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The sun was on its way to sleep in the mountains, settling beneath a blanket of thin pink clouds. Xiao’s golden eyes, now glowing in the dusk, were still a hurricane of complex emotions. They shifted every moment, like sparkling gems under a moving light. Still, he said nothing, and neither did you. Your distance may have been a few feet apart, but to you he seemed an eternity away.
Still, he hadn’t forgotten you were there, even when you stepped closer and were met with no discernible response. The yaksha closed his eyes, and for a moment you were locked out of his thoughts. It reminded you of his sleeping face back in underground, how you’d worried then about his injuries and yet bit your tongue so as not to cause any problems.
You bit back tears this time, not having a clue how to explain their cause to him.
Xiao blinked his eyes open again and turned his gaze from Pervases’ ruined sanctuary. “From this day on, heroes will always look out for each other.” That’s what he said a few minutes ago. You wished, you truly wished you could just believe him like that.
Xiao was looking at you, now, searching for something in your eyes he couldn’t find elsewhere. Observing Xiao was often like reading a stubborn book written with invisible ink, but just this once, he wet the page and let you glimpse the words within. His expression was that of a tired soldier, looking desperately for a respite he couldn’t believe he deserved. A man who’d narrowly escaped a tumultuous blizzard, unable to trust he was safe.
Your hand reached out without your knowledge. “Does this mean… You will look out for yourself as well? You won’t sacrifice yourself?” You began, picking off where he spoke last. Xiao blinked, not expecting your words. His mouth opened to speak, and then he closed it again, shifting his gaze anywhere away from you.
Your heart was in a storm of its own. About half an hour ago, you thought he was gone – you thought he was going to die. A terror so powerful had gripped you then, it still shook you while he stood before you now, being very much alive.
“Xiao,” you called, tapping his shoulder, and gently grasping it when he didn’t pull away. “You’ll… be here, right?” Your words, too, were caught in your mouth. Tears were biting at your eyes again, and this time you didn’t know how to stop them. How come your knees suddenly felt so weak and wobbly?
The yaksha noticed this time, his gaze snapping to you troubled expression, and that pitiful, painful face you were making. Why did it squeeze his heart so?
“What’s the matter? Are you injured?” Oh! What a question. To ask you this when he was the one who...
Your heart seized, and it all came crashing down on you at once. His face twisted into alarm as you sobbed aloud, tears suddenly spilling from your glassy eyes. “[Name]? [Name], What happened??” He knelt, grabbing the hand gripping his shoulder.
Your lips sealed shut, feeling both selfish and stupid all of a sudden. The wind licking your tears only served to embarrass you further. Your free hand tried fervently to wipe them away, as you tried to pull away and hide yourself somewhere far.
Xiao was stuck. He had no idea what to say, only rubbing your palm in hopes it would relax you enough to speak. “It’s… okay.” He began, tentatively.
A few moments passed before you found the strength to speak again. “I thought… I thought I-We lost you, back there.” Your pauses were filled with stifled sniffles. You couldn’t meet his gaze; surely if you did, you’d start wailing.
“You don’t know how scared… I thought you were dead. I thought…” You covered your face, fighting back more tears threatening to spill. You heaved out heavy breaths, trying to calm your nerves. If you had turned to see his face, you might have noticed the rare expression of pure shock gracing the Yaksha’s features.
“Sorry... I’m sorry, I know I’m being selfish.” He didn’t know what to say to that. How were you being selfish? He didn’t know, but he couldn’t bring himself to ask. “I just felt so scared, thinking you might be left there alone.” You continued, biting your lip hard enough to draw blood. “After everything… that you’d done…“ Your chest seemed to slow down, but hot tears still stained your cheeks.
“That is why you’re crying?” He murmured, trying to understand your frightened expression. You sniffled, finally trying you meet his gaze, and managed only a meek nod. Your eyes drifted to his hand, squeezing yours reassuringly.
“You’re… really here, right?” You hummed and squeezed his palm again. He nodded and extended his other hand, inviting you to verify for yourself. But your next question blindsided him. “Can I… can I hold you? Just for a moment?”
He seemed frozen in place, having some trouble processing your request. (404) But before you could backtrack and take your words back, he nodded and looked to the side. Your hands reached out hesitantly, and then took him into a light embrace. Your heart raced in your chest, and more tears spilled onto your cheeks. Xiao didn’t seem to mind, but had trouble finding where to put his hands. They settled on your back for the moment.
Intimacy was foreign to him. And this level of care, worry, emotion, even more so. But he felt your sniffling subside a bit, and the wracked breathing of your torso settle down. “It’s not fair, Xiao,” you started, holding him a bit tighter, grasping the moment in the fear it would leave you too soon. He only made a sound of confusion.
“Its not fair how much you suffer,” perhaps emboldened by the flood of emotions and aftershock, you were saying more than you ever intended, “When all you do is save others. I wish I could save you instead,” you spoke from the heart, knowing how painfully naïve you must have sounded to the yaksha. Alatus was over 2000 years old. He knew better than anyone there was no saving him from his karmic debt, which he feared even now would take its toll on your now fragile body, which on any other day was fit to fight a god. But when you clung to him like this, he couldn’t bare to tear you away. He didn’t have the strength today.
“Save me?” He asked, patting your shoulder. “Yes, I-I know that sounds stupid, but...” You took a breath to continue. “To think you might share the fate of the other yakshas… I can’t bear it.” What were you saying? To Xiao, you were probably just some outlander. There’s no way he would understand what you were about to say. But the tears kept spilling and you could only grasp him tighter. He was relaxed in your arms, listening attentively, albeit entirely shocked, at your words.
“I would rather... I would rather stay by you always, and die to your karma,” his whole-body shuddered at the sentence, “than let you die alone in the chasm.” He suddenly gripped your hand tightly. “No. Don’t say such things. You don’t know-” You cut him off and held him tighter, burying your face in his shoulder. “No! I-I do. I know you’ve suffered enough for a million lifetimes. You have no idea what I’d do to-to-” to take it all away. Your voice gives out in the middle of your sentence, and you sob into his warm skin. Xiao, feeling himself melt, finds a stray tear or two fall down his own cheek.
“What are you saying… I’m a yaksha, and you’re a mortal. I was- I was built for bloodshed. I was made to carry this burden. You have to live a long and peaceful life,” You know, but hearing it still cuts you like a knife, though you can feel that he cares about you through each syllable. Still, your heart is set. And you were still spouting without a filter, because you next words equally sent him spiralling into shock.
“If I could, I’d make a deal with Rex Lapis, and I’d get him to swap our places,” you heard him gasp, “So you could be the human who lives in peacetime, with the friends and family who care about and remember you,” Xiao was shocked, his body suddenly shuddering and shaking, “Stop, stop- don’t say such things. You can’t know this suffering,” He barely had the words out, but held a tight grip on you as if you’d melt away the second he let go. You quietened and allowed a few moments to pass. “But I would know it… for you. I’d do anything, so… so, please,” please don’t sacrifice yourself anymore. Your heart hammered away in your chest as you spoke, but Xiao cut you off. Knowing what you would say next, Alatus patted the back of your head. “I can’t make you any promises…” He began, “But I’ll try.” He murmured, shocked at what he was saying.
You sighed in relief and took the chance to touch his hair, pulling him close and soaking in his warmth. The sun was sleeping now, and the evening sky was your only witness.
“Thank you… thank you for everything, Xiao. You don’t know how much it means to me.”
I love you Xiao. One day, I’ll say it to you properly.
Neither of you knew, but...
he loved you too.