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Aleksi stood in front of the mirror, staring at the man gazing back at him. He looked tired but happy, and most importantly, his chest was flat. He had pink scars from top surgery but as Aleksi looked at his scars in the mirror, he couldn’t help but smile. He ran a hand over his flat chest, and his smile widened.
He had recovered well from his top surgery, and while his scars were noticeable, he found he didn’t really care. He looked how he had always dreamed he would. Scars and all, Aleksi looked like the man he was. They were just another reminder that he is a man and always has been. Fuck what anyone else thinks. He’s a man.
His phone buzzed, yanking him out of his thoughts and he scrambled to go and get it.
Joel: u coming? Tommi’s ready to go
Today the guys were going to the beach in Germany. The summer was approaching and the heat got to them, so they decided it was time for a swim. It would be Aleksi’s first time going to the beach since his top surgery. If they were in their home country of Finland he would have declined to go, afraid someone would take pictures of him on the beach and his status as a trans man would get out but he felt comfortable doing it in Germany.
Aleksi had been going stealth his whole career but the longer he looked at the mirror, the harder it was to remember why he was still doing it. If the media was a dick, he knew the guys would ride the storm with him. He doubted many of his fans were transphobic, and he would happily lose the ones that were.
Before he could stop himself, he took a picture of himself in the mirror, just him in his swim shorts. It wasn’t a bad picture. He thought about Instagram for a second and then shook that thought out of his head. He needed to text Joel back anyway.
Yeah be right there
He threw on a t-shirt and headed out of his hotel room. The guys were all waiting for him down in the lobby.
“There he is,” Joonas exclaimed, throwing his arms up in the air.
“Yeah, yeah. Sorry, I took so long,” Aleksi said with a sheepish smile.
“If you took any longer we were gonna send Olli to go get you,” Niko said, nodding to Aleksi’s roommate.
“Well, I’m here now. We can go,” he said.
“Yes, let’s go before these idiots get distracted,” Tommi said, gesturing to Joonas and Joel.
“Hey!”
They all piled into the car and headed to the beach. The car ride was full of rambunctious chatter and energy as per usual with the BC guys, but Aleksi felt like his phone was burning a hole in his pocket. The picture he took earlier was swimming around his brain, calling to him.
Why shouldn’t he come out?
Why shouldn’t he just say fuck it and post it?
“Dude, what’s going on in that head of yours?” Joonas’ voice snapped him out of his thoughts.
“Huh?” Aleksi asked.
“You’re spacing out, man. Are you okay? You with us?” Joonas asked quietly.
“Yeah, man. I’m fine,” Aleksi said.
“Are you sure? You seem a little off,” said Joonas with a slight frown.
“I’ve just got a lot on my mind,” Aleksi admitted.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Joonas offered, the look in his eyes was almost hopeful.
“I’m not sure,” confessed Aleksi.
“What are you two whispering about?” Niko asked and Aleksi felt himself clam up.
He wasn’t ready to talk about this with everyone. The guys had been nothing but supportive of him and his transition, but he wasn’t even sure he wanted to talk about coming out to the public with one person yet, let alone five.
“Nothing,” Aleksi said and went back to staring at the floor before Joonas’ frown could get to him.
He tuned out everything for the rest of the ride and let the thought bounce around his brain.
When they got to the beach it was pretty empty for such a beautiful day. It wasn’t officially summer yet but it felt hot enough to be summer and personally, Aleksi was ready to get in the water. The guys made their way from the parking lot to the sand and found a spot that was further away from the other people, spreading out their towels and beach chairs to claim their spot.
Once they were all set up, shirts were dropping like flies and Joonas, Joel and Niko were racing to the water like excited kids. Tommi pulled out a book and relaxed in the beach chair as Olli leisurely made his way to the water.
Aleksi played with the hem of his shirt, the last one to have his top still on.
“Are you alright, Alex?” Tommi asked.
“Yeah, just a lot on my mind,” Aleksi said, looking down at his shirt.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Tommi offered.
Aleksi bit his bottom lip. He wasn’t sure.
“This is my first time at the beach since my top surgery,” he said and Tommi nodded. “And it’s making me think about coming out.”
Tommi blinked and his eyes widened a little. “Okay,” he said slowly. “You know we’d back you if you did, right?”
Aleksi smiled at Tommi. “I know, you guys always have my back.”
“Then what’s stopping you?”
“That’s just it, I can’t quite put my finger on it. I’m not ashamed to be trans anymore, I don’t care if I lose fans for being true to myself, maybe just because I’ve been hiding for so long? What if people are mad and feel lied to?”
“Allu, you can’t predict how people are going to react and you can’t stop assholes from being assholes. All you can do is do what feels right for you,” Tommi said.
Aleksi smiled softly. “Thanks Tommi. I needed that.”
Tommi nodded and Aleksi took out his phone. He pulled up Instagram and got up the picture of himself from the hotel. Do what feels right for you huh?
Heading out for a beach day with the boys
He didn’t feel the need to make the caption big and emotional. He didn’t need to spill his guts in an Instagram post about what being trans means to him and all he went through to get to the point where he’s this happy in his body. He didn’t even feel like he has to point it out to them, his scars do that for everyone. He hit “post” before he could second guess himself and put his phone down.
“Aleksi, you coming?” Olli called from the water.
“Yeah, I’m coming,” he called back.
Aleksi shed his shirt and spared his phone one last glance. Yeah, he made the right choice, he decided and headed off to the water where his friends are waiting for him.