Chapter Text
Victor tended to have a problem with letting his problems completely overtake him. They build and build until everything falls apart around him.
Though, he has to admit, it's never gotten this bad.
He didn't even realize how bad it was getting until he was at rock bottom. After the wedding, he started going down hill. He replayed the moment with Rahim and Benji in his head on a loop, and he couldn't quite shake the guilt that was eating away at him. The way Rahim quickly walked away after he pushed him away. The way Benji looked at him when he saw them dancing. It played over and over, and it made him think of everything else he's done wrong.
Hurting Mia, lying to his parents, not being a better friend to Felix. Always putting his own problems on other people. He was filled to the brink with guilt, shame, sadness. Without even realizing, he isolated himself. From everyone.
While he didn't know it at the time, he fell into a deep, deep depression. He could hardly get out of bed, he didn't have much of an appetite. He'd skip class, he'd sleep his days away, and he'd avoid talking to anyone. Everything was so overwhelming, so overwhelming that it's like he couldn't feel anything else.
Pilar tried to get him to come out of his room, but to no avail. Sometimes, she'd sit outside his door, listening in for any type of movement. She watched him, noticing how quiet and sad he became. She didn't know how to deal with it, so she just let it go. She'd keep an eye on him from a distance.
His parents were worried. Well, scratch that. His parents were downright terrified. They had to sit and watch their son turn into someone they didn't recognize. They tiptoed around him, making sure not to say anything that would send him over the edge. They started hiding things that could potentially be dangerous, absolutely terrified that they would walk into his room one day, seeing him lifeless.
Felix tried to get to him. Really, he did. He wanted to be there for him. But, he's dealt with things like this his whole life. He watched someone he loved hit rockbottom over and over again, and he couldn't allow himself to watch it again. So, he stepped back.
Mia texted him the most, but eventually gave up when all of her texts went unanswered. She sent him sad looks in the hallways, while he pretended he didn't notice. Andrew was the only one who's been able to corner him, as he quit the basketball team. Andrew played it off as trying to convince him to rejoin, but in reality, he wanted to make sure he was okay. His pride wouldn't allow him to say that, though.
He didn't hear anything from Benji or Rahim. And if he's being honest, he doesn't blame them. Rahim's almost always with Pilar, but Victor avoids him at all costs. Hell, Rahim avoids him too. Victor never came out of his room when he was around their house, and it concerned Rahim a lot, but it wasn't really his business anymore.
Benji noticed the signs. He's had them more than enough times. He could see it through the dark circles around his eyes, and the way that he never see's him with his friends anymore. He was beyond worried. But, like Rahim, it wasn't his business anymore.
Everyone noticed, but no one spoke up. No one made sure he was okay, no one made sure he knew they were there. That thought hurt him more than he would like to admit. Everyone knew what was happening, but no one cared enough to say anything.
They didn't exactly know how bad it was, though.
What they also didn't know is Victor had the apartment to himself one night. They didn't know about the way he was sobbing on the floor, or the way the sleeping pills he bought were sitting in his hand. They didn't know that he swallowed them one by one, more at peace than he's been in months. They didn't know about the letters he wrote, or the way he laid in bed that night with his eyes closed as he let the pills take their course. They especially didn't know that he woke up the next morning, realization hitting him that his plan didn't fucking work.
Though, he didn't feel disappointed. It may sound silly, but he took it as a sign that maybe, just maybe, it was meant to not work. Maybe this was his opportunity at a second chance. His whole mindset changed, and he was tired of living a life where he was miserable all the time.
Once the school year ended, he begged his parents to let him go back to Texas for the summer. As much as he really didn't want to go, there are things that he needs to address. Things that happened there, things that followed him. He needed to go back and deal with it, and he felt like it was the only way he'd get past this.
Reluctantly, they said yes. They all went for the summer, staying in a packed, dingy hotel room. They caught up with old friends and family, and Victor got the closure he needed.
When they first got to Texas, he felt a bit stuck. He didn't even know where to begin. He thought it over for a couple days before he ran into one of his old friends from school, Ethan. They made small talk, and that same night, they met up in the park.
For the first time in months, Victor felt so free. Talking to Ethan was a breath of fresh air. They caught up, going on about their lives and whatever else they could go on about. They stayed out there for hours, but neither minded it.
Coming out to Ethan wasn't exactly the plan, but when he asked about a girlfriend, he didn't feel the need to lie. So, he told him. He told him about Creekwood, about Mia, about Benji and Rahim, about his mom. Ethan sat quietly with a smile on his face, muttering a small "me too" before going on his own tangent about the things he's dealt with.
They were practically insuperable the whole summer.
Ethan introduced Victor to a ton of new things, things that he didn't even know he would like. It started when they were both sitting in Ethan's room, each doing their own thing in the comfort of each others company.
"Okay, what's up?" Ethan said, sitting up.
Victor's eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "Um, what?"
"You're moping, dude. I can tell something's wrong, do you wanna talk about it?"
Victor had sighed. "It's kinda stupid. I just... I feel like I was so afraid of what people thought about me, especially when I lived here, that I never got the chance to explore and find myself. Does that make sense?"
Ethan nodded to him as Victor moved around on the bed, sitting next to Ethan with his back against the wall. "I get that. People here are way too shallow minded."
"Exactly. I don't know, I just feel like I wasted the years I was supposed to find myself by being afraid."
It got quiet between them before Ethan stood up quickly, startling Victor out of his thoughts. "Come on." He said, holding out his hand with a smile.
"Um.. what are we doing?" Victor asked as he grabbed it, letting himself be pulled up.
"We are going to go out and find yourself, Salazar." He said. "It may seem like it, but it's never too late."
They spent the rest of the day in thrift stores, finding what type of clothes he liked, and didn't like. That's basically how Victor spent his summer, finding himself with a boy who almost instantly became his best friend.
Ethan introduced him to so many different things. Movies, music, art, and many more stuff. He traded out his clothes for something a bit more modern vintage style, baggy jeans, and crop tops here and there. He let his hair grow out, noticeable curls that sit perfectly on his head. His whole look completely changed, and he absolutely loved it
One thing that surprised him the most was the makeup. At first, he was completely against the idea of using it. That is, until Ethan shrugged his shoulders, and put some on himself. Victor got a bit curious about it. So when Ethan was done, he asked shyly if he could help him with his. Ethan only smiled at him, moving out of the chair so Victor could sit. They spent the next hour trying new looks and finding what suited them. Along with makeup, Victor took a liking to nail polish, too.
He was terrified to show his family his new style, even though they obviously noticed it changing throughout the summer. The first time he wore makeup in front of them, his heart was racing. After the reaction to his coming out, he was afraid this would drive an even bigger wedge between them.
That didn't happen. At all.
Isabel had taken one look, smiled at him, before licking her thumb to rub right under his eye. "You got a bit mascara under here. There! Perfect."
He was fucking ecstatic.
They made sure to tell him how nice he looked, made sure that they tried to build his confidence up to be able to wear whatever he wants. At this point, they didn't care what he wore. Victor was finally opening back up, and the light was coming back to his eyes. They were beyond grateful for that, for getting their son back.
Victor left Texas feeling better than he had in months. He left with the promise of keeping in touch with Ethan, with the promise that if things got too bad again, he would come to him. He left happier, he left feeling more free. He was finally coming into himself.
A bit of that confidence dimmed as he stared up at his ceiling. The clock beside him read 6:00 AM, and it was the first day back to school. While Victor loves the way he looks, there's still that nagging feeling in the back of his mind, terrified that thing would go so wrong.
As if he could sense that Victor was nervous, his phone lit up beside him with a message from Ethan.
You can do this. Walk in there with your head held high, and be proud of who you're becoming. – Ethan
That was all the encouragement he needed, jumping out of bed to get ready for the day. He decided on a pair of baggy (but not too baggy) jeans he bought in Texas, matched with crop top of some creepy guy from a horror movie he's never seen. He stopped by the mirror after gathering his things, getting ready to head to the kitchen.
He decided against makeup today, not wanting to lay it on too thick. He wanted to be subtle at first, wanted to take his time and get more comfortable. He ran his fingers through his hair, attempting to make it look less like he just rolled out of bed.
He took a deep breath before walking out of his room. He could hear chatting in the kitchen, and he's pretty sure one of those voices belong to Felix.
Felix, who Victor does not want to see right now.
He knows that it was his fault for isolating himself, his fault for not trying hard enough. But he can't shake the feeling of hurt he feels when he thinks about how Felix just... stopped. How he knew what was happening, but didn't even mention it.
"Oh, hey Vi- holy shit." Felix had jumped up at the sound of footsteps, turning to greet Victor before his jaw dropped.
"Hey." Victor said a bit quietly, fully ready to drop the conversation.
"You look.. so different." He started, eyes roaming all over. Victor has to admit, he's starting to get self conscious.
Pilar nudged Felix's arm, snapping him out of whatever trance he was under. "You look amazing. I am so loving this new look."
Felix was his usual hyper self, a smile so bright that it was almost blinding. And for a second, he almost let it go. But then the way he felt crossed his mind again, the way he was so tired, he literally almost-
Victor cleared his throat, closing off his thoughts. "Thanks."
Felix's eyebrows furrowed, smile dropping as he watched Victor. "I'm going to go ahead and head out."
"Okay, have a good day!" Isabel called after he left the room.
Felix was still staring at the spot Victor disappeared from, a bit of a ache in his chest. "Did I, um... Did I do something?" He asked, looking between Isabel and Pilar for an answer.
Isabel sighed, but Pilar spoke up first. "I don't think it's our place to say."
The answer made his heart drop, but he quickly threw on a fake smile. It didn't take long for them to catch up with Victor, walking side by side.
"Um, how was your summer?" Felix asked, hoping the tension would disappear.
"Good." He answered shortly, "Yours?"
Felix went on a tangent about what he's been up to lately, including all their friends as well. Victor listened, but he wishes they didn't have to have that conversation. Pilar noticed Victor's uneasy mood, and she started to panic. She was scared he'd fall back to the person he was before the summer, and with that thought, she interrupted him.
"Hey, Felix!" She said. "Sorry for interrupting but, you'll never believe what I heard about Nicole this summer-"
The rest of the walk to school was just them chatting back and forth, Victor standing over to the side of them. He could feel the anxiety starting to rise in his throat as they were coming into view of the school.
Students were lingering everywhere outside, and Victor was starting to get a bit scared. But, he made himself remembered that he wasn't going to be afraid anymore. So like Ethan said, he walked with his head held high.
His phone went off again with another message from Ethan, causing him to let out a small laugh as they walked up the steps to the school. Once in the hallway, things got quiet. Victor paid it no mind, too busy replying to Ethan's text.
He felt eyes on him, though. It caused him to look up before looking back down to his phone. He did a double take, noticing everyone staring. His eyes roamed the crowed.
He was losing confidence, but he swallowed it down. Instead of causing a scene, or acting like it messes with him, he looked back at his phone and continued walking. It took a minute, but eventually everyone went back to minding their own business.
Once at his locker, he could feel another group of eyes on him. He glanced up, and that's when he notice everyone (Mia, Andrew, Lake, Rahim, Benji) standing around Mia's locker with their jaws dropped. They didn't look away when he made eye contact, Victor was the one who broke it.
"Victor?" He heard Mia say. "Hey-"
Victor's eyes met theirs, giving them a small smile. "Hi."
He continued grabbing his books as it went quiet for a second. "Um, so..." Mia stuttered. She didn't get a chance to finish her sentence as Victors phone started ringing.
He pulled it out of his pocket, a smile forming as he saw Ethan's name pop up on his phone. "I'll see you later, yeah?" He said, walking away without giving them a chance for a response.
They watched him walk away, curious, concerned, and maybe even a hint of guilt. They watched Victor laugh at whatever was being said, and neither Benji nor Rahim can deny the tiny bit of jealousy that raised in them.
All thoughts of them disappeared as Ethan's voice came from the other side of the phone. He knew the reason for the call. He knew Ethan knew he was probably shaking by now, confidence slowly disappearing as everyones eyes followed him. He's grateful for it, though. Ethan never failed to cheer him up, lately.
He knew he'd have to have conversations with his friends later, but he didn't want to think about it right now. Instead, he walked to his class, Ethan rambling in his ear, and let himself relax. He'd think about it when the time comes.