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Honestly, James isn’t sure how he got here.
He’s not sure how he ended up sitting across the room from the person who owns his heart, who has managed to pin his bones to muscles and hold his heart together so tightly that it felt like it might burst.
He’s not sure how he ended up sitting across from him, his head in his hands, tears streaming down his face, all while Regulus stands stunned across the room, angry tears running down his bright red cheeks. James can’t even fucking look at him. He doesn’t want to, he doesn’t think he can .
But he has to. He has to look at him eventually. Not because Regulus is his best friend’s brother, not because they live in the same flat, not because they’re standing in the same goddamn room, but because Regulus is the only person who can fucking see him sometimes.
Lately, though, James feels invisible.
Lately, he feels like a ghost in his own head, floating around in this cavern that he once called his body. It just feels like a hollow cave at this point, and fuck . James wishes that he could talk about it, he wishes that he could have just told Regulus when he had the chance that everything was falling apart .
But Regulus couldn’t see that. He couldn’t see the inner turmoil James went through every morning as he tried to get out of bed, the silent sobbing in the shower before he got ready for work.
Regulus might have been the only person who could see him most of the time, but right now it feels like James is blanketed in a sheet of nothing, making him invisible to the naked eye and nobody can see him, nobody can find him. Not Regulus, not Sirius, not Lily, not Peter, not Mary, not even himself .
James is finding it hard to breathe.
“What are we doing?” Regulus croaks, and James lets out another sob, shaking his head and covering his face. His heart feels like it’s being stabbed and the words that follow just twist the knife. “Why are we doing this? I just want to help you-“
“I didn’t ask for your help-“
“I want to help you!” Regulus shouts, voice filled with malice and pain and anger and love all at the same time, and it makes James wince, his throat feeling like it’s being wrapped in barbed wire. “Why won’t you let me help, James?” Regulus whispers, his voice breaking mid sentence, and James finally looks up, his face tracked with tears as he’s finally able to take in Regulus’ state.
The look on his face makes James’ heart crack into little tiny pieces, shards of glass cutting into his stomach, his chest, his muscles, his veins, and it feels like he’s bleeding out on the floor as a choked sob breaks through his throat and he shakes his head, wrapping his arms around himself. He digs his fingernails into his arms and shakes his head even harder.
“Regulus I’m sorry -“
“You’re hurting me, James,” Regulus whispers, his voice as broken as James’ heart is. “I can’t do this anymore. Really, I can’t .”
And that’s it. That’s it for James. Hearing that Regulus can’t do this, can’t put up with him, can’t deal with him.
But he can’t help but say it. He can’t even stop the words once they bubble up on his tongue and he whimpers softly, the words falling out slowly and quietly:
“Why can’t you see me anymore?”
And without another word, Regulus is gone. He’s gone quicker than James even has a chance to compute, a chance to comprehend what the hell just happened and then he’s on the floor, his arms wrapped around his shins and his face buried in his knees.
Regulus doesn’t come home that night.
-
Or ever, actually. James waits. He waits one, two, three days before he actually manages to drag himself out of bed and plug his phone into the charger in the kitchen. He waits one, two, three days for Regulus to come home, to talk to him, to try to see him .
And, yeah, James knows that this is his fault. He knows that he brought this upon himself. He thinks that maybe he deserves this. Because he’s been hurting Regulus for months . Pushing him away without even realizing, acting cold one day and so warm the next because he’s been too scared to show Regulus how much he loves him because he’s positive that Regulus will get annoyed if he’s all over him every single day.
Maybe he should’ve just spoken to him about it.
Shower , he thinks. He needs a shower. He needs a shower and he needs to brush his teeth. He also needs something in his stomach. He hasn’t eaten in a few days. Even before Regulus left.
His stomach lurches.
Regulus left .
And he gags, his eyes tearing up. There’s nothing in his stomach but he heaves anyway, throwing up in the kitchen sink, stomach bile and saliva coming out of his mouth and he chokes, sobbing as he heaves again. His heart is clenching in his chest and he wipes his mouth, then turns on the tap and wets his hand, rubbing it over his mouth.
James falls to the floor on his knees and whimpers softly, fingers tangling in his already unruly hair.
How fucking stupid is he, really? He’s a right fucking idiot . His head slams against the cabinet under the sink and he chokes out another sob, fingernails digging into his thighs when he brings his hands down to his legs.
Sirius , he thinks. I need Sirius .
-
He does text Sirius. Eventually. It takes him about an hour to get off the floor, but he does call him. When he gets his phone, he scrolls through the notifications on his lock screen, seeing a myriad of calls and messages from his friends.
From lily pad
[tuesday 9:15 a.m.] hey babes! need your help w smth, text me back ASAP!!
[tuesday 5:30 p.m.] you okay james??
[tuesday: 10:17 p.m.] worried about you
James wonders if she’s only worried because she needed help. But Lily’s his friend, he thinks. Lily loves him, genuinely. She cares. He sucks it up, typing back a message.
To lily pad
[friday 8:45 a.m.] hey good morning lils
[friday 8:45 a.m.] been busy, sorry. i know it’s holiday break but i’ve got a lot going on, haha. mums making me do a bunch of stuff for my cousins pooja coming up next week
[friday 8:46 a.m.] what do you need help with? love you x
From padfeets
[wednesday 9:40 a.m.] what the fuck potter
[wednesday 9:40 a.m.] do you want to explain why regulus showed up at mine and rem’s at twelve in the bloody morning crying or should i just come over there and fucking punch you
[wednesday 9:41 a.m.] i told you not to fucking hurt him what’s wrong with you
[wednesday 9:42 a.m.] god what the fuck i can’t believe you
To padfeets
[friday 8:50 a.m.] i’m sorry.
From moonpie
[wednesday 12:56 p.m.] hey prongsie
[wednesday 12:56 p.m.] i assume sirius already messaged you. by assume, i mean i know. i’m sorry for how pissy he’s being, he’ll come around. do you want to talk about what happened?
[wednesday 12:57 p.m.] i’ll call mum and see if she can bring over some sweet rice and poori maybe :( you haven’t been eating much, i’m really worried about you…
[wednesday 12:58 p.m.] talk to me when you’re ready, okay?
[thursday 9:40 p.m.] bitch did you die or something
[thursday 9:40 p.m.] james?????????????? HELLO???? sir????? s i r????????
James musters a bit of a smile and he shakes his head.
To moonpie
[friday 8:55 a.m.] i think reg and i broke up
[friday 8:56 a.m.] it’s my fault though. i’ll be alright, though! i’m okay! how are you :) miss you. and yeah, i’ll call mum today. might go see her later.
From moonpie
[friday 8:57 a.m.] HE LIVES!!
[friday 8:58 a.m.] you don’t have to pretend that everything’s fine. i swear. you don’t have to pretend with me. i’m your brother, remember that. i love you so much. please call me if you need.
And, yeah. He knows that. He knows he doesn’t have to pretend to be okay.
But he’s not pretending. He’s fine. He’s okay. His stomach hurts, but he’s okay. He feels like he can’t breathe, but he’s okay.
He’s okay. James is okay . He’s okay, he’s fine. He’s totally fucking fine. It’s fine, everything is fine .
From peter rabbit
[thursday 8:40 a.m.] i’m really worried about you, james. i called you a few times and the girls also said they haven’t heard from you and i know siri is pissed at you but i honestly do not care. please call me back asap and let me know that you are in fact NOT dead, okay?
[thursday 8:41 a.m.] i know things have been hard, but please don’t shut me out, please don’t shut US out. any of us. esp reg, babe. he really really loves you. okay? please don’t isolate yourself.
To peter rabbit
[friday 9:02 a.m.] hey pete! i’m okay, don’t worry about me :) really, i’m fine. love you! might go see my mum later. how are you?
From mary (not the little lamb)
[thursday 8:17 p.m.] please text or call me. you’re scaring me and i’m really fucking worried about you.
To mary (not the little lamb)
[friday 9:10 a.m.] hey! i’m okay :) love u.
From padfeets
[friday 9:15 a.m.] k
James adds this to the list of reasons of why he hates himself.
-
Truly, James wishes that he’d just let somebody in before it was too late. Before he sunk to the bottom of the ocean, anchored to the sand at the bottom by the weight in his chest.
Before he even got a chance to stop it, the storm clouds in his head rolled in and he just couldn’t get away . He’d wake up to Regulus’ arms wrapped around his waist and his nose pressed against his shoulder and for some reason he’d just feel so fucking empty .
It wasn’t that he was unhappy with Regulus, no . He wasn’t unhappy with Regulus. In fact, he thinks that he’s only ever happy around Regulus. There’s a huge part of James that acknowledges that that’s extremely unhealthy. The codependency, the need to be around him all the time just to feel something other than the pain in his head, in his heart, in his fucking soul .
He just wanted it to stop. Everything . He wanted everything to stop. He just wanted to stop hurting .
James can’t recall the last time he woke up feeling excited for the day. The last time he looked forward to a cup of tea in the morning. The last time he wanted to eat a meal.
All he wanted to do was sleep. He just wanted to sleep. He wanted to sleep so bad.
Because if he sleeps, he doesn’t have to think. The thoughts will stop, meaning the pain will stop too. He won’t have to hold a smile on his face, he won’t have to stress his friends out. They won’t be worried about him. If they aren’t worried, he won’t be weighing them down.
He’s really tired of weighing them down.
-
Peter, Mary, Lily, and Dorcas force themselves into James’ flat on the Saturday morning before Christmas. It’s December 22nd. James is tired.
“Good morning, sunshine,” Peter greets James when he pushes his bedroom door open. James groans, pushing his face into his pillow. There’s a sharp pain in his head that shoots right through his skull and he winces.
“Can you close the curtains, please?”
There’s a small giggle from Dorcas and a weight dipping onto the mattress beside him, and he smells Mary’s sweet perfume filling his nose and warm arms wrapping around his waist. “You need some sunlight before you begin to wilt like a plant, darling,” Mary mumbles, wiggling until she’s settled under the covers with James, her arms around him from behind. James feels like he’s going to fucking cry at the warmth of her arms. He feels like he hasn’t been held in weeks - months .
Granted, that’s his own fault. He didn’t want to bother Regulus, didn’t want to tell him something was wrong. He didn’t want to ask to be held.
(Sirius often joked about the fact that James believed that simply existing is annoying for other people.)
But he doesn’t want to cry. Doesn’t want to scare them, worry them, stress them out. So he takes a deep breath and turns around in Mary’s arms, wrapping his own around her and burying his face in the crook of his neck. Her finger tangles in his unruly hair and he sighs contently, feeling the tension in his body subside slightly.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Peter asks quietly, and James makes a noise in disagreement, feeling tears pool in his eyes. A lump lodges itself in his throat and he squeezes his eyes shut, clenching his jaw to hold the tears ins “That’s okay, you don’t have to,” he says, sitting on the other side of the bed and placing his hand on James’ back, his palm causing warmth to curl around James’ body in a comforting way. “I could go make you some fancy mac and cheese, yeah? And Lily can bake your favorite snickerdoodles?” he suggests, and James sighs heavily, his stomach lurching again.
“Not hungry,” James murmurs, pulling away from Mary and laying down, flat on his back with his hands on his face, rubbing at his eyes. “Just sleepy. Really sleepy. I want to nap.”
“Babe,” Dorcas sighs softly, kneeling next to the bed and placing a hand on his bicep. “Your body needs fuel. I can come sit in the bathroom with you while you brush your teeth and have a shower, if you’d like? We can sing showtunes,” she suggests, giving him a little smile. James feels tears pool in his eyes again, his chest tightening and throat feeling sharp .
He shakes his head, the anxiety seeping into his brain like a virus, settling in every crease in his head. You’re too much.
Taking a deep breath in, he whispers, “I don’t want to bother you.” James blinks slowly, pulling his hands away from his face and staring up at the ceiling. The bedroom is bright, he assumes Peter opened the curtains.
The room falls completely silent with the exception of everyone’s worried breathing and James’ almost silent whimpers as he tries to hold his tears in. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry .
“You’re not bothering any of us,” Mary says softly, sitting up and reaching out, brushing his curls from his forehead and gently running her thumb across the skin. “James, what’s wrong? Please let us in,” she nearly begs and it breaks James, causing a heavy sob to crack through his throat, cutting into his chest and making his entire body shake.
He doesn’t even know where to start, is the thing. Between waking up to the feeling of nothing , forcing himself to put on a mask, to feel happy for everybody. He wants to be there for everybody, wants to help and support everyone . It’s not working, it’s not working at all. He’s doing a horrible fucking job at what he’s supposed to be good at and he feels useless. Useless because he can’t fucking help anybody, he can’t even help himself . He just wants to do something, everything for his friends. He wants to make them happy, make them smile. He doesn’t want to bring them down, doesn’t want to be a damper.
James makes a whimpering noise again, another rough sob breaking through his body and he’s fucking shaking. Convulsing . It hurts, it hurts, it hurts , and Mary’s nodding and wiping the tears away from his face with her thumb and he feels fucking pathetic because he is twenty fucking two years old and he can’t even get himself out of bed without having a fucking panic attack.
“Is touching okay?” Mary asks softly, her hand hovering over his body and he nods, then immediately feels arms wrapping around him and a chin on top of his head. He curls into the familiar body, pressing his face into her chest. “James, it’s okay to not be okay all the time. Please remember that.”
He doesn’t think that it’s okay.
-
Unfortunately for James, Sirius has a key to his flat and forces himself in on Christmas morning.
James, who hasn’t slept in six days, showered in two, and eaten since the morning before, is sitting on the ground in the middle of the living room, playing solitaire. He has his curls pulled back with one of Regulus’ black headbands and he’s wearing one of Regulus’ hoodies. His favorite, actually. It’s forest green with a snake on the back.
And the thing is, he’s aware that he looks horrible. He knows that his eyes are sunken in and purple around the edges and that he looks pale and sick, but he doesn’t want to acknowledge it. He doesn’t care very much.
“ James what the - holy shit, are you alright?”
James snorts looking up at him and he blinks tiredly, then nods. “I’m okay. I’m playing solitaire, do you want to come sit with me-“
“Prongs, you look like you haven’t slept in weeks, what the hell?” Sirius whispers, worry seeping into his voice slowly and it makes James feel pathetic. So he paints a smile onto his face and just beckons Sirius over, patting the floor. Sirius follows, eyebrow creased with concern as he lowers himself down onto the floor next to James, placing his hand on his forearm. “James, I’m sorry for snapping at you like that-“
“It’s fine,” James answers quickly, breathing out harshly. His breathing is shaky and uneasy and scared and sad and he clenches his fist, fingernails digging into his palm. “I’m okay. Don’t worry about it, you had every right,” he smiles, nodding at Sirius before turning back to his cards. He fights the tears welling up in his eyes as Sirius gently wraps his cold fingers around his arm and squeezes.
“James,” he says, voice careful. Almost like if he said the wrong thing, he’d break James. It made him feel pathetic. “I shouldn’t have snapped at you, I should’ve listened. Regulus is worried-“
“Tell him I’m fine . He doesn’t need to worry, I’m okay-“
“ Bullshit ,” Sirius hisses, and James can hear his voice getting thick, signaling tears, and he feels guilty . “He feels like shit for walking out on you, but you have to let us in, you need to let us help you . Please let me know what’s going on, I just want to help you,” Sirius whispers, reaching out and placing his hand on James’ cheek, turning his face toward him. James looks at him, tears wetting his eyelashes.
Sirius, his best friend who is reckless and loud and flamboyant and rarely ever cries, looks broken . Looks hurt . Looks scared .
All because of him.
And it hits James all at once like a huge wave crashing onto the shore and he feels everything in his body crumbling, his bones falling apart and he just breaks , everything pouring out like he’s been cracked open.
“Why did he go?”
Sirius blinks at him, not saying anything in response and that’s enough for James. That’s enough, that’s it.
He was too much for Regulus.
James just crumbles . He’s sitting, but his knees go fucking weak and he falls forward, his face plummeting into Sirius’ stomach and his chest heaves. His throat burns from the force of his cries. They’re coming out raw and loud and he’s wailing like a baby who’s just had their toy stolen from them by their older sibling and he can’t stop .
“Sirius, I - I-“
“You’re okay, James. I’m right here, I’ve got you,” Sirius whispers, pulling James closer. James feels himself being tugged into an upright position, his back against Sirius’ chest as Sirius leans against the wall and just holds him . Sirius is cradling him like a crying baby and he feels so small . “James, please -“
“I want Reg.”
“Jamie-“
“I want him,” James whimpers, pressing his face into the crook of Sirius’ neck. “Tell him I’m okay, I just want him to come back. Please -“
“Love, that isn’t why he walked out,” Sirius whispers, pressing his lips to his temple and rubbing his shoulders. James finds it hard to believe and he hiccups, choking on a sob. “He doesn’t know how to help, he feels like he isn’t doing enough for you right now,” Sirius whispers against his face. “He just wants to help and he - he feels like he’s hurting you more, and - and-“
“That’s not true ,” James nearly growls, and he grabs onto Sirius’ shirt and sobs into the fabric, snot and tears smearing onto his chest. “That’s not true, that’s not true! I need him-“
“But you shouldn’t need him to feel happy, sunshine,” Sirius murmurs, and James - fuck - James knows that. He knows that he shouldn’t be relying on Regulus. He knows .
The codependency - it’s not healthy . He knows that.
James breathes out shakily, his nose rubbing against Sirius’ chest. “What do I do?” he asks quietly, his voice weak and soft. “I don’t know what to do, what do I do? ”
It’s quiet for a moment, just the sounds of James softly crying and Sirius shushing him, lips pressed against the side of his head while he rubs his back softly, his arms wrapping tighter around his body. James feels like all of his bones are being held together by Sirius alone and he knows it’s not good. Sirius shouldn’t have to hold James together.
“I think you should start therapy, Jamie,” Sirius says simply, and James stops fucking breathing. He sits up straight, his eyebrows furrowed and tears are still streaming quickly out of his eyes as he stares at Sirius in confusion. But Sirius’ face is set in a serious expression, his eyebrows crinkling together. “Before you argue with me, I’d love to go with you. Do you remember how reluctant I was when Remus made Reg and I start therapy? Remember how I fought it so hard?” he asks, his hand running through James’ unruly curls. He twirls a strand around his finger and lets it drop, and James’ expression softens.
He bites the inside of his cheek, taking a deep breath. “But they’re going to think that I’m an idiot because I don’t have any real problems-“
“James,” Sirius sighs heavily. “James, light of my life, apple of my eye, the most important person in my life right after Remus and Regulus.” James snorts at that, wiping his tears on Sirius’ shirt. “I love you to pieces. I do. I love you madly . But you’ve got some issues, mate. You do. I’m serious.”
James rolls his eyes. “I know you’re Sirius-“
“Don’t change the subject, obnoxious prat,” Sirius hisses, slapping the back of James’ head. James lets out a cackle, his head falling back into Sirius’ chest. He laughs into it, tangling his fingers in the fabric of his shirt again. “James, I’m serious. I think you would benefit from at least a psych evaluation and a few sessions. I really think you need it. I know you don’t want to, and I know it seems scary, but you need help .”
James blinks slowly.
“Can I ask a stupid question?” James asks quietly, blinking slowly and sniffling, wiping his nose on his hand.
“You just did.”
“I’ll fucking kill you.”
“If you kill me, you’ll never have an answer for your question,” Sirius sings, and James giggles, moving closer to him. Sirius laughs too, the laugh rumbling deep in his chest and making James’ head shake.
He takes a deep breath, hands a bit shaky and head a bit foggy, but he asks the question anyway, hoping that it won’t make Sirius upset. “Are you sure,” he pauses, swallowing thickly. “That - that I can go to therapy, like, even if I don’t have big, big problems? Because - because my mum and dad were nice to me growing up and - and-“
“Just because you had a good childhood does not mean you can’t struggle with mental health issues, Jamie.”
Then a breath that James didn’t know he was holding finally falls out of his body, his chest deflating like a balloon. His body relaxes like a puppet cut from its strings and he falls limp against Sirius’ body. Relief floods his body, and while he doesn’t feel exactly okay , the situation does.
-
James still doesn’t think that he should go to therapy. Personally, he feels like there’s no point for him to go. What would he talk about? He’s not really sure.
But he knows that it’s almost new years. Actually, it’s new year’s eve. He’s at Sirius and Remus’ house, sitting out on the balcony with a drink in his hand and a blanket wrapped around his shoulders. He hasn’t slept much in the past few days. James feels tired . His body is tired, his mind is tired.
Lately, his friends haven’t been talking to them about their issues. It makes him feel a little bit guilty when he hears Dorcas say something to Marlene about how Peter had a horrible day at work or school. He feels a bit nauseous when he hears Sirius mention that Regulus was struggling with his maths lecture.
He just wants to help . They won’t even let him.
It makes him feel a bit useless, honestly.
James rests his head against the wall behind him, bringing his knees up to his chest and taking a sip of his drink, feeling it burn his throat before he places it on the ground beside him. He closes his eyes, his head tilted up, the cold air around him tickling his nose and his throat and his lungs. It’s nice to feel something, he thinks.
His body and mind are both a little bit fuzzy from the alcohol, the cold, and the noise coming from the house, but he doesn’t mind. It’s something, he thinks. It feels good, really.
Vaguely, he registers the door clicking open and then shutting and the smell of citrus and vanilla filling his senses, and he cracks one eye open, looking at the balcony door, and his heart drops .
James feels his throat tightening up and despite the alcohol in his system, his mind immediately feels clear and alert and he sits up straight, clearing his throat as both of his eyes widen.
They’re both staring at each other, the sounds of the night and the party downstairs ringing, but neither of them hear anything but each other.
And then he’s sitting right beside James.
“Hi.”
James swallows around the lump in his throat. “Hi, Reg,” he says quietly, picking his cup up and taking a sip. “How are-“
“I miss you. Madly,” Regulus says, turning his head toward James. It’s then that James gets a chance to really take in the way Regulus looks and it makes him feel fucking sick . “James,” he croaks out, and the tears spill out of James’ eyes immediately.
It’s okay to feel, he thinks. It’s okay to cry. Sirius says it’s okay to cry. If Sirius says it, it must be true, right? Sirius never lies to him.
Regulus’ eyes are rimmed red and dark and he looks like he’s been crying. He looks like he hasn’t slept . It makes his chest ache .
“James,” Regulus whispers softly, opening his arms and James moves closer, pushing his way between Regulus’ open legs and resting himself against his chest, letting out a soft sob. “Jamie, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left you like that, I shouldn’t have walked out, I -“
“It’s okay.”
“Don’t you dare say it’s okay, because it’s not and you know that,” Regulus tries to growl, but it comes out as more of a choked sob as he presses kisses to the side of his head. “You needed me and I wasn’t there for you, and I’m so sorry. Extremely sorry. I know that the apology does nothing, but I want you to know that I’m sorry.”
“It’s-“
“If you say it’s okay or you apologize, I’ll kill you,” Regulus warns, and James chuckles under his breath.
“Wouldn’t mind that,” he murmurs, mostly as a joke. twisting his fingers in Regulus’ shirt and he feels Regulus’ arms wrapping tighter around his body, along with a rough sob cutting through his throat.
Regulus is whispering something, but James can’t make it out. He tilts his head up, placing one hand on Regulus’ cheek and he wipes his tears away with his thumb, leaning in to kiss the corner of his mouth. “Don’t say that, James, my god ,” Regulus whimpers. “Why would you say that? I don’t want you dead , what the fuck? James I - I can’t, I -“
“Baby, please don’t cry-“
“I’m so scared , James,” Regulus whispers, hugging him tighter. “I’m scared that I’m going to wake up some day, and you’re not going to be breathing anymore and - and I don’t know how to help you . I just want to help . I don’t know what’s wrong, but I - I hate seeing you like this and - and I just want to help ,” he begs, bringing one hand to rest on James’ cheek despite the awkward position they’re sitting in. “Let me help you-“
“Regulus,” James whispers, a tear falling down his own cheek. Regulus wipes it away with the pad of his thumb and nods, prompting him to continue speaking. “I think we need to take some time apart,” he whispers, and it hurts more than he thinks because Regulus’ face drops and James swears he can hear Regulus’ heart hitting the bottom of the ocean. As quickly as the words come out, he adds, “Not forever. Just… maybe a few weeks. I - I don’t think that - that it’s healthy for us to be together right now - I don’t - I don’t think that I’m healthy enough to be in a relationship and - and I just,” he takes a shaky breath and looks up at him, his lip quivering, a warm tear falling down his cheek. “I can’t do it right now, I’m sorry-“
“You’re not allowed to say you’re sorry, my sweet boy,” Regulus chuckles wetly, stroking the tear away from his face and leaning in to kiss his nose. “That’s okay, and I’m unbelievably proud of you for doing what’s best for you, baby.” Regulus’ eyes are sparkling with tears and affection and he feels his heart clenching. James doesn’t think that he can talk without sobbing, so he just nods and leans up, brushing their lips together in a feather light kiss that makes his entire body spark with electricity. “Would you like me to stay with Siri and Rem for a few weeks? Would it make things easier-“
“I,” he coughs, sniffling as he presses his nose into Regulus’ chest. “I think that, uh, I need you, like, as a friend… to be there for me right now… And I really want you in my space because - because I think it’ll help-“
“That’s okay, honey. I’ll stay with you. I can sleep in the guest room and you can sleep in our room?”
James hums with a nod and he smiles, blinking sleepily at Regulus.
“It’s just a little break. I, uh, I’ll come to you when I’m ready?” he offers, raising both of his eyebrows in a hopeful expression. He watches as hope blooms across Regulus’ face and he nods, leaning down to press a gentle kiss onto James’ forehead. “Are we going to be okay?” he asks.
Regulus doesn’t answer right away, and it makes James a bit nervous, but then Regulus’ presses a soft kiss onto James’ lips and rubs their noses together, which gives James his answer.
And it’ll be okay. It really will be okay. Things will be fine, James thinks. He thinks that everything’s going to be okay.
-
James has his psych evaluation on January 15th, and Regulus goes with him. Regulus holds his hand in the waiting room and when the doctor comes out and calls for James, Regulus squeezes his hand in encouragement and smiles at him, telling James to call him when he gets out.
It’s a bit awkward. Talking about himself. He doesn’t like it. He feels like he’s being self absorbed and selfish and stupid, but Ms. Pince, the psychiatrist, doesn’t seem to think so.
Shockingly, James ends up crying. He’s crying so hard that snot is running down his face and over his lips and he’s shaking and he’s used two boxes of tissues, but Ms. Pince tells him that it’s okay and feeling sad is okay, even if you don’t have a reason . She lets him know that it happens and that’s okay . Because he’s a human being.
On January 15th, James gets diagnosed with major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and panic disorder. He doesn’t really understand how he could have depression and anxiety without having any trauma, but Ms. Pince explains that even people who aren’t traumatized can be mentally ill.
He learns that day that he has a chemical imbalance in his brain.
He starts therapy on January 20th.
Ms. Pince plans for him to start medication soon.
-
When James comes out of the room, Regulus is sitting in one of the chairs, his earbuds plugged in and his knee bouncing along to whatever song he’s listening to. James’ heart swells in his chest and he feels like he’s going to burst .
Because Regulus cares about him so much . James was in that room for about two hours, and Regulus just sat there and waited . He’d told James that he would walk around for a bit, but it looks like he didn’t at all.
He walks right up to him and taps him on the shoulder, a weak smile on his lips when Regulus looks up at him, face morphing from confusion to glee as he stands up to look at James, placing one hand on his cheek. James leans into it, his cheek burning from the simple touch on his face.
“How did it go?” Regulus asks quietly, stroking his cheek, and James shrugs, reaching his arms out a bit, silently asking for a hug. Regulus takes the hint and wraps his arms around James’ shoulders, pulling him down so that his face falls into the crook of his neck. James breathes in slowly, wrapping his arms around Regulus’ waist. He inhaled slowly, Regulus’ scent permeating his senses and warming him from his toes to the top of his head. “Wanna get out of here and go eat something? We can get pancakes, or we can go to the bakery-“
“Wanna go home,” James murmurs in the crook of his neck. “I feel really tired after that. Really sleepy. I want to lay down,” he admits, and he feels Regulus nodding against the side of his face.
“That’s okay,” Regulus replies, tangling a hand in his hair. “I’ll drive. Keys?” he asks, pulling away from James and holding his hand out, wiggling his fingers a bit. James can’t help but laugh lightly at him, shaking his head as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out his car keys, placing them in his hand. “Is there anything else that’ll help right now, Jamie?” Regulus asks softly, stroking his hair before pulling his hand away slowly, giving him a small smile.
And, honestly? James doesn’t really need anything else besides Regulus. And maybe a blanket. Mostly Regulus, though.
“You being here is enough,” James answers honestly, and Regulus beams at him. It’s enough to make his heart so warm that he feels like he’s on fucking fire.
-
Therapy is okay, James thinks. It’s hard at first, but it’s okay.
His therapist’s name is Doctor Pomfrey and she’s very, very kind. Not only is she kind, but she’s hilarious and a wonderful listener. One thing that James appreciates is the fact that she doesn’t interrupt him when he talks, she lets him finish and then she chimes in. Everything he says seems important to her. He seems important to her.
It’s really difficult at first. He doesn’t get into anything serious because he feels like it’ll backfire. He’s afraid that he’s going to make her upset or that she will think he’s stupid. James is truly afraid of being too much, even for his therapist .
He talks about his mum at first. James tells Pomfrey that his mum’s name is Euphemia but she likes to be called Effie because it makes her sound younger.
(She laughed at that.)
He tells her about how Marlene always calls his mum hot and he hates her for it and he tells her about how she would kiss his cuts and bruises up until he was seventeen years old.
If James wanted her to, Effie would still kiss his bruises.
He talks about his dad, Fleamont, and how he taught him how to play rugby when he was the ripe age of five years old. He talks about how he and his dad would stay up until ungodly hours chatting at the kitchen table over a bowl of two a.m. cereal. How he’d fall asleep on Monty’s lap and he would cry when Monty tried to put him in his own bed.
When his father died, James felt nothing .
It felt like he lost his best friend.
James talks about school. He talks about primary and secondary school and how he’d always been at the top of his class. When his grades would drop, he’d just study harder and harder and harder. It got to a point where he didn’t sleep at all. He said that he needed to work harder. He has to do better. If he doesn’t do better, his dad won’t be proud. It’s not that Monty said he’s not doing well, but it’s that he always said he’s so smart because his grades were so good.
He wonders if his father would hate him for his grades not being as good as they used to be.
He talks about Sirius and Regulus and their family. The way Walburga and Orion horribly abused both Sirius and Regulus and he just wanted to help them . He knew that he couldn’t fix them, but he wanted to. He talks about the way Regulus would sob until his throat was raw and the way Sirius would punch the wall until his fists were cut open. He talks about how he held Regulus until his sobs slowed down, until it stopped hurting, until he could pin a tendon to a muscle and stop the bleeding, stitch the wounds up well enough to hold him together until he could hold himself together.
James tells Pomfrey about that night. The night Regulus watched him cry and walked out without another fucking word as to why. James might have said it was okay, but it was not . It hurt . It made him feel worthless . More worthless than he had already been feeling. While he understands why Regulus did it, why he needed to step away for his own mental health, it still hurt. Understanding the reasoning didn’t mean the action didn’t hurt any less.
Pomfrey suggests that he should talk to Regulus about it. Tell him how it made him feel. Tell Regulus exactly what he told her in their therapy session that day. But only when he was ready. Only when he felt like he could handle it.
James said if he could handle it, and she laughed and said,
“You can handle it. You can handle more than you think, James.”
-
“Reggie?” James calls out softly, shuffling into Regulus’ bedroom on sock clad feet. Regulus put a shoe outside of his door, which was code for you can come in without knocking . They made that up when they decided to take a break. It was a good system, honestly.
Pushing the door open, James steps inside slowly, seeing Regulus laying on his back and holding his Nintendo switch above his head. Regulus hums, turning his head to see James standing in the doorway.
“Oh,” Regulus smiles. “Hey, Jamie. Are you okay? Come here,” he says, sitting up so that his back is resting against the pillows. He waves James over, and James smiles, walking closer to him and slowly crawling onto the bed, wiggling until he’s settled under the covers with his sock clad feet pressed against Regulus’ calves and his head on Regulus’ chest, the thrum of his life beneath his ear. “Is everything okay?” he asks quietly, pausing his game.
“No,” James whines, pressing a button on the switch and unpausing the game. “I want to see you make your little Animal Crossing island thing. Where are all of the little friends? I want to see the friends, where are the friends?” he rambles, pushing his face into Regulus’ chest. He feels Regulus’ chest rumble with a laugh and he pouts a bit when he feels fingers in his hair.
Honestly, today’s been a little bit harder than normal. He’s been on medication for about a month, Zoloft. According to Pince, it’s supposed to help with anxiety, depression, and his panic attacks. It’s been helping a bit, really. He’s able to wake up without throwing up immediately and he can walk out of the flat without hyperventilating. But today? Today he’s just so fucking sad .
Because he can’t stop thinking about his father and the way his eyes and smile could light up the night and he can’t stop thinking about his mum and how she’s getting weaker and sicker and older and he doesn’t know how to handle that. He can’t stop thinking of every bad thing he’s ever done to her, every mean thing he’s ever said, it aches . It aches because one day, he’s going to wake up and she won’t be there .
She’ll be with dad.
He can’t stop thinking about how Regulus walked out on him that night. How Regulus looked at James while he cried and said he couldn’t do it anymore. How he didn’t talk to him for almost a fucking week . It made him feel worthless . So worthless. Like nothing.
“James, honey?” Regulus murmurs. James hums, shutting his eyes and wrapping his arm around Regulus’ waist, throwing his leg over his hips in an attempt to wrap himself around Regulus. “What’s wrong? What’s on your mind, love?” he asks, turning his switch off and reaching over to place it on the bedside table. He wraps both of his arms around James, tangling his fingers in his hair and gently scratching his scalp. James hums, shaking his head and moving impossibly closer to Regulus.
“Closer,” James mutters under his breath, trying his hardest to practically crawl on top of Regulus. Regulus lets out a confused laugh and pulls James so that his body is half on top of his own and he smooths his hand down his back.
“You’re on top of me , James. How can you get any closer?”
James feels choked up all of a sudden and he shakes his head, the tears prickling in his eyes. He lets out a shaky breath, gritting his teeth to hold the tears in.
“James-“
“Why did you leave me that night?” he asks, his voice cracking. A whimper leaves his throat and he grips onto Regulus’ shirt when he feels him freeze beneath his body. “I’m - I’m not angry, I just want to know-“
“You have every right to be upset with me, James,” Regulus murmurs, fingers carding through his hair gently before his arms wrap around James’ waist. He pulls him a bit closer, causing James’ leg to slip beneath Regulus’, his chest pressed into Regulus’ right pec. He’s half on top of Regulus and he has his face pressed onto the side of Regulus’, quietly crying onto his cheek. “ Every right. I shouldn’t have walked out that night. I should have stayed, and I’m so fucking sorry-“
“It felt like - like I didn’t mean anything to you,” he whispers. “Like, when you left I - I felt like you, um, you didn’t want to - to deal with me-“
“God, James, no, ” Regulus whispers, pressing his lips to the skin on James’ forehead and James whimpers, fingers flexing on Regulus’ chest. “James, I - that’s not why - fuck ,” he breathes out, his voice becoming thick, and James squeezes his eyes shut, guilt flooding his gut because he’s just made Regulus cry - fuck . “I - I felt like I was making things worse for you and - and I didn’t know what to do ,” he explains.
“I wanted to get Sirius for you but by the time I got to the house I was crying so hard that he made me come in and go straight to bed and I didn’t even get a chance to explain and then he told me I should give you some space and I just - fuck . I didn’t realize how it looked to you and I - I should have at least called you and I’m so sorry - and don’t you dare say that it’s okay because it is not and I will never do that to you again, James, god . I swear on everything I love that I will be here, okay? Please don’t be scared to talk to me, I won’t do that to you again.”
“I just,” James exhales shakily, then lets out a laugh that sounds more like a sob. It’s humorless and a bit pained and it prompts Regulus to pull him closer and kiss his forehead again. “I needed you, and - and you weren’t there and - and I’m - I’m scared of making you hate me -“
“James,” Regulus croaks, placing his hand on his cheek and tilting his head upwards. “James,” he breathes out again, and his heart clenches in his chest, a tear falling down his cheek slowly. “I’m not going to leave and I certainly do not hate you, baby. I don’t hate you. I’m not going to leave you, okay? Not again. I promise. I swear . Not again.”
James just blinks at him, the words slowly seeping into his brain, settling in the back of his skull. He clenches his jaw, nodding as he leans forward and nosing at his cheek before pressing his face into the crook of Regulus’ neck.
It hurts that he has to say not again .
-
“I don’t know,” James sighs, adjusting his position on the floor and squishing the clay that he’s holding, pressing his back against the bottom of the chair. “I just - I know that he’s, like, not going to hurt me like that again? But - but it just really hurt that - that he just walked out like that, you know?” he murmurs, ripping the clay in half. “I just - I really love him and - I don’t really know what to say to him.”
Pomfrey hums at him. “Have you talked to him about it at all?”
“Yeah,” James says softly, bringing his knees up to his chest. “We, uh, we talked and, uh, I told him that it made me feel like he didn’t want me or want to deal with me, if that makes sense?” he says, words uncertain. “I don’t know.”
“Do you think that you’re afraid of being vulnerable because you think that it’s too much for people?”
James shrugs. “I don’t like being emotional,” he says quietly. “I just - I wanna be there for everybody and - and if I’m sad or - or if I’m crying, I can’t be there for everyone and I don’t want them to be angry… I feel like I should, like, be happy for them? Because if I’m not happy, then I’m stressing them out and then nobody else is like, satisfied,” he rambles, letting out a shaky breath. Tears well up in his eyes and he blinks them away, looking down at the floor.
“You don’t have to be happy for anybody, James,” Pomfrey says, smiling gently at him. “Being sad is okay. Being vulnerable is okay. You have to allow yourself to feel those feelings. Bottling them up will only hurt you more and it’s okay to surround yourself with people you trust and people who you can talk to. Even if you don’t want to talk about it, if you don’t want to tell them what’s happening in your head, you’re allowed to go to them and just ask for them to be there.”
“And I think that you and Regulus are doing the right thing by taking things slow. It’s what’s best for you and for him so that you can both build that trust up again.”
James nods, swallowing thickly and biting down on his lip.
“Do you think that I should ask him why he left again?“ he asks, drawing shapes on the rough denim of his jeans. “Do you think he’ll be angry with me?” He lifts his head, blinking slowly at Pomfrey and she chuckles, shaking her head.
“I think,” she starts, leaning over onto her lap, resting her elbows on her knees. “That Regulus will listen to you and hear you out because he loves you. And if you’re scared, maybe you can ask Lily or Sirius to be there as a buffer for you. But from what you’ve told me about this guy, he sounds like he would do anything for you.”
A breathy laugh leaves James’ mouth and he nods, a soft smile breaking out onto his lips.
“Yeah,” he breathes out softly. “He would.”
-
It gets a little bit easier, eventually. Between going to therapy, talking to Regulus about how he really feels, forcing himself to go out with his friends when he’s feeling sad so that he won’t put himself through any mental anguish. It all gets a little bit easier.
Because he’s able to go out into the living room and sit next to Regulus and say:
“Hey, can we talk?”
Regulus hums, looking up from his book with a confused look, but he nods nonetheless. “What’s up?” he asks, putting his book down and adjusting his position on the sofa. “Are you alright?”
James takes a deep breath, nodding. He holds his breath, walking over to the sofa and sitting down next to him, folding his legs in a pretzel and placing his hands on his ankles, rocking side to side a little bit to calm his nerves. His stomach feels a bit queasy, but he swallows and looks at Regulus, a soft smile on his lips.
“I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like you weren’t helpful,” he says quietly. “And I’m also sorry for - for taking everything out on you sometimes. But I, uh, I also want to know, like, why you left?” he asks, and Regulus furrows his eyebrows at him.
“I told you-“
“The truth,” James sighs. “Really, Reg. Tell me the truth. Please,” he asks softly, eyes flickering across Regulus’ face. “I want to know.”
Regulus heaves a heavy sigh that makes James’ heart twinge and he winces, looking away. He blinks back the tears that form in his eyes and he squeezes his eyes shut right after, turning his head the other way. “I’m sorry-“
“No,” Regulus breathes out, and James feels Regulus’ hand wrapping around his own. He looks up, taking in a sharp breath before looking down at their joined hands. He feels his stomach do a flip and he turns his palm, spreading his fingers so that their fingers slide in the spaces between each other’s. “I’ll tell you, baby.”
James scrunches his nose up at the pet name, his cheeks flushing slightly.
“I was,” Regulus swallows thickly. James squeezes his hand, his thumb rubbing circles on the back of his knuckles. “I was really scared? I guess… I didn’t know what to do and - and I felt like I wasn’t helping at all… seeing you reminded me so much of Sirius when he got kicked out and - and I just wanted to talk to Sirius about it but I didn’t know how you would take that so I just - I just left to get him myself but as soon as I got there, I was crying so hard he thought that you did something to me and he told me I needed to take some time away from you, so I stayed with him,” he explains, and James can hear his voice getting thicker with tears building in his throat.
James’ heart aches because of the way Regulus looks and he wants to reach out and kiss the expression off of his face, he just wants him to not be sad .
He concludes that Regulus probably felt the same way about him. Regulus probably looked at him and wanted to help so badly . He just wanted to help .
And James wouldn’t let him.
“I’m s-“
“You aren’t allowed to say the S word, James,” Regulus chuckles wetly. James scrunches his nose up and clamps his mouth shut, then sticks his tongue out at Regulus. “I understand why you wouldn’t let me help. I know that… that you felt like you would burden me, but I want you to know that you are the furthest thing from a burden, James,” he says, his fingers pressing into James’ veins, and James feels his pulse ticking faster and faster and faster .
“You are not a burden. You never burden me, okay? I love you more than all of the stars in the sky and - and more than - than anything, actually. To the moon and Saturn, okay? I love you so much. I will not leave you because you’re sad, baby. Okay?”
It’s funny, really. The fact that a few therapy sessions made it a little bit easier for James to trust. A bit easier for him to believe things that people tell him; to believe that they want him.
And he’s really, really fucking glad, honestly, that Sirius forced him out of bed and off of his arse to go to therapy. He’s glad . It’s helping . Genuinely. Really .
It’s okay. Really . For the first time in a long time, it’s okay