Chapter Text
The lights turn on, flashing towards them and people with identity cards hanging from their necks, clipboards on their hands scramble off on their works. The white minimal wall of the studio makes the room ten times brighter and the mood a ten times lighter.
There are cameras in front of where they sat. Apart from each other. A safe distance. Not sparing a glance. Soobin and his ex-wife, Kang Mi Ri.
How they ended up here, that is something they don’t know. One day, Mi Ri suggested they go on the show and Soobin agreed to it. Despite all the chaos that will probably follow.
‘It’s a good opportunity, Soobin.’ Mi Ri has said.
His hair stylist fixes his hair for the last time, spraying some water on his bangs to keep it in place. She gives him a worried look but Soobin only smiles at her in reassurance. As someone who has stayed with him since his early debut years, he thinks the concern is understandable.
“Can we start now, Soobin-shi, Mi Ri-shi?” The director asks, setting aside the scripts he was previously reading.
Soobin smoothes out his pants, checks if his shoes are shining and with a hammering heart gives a small nod. He doesn’t look but he guesses his ex wife did the same because the director has already signalled the cameras to start rolling.
There isn’t a particular host in the show. The director will throw questions at them from behind cameras and they will answer. More of like a documentary.
“On the 56th episode of We Got Divorced season 3, we have former idol and actor, Choi Soobin and one of South Korea’s remarkable lawyers, Kang Mi ri. Please say Hi to our viewers.”
“Hello,” Mi Ri starts, her voice so composed and calm as always, “My name is Kang Mi Ri. I’m so glad to be here as a part of this show.”
Soobin exhales a deep breath in preparation for his turn and looks at the camera with a purpose, “Hello, everyone. I’m Choi Soobin. I hope you enjoy our show.”
The show is not live. But it has to be shot in two parts with only a small break in between. If you ask Soobin, he’s very nervous. Not because of the answers he might end up giving but also because of the cameras and attention he has been receiving. Shooting for dramas is so different from this, there are no retakes.
“Soobin-shi, Mi Ri-shi, as something we always ask our guests on the show first of all, may we know why your marriage fell apart in just a span of two years? And why have you suddenly agreed to guest on our show three years after your divorce?”
They look at each other and Mi Ri gives him an encouraging smile. Their divorce didn’t end on a bitter note, and to some people, with how they talk to each other and act around each other, they might think they’re in love, happily married.
But sadly, everything we see on the outside is far from the truth.
Soobin cracks a small yet sad smile, and casually says, “I couldn’t get over my first love.”
And the whole production crew seem to be taken aback by his answer. Because the whole world knew that Choi Soobin, the leader of Tomorrow x Together, commonly known as TXT, also a prominent actor, was too busy to have a dating life before having an arranged marriage to a lawyer, a daughter of the assemblyman of South Korea.
“F-first love?” The director questions, genuine curiosity in his voice.
He looks around, first at his manager who stands by the still camera man, then to his makeup staff and stylists who are hovered together near the door of the wide studio, and lastly at the woman beside him. Good to know that all of them give him supporting gazes.
He breathes in and out, his palms resting firmly on his knee caps. He has practised this very moment several times in the shower and it has come off so easily. Yet, he feels trickles of sweat running down his neck and his heart is beating miles per minute, almost threatening to combust when it’s the real thing.
But this is a rare chance. It’s a matter of now or never.
“My bandmate, my fellow member,” he starts, steeling his shaking voice, “my best friend, Choi Beomgyu.”
"My first love"
It’s funny how the room goes into complete silence just as he said that. The director’s eyes widen so much, as if they are two cereal bowls. The air is stiff and awkward. Soobin can see the two scriptwriters looking at each other with unspoken words of their own. Probably discussing the possibility of what he said being aired.
He has seen all of these since long ago, when he told his parents, when he told the managers. The members and Mi Ri are the only ones who didn’t react as if what he said was something bizarre, something that should never come out of his mouth.
He half-expects the director to cut the cameras, pack up everything and tell him they cannot continue filming because not only for Soobin, it is super risky for the channel as well. But he also hopes that the people there are open minded and would give him a chance.
“U-um..” The director coughs and splutters, scratching the back of his head in deep thoughts. The assistant director taps his shoulder and the two engage in whispers, followed by successive nods from both sides.
“So, Soobin-shi,” He glances over to where Mi Ri sat, “if Mi Ri-shi is okay, can you please elaborate about what you said?”
Soobin sighs in relief and so does Kang Mi Ri. She’s a good person. Soobin wouldn’t be here saying what he thought he would never say to the world. He’s glad it was her that he married, even though no feelings were attached. Smart and wise.
“Well…”
*
Well, it all started when he heard a new trainee would be joining them. Trainee life was so hard and if he were to be honest, he didn’t like the idea of another trainee coming. Because an additional person meant more competition.
“I heard he’s from Daegu,” Yeonjun told him at lunch one day. They had a thirty minutes break and they rushed to the ramen place near the company. It had become their go to place since the prices were affordable and it didn’t take long to get the food ready.
“Backgrounds?” Taehyun inquired, stuffing a piece of spam into his mouth.
This was a routine whenever they heard a new trainee was coming. Knowing your opponent well was their principle.
“Guitars,” Yeonjun answered after his last slurp of the ramen soup, “used to be in a school band, sings a little, no history of dancing.”
Three of them nodded in acknowledgement. They were not belittling the trainee which they still haven’t seen, they know better than to do that. Most of them were like that in the first place before they received training.
“Seriously hyung, how do you find all this information?” Huening Kai chipped in from behind where he sat alone with a table full of egg tarts. The kid’s love for egg tarts made him occupy a whole table for himself.
There were other trainees in the place as well. But like them, they were grouped into circles of their own, having conversations of their own as well.
“I have my sources,” Yeonjun said with a grinny smile, weird eyebrow movements and Taehyun’s face contorted in disgust.
“Let’s head back. The dean will scold us if we’re late.” Soobin finally spoke, “ Again. ” He directed the last one to Yeonjun who had just started his second bowl of ramen. The oldest looked at him with deflated eyes, but he couldn’t help it. It’s not his fault that the break was so short.
Eventually, they got a glimpse of the new trainee. He was sitting by the corner of the practice room alone, scrolling through his phone. Their first impression of the new boy was extreme. Yeonjun said he looked like a circle.
“Not bad,” Taehyun’s words.
“I think I’ll like this hyung.” Huening Kai said.
Soobin? He thought the boy looked shy and quiet. Giving shy smiles to people who talked to him, looking down bashfully. Endearing almost.
He realised how wrong he was the next day.
The new boy, Choi Beomgyu was chattering everyone’s ear off. He had a lot of stories to tell and stories to know. Surprisingly, everyone flocked to him, enjoying his company. Even Yeonjun went over and told him he was so noisy, only to be held over and have the laugh of his life as he listened to the boy talk.
Soobin observed them from afar, on the floor, leaning against the wall of the practice room when Taehyun plopped down on his side.
“The practice room is a lot livelier with him, isn’t it?”
Soobin mindlessly nodded. He really thought it would remain lively forever. But he was once again proven wrong.
When the final lineup of the group was given, five of them were trained specially for the new group. They were also made to live in the same dorm, a one room studio to be specific. Three bunk beds to accommodate all of them. Bonding experience they said.
They were still kids, they knew nothing than to believe whatever front they put up in front of others. The vocal lessons were harsh, the dance lessons were burning them alive and the monthly evaluations were tough as hell. They had no time to look out for each other.
So, when Soobin found his upper bunk empty in the middle of the night, he thought the owner had gone over to the bathroom or something. But he heard sniffles and soft talkings as he passed the said bathroom on his way to get some water.
He didn’t intend to eavesdrop, but he couldn't help overhearing it when the walls were so thin.
“It’s so hard, Mom.”
He heard the stiffles and soft whines, and he had to stop in his tracks to make sure it’s who he thought it was.
“My feet hurt, and my throat is sore everyday. I want to come home, Mom.”
Soobin didn’t stay there for too long. He thought it would be invading privacy and the topic was becoming sensitive. He was curious but he knew when to stop.
The next day he saw Beomgyu being his usual goofy self, laughing and joking around as if he never cried. Everyone was fooled and Soobin would have been too.
If he tried to be closer to Beomgyu since then, and if Beomgyu did notice the sudden friendliness from Soobin, neither of them said anything. They let it happen naturally.
And if they became a bit more fond of each other in such a short span of time, it wasn’t their fault. That’s what they told themselves.
*
By the time they debuted, Beomgyu was Soobin’s self acclaimed best-friend. Soobin didn’t refute, and he didn’t know if that meant accepting Beomgyu’s claim. Soon, they were known as the ‘best-friends’ of the group.
Soobin had to admit, he got close the fastest with Beomgyu. There was something that made him so comfortable to hang around with, share all his thoughts and confide in each other. It was the same for Beomgyu as well, he could tell.
Maybe it was their same taste in music, or how both of them like to have deep heart-to-heart talks, or how both of them are gamers. Or just the fact that it was Beomgyu on the other end.
Although it was annoying to have Beomgyu as a roommate with his loud ass screams during matches, he’d not have chosen any other as his roommate. Okay, it was not him who made the arrangement. But at least, it was safe to say that he was more than happy to be paired with Beomgyu.
Sometimes, he would get locked out of his room when he came home late. And he would have to squeeze himself into the maknaes’ room. He was annoyed and he let everyone know about it, from all the staff to Beomgyu to the fans to their respective families.
But the truth was, he had a perfect chance to get in if he knocked hard or if he gave a call on Beomgyu’s phone, the younger was a light sleeper. He decided not to. He knew how Beomgyu always goes hard on himself, pushing himself to the limit to get that one move right. He wanted him to have that rest.
In baby words, he brought it upon himself. And he was proud of himself for doing that.
Beomgyu had always joked about taking Soobin’s bed. Then, he went onto climbing into it with the excuse of warming up his bed for him.
‘A cold bed is always uncomfortable, hyung.’
He even did that as a birthday present for him. On days when he returned home tired and exhausted only to find a human curled up on his bed, wrapped in his covers, there were many times he wanted to kick him out.
But he never did.
Because Beomgyu would blink at him prettily, obviously at the brink of sleep and Soobin would just give in.
‘Join me,’ he would say with a lazy smile.
And they would end up in Soobin’s bed, legs tangled, breath fanning against each other and the upper bed empty. If they woke up too close than what was normal, and stayed a tad longer staring into each other’s eyes, they didn’t talk about it.
This was one such morning where they’d walk out of their room with small, hidden smiles on their faces. At least, they thought it was hidden. Taehyun just gave them one look and proceeded to shake his head in annoyance. Thankfully Kai and Yeonjun were too busy to notice them.
“Did everyone sleep well?” Taehyun asked once they were in the car and Soobin could see where this was going. Couldn’t this kid leave him alone for a day?
“I guess?” Yeonjun chipped in from his seat and Kai too, nodded although somewhat confused.
“What about you, Beomgyu hyung?” Taehyun continued. Why were they having this conversation in the first place?
“Me?” Beomgyu widened his eyes and pointed to himself in disbelief that the members were openly caring for each other now, “Pretty well. I used to have some trouble sleeping before but Soobin hyung helped me.”
Soobin’s hands reached out to squeeze Beomgyu’s arms to stop him but the words were already out and the other three humans turned their heads to them at the exact same time. How comical.
Hence, Soobin had to groan in his hands as he rubbed his face all over aggressively, not desiring to see the smirk on Taehyun’s face. The younger was too smart for his own good.
“How exactly did Soobinnie help you?” Yeonjun questioned, sipping on his ice americano through the narrow straw.
“Yeonjun hyu-” Soobin tried.
“Shh,” the older shut him up, “I’m talking to Beomie right now, Soobs.”
Beomgyu, being the brainless human he was, did not get why they were suddenly focussed on him. Even Kai who was always glued to his phone, playing cookie run.
“Why? Is there anything wrong?” He asked, eyes flitting from Soobin to Yeonjun, then from Taehyun to Kai.
“Just…” Taehyun pretended to shrug it off, but everyone knew he would never, “I was not sleeping well lately. If it’s effective, I can ask Soobin hyung to help me as well.”
Soobin was about to intervene for the ninth time, but soon closed his mouth when he saw the glint of endless teasing in Taehyun’s tone. It was better to remain quiet at times like this, because if he’s unlucky, he could make it so much worse.
“Nothing much. I just slept with him.”
Yeonjun smiled like that mean damned cheshire cat. And anything that could leave his mouth might not be a good one.
“Did you know sleeping with Soobin would help you sleep well?” He threw the question at Beomgyu as if he were some high rank detective.
Beomgyu seemed to ponder on it for a while, tilting his head and squinting his eyes and Soobin was equally as interested as the three hyenas waiting to devour them. For different reasons, obviously.
The younger had never told him why he wanted to sleep in his bed, or more so with him. And he had never asked him too. It had just fallen in place somehow, hands intertwined and snuggled up to each other’s side.
The leader wondered if that was really the case. The insomnia. If it was, he couldn’t guarantee that he wouldn’t be disheartened at all.
“I don’t know,” Beomgyu answered casually, totally clueless of what was cooking in the other’s minds, “Maybe I don’t sleep well when it’s cold? And Soobin hyung is warm.”
Huening Kai snorted at that, “Warm, my foot.” And Soobin had to swat at his arm for such use of language when he was the baby of the group.
“If you say so,” Taehyun chimed, exhaling a long, heavy breath and a side eye to Soobin, “if that’s what helps you sleep at night.”
There was a double meaning to that sentence. Although Beomgyu had most likely forgotten it and proceeded on with his day, Soobin didn’t. He actually thought about it. Since when did it happen? It was so natural between the two of them that there wasn’t a sudden drastic change to mark the beginning of everything.The sleeping together and the cuddling as Taehyun said when they met alone in the studio that afternoon.
‘Learn to lock your door, hyung. I almost barfed when I saw you two cuddled up this morning when I came to wake you up.’
It was a common occurrence to sleep together in the same bed when they were trainees. Heck, all five of them slept in a double bed once, squeezed together. The need of emotional support and stability as well as the lack of proper space compelled them to resort to that.
But now, they really didn’t have an excuse. There was a perfectly comfortable bed above Soobin’s and even a couch. They were together just because they wanted to. Nothing else. Soobin knew this. Though he highly doubted Beomgyu did.
If Taehyun was the smartest, Yeonjun was the sassiest and Kai was the cutest in the group, Beomgyu was the most naive.
He asked Beomgyu that night. They were in his bed. Again. Not sleeping though. Beomgyu was on his phone, tapping harshly and letting out occasional hisses, probably playing games. Meanwhile, Soobin had a laptop and his fingers worked deftly across the keyboard, finishing the lyrics he had in mind for their upcoming album.
“Hey.”
“Hmm?” The younger simply answered, eyes still glued to his phone.
Soobin scratched the back of his head hoping it would disguise the fact that the topic would affect him.
“Wh…what you said earlier?”
“Hyung,” Beomgyu put down his phone, groaning, “I said a lot of things earlier. How am I supposed to know if you do not specify?”
“You k-know…that it helps you to sleep better when you’re with me.” If he lifted his bangs, Soobin swore there would be nervous sweats gathered there. He ended it with a not-so willing chuckle.
“It definitely does,” Beomgyu replied casually, “Why? Does it bother you?”
“No!” Soobin yelled, surprising both of them, “I-I’m just glad that I’m helping you in some way. That’s all.”
Beomgyu didn’t question further. Instead, plugged his phone to the charger near the bed before placing it on the bed table and scurried under the covers. Soobin’s covers.
“Well, you can help me today too. Come here,” he extended his hand towards Soobin and the older took it without any contemplation.
If Beomgyu slept well with Soobin by his side, Soobin felt at peace whenever he was with Beomgyu.
*
Being an idol was hard. There were numerous things to do and not to do, so many regulations and so many restrictions. Soobin had heard from his friends in other groups that if some members were rebellious, it took a toll on the group.
Luckily, for them it wasn’t that worse. Sure, they had arguments here and there. But they never let it age a day. Quick to apologise and resolve.
As a leader, it was safe to say that Soobin wasn’t as stressed as the leaders of other groups. However, it wasn’t that he was completely relaxed. The leader of a group of young people who have their own opinions was never quiet.
The hardest thing was no one understood the burdens of a leader. They might nod and listen to him but he knew they didn’t get him like he wanted them to. He resorted to taking that as a closure.
Beomgyu.
Beomgyu was different.
“Shoot away,” The younger told him when he entered their shared room, the said man flopped down on his bed with one hand supporting his head like he was about to watch some interesting movie.
“Shoot what?” He asked, dropping his bag on the chair nearby and removing his beanie and mask.
“Anything.”
Soobin sighed, “Not today, Beoms. I’m tired.”
The younger sat straight on the bed, legs crossed and head almost hitting the bottom of the upper bed. He looked betrayed, displaying his infamous pout and dejected glare. One look at him and Soobin was already joining him, absentmindedly taking both Beomgyu’s hands in one of his and staring down at them. His hands were so small, totally engulfed in just one of his. It was cute.
What was even cuter was the way Beomgyu blinked repeatedly in confusion when he looked up, pout still persisting as if doing that would make him know what was in the leader’s mind. Soobin let out an airy laugh, the first one that day and he couldn’t believe how easy it was for Beomgyu to make him smile just by existing.
“Is it hard?” Beomgyu asked after a while, his voice so meek and soft like it was meant for only Soobin to hear and no one else, “Being the leader?”
Soobin chuckled, “It’s not like that, Beomgyu.”
“Soobin, look at me," the younger called for his attention, “Remember when we were given a week each to be a leader so that we could see who fitted most to be the group’s leader? And remember how I took the test despite having been given freedom to choose whether we do it or not?”
Soobin nodded. He remembered. All of them except Kai took turns being the leader for a week. They were still new to everything and it was hell that four months.
“Well, I did it so that I can understand whoever became the leader. I wanted to try being in a leader’s shoes so that I can understand and be there for the leader when he needs someone. Not because I wanted to lead the team. Do you get what I’m saying?”
The older only pulled him closer and wrapped his arms around his room mate instead of giving an answer. He rested his chin on Beomgyu’s shoulder while his hands firmly laid on Beomgyu’s back. He smelt like their shared shower gel, yet he loved it more when he smelt it on Beomgyu than on himself.
“So what I’m saying is,” Beomgyu resumed, “before you’re a leader, you’re one of us, my bestfriend and my roommate. And l want you to know that you come first than your leader duty.”
The younger was patting his back in a comforting rhythm the whole time as he said. And Soobin felt all his worries seeping away from his body. Such was the effect Beomgyu had on him. He wanted to cry. But he didn’t. It’d be really embarrassing if he did and Beomgyu would tease him to death.
They fell asleep after a round of games, bidding goodnight to each other and smiles on their faces, feeling like the luckiest person available for having a considerate roommate.
*
They didn’t really think that they’d be roommates forever. It was childish for one. And two, they were not seven anymore. When they were informed that they were moving to a new dorm with four bedrooms, a kitchen, a living room and two bathrooms, Soobin was delighted.
Ever since he had become a trainee, he had always roomed with at least one person. It wasn’t his fault that he was on cloud nine to have his own room. He had already planned long ago what he would do once he got one.
But for some reason, Beomgyu had found it so hurtful. He mopped around for weeks that all of their managers and members knew his dilemma. At one point, Yeonjun told him to just agree to Beomgyu’s plea because the younger looked so heartbroken.
And Beomgyu was also super dramatic. He even went on to exposing it to the world through variety shows and vlives making Soobin the villain of their little story.
“I can’t believe you refuse to room with me.” The younger exclaimed dramatically for the hundredth time that day.
They were packing their respective things in their room. Soobin folded all his monochrome t shirts into a blue plastic box specifically rented for the move. There were clothes and papers scattered all over the floor and Beomgyu laid in the middle of it delivering his speech of betrayal all the while staring up at the ceiling.
“They said the room is small, Beomgyu. We couldn’t room together even if I wanted to.” He answered.
Beomgyu threw him a shirt which, thanks to his good aim, landed right where he wanted it to. Soobin’s face.
“I know that, you dumbo.” He snarled, “It’s the thought that counts. If you had acted a little bit remorseful about not sharing a room with me for the first time in years, I would have been a little understanding. It’s not even that. You just straight up claimed the new room to be yours only. Does our friendship mean that little to you? Look at Kai and Taehyun!”
“Cut it out, Beomgyu,” Soobin fought back with a throw of his washed sock, “It won’t be that bad. Besides, our rooms are practically next to each other’s and you’d have more space to yourself. Isn’t that great?”
Beomgyu looked at him in disbelief, a glint of actual hurt flashing across his face before standing up, stomping on his clothes and slamming the door shut shouting an ‘I hate you, Choi Soobin’ for the entire neighbourhood to hear.
Soobin was right when he said Beomgyu would definitely love a room of his own. Once they settled down in the new dorm and their belongings are in their rightful places, Soobin saw Beomgyu absolutely loving his room.
The younger had decorated it to his liking, soft and warm aesthetics, the neatest out of all the others. Mood Lights, scented candles, polaroid pictures, his guitar, and his plushy, Sokuri occupying the grand seat of his bed. Nope. Soobin wasn’t jealous at all.
He had also started staying holed up in his own room doing whatever. Soobin could hear laughs during the dead of the night, one too cheerful and happy that it was contagious. But he couldn’t help the ugly feeling inside his chest that was starting to bubble up. Because he once was the cause of such laughter late at night when they shared silly stories and aimless conversations.
“How’s your new room?” Soobin asked him over breakfast. He was having cereal while the younger feasted on his pancake that Taehyun made.
“Nice.” The reply came, muffled with the pancake in his mouth, “Already missing me?”
Soobin snorted, looking away, with an incredulous smile on his face, “you wish.”
“Good then. I don’t miss you at all too.” Beomgyu supplied, sticking out his tongue like some five year old.
Taehyun, who was washing his breakfast plate in the sink, could only shake his head and mutter on his own.
“Stress.”
One humid summer night, Soobin was really having trouble sleeping. He tossed around in his bed, changing the sides of the pillow to the colder one. He tried kicking his feet, recollecting everything he had done that month in hopes of tiring his brain and eventually falling asleep.
Then he pressed his ear to the wall, concentrating his soul on it and checking if he heard any sound from the next room. It was insanely quiet and Soobin sighed heavily. He was really lonely at the moment. If he were still roommates with Beomgyu, they would have been chatting away the night.
But there was no bed above him or the soft snores from a certain round headed human. He was alone with only his phone to accompany him. He had gone through every app in it and the only one left was the calling app.
He did go into the app and hovered around the first contact, which was also under the category of ‘frequently contacted’. His finger itched and he had almost pressed it three times by now. It was his brain that put the brakes on.
‘What if he’s sleeping and you disturb him?’ He scolded himself.
Just then, his phone buzzed and he practically threw the phone away. He stared at it in horror for a few seconds, trying to calm his heart down. Somehow, he collected himself and managed to pick it up before the last ring.
The line remained silent on both sides, neither of them saying anything. The steady breathing was all that resonated. Yet, just the thought of being connected to the other person made everything better.
“Hyung,” Beomgyu whispered.
“Can’t sleep?” Soobin whispered back.
“Hmm. You?”
“Me too.”
They fell into a comfortable silence after that, occasionally making small talks. They kept the phone on speaker next to their heads and talked as if the wall separating them wasn’t there. If they happened to laugh a little loud when Beomgyu did something silly, Taehyun sent them a ‘be quiet, it’s 3 in the morning’ in the groupchat and they would laugh harder.
They slept at early dawn, their calls still connected. Pretending they were next to each other.
The calls continued. Every night, they would talk to each other. It expanded to day calls as well. During lives, studio practice and unit lessons, they would call up each other whenever they got a chance.
The other members gave them judging side eyes and had even voiced out their judgement.
“You guys see each other everyday, not apart for even 10 minutes and you still call each other? Can’t relate.” Yeonjun stated with disgust in his eyes.
Kai, on the other hand, asked if they were doing so that they could use up all the phone bills that they have already paid for.
Taehyun, being the blunt one, straight up scolded them, “If you’re going to talk to someone in the radius of 5 metre from you, then you go to them and talk. Not lounge around the couch and laugh your ass off as if you’re not talking to the person in the room across the living room.”
“Come on, Taehyunnie,” Beomgyu whined in retaliation, “My bed is small and so is Soobin hyung’s. It’s impossible to lie down together.”
“Oh my gosh, you two…” Taehyun grunted in frustration, nearly tearing his hair off, “you don’t have to lie down to TALK! You can sit and talk, okay? There’s a thing called sitting.”
Despite Taehyun’s predicament, the calls didn’t stop. It had become a part of their lives. There was no stopping until they became roommates again.
*
Beomgyu was a perfectionist. It was a well known fact among everyone who worked around him. He was obsessed with the idea of being perfect.
Or in other words, giving his best. To some, this might seem to be a good thing. It really was.But sometimes, Beomgyu went extra hard on himself that the consequences hurt him even more than his failure to achieve what he wanted to.
“Beomgyu-ah, we’re leaving.” Yeonjun announced, slinging his bag over his shoulder. They were done with dance practice for the day and it was pretty late as well.
“Okay,” Beomgyu answered without even looking up from where he was tying his shoelaces, “I’ll be home after I get this move right.”
Huening Kai looked at Taehyun in concern but the way Taehyun shook his head meant that they wouldn’t succeed even if they tried to convince the middle member. After all, this wasn’t the first time and they knew better.
They might be a close knitted group, but they knew well to give each other spaces. Soobin had walked up to the crouching boy, ruffled his hair and whispered a ‘don’t be too late, hm?’
He was, in fact, very late. It was already four in the morning when he opened the door to their dorm. The shuffling sound of feet taking off the shoes woke Soobin up from the nap he took on their couch.
“Beomgyu?” He mumbled, half-asleep as he rubbed his eyes, “Is that you?”
The boy seemed surprised to find Soobin in the living room at such an hour. He should be in his bed taking a good night's rest so that he didn’t have the dark circles he dreaded so much.
“Hyung, what are you doing here?”
‘Waiting for you, you dummy,’ he didn’t say.
“Ah I just had some work to complete,” he said, “you look tired, go get some sleep.”
Beomgyu indeed looked very tired. His hair stuck out in various directions and he appeared paler than usual, except for the flush on his neck. He was overworking himself. Again.
“Good night, hyung.”
With that, he had gone into his room leaving Soobin to stare at his retreating back until the door closed shut.
The next morning, he didn’t bother to go into the younger’s room to wake him up in hopes of letting him have a little more sleep. A few hours of sleep was better than no sleep at all.
He left for the company with the youngest members in one car after telling Yeonjun who was also still asleep to come with Beomgyu. Now that they moved in two cars, there were no more rushing and shouts to hurry up since the early birds can take one and the late risers come by another.
However, Yeonjun walked in alone in the dance practice room. They were about to start their morning lessons which mostly consisted of language lessons and group practices.
“Where’s Beomgyu hyung?” Kai asked almost immediately.
Yeonjun dropped his bag and took out his essentials, “He’s sick. Couldn’t even wake up. I have already called the managers.”
“Sick from what?” Soobin supplied, alarm in his voice.
“Well, the manager said he walked home yesterday alone in the cold night air and apparently he also had his window open.” The eldest explained.
“Will he be okay?” Taehyun spoke.
“He said he’d call if he doesn’t feel okay. And the managers will check in on him from time to time.”
It was not that ensuring but they had to take that and continue with their day. It felt weird to practice with only four members. It was extremely empty.
And Soobin’s day was empty as well. The entire lesson was unusually quiet and boring with no Beomgyu to annoy everyone and cackle with his boisterous laughter. Everything seemed gloomy.
He tried calling Beomgyu up but was met only with a mechanical voice.
‘Don’t worry, Soobin. He might be asleep, taking a rest. ’ He told himself.
But when his call wasn’t picked up for the ninth time, he snapped. He didn’t care about anything. The only thing he knew was to be with Beomgyu. It was five pm, four more hours till they got off work and they still had vocal lessons.
It wasn’t like him to leave work abruptly but he begged the managers and even pulled his leader card. The other members seemed to agree with him and they also helped him spur on with their request.
Thanks to Taehyun’s exceptional reasoning ability, he was allowed to go home. However, the other members had to stay back.
‘Check in on our Beomgyu well,’ they told him before he left.
So, he did just that. As soon as he stepped in, he went to Beomgyu’s room. There, he found the boy covered up in his blanket, beads of sweat on his forehead and hair clumped together from how hard he was sweating.
As he neared, he could hear little shivers and Soobin’s heart sank to the pit of his stomach. Why would this idiot choose to suffer alone? Couldn’t he have at least shot him a text? Why was he so stubborn?
His anger was valid. However, there was a little bit of guilt woven into all of it. If he had checked in on the younger earlier, he could have come up with an excuse of being sick as well and stayed back to look after Beomgyu. Would that have relieved some of the pain Beomgyu was in now?
When Beomgyu woke up, it was to the gentle pats on his head. The room was dark, the sole lighting being from the bedside lamp. There was a looming figure beside his bed, sitting on a chair with one hand on his head and the other holding onto a lit phone which he scrolled continuously.
Just the presence brought a smile to his face. He didn’t feel that cold anymore and his breath was even now. The pounding in his head earlier seemed to have left and he could faintly smell Soobin’s expensive cologne although his nose was partly blocked.
“Hyung.”
Soobin unconsciously hummed back in reply before registering what he had heard and snapping his head to look at him. The hand on his head stilled and withdrew making Beomgyu whine despite his enjoyment in seeing the funny expression on Soobin. After all, he particularly loved head pats a lot. Heck, he even pretended to be asleep to receive pats from his parents.
But before he could sit up properly or anything, he received a flick on his forehead and he yelped in pain. Soobin turned on the lights and he glared at the older as he rubbed his poor forehead that straight up encountered abuse as soon as he woke up.
“What was that for? It hurts.” He yelled with a fake cry.
“For being so stupid.” Soobin answered, returning to where he sat earlier.
“Who told you to take a sentimental walk in the middle of the night? Didn’t you know it’s already autumn and the nights are getting colder? And what’s with the open windows? You have an AC here.”
Beomgyu didn’t dare to make a sound. He knew this was coming the moment a headache visited him. Soobin always nagged. Even more than his mom used to. He put on his most sympathy earning puppy eyes to look up at the older. However, Soobin snorted at him rather than pitying him.
“That won’t work, Choi Beomgyu.” He scolded, “If you were not feeling well, you could have told me. Is it right to hide things from the leader?”
Okay. It was very rare for Soobin to mention himself as the leader in circumstances like this. Never to Beomgyu. And it certainly took the younger by surprise. His droopy eyes widened and his slumped shoulders tensed like some child caught eating sweets after brushing his teeth for the night.
The leader definitely noticed the change in demeanour and he calmed himself down by regulating his ragged breaths. He was older even if it’s a mere three months, he had to be responsible.
“What I’m saying is you made me worried, Beomgyu.” He admitted, “I couldn’t get a hold of you, you didn’t pick up my calls and the last time we talked was when you came back early this morning. You can’t expect me to be all buddy-buddy with you right now.”
“M sorry.” Beomgyu mumbled silently, his sole attention on the fiddling fingers on his lap.
Soobin closed his eyes and sighed aloud, “Are you feeling better now?” And the younger nodded slowly.
“Great,” the leader announced, “I ordered some porridge. It’ll be here soon.”
“But I want chicken!” Beomgyu complained immediately with a whine.
He received another flick on his forehead and was forced to lie down till the food arrived. His forehead burnt with the pain but his heart was all warm at the thought of Soobin caring for him to the point of lecturing him out of worry. That night, the windows were closed and he went to sleep with his lips curled upward and his mind filled with a dimpled man.
He slept without any disturbances that night, not waking up even once. But the moment he woke up, he was dragged out of his room, pushed into the bathroom and fed breakfast and out the door.
The sun had risen but it wasn’t that sunny yet. It was Sunday and they had schedules only in the evening. So, he had no idea why Soobin had to make him leave the comfort of his beloved bed and add to his sufferings.
He didn’t even get enough time to get dressed with the older shouting that they’d be late. He only wore a long sleeved t-shirt and sweats, hair unstyled. He should have worn a cap because it was really risky walking out in broad daylight without anything to cover himself. It was because of Choi fucking Soobin. He did just that, cursing and blaming Soobin for everything throughout the elevator ride.
“No one will recognize you Gyu. You’re not as famous as you think you are.” Soobin told him as they walked to the subway station, “Besides the mask covers half your face.”
The younger slapped him for the comment and Soobin yelled back earning themselves a few onlookers. But luckily, they didn’t seem to recognise them.
“Where are you taking me, Choi Soobin? Is this your way of kidnapping me?” He asked as soon as they stepped out of the subway and navigated their way through the crowd.
Beomgyu’s hands gripped tightly onto the back of Soobin’s hoodie, trying to keep up with his damn long legs and as a measure not to get swallowed by the swarm of people. To be honest, he was so used to being mobilised by cars of their company, driven by their managers that he had lost all skills of being in the public. If he got lost, that’d be the end for him.
“Come on, we have to hurry.” The older yelled back.
“Hurry for what?”
There was no answer and they continued on speed walking through the bustling streets until they ended on one which was exceptionally scarce compared to the previous ones. If you looked closely, they might be the only ones there.
Eventually, they stood in front of a bakery. Beomgyu bent down with his hands on his knee caps as he panted horribly like a dying whale. Meanwhile, Soobin looked so proud that they made it in time.
The bakery was empty as the streets and there were no customers at all. Why did Soobin have to sprint for a bakery so sparse?
“The bread here is so delicious.” He told him with a gleeful smile yet Beomgyu still glared at him like he couldn’t believe what he had just gone through.
They took some bread from what was displayed along with some sweet drinks, much to Beomgyu’s dismay of his dedication to Americano and occupied a table in the farthest corner.
“So, we’re here to eat bread?” Beomgyu questioned with his arms crossed against his chest. He was woken up from his sleep, made to go through numerous humans, rode a subway for fifteen minutes and had enough exercise for the week to eat bread.
“Try the bread first and talk.” The older nudged him, already on his second bite of the bread, “They make the tastiest bread and they end their business at noon every Sunday. We would have been late if we didn’t run. Now, enjoy your fruit of labour.”
The younger stabbed a fork into his bread and haughtily bit onto it, chewing with aggression directed at the leader. He wouldn’t lie, the bread was pretty good but he wouldn’t let Soobin win and so he continued munching onto all the kinds of bread they had taken and sipped onto his kiwi juice until no drop was left in the glass.
Soobin watched him devour everything with a fondness no one could compare. But he made sure that Beomgyu wouldn’t catch him staring because if he did, there was a high chance that the younger would stop eating out of pride.
“Do you want me to order some more?” He asked, because Beomgyu might be a picky eater but it was very entertaining to see him eat in tiny bits like a chipmunk. Also, the sight of him eating so well once in a while filled him with warmth.
“It’s okay. I’m full,” the boy looked around, bringing the tissue to his mouth to dust the crumbs off, “But why are there no people although the food is good?”
It was true. It was oddly empty for a bakery that made such good bread and drinks. Did it have some bad reputation or was it the lack of promotion? Beomgyu wished he could help him.
“Why could it be?” Soobin wondered aloud, head propped on his hand, “So that people like you and me who know its actual worth travel forty five minutes to eat here?”
That earned a free laughter from the younger boy. That was the first time. Before, he was too busy swearing and sulking to even crack a smile. Although pouty Beomgyu was cute, his laugh was Soobin’s favourite. It was sweeter than any music to his ears. And like a chain reaction, it would bring a smile to his face as well.
“Is that a good thing?” Beomgyu questioned with immense curiosity.
“I suppose so,” the older supplied, “it’s the same as us. People who know our worth will listen to our music and people who don't know us well won’t. But that doesn’t mean we don’t make good music. There’s something good about not caring for people’s validation. We do it because we love it, not to seek their acceptance.”
Now that Beomgyu thought of it, he had been doing the opposite of that. He was so scared of what people might say about him that he constantly monitored all the posts about him online and it wasn’t that nice. That led him to exert himself in hopes of not giving these people anything to talk about.
What he had missed while being so absorbed in his own world was that there were many people who loved him for who he was, who recognised all his efforts and appreciated all his hard work. He almost overlooked what was most important to him for something so trivial.
He wasn’t really good with having deep conversations that involved himself. He might be an excellent therapist for people but he was trash at doing so for himself. And at times when he really needed a friend to confide in, Soobin would always find him.
They took a little stroll in silence by the Han river before heading back for Seoul. The part in Seoul’s was the only busy one, the other parts of Korea where the river passed were just peaceful pieces of land. The autumn wind blew past their hair and Beomgyu let out a little shiver. Don’t blame him, he was sick until a night ago.
“Are you cold?” The older stopped in his tracks and, not waiting for an answer, started taking off his hoodie.
“You’re not going to give that to me like some cheesy guy in a rom com, right?”
That was his poor attempt at joking because as Soobin neared him, his cheeks got hotter and suddenly, he felt grateful for the wind despite it being the cause of all this in the first place.
Soobin was totally unfazed though. He gave him a small smile and wrapped the hoodie around his back, pulling at his arms to get them in. He whined at the process nonetheless complied. Everything about the piece of clothing was very long on him, his fingers barely peeked out and the hoodie dropped down to his mid thigh.
“I’d rather be called cheesy than having to look after a very big sick baby again.” The older defended himself as he zipped up the hoodie and lastly pulled on the hood over the shorter male’s head.
Soobin didn’t move his hands immediately after that, it lingered on his head, gingerly rubbing in small motions. Beomgyu didn’t quite catch the act either, the said man was too busy looking at his own two shuffling feet.
There were dry grasses stuck on his white shoes and he found that so interesting that he momentarily got disconnected from the world. It wasn’t definitely because Soobin was in such close proximity to him.
Or so that was what Beomgyu convinced himself.
It was already afternoon when they reached the company building. And they were greeted with their fuming managers. Soobin handled them somehow. But he gotta say, it was worth the nagging. Who knew he needed just a day off and he would be feeling all better?
Again, he was going to bury the fact that it had nothing to do with where he went, or how long he went out when in fact, it was who he went with.
They resumed their duties, did some outfit trials for a show they were going to attend and vocal training later in the evening. After that, they took turns occupying their studio doing whatever they had to do.
Taehyun, most likely, might have done some toplining while Kai did his best in producing. When he came out after his turn, he expected the other members to be scattered around on the bean bags and expensive ass sofa that Bang PD took so much time in buying which nonetheless, they used it like the couch at their grandma’s.
They were there, but Soobin was missing. Usually, the leader would be face down on the sofa, covered with a jacket or a hoodie and napping his life away. His place was empty and the other three members were occupied on their phones, Kai and Taehyun giggling about something.
“Where’s Soobin hyung?” He asked as he sat down in between Yeonjun and Taehyun, pulling his hoodie closer.
Yeah, right. Hoodie. Soobin’s hoodie. It felt so comfortable being in it, like being wrapped with the warmest hug. He had half a mind to come up with an excuse to not return it. No way would he let something so heavenly seized away from him.
“Soobin?” Yeonjun answered with a question of his own and a raised eyebrow and exclaimed dramatically right after, “Ahh Soobinnie! He got into dating rumours. He’s talking to the officials right now.”
Beomgyu had to do a double take at what he had just heard. Dating? And Soobin? Just how! For all he knew, there was no way Soobin would be dating. And then again, why would a rumour pop out if he didn’t do anything? Rumours don’t start out of nowhere.
Who could it be? That was all Beomgyu thought for the next five minutes. Another idol? He knew Soobin was pretty popular among idols and screw him for becoming a music MC. Those damn admirers of his must have had a feast every Friday seeing his precious best friend in different costumes which said best friend always managed to rock.
It could also be a non celebrity. Unlike Beomgyu who had all his friends back in Daegu, memories buried by years of not seeing each other, Soobin often hung out with his friends from high school every now and then. So that option wasn’t totally out of the window yet.
It was just a rumour, he told himself. No need to be so worked up. True or not, the company would deny it. But why did he feel so sad? Because Soobin didn’t tell him anything although he was his best friend? Or because he had felt so special earlier when Soobin took him out that the mere thought of Soobin acting that way with someone who wasn’t him brought ugly feelings inside of him.
“Don’t be so selfish, Choi Beomgyu.” He told himself but the simultaneous heads that turned to him made him realise that he had said it out aloud.
“Yeah, you should stop being so selfish.” Yeonjun added playfully to which he responded with a big roll of his eyes. If there was a degree for teasing, Yeonjun would have gotten the highest honour based on what he did to Beomgyu on a daily basis.
“Don’t you wanna see the rumours? It’s all over the internet. Even a picture is there.” Taehyun offered uselessly.
To be honest, he was dying to see. Wasn’t that what occupied his mind a few minutes ago? But then, what if it turned out to be someone he knew? Or even worse, what if the rumours were true? Beomgyu’s mind was going hundred miles per second at the thought. He wouldn’t be surprised if there was steam coming out of his ears.
After much debate, he gave in and scooted near Taehyun. The younger boy seemed to understand his intention, he didn’t question any further. And Beomgyu was so thankful for that because he couldn’t guarantee that he could speak without his voice cracking out of nervousness.
“Here you go,” Taehyun shoved the phone to his face and he had to blink once, twice and even rub his eyes with the back of his fingers because there was no way he was seeing things.
“Th…that’s me.” He dumbly announced.
“Exactly.”
Yeonjun cackled next to him while Kai fell from the bean bag with excessive laughing. He turned to Taehyun, asking for an explanation when he found Taehyun stifling his laughter as well.
“Did you guys just pull a prank on me?” He threw a sofa pillow to Yeonjun and picked up another to hurl at Kai with a very red face and downed in humiliation.
“Nooo!” Kai shrieked, “I swear it wasn’t a prank. People couldn’t see it was you, hyung. You have your face all covered up with that mask and that hoodie and you looked so tiny standing beside Soobin hyung that they mistook you for Soobin hyung’s girlfriend.”
The three continued to laugh their asses off like they had just heard the joke of the century while he stood still like a fool in the middle of the room, a pillow fisted tightly in his hand. He had never been this embarrassed in his whole life. The thoughts he had prior and how it turned out, it was killing him inside.
“Laugh it off, hyung,” Taehyun showed him his phone again, zooming in on the blurry picture taken from afar, “You guys look like a couple here.”
Now that he took a proper look at it, they did look like couples. It was a picture of them when they were taking a walk, right when Soobin gave him his hoodie. The angle showed only Soobin smiling so fondly with glitter in his eyes as he rested his hand on his head and gazed oh so sweetly.
He wasn’t visible though. Thanks to Soobin’s back which was as wide as the sea. No wonder he was mistaken for someone else.
“We indeed look like a couple here.”
A voice said from behind, scaring the shit out of Beomgyu who was busy marvelling Soobin’s smile in the picture and he desperately wished it wasn’t just an illusion and that the older did smile at him genuinely like that before. He swung the pillow with a scream and hit what was Soobin’s head repeatedly like he had seen a ghost.
“Beomgyu. Beom…beomgyu ow! Stop! Gyu.” Soobin yelped as he received every blow but eventually put a stop to it as he grabbed the pillow with one hand and the other holding the needlessly panicked human by the arm.
“It’s me. Soobin,” he stated in a rather soft voice compared to the screams he had released, “why are you so jumpy today?”
Then there it was. The same fond gaze, the smile that always made him so weak and that stupid, stupid dimple that popped out 99% of the times he talked to Beomgyu.
And Beomgyu was hyperventilating. The grasp on his arm burnt through the hoodie and his head might blast any second from pressure. His nostrils are flaring like an angry gorilla and his ears are as red as his lips which were nearly drawing blood from his constant biting.
“And why are you as bright as a tomato? Did your fever come back?” Soobin asked, throwing the pillow to the side and bringing his hand to check his forehead.
Beomgyu frantically shook his head in negation, not trusting his voice to not further humiliate him. All he could do was look down to his same shoes, devoid of dried grasses now, and hope that Soobin didn’t do anything weird like patting his head in front of the other members.
Luckily, he didn’t.
“Come on, we have to take a selca to clear up the rumours while we’re still in the same clothes.” The leader pulled him by his arm, practically dragging a soulless Beomgyu to the lounge area where there was good lighting for taking pictures.
“What did I just see?” Kai inched closer to Yeonjun’s ear and faked a gag, “I thought I was watching a bad romance movie.”
The oldest shushed him with a nudge to his stomach, “I shall pretend I didn’t see that. You do too.”
The picture was posted ten minutes later after spending seven minutes of it bickering which one they should post. Beomgyu won. Or in other words, Soobin let Beomgyu won because it physically hurt his heart to see Beomgyu sulk.
With Beomgyu <teddy bear emoji> after a long time.
*
Soobin had done a lot of acting in their music videos and other contents. But this was his first ever project filming without his members. He had rejected the offer when it was proposed to him at first but the producers and writers convinced him that it’d serve as an experience. A high teen romance drama. Something Beomgyu absolutely loved.
They were currently on their couch, a blanket draped over their legs as they sat at each end of the couch. It was pretty late and everyone had gone to bed. All of them watched the first episode together and made fun of him to hell and back for his acting skills. But as the episodes went on, they withdrew.
Except for Beomgyu. He stayed up every weekend to catch the drama in real air time even if it meant watching alone. Soobin wasn’t a fan of watching himself like this other than monitoring but today, he had decided to keep Beomgyu company.
Plugging in his airpods and scrolling through his phone to keep himself busy, he sat facing Beomgyu, occasionally glancing up to gauge Beomgyu's reactions and of course, to save himself from cringing. Beomgyu was much more interesting to him than his high budget drama that was being played on the TV.
The younger was munching on a packet of gummies, intently watching the 8th episode of the show. Finally the episode ended with the Soobin in the drama leaning in to close the distance between him and the female lead and then the screen froze followed by various sponsors and advertisements. What a cliffhanger.
“What happens after that? Did the girl find out about what you’re hiding?” Beomgyu asked nonchalantly and Soobin took out his earpod to listen to him better.
“Find out for yourself next weekend.” he brushed him off.
“Ohh come on, Soobinnn,” he whined, flapping his arms on the couch, “what’s the use of having a bestfriend act? You don’t even tell me anything.”
“That’s how it’s supposed to go, Gyu,” he tried to reason, “you won’t enjoy it if I tell you. And by the looks of it, you don’t seem to be enjoying it. You’re watching it to find anything to make fun of, aren’t you?”
Beomgyu turned away from him at the accusation, resuming on his gummies confirming Soobin’s suspicion. This guy hadn’t changed a bit.
“But then,” the younger resumed again, and Soobin sighed, “did you two kiss there? At the end.”
Soobin halted his scrolling. He thought for a while before answering, gulping down the unknown emotions at his throat. This was a matter he didn’t want Beomgyu to misunderstand for some reason. Even if it was just a kiss on camera.
“No.”
There was a heavy breath released at the other end and it would have been inaudible if it wasn’t for the eerily quiet silence that engulfed them. And poor Soobin didn’t know what to do with the knowledge. That Beomgyu was relieved to hear that they didn’t. Or was it going to be another one of his imaginings?
“Well…” Beomgyu talked, breaking the silence, “do you two ever k…kiss anywhere? I…in the drama?”
Soobin swore he saw Beomgyu’s hand trembling as he took another gummy to his mouth after he asked that. But soon dismissed it not to get too ahead of himself. It was never good to be too delusional.
“Not yet,” he answered with cheeks hot and eyes downcast, “but we will. In the final episode.”
“When are you filming the final episode?” the question came immediately.
“Sometime next week.”
He couldn’t wait to end the project. He had made a mental note to himself to choose only actions and mystery dramas in the future if he ever got an opportunity again. He sucked at acting all lovey-dovey. He hated acting as if he was in love with someone he wasn’t. He hated to be seen being in love with someone else by Beomgyu.
Someone who wasn’t Beomgyu. Whatever the reason was.
There was silence again. A long stretch this time. The chattering from the news being played on the TV resonated in the room. The occasional crunching sound of the gummy packets was louder than Beomgyu’s voice was in their recent filming of a variety show.
It was getting awkward to just sit there when he wasn’t even paying attention to the news nor his phone. He brought his legs down the floor and half stood up when Beomgyu grasped the end of his grey t-shirt and looked up at him with wide sparkly eyes.
“Kiss me.”
Soobin watched in horror as Beomgyu’s lips trembled and his eyes glossed over. A moment passed with Beomgyu hanging onto him and Soobin standing dead there. He was waiting for his alarm to ring because there was no way this wasn’t a dream.
Choi Beomgyu asking him to kiss him.
Yeah, very much a dream storyline.
“Hyung?” Beomgyu batted his eyes oh so innocently like he didn’t just ask for a kiss.
“Huh?”
“I said kiss me!” Beomgyu mumbled through sealed lips and Soobin got to see how this was affecting the younger as much as it affected him.
His face flushed bright down to his neck exposed by the collar of the shirt he was wearing, his hands were pale as they gripped on Soobin’s t-shirt and his ears were literally like fire chillies. Well, that puts the two of them in the same situation.
Seeing his hesitancy in answering or making any move, Beomgyu’s hands loosened little by little as they slid down his t-shirt and finally fell limp on his sides. And you have no idea the sight made Soobin’s heart squeeze in pain.
“I..I just,” Beomgyu turned away, facing the headrest of the couch, and he looked so sad, “You’re going to have your first kiss with a stranger. She’s your co-star but still, you’ve known me longer than you know her. Isn’t it better to have your first kiss with someone you’ve known for quite a bit rather than with her? I don’t know but I don’t think I’ll like the idea of you having your first kiss in a professional environment. First kisses are supposed to be special. Not that kissing me would be special but-”
“Beomgyu,” Soobin called out curtly, cutting the younger’s rambling short, “breathe.”
The younger complied, inhaling air and then exhaling, counting to ten in his own mind. He reached for the air con remote from the table and lowered the AC degree. He’d die from suffocation at this point.
Soobin didn’t mind him, he hadn’t left yet. He had sat down beside Beomgyu again, the small distance between their thighs tingling their senses. He placed his phone and airpods on the table and watched as Beomgyu gulped ten times a minute.
“It’ll be your first kiss too,” Soobin said after a long time.
“I know,” Beomgyu answered with a slightly whiny voice and practically trespassed into his personal space, leaning forward, his small hands on either of Soobin’s thighs, “What if I say I want my first kiss to be with you?”
Soobin thought for a second, but his thought was interrupted when Beomgyu’s hands moved from his lap to bunch up his shirt into fists and gazed directly into his eyes.
“What if I say there’s no ‘if’ and I want you to take my first kiss and I take yours? It’s a win-win situation.” He whispered like it was some dirty deal they were making and Soobin’s body erupted in chills.
He was already having a hard time just with Beomgyu existing. But those eyes and the words and those damn pretty lips which Soobin had dreamt of so much? He thought he might just ascend to heaven.
“Is it too much?” Beomgyu said with an unfairly dejected sounding tone and detached himself from Soobin, slowly scooting back little by little again.
This time, before he could withdraw, Soobin caught him by his wrist and pulled him closer, much, much closer than before.
“Why are you always running away?” He whispered as his eyes searched the younger’s face for any signs of mischief or reluctance that could make them regret later on.
“Y-you didn’t say anything,” the smaller male whispered back and his lips looked so pretty as he said it, a little pouty and a little vibrant in colour.
“Are you sure you want me to kiss you?”
Beomgyu nodded just once. But it was enough of a confirmation for Soobin. He had dreamt of this moment so many times and he had blamed it on his subconscious mind so many times. Finally, he was about to embrace it wholeheartedly.
He leaned in and placed his lips firmly upon Beomgyu’s, not moving, just a touch. His heart was doing gymnastics inside his rib cage and there was a frantic siren going off in his brain. Meanwhile, his hands seemed to know what to do and they were soon leaving Beomgyu’s wrist to cradle the younger’s warm cheeks.
He pulled away a little to observe the reaction and nothing could have prepared for what he saw.
Beomgyu was so close, rosy cheeks and eyes closed prettily. He could count his eyelashes if he paid enough attention. He brushed off the bangs that were falling upon his closed eyes and he could hear the younger heave a contented sigh.
“Again,” he demanded, “kiss me again, hyung.”
And so Soobin did. Properly and carefully this time. As Beomgyu said, first kisses ought to be special. It was already special but he wanted to make it memorable as well. Something they could look back and be proud of.
The younger male tasted like sugar and gummies. Soobin had brushed his teeth earlier and he was particularly strict about teeth norms. But as he kissed Beomgyu, everything flew out of the window. He didn’t care. All he knew was he needed more, longer.
They kissed slowly and calculated, sitting in the middle of the couch. Beomgyu’s hands went from pawing at his chest to encircling his neck and eventually messing up his hair. They kissed like they had been thinking of this exact moment for years. They kissed like their life depended on it, yet took time to savour each movement, each breath.
Unlike his usual self, Beomgyu was quiet when he was being kissed. So, that little needy whine he let out when Soobin experimentally tugged on his bottom lip with his teeth made his heart soar to heaven. He didn’t think it would return anytime soon.
Also, unlike Beomgyu’s cocky self, he was very shy after the kiss. Just as they pulled away from each other, he flew for his neck. He wrapped his arms around his shoulder so tightly and tucked his face in the crook of his neck. Like he didn’t kiss Soobin back with all his fervour.
“Gyu?” Soobin softly called, his own hand resting on the younger boy’s waist and tapping rhythmically with his thumb.
“Please,” The younger begged, “please don’t look at me now.”
Soobin couldn’t help the smile that broke out on his face or the fond giggle that escaped him. He was so happy at the moment. It could be listed in his top three happiest moments of his life.
“Don’t laugh,” Beomgyu whined.
“Okay, okay,” The leader spared him, “do you want me to carry you to your room?”
There didn’t come an answer. Instead a meek nod which he wouldn’t have felt if his face wasn’t plastered to his neck. Why was he so cute?
So, he carried him in that position. With Beomgyu clinging onto his front like a baby koala and Soobin’s hands under his knees to support him. He dropped him off on his bed and the younger scrambled away from him and went under his covers.
“Good night, hyung.” He said simply, voice muffled.
“Good night, Beomie.” The leader said with a smile as he turned off the light before closing the door.
The next day, he had to wake up earlier than others because of his shooting. They were shooting the last scene of the second to last episode. One thing he appreciated about shooting as it aired was he got a lot of cheerings for his work from the viewers and that really lifted him up.
He would dread going out of bed every other day, but today, he hopped off excitedly. The giddiness from yesterday was still there and he couldn’t stop smiling as he brushed his teeth in front of the bathroom mirror. Yeah, he certainly looked like a fool.
Humming to a happy-go-to-lucky song, he finished dressing up. He contemplated walking into Beomgyu’s room to bid him goodbye before he left but eventually decided on texting him later on instead. It was never nice to disturb a good sleep.
His phone dinged with a message indicating that his manager was waiting in the car downstairs and he hurried off to put on his shoes at the doorstep. One hand on the wall, and the other slipping it on all the while handling the bag that slinged by his shoulder, he somehow managed to put them on.
Just as he was about to turn on his heels, the door to Beomgyu’s room opened and out came a waddling Beomgyu, eyes half closed and hair fluffed up like the fluffiest cloud. He bumped into the edge of the couch once and changed his trajectory to walk up to Soobin.
If it wasn’t for the eyes that were fluttering, desperately trying to open, Soobin would have thought he was sleep-walking.
Then, when he reached the doorstep where Soobin was standing with curious eyes, he threw his arms around his neck and pecked his lips simply.
“Good day at work, hyung.” He said.
And then waddled back to his room like it was nothing, the door slammed shut. Soobin stood there for another minute, registering what had just happened, touching his lips and smiling to himself as he reminisced the lingering touch until his phone rang with an incoming call and he had to leave.
Nonetheless, he left for work with the brightest smile he had ever worn in a while. And if his colleagues asked why he was in such a good mood that day, he would say that he saw a sunflower that could brighten up anyone on the way. He wasn’t wrong.
Beomgyu was his sunflower.
The next time they ended up together on the same couch was the day the last episode aired. Roughly a month after their first kiss. Both of them knew that kiss wasn’t because they didn’t like the idea of letting a stranger rob them off their first kisses but because their heart chose each other.
However, neither of them mentioned it. It passed as an unspoken confession through shared giggles and stolen glances during schedules. And of course, late night kisses under the covers.
When the kissing scene in the drama came up, Soobin didn’t let Beomgyu watch it. He blocked his view and kissed the living daylights out of him. Why would he let Beomgyu watch him kissing someone else who wasn’t Beomgyu? Beomgyu hated that. He told him.
He would never let Beomgyu feel sad seeing him with someone else.
He promised himself that.
The sweet background music played as the two lovers in the TV shared a mellow kiss and so were the unannounced lovers on the couch. Both were in their own happy world, not caring a damn about anything else, believing nothing could go wrong.
It was just wishful thinking.
*
The people in the studio intently listen to him as he reminisces about his old days. It is something he has made himself forget to save himself from further despair. And so, doing it after years makes him a little emotional. But he pulls it off with a smile anyway.
Some people look shocked at the revelation while some look relieved. Mi Ri, on the other hand, looks so proud of him. And he will forever be grateful to her for this. He wouldn’t be here if he married someone else who wasn’t her.
“That was a beautiful story, Soobin-shi,” the director says, “but can you tell why this beautiful story was kept hidden from the world? That too, at the cost of your happiness?”
Soobin chuckles bitterly, looking down to his lap. The entire studio’s attention comes back to him, waiting for what is left to uncover about the perfect life of Choi Soobin.
“We were unlucky,” he says simply, bringing his palms together as an act of comforting himself.
“Scared and unlucky. The world was cruel and we were in a position where our decisions weren’t only ours.”
*