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James cast a quick cleansing spell over his exhausted and sweaty body, feeling the refreshing effect almost immediately. He then took a swift sniff under his pits, checking if it really worked and ran a hand through his curls, trying his best to tame them. Letting out a deep breath he deemed himself presentable before approaching the pair waiting for him just outside the Quidditch field parameter, waving and grinning.
"Snape, Evans, thanks for being here today," he said cooly, leaning a little against his broom in a way he hoped to look effortless.
Lily was the first one to speak up. Her red hair flowed in the wind in every direction and she flashed James a grin that made his knees buckle just a little bit. Good thing he was leaning on that broom.
"Congrats on winning," she congratulated him.
"Yeah, Congratulations," Severus added.
His stiff expressions were the complete opposite of Lily's open gestures of straightforward affection. His eyes shifted up just for a few seconds as he spoke before glancing back down at the grass where he was kicking the grass under his shoes. He is so cute, James thought as his heart ran miles inside his chest.
He could tell that the other had to be dragged to the stands to actually watch the game, but James was too grateful he actually came by to complain about details like that. James couldn't afford to be picky about Severus' motivation to show.
It was a well-known fact that James had been courting Lily Evans (or trying to) since their second year, but little did anyone know that she wasn't the only object of his affections.
Around fourth year was the time around which his animosity towards Severus ended.
Lily had always been vocal about how much she valued the Slytherins' well-being, but in fourth year it had finally clicked that James would rue the day that he bothered Severus again. It not only clicked because Lily literally yelled at him that ‘You will rue the day Potter!’, but also because he had seen the way the two had stood together.
James had realized that Lily and Severus were a team. Lily without Severus was a closed-off, shallowly polite girl that pulled away quicker than a Snitch and Severus without Lily was a moody boy out for blood. James found he was craving their duality. He didn't want it any other way.
So, James, unsure what it was he was feeling about Severus, left the boy alone for a bit before he decided to find out exactly what his deal was. He was basically sticky charmed to Lily by the hip, James could never get rid of him.
It started with begging Lily to let him partner up with Severus during potions and moved to the three doing homework together in the library or studying together near the great lake. In time James started to see the boy for who he really was, who he was blind to before. Severus was wicked, smart, ambitious, loyal, and just as fierce as the fiery storm called Lily. A spitfire all of his own. How could he not fall for both of them? It was nearly impossible not to.
"I know how much you hate these games, Snape. I really appreciate you coming," James said, smiling at the thought. God, he was so hopeless for the witch and wizard duo.
Snape looked up, rolling his eyes. If James didn't know Severus a bit better by now, he would say that the boy hated him, or merely tolerated him because Lily wanted him around. But he knew Severus enough to know what every single way he pinched his eyebrows meant. Sometimes it meant sheer annoyance at James during class, or boredom when the three would study divination, his least favourite subject, and sometimes it was affectionate. James had seen him do it to Lily enough times to recognize the expression and its meaning.
James also knew that Severus would never bother with all these expressions if he merely tolerated him. Severus' brand of ‘tolerating’ was blank disinterest.
"Anyway, there's an afterparty in the Gryffindor common room right after we change. You guys want to come?" James asked, hoping to pull another reaction out of the dynamic duo.
Lily visibly frowned, "I would love to, but we're having some kind of girls' night in honour of Marlene's birthday at midnight and attendance is mandatory."
She linked her arms with Severus and turned to him, eyes big in faux-innocence, "But Sev, you have no plans, correct?"
"Lily," Severus quickly looked up and glared, his nose scrunching in the cutest way. They all knew what the Gryffindor was doing, And James chuckled because he knew she’d get her way.
"He would love to go," she promised, giving Severus a wink that James couldn’t find in himself to feel jealous about.
"Lils-"
"Come on, Snape, it'll be fun," James tried, leaning forward to nudge Snape in the arm a little. If he couldn't have both at the party, he wanted at least one of them there. There was no way he could have fun all night with both Severus and Lily on his mind, without either there. "I'll look after you I promise."
Now Severus turned to glare at James and it took everything in the Quidditch prodigy to not melt on the spot.
"Oh, will you?" The sarcasm was layered thick in Severus' voice as he rolled his eyes once more. James chuckled, expecting nothing less from the Slytherin.
"Please? I just won a game."
"Fine," Severus muttered. "I'm staying for one hour. One."
"I'll take it! Have fun at your party Ev-" James grinned, he was about to link arms with Severus while Lily let go, but instead of letting him escort the beautiful wizard to the celebrations she yanked him to the side with no grace or consideration of his aching body.
"What are you doing?" Severus asked, furrowing his brows at his best friend.
"This will only take a second Sev, I need to tell James something really quick. It’s about Muggle Studies homework," Lily said with a sickly sweet smile. James heard Severus mutter something about ridiculous Gryffindors before he was dragged a few feet away from Severus who was now sulking about being left out.
"Potter," Lily glared at him. James started wondering what he did wrong now. Then he wondered if he could replicate it so Lily would keep glaring like that. She looked incredibly handsome like that. Lily continued, painfully poking his chest with her finger.
"If you let your goons mess with him tonight you'll have me to answer to. I know Sev isn't above hexing your arses off and I just wanted to make it clear that that will be the pleasant part of the consequences. You copy that?"
A smirk overtook Jame's mouth. Lily was so protective of Severus. It was endearing. And just… really cool. James already knew that the only ‘goon’ he had to worry about was Sirius. Peter and Remus would never be stupid enough to risk Lily’s unchecked wrath.
And it’s not like he would ever let Sirius do anything to harm Severus, physically or otherwise. There was a small voice going ‘ Not anymore ’ but it was easily squashed. Similarly how Lily was squashing his arms in her death vice that she called a hand.
“Potter, I asked you something.” she hissed. “ You copy that? ”
"Ouch, ouch, Alright, I won’t! Let me go I'm sore all over" He whined, trying to free himself out of her hands.
"That's nothing compared to what I'll do to you, James darling," she suddenly said playfully, softening her grip and leaning in to give him a quick peck on the cheek. James rubbed his aching arm dazed and watched her walk back to Severus to give him a hug and whisper something into his ear before she strolled away.
He shook his head fondly before making his way back to Severus. "You ready?"
"I want to say no," Severus sighed, taking his hands out of his pocket just to cross them over his chest.
"Let's go, you big drama queen," James laughed at the stoic response, gripping his broom tightly with his left hand. He walked side by side with Severus, the finger of his right hand occasionally brushed against the others and James wished he had the courage to grab Severus' hand. He couldn't help but wonder, where was that Gryffindor bravery everyone always blathered so much about?
–
The party was loud and crowded as most of the victory parties celebrated in the Gryffindor tower. The whole common room was packed, not only with lions but with people from all the houses. Even some Puffs’ showed, despite being on the losing team. Really, this was just an excuse for the upper classes to get wasted.
After a quick shower and change of clothes, James made his way down to the party. He was immediately greeted by a surge of loud claps.
"Let's hear it for our captain and the best damn Chaser in all of Hogwarts!" Sirius yelled and the entire room erupted in cheers. James chuckled, bumping as many fists and taking as many hugs as he could. He quickly made his way through the small crowd with only one thing on his mind. Well, one person. Severus.
Before he had vanished to the shower he had asked Remus to keep an eye on the Slytherin, if only to make sure nobody would mess with him. Severus almost bit his head off saying he's not a piece of property, nor a pet or child that needed looking after. James had wondered what would make Lily angrier at him, insinuating ownership over Severus or allowing the other to potentially end in a compromised situation.
He didn’t have much time to ponder as Severus threatened to leave if James didn’t go and shower right this instant. Never in his life had James been that quick in the shower. Of course, none of that mattered, because once he was back down Severus was nowhere to be found.
"Hey mate," he approached Sirius Who mirrored his grin. The other threw his arm around James' neck.
"Jamie! Jamesie! Prongsilett, " Sirius drawled out, especially the last of those nicknames.
James could already tell that the cup in his hand was not his first one. Nor his second. Chances were it was also far from his last.
"Have you seen Snape?" James asked, looking around the room for good measure.
"You really brought him? Moony told me but I refused to actually believe it," Sirius huffed, facing morphing into that smirk he usually had whenever the name Snape was mentioned. While James liked to think he himself matured past their silly childhood rivals, Sirius hadn't quite done the same. Or even attempted to, really. But at least James could tell that he was trying to come around to the fact that James had actual feelings for the Slytherin boy.
Even if Sirius would never warm up to Severus himself, he kept his comments mostly to himself.
James rolled his eyes, "Yes, I really ‘brought’ him. So? Have you seen him?"
Sirius giggled and went on to be incredibly useless in locating the Slytherin. Before James could get any more agitated, Remus suddenly appeared, pulling him back a bit by the shoulder, "James, mate, hi. Snape wanted to be alone so I left him by the stairs." he pointed to a little corner where James spotted the mop of dark hair sitting in the corner.
Before Sirius or Remus could say anything else James was gone, pressing himself through the other students to get to the stairs leading up to the boys' dorms.
He knew Severus wasn't the partying kind -- far from it actually. And he knew it was selfish to want him there, want both him and Lily there, to be with him and have fun with him. Despite all that he couldn’t stop walking toward Severus with a tight feeling in his chest. Severus was sitting down on the floor next to the stairs, his legs crossed and on his lap a book that James was sure the other had sneaked with him knowing he’d end up in this situation. James approached him carefully, making sure to banish all vaguely unsatisfied expressions on his face and only show the most brilliant grin.
"Hey Sev, been looking for you," He smiled, leaning against the railing with his arms crossed and looking down at him.
"Whatcha doing?"
Severus looked up from the book, his eyes peeking out between the black strands of hair curtaining his face.
"Reading."
"Whatcha’ reading?"
"Surely you know what a book is, Potter," he glanced back down before James could see him roll his eyes, but the Gryffindor knew for a fact that he did.
James decided that there was absolutely no way he would let Severus sit in a corner and read all night long. He wanted to see him come to life a bit, not sulk over a book all night! He gently grabbed the book from Severus' grasp – which was not easy because the boy clung to the book like a lifeline – and pulled out his wand to shrink it down and drop it in his pocket. Perks of being a Transfiguration prodigy.
"You're at a party. Let's dance, let's eat, let's drink. Your book is safe I promise."
"I don't drink," Severus replied quickly, prompting James to roll his eyes. Of course, Severus would go cherry-pick the one thing and use it as an excuse. Slytherins.
Well, two could play at that game.
"Who doesn't drink? It's a party, come on, don’t be a bore Snappy!"
"I don't drink James. Let me go," Severus huffed, indignation burned into his voice. The Slytherin pulled his arm out of James' grasp, staring him down with a scowl on his usually pale face. Now it was just a burning red.
James blinked slowly and was dumbfounded. He hadn't seen that scowl or heard that tone in a while. Since their third year actually. In a moment of shock, Severus got up, slipping past the Gryffindor and pushing himself through the small crowd.
Several people noticed, looking at James, whispering. He barely noticed until Sirius' hand fell on his elbow.
"James, mate-"
"I have to go after him." James sputtered, caught off guard by himself.
Not bothering to wait for an answer he started pushing past the crowd.
Outside of the portrait, he looked around the stairwell, but there was no trace of the distressed Slytherin. He ran up and down for a solid twenty minutes, cursing whenever the staircase moved before running into (or through) a familiar face.
"Are you the one who made poor Severus cry?" It was Nearly Headless Nick floating through the stairs and James immediately stopped at the mention of Severus' name.
"Have you seen him? Do you know where he went?" he asked, frantically.
The ghost eyed him for a few seconds before letting out a sigh.
"He was heading up."
The astronomy tower, James thought, hitting his forehead with the flat of his palm. Of course! It was Severus' favourite place in the castle save from the potions lab. He quickly remembered to thank the ghost before making his way up the tower.
James didn't know what to expect, for some reason he imagined Severus peering up the sky, smoking one of those muggle mini-cigars like he had seen him do back in coke worth last summer when he had been for a visit.
Instead, Severus was on the floor, leaning on the railing. His knees were pulled up to his chest as he hugged them and muttered something over and over again.
Only after stepping a little closer could James begin to make the words out.
"-- not him. I'm not him. I'm not him. I'm not –"
James wasn't sure who Severud was referring to but he had a hunch. He wasn’t an idiot, he knew that things weren’t sunshine and rainbows for everyone. James and Lily both had the luxury of growing up in a home with two loving parents. Lily even talked a lot about her sister, Petunia, and even if James didn’t like Tuney he envied Lily for the sibling he always wanted.
He also knew Severus was not that lucky, a bit like Sirius actually. Unlike Sirius, James didn’t know what exactly Severus' homelife looked like. The topic never came up organically. And James never dared ask.
But now, finding Severus crying on the cold floor of the astronomy tower, hugging his own body while repeating the same words to himself over and over again–
James' heart shattered in his chest, the pieces puncturing his ribcage. He wished he had the guts to have asked before this happened.
He took out his wand and quickly cast a Patronus to find Lily. “Astronomy tower. Quick. I messed up.” was the only thing he said, wincing. Lily wouldn’t leave James alone with Severus ever again.
He turned to the heap of a boy and took a deep breath.
"Sev," He murmured softly as he knelt down to Severus' level. Dark, watery eyes shot open and the Slytherin gaped at him. Though the only light source was the waning moon James could see those eyes all too clearly and the tears that glistened in them. James knew he did this. He pushed Severus into attending that stupid party, forced him to give up the comfort of his book and badgered him to drink.
"I'm so sorry," He found himself whispering. His hand flew to Severus' hair, pushing the long strands away from his face. "I had no idea."
"I'm not him." Severus simply croaked, voice rough with unshed tears. "I'm not him."
"You're not," James pulled him into a hug and ran a hand down his back. Severus shook in his arms repeating those same words over and over again and for Merlin's sodding beard, James wished he knew what hurt Severus so badly.
He wanted to cry, but he swallowed his tears and whispered another, "I'm so sorry."
"You didn't know,"
Relief washed through James when Severus finally said something different. The Slytherin pulled back and wiped his nose with the back of his hand. James wiped the stray tears on his face with the pad of his thumb.
"How could you have known?"
"I knew you weren’t the party type and you just told me you didn’t drink and I still made you come because I selfishly just wanted you there and I still tried to make you drink because I didn’t think ."
"I wanted to go," Severus averted his eyes. “And yeah, I guess you are quite daft but that is nothing short of expected, Potter.”
James sighed, he was still holding Severus' face in his hands. The skin beneath his fingertips was so warm, so soft. "I'm still sorry. I should've listened the first time when you said you don't drink."
"My father," Severus started, slowly, and James' stomach lurched.
"Whenever he drank, it was as if he became an entirely different person. He became someone who yelled, threw bottles at the wall and occasionally beat on his wife and child.” Severus rasped out, starting to shake again. James suddenly had the urge to cast a silencing charm, to somehow stop Severus from reliving something that so clearly revulsed him.
“He was unhinged at times. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to be like him. I'm not him."
He was sobbing again, and at this point so was James. The two didn't even hear the quiet footsteps tapping up the staircase until James smelled peaches. Lily's signature scent.
"Sev," She whispered. Severus looked up and all but jumped into Lily's arms. She wrapped her arms around the lanky figure while James sat back and watched the soft moment unfold.
"Lovey,” Lily murmured, and James didn’t know if she was being sarcastic or if she was just calling Severus that. The way she carded her fingers through his hair he tipped on the latter. “What happened?"
"I don't want to be like him, Lily," Severus managed between small sobs. Lily seemed to immediately catch on if the way she tensed up was anything to go off of. She turned and whispered to James, "Alcohol?"
James nodded, feeling another wave of shame wash through his limbs. "I didn't know. I'm so sorry," he explained morosely.
"It's not your fault.” she immediately admonished and James found himself caught off guard by that kindness.
“Thanks for getting me," She then added in a whispered voice and with a small smile on her pretty lips. The smile didn’t last too long as she pulled back and held Severus' face in his hands just the way James was doing before.
"Sev, love. It's okay. You're okay. You're nothing like him and you could never be. You are so sweet and kind and so, so bright. Nothing like him. You're everything."
Severus nodded. The two just stared at each other for several minutes, Lily whispering more encouragement, heaping on praise and occasionally wiping Severus' tears away. James watched her place a kiss on his nose before Severus let out a sound that sounded so much like a giggle if doused in sadness.
And suddenly James felt like an intruder. He was intruding on this very private and intimate moment between the two.
In the beginning, James had been in denial about the way he was madly in love with Severus Snape and Lily Evans. It was, in every fashion of the word, maddening. And this was part of why it was so because the two of them were so close. So close in fact that James wondered if there could ever be enough space for another. Not any other, for him.
His head started spinning at the thought and he wondered how to best extract himself out of this bad dream he had crafted with his own two hands. He needed to give the two their space. He didn't belong there.
"Um, Do you need anything Severus? Lily?” he asked, feeling a bit numb. “I could fetch something. Water? Something to eat maybe? I can go-"
"No," Severus interrupted him, shaking his head. He reached for James' hand and held on to it tightly. "Please stay."
James' eyes were wide as he nodded, "Okay. I'll stay."
Lily smiled and moved to sit on Severus' left against the railing while James stayed on the right side. His hand was still in Severus' and a quick peek confirmed that Lily was holding the other one. The three sat in comfortable silence for several minutes.
James was staring out into the night sky, contemplating counting the stars when Severus spoke up. "I'm sorry you're missing your parties."
"Nonsense," Lily replied at the same time James said, "I don't care about that."
The three laughed slightly. James looked over at Lily and Severus looking up at the sky. They both were so beautiful in the moonlight. And every other light too. It could be absolute darkness and they would radiate beauty. James smiled and squeezed Severus' hand slightly, prompting Severus to turn and look at him.
"You're feeling okay?"
"Yeah," Severus whispered. "I'm sorry I caused a scene."
"Please stop apologizing."
Severus paused at that before nodding slowly and letting a shaky smile grace his face. "Okay."
James couldn't help but grin and lean forward to place a kiss on his cheek.
"The stars are so pretty tonight, aren't they?" Lily asked. Severus and James tilted up their heads simultaneously to look up at the sky.
“They are," James agreed with a smile. Severus simply hummed in agreement. "Look, I think I see the Big Dipper."
Lily laughed, "Where exactly are you looking at, Potty?"
"Up there look," James pointed to what he was sure was a constellation of stars.
"Not even close," Severus said, voice still scratchy but getting back to that haughtiness.
"Small Dipper then," James chuckled.
"It's little and no," Severus scoffed. “Amazing, both the Big Dipper is visible from Hogwarts all year and day round, yet you point at Saggitarius Potter. Truly Amazing.”
James looked over at Lily who was giggling while staring up at the sky as if she was truly trying to look for it.
"Okay, maybe that's their little cousin. We should call him Medium Dipper. I feel like they're in the same family."
"You're an idiot," Severus snorted but there was no malice in his voice. Just fondness. And he was smiling, smiling at James. Suddenly, a warmth overtook the Gryffindors body, spreading from the hand Severus was still holding. He looked over to Lily who had a similar smile on that beautiful face of hers directed towards him.
James grinned and leaned back against the railing. "A complete idiot."
Merlin help him, he was so in love.