Chapter Text
He looked up from his book as his mom opened the front door. His dad also followed behind.
A vast, empty feeling began to seep into Tsukasa’s chest. He knew. Deep down, he knew. But at the same time, none of it felt real. It couldn’t be real. Obviously. He was mistaken, and they didn’t have the bad news he thought they did.
They both smiled at him sadly with painful red-rimmed eyes. They sat on the couch on either side of him, the gentle impact shattering all he was and sending him hurtling through space. He was tiny between his parents, and at the same time that he was completely untethered and lost he was also trapped there, heavy on the soft couch cushions, walled in on all sides.
His mother started to tell him, and her voice broke, and his father filled in the rest. It wasn’t anything he didn’t already know. The words crashed over him like waves, and he was a stone with the strength of rice paper.
He didn’t cry.
He didn’t go back to school in the days between then and the funeral. He wasn’t entirely sure those days had really happened. They were blank.
The day of the funeral wasn’t blank. It wasn’t dark, either. It was perfectly sunny, and Tsukasa could almost pretend everything was fine. But he was dark. And blank.
He wasn’t going to cry. He was still her older brother. He wanted to be strong for her. Even if it didn’t matter anymore.
He almost did when a cousin he barely knew hugged him. It was gentle, and caught him off guard. He felt understanding there, and could barely stop himself from collapsing into it. But he didn’t.
During the ceremony, he cried. But it was just because of the sad music, and everyone else was also crying, and he’d always been the type to cry when other people cried. He could feel very clearly that he still wasn’t crying over that. And he still didn’t plan to.
He’d cried plenty of times before, when there had been bad news. But that still hadn’t saved her. So he definitely shouldn’t cry now.
And he shouldn’t cry now, either. Now that he’s in middle school and the house is cold and lonely. What right did he have to cry? The pain of losing someone couldn’t measure up to the pain of being lost, could it? And it was so many years ago now. He should be over his own pain.
He looked out the classroom window. It was raining. She’d always hated the rain. Because you couldn’t see the stars.
He wondered how her friends were doing now…
The teacher called on him, and he scrambled to rein his mind back. A classmate giggled an insult to their friend.
His cheeks flushed in shame, but it didn’t really matter.
He needed to pay more attention in class. If he was going to get a decent job one day. It didn’t seem like that part-time thing he’d heard about was going to go anywhere, so he’d have to look for something else eventually.
Ah, shit. He was daydreaming again. He scrambled to pick up his pencil and focus back on the chalkboard.
The room was soft and dim around him. There was a warmth next to him but the air was cool. There were stars glowing on the ceiling. A warm yellow glow came from somewhere to his right, but its source was obscured behind the lump of blankets and warmth in the bed next to him.
It was 4:32 AM. Should he go back to sleep, or just get up now anyway…? He could try to get some chores done around the house since he was awake. He sat up, watching the way the light from outside played on the curtains. He stretched.
He stood up, turning and smiling down at his partner still asleep in the bed. His… partners. There were clearly two people. Emu and Rui… Nene was away for work.
Everything shattered. He had to catch himself on the bed. He was bracing himself there, doubled over and breathing heavily.
That hadn’t been real. He still didn’t know what was real and what wasn’t. That dull life, none of those memories had been real. His reality came flooding back to him in massive waves, almost drowning him. He felt caught, between the reality and the dream. But somehow both held the same pain. And both felt equally real–
Saki. He had to know if she was alright, if she was even alive–
He stood unsteadily, nearly tripping over the corner of the bed as he rushed to find his phone. It was in the living room where he always left it at night, but now he felt stupid for doing so, but it was just because it gave him more peace of mind for some reason and someone else’s phone would always be in the bedroom if anything bad or anything urgent happened but he still felt stupid now, he should have thought about this—His heart was so loud in his ears.
“....Mn.. Tsukasa?”
Shit. He’d been too loud opening the door. Now Emu had woken up, and he was going to worry her unnecessarily.
She shifted, turning to look at him. He could see her blinking sleepily in the dim light. “Why’re you awake? It’s…” She turned to the clock, squinting at it and blinking a few times. “Really late…”
“A–ah. I.” His voice broke and it took him a moment to gather the breath to speak. “It’s nothing, you should go back to sleep.”
She was stirring a bit more now. She sat up, letting Rui’s arm and the comforter fall down to her waist. “What.. Can you tell me what happened?” She blinked again, then shook her head and lightly smacked her cheeks to wake herself up. Tsukasa was trying to breathe slowly, calmly, but every other moment his control broke and a shaky, shattered breath leaked through.
Emu squinted. “What’s that sound?”
Tsukasa made another strangled sound at that, unable to contain himself. Emu’s expression shifted from confused to concerned, a sort of sharpening. She started to stand.
“Tsukasa? What’s wrong?” She still sounded a bit sleepy, but there was an edge of panic to her voice.
“Ah, it’s–” He was trembling, trying not to break down.
“It’s okay! I love you, come here–!” She rushed over, trying to pull him into a hug.
He drew back from her, making a strangled noise. “Saki—”
Her eyes widened. “What about Saki-chan!? Did–did something happen?”
Tsukasa sobbed.
“Ah! It’s alright, it’s alright!” She managed to overpower him and pull him into a hug, looking back over her shoulder at Rui, who was beginning to wake up. “Here, let’s just–Wah!” Tsukasa had collapsed fully into her arms, and she was struggling a bit to support his weight. “Let’s just–Here!” She pulled him over so they were both sitting on the bed, Tsukasa crying now.
“What–what’s going on?” Rui sounded disoriented and scared, and Tsukasa felt another pang of guilt for upsetting him.
Emu was explaining something to Rui, but it blurred meaninglessly across Tsukasa’s mind. He was clinging onto her like a lifeline. He was overcome with grief and panic, and he still didn’t know what was real. Aside from her right there, holding him. Her hands rubbing his back, stroking his hair made it a bit easier to feel the boundaries of himself, to tie him back into his own skin.
He felt another hand on his back, another warmth around him, and a voice in his ear blurred behind all the panic. But then it was gone. There were still the voices around him, soft and concerned. But they felt a bit far away. The lighting in the room changed, got a bit brighter, then dimmed again. There was some kind of sound, but he couldn’t place it–
Just as quickly, the lights and sounds changed again, and then the other warmth was back, and then a light, pale and blinding, right next to him. His phone.
He lunged over, grabbing it out of Rui’s hands. Fumbling, almost dropping it, he looked at the screen. He wiped his eyes frantically to clear away the tears, and froze for a moment before rushing to open the contacts app with numb fingertips. He scrolled down, scrolled too far and back up– “Beloved Little Sister.” He felt like he could cry just from seeing that, but there was still a chance—
He clicked through to the messages, distantly aware of the slightly panicked voices next to him. He had to wipe his eyes again to read.
“
From Beloved Little Sister, 2 Days Ago, 14:03
i might have to be a bit late to lunch on saturday i’m so sorry!!!!! i completely forgot i said id pick up some groceries and all the good sales will be gone if i go after lunch (＞＜)
To Beloved Little Sister, 2 Days Ago, 14:03
That isn’t a problem at all! I’m looking forward to seeing you!!
“
He had to check the date three times before he could convince himself it was real. He went nearly boneless with relief, though his mind was still charged with electricity. He was caught, supported by strong arms, pulled into a tight hug. Reality began to filter into his mind again, bleeding into the edges.
Saki was okay. She was perfectly fine and none of that was real. But he was still terrified. That dream had been real, and it still felt real, and he didn’t know how to wipe it from his mind.
He felt Rui sit down again next to him, hugging him from behind and whispering something that may or may not have been words but was comforting nonetheless. Emu started carding her fingers through Tsukasa’s hair. It felt like a blanket had been wrapped around his mind, no more room to thrash around and cry. All he could do was be here, and breathe. And he did, the best he could.
It was warm. His mind hadn’t melted but it had thawed, softened around the edges. He could think at least a bit clearly now. And he was… embarrassed. And sad. But he knew.. this wasn’t his fault. And Emu and Rui were here.
There was a slight pang in his chest. Wishing Nene were also here. He was so proud of her for everything, proud of all of them, but it hurt. That they couldn’t always be together.
That felt selfish.
He breathed even more deeply. It wasn’t selfish. Or greedy. It was understandable, and he wasn’t a bad person for it. Especially since he wasn’t trying to force her to stay.
So. Now he just had to. Actually recover from this. That small cruel part of himself was still telling him he shouldn’t be in pain, he was being whiny and selfish, but he’d learned how to ignore it by now.
He probably needed to… explain what was going on, Emu and Rui still seemed to be in full panic mode. They were there, holding him so lovingly, but he could feel their anxiety permeating the air. He.. didn’t really think he’d be able to talk right now, though.
Tsukasa could breathe and think a little more clearly now, but he still felt so cold and afraid and if they weren’t hugging him he’d definitely be curled into an unflattering position on the floor. But he had to let them know. So they wouldn’t worry themselves to death, and so they could help him.
He nuzzled his face into Emu’s shoulder again before moving away to sit next to her on the end of the bed. His chest tightened at the loss of warmth and safety, and he leaned into Rui’s shoulder when he sat down next to Tsukasa. Rui wrapped his arm around him tightly, leaning in, and Emu pressed herself against Tsukasa’s other shoulder.
None of them spoke; the other two just waited patiently for Tsukasa to explain. However he needed to communicate. They’d all been through this process many times before, regardless of who was in the metaphorical hot seat. They knew the rhythm, the way to show loving support in silence and to expect nothing and give only comfort.
He faltered trying to write up an explanation. He’d had nightmares like this before, but this one was.. bad. And he didn’t even want to think about describing exactly what had happened in it. He settled on something simple, trusting that they’d understand.
“I had a nightmare. It felt really real and it was hard to come back to reality after.”
Emu hummed sympathetically, nuzzling her cheek into his shoulder.
“When you were worried about Saki-kun… that was because of the dream?” Rui asked gently, still holding onto him.
Tsukasa winced and then nodded. His first instinct was to apologize for worrying them, but… he knew they didn’t blame him. He hesitated, though… he wanted them to know the details of what happened in the dream, but he didn’t want to go through the pain of describing it all, and he didn’t want to burden them with that–
“Would you like to talk about what happened in it?” Rui’s tone was soft, completely filled with compassion and free of any pressure.
Tsukasa felt a bit of the tension in his shoulders relax. He typed a response.
“A bit.”
The others nodded, waiting for him to continue. He felt tense, trying to go over it again in his mind to explain the details, but he knew it would only be worse if he didn’t tell them. He would feel better getting it out. Rui was rubbing his back and Emu’s hand was solid where it rested on his knee. He sighed and began typing.
“It was a dream where” he hesitated, trying to make himself type the words. “Saki died. And the rest of the dream I was going through life, without her, and without my passions.” He had expected to be unable to tell anything, but now that he’d started he couldn’t stop. “And because of that, I never met you all. And I suppose the rest of my life was just dull and depressing.”
The others were holding him more tightly, but they could tell he wasn’t done.
“I know that none of it was real, but it felt so real. And even now it feels almost as real as my real memories. It just,” his eyes began blurring with tears and he had to pause typing to wipe them. “makes me so grateful to have you three and to have her with me. But it makes me so scared to lose all of this, and it hurts because having that dream it feels like I have.”
He let his arms drop down to his lap, looking from Rui to Emu. They both looked sad for him, and loving. Though their arms around him certainly added to the latter.
Emu had tears in her eyes. She seemed to hesitate for a moment before deciding what to say. “We’re here. Tsukasa.”
Tsukasa felt tears swell in his throat again at that, and let the other two pull him closer.
“We love you so very, very much, our star.” Rui spoke softly into Tsukasa’s ear. “It hurts me so much to see you in pain, and I want to help you all that I can.”
Tsukasa shut his eyes, letting Rui’s soft tone carry him away. Emu was rubbing his hair again and they were very warm and he felt boneless. The ache in his chest was still there in full force, but it was easier to ignore with so much comfort all around him.
“Will you try to relax, star?” Rui was rubbing Tsukasa’s stomach with his palms, making him realize how tense he had been.
“U, mn..” He let out a tiny noise of agreement, trying to unclench his muscles the best he could. Emu rubbed his shoulders, forcing the tension out with her warmth and her strength.
“You’re doing so good, love.” Rui seemed to wordlessly communicate something to Emu and they both started moving Tsukasa to lie down, Emu momentarily standing to cover them all with the blankets. Tsukasa tensed up again, at first, then let them. He let Rui gently pry his phone away as well, and saw him turn the notifications off before setting it on the nightstand. Tsukasa shut his eyes, heart swelling just a bit at being understood. Rui knew hearing his phone go off while he was trying to sleep made him anxious, but he wanted Tsukasa to have it if he needed to communicate with them.
Emu finished tucking the blankets around them and got into bed herself, snuggling close to Tsukasa. Now he was surrounded, and he felt so entirely safe.
Rui started stroking Tsukasa’s hair again, which Tsukasa was more than happy to melt into, but then he paused. “Are you… alright to go to sleep again?”
Tsukasa’s mind froze for a second, then he shivered violently, filling with anxiety again. He could feel Rui tensing up next to him, regretting his words.
He hadn’t even thought of the possibility of having another nightmare.. but it was probably unlikely. He knew by now that he usually felt better after getting some more sleep, and regardless his brain was so tired and foggy he didn’t know if he’d be able to stay awake. Plus, if it happened again, they would still be here. He would be alright.
He nodded, softly.
Rui immediately relaxed. “Alright. I truly didn’t intend to worry you, dearest.” He started petting Tsukasa’s hair again, and Tsukasa immediately melted into the touch.
Emu hugged Tsukasa like a massive teddy bear. “...Goodnight, star.” Her tone was so soft and gentle, and so full of love. There may have been more tears forming in Tsukasa’s eyes. Emu pressed the softest kiss he had ever felt to his jaw before settling in next to him, her face tucked into his neck and her breath ghosting across his collarbone.
Tsukasa… somehow wanted them to hold him closer. His brain was already teetering on the edge of sleep, but there was still a lingering edge of anxiety. He burrowed into the pillows further, and pulled Rui’s arm tighter around him.
…No, that still wasn’t quite right. He hesitated before turning over onto his side, pressing his back against Emu and pulling Rui to his chest. There. That was it. He could already feel himself relaxing into the safety and the pressure, but when Rui’s fingers found his hair again and Emu kissed the back of his neck it was over for him. He couldn’t form a coherent thought outside of warm and soft and this feels nice.
He very willingly let go of the last thread of consciousness.
~
There was a loud and annoying beeping. His head was spinning with sleepiness and anxiety. There were soft, confused stirrings on either side of him, until Emu shot up, scrambling to turn it off. Tsukasa immediately missed her.
“Hn, wha..?” Rui was moving to look up at her. The sun was bright through the curtains.
“My alarm! I completely forgot to turn it off last night, I’m so sorry!!” She’d finally shut it off, sinking back into bed with her shoulders hunched.
Tsukasa readily cuddled up to her again, til his mind caught up with the situation. He was immediately struck with guilt. “You–! Work!” He tried to pull away.
“Huh?” Emu was looking at him, confused. “It’s alright, I can take today off…”
Tsukasa could feel himself crumpling a bit, at the guilt of having woken her up in the middle of the night and now making her miss an entire day.
“Would–would it make you feel better if I went in?” She sounded unsure and apologetic. “I promise I’ll be alright missing today–I was planning to do some stuff but!! It’s nothing urgent at all, it’ll be okay!”
Tsukasa was drowning a bit in the torrent of her words. His brain was still too sleepy to process it. But.. he certainly knew he wanted Emu there with him, and he could tell she wanted to stay, so…
He shook his head, pulling her back down.
She smiled, gently, and he nearly cried again. “Alright! Thank you.” She twisted around to grab her phone. “Let me just.. Send a text, really quick, and then it’ll all be sorted out.” When she was done, she put her phone back on the nightstand and squeezed Tsukasa and Rui back to her chest. “Alright! Alright.”
Rui still seemed half-asleep, but he cuddled up to them again, humming as he wrapped his arms around Tsukasa. Tsukasa was once again sandwiched in the middle, and it was so easy to just let his brain grow fuzzy with warmth. Emu kissed his forehead, then nuzzled his hair, breathing deeply and finally relaxing.
They could get some more sleep. And they’d have the whole day to relax. And it would be alright.
Tsukasa didn’t even realize until later that he hadn’t had any more nightmares that night.