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It was a shabby attempt at a summoning ritual, really. You supposed it made sense since you had no clue what you were doing and your only guides were the very old, torn, and faded books on summoning demons you'd managed to collect for... For whatever this ridiculous shenanigan this could be called. It was almost a bit sad, really, but at this point, you were past the point of caring.
You took in a deep breath as you looked over the room once more, looking at all your intricately placed candles, only the flicker from their blazing flames and the moon lighting up your surroundings. You were placed in the middle of the room, bowl of holy water in front of you, pin in hand, and a wavering sense of anxiety and doubt in yourself for what you were about to do. As the moon peeked in the sky, you decided it was now or never.
Sticking the pin into your finger you winced at the sting, blood pooling at the tip of your finger in a swirl of red, and you watched in mild unsettlement as the red began to drip and twirl around into the bowl of holy water waiting below. Waiting until there seemed to be enough, you glanced back over into the book you were summoning from and did your best to replicate the incantation listed, closing your eyes and swirling your bleeding finger around the rim of the bowl as you did so. Just as you were starting to lose hope, the light of the moon hit your bowl in just the right way, and you felt it. The presence of someone else in the room.
Blinking open your eyes, you jolted back in surprise at the figure standing before you, bent at the hips and leaning forward with his face far too close to your own. He was well dressed and tall, carrying the appearance of a performer rather than a businessman, and he smiled darkly at your reaction of fear.
"Well, hello there, friend! Nice place you got here!" He looked about your surroundings, glancing over the still flaming candles and seeming to make their flames dance even higher. His eyes landed back on you, and he laughed in a tone that set your nerves alight.
"The name's Bill! Bill Cipher! Considering you called me here yourself I don't have to explain things, right? So what will it be? World domination, money, the demise of humanity, endless suffering from those that have wronged you?" His eagerness grew as he carried on, looking at you in the same excitement a predator would look at its prey.
"None of the above. I want a boyfriend." At your statement, it was as if a record had scratched through the room, and the smile still lighting up his face seemed hollow as confusion overtook him. He laughed again, tilting his head and looking at you oddly.
"You- you KNOW who I am, right?! You summoned ME because you want a BOYFRIEND? You humans are always so- WHY DONT YOU JUST DATE A HUMAN-? Why did you-!" He seemed more baffled the longer he considered it, and you simply smiled up at him with a shrug.
"I wanted to date a demon. You seemed like the best shot, so I went with you. You've lived for trillions of years anyway, or so I read, so you can surely afford to kill some time, right?" You hoped you masked any anxieties as you stared up at him. His face shifted from shock, to anger, to confusion, to a blank, emotionless face.
"What could I possibly gain from this?" He questioned as he stared down at you, arms crossed.
"I'll give you my soul." You answered with another shrug. He paused to consider your prompting for a moment, analyzing you and seeming to look through your whole being as you fidgeted on the floor.
"Eh, whatever! This should fly by, I've got time to kill, and an easy soul to take is a good soul. Deal's a deal!" Flames from his hand engulfed yours as he grabbed your hand and shook it faster than you could process. If only you knew what you were getting yourself into.
This would lead you to discover that perhaps there should be a magic guide somewhere on how to actually date and handle a demon. You guessed you'd just have to make your own.
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Tip number one: Make sure they actually know how to cook.
You'd assumed that as a trillion year old demon, Bill would be incredibly intelligent, and he was, but he was also one of the biggest idiots you'd ever met, and you were beginning to question your decisions.
Bill decided if he was going to do this contract with you that he would go all in, if you were going to date him he was going to be the perfect partner, or so he assured you. However, it was rapidly appearing to you that Bill had a very skewed idea of how human lives and relationships functioned, and unfortunately, that led to the fact that he-
"-CAUSED A HUGE FIRE! HOW DID YOU EVEN DO THIS?!" You yelled at him in a mixture of surprise and anger, looking in enraged awe at the smoke and ash filling up the majority of your kitchen. Bill had assured you he could cook, and as your new boyfriend he would take on the honor of making you breakfast.
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED! I WAS JUST COOKING AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, BOOM! I SWEAR, IT'S NOT MY FAULT!" He yelled back defensively, face turning red, although if it was from embarrassment or anger you weren't sure. Probably a mixture of both.
"What am I supposed to do about this?!" The exasperation you felt showed through as you gestured wildly to the disaster area that now made up your kitchen, and Bill laughed cockily, pulling a small card out of thin air.
"Naturally, we pay to fix it! DUH! Honestly, don't you humans know anything?!" He looked as though he'd said the brightest thing in the whole world, and your brow twitched in annoyance as you held back the urge to punch him.
That was the other thing you'd quickly learned about Bill. He apparently had a nearly endless amount of money, no doubt fake and conjured up with his magic, but it worked all the same and was probably his main redeeming factor in this case. After recentering yourself and holding back from strangling him, you made a very embarrassing call to your insurance company, and you'd decided to give breakfast a different shot somewhere else, where there was no risk of Bill burning down a kitchen. You just hoped he could handle himself in public.
---
Tip number two: Make sure they actually know how to function as a human being.
He could not, in fact, handle himself in public. That pompous attitude of his only got worse in the public eye, constantly making snide comments about those around him, whispering to your ear about how filthy and weak everyone was, how you were so lucky to be in his presence. Oh, and how was he doing all of this? With his arm clenching your shoulder into his body impossibly tight, to the point that people were giving you stares.
"Bill- do you think- do you think you could hold me with a bit less force?" Your voice was quiet, and he looked at you with confusion and insult.
"What do you mean?? Don't you humans like being held tightly by your partner??" His nails were digging into you and it took all of the control in your body to not snap at him.
"We don't like suffocating each other, and you don't have to dig me into your side." He still seemed to question your reasoning, but he loosened up enough for you to have a bit of space between the two of you, allowing you to breathe again. At least he took to criticism well enough.
This also now allowed you, however, to pick up on his fidgeting, now that he had his own room as well. His eyes were constantly flicking around, monitoring those around him, and it was starting to occur to you that perhaps he had never tried to integrate with humans before, especially going off the kitchen fiasco this morning.
"I'll handle ordering at the bakery." You'd informed him as the said building came into view, and he'd looked as though he was going to argue with you about it, but after a stern glare from you, he'd silenced himself and allowed you to carry on.
You'd thought breakfast might be tolerable now. A couple of donuts in front of each of you, the peace and calm of the bakery surrounding you, surely, nothing could go wrong, right? Apparently, you'd come to learn, that Bill had no idea how to eat food properly. He watched as you'd taken a bite from your own donut, lifted his up and inspected it, and then stuffed it into his face. Some of it had gotten into his mouth, but most of it had landed all over his face, completely covering his nose in icing. You tried to hold back your laughter, a few giggles slipping through as he glared at you.
"You're this old, and you can't eat a donut?" You let a few more giggles slip out as you searched for a few napkins, and he scoffed at you.
"Demons have no need for these silly human foods, there's no need for me to understand them." He huffed, arms crossed as he looked away from you. You let out a final laugh, grasping onto his chin, causing him to jolt.
"Just trying to help you." You'd informed him, smiling teasingly as you wiped the icing off of his face.
"I'm not a child." He scolded you, despite not making any moves to stop you, and you hummed in response.
"You sure had me fooled." He scoffed again at that, and you stopped yourself from laughing again. Maybe breakfast wouldn't be so bad after all.
---
Tip number three: The final biggest tip, prepare for them to learn how to fluster you.
The rest of your day had gone pretty smoothly, the two of you falling into a similar pattern of navigating through life without causing fires or getting food all over yourselves. Bill had seemed to be acclimating a bit more, and you were honestly beginning to enjoy his company. When he wasn't shit talking the entirety of the human race or causing trouble, he could actually make interesting conversation and relaxing company. He seemed to be taking this dating thing quite seriously, and as the two of you relaxed on your couch, he kept moving closer and closer to you.
He wasn't suffocating you as he had been earlier, but instead, he was comfortable. His body radiated a calming warmth, and his arm was draped comfortingly around your shoulders, and you felt yourself falling into him the more you sat next to him. You could feel his eyes watching you as you kept your own locked onto the show you were watching, trying not to give in and glance at him. Eventually, he got tired of you ignoring him and grasped your chin just as you had grasped his earlier, directing you to look at him.
"I don't like to be ignored." He narrowed his eyes at you, and you smirked in return.
"You weren't doing anything to get my attention." He huffed in response and sent you a smirk of his own.
"I think I can think of something to get your attention, then..." He'd begun drawing his face closer to yours, glancing down at your lips. You'd inhaled in anticipation and begun to slowly close your eyes, and he mirrored your actions, drawing closer until...
He slammed his mouth onto yours full force, causing you to jerk back in pain and yell out in surprise, not expecting the pain going through your mouth. You blinked in surprise as he stared at you owlishly, and then you burst into laughter.
"Bill! That isn't how you kiss someone!" Tears were bursting forth from your eyes as you rolled back, grabbing your stomach from the pain of your laughter.
"Well, excuse me! It's not like I've needed to do this before either!" He crossed his arms and looked away from you, face bright red as you cooed at him, wiping the leftover tears from your eyes.
"Bill..." You called out to him softly, leaning forward onto your knees, and he begrudgingly looked at you. When he was focused on you, you pushed forward and gently molded your lips against his. His body froze in shock, but eventually, he melted into it.
"That's how you kiss someone." You'd informed him with a smile when you'd eventually pulled away. He blinked down at you and smirked, grasping your chin once more as he pressed his lips back to yours.
This kiss was much better than the first, and he worked at your lips with fervor, moving his spare hand to slide into your hair in a tight hold, drawing a gasp from you. He took advantage of that, sliding his tongue past your lips with more skill than you expected. The longer he kissed you, the hotter you felt, and you had to tap on his chest to get him to separate from you as you began gasping for air. You looked up at him through squinted eyes, gasping in for air as he narrowed his own eyes, smirking down at you.
"Be careful what you wish for, little dove..." He cooed at you. "I might not fully understand human life, but I'll make you come to understand the weight of asking me to become your partner." He crept closer to you, causing you to lean back onto the cough seats as he hovered over you.
The look upon his face was extremely predatory, eyes practically glowing as he leaned down and claimed your lips once more in a searing kiss. You weren't sure if it was his magic, or if he just had this much of an effect on you, but you kept growing hotter and hotter, more and more flustered as he continued his onslaught, hands caressing all over your body, sucking the air out of you so much you felt constantly light-headed and unaware of what was really happening, yet you had no motive to fight him off. You were sinking deeper into him, and he chuckled as though he could tell.
"Don't start to relax now, little dove... This is only just the beginning, and I'm only going to ruin you more and more..." He chuckled darkly as he separated from you, at last, smiling just as darkly as he looked over your heaving form, begging for air once again. You knew he wasn't finished with you, and that he wouldn't be for a long time.
You really, really had no idea what you were getting yourself into.