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The phone rings and John picks up, hand twitching only a little. Most times when he get's a phone call it's something bad but he answers anyway and this time is surprised to hear his sister's voice on the other end.
He doesn't get around to see Cheryl as much as he probably should. Most of the time he just causes her trouble anyway.
"John, what do you think you're playing at?" She asks before he can speak, she sounds angry and he winces a little, unsure of what he's supposed to have done now.
"Gonna have to be more specific than that." He mutters.
"You bloody know what I'm talking about. The damn tape. I don't know where else Gemma would have gotten it from."
He get's annoyed now because he doesn't know anything about a tape. "What tape?" He asks. "She watch a porno flick or something?"
Cheryl makes a noise of irritation too. "You wish it were something that ordinary. It bloody hurt her."
And he just doesn't know what she's talking about. "Cheryl come off it, I'm all the way in London. I don't know what tape you're talking about. Now is Gemma okay?"
A huff. "Yeah, she's alright. Turned it off and she was fine again but she had all this blood coming out of her ears and then Tony listened to it and he started bleeding too."
"Jesus. . . Glen Campbell's greatest hits then?"
"It's not funny, she said she got it at school but I-"
"She didn't get it from me but I'll take it off your hands." John say's immediately, not knowing what this thing is but understanding and wanting it away from his niece and sister. "I can be by in a day or so."
A sigh. "You promise, John? I don't want this shit mucking up her life. You hear me? I don't want that."
"No, you're right. I won't let it."
He can hear her trouble and disbelief even when she doesn't say anything. "Okay, stay for dinner then? I'll make something up."
He nods. "Won't say no to that. I'll be there, Cheryl."
"Yeah, okay." She say's again. "Sorry I yelled. There was just blood and all coming down her face. No mother wants to see that."
"No of course not." And he knows his sister loves Gemma. Of course she does. She's a good mum. She was a good sister to him when it came down to it.
"So you'll come get rid of the thing?" She asks.
He nods. "Yeah, already there."
He hangs up and rubs at his face, feeling dark. He's tried so hard to keep this shit away from Gemma but it keeps finding her. Just like it found him only she's just a kid and she's young and innocent and it hurts that he can't keep it away from Gemma.
It hurts that Cheryl thinks he could have given Gemma the tape but then. . . Cheryl's dealt with his shit for years. . . who else would come to mind?
He get's the first ride out of London he can get and heads her way, thinking about all the songs that have ever made his ears bleed through the years. It's almost comical except that it isn't really like that. Not literal blood like what was running down the sides of his niece's face.
Of a little girl's face.
It's supposed to be just a figure of speech.
The ride takes forever and there's rain. Too much rain and the inside of the lorry he's managed to talk his way into is wet and cold.
The driver has a thermos of steaming coffee but he doesn't offer to share any and John can smell the burnt crap's stench floating next to the dank humidity of the cab.
The driver is snide. Probably picks people up so he can feel better about himself. He asks rude questions, smirks a lot but John just ignores it.
The ride is mostly silent.
Wet and silent as water droplets form against the inside of the window panes and jump out at him. The old leather stinks and feels gritty under him.
He get's off in Warrington and from there it's an easy trek to Cheryl's.
The familiar streets of his teenage haunts have changed. Progress and modernization have replaced most of shabby exteriors and old Victorian facades. It's surreal but then he doesn't come home much.
Cheryl greets him at her door, eyes troubled, face worried and he knows she's more upset than she wants to let on.
He hugs her anyway. "How's Gemma?" He asks.
"She's alright. You know how kid's are."
He nods and follows her inside.
There's school pictures on the walls of Gemma and a vase of dried flowers on the television. Cheryl's house looks normal. The weird stuff only brushes her life and he suddenly hates that this tape has invaded her home.
She puts on the kettle and sighs unhappily. "Thanks for coming on such short notice." She say's giving him an apologetic look.
There are lines around her eyes now that hadn't been there when they were kids. John feels like a kid around her again. He think's it's funny how you shrink up around family.
He isn't a kid though. "Of course." He say's.
This is the now.
She shakes here head. "I was out of my mind when I called you. I really was. I was so upset. There's no excuse for how I talked to you."
He reaches for her sleeve. "You think I don't know that?" He asks, trying to be comforting.
She smiles weakly. "No, I know you know." She say's and he sees her shoulders finally relax a little. "Gemma's going to be happy to see you." She say's.
He smiled and nods. "She at school, then?"
"Yeah. She's got good grades, you know? I'm proud of her."
"You should be."
She brushes her hair back and yet he can see the tension still there because everything isn't perfect with Tony and now she's got this to worry about. "Sometimes though, John. . ." She shakes her head and then smiles. "I'm glad you came."
He is too and he smiles gently back at her. "Any time you call, I'll turn up."
She laughs genuinely there. "Now don't go pulling my leg." She say's.
That hurts a little but he knows it's fair. He isn't totally reliable and she knows it but just the same. . . he means it to be true.
He sighs to himself and the kitchen is alright. Tony doesn't keep them living in splendor but it's alright.
"Everything alright on your end, John?" She asks.
He nods because it mostly is and what isn't there isn't time to say. "Think so." He say's.
"Good, you always seem to have a lot going on. I worry about you sometimes."
He appreciates that and looks down at the table, the yellow Formica is starting to show some wear now. "Nah, I'm alright Cheryl." He say's because it's easier than telling her all of the things she might not even believe in. "You don't need to worry. You got enough on your plate as a mum."
She smiles a little sadly. "Oh John you know it's not that easy to stop worrying."
He appreciates that too and sips his tea. "So what about this tape, then?" He asks. "What's on it?"
"How should I know? I didn't bloody listen to it."
He laughs a little. "Gemma say?"
"She was in shock, I think. If she even knew it in the first place." She fishes into her pocket and hands over a white cassette tape, shaking her head. "I don't even know how mums are supposed to know what their kids are up to these days." She say's. "I can't check everything she brings home from school. Remember when you had to save everything you got for a new record? It was vinyl then. This thing fits in your back pocket. I didn't even know she'd brought it in the house."
He takes the tape and turns it over curiously. "I remember." He say's, thinking back some years now.
She shakes her head. "We didn't have it perfect but. . . at least our music didn't make your ears bleed."
He laughs and wonders what's on the tape.
He think's he'd really like to know.
A symphony from hell? Some kind of muttered, arcane chanting? The possibilities were endless.
"Gemma should be back soon." Cheryl say's, looking towards the window and sighing. "I told her you were coming." She looks like she expects him to dart out the door.
He smiles, trying to put her eat ease. "Wouldn't want to disappoint, then."
Her eyes find him. "You're staying for dinner, aren't you? You said you would."
He raises his hands in surrender. "I meant it."
"Good because I've got a roast in the oven."
He looks towards the oven and nods. That sounds good. "Wouldn't miss it." He say's, feeling comfortable in her house when it's just the two of them.
He's not that far from where they grew up although Cheryl and Tony have managed to get themselves into a better neighborhood.
Cheryl sighs and looks at the clock on the opposite wall. "Tony should be off soon too. Do you have somewhere to spend the night?"
He glances towards the living room and raises an eyebrow. "If you wouldn't mind."
She shakes her head, smiling a little. "No, go ahead. Couch is yours."
He likes that and smiles too.
These are the easy moments, the moments when everything is working the way it should and if he ignores the reason for his trip, he's just a brother visiting his sister and her family.
He slips the tape into his pocket as the kitchen door opens and Gemma steps in, school bag thrown over her shoulder and shirt untucked.
He can remember shucking off school clothes the moment he was able to, the useless, oppressive uniforms were nothing once the last bell had rung. Once the doors had opened.
She stops and looks at him, eyes bright. "Uncle John!" She say's with delight. "Mum said you'd be coming!"
He lets her hug him and then she set's her bag down and starts working on a snack. "It's cause of that tape, isn't it?" She say's in a voice that's probably supposed to be sly. It tells him she's been thinking about it.
He nods. "Partly but also the chance to see you two."
She smiles and takes her snack off to her room, leaving the adults to talk and he raises his eyebrows at Cheryl. "She get's bigger every time I see her."
"You should come by more, then it won't be such a surprise."
He nods but knows he won't. Tony doesn't like him that much and he brings trouble. It's better if he keeps some distance, especially with all the weird stuff that tracks home after Gemma these days.
They talk for a little bit more and then Tony comes in, also through the kitchen door and the talk stays pleasant, Gemma pokes her nose back into the room too and eventually the kitchen smells like Cheryl's roast and John feels for a brief, fleeting moment like nothing's out of the ordinary.
He eats and talks with his family and manages to get along with Tony and by the end of it he's got his shoes off and is sitting on the couch.
Gemma seems unbothered by the tape but he supposes that it wasn't the weirdest thing she's ever encountered.
She talks about friends and school and asks pointed questions. She wants to know things he knows and he worries for what that means in the future.
When the lights go out he lays back and stares at the ceiling.
He wants to know what's on the tape. He absolutely wants to know what's on the tape.
He looks over at the stereo center against the wall and thinks about turning the down volume real low.
He glances down the hall however and thinks the better of it. It'd be his luck someone would get out of bed.
He pulls the blankets up to his chin and broods about it.
He really wants to know what's on the tape.
They'd said it was music.
He looks at the stereo center again and turns over on the couch. He can wait until he get's back to London.
He eats breakfast with them the next morning.
Gemma is dressed for school and Cheryl is in a bath robe and slippers.
Tony is already dressed for work.
"You're heading out today, are you?" He asks John, who nods.
"Well. . . nice seeing you."
It's awkward but John only nods again. "Same." He say's, getting an approving glance from Cheryl.
Gemma say's she wishes he could stay another night and he assures her he'll be back soon although he doesn't know when that will be.
Then Tony and Gemma are gone and it's just him and Cheryl.
"You be safe heading back today." She say's. "You still hitch hiking?"
He shrugs, guilty.
She shakes her head. "This is why I worry about you."
He laughs. "I'm alright. Never have any trouble."
That's not entirely true but he doesn't want her to worry at all so why tell her the truth?
She shakes her head again and sits with him. "It was nice having you in again." She say's, mug steaming in front of her. "Even if it was only for a night."
He shrugs. "I'll be around again."
She nods and sips her drink. "You're not going to listen to it, are you?" She asks suddenly, eyes on his coat. It's hanging over the back of his chair and he laughs.
"Of course not." He say's, heart speeding up at the thought of what might be on it.
She nods again and sighs. "I wish I believed that." She sounds like she really does wish it.
He grins. "Maybe it'll fall out of my pocket."
"Yeah, right into a tape deck."
He laughs again and it's good, sitting there with her.
He leaves around noon and hitches a ride all the way to Coventry and from there back to London, the tape burning a hole in his pocket.
He's run through all the things that could possibly be on the tape and come to the conclusion that it could be anything.
He get's inside and heads straight for the stereo in the corner.
His hands are sweating as he pulls the damn thing from his pocket.
He needs to know.
He shakes as he tries to fit the tape into the little slot, fucking it up a few times before getting it in and closing it.
He presses the button down and waits, hearing a faint crackle as the tape turns. It's almost unbearable and then a sickly sweet tune starts to emit itself from the speakers.
And they called it puppy love
He winces as a sharp pain starts to build in his ear drums.
It get's worse with each swell in the music and every line makes it so much more unbearable.
He clamps is hands over his ears and feels wetness there. He looks at his left hand and sees red.
He hits the stop button and the pain turns into a dull ringing.
He shakes his head, dizzy and nauseous now.
"Christ." He mutters, taking the tape out and looking at it.
Donny Osmond.
He shivers a little as the music stays in his head. He feels violated in a way and his hand itches towards the tape player again. . . just wanting to be certain but he stops.
His ears have stopped bleeding and he's afraid the song is going to be stuck in his head now.
He tears the tape out of the cassette and breaks the plastic.
Some people just like putting evil into the world and he thinks that whoever made this must have a particularly cruel sense of humor.
He throws the tape in the trash and tries to remember which day pick up is.