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Sam had been watching Dean his entire life, but when he was younger he didn’t exactly have a camera around to snap a picture whenever he wanted. He didn’t like the fact that they didn’t have school pictures, or frames full of family photos like everyone else. If he had to pick one thing that bothered him the most about hunting, he thought this might be it.
There were other things, lack of personal space and always having to keep an eye out for some creature, that bothered him too, but if he had more pictures of his dad, he might remember more than the fact that they argued all the time. When his brother died, he might have been a little better prepared to live without him. Without having those memories that every other family had, it was extremely difficult to move on. Occasionally he would stop and think about some of the hunters he’d known over the years that didn’t have family, or those whose whole families were wiped out. Maybe someone could have grieved for them if they had some photos.
He’s lying to himself and he knows it, but it’s easier to put the blame on not having physical representation than to place it on both of their co-dependencies that go beyond anything anyone has ever seen. Either way, he was able to lessen the lack of photos once he and Dean were back together. Whenever they would stop for the night in some grimy motel room, or even when they were out at the bar, Sam would find a time when Dean was looking in the other direction and he would snap a photo on his phone.
That worked out really well until yesterday when Sam was looking through his, frozen in time memories and noticed that every picture of Dean had what looked like scrape marks on them. Of course, it couldn’t be scrape marks because they were digital images, but if they had been physical photos that’s exactly what he would describe them as.
Sam wasn’t sure who would know anything about this. Bobby would have been the logical one to call, but he wasn’t around anymore. Charlie would have been next but again, another hunter gone too soon. It seemed that Sam would end up on his own, even though there was one other hunter that he knew would be able to help him.
He really did want to bring Dean into this, but he was afraid of what Dean would think if he knew Sam had taken all these pictures of him. Sam had always been good at research, maybe he should just do his research and then see what Dean thought. His brother was always better at coming up with a plan than he was.
Maybe he wouldn’t have to tell him about all the pictures, just some of them. He could show his brother a few pictures, maybe some that Dean knew he had taken. One could hope, right? Yeah , he was getting pretty good at lying to himself. He just needed to get on with the research and take it from there.
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It didn’t take long for Sam to realize that there really weren’t many options for what could be causing the problems with his phone, or the pictures on his phone anyway. He hadn’t had any other problems whatsoever, and the only pictures that seemed to be affected were those of Dean. It was every picture of his brother that was on the phone.
They weren’t uniform scratches that might lead to a scratch or a hair on the lens. Sam knew for a fact that he had looked at those pictures enough in the past to know they hadn’t looked like this before. It was something that just suddenly happened and he had a really bad feeling about it.
Supernatural creatures were always trying to use one of them against the other, what if something had found out about his obsession with capturing moments when Dean was most vulnerable, like when he would laugh or when he was asleep. Yeah, Sam could admit he was a bit of a creeper, but he still didn’t appreciate some thing pointing it out.
He needed to figure out what it was before it was too late. This morning when he looked at the pictures, they had even more scratches on them than they had the day before. He didn’t really want to think what it would mean if the whole thing became covered.
He thought about the hellhounds that had clawed Dean when his year was up and a shiver ran down his spine. This couldn’t be like that. It had to mean something else. Even though he had a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach that he just didn’t seem to be able to shake, he would keep his cool and try to figure out what was going on.
It didn’t help matters that he was having to avoid answering Dean’s questions about what he was doing, he wasn’t so much lying to his brother as he was skillfully avoiding him. That lasted until he had fallen asleep in the middle of a book on light demons, he really was trying anything to figure out what was going on, and you had to have light for pictures.
“Uh, Sam?” He could hear the question in Dean’s voice before he was even completely awake. “Whatcha doin’ sleepin’ on the table?” It sounded like Dean was eating, which would mean it was probably morning, unless for some reason he was having a midnight snack.
“Just doing a little research.” This was it, he could either lie to his brother or bring him in on it. He didn’t want to lie, but he needed some more time to try and figure this out on his own. “Garth called. He’s got something he hasn’t heard of. Wanted to know if it was anything we knew about.”
He hated that he was afraid, afraid he would run off Dean with his admission, but this seemed like the best of both worlds. He could have Dean’s input without having to explain what was really going on. “Okay, but maybe you could sleep in the bed instead of on the book.” Dean ruffled his hair and went ambling off towards the other side of the room with his plate. “Least eat some breakfast.”
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“It could be someone messing with the guy's phone.” Sam had told Dean what he could without actually showing him the photos. It wasn’t like Sam hadn’t thought of that, but the only person he had been around lately was Dean and he was pretty sure his brother hadn’t figured out a way to tamper with every photo of himself on Sam’s phone.
If it had been only one or two pictures, then Sam might agree, but every single one? Nah, he was leaning towards something supernatural. “What about a demon? Could it be one of those light demons?”
Dean pulled the book back across the table, opening it up to look over the contents once again. “Nah, I don’t think so. Look here.” He turned the book around so that Sam could read what it said. “It says they use light to change their appearance, the person in the pictures doesn’t look like someone else do they?” Sam shook his head and Dean laid the book back on the side.
“Alright, so not a light demon, there could still be other demons that can mess with technology.” Sam wasn’t ready to give up. If it really had been some research for some other hunter, he probably wouldn’t have been so adamant about it, but it was for Dean so that made it different.
“I don’t know man. I’ve never heard of a demon messing with someone’s phone, well not this way anyhow. Ya know he came to us because he hadn’t heard of it before, but we haven’t either. Apparently, the Men of Letters hadn’t either because it looks like you’ve been through all the books in the library if these piles are anything to go by.” He wasn’t wrong, Sam had looked through every book he could find on every demon he could think of. It didn’t change the fact that he hadn’t found anything, or that he wouldn’t stop looking.
“I know Dean, but I feel like something bad is going to happen to the guy if we don’t figure it out. I’m just going to keep looking, see if I can’t find something. So, it’s not a demon, maybe it’s something else. I’m not ready to give up yet.” He noticed that Dean gave him a strange look as he started stacking the books back on the end of the table to be carried into the library and changed out for something new.
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“What about a spirit?” Sam had kept his research up most of the day, but hadn’t found anything really concrete. The closest he had found was a spirit who haunted a photograph, and one who manipulated paintings. He was pretty sure if they could do those things, then marking up all Dean’s pictures wasn’t too far off.
Dean was making dinner in the kitchen with some music playing. It was a time when Sam would have taken another picture, but he was afraid to take anymore in case him taking the pictures was what brought his brother to this thing's attention in the first place, whatever it was. Instead, he just stopped to appreciate what a beautiful person Dean was, both inside and out.
That had been what he was truly trying to capture in the photos, but it had also been the one thing that had always been missing from them. Pictures could definitely catch the outer beauty, but they had never been able to capture the beauty within Dean. That side that he tried to hide and only let those closest to him see.
“Could be. I’m not sure, but I think that sounds more likely than a demon.” He started plating up the food and handed Sam his before setting his own down on the table. “Did someone die around the guy? Or maybe there is a tragic event that happened recently? There would probably be something that would trigger something happening all of a sudden when there hadn’t been anything before.” The two had sat down while Dean was talking and Sam couldn’t help the moan that left his mouth when he took the first bite of his burger.
Sam didn’t normally eat the types of food Dean gorged on, but he couldn’t turn down one of Dean’s burgers even if he wanted to. Dean chuckled and handed Sam a paper towel. “Slow down Sammy, no one’s gonna take it.”
Sam felt his cheeks blush, but took the paper towel and cleaned the juices that were making their way down his chin. After swallowing down the bite and taking a drink Sam finally answered. “It’s good, jerk, and I don’t think anything has happened to the guy. At least, not anything recently. Garth said he was around the community so something could have attached itself to him or some spirit could have blamed him for not killing the thing that got them in time. I’m not sure Dean.”
“Hunters always run a chance of someone or something blaming them for their death, or a pissed-off spirit attaching itself to them. He might not have even known and it could have been there for years and something triggered it now.” Sam was really starting to worry, thinking about all the things they had faced over the years.
He needed to tell Dean, this was getting crazy. He couldn’t really let his brother know what was going on without telling him the whole thing, well most of it anyway. He probably didn’t need to know about Sam’s habit, but it wouldn’t hurt for him to know about a few of the photos.
“I need to talk to you, but I don’t think you are going to like it.” Sam was pretty sure that was the understatement of the century, but he was going to be honest. Surely Dean would understand that Sam wanted a few pictures of him, especially after losing him so many times.
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SAM POV
“I haven’t been completely honest with you.” Sam could see the layer of grief and distrust start slipping back over Dean’s eyes. It was the main reason Sam had been afraid to keep it from Dean in the first place.
“Garth didn’t call me wanting to know about the pictures.” Sam pulled his phone from his pocket, turning it to show Dean the picture of himself. “You’re the one whose pictures are all scratched up. They keep getting worse and I was trying to figure out what was going on before I told you. I just didn’t want you to worry if it was something I could fix.”
Sam could hear himself rambling and he wanted so badly to stop, but the words kept coming out of his mouth the longer that his brother refused to let any past his lips at all. “I didn’t mean to lie to you, I tried to just not say anything, but you wanted to know what I was doing and I still didn’t have anything figured out. I thought maybe you could help, but I didn’t know how to really explain it to you.”
He had been looking away as he babbled out his excuses, but as he finished Sam turned back to look his brother in the eyes. He didn’t seem to have the same distrust in his eyes, but the grief was still there. “Why didn’t you just tell me , Sammy? That’s what always gets us in trouble, secrets , and lies. I thought we had moved past that, that we could talk to each other.” Dean stepped around Sam and made his way to the library door. “I’ll be back, I need a minute.”
Sam just looked at his brother and watched as he made his way from the room. He wasn’t sure what his brother was thinking, but he didn’t think it was anything good. Sam really hoped that his brother would forgive him for keeping secrets and lying again, at least until they could figure out what was going on. After that , he would worry about gaining his trust again.
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DEAN POV
Dean couldn’t believe Sam had lied to him again. He thought they had learned their lesson about keeping things from each other, but apparently , Sam hadn’t. He understood that Sam was trying to keep him from worrying, but that’s not how Dean worked and Sam should know that.
He decided that he needed to go back and talk to Sam to find out exactly what was going on. They could work through their personal problems after they figured out what this thing was that was apparently targeting him, or maybe Sam.
“Okay, show me the pictures,” Dean stated when he walked into the library. “Did you say they are getting worse?” He pulled out the chair across from Sam and looked at his brother expectantly.
There was a look that passed over Sam’s face, but Dean wasn’t sure what it was. “Uh, it’s any picture I have of you. I haven’t checked the polaroids in your room, but every one that I have on my phone looks like this.”
Sam handed over the phone, this time allowing Dean to hold it. Dean started scrolling back through the pictures and wondered when Sam had taken so many pictures of him. “When did you take this?” he asked as he turned the phone back to his brother.
“That one was when we were on that werewolf case last month. You know, out in Idaho?” Dean nodded, he knew the case, but he hadn’t realized that Sam had taken the picture. It was when they were at the motel after everything was wrapped up but before they had headed back to the bunker.
He took a moment and looked at Sam, his brother seemed all but defeated and Dean wasn’t really sure why. This was bad, but not any worse than it ever had been before, right. “What’s up?”
“They’re getting worse. I don’t understand. I can’t figure out what is causing it and I’m worried that if we don’t fix it something bad is going to happen.” Dean took the phone back, looking at the different pictures that his brother had taken.
He wanted to question why Sam had so many pictures of him, and when he had taken them. It was strange because Dean thought he was pretty observant, but he hadn’t realized how many times his brother was just clicking away with the camera. That might explain a little as to why Sam hadn’t wanted to tell him. He had to know Dean would want to see all the pictures, and then he would have to explain why he had that many. Dean understood a little better now, but he wasn’t going to let Sam off the hook that easily.
The more Dean looked through the pictures, the redder Sam’s face became. There was a point where Dean stopped wondering when and where Sam took the pictures and started to ask himself why.
“Have you tried sending them to someone to see if it’s only on your phone or if it’s the actual picture?” He was going to pretend that it was normal and just go with trying to figure out what was happening. “Uh, no. I’ll try sending it to you and see what happens.”
Sam looked like his anxiety was going to cause him to have a breakdown. “Uh, Dean?” He looked up, catching Sam’s eye.
“Yeah?” If Sam was going to talk about the elephant in the room, he wasn’t going to say no.
Sam looked like he was gathering himself, “I have a lot of them. I know you think it’s weird, I can tell by your face when you were looking through them. But uh, I didn’t have them when you went to hell, and I didn’t have them when I lost you to the Mark. I started after that and I’m not sorry that I did.” He looked up at Dean finally, “I think if I had been able to have something, anything to keep your memory alive, maybe I could have let you go.”
Dean wasn’t sure he wanted Sam to let go, but he understood. They would tear up the world, damn the consequences to bring the other back. Dean didn’t think having pictures would stop that, but he wasn’t going to begrudge Sam his thoughts. At some point , they would have to eventually be parted. One or the other would die and leave the other, unless , of course , they went out in a blaze of glory together. Dean shivered at the thought.
“Okay, it’s alright, just send one to my phone. I’m going to look at the polaroids in my room.” Their life had always been different from everyone else's, this was just something else that they could chalk up to growing up the way they had, if that’s what Sam wanted to do.
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DEAN POV
There were times when Sam would do something and Dean had to wonder if he did anything wrong while raising him. There probably was since he was only a kid himself, trying to figure things out for the both of them.
This might have been one of those times, except for the fact that he could feel the love in every one of the pictures he saw on Sam’s phone. Although, there were a few where Dean was sleeping. He wasn’t going to lie, those were a little creepy.
The majority of them though, he was laughing. It was always a moment when he let his guard down and just enjoyed being with his little brother. The fact that those times meant enough to Sam that he wanted to keep them meant a lot to Dean as well.
The first one Sam sent Dean was just a plain picture of him looking at the camera. He actually remembered this one being taken. The pictures didn’t have the scratches when they were sent to Dean’s phone, there were also no scratches on the polaroids. That meant whatever was going on was rooted in Sam. Dean thought he had an idea of what it was, but he needed to do some research first to make sure.
“I think it might be an entity, but not really a demon or a spirit. It’s not corporeal, so if it’s what I think it is, it can’t be killed. You would have to beat it at its game to win.” Sam sat there looking at Dean, unsure what he meant by a game. This didn’t feel like any game he had ever played, and the trickster had them play some pretty messed up games.
“I think it's Phobos.”
“Dean, that’s not how gods work, you know that.” Dean rolled his eyes at his brother.
“When are you going to learn that gods can do whatever they want? I think you somehow got this one's attention. He’s the god of fear, he’s even referred to as fear personified. I think he’s freezing the pictures from the fear you have that something is going to happen to me.” Dean stood from his chair and made his way around the table so that when he leaned against it he was directly in front of his brother.
Taking Sam’s hand, he couldn’t look him in the eye, so he kept his own eyes trained on Sam’s fingers as he moved his own along their length. “I worry about you too, you know. It’s not a one-way street. I’ve always been looking out for you, Sammy. It’s what I do, and honestly man, I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
He took the opportunity to glance up and see what his brother was thinking. Finding Sam’s eyes filled with tears was not what he thought he would find. “After we faced Gabe, being Loki, I thought we needed to know more about the different gods that we didn’t know existed. That’s when I did some research and found this guy. I thought he would show up as a physical version of your biggest fear, so maybe a clown for you, or a hellhound for me.”
Sam squeezed Dean’s fingers, but didn’t say anything. “I don’t know why he’s just messing around with pictures, and I don’t know what the outcome would be if we did nothing. But honestly, after all the other things we’ve seen, I don’t want to find out. I think you have to face the fear that’s causing you to freeze.”
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SAM POV
Sam wasn’t sure what he wanted to tell his brother. Hell, he wasn’t sure what he had to tell him. That’s really what it came down to. This wasn’t a choice. The only way to beat this thing was to face his fears and tell his brother everything. Ugh, what a night this was turning out to be.
“Uh, I’m really not sure where to start. I think the fear might have started with Mom. When the house burned, we lost everything except the car and those few pictures that Dad had in the car. It wasn’t a lot and I didn’t remember Mom. The only thing I had to go by was your childhood memories and Dad’s drunken ones.” Sam didn’t think he could do this sitting here with Dean looking into his eyes. It unsettled him.
When he tried to stand though, Dean gripped his hand tighter. He and Dean had always been tactile, but this felt almost intimate. And while Sam may have thought about it a lot he knew Dean wasn’t interested in him that way. He was a freaking adult, he shouldn’t be blushing from holding someone’s hand. “I think I'm afraid of losing my memories. If I don’t have pictures, how will I remember the people we’ve lost? How will I remember you if something happens to you?”
“Every day the memory of Dad drifts further and further away. I know there were good times, but the only thing I remember is the arguing. I don’t want that to happen with us. I don’t want to forget what we were like together if something happens to you.” Sam wasn’t sure how he was going to get past these fears in time to stop whatever was going on.
If Dean was right, a god wasn’t just going to take his word for it. Again, that’s not how they worked. “I don’t know how it’s going to do any good for me to talk about this, it doesn’t make the fear go away.”
Dean took Sam’s phone and opened the photo app. He started swiping through the pictures. He noticed that the lines were a little fainter, so he showed Sam. “I think talking about it and sharing the fear is helping. It’s not as if you have to deal with it on your own.”
Sam could see that as well. If talking about his fear helped to break whatever Phobos was doing, he wondered if acting out something he was terrified of would do even more. He figured if he did this and Dean didn’t close him off and push him away, then he really faced his fear of losing his brother. If he did it and Dean did push him away, then he wouldn’t have to worry about his fear of losing him anymore.
“I want to try something.” The way Dean had been with him gave him hope. There was something in his eyes when Sam talked about what they meant to each other, and he had been pretty sure it was heat.
Sam stood and with Dean leaned against the table, he was even taller than his brother. It gave him the height advantage and he felt a little better than when he had been sitting below Dean. Sam moved in closer, resting his hands on Dean’s shoulders. He was a lot closer than they had ever been in this kind of situation, but Dean still didn’t seem to know what was going on and Sam could feel his heartbeat flying.
“Sam?” Dean didn’t seem upset, just curious.
“It’s okay Dean.” Sam raised his hands and slid them along his brother’s jawline, gently circling his thumbs along the soft part of his throat underneath.
He could feel Dean swallow. “Sam? Not that I’m complaining, but what are you doing?”
He moved his eyes up from where they were locked on Dean’s lips to meet his eyes. “Facing my fears.” With that, he leaned in and took Dean’s lips into a kiss. It wasn’t pressing, it wasn’t searching, it simply was. There was love there, that’s what Sam was trying to convey with his simple press of lips to his brother’s.
Pulling back, Sam closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against Dean’s. “Hey? Sam look at me please?” The plea in Dean’s voice was enough to break the cycle of negativity that was spinning in Sam’s mind.
“Hey!” Sam opened his eyes and looked at Dean. He knew he was going to reject him, it was stupid for him to think anything else could happen.
“Son of bitch!” Dean must have been able to read Sam’s face, which really didn’t surprise Sam. He’s always been good at that.
This time it was Dean who was leading the kiss, and it took Sam a moment to realize that was what was happening. Dean wasn’t as gentle, and he didn’t keep it to an innocent press of lips. When Dean slid his tongue along his lips, he gladly allowed his brother entrance.
It might have taken him a moment to get with the program, but before long he had Dean’s legs up around his hips with his brother sitting on the table. “Easy, tiger,” Dean chuckled as he pulled back, not moving away, only separating far enough for the two of them to catch their breath.
“You done with whatever the hell that look was?” He pulled Sam in closer with his legs so he could feel the effect he was having on him. “If you couldn’t tell, I really wasn’t complaining. If you were afraid I’d leave, or make you leave, that isn’t something you have to worry about.”
Sam couldn’t help himself, he leaned in for another kiss. After he had tasted Dean’s lips he didn’t think he would ever get enough of them. Dean moved his lips away so he could speak, but Sam took the opportunity to trail kisses down Dean’s neck. “Hey, Sam?” Sam rolled his eyes but the smile was fond when he pulled back again to look at Dean.
“Yes, Dean?” He handed Sam his phone that he had picked up while his brother was attacking his neck. “I think you figured it out.”
Sam looked at the picture that was on the screen and the marks that Sam now realized were ice crystals had completely vanished from the picture. He flipped through a few more just to make sure but they were all back to normal. “Guess I faced my fears after all.” With that, he leaned back in to continue where he left off and Dean wasn’t going to distract him anymore.