still harassment.
“Kurt? Kurt, look at me.” Burt waited until Kurt reluctantly lifted his gaze to meet his father’s eyes. “What you did was wrong, and you should not do it ever again. Whether to a straight guy or a gay guy or a girl or anybody, y’hear me?” Kurt nodded. This was as serious as he had ever seen his father, and that weighed heavily on him. “But…you don’t feel good about this, right?”
“Feel good–?” Kurt choked out, eyes widening in surprise. “Dad–”
“You don’t feel like you’re…oh, what’s the word, uh…entitled to Finn?”
“No! No, I–I just thought maybe he’d never…you know, considered all of his options before, and…”
“If a girl did that to you ‘cause she thought you hadn’t considered your options–”
“Dad! I’m not–I’m not disagreeing, I’m just…” Kurt let out a frustrated groan and covered his face with his hands. “I don’t feel entitled to him, Dad, he’s just…he’s just…”
When Burt spoke, his voice was gentle, and Kurt felt Burt’s arm wrap around his shoulders once more. “He’s just the only boy your age that’s nice to you,” Burt said, giving Kurt a small, sympathetic smile. “Makes sense you’d fall for him. I remember the first girl who was nice to me…I thought I was in love with her for all of freshman year. I left poems in her locker’n’everything.”
For a moment, Kurt was completely distracted from his own problems. “You wrote poetry?”
“What? No, I looked it up in books,” Burt said with a chuckle, which made Kurt laugh too. “We didn’t have the Internet back then. We had to do our dirty work the hard way.” Burt shook his head fondly. “Anyway, I finally got up the courage to give her some flowers. In person. Not only did her boyfriend not appreciate the gesture, but she barely knew who I was. I’d taken some small things and blown ‘em up way bigger in my head, ‘cause I really liked her. She didn’t take the flowers, and she gave me all the poetry back. She’d thought it was her boyfriend bein’ ‘romantic’, even though that idiot couldn’t even probably spell ‘library’, let alone visit one…anyway, I was crushed, but thank God that didn’t work out the way I wanted it to, ‘cause I met your mom a few years later. If I’d been like that with her, she woulda dressed me down smart and then left me in the dust. And I woulda deserved it, too, but…my point is, I learned from my mistakes, and you’re way smarter than I am, kiddo. Making a mistake…or even a couple of mistakes…doesn’t make you a bad person.”
How did Burt always know just how to cut to the quick of the real problem? Kurt had spent all day worrying he was one of those ‘predatory gays’ Fox News liked to blather on about; that he was worse than the stupid jocks that pawed at the cheerleader’s skirts; that he was just like this - that even gay, he was still just the worst sort of man to be, just…to other men.
But if his dad had been like him once…? Burt was the best person in the world, as far as Kurt was concerned. And if even he…
Kurt nodded slowly. “Okay,” he said softly. “I’m…I’m really sorry, Dad.”
Burt shook his head. “It’s not me you need to apologize to, son.” And then he just looked at Kurt, all expectant, and Kurt’s stomach sank, but Kurt nodded again. Burt was always right, even when it was really inconvenient.
Around ten in the morning the following day, Kurt was knocking on the Hudsons’ front door. It was Saturday, so Finn at least should be home, even if Carole had a shift at the hospital–or not. The door swung open and there was Carole, just as happy as ever to see him, as if he wasn’t the current holder of Worst Gay In Ohio (Age 12-18 Division).
“Kurt! Kurt, come in,” Carole said, stepping aside only long enough to close the door before she wrapped him in a tight hug. “I already spoke to your father, but I am so sorry for what Finn said to you. It’s completely unacceptable, I don’t even know where he learned that word–”
Kurt did, and it wasn’t from his angel of a mother. He hugged her back awkwardly and gave her a little smile. “It’s really okay, Carole, uh, he and I–we’re fine now. He made it up to me.”
Carole’s smile was wide and relieved. “Oh, good, sweetie, I’m so glad to hear that. He’s still grounded until further notice, but–”
Kurt’s heart sank. “Can I talk to him, though? Please? It’s…it’s important.”
Carole considered for a moment, then nodded. “Sure. He’s up in his room. If he’s doing anything other than reading or cleaning, though…”
“Got it,” Kurt said, giving her a little smile. “No fun. Promise.”
“That’s it,” Carole said, giving him another wide smile. “Go on up, sweetheart.”
So Kurt did. He found Finn’s room and knocked, then took a small step back, just so he wouldn’t crowd Finn. The last thing he needed was to be all up in Finn’s space again…
“Mom?” Finn said, sounding confused. Kurt heard a few steady footsteps. “Since when do you kn–oh. Oh, uh, hey, Kurt.” Surprise was clear on Finn’s face, and Kurt shifted awkwardly.
“May I come in?” Kurt asked, doing his best to keep his tone neutral and level. He was not going to cry during this conversation. He’d already told himself so. He would not cry.
“Uh, sure,” Finn said. He walked back over to his bed, kicking dirty clothes that once would've made Kurt's palms sweaty out of his way as he went. Kurt, knowing that the bed was a red-hot danger-zone, opted for sitting on the chair at the desk where Finn’s clunky desktop sat.
“I owe you an apology,” Kurt began quietly, acutely aware of the open door - the last thing he needed was for Carole to hate him for what he’d done to her son. “A big apology.”
“An apology? Kurt, I was the one who said–who said that word to you, you don’t need to apolo–”
“Yes, I do,” Kurt insisted, simply. He took a deep breath, steeled himself, and looked at Finn quite firmly. “I’ve…I’ve had a big crush on you. For a while.”
There was a brief moment of silence. Kurt thought he might throw up.
“...Yeah…I kinda figured…”
Kurt blinked. “You did? I mean…I guess I wasn’t subtle, but why didn’t you ever say…?”
Finn shrugged. “Well, I mean…I–I don’t feel the same way, not ‘cause you’re not really cool, just ‘cause, y’know, I–I like girls, and it felt…I dunno, I thought it might be kinda…mean…to call you out when I didn’t…”
“Oh,” Kurt said softly. Had he been that obvious that even Finn noticed? How was he ever going to have a crush that didn’t completely ruin his life?
“Plus, Rachel woulda killed me. Or you. Or both of us. I think I’m kinda dating her,” Finn said with a laugh. Kurt chuckled too, resisting the now-kneejerk reaction to use that opening to drive a wedge between Finn and the girl in question. He was going to have to be really careful about that sort of thing, it had gotten way too habitual…
“Well, still,” Kurt said. “I–I’ve been objectifying you and trying to trick you into doing stuff you didn’t want to do–stuff I knew you didn’t want to do, too. I–I knew you wouldn’t like the room design, but I guess I just thought maybe you’d grow to like it, and…and grow to like…like me, too, but that was…that was really dumb. And weird. And…and I’m sorry. For making you uncomfortable. I–I won’t do it anymore, I promise, and if I do do something, just…just tell me, okay? And I’ll stop, right away. I swear.”
Finn was looking at Kurt with kind of a weird expression. It was almost amusement, almost affection, and it definitely made Kurt squirm a little.
“It’s all good, man,” Finn finally said, easy as anything. Kurt’s shoulders unclenched, just a little. “I mean, yeah, sometimes it was…um…a little over the top, I guess, but…I mean, it’s not like you tried to pinch my butt or anything, right? Or see me naked?” Finn paused. “...Right? Wait, is that what 'objectificating' means?”
Kurt blushed all the way from the top of his head down to the tip of his toes. “No!”
“And you don’t have like a weird sex shrine to me, right?”
“A weird what–”
“I mean, I’d totally get it if you did, ‘cause like, I am the football captain and the leader of Glee Club–”
Kurt threw a shirt at him and they both laughed.
“Hey!” Carole said from downstairs. “That sounds like having fun to me!”
“Sorry!” they both called back in unison, matching smiles on their faces. For the first time in days, Kurt felt like he could breathe - and, maybe more importantly, he felt like there was a chance…a small chance, maybe, that he and Finn could be friends, real friends, someday.
And for once, that thought didn’t depress him, or leave him longing for something more, because being ‘just’ friends with Finn Hudson, the coolest guy in school…? Finn Hudson, who had forgiven him like it didn't even matter when they both knew it did?
After everything Kurt had done, and everything they’d been through?
It was more than he deserved. It was more than enough.
It was everything.