Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

TITLE SEQUENCE. THEME SONG PLAYS

OHHHH, A NEWLYWED COUPLE

JUST MOVED TO TOWN

A REGULAR HUSBAND AND WIFE

WHO LEFT THE BIG CITY

TO FIND A QUIET LIFE

WANDACOSMA!

SHE’S A MAGICAL GAL

IN A SMALL TOWN LOCAL

HE’S A HUBBY

WHO WEARS A FLOATING CROWN

HOW WILL THIS DO

FIT IN AND PULL THROUGH?

OH, BY SHARING A LOVE

LIKE YOU’VE NEVER SEEN

WANDACOSMA!

CUT TO INT. KITCHEN - DAY

WANDA FAIRYWINKLE-COSMA , a young and beautiful housewife (definitely not a fairy) is cleaning the dishes. With her magic wand in her left hand, she makes all of the dirty dishes float up, and with a poof! They all magically become clean. Enter her husband COSMO COSMA, a spiffy, energetic, and busy man to help support Wanda and their house. He enters reading the newspaper and Wanda doesn’t notice him. She moves on to clean a mug. She makes it fly in the air and it slams right onto Cosmo’s face, and the mug breaks into a bunch of cracked pieces on the ground.

COSMO: Oh, my wife and her flying saucers!

WANDA: My husband and his indestructible head!

She mutters something to herself.

WANDA: Which is probably why he’s always so crazy.

COSMO: Aren’t we a fine pair.

He walks up to Wanda and kisses her on the forehead. She magically repairs the mug and walks to the fridge as she speaks.

WANDA: What do you say to silver dollar pancakes, crispy hash browns, bacon, eggs, freshly squeezed orange juice, and black coffee?

COSMO: Oooh! Yes, yes yes, please!

Wanda opens the fridge, only to be confused and bewildered.

WANDA: But there’s nothing in here…

Beat.

Wanda looks over at Cosmo.

WANDA Cont’: Cosmo did you forget to go grocery shopping again?

COSMO: Uh, maybe?

Beat.

COSMO Cont’: Ok, ok! I’m sorry I forgot again, love. I know how much it means to us, to act like humans but it’s just so hard to remember! But then again we are fairies! We can just summon whatever food we want right here without paying anything!

WANDA: Well, I guess you’re right.

Wanda closes the fridge, and then something off-screen catches Cosmo’s eye.

COSMO: Wanda?

WANDA: Hmm?

COSMO: Is there something special about today?

WANDA: Well, I know the apron is a bit much, dear, but I am doing my best to blend in.

COSMO: No, no, there on the calendar. Someone’s drawn a little heart right above today’s date.

She turns to the calendar, which is currently in April.

WANDA: Oh yes, the heart.

The camera zooms in on the 20th-day square, which indeed has a heart on it.

WANDA Cont’: Well don’t tell me you have forgotten this!

COSMO: Forgotten? Oh, Wanda. I’m incapable of forgetfulness. Which actually, that was a lie cause I did say I forgot the groceries.

WANDA: So can you tell me what’s so important about today’s date?

There is a slight pause between them. Cosmo still hasn’t caught onto the answer.

COSMO: What was the question again? Oh, well, perhaps you’ve forgotten, yourself.

WANDA: Oh, Heavens, no. I’ve been so looking forward to it.

COSMO: As have I. Today, we are celebrating…

He looks expectantly at her.

WANDA: You bet we are. It’s the first time we…

Cosmo gives a nod at her.

WANDA Cont’: Have ever celebrated this occasion before.

COSMO: It’s a special day.

WANDA: Perhaps an evening.

COSMO: Of great significance.

WANDA: To us both.

COSMO: Naturally.

WANDA: Obviously.

COSMO: Exactly.

They both kiss each other on the lips.

COSMO: Well done, us. Alright. Well, that’s me off to work, then.

He grabs his suitcase and heads for the door.

WANDA: Oh! Don’t forget this, sweetie!

COSMO: Aw man, forget what now?

He looks up at his crown, floating right above his hair.

COSMO: Oh!

He laughs. Wanda with her magic wand poofs Cosmo’s fedora right on top of his head, covering the crown. He blows Wanda a kiss and she catches it.

COSMO: Have a good day, dear!

He walks out of the house and closes the door behind him. Wanda returns to the calendar and looks at it. Suddenly, she hears something. There’s a knock on her door. She clips on a light pink bow that matches her pink headband and goes to check the door.

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

Wanda bounces out of the kitchen into the living room and goes to open the door. She sees BRENDA LLIOT, a woman around Wanda’s age. She had curly dark purple hair, pale skin, and a collared purple dress with cream polka dots on it. She holds a house plant with a big red bow on it and she smiles brightly at Wanda.

BRENDA: Oh! Hello, dear. I’m Brenda, your neighbor to the right. My right, not yours. Forgive me for not stopping by sooner to welcome you to the block. My mother-in-law was in town, so I wasn’t.

She gives Wanda the houseplant and Brenda invites herself into the house.

BRENDA Cont’: So, what’s your name? Where are you from? And, most importantly, how’s your bridge game, hon?

Wanda closes the door.

WANDA: I’m Wanda.

She extends her hand out to Brenda.

BRENDA: Wanda. Charmed.

They shake hands.

BRENDA Cont’: Golly, you settled in fast! Did you use a moving company?

WANDA: I sure did.

She sets the houseplant down on a nearby table.

WANDA: Those boxes don’t move themselves!

Brenda chuckles. She walks around the living room and sits down on the couch.

BRENDA: So what’s a single gal like you doing rattling around this big house?

WANDA: Oh, no, I’m not single.

BRENDA: Oh, well I don’t see a ring.

WANDA: Well, I assure you I’m married. To a man. A human one, and tall. As a matter of fact, he’ll be home later tonight for a special occasion. Just the two of us.

BRENDA: Oh, is it somebody’s birthday?

WANDA: Not a birthday.

BRENDA: Well, today isn’t a holiday, isn’t it?

WANDA: No, it’s not a holiday.

BRENDA: An anniversary then?

WANDA: Y…Yes! Yes, it’s our anniversary!

She goes to sit next to Brenda on the couch.

BRENDA: Oh, how marvelous! How many years?

WANDA: Well, it feels like we’ve always been together.

BRENDA: Lucky gal. The only way my husband would remember our anniversary is if there was a beer named March 30th.

They both laugh.

BRENDA Cont’: So, what do you have planned?

WANDA: How do you mean?

BRENDA: For your special night. Girls like us don’t have to do much, but it’s still fun to set the scene. 

Then suddenly, Brenda realizes something and gets up from her seat.

BRENDA: Say, I was just reading a crackerjack magazine article called, “How To Treat Your Husband To Keep Your Husband.” And let me tell you, what my husband could really use is, “How To Goose Your Wife So You Don’t Lose Your Wife.” Hang on, I’ll go grab it and we can start planning. Oh, this is gonna be a gas!

She opens the door and leaves the house, having Wanda be alone, and be really happy and excited about her anniversary, and the new friend she made.

CUT TO INT. COMPUTATIONAL SERVICES INC. - DAY

Cut to an establishing shot of Vision’s workplace. Cut inside. Vision sits at his desk in a cluster of other desks where his coworkers sit, including EDWIN HART next to him. Edwin is a flamboyant, delightful, and eccentric young man with swoopy pink hair, blue eyes, and flaunting a pink and blue business suit and tie. His desk is covered in warm colors and Valentine's Day decorations. He has music playing on the radio. The radio station sounded like they were all love songs and ballads. As the music plays Cosmo speeds through computations at inhuman speeds. He grabs a stack of papers and brings them to Edwin.

COSMO: Here are those computational forms that you requested, Edwin! There you go.

EDWIN: (Impressed) Gee wilikers, that was fast!

He looks down at the pile of forms and then up at Cosmo.

EDWIN: Ya know, Cosmo, if you broke up with that pink girl of yours, you know I can always find someone for you, being a matchmaker and all.

COSMO: Well that was obvious, but I and Wanda are still happily married!

EDWIN: Aw man, I thought I would get a chance! By the way, I hope my music isn’t distracting you or anything.

Cosmo looks at the radio with pink knobs to adjust the volume and channel.

COSMO: Oh, no! Thanks, Edwin boy!

Cosmo looks around the office for a moment. Edwin gets up from his seat.

EDWIN: Hey Mr. Green! Is there something I can help you with?

COSMO: Actually, yes! Would you umm… tell me what it is we do here exactly? Do we make something?

EDWIN: No.

COSMO: Righhht. Do we buy or sell something then?

EDWIN: No and no.

COSMO: Wait, but then, what is the purpose of this company?

EDWIN: Well, pal, all I know is that ever since you’ve gotten here, productivity has gone up three-hundred percent!

COSMO: Yeah! Wow, I am impressed by this company! This is so great!

He gets into his own little world for a second and dances by himself. He snaps out and stops dancing.

COSMO: But, what is it we’re producing?

EDWIN: Computational forms. And no one can process the data quite like you, sir! It’s like, you make the finished data appear like magic, like maybe… a fairy godparent!

COSMO: Now listen up, loverboy! I don’t need ‘magic’ to do my job well, and I am totally not a fairy! I’m a regular carbon-based employee made entirely of organic matter like you, Edwin!

EDWIN: Geez. What has got your feathers all ruffled?

Cosmo goes down to relax and takes a seat near his desk.

COSMO: Ah, I’m sorry! I’m just a tad on edge. You see, it appears there’s something special about today, special to me and Wanda, and gee. I can’t for the life of me recall what it is.

There is a brief pause, and Edwin gasps.

EDWIN: Oh my goodness Cosmo, don’t tell me you forgot your-

Suddenly, Edwin gets cut off by the office door opening.

EDWIN: AH! IT’S JAMES!

Edwin rushes back to his seat and he and Cosmo go back to working and JAMES VON MOORE, a tall, white-haired, buff and tall businessman sporting a dull suit and tie walks in, he stomps on the ground harshly in a threatening manner. Everyone is alerted and focused on their work.

JAMES: HELLO. IT IS GOOD TO SEE EVERYONE WORKING AND NOT SLACKING OFF.

He pounds on the ground with his feet again and approaches Cosmo’s desk. Cosmo starts sweating as James moves closer.

JAMES: COSMO.

COSMO: Yes?

JAMES: I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS EVENING.

Beat.

COSMO: Ah! I remember now! Dinner with Mr. Von Moore! What an event! That’s why it was so noticeable on that calendar! Although, I don’t know why Wanda marked it with a heart.

Edwin facepalms himself.

EDWIN: Cosmo…

JAMES: MR. COSMA, YOU MUST TAKE THIS EVENING INCREDIBLY SERIOUSLY, ESPECIALLY SINCE EMPLOYEE DINNERS ARE A RITE OF PASSAGE FOR THE NEW HIRES. IT WILL MAKE ME DECIDE IF YOU ARE A DECENT HUMAN BEING AND IF YOU ARE WORTHY OF BEING PROMOTED!

COSMO: Uh-huh…

JAMES: AND AS YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE, BRANDON ABDUL HAS FAILED MISERABLY!

Cut to BRANDON ABDUL, a bald, purple-eyed person spotting a purple business suit. He’s carrying a box full of his belongings.

JAMES: ISN’T THAT RIGHT, BRANDON?

BRANDON: M-My wife thought five courses would be sufficient!

JAMES: AND THERE WAS THAT PALTRY EXCUSE FOR ENTERTAINMENT.

BRANDON: A string quartet?

JAMES: AND THEN YOU HAD THAT EMBARRASSING DISPLAY OF BEATNIK ENTHUSIASM!

BRANDON: I wore a turtleneck!

JAMES: YES. I WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK OUT THERE IN THE UNEMPLOYMENT LINE, BRANDON. OH WAIT, I DON’T.

Brandon leaves the office.

JAMES: YOU KNOW, COSMO, I OWE MY SUCCESS TO BEING A KEEN JUDGE OF CHARACTER. YOU HAVE NO SKELETONS IN YOUR CLOSET?

COSMO: What?! No! What would even be the purpose of that? In me and my wife’s closet, we have a pile of magic wands that do not work and are Halloween props! It’s very nice.

JAMES: WELL THEN, YOUR FUTURE IN THIS COMPANY DEPENDS ON TONIGHT.

James returns to his office, and Cosmo gives a nervous look at the camera.

CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOM, DAY

Cut to a shot of Wanda and Cosmo’s home.

BRENDA: And you don’t have a song?

Cut inside. Wanda and Brenda are on the couch looking at magazines.

BRENDA: Nothing special you played at your wedding?

WANDA: No, nothing special.

BRENDA: I’ll just loan you some records, then. So, we’ve got music covered, decor, wardrobe… Oh! What about seduction techniques?

WANDA: Oh, I have those.

BRENDA: Of course you do.

WANDA: Just out of curiosity, what does it say?

BRENDA: That you should stumble when you walk into a room so he can catch you! It’s romantic!

WANDA: Any other tips?

BRENDA: You could point out that the death rate of single men is twice that of married men.

WANDA: Now that’s romantic!

Brenda laughs, and then they both hear a phone ring. Wanda gets up from the couch and grabs the old fashioned telephone off the table.

WANDA: Cosma residence!

The shot cuts back and forth during the conversation as Wanda and Cosmo talk.

COSMO: Wanda! Darling!

WANDA: Cosmo, sweetheart.

COSMO: Listen, about tonight-

WANDA: Don’t worry, dear. I have everything under control.

COSMO: Oh, well, that is a relief. I mean, I must confess, I’m really rather nervous.

WANDA: Nervous? Whatever for?

COSMO: Well, you know, darling, I still get a little tongue-tied.

WANDA: Sweetie, after all this time?

COSMO: There’s an awful lot riding on this one, Wanda. If tonight doesn’t go just so, I think this could be the end.

WANDA: Well, it’s just one night. There’s no need to get dramatic.

She gives Brenda a thumbs up, who gives her one right back.

COSMO: Well, wonderful. Glad to know we’re both on the same page. Until tonight, then, my darling.

WANDA: Until tonight.

She hangs up the phone.

CUT TO: COMMERCIAL

There’s a counter and a man walks into frame. On the wall behind him, there’s a bunch of knick-knacks that are hung. Fun and happy music is playing in the background.

MAN: Are you tired? Just in general, and every single day your wife is disappointed because you are tired, but yet, there’s so much fun things you can do together.

The man walks to the side, where a woman stands next to the counter, which has a coffee machine on top.

MAN: Then try our new and improved Smug Coffee Maker 2000. It’s just the thing the husband and the housewife needs!

Cut to a close-up shot of the coffee machine.

MAN: These buttons next to it make sure the machine knows how much coffee you want! Whether it is a small cup, or a big mug!

Back to the normal shot.

MAN: Plus, The Smug Coffee Maker 2000 is also way more quicker at making coffee than our last model! So you can feel energized even faster!

Cut to a shot of the woman staring at the Smug Coffee Maker 2000, which is currently running. She yawns.

WOMAN: I wish this coffee would come sooner.

After she says that, the machine dings! and her drink is done. She gasps.

WOMAN: It’s like magic!

Cut to a different shot of the Smug Coffee Maker 2000 with text on the screen

MAN: The all new Smug Coffee Maker 2000. Forget the past, this is your future.

CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOM, EVENING

Cut to an establishing shot of Wanda and Cosmo’s home. Cut inside. Cosmo enters and leaves the door open for James. The lights are out and instead, candles are set all around the room. Some smooth jazz music is playing in the background, probably playing from a radio.

COSMO: Here we are! Welcome to my home!

JAMES: WHY ARE THE LIGHTS OUT COSMO? DID YOU BLOW A FUSE?

COSMO: Anywho, pardon me while I just go and fetch the lady of the house.

He leaves and goes to enter the kitchen. As soon as he’s gone, Wanda enters from another room. Thinking it’s Cosmo, she walks up behind James, goes on her tippy toes and covers his eyes. She’s wearing a flowy light pink dress with fur cuffs on the sleeves instead of her usual housewife outfit.

WANDA: (Flirty) Guess who?

Cosmo comes back in and turns the lights on.

COSMO: Wanda!

WANDA: Cosmo?

She gasps and takes her hands away.

JAMES: WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?

COSMO: (Stammering) Well, what is the meaning of this? Oh, the meaning of it! You want to know the meaning of it, and the meaning of it is that this is the traditional uh ... uhm... European greeting of hospitality! Yep! Very foreign!

Wanda walks over to him, nodding. He performs a similar action to Wanda, covering her eyes.

COSMO: Uh, guess who?...

WANDA: Oh! Is that my host behind me?

COSMO: It certainly is.

She turns around and they shake hands.

WANDA: Lovely to make your acquaintance.

COSMO: Yes. See, I forgot to tell you my wife is from Europe.

JAMES: HMPH. INTERESTING. AND THAT DRESS?

COSMO: Yes! It’s, it’s so...European, is what it is! Yes!

WANDA: Can I just see you in the kitchen for a moment, sweetheart?

COSMO: Sure indeed, gorgeous!

She grabs his hand and pulls him into the kitchen. He blows out some candles as they walk.

WANDA: Who are those people?

COSMO: What are you wearing?

WANDA: Why are they here?

COSMO: What are you wearing?

WANDA: Well, it’s our anniversary!

COSMO: Our anniversary of what?

WANDA: Well, if you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you!

She walks away far from Cosmo in the kitchen. She crosses her arms and turns her back to him. Cosmo walks up to her.

COSMO: Come on, Wanda! that, that man through there is my boss, Mr. Von Moore! Today we were all supposed to have dinner with him! And for some reason which I still don’t know, you put a heart on the date?

WANDA: Everything I do is for a reason, honey.

COSMO: Darling, listen. It’s all romantic to do the candles, the music, that stunning outfit… I don’t want to be unappreciative, but right now-

WANDA: Your boss is expecting a home-cooked meal.

COSMO: Exactly.

WANDA: Any chance that he would settle for a single chocolate-covered strawberry split three ways?

She looks at a chocolate-covered strawberry on the kitchen table.

COSMO: Uh…

WANDA: I might have a better idea.

She pulls out her magic wand behind her and poofs up her old traditional outfit, complete with her pearl necklace.

Cut back into the living room some time later. James and Cosmo are sitting together on the couch

JAMES: SO I SAID, “IF WE ORIENT THE FORMS HORIZONTALLY RATHER THAN VERTICALLY, WE CAN USE TWICE THE PAPER, WE CAN BILL TWICE THE COST.”

Cosmo laughs and James covers his ears in rage.

COSMO: (wiping away tears) You truly are a pioneer. But what is the larger purpose of the forms?

JAMES: IT IS TO ANALYZE OUR INPUT AND OUR OUTPUT

COSMO: Okay...

JAMES: YOU’RE AWFULLY DENSE, AREN’T YOU, COSMO?

COSMO: You what!

Back in the kitchen, Wanda lets Brenda in through the back door. Brenda looks like she’s carrying a ton of cooking supplies and ingredients.

WANDA: Oh, Brenda! You’re a life-saver.

BRENDA: Oh, what kind of housewife would I be if I didn’t have a gourmet meal for four just lying about the place.

Wanda helps Brenda unload some of the ingredients and supplies.

BRENDA: Not that my husband ever wants to eat anything but baked beans, which explains a lot about his personal appeal, mind you.

Brenda drops a large pot.

BRENDA: Oh, my!

In the other room, Cosmo notices the sound and he visibly shakes and gets worried. James looks at him and gets confused.

JAMES: DO YOU THINK WANDA IS OKAY IN THE KITCHEN?

COSMO: Yeah! Absolutely! She’s a master at cooking, let me tell you! I’m sure (screaming at Wanda) she’s absolutely fine in there!

Wanda hears Cosmo.

WANDA: Oh, thank you, Brenda. I think I’ve got it covered from here.

BRENDA: Oh, are you sure, dear? Many hands make light work, and many mouths make good gossip.

WANDA: (Light hearted) You’re so naughty!

Wanda begins pushing Brenda towards the back door, but Brenda reaches for the oven.

BRENDA: Oh, shall I just preheat the oven then, dear?

WANDA: That won’t be necessary.

BRENDA: Oh, all right, then.

Wanda again pushes Brenda towards the door and opens it, but Brenda swivels around and walks back to the kitchen. Wanda ropes her around the kitchen as she talks.

BRENDA: Well, I know you’re in a pinch so this menu can be done in a snap. Lobster Thermidor with mini mincemeat turnovers to start. Chicken à la King with twice cooked new potatoes for your second course, and Steak Diane and mint jellies for your main. Do you set your own jellies, dear?

WANDA: Yes.

BRENDA: Good.

Wanda pushes her to the door again.

BRENDA: Recipe cards are on the counter there. Bon appétit!

After all of that time, Brenda finally left. Wanda breathes in and breathes out and with her magic wand, she gives it a twirl to open every cabinet in the kitchen and floats cooking tools all around. Meanwhile in the other room the noise in the kitchen gets louder and James is even more suspicious.

JAMES: OK. SOMETHING ISN’T RIGHT HERE. I MAY NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT COOKING BUT I THINK I DESERVE TO KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON...

COSMO: Mr. Von Moore! Please don’t! You can’t, you… Please…

He goes to open the windows to the kitchen. As he swings them open, Cosmo doesn’t know what to do, and he begins singing.

COSMO: (Singing) Yeah, take out the papers and the trash.

James turns around and doesn’t notice Wanda’s powers or in use or the magic wand in her hand. Wanda looks surprised.

COSMO: (Singing) Or you won’t get no spending cash.

Wanda gives him a more confused look.

COSMO: (Singing) If you don’t scrub the kitchen floor,

James begins to dance along.

COSMO: (Singing) You ain’t gonna rock and roll no more. Yakety yak, don’t talk back.

JAMES: (Dancing) WHY IS THIS MUSIC SO FUNKY?!

While James is distracted, Wanda closes the windows to the kitchen shut with her wand.

COSMO: Well then, why don’t we have a nice sing-a-long, all together now!

He picks up a small guitar. 

INT. KITCHEN - EVENING

Wanda with her magic wand attempts to quickly cook a chicken, but accidentally burns it.

WANDA: Oh, no, too much!

She tries again and ends up with a basket of eggs.

WANDA: Oh, no, not enough!

INT. LIVING ROOM - EVENING

Cosmo excitedly sings along with his guitar, while James looks annoyed.

COSMO: (Singing, quickly) Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O. And on that farm he had a…

He looks expectantly at James, and he says nothing

COSMO: ...pig. (Singing, quickly) E-I-E-I-O. With a oink, oink here, and a oink, oink there. Here an oink, there an oink, everywhere an oink, oink!

Back in the kitchen, the singing is still somewhat audible. Wanda looks stressed, trying to juggle multiple steps at once. She could barely keep her wand up.

WANDA: Oh, what was I supposed to do next? Oh, what was the main course again?

She walks to a group of flying recipe cards.

WANDA: It was… Steak…. No, Steak…

Cut back to the living room.

WANDA: Diane!

COSMO: Yes? Oh, I think that must be my wife summoning me!

JAMES: SHE CALLS YOU “DIANE”?

COSMO: Yes, it’s her pet name for me. I’m just coming… Fred. Excuse me a moment.

He gets up from the couch. In the kitchen, Wanda is placing some lobsters in a pot. Cosmo enters and startles her, leading her to accidentally poof her lobster into pieces of brightly colored candy and the steak recipe that was floating to fall on the counter.

WANDA: Oh, no!

COSMO: Is there anything I can help you with?!

WANDA: Well, the chicken is no longer a chicken and the lobsters are somehow now small pieces of sweets that aren’t good for a meal, so the steak is the last man standing.

Wanda looks down at the steak recipe on the counter and quickly looks through it.

WANDA: It says here I can cut down the prep time with a meat tenderizer.

COSMO: Great plan! Where’s the tenderizer?

WANDA: I’m looking at him.

She hands Vision a large mallet.

James suddenly opens up the window to the living room.

JAMES: I DON’T LIKE WHAT’S GOING ON IN HERE.

WANDA: Don’t worry! We’ve got it under control!

Wanda closes the window again and turns to Cosmo.

WANDA: All you have to do is finish the meat. I’ll be right back.

She tosses her apron to Cosmo and runs to the living room.

WANDA: I hope you’re hungry!

JAMES: STARVED IS MORE LIKE IT.

Cosmo slams the mallet down, making a loud noise. James gets suspicious again, but Wanda tries to distract him.

WANDA: So were you aware that married men are killing single men at an alarming rate?

JAMES: WHAT ARE YOU GOING ON ABOUT?

There’s another loud thud from the kitchen.

JAMES: AND WHAT’S GOING ON IN THERE?

James begins stomping to the kitchen. Cosmo gets worried because he knows that that stomping is James, but he tries to focus and continue his task.

WANDA: Whoo-hoo!

Wanda pretends to fall backwards and he catches her. There’s a knock at the door and Wanda escapes James’ arms.

WANDA: Who could that be?

Wanda walks to door the door and Cosmo leaves the kitchen to check who’s there

COSMO: Coming!

Wanda and Cosmo both get to the front door. Wanda opens it and Brenda is standing there holding a pineapple.

BRENDA: Oh, you didn’t answer the back door. For your upside-down cake!

She hands Wanda the pineapple and Wanda grasps it quickly from Brenda’s hand, and Brenda notices Cosmo. She waves her hand

BRENDA: Oh! hi! I-

Wanda closes the door on her before she could finish her sentence.

JAMES: WHO WAS THAT?

Wanda and Cosmo speak over each other.

WANDA: A salesman.

COSMO: Telegram. A man selling telegrams.

WANDA: Wouldn’t you know it, good news is more expensive.

COSMO: (To Wanda) Psst. Did you want the meat tender or pulverized?

WANDA: Oh, dear.

She heads back to the kitchen.

COSMO: Well, I think tonight’s going swimmingly! Anyone for Parcheesi?

JAMES: MY HEAD IS SPINNING.

In the kitchen, Wanda picks up a whisker.

WANDA: Time to improvise.

JAMES: YOU KNOW, I’M BEGINNING TO THINK YOU’RE NOT MANAGEMENT MATERIAL, MR. COSMA.

As he talks, Wanda sets the table.

JAMES: YOU KNOW, I HAD HIGH HOPES FOR YOU. BUT FROM WHAT I’VE SEEN HERE TONIGHT YOU CAN BARELY KEEP IT TOGETHER! I MEAN, LOOK AROUND. THERE’S ALL THIS CHAOS GOING ON IN YOUR HOUSEHOLD. NOW, WHAT ARE WE GONNA EAT?

WANDA: Dinner is served.

They all look over at the table. Wanda smiles at both of them nicely, her hands clasped.

COSMO: Wanda! You did it again!

JAMES: BREAKFAST FOR DINNER? HOW VERY EUROPEAN…

Cosmo notices the wine glasses set up on the table.

COSMO: Ooh! Let’s have a toast!

They all approach the table and hold up the glasses.

COSMO: To my lovely and talented wife!

WANDA: To our esteemed guest!

COSMO: Yes, cin cin.

They clink their glasses together.

WANDA: Cheers.

They all take sips.

WANDA: Well, please eat before it gets cold.

They all pull out their seats and Wanda and James sit down.

JAMES: SO, WHERE DID YOU TWO MOVE FROM?

Cosmo sits down.

COSMO: What?

JAMES: WHAT BROUGHT YOU HERE? HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED? AND WHY DON’T YOU HAVE ANY CHILDREN YET?

Wanda stares off into the distance.

COSMO: I think what my wife means to say is that we moved from, um…

WANDA: Yes, we moved from…

COSMO: And we were married…

WANDA: Yes, yes, we were married in…

JAMES: WELL? MOVED FROM WHERE? MARRIED WHEN?

WANDA: We… Our story…

JAMES: YES, WHAT EXACTLY IS YOUR STORY.

There is a pause.

JAMES: IT’S A PERFECTLY SIMPLE QUESTION. HONESTLY. WHY DID YOU COME HERE? WHY?

Neither responds. James slams his hand on the table.

JAMES: Damn it, why? Why did y-

He begins choking on some food. Wanda and Cosmo stare at each other. After a few mins of no talking, his choking becomes worse. After more time, James falls to the ground, continuously choking and in pain. He’s crying as he is choking. Wanda and Vision look back at each other.

WANDA: Cosmo, help him.

Cosmo gets up and kneels next to James. He pulls out his magic wand, flicks it at him and with a poof, James coughs and breathes. He is safe.

COSMO: It’s ok Mr. Von Moore! Let me help you up! Give me your hand.

James gives him his hand, and Cosmo helps him get back up on his feet. James gives him a slight smirk.

COSMO: Alright, steady on, sir.

Wanda gets out of her seat. James pants, then looks at his watch.

JAMES: WELL, WOULD YOU LOOK AT THE TIME. I SHOULD GET GOING.

WANDA: Are you alright, Mr. Von Moore?

JAMES: YES. I AM FINE.

James shakes her hand.

WANDA: Ok. Well thank you for coming, sir.

They both let go and James looks at Cosmo.

JAMES: YOU MADE ME PROUD TONIGHT, COSMO. FIRST THING MONDAY MORNING, YOU AND ME ARE GONNA HAVE A LITTLE CHAT.

They shake hands.

JAMES: WE’LL SEE ABOUT THAT PROMOTION.

COSMO: Yes, sir! Thank you sir!

Wanda gets the door open for James.

JAMES: THANK YOU. HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.

Once James leaves, Wanda closes the door. They both sigh in relief and they take off their bow and hat to reveal their floating crowns.

WANDA: We are an unusual couple, you know.

COSMO: Oh, I don’t think that was ever in question!

They sit on the couch together.

WANDA: What I mean is, we don’t have an anniversary!

COSMO: Oh yeah…

WANDA: Or a song. Or even wedding rings.

COSMO: Well... (enlightened) we could just make it up! Today could be our anniversary.

WANDA: Of what? Surviving our first dinner party?

COSMO: Exactly! It’s a great achievement and we should remember it! And our song could be…?

WANDA: Yakety Yak, naturally.

COSMO: Naturally.

WANDA: And the rings?

COSMO: Well, we can make a ring for each other!

He holds up his hand. She holds up hers. With their magic wands Cosmo makes a green ring for Wanda, and Wanda makes a pink ring for Cosmo. They land perfectly on their ring fingers. Cosmo rolls up his sleeve and looks at the black writing on it that says, “I do.”

COSMO: I do. Do you?

WANDA: Yes. I do.

COSMO: And they lived happily ever after.

They kiss. They stare into the camera and their faces are bordered by a hexagon which slowly zooms in on them. They smile as their names come up on either side of them. Credits roll. The camera zooms out, revealing the episode to be playing on an old-looking television. Wires and other more modern-looking monitors surround it. The camera pulls back further and reveals someone taking notes. They close their notebook and put down their pen.

END CREDITS

Chapter Text

TITLE SEQUENCE

A reel plays with clips from the previous episode.

CUT TO: INT. BEDROOM, NIGHT

Wanda and Cosmo are lying in their beds, asleep. A loud thud wakes Wanda up and she gasps.

WANDA: What was that?

She grabs her magic wand from the closet and turns a lamp on, then turns it back off. Another thud prompts her to turn it on a second time, then off again. Cosmo removes his facemask from his eyes.

COSMO: Wanda?

WANDA: Yes, dear?

COSMO: Are you using magic to turn on the light?

WANDA: Yes, dear.

COSMO: Allow me, sweetheart.

He grabs the magic wand from Wanda’s hands and turns the light on with it. He walks over to a window and pulls back the curtains to look around.

WANDA: What do you see?

COSMO: Only your lovely rose bushes.

WANDA: That’s all? Are you sure, Cosmo?

COSMO: Trust me, my love! There’s nothing strange out here! You have absolutely no reason to be frightened-

There’s a third loud thud.

COSMO: Ah!

He jumps and quickly hides under his covers.

WANDA: You were saying?

COSMO: Actually, I did overhear a couple of lads at work remarking on a few unsavory characters settling in the neighborhood. Ugh! It’s so scary! I don’t like it! Who knows what those ne’er-do-wells might be up to? Robbing houses, vandalizing property.

WANDA: Floating in rooms, moving objects without touching them.

COSMO: What?! Wanda! you can't be suggesting my colleagues were referring to us!

There’s another thud. With magic Wanda moves their beds together.

COSMO Cont’: (Scared) One of us should really determine the source of that sound.

WANDA: Yes. One of us should.

She looks at Cosmo expectantly with big eyes. There’s another thud. They both shake in their beds

WANDA: Oh, this is getting ridiculous. I’m going to take a look.

COSMO: Oh, jeez, Oh my, Oh God, darling! What are we going to do?!

She floats in the air and with the magic wand Cosmo took from her, she flings it at the curtains and they swing open to reveal a branch hitting the panes. There is a brief pause.

WANDA: Well, I think we handled that well.

COSMO: Yes, I must say I’m rather proud of myself. And look how you seized on the opportunity to redecorate! Oh it’s amazing!

WANDA: This is better, isn’t it.

COSMO: Mmhm...

Wanda uses the magic wand again to turn the two adjacent beds into one wide bed.

COSMO: Wanda, darling?

WANDA: Yes, dear?

COSMO: Get the light.

They get under the covers together. Wanda lifts her hand up from the covers and holds up her magic wand and turns off the light.

OPENING THEME

CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOM, DAY

Cosmo is in a magician’s getup in the living room.

COSMO: (announcing) Ladies and gentlemen, for my final trick, I bring you: The Cabinet Of Mysteries!

He waves a fake magician wand that he got at a nearby store. Nothing happens.

COSMO: Yes, darling, that’s your cue.

WANDA: Did you say, “Cabinet Of Mysteries?”

COSMO: I said, “The Cabinet Of Mysteries!”

He waves the fake wand again. This time, Wanda wheels out a large cabinet.

WANDA: Oh, that’s my cue. Ooh!

COSMO: Holy Toledo! Darling, do all the other acts in the talent show have such elaborate props?

WANDA: Are you kidding? Fred and Linda are building a moat and a fully-functioning portcullis and no one even knows why. Let’s keep going.

COSMO: Oh my! That sounds so cool! I want to see them right now!

Beat.

COSMO Cont’:Anyways uh, where was I? Um… Watch closely as I, Mr. Fairyman, Master of Enigma, make my captivating assistant Glamour disappear!

He opens the cabinet. Wanda steps in.

WANDA: You really are very dashing.

COSMO: Oh shucks! Thank you darling! You’re gorgeous as well. Fear not, Glamour, for I Mr. Fairyman, vow to bring you back exactly as you are.

WANDA: Ooh!

He closes the cabinet.

COSMO: Abracadabra!

He waves his fake wand at the cabinet, and then opens it again, revealing Wanda is gone.

COSMO: Ta-ta!

After a moment, Wanda re-emerges from a hidden wall in the cabinet and claps.

COSMO: Hey Wanda, you’re not at all worried that the audience might just see through this little charade?

WANDA: Well, that’s the whole point, sweetie! In a real magic act, everything is fake.

She closes the cabinet. He removes his top hat and magician jacket.

WANDA: The talent show fundraiser is the most important event of the season, and it’s our neighborly duty to participate. Plus, it’s our chance to appear as normal as possible while doing so.

COSMO: Well, I don’t think that should be a problem.

He points at the crown floating above his head.

WANDA: This is our home now, sweetie. I want us to fit in.

COSMO: Why of course! We do and we shall! And we’re going to knock their socks off! Yup! We’ll be looking at just bare feet as we perform. Especially with you wearing this.

He picks up a very revealing costume. It looks like one of those one piece bathing suits you would find for women. The outfit is a black with sparkles and sequins on it.

WANDA: Oh, that’s actually the rest of your costume!

COSMO: Wait what?!

Cosmo looks at it and gets all confused. Wanda just smiles at him and then checks her watch.

WANDA: Well, I better get going if I’m gonna make the planning committee meeting.

COSMO: That’s me off as well, actually. There’s a gathering of the neighborhood watch at the public library. And after last night’s excitement, I want to make sure this town’s security is up to snuff!

Cosmo puts on his signature green long sleeved sweater over his collared white dress shirt and prepares to leave.

WANDA: Oh, that’s a swell idea. You tell those tree branches who’s boss.

They kiss.

COSMO: Would you look at us? Wanda and Cosmo. The loving duo! The lovebirds! And Fawn Hills fitter-inners.

Wanda giggles.

WANDA: I’ll see you at curtain call!

They put on their signature hat and bow and both go their separate ways. Cut to Wanda in the kitchen later. There’s a strange noise in the background. She fluffs a pillow, and then hears a loud thud and a Ping! Sound effect. She gives the camera a bewildered look and exits the house and looks around for a few mins, spotting something in the bushes. She picks it up, and it’s shown to be what looks like a strange flip phone, in color. Strange. Everything else was black and white for now, why did this show color? Parts of the flip phone were gray and dull colors, such as the buttons and the exterior of it, but what stood out to her the most was the things that were in color,such as the antenna on top of the flip phone. It almost looked like the magic wand she and Cosmo had, just on top of a phone. There was also a tiny rectangular screen on the flip phone. The screen lit up in hot pink and in the corner she could see that it was recording. Wanda looked up at the window to her and Cosmo’s bedroom, then back at the phone. What did this phone see? This phone looks way too modern to take place during this time, and she hovers over one of the buttons on the phone. Wanda gets scared, and then Brenda’s arrival startles her, and she pushes the button she was hovering over and the recording stops. She ends up dropping the weird looking flip phone.

BRENDA: Look, it’s the star of the show!

WANDA: (In shock) Brenda! I’m sorry, what did you say?

Brenda holds out a cage with a white rabbit inside.

BRENDA: Oh, I brought my pet rabbit. For your magic act.

WANDA: Yes, of course! Thank you, Brenda. We will take good care of him.

Wanda takes the rabbit from her.

BRENDA: Mr. Scratchy just loves the stage. He played baby Jesus in last year’s Christmas pageant.

WANDA: (Walking away) Oh!

Wanda enters her house. Brenda looks over to her left.

BRENDA: Oh, morning Lawrence.

LAWRENCE, a big man with light purple hair that’s balding away, red eyes and wearing a mailman outfit walks up on the sidewalk..

LAWRENCE: Morning, Brenda.

She points finger guns at him.

BRENDA: Stick ‘em up.

He raises his hands.

LAWRENCE: Hey don’t shoot, I’m just a messenger.

Brenda laughs.

BRENDA: Pew, pew!

She watches him walk away. Wanda comes back out of the house.

WANDA: Shall we?

BRENDA: Oh, we shall.

Brenda holds out her arm and Wanda wraps it around hers. The pair walk down the sidewalk and Wanda takes one more worried glance at her bushes, and the flip phone inside.

BRENDA: So, are you ready to meet Queen Reporter Cul de Sac and her Merry Crew?

WANDA: Come on, Brenda. Mary can’t be as bad as you say.

BRENDA: Hmm, well you’ll notice her roses bloom under penalty of death.

Brenda stops walking and turns to Wanda.

BRENDA: Wanda, can I give you a bit of friendly advice?

WANDA: Is it about the way I’m dressed?

BRENDA: Yes, but it’s too late for that. Mary is the key to everything in this town. Country club memberships, parties, school admissions.

WANDA: Well, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

BRENDA: You get in with Mary and it’ll be smooth sailing from here on out. Just mind your Ps and Qs and you’re gonna do just fine.

WANDA: Or maybe I could just be myself? More or less?

Beat.

Agnes laughs.

BRENDA: Oh, Wanda. That’s good.

She continues to laugh and nearby, some women leave MARY ’s house. MARY MILLER is a tall curvy woman with short blonde hair styled in a bouffant. She’s wearing a light blue and white collared long-sleeved shirt and a short blue skirt to match, including some white heels.

MARY: Everybody, hurry up please.

BRENDA: Hiya, Mary! Your roses are divine.

MARY: Well, thank you.

Wanda waves at Mary excitedly and Brenda gives Wanda a look. They both join the group of women.

EXT. POOL, DAY

The women are all gathered in a tent next to a pool, while SAVANNAH, a tall woman with curly lavender hair and eyes, and a floral flowy lavender dress and black mary janes.

SAVANNAH: The Rotary Club is finishing the stage set-up as we speak.

Mary puts a single ice cube in her drink, and Wanda copies her.

SAVANNAH: They’ve given the gazebo a fresh coat of paint and will be installing the final decorations all through the town square.

Mary stirs her drink slowly. Wanda copies her again.

SAVANNAH: And if you recognize the antique footlights, it’s because they’re from my store.

MARY: And the chairs?

Beat.

SAVANNAH: I’m sorry, Mary, I didn’t ask about the chairs.

MARY: So you better not ask me if you can chair any committees in the future.

Some of the other women giggle, while Wanda looks at what’s happening with her jaw wide open, and Brenda gives Mary a dirty look, but Mary doesn’t notice. Savannah sits down and Mary gets up from her beach chair.

MARY: The devil’s in the details, Sav.

Brenda leans over to Wanda.

BRENDA: That’s not the only place he is.

MARY: As you all know, the talent show is the sole fundraiser for Fawn Hills Elementary.

Brenda hands a flask to Savannah.

BRENDA: This might help.

MARY: In the eight years since I found our little club, this event has gotten bigger and better every season.

A woman with teal hair and a dark blue dress passes a tray of food to Wanda.

WOMAN: Say, those pants are peachy keen!

WANDA: Do you really think so? The other ladies are in skirts and dresses, I was worried.

MARY: We only have a few hours until show time, so a little less cross chatter and a little more focus.

WANDA: Okay.

MARY: Those little boys and girls are counting on us. All of this is for the children.

The other women speak in unison.

WOMEN: For the children.

WANDA: (Not in unison) For the children.

Wanda gets some stares from some of the other women.

MARY: So, I want you all to give yourselves a big hand.

Wanda shoves a cookie into her mouth and begins clapping. Savannah looks at her, concerned.

MARY: At the appropriate time, of course. But first, let’s review event etiquette. Dress code is upscale garden party...

The blue girl turns to Wanda.

WOMAN: The only reason I didn’t clap is because I’m afraid to move. I actually don’t know what I’m doing here.

WANDA: I’m starting to feel that way myself. 

She holds out her hand to the woman as a kind and polite greeting.

WANDA: I’m Wanda.

WOMAN: I’m, uh…

She hesitates for a minute and grabs Wanda’s hand.

CLEMENTINE Cont’: Clementine!

WANDA: Hi.

MARY: And I’m irritated. 

Wanda and CLEMENTINE, let go of each other’s hands.

MARY: Tickets for tonight are completely sold out! Now you can clap.

The women all clap.

MARY: And stop.

They all stop on command.

BRENDA: How is anybody doing this sober?

INT. PUBLIC LIBRARY, DAY

Cut to an establishing shot. We see Cosmo enter the library. Inside, he comes upon a group of men sitting around a table.

COSMO: Um, is this the neighborhood watch meeting?

The men stop their conversation and look up at Cosmo.

EDWIN: Oh, hi, Cosmo! Didn’t expect to see you here. This is sort of a members only type deal.

COSMO: Aw man! Well then, I’ll just stay here and be as quiet as a church mouse til you open up the floor for new business.

BRYCE MARTINEZ, makes his appearance. He has fluffy blue hair, a white dress shirt and a dark blue tie, complete with gray pants and shoes.

BRYCE: Well, in truth, we were just getting to new business.

COSMO: Oh, splendid! Could you tell me how often you rotate security patrols? Do you interface directly with local law enforcement? What are your protocols for threats such as burglary, graffiti, and reckless driving?

EDWIN: No, Cosmo-

COSMO: I know these are indeed grave matters! It matters a lot in society! Or, at least that’s what my wife says.

EDWIN: New business actually means another round of Danish! That I totally did not bake.

Beat.

EDWIN Cont’: Oh just kidding, of course I did! I don’t care!

Brandon pulls out a box.

BRANDON: Raspberry or cheese-filled?

COSMO: Both!

Cosmo grabs 4 danishes from the box, two raspberry-filled, and two cheese-filled. He stuffs them down pretty quickly and the other men give him a strange look. He smiles back at them with food in his mouth.

BRYCE: Anyways fellas, I got some top secret intelligence for you.

COSMO: Ooh! Exciting!

He claps his hands in impulse.

BRYCE: Now, you know how Johnson’s been bragging about that tree house he built for his kids?

BRANDON: Yeah?

BRYCE: It’s a prefab job.

The other men scoff.

BRANDON: That blockhead can’t even swing a hammer!

EDWIN: Come on, I can do you one better. You know those bowling trophies James’ always polishing? He bought ‘em all at a yard sale near that one curvy bridge!

BRYCE: I knew it. I’ve never once seen him down at the lanes.

COSMO: I, too, have some top secret gossip to share. Edwin here’s a communist.

The men stare at each other for a moment before bursting out in laughter. Cosmo nervously laughs too.

BRANDON: Cosmo, you’re a real cut-up!

EDWIN: You know, I always thought you were kind of a square. A dumb one in fact.

COSMO: Me? No, I’m as round as they come.

BRYCE: Hey, care for some rump roast?

Bryce holds out a plate with two slices of hot, steamy rump roast to Cosmo, who looks at him with shock and obsession.

COSMO: What, what, what?! Really?! Are you sure! You would give that soft, tender, juicy rump roast to me?!

BRYCE: Of course. Why? Is there a problem with it?

COSMO: Nope! It’s just, it’s my favorite food and I haven’t had it in ages! Thank you!

He yoinks the plate from Bryce and pulls out a nearby knife and fork.

COSMO: Cheers!

Cosmo takes multiple bites out of the roast.

BRYCE: That man is funny! Alright, so, back to this barbeque.

EXT. POOL, DAY

Back at the women’s meeting, a song plays on the radio. Wanda helps clean up while Mary sits nearby.

MARY: And that is why you never do a seating chart on an empty stomach!

WANDA: (ingenuine) Gollie, you’re a whiz at all this committee stuff, Mary. Thank you for choosing me to help you clean up today. I feel so lucky.

MARY: You are.

Wanda makes a face while her back is turned. After a moment, she turns back around.

WANDA: I can’t help but wonder if you and I haven’t gotten off on the wrong foot, Mary. And I would like to correct that if I can.

MARY: And how would you do that?

Wanda gives a nervous laugh and says nothing. Mary gets up.

MARY: I’ve heard things about you. You and your husband.

WANDA: Well, I don’t know what you’ve been told, but I assure you I don’t mean anyone any harm.

MARY: I don’t believe you.

The radio was completely normal. It was playing old classic songs from the 60’s, and yet, it started acting up. The radio crackles, distorts, and glitches and a voice comes through.

MAN ON THE RADIO: Wanda. Wanda, can you read me over? Wanda?

A man’s voice starts playing on the radio. His voice sounded deep and dull, maybe even dark. The man’s voice sounded as if he had no emotion at all when he spoke, just a numb, simple, and monotone voice, a bored one even. Wanda and Mary stared at the radio as they heard the man.

MARY: (Concerned) Who is that?

MAN ON THE RADIO: Wanda?

The music still plays on the radio, distorted, as the man continued to speak. Mary looked at Wanda with an almost desperate look.

MARY: (Trembling) Who are you?

MAN ON THE RADIO: Wanda? Wanda? Who’s doing this to you, Wanda? Wanda? Wanda? Wan-

The radio blows a fuse and begins to smoke, cutting off the voice. Mary crushes her glass in surprise, cutting her hand. She and Wanda both gasp.

WANDA: Mary!

She looks down and sees the blood in Mary’s hand isn’t in black and white. Not even a normal dark red either. A bright neon pink liquid was coming out harshly onto Mary’s hand.

WANDA: You… oh!

Wanda gets a towel for Mary’s hand.

MARY: Pop quiz, Wanda. How does a housewife get a bloodstain out of white linen? By doing it herself.

Mary walks away, leaving Wanda there stunned.

CUT TO: COMMERCIAL BREAK

The camera shows a montage of showing the cover of a book, someone flipping through pages, and the book spinning on a turntable

NARRATOR: The best selling book written by Casimir Fortune and edited by his wife Ms. Fortune is here!

Cut to a shot of a husband and wife happily reading the book together

NARRATOR: The novel ‘Black Magic’ is loved by couples around the world, as it’s about a loving pair who goes through trial and error, trying to repair their old relationship. And this book will keep you on the edge of your seat.

The shot fades to a close up of the book cover with text.

NARRATOR: Black Magic: “You just don’t know what to expect”.

The narrator stops speaking as the shot of the book still continues with music playing and then we cut to black.

EXT. FAWN HILLS, DAY

An establishing shot shows a grassy area set up for the talent show. Cut to a montage of various acts: Two people tap dancing, some people in wild west getups, and Brandon on the piano. Clementine watches from backstage.

CLEMENTINE: Glad I don’t have to follow this guy!

Wanda walks by in her magician’s assistant outfit.

WANDA: (Worried) Huh? What?

CLEMENTINE: Oh, but you’re gonna be great.

Wanda paces.

WANDA: What time is it now?

CLEMENTINE: Two minutes after the last time you asked.

WANDA: I don’t know where he could be!

Cosmo in his magician getup staggers into frame behind her.

CLEMENTINE: Oh, is that him?

Wanda gasps.

CLEMENTINE: Well, it looks like he’s got a little hitch in his giddyup.

Cosmo struggles to make it up the stairs of the gazebo.

CLEMENTINE: Woah!

He nearly falls but gives a thumbs up as he catches himself.

COSMO: Wanda, my little cabbage, you look smashing! Uh... Rump Roast!

Cosmo’s voice noticeably became deeper than it usually was. He sounded like Troy Mcclure from The Simpsons , or a car salesman.

WANDA: Cosmo...

COSMO: Yes, gorgeous?

WANDA: Where have you been?

COSMO: (Smug) Well, me and the boys were playing a rather thrilling game of horses with shoes. No, that’s not it. Shoe horses! No. Ah! Horse’s shoes.

WANDA: Listen, something strange happened with Mary. Well, something strange happened before that, too. It’s hard to explain.

Cosmo sees the performers from the wild west act pass by, including two in a horse costume.

COSMO: Now then, I don’t think I see those horseshoes on that horse. Something isn’t right here.

He tries to go up to the stage but Wanda holds him back,

WANDA: What is going on?!

CLEMENTINE: You are!

Wanda gasps. Cut to the audience. Mary stands on stage.

MARY: I want to thank you all for coming out to support Fawn Hills Elementary. For the children.

AUDIENCE: For the children.

MARY: And for our final act, I give you, Wanda and Cosmo.

Mary leads clapping and steps down from the stage. She gets to her seat as Wanda emerges from the curtains. She walks out further and gestures to the curtains. Nothing happens. Mary looks miffed. Wanda looks nervous. Cut backstage, Cosmo is playing with his clothes.

CLEMENTINE: Hey, hey! You’re up, cowboy!

COSMO: Right.

Clementine gestures to the curtains.

COSMO: Okay, Okay! I’ll go!

He clumsily gets past the curtains.

COSMO: Hello, Fawn Hills! My apologies for being late. I was too busy being amazed by my magnetic charm. I am Mr. Fairyman! And I have no clue who this attractive woman is.

WANDA: I am his assistant Glamour, and he’s the host of the show.

COSMO: Yeah, what she said. Today, we will lie to you and yet you will believe our little deceptions because human beings are easily fooled due to their limited understanding of the inner workings of the universe. Flourish!

WANDA: You just do it, you don’t say it out loud, honey.

COSMO: And now my wife and I will delight in your dumbstruck little faces. Flourish!

Cosmo reveals his fairy wings and begins to fly. The crowd watches and gasps. Wanda quickly hides her magic wand behind her and creates a pulley system to make it look like she’s controlling his flying. She moves a sign out of the way and Edwin spots it.

EDWIN: Ha! See there? He’s using a rope.

Wanda begins playing with the pulley.

COSMO: Wanda, Wanda. What’s… Oh, no! Oh, no, Wanda, please! Darling, let me down!

BRENDA: Oh!

COSMO: I’m feeling pukey!

The crowd laughs.

COSMO: Ooh.

Wanda lets him down from the Pulley. Everyone claps.

COSMO: Oh, yeah! This is… This is gonna be great.

He walks over to the piano.

COSMO: A staggering feat of strength!

He lifts up the piano with one arm. The crowd looks on in awe.

COSMO: Eh?

WANDA: Mr. Fairyman! Mr. Fairyman, Master Of Enigma, allow me.

She takes the piano from him.

COSMO: What? Ah…

She turns the piano into a cardboard cut-out of a piano. She walks away and holds it to the side.

WANDA: Whoops! You weren’t supposed to see how we did that trick.

The crowd laughs and claps.

BRANDON: That was my grandmother’s piano.

COSMO: Oh, Brian! This is my old mate, Brian.

He points at a confused Bryce and comes towards him.

COSMO: Come on Brian, don’t be shy. Say hello. You’re standing right next to the best magician known to man.

BRYCE: Actually it’s Bryce.

Cosmo pulls out playing cards.

COSMO: Pipe down, Jones, and pick a card. Any card.

Bryce takes a card. Cosmo turns around.

COSMO: Yeah, put it back in the deck. I’m not looking.

While Cosmo is turned around, Bryce returns his card to the deck.

COSMO: Alright, watch this.

Cosmo shuffles the deck and holds one up to Bryce.

COSMO: Is this your card?

BRYCE: Uh, no.

COSMO: I beg to differ.

Bryce shakes his head.

COSMO: Really? Boring.

He tosses the card.

COSMO: Is this your card?

He holds up another one.

WANDA: Cosmo.

Bryce shakes his head. Cosmo gets frustrated. He rapidly pulls cards out of the deck. Bryce keeps shaking his head.

COSMO: Is this your card? Is this your card? Is this your card? Is this your card?

He stops on one.

COSMO: Is this your card?

Bryce shakes his head again.

COSMO: Ugh! Is this your card? Is this your card? Is this your card? Is this your card? Is this your card? Is this your card? Is this your card? Is this your card? Is this your card?

BRYCE: No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

Cosmo holds up the last card in the deck.

COSMO: Is this your card?

BRYCE: Oh, it is!

COSMO: It is what?

BRYCE: It’s my card!

COSMO: Well, pardon me, Bryce, have it back.

He slaps the card onto Bryce’s forehead.

BRYCE: Oh, no, you did the trick right!

COSMO: Well of course I did the trick right, I’m Mr. Fairyman! Flourish!

Wanda claps. The rest of the audience laughs and claps as well.

COSMO: And now, for my next trick…

WANDA: Oh, goodness me.

COSMO: Oh, who stole my hat? Oh, oh, stop that rabbit!

He sees his hat tipped over on stage and Mr. Scratchy running away.

COSMO: I gotta pull a hat out of it!

Wanda grabs Mr. Scratchy.

BRENDA: Mr. Scratchy’s got real star quality, don’t you think?

WANDA: Maybe leave the poor bunny out of this one, shall we?

Cosmo grabs his hat from the ground.

COSMO: Well then, the more the merrier, so I might as well not make another hat, but 10 other hats appear!

The crowd gasps. Wanda runs over.

WANDA: Cosmo, no!

COSMO: I’m doing it!

He has his real magic wand and he gives it a flick to the hat, making 10 other hats that look the same appear.

COSMO: Aha!

WANDA: If only you all knew our secret!

She pulls back the curtains to reveal a set of mirrors. The audience laughs.

SAVANNAH: Is that how mirrors work?

MARY: Be quiet during the show, Sav.

COSMO: And now, ladies and gentlemen, for our grand finale, I bring you the Magnet Of Crysteries!

Wanda rolls out the cabinet.

WANDA: The Cabinet Of Mysteries.

COSMO: Yeah, yeah, what she said. I will now make my wife disappear! Which... is actually kind of sad. I don’t think I want this to happen, gorgeous.

WANDA: It’s fine, it’s fine.

He opens the doors of the cabinet. The crowd oohs. He closes them before Wanda gets in.

BRENDA: Are you sure you don’t want an audience volunteer named, “My husband”?

The audience laughs.

COSMO: Haha! No. Abracadabra!

He hits the cabinet with his real fairy wand.

WANDA: Uh, sweetheart?

COSMO: Yeah?

WANDA: Hi.

COSMO: Oh.

BRYCE: What’s in the box?

BRYCE AND EDWIN: What’s in the box?

The whole crowd begins chanting.

AUDIENCE: What’s in the box? What’s in the box? What’s in the box?

COSMO: What’s in the box, sweetie?

AUDIENCE: What’s in the box? What’s in the box? What’s in the box? What’s in the box?

Wanda secretly uses her magic wand behind her back. She and Cosmo open the box to reveal that Clementine was inside. The audience applauds. Clementine looks around confused and smiles nervously.

COSMO: Yes! Flourish!

Wanda and Cosmo lead Clementine in bowing.

COSMO: Now let’s get out of here!

He runs backstage. Wanda follows him.

COSMO: Sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I’m so stupid.

WANDA: Darling, it’s alright. It’s alright. It’s alright. But what is going on with you?

COSMO: I have no idea! I’ve been feeling strange all day!

WANDA: Okay, okay.

She poofs up a list that says ‘What Cosmo has eaten today’. And she sees in bold letters, ‘RUMP ROAST’ is on there.

WANDA: Oh.

COSMO: Oh. Rump roast.

WANDA: Mm.

With her magic wand, Wanda erases rump roast off of the list and Cosmo is back to normal

COSMO: Ah, I’m not as charming without it though.

WANDA: Cosmo you should’ve remembered how rump roast really affects us fairies. Plus, you’re back to yourself and that’s all I care about. Now, let’s get out of here before Mary and the planning committee string us up for ruining the show.

They abscond off to the side. Mary and some others are on stage and everyone is clapping. Wanda and Cosmo try to hide their faces as they pass, but Mary sees them.

MARY: You two, stop right there.

They stop and turn.

MARY: Nothing like what you two just did up here has ever happened in the history of our talent show.

WANDA: Mary, we are so-

MARY: Hilarious! That was the most hilarious act we’ve ever seen. Wouldn’t you all agree?

SAVANNAH: Yes.

The whole crowd applauds.

COSMO: Oh, yes!

MARY: You two, come on up. Come on.

They come on stage.

MARY: On behalf of the planning committee, I would like to award you with the inaugural Comedy Performance Of The Year.

Mary gives Wanda the award.

WANDA: Oh, thank you!

The crowd applauds again. They all stand up. Wanda sees Clementine applauding in the audience and gestures for her to join them.

CLEMENTINE: (excited) I have to ask, one second I’m backstage and in the next, I’m in a dark cubby hole! How’d you do it?

COSMO: Oh, a magician never reveals his secrets. He leaves that to his assistant!

WANDA: And she’s not talking.

CLEMENTINE: I had a feeling you’d say that.

They bow one last time.

EDWIN: (Shouting) For the children!

AUDIENCE: For the children!

INT. LIVING ROOM, NIGHT

Cosmo and Wanda arrive home. Wanda spins around and Cosmo catches her.

COSMO: You were tremendous, Glamour!

WANDA: As were you, Mr. Fairyman.

She walks over to the couch and places their trophy down.

WANDA: I don’t know what I was so worried about. It wasn’t so hard to fit in after all.

Cosmo sits next to her on the couch.

COSMO: And all we had to do was be ourselves!

WANDA: Well, with a few modifications.

COSMO: And it was all for the children.

WANDA: For the children. Well, I think the children might need some popcorn.

Wanda gets up.

COSMO: Wanda?

WANDA: Hm? What?

She turns around, Cosmo looks at her and gets up. It’s revealed that his wife is heavily pregnant. She gasps.

WANDA: Cosmo, is this really happening?

COSMO: Yes, my love. It’s really happening.

They go to kiss, but there’s a loud thud outside.

COSMO: If it’s that tree again, I’ll do something to it! I don’t know what yet but it won’t be pretty!

He puts on his fedora and walks outside. Wanda looks nervous and ties up her bow in the back of her hair and follows him. 

EXT. COSMO AND WANDA’S HOUSE - NIGHT

They appear outside and the peaceful music comes to a stop as they approach the sidewalk.

WANDA: I don’t see anything.

They look around. A noise catches their attention. Down the street, something is jostling a sewer grate.

COSMO: What is that?

A small hand comes out of the sewer.

COSMO: Wanda...

He comes up behind her. They pay close attention to the sewer and a man, no, a humanoid creature, who gets out of the sewer. The thing looked very short, about the height and size of a 9 year old child, and was floating in the air with its sharp and square wings. The thing’s body was very squared as well, wearing a gray business suit with a black tie, and small little dress shoes to cover its feet that just hovered in the air. There were no facial expressions however, because its head was wearing what looked like a motorcycle helmet to protect itself, blocking any recognition in the human face. The thing was looking around the premises, the houses, and the street lights, and eventually spotted Wanda and Cosmo.

WANDA: No.

Time rewinds back to when they were in the house.

WANDA: Cosmo, is this really happening?

COSMO: Yes, my love. It’s really happening.

They kiss. Wanda pulls back and sees that Cosmo’s face is now in color.

WANDA: Cosmo.

They both look around and the whole house transforms from black and white to color. They look at each other with glee, and they kiss again. A hexagon zooms in and frames them. As the scene fades out, and the same voice from the radio is heard.

MAN ON THE RADIO: Wanda? Who’s doing this to you, Wanda? Wanda?

END CREDITS

Chapter Text

TITLE SEQUENCE

A reel plays with clips from the previous episode.

CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOM, DAY

Cut to an establishing shot of the house, then inside. DOCTOR HATEMAN, an absolutely horrific man who is way too cocky of himself, with swoopy black hair and a big elongated head uses a stethoscope to listen to Wanda’s belly. After a few moments of listening, he takes the stethoscope away.

DR. HATEMAN: Yep, definitely pregnant.

He gets up and puts his stethoscope in his bag.

WANDA: Oh. Well, that much we figured.

COSMO: It’s just kind of taken us by surprise. It’s just kind of sudden, quite suddenly, wasn’t it? I mean, practically ovеrnight! I mean, how did this happen?

DR. HATEMAN: You see, when a man and a woman lovе each other very much-

WANDA: Well, we’re just tickled pink. Or blue!

DR. HATEMAN: You’re at about four months now, is that right?

Wanda nods. Cosmo shakes his head. They look at each other and Cosmo switches to nodding.

DR. HATEMAN : I thought as much. I let the little ladies keep tabs on their growing babies with fruit. Makes it simple for them. I know how much better it does for you.

Wanda and Cosmo give each other looks.

DR.  HATEMAN: At four months, the fetus is about as big as a pear. At five months, a papaya. Six, grapefruit. Seven, pineapple. Eight, honeydew.

COSMO: Oh ok! So what size fruit would it be at say, hmm, twelve hours?

DR. HATEMAN: Uh, pardon? Twelve hours?

WANDA: Well, I think this line of questioning is fruitless.

COSMO: Well actually no. I just want to ask, should we be concerned?

DR. HATEMAN: Hypothetically speaking, every new father-to-be gets nervous.

COSMO: Nervous! Now what makes you think I could be nervous! If that was me pregnant oh, I would be a mess! I am just happy to be here and to be a dad! Plus I found this nickel.

WANDA: Ahem. Cosmo, why don’t you see the doctor out?

COSMO: (Ashamed) Alright...

Cosmo walks with the doctor to the front door.

COSMO: Thank you so much for dropping by, Dr. Hateman.

Wanda smiles and walks to the kitchen while rubbing her belly, and Cosmo and Dr. Hateman walk out of the house.

EXT. COSMO AND WANDA’S HOUSE - DAY

DR. HATEMAN: Well, I’m just glad you caught me in time. I’m taking the wife on vacation this afternoon.

COSMO: Oh, have a nice holiday. Hey, Bryce!

Cosmo waves at Bryce next door, who is trimming some hedges.

BRYCE: Hey, buddy!

Bryce waves back. Cosmo turns back to the doctor.

COSMO: Listen, can you keep news of Wanda’s…

He makes a noise and mimes around his belly.

COSMO: You know, just between us, because, uh, I don’t know. Everything’s happening so quickly. We’d like to keep the news just in the family for right now.

DR. HATEMAN: Of course. Mum’s the word. I’m off. Fawn Falls, baby!

He pumps his fist. Cosmo awkwardly does too in response. Cosmo looks over and sees Bryce, who is running his hedge trimmer through the wall separating their properties.

COSMO: Hey, Bryce! Think you might have taken the hedge-trimming a little too far there, old chum.

BRYCE: So I have. Thanks, buddy.

Bryce continues to saw through the wall.

COSMO: Yeah… Don’t mention it. Just... do what you want!

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

Cosmo walks back inside.

COSMO: Huh. Strangest thing just happened outside with Bryce- Woah, Nelly!

Wanda turns, revealing herself to be much more visibly pregnant than before.

COSMO: Have you gotten bigger?

WANDA: Have I?

She turns, knocking some fruit off of a table. Cosmo points his magic wand hesitantly at the fruit bowl and puts it back to its original state before Wanda bumped into it with magic.

WANDA: I can’t tell from this angle.

Cosmo starts to fly in the house with his fairy wings and grabs a papaya from the fruit bowl.

COSMO: I can’t wait-

He giggles and hugs the papaya like it’s a teddy bear.

COSMO: -to be a proud papaya.

TRANSITION AND TIME SKIP TO SOME TIME LATER IN INT. COSMO AND WANDA’S HOUSE - DAY

Wanda with her magic wand of course, makes a crib still in its package magically turn out to be fully assembled in a nursery room, complete with cushions, blanket, pillow and a little stuffed animal. As she looks around for more stuff to do in the nursery, Cosmo in some reading glasses sits in a chair with a wand in one of his hands and reads from a floating parenting book.

COSMO: “Nesting: The overwhelming urge during pregnancy to clean, organize, and prepare the home for the new baby.”

WANDA: See? You’re an expert already.

She poofs up a ceiling mobile with blue, red, and green stars hanging from it and it appears on the ceiling above the crib.

COSMO: Well, good news is that there’s nothing to worry about ! Outside of morning sickness, mood swings, aching back, and feet… Wanda, you should probably sit down.

He gets up and puts down his magic wand, letting the book fall into his hands. He takes off his reading glasses and walks to Wanda.

WANDA: Don’t be silly. All I feel is excitement, happiness, and- Oh!

She looks down at her belly.

COSMO: Ah! Kicking? Already?

He feels her belly.

COSMO: Wow!

WANDA: Oh, it’s such a strange sensation. It’s kind of fluttery.

She laughs, and the stars on the ceiling mobile flutter around the room gracefully.

WANDA: Oh, did I do that? I didn’t mean to.

COSMO: Well, if that was the first kick, that puts you at about six months! Sheesh woman! This is going quickly! I can’t keep up! Oh, I can’t wait to meet you, little Poof!

He kisses Wanda’s belly.

WANDA: Poof? Where did the name Poof come from?

COSMO: Oh, you know, like our magic. Whenever we fling our magic wands it makes that poof! smoke cloud appear? I think it’s cute!

WANDA: Well actually, I was thinking Timmy. You know, just a nice, classic, not fairy related, all-American name.

COSMO: Hmm, Timmy…

Beat.

COSMO: Nope! I still want a baby Poof!

WANDA: Well, I guess there’s only one solution to this debate. Hope for a girl.

She points her wand at a section of the wall and paints a stork, adorned with pink and blue flowers.

COSMO: Well I think we should decide soon! I would try to figure out an estimate for the baby’s due date, but unfortunately I am too carefree!

WANDA: He’s gonna be here before you figure it out.

COSMO: Well actually, I could try to guess and say that Poof-

WANDA: Timmy.

COSMO: Is due Friday afternoon!

WANDA: (worrisome) In three days? Maybe I should sit down.

Some time later, Cosmo looks at a doll in the living room while Wanda stands in the kitchen in the background. Cosmo points at himself, and then the doll.

COSMO: (To the doll) I think we have an understanding. (To Wanda) Start the clock!

Wanda starts a timer on the kitchen counter. As the timer ticks Cosmo tries to quickly change the doll’s diaper, to practice for the future child of course. After he finishes changing the diaper, he holds his hands up.

COSMO: Time!

WANDA: Your personal best.

COSMO: Yes! We are nothing if not prepared! Now, can you remind me why I can’t use my wand to magically have the child have a new clean diaper?

WANDA: Well we don’t want to accidentally hurt the baby with our magic!

COSMO: Nah! We’re Fairies! And the baby’s gonna be a Fairy too! I’m sure they can handle it!

Wanda grabs her belly.

WANDA: Ooh!

COSMO: Wanda?

WANDA: Ooh. Do any of your books talk about this? It’s not painful, but it’s strange.

COSMO: A tightening sensation?

WANDA: Yep, that’s it.

COSMO: Ok! Uhm, where was it, where was it…

He uses his wand to quickly look through the baby book and lands on one of the pages.

COSMO: Braxton Hicks contractions, also known as false labor, usually starts in the third trimester. Ooh! It was named after John Braxton Hicks in 1875-

WANDA: Honey.

COSMO: Oh! Yes, yes uhm... Oo! Excellent.

He gets up and walks over to her.

COSMO: Gives us a chance to work on our breathing exercises! It should go like this.

He demonstrates. They both breathe for a few moments.

WANDA: Yeah, it’s not working. I can still feel it.

COSMO: Aw, I’m sorry.

She groans. Lights begin to flicker and water in the sink begins to overflow and splash around.

WANDA: What’s happening now?

COSMO: What the Dickens? Let’s abandon the kitchen!

They run out as household appliances malfunction around them. They stop in the living room as the lights begin to glow extremely bright and go back to back. Suddenly, everything stops going haywire.

WANDA: It stopped.

COSMO: Yeah. It did. I’ll go check on the neighbors.

WANDA: Yes.

INT. BRANDON ABDUL’S HOUSE - DAY

Brandon is reading a newspaper. His wife, MRS. ABDUL walks in with some silver 3 circled hoop earrings.

MRS. ABDUL: Brandon? Do these earrings make me look fat?

The lights suddenly go out.

BRANDON: Oh, thank God.

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

Cosmo enters through the front door.

COSMO: It appears that the whole block is out.

WANDA: Oh, and that was just a fake contraction. Who knows what will happen when the real thing starts?

She sits on the couch.

WANDA: Do you think they know it’s my fault?

COSMO: Our neighbors?

WANDA: Well, yes, with all the close calls we’ve been having, it seems the people of Fawn Hills are always on the verge of discovering our secret.

Beat.

COSMO: I know what you mean.

He gets a strange look on his face.

COSMO: But it’s more than that, isn’t it?

He sits next to her on the couch.

COSMO: James Von Moore at dinner, Outside with Bryce, I think something’s wrong here, Wanda.

They both just stare at each other and then the shot skips and suddenly cuts back to before Cosmo sat down.

COSMO: Yes, I know what you mean. The truth is, we are in uncharted waters, and you know what?

He sits as he talks.

COSMO: I’m very anxious.

WANDA: We just don’t know what to expect.

COSMO: Nope! We’ll just always be 2 halves of a whole idiot!

They both smile.

COSMO: All I know is that, if that baby’s anything like his ma, Poof will be perfect!

WANDA: You mean Timmy.

COSMO: Riiiiight...

She suddenly gasps.

COSMO: Oh, no! Darling, are you alright?

WANDA: This is a real one!

COSMO: What?

Cosmo starts flying in the house.

WANDA: I thought you said Friday afternoon!

COSMO: Well you know I um... aren’t good with numbers?

Wanda begins doing the breathing exercises. Cosmo looks scared and Wanda tells him to come down with her hands. They both do the breathing exercises together and they both calm down. Wanda gets up and grabs his hands.

WANDA: Better.

COSMO: Yes, thank you, darling. You’re so sweet! Nothing can go wrong!

Thunder rumbles and rain begins pouring inside the room.

WANDA: (Concerned) ... Cosmo?

COSMO: Yes dear?

WANDA: I think my water just broke.

COSMO: Oh!

There is a brief pause.

COSMO: OH MY GOODNESS!

Cosmo makes a gigantic umbrella with his wand and him and Wanda try to not get themselves wet.

COSMO: Well you know, I was just reading about the advantages of water birth!

Wanda breathes heavily in pain and the rain suddenly stops.

WANDA: Oh, thank goodness. And oh! There’s such a huge mess in here!

She uses her wand to create a gigantic air conditioner and Cosmo struggles not to get blown backwards. Wanda gets refreshed by standing right in front of the air conditioner and everything in the house gets dried up.

WANDA: Oh, that’s better.

She begins to groan again.

WANDA: Darling, do you think it’s time to-

COSMO: Call the doctor? Yes!

He runs off and grabs the landline in the kitchen, then puts it back up.

COSMO: Oh no the phones are down, too! I better run! Wait actually, no! He probably already left for vacation!

WANDA: Where? At a time like this?!

COSMO: Oh! Well, in fairness, darling, the baby is approximately nine months early. I better leg it! You’ll be alright here?

WANDA: (stressed) Mhm.

He kisses her, puts on his fedora and flies out of the house as quickly as possible. Wanda gasps and grabs her belly. As she breathes heavily again, she hears a strange noise in the house. She slowly makes her way over, but the doorbell rings and startles her before she goes in.

WANDA: Oh, shoot! Uh, oh!

She opens a closet and ties a bow to hide her crown. She also puts on a heavy navy blue coat to cover her stomach. She opens the door and finds Clementine.

CLEMENTINE: Wanda! What’s up?

Clementine looks at Wanda’s coat curiously.

CLEMENTINE: It’s 75 degrees out. You making a fashion statement?

CUT TO: COMMERCIAL BREAK

INT. LIVING ROOM - AFTERNOON

A mother is sitting on the couch looking distressed as her two little boys are running around the house, making a mess and wrecking havoc as pop music is playing in the back.

NARRATOR: Do you need a break?

MOTHER: Is it that obvious?

NARRATOR: Then have this.

The woman finds a bright yellow room spray bottle with a lemon cap on it, next to her on the couch. She grabs it and sprays it across the room. After smelling it she smiles. She closes her eyes and falls asleep. Next thing she knows she is sent to an imaginary place where she is lying on a field of grass, looking at the trees, the clouds, the rainbow in the sky, and is holding a lemon in her hand. She puts it close to her nose and she smells it.

NARRATOR: Escape to a world all your own, where your problems float away. When you wanna get away, but you don’t wanna go anywhere…

A picture of the room spray and text comes up on screen,

NARRATOR: GigglePi. “It used to be sour, but now it can be sweet”.

CUT BACK TO INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

Clementine walks in.

WANDA: Hi, Clementine. You know, now is not really a good time.

CLEMENTINE: No, no, no, it’s foxy. You’ll have to let me borrow it sometime. But first, I gotta borrow a bucket. Not to wear, to use.

Wanda angrily closes the front door. She looks at Clementine with a “Are you serious right now?” face.

CLEMENTINE: Somehow, all the pipes in my ceiling burst at once and I gotta bail myself out.

WANDA: Alright, sure! Just stay right there. I think I might have a bucket in the kitchen.

Wanda jogs over to the kitchen.

CLEMENTINE: Well, okay, then.

INT. KITCHEN - DAY

WANDA: I think it’s just here under the sink!

She yells as she says “sink,” and her coat turns into a bright yellow raincoat. Clementine yells from the living room.

CLEMENTINE: Are you alright in there?

WANDA: Yes, I’m just looking!

She groans again and the raincoat turns into a fur coat.

CLEMENTINE: I’ll come help.

Clementine begins walking over.

WANDA: (Aggressive) No! I mean, (Singing) no thank you!

Wanda throws the coat off as Clementine enters. Wanda quickly holds a fruit bowl in front of herself.

CLEMENTINE: Bingo!

She pulls a bucket out of a closet and turns to Wanda.

CLEMENTINE: Would you look at that.

WANDA: What?

CLEMENTINE: Fruit! Wanda! Thank you.

She walks over and grabs an apple.

CLEMENTINE: Yummy.

Clementine walks away. Wanda follows.

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

WANDA: Well, good luck with the leak.

CLEMENTINE: Oh, th- Oh! Say, Wanda, I’ve got a question for you.

Clementine walks over to the couch.

CLEMENTINE: You know how I’ve been working that temp job, right?

Clementine and Wanda both sit down.

CLEMENTINE: Well, my boss, Mr. Haddox, he was going crazy yesterd-

Wanda looks in shock as a stork walks up behind Clementine. She cocks her head at the stork.

CLEMENTINE: Oh, look at me going on and on like you got all the time in the world. Let me go on and get-

Clementine grabs her bucket and puts the handle on her arm like how you would carry a purse in one hand, and an apple in the other and makes her way to the door.

WANDA: Wait!

Clementine turns back to Wanda before spotting the stork.

WANDA: Ah, no, tell me about the temp job.

CLEMENTINE: Oh, that’s my girl! 

Clementine sits back down and begins to tell her story.

CLEMENTINE: So, yesterday my boss Mr. Haddox was going crazy working on the slogan for a new breakfast cereal. You know, the one with the little marshmallow moonmen?

WANDA: Oh?

She watches as the stork walks around the house in the background.

CLEMENTINE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, those. So, it’s 10 minutes before the big presentation, and Mr. Haddox has got nothing.

As Clementine talks, Wanda tries to make the stork disappear. A group of soft pink clouds appear covering the stork, but it still remains.

CLEMENTINE: Nothing, that is, except for the worst case of hiccups I ever did see.

The stork begins to walk closer to the pair in the living room.

CLEMENTINE: Oh, Wanda, he couldn’t get out one word, let alone a whole pitch!

Wanda tries to make the stork disappear again, but it just flaps the magic away.

CLEMENTINE: So I’m trying every trick in the book to help this poor man. I’m hiding behind filing cabinets and jumping out when he least expects it, like, boom!

Wanda jumps and throws an orange at the stork, which runs away.

CLEMENTINE: Wanda!

The stork makes a noise. Clementine gets up and looks around.

CLEMENTINE: What was that? Did you, did you hear that?

WANDA: No.

CLEMENTINE: It was like a chattering sound, like a…

WANDA: Oh! Like a-

Wanda imitates the noise of the stork.

CLEMENTINE: Yeah.

WANDA: That’s my new ice maker built right into the fridge.

Clementine looks around and Wanda just smiles at her awkwardly hoping she doesn’t question anything else. Clementine looks back at Wanda and smiles.

CLEMENTINE: Oh! You’re fancy.

She laughs and sits back down.

CLEMENTINE: So now, at this point, I am helping Mr. Haddox do a handstand under the water cooler, because, you know, why not try a little upside down, drink those hiccups away. And, wouldn't you know it, in that moment, in walks the client.

Wanda watches the stork walk around the other side of the couch.

WANDA: Oh, no.

CLEMENTINE: Oh yes, oh yes. But you know me Wanda, I keep my cool no matter what’s goin’ down. So I look at the client, and I look at Mr. Haddox’s feet sitting in the air next to me-

The stork, unseen by Clementine, begins nipping at her indigo flare pants.

CLEMENTINE: -and I look back at the client, and I say, “Gravity Os: Launch into your day the right way.”

Clementine laughs, sending the stork off into the nursery.

WANDA: (Laughing and crying) Oh, thank you.

CLEMENTINE: Yes, and that’s exactly what Mr. Haddox said right before he told me to clean out my desk.

WANDA: Oh, no, Clementine! He didn’t fire you.

CLEMENTINE: Oh, sugar. He hired me!

WANDA: Oh!

Clementine gets up.

CLEMENTINE: Oh, Wanda! I landed a promotion. And now that I’ve gone all corporate, I need some office supplies. Which brings me to my question. Do y’all still keep those in your spare room?

She begins walking to the nursery.

GERALDINE: Because I was hoping you wouldn't mind sharing with your good friend.

WANDA: Wait, wait!

Geraldine walks into the nursery, while Wanda puts down the fruit bowl and grabs a flower vase nearby to hide her stomach and she tries running after her.

INT. NURSERY ROOM - DAY

The previous aforementioned stork stands up against the painting of a stork on the wall, but Clementine doesn’t notice.

CLEMENTINE: Is that what I think it is?

WANDA: Oh, a stork? Yes, I can explain.

CLEMENTINE: No, the crib!

Wanda gasps and drops the flower vase. She begins panting.

WANDA: Oh, it’s coming. Oh, the baby’s coming.

CLEMENTINE: You’re pregnant?

EXT. HATEMAN’S DRIVEWAY, DAY

Dr. Hateman has the front of his car open. He hits his head as he backs out.

DR. HATEMAN: Ow! Fawn Falls awaits, and my car decides to poop out right at this moment.

He slams the lid shut. Cosmo arrives.

DR. HATEMAN: Well, Mr. Cosma. Is everything okay with the wife?

COSMO: Yes, so long as we hurry!

He picks up Dr. Hateman and flies away.

CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOM, DAY

Clementine helps Wanda into the living room. Wanda is groaning.

CLEMENTINE: Now, let’s get you comfortable, okay?

Clementine grabs some pillows from the couch.

WANDA: Oh, I think I’m gonna lay down right here.

Wanda lays down behind the couch. A nearby vacuum goes haywire all by itself.

WANDA: Cosmo ran to get the doctor, he’ll be back soon.

Clementine sets up some pillows for Wanda to rest her head.

CLEMENTINE: No, no, no there’s not enough time for that! Relax, relax.

She grabs the bucket and runs to the kitchen. Wanda screams in pain.

CLEMENTINE: You know your breathing, right?

Wanda breathes harshly.

CLEMENTINE: Wanda, I can’t hear you?

All around the house things go haywire. A painting hanging near the staircase starts spinning around and round. Wanda screams and the fireplace magically goes off producing an aggressive orange fire.  Clementine runs back to Wanda with the bucket and gasps when a light fixture falls onto a table.

CLEMENTINE: I-I may be late to the party, but I imagine there is a logical explanation for this.

WANDA: (Yelling) Oh it’s all perfectly natural!

CLEMENTINE: Hey, hey, you’re doing great! You’re doing great! Look at me, look at me.

She imitates the breathing pattern.

CLEMENTINE: Come on.

Wanda does a set of the breathing, wincing as she does it.

WANDA: I can’t do this.

CLEMENTINE: Yes, you can.

Wanda shakes her head.

WANDA: (Sad) I can’t, I can’t.

CLEMENTINE: You can do this. Yes, you can! You can do this!

Clementine checks under Wanda’s clothes.

CLEMENTINE: It’s time to start pushing.

WANDA: Oh.

CLEMENTINE: You ready?

Wanda keeps shaking her head.

CLEMENTINE: You’re ready. You’re ready! Push, push, Wanda, push!

Wanda yells.

CLEMENTINE: Push! That a girl!

Things reach a climax in the house and normal objects act up even more before finally setting down as Wanda begins to breathe normally again. Clementine gets up holding a baby wrapped up in a magenta blanket and it begins to cry.

CLEMENTINE: It’s a boy!

Wanda breathes in and out and giggles. Clementine hands the baby to her.

WANDA: (Whispering, to the baby) Hi! (To Clementine) Oh, he’s perfect.

Cosmo rushes in with Dr. Hateman on his back.

COSMO: Oh, no, I missed it!

Wanda looks up at Cosmo on the ground and they both smile at each other.

CLEMENTINE: Hey, doc, why don’t you help me out in the kitchen there?

DR. HATEMAN: We went so fast, it was like we were flying!

Dr. Hateman stumbles. Clementine helps him into the kitchen.

COSMO: Well done, Wanda!

He puts his hands together and approaches her. He looks around and takes off his hat. He kneels down and picks up the baby.

WANDA: Ooh, you’re strong.

COSMO: Hello there, little Timmy!

She tilts her head at her husband.

WANDA: Timmy?

COSMO: Yes, Timmy.

He leans in to kiss her, but she screams. He screams back in surprise.

COSMO: What?! Good heavens!

Wanda begins to heave.

COSMO: There’s another baby coming!

WANDA: Poof?!

COSMO: Wanda, push, push!

She continues to yell. Transition to some time later. Dr. Hateman holds one baby and Cosmo holds the other. Wanda stands between them and Clementine sits on the couch.

DR. HATEMAN: Twenty fingers and twenty toes! You’ve got two healthy baby boys on your hands.

He hands her the baby he was carrying.

WANDA: Thank you, doctor.

DR. HATEMAN: All in a day's work.

He turns to Clementine.

DR. HATEMAN Cont’: And thank you for your assistance, young lady. I think you might have what it takes to be a nurse.

Clementine looks at Wanda with a surprised smile and Wanda shakes her head.

COSMO: Allow me to walk you out, doctor.

Cosmo places one of the babies in a crib.

DR. HATEMAN : Oh, alright. As long as we actually walk this time.

COSMO: Oh, sure! Whatever you want!

They leave. Clementine gets up.

WANDA: I do owe you a debt of gratitude.

Clementine chuckles. 

EXT. COSMO AND WANDA’S HOUSE - DAY

Outside, Dr. Hateman and Cosmo walk out of the house.

COSMO: Well, Dr. Hateman, I hope you’re still able to make your trip!

DR. HATEMAN: Ah, yes, my trip. I don’t think we’ll get away after all. Small towns, you know. So hard to escape.

He leaves. Cosmo looks confused.

COSMO: Yeah…

Cosmo turns to walk back inside. He notices Brenda and Bryce talking in hushed tones nearby.

BRENDA: (Quietly) What is she doing in there?

COSMO: Howdy neighbors!

BRYCE: Hey!

BRENDA: Howdy!

Brenda and Bryce go back to whispering. Cosmo turns to go inside again, but then walks over to the pair.

COSMO: Remarkable day we’re having, no? Did you lose power, too?

BRENDA: Oh, sure did. But my husband looks better in the dark, so I’m not complaining.

COSMO: Hi Bryce.

BRYCE: Hey, buddy.

There’s an awkward pause.

COSMO: Well, I’ll get back to Wanda.

He turns and starts to walk away.

BRENDA: Cosmo!

He turns back.

BRENDA: Is Clementine inside with Wanda?

COSMO: Yes, why?

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

CLEMENTINE: You’re such a strong lady.

WANDA: Oh.

She waves her hand dismissively.

CLEMENTINE: Can you believe this? Twins.

She pats Timmy on the head.

WANDA: I’m a twin. I had a sister. Her name was Blonda.

Clementine looks at Wanda somberly. Wanda begins singing a lullaby for her children. It sounds like a love ballad about when she and Cosmo first met.

CLEMENTINE: She was killed by Anti-Cosmo, wasn’t she?

Wanda looks at Clementine, disappointed. A tear falls down her face.

WANDA: (Whimpering) What did you say?

EXT. COSMO AND WANDA’S HOUSE - DAY

BRYCE: She’s new to town. Brand new.

BRENDA: There’s no family. No husband.

COSMO: Well, there’s nothing wrong with that.

BRENDA: Hmm. No home.

COSMO: What?

Cut back inside.

WANDA: What did you say… just now?

CLEMENTINE: I said, Wanda, you’re such a strong lady. Should I say it one more time for good measure?

She walks away and sits on the couch.

WANDA: No. What did you say about Blonda?

CLEMENTINE: Blonda? Uh… Hey, I’ll take a shift rocking the babies.

WANDA: No, I think you should leave.

CLEMENTINE: Oh, Wanda, don’t be like that.

Wanda looks at Clementine’s necklace. Cut back outside.

COSMO: What do you mean she has no home?

BRYCE: She came here because… She came here because… She came here because we’re all…

COSMO: She came here because we’re all what? What are you trying to tell me?

Cut back inside.

WANDA: What is that?

CLEMENTINE: What?

WANDA: That.

Clementine lifts up the charm on her necklace. It was a normal very light teal pearl necklace, but Wanda could tell what was wrong. The charm on Clementine’s necklace was of a fake clay recreation of a tooth.

WANDA: That symbol.

CLEMENTINE: I, uh, I, uh…

WANDA: Who are you?

CLEMENTINE: I don’t…

Cut back outside.

BRYCE: She came here because we’re all-

BRENDA: Stop it!

Cut back inside.

WANDA: Who are you?

CLEMENTINE: Wanda.

Wanda backs Clementine up against a wall. The babies start crying in the background.

CLEMENTINE: I… I… Wanda.

Cut back outside.

BRENDA: Well, I better get going. That macramé’s not gonna hitch itself.

She winks and rings a bell on her bicycle and rides away.

COSMO: Bryce?

BRYCE: Catch you on the flip side, Cosmo.

He walks away and Cosmo turns around to the house. 

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

COSMO: Wanda?

Wanda is seen standing over the crib. The babies are no longer crying.

COSMO: Where’s Clementine?

WANDA: Oh, she left, honey. She had to rush home.

Wanda looks at the twins and smiles.

EXT. FAWN HILLS OUTSKIRTS, NIGHT

Cut to a shot of a “Welcome To Fawn Hills” sign. A strange shimmer appears in the air. Clementine is thrown backwards out of it. She lands in the grass. Cars drive up beside her. A helicopter shines a light on her from above. Armed men approach. The camera pulls back and shows a large camp set up near a shimmering wall around Fawn Hills.

END CREDITS

Chapter Text

A reel plays with clips from the previous episode. After the reel is done we cut to black.

INT. HOTEL ROOM - AFTERNOON

THE TOOTH FAIRY walks around her hotel with anxiety welling up in her as she talks on the phone

VOICEMAIL: We’re sorry, but the person you are contacting isn’t available at the moment. If you would like to, you may leave a voicemail after the tone.

The phone beeps.

TOOTH FAIRY: Hey Jorgen, sweetie! Uhm so since you aren’t picking up I’ll just tell you what’s happening. I finished my job last night with the kids and giving them money when they sleep with their tooth, and I’m trying to go back home to Fairy World but for some reason my wand isn’t letting me? Can you come down here in Dimmsdale for me and fix this? I really want to go home. Love you!

She hangs up and she puts her phone on her bed. She sighs and lays down on her queen size bed.

TOOTH FAIRY: That was the fifth voicemail.

She sighs again and slowly closes her eyes and falls asleep, and we fade to black.

INT. HOSPITAL - DAY

Tooth Fairy nervously steps into a hospital trying to find her husband, thinking he might’ve gotten hurt or something trying to find her. None of it made sense though. She walks up to the girl at the receptionist’s desk, to see MRS. TANG , a beautiful young woman with long curly black hair, a pink headband, blue eyes under square glasses and a collared white dress shirt, paired with a fitted pink skirt and white stilettos.

MRS. TANG : Good morning, Tooth Fairy!

TOOTH FAIRY: Good morning, Mrs. Tang! How’s Remy doing?

MRS. TANG : Well since he is my husband, he is doing amazing! But I know you’re not here just for wholesome small talk. What seems to be the issue?

TOOTH FAIRY: You see, you remember my husband, Jorgen, right?

Mrs. Tang nods.

TOOTH FAIRY: I was supposed to go back to Fairy World last afternoon, but my wand wasn’t working so I called Jorgen and no response. I tried multiple times, I tried texting him too but he didn’t say anything. I was wondering if you knew where he was and if he could be in here.

Mrs. Tang looks at her in disbelief.

MRS. TANG : Oh. You don’t know what happened to Jorgen?

TOOTH FAIRY: No. Where is he?

MRS. TANG : Well the problem is, no one knows. He’s been missing for about 2 weeks now.

TOOTH FAIRY: No, no, no, no. This can’t be happening. This isn’t true! My husband can’t go missing. Look his name up in your system! Look up ‘Jorgen Von Strangle’! He probably just showed up on a day you weren’t at work!

MRS. TANG : I’m sorry, Fatina, but it’s true. Your husband has been missing for two weeks.

Mrs. Tang hands her a missing poster on a nearby shelf of Jorgen, stating the last date he was seen by anyone, and his information.

MRS. TANG : It’s in the fine print.

The Tooth Fairy looks at Mrs. Tang with a look of denial.

CONTINUED TITLE SEQUENCE

CUT TO: INT. PIXIES INC., DAY

An establishing shot shows Pixies Inc. from afar. Cut inside. Tooth Fairy walks in wearing what looks like a gray business suit. She attempts to swipe an ID card to open a door, but it gives a negative beep in response. A guard at a desk waves at her.

SECURITY GUARD: Ma’am, over here, please.

The Tooth Fairy floats over to the security guard’s desk.

TOOTH FAIRY: Hi, good morning. I work here, and-

SECURITY GUARD: If you did, your badge would work, wouldn't it.

TOOTH FAIRY: Right. Um, I have a meeting with-

H.P: Hey, you know who this is?

H.P , also known as HEAD PIXIE , flies over to where Tooth Fairy and the security guard is. He wears the same dull gray suit that the Tooth Fairy has on. He looks old. He had silver hair and a gray cone hat on top of his head. He puts up his round black glasses that reflect his purple eyes.

TOOTH FAIRY: -this guy.

H.P: Captain Fatina Von Strangle.

TOOTH FAIRY: CEO Head Pixie.

They shake hands.

H.P: CEO of Pixies Inc, of course. It’s been a while. You haven’t aged a day.

TOOTH FAIRY: And you look old as hell.

H.P: Come on, let’s catch you up.

He leads her through the doors. She pauses to look at a plaque of her husband on the way.

H.P: It’s been two weeks and you’re the first to report. Can’t say I’m surprised, captain.

TOOTH FAIRY: What’s going on at the moment for Pixies Inc?

H.P: The fairies and the humans who work here are doing fine, but half of my pixie employees are in distress and exceeding very unusual amounts of sadness. It hasn’t been the same since the last time you were in Fairy World, Fatina.

TOOTH FAIRY: Weird. Is Sanderson okay?

H.P: Oh no, he’s doing great and is as busy as ever, but we both decided that that half of the pixie employees were sick with some unknown disease so we sent them home.

They pass through a large warehouse where various things are being built.

H.P: As you know, our company is now focused on robotics, technology, AI and Sentient weapons, like it says on the door.

TOOTH FAIRY: It also says observation and response on that door, not creation.

H.P: World’s not the same as you left it. Space is now full of unexpected threats.

TOOTH FAIRY: Always was full of threats, and allies.

They arrive at H.P’s office and H.P opens the door that leads to it.

H.P: The F.B.I. is in a tizzy over a missing persons case up in California-

TOOTH FAIRY: Missing persons?

H.P: I know. But they have requested use of one of our new technologically advanced pixie cellphones, and I need a chaperone.

TOOTH FAIRY: H.P, those phones usually chaperone me.

H.P: I get it.

TOOTH FAIRY: Look, if this is because of... You know what? You don’t have to worry about me. I’m good.

H.P: There’s no easy way to say this, but you’re grounded.

TOOTH FAIRY: I’m sorry, what?

H.P: Terrestrial missions only.

TOOTH FAIRY: You’re kidding. For how long? Whose protocol is this?

H.P: Your husband’s. He implemented  new guidelines before he disappeared. Look, I know it’s a raw deal, but there is one positive takeaway.

TOOTH FAIRY: What’s that?

H.P: He believed you’d come back. For him. For us. For Pixies Inc. You’d be doing me a big favor with this F.B.I. thing, but if you need more time-

TOOTH FAIRY: No. No, I’m good to go.

H.P: Excellent. Once you show up to the aforementioned place, you’ll meet one of my employees there which will help you get back into the move of things.

TOOTH FAIRY: Are they a fairy, human, or pixie?

H.P: I’m not telling you.

He hands her a file.

H.P: Keep me updated, captain.

She walks away. Cut to shots of her driving. She leaves Pixies Inc. and heads into California, taking an exit ramp to get to Fawn Hills. When she pulls up, SANDERSON , a short pixie with a square head and body, pixie uniform, sunglasses and dark black hair styled to have a portion of it stick out from his head. He is talking to two local fairy cops and Tooth Fairy gets out of her car. Sanderson approaches her.

SANDERSON: Mr. Sanderson, Pixies Inc.

He pulls out his business card.

TOOTH FAIRY: Fatina Von Strangle, aka ‘The Tooth Fairy’, also Pixies Inc.

She takes his card.

TOOTH FAIRY: I’m assuming Head Pixie assigned you to help me on this case?

SANDERSON: Of course. That man trusts me with pretty much anything, with me being his assistant.

TOOTH FAIRY: Right. So what’s the story here then, Sanderson?

SANDERSON: I’ve got a witness set up down the road in Fawn Hills, and this morning, it looked like he flew the coop.

TOOTH FAIRY: Your missing person is in the Witness Protection Program?

SANDERSON: I have contacted known associates, relatives-

TOOTH FAIRY: And let me guess, none of them have seen him either?

SANDERSON: No. None of them have ever heard of him. 

Beat.

SANDERSON Cont’: Something seemed hanky to me, so I flew and went to interface with local law enforcement, which is when I encountered a new wrinkle.

TOOTH FAIRY: What is that?

He nods over to the two fairy cops. They walk over.

SANDERSON: Pardon me, Sheriff, would you mind repeating your claim about Fawn Hills to my colleague here?

SHERIFF: No such place.

The “Welcome To Fawn Hills” sign is seen right behind him.

TOOTH FAIRY: You’re saying the town of Fawn Hills, California, doesn’t exist?

SHERIFF: It’s what I keep telling this pixie over here, but he won’t listen.

TOOTH FAIRY: I see. And, um, I’m sorry, what town are you from?

SHERIFF: Deer Hills.

Tooth Fairy nods in doubt.

SANDERSON: Thank you, Sheriff. I’ll reach out if we need any further assistance.

The police men and Sanderson and the Tooth Fairy go their separate ways.

SANDERSON: I, uh, pulled phone numbers for all the residents. I’m only through the Ds, but so far I got Diddly Squat.

TOOTH FAIRY: So, you can’t reach anyone inside, and everyone on the outside has some sort of selective amnesia?

SANDERSON: This isn’t a missing persons case, Fatina, it’s a missing town . Population ten thousand, eight hundred, and ninety two.

TOOTH FAIRY: Why haven’t you gone inside to investigate?

SANDERSON: Cause it doesn’t want me to. You can feel it too, can’t you?

They stare down the road into Fawn Hills.

SANDERSON: Nobody’s supposed to go in.

The Tooth Fairy pops her trunk and pulls out a pixie cellphone. She sets it up.

TOOTH FAIRY: So, why is it that you have an awareness of Fawn Hills?

Using a separate controller, The tooth fairy is ready to control the phone. The pixie cell phone uses its star antenna to create a propeller. Once it is complete. She uses it to move the phone into Fawn hills.

TOOTH FAIRY: Is it because we are outside of a certain radius, or maybe because we don’t have a personal connection?

SANDERSON: Hmm.

The camera view of the pixie cellphone on the controller begins to get static. They look up and see the phone is missing.

TOOTH FAIRY: Wait, where’d it go?

SANDERSON: It was right there.

They walk closer to the town. The Tooth Fairy spots a buzzing energy field.

SANDERSON: What is it?

TOOTH FAIRY: Some sort of energy field.

She walks closer and reaches out towards it.

SANDERSON: Careful, Tooth Fairy.

She sticks her hand in and sees the effect on her hand.

SANDERSON: Tooth Fairy. Watch it. Fatina!

She sticks her hand in further and is suddenly pulled inside of the energy field.

SANDERSON: Fatina! Fatina!

Cut to a vehicle driving down the same road The Tooth Fairy drove in on. Text on screen reads, “24 HOURS LATER.” Cut inside the vehicle. Two people sit in the front seats. The camera pans past a man to VICKY , a young adult woman with orange hair tied up in a bun, green eyeshadow, pink eyes, and black shirt and leggings with black demonias and a fitted green business jacket. She looks around at the other passengers.

VICKY: Hey.

Across from her and the man next to her are another man and woman. The man looks at her.

VICKY: What’s your field?

MAN 1: We’re not supposed to talk to each other.

VICKY: Hm. Boy Scout leader. Got it.

She turns to the woman.

VICKY: And you?

WOMAN: Nuclear Biology.

Vicky turns to the man next to her.

MAN 2: Artificial Intelligence.

VICKY: Oh great. I’m in Computer Programming. We got the full clown car. It means whatever the threat is, Pixies inc. clearly has no idea what they’re dealing with.

MAN 1: I’m a chemical engineer.

VICKY: No one cares.

DRIVER: Alright, grab your gear.

The vehicle stops. The back doors open to a full Pixies Inc, camp. Vicky walks around and passes H.P. The camera pans up to show more of the base. Text comes on screen which reads, “PIXIES INC. RESPONSE BASE/OUTSIDE FAWN HILLS, CA.” Cut back to Vicky as she walks and looks around. A Pixies Inc. agent approaches her.

AGENT: Ms. Manson.

VICKY: Dr. Manson. Jeez. These people never get it right.

AGENT: We have your gear set up inside.

VICKY: Yes!

She follows him into a building. She watches out of a window as some other agents fly a pixie cellphone into the energy field, causing the phone to disappear.

VICKY: Those phones you’re sending in, what kind of data are you getting?

AGENT: I’m afraid that’s highly classified.

VICKY: I knew it! You can’t see anything, can’t you?

He doesn’t respond. She puts her bag down.

VICKY: F.B.I., Army. I saw the Air Force Office of Special Investigations out there.

She sets down a briefcase.

VICKY: Research Lab, Space Command, too? A bona fide, joint, multi-service response. Really looking forward to the commemorative T-shirt. Is there somewhere a girl like me could get a cup of coffee?

She fiddles with a device.

VICKY: You guys look like you might get down with those little pod things. Horrendous for the environment. So how much do y’all make per year again?

AGENT: Make your assessment, please.

She finishes setting up and looks at the data.

VICKY: Woah. I mean… Woah.

AGENT: What’re you getting?

VICKY: A colossal amount of CMBR.

AGENT: CM-

VICKY: Cosmic Microwave Background Radiation.

AGENT: We’ve been told the radiation is within a safe limit.

VICKY: Uh, it is for now.

AGENT: Wait, what do you mean-

She shushes him.

VICKY: There are longer wavelengths superimposed over the noise here.

She looks around and struggles to lift a large device onto the desk.

VICKY: I got it.

She hooks it up to something. Grainy images appear on a screen. The agent leans over and watches. An image of Wanda barely registers for a moment.

VICKY: I need a TV. An old one. Like, not flat.

Cut to some time later. Some agents walk out of a building with helmets on. A lowering device is situated over an open sewer. H.P stands next to it as an agent approaches.

H.P: You good to go?

AGENT: Yes, sir.

H.P: These sewers will take you straight into town. Try to find anything you can on The Tooth Fairy.

AGENT: Copy that.

The agent eases himself down into the sewers. Another agent winds out a cable hooked to him. A man speaks to agent 2 on a radio.

MAN: We’re gonna keep this channel open for you.

AGENT: Copy.

Cut back out of the sewers.

H.P: Keep me updated.

H.P walks away. Sanderson follows.

SANDERSON: Now H.P, I am usually not one to disagree with you, but between you, me, and the bedpost, I am not confident about this mission.

H.P: Thanks for the feedback, Sanderson. If only these phones were as forthcoming.

They enter a nearby tent.

SANDERSON: There’s no reason to suspect the perimeter doesn’t extend subterraneously.

H.P: There’s no reason to suspect it does.

SANDERSON: We don’t know enough about the nature of the threat to send in another agent when the first is yet to return.

They arrive in a control room.

H.P: What do we have up?

AGENT: Radar, lidar, sodar, infrared.

H.P: Cycle through.

The agent displays data on a holographic table as well as screens around the room. H.P looks around.

H.P: Will someone get me a useful visual?

Audience laughter is suddenly heard nearby.

H.P: What is that?

Dialogue from episode one is heard distantly.

H.P: Who’s doing that?

Everyone in the room turns over to Vicky, who’s watching the first episode on a vintage T.V.

WANDA: Who are those people?

COSMO: What are you wearing?

WANDA: Why are they here?

COSMO: What are you wearing?

Sanderson, H.P, and other agents come over to watch Vicky’s monitor.

WANDA: Well, it’s our anniversary!

COSMO: Our anniversary of what?

WANDA: Well, if you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you!

SANDERSON: Is that…?

VICKY: Yeah, it looks like her.

WANDA: Everything I do is for a reason, honey.

VICKY: Look, I know it’s been a crazy few years on this planet, but he’s dead, right?

COSMO: Darling, listen. It’s all romantic to do the candles-

SANDERSON: Yes. He was killed by the Anti Fairies during the Great Fairy Genocide.

H.P: What am I looking at? You, what is this? Where’s this coming from?

VICKY: Out there.

BRENDA: Oh, you didn’t answer the back door. For your upside-down cake!

She hands Wanda the pineapple and Wanda grasps it quickly from Brenda’s hand, and Brenda notices Cosmo. She waves her hand.

BRENDA: Oh! hi! I-

H.P: Is it authentic?

VICKY: I’m not sure how to answer that.

H.P: Is it happening in real time? Is it recorded, fabricated?

VICKY: I don’t know, I don’t know, and I don’t know.

H.P: What do you know?

VICKY: My equipment registered an extremely high level of CMBR. That’s-

H.P: Relic radiation dating back to the big bang.

VICKY: Yeah. Entwined was a broadcast frequency, so I had your goons pick me up a sweet vintage T.V., and when I plug this bad boy in, voila, sound and picture.

WANDA: Dinner is served.

SANDERSON: So you’re saying the universe created a sitcom starring two fairy godparents?

VICKY: It’s a working theory.

H.P: Get me a transport back to headquarters now.

The agent Vicky talked to earlier scurries off.

H.P: Are we recording this?

VICKY: Never stopped.

H.P: I need immediate analysis. Now, people. Let’s go!

Everyone but Vicky and Sanderson scatter.

VICKY: (Sarcastic) He’s a charmer.

SANDERSON: Great work.

VICKY: Thanks.

Sanderson leaves.

VICKY: Maybe I could get that coffee now? Oh come on I deserve it! I don’t take anger management classes for no reason!

Vicky breathes in and breathes out and calms down.

VICKY: Or not. That’s cool.

Vicky turns back to the show. Wanda and Cosmo kiss. She takes some notes, then closes her notebook and puts down her pen. Cut to an external shot of the main tent in the camp.

SANDERSON: First and foremost our main objective is to get any intel on the Tooth Fairy-

Cut inside. Someone wheels in some old fashioned televisions. The camera pans from them to Sanderson talking to a group of pixies and some fairies and humans, including Vicky.

SANDERSON: -but originally, this case was a missing person, so we’re going to start there. We’ve successfully identified two individuals inside the Fawn Hills anomaly.

He places pictures of Wanda and Cosmo from episode one on a board behind him.

SANDERSON: Let’s keep going.

Cut to a shot from the first episode playing on a monitor.

JAMES: YOU KNOW, I’M BEGINNING TO THINK YOU’RE NOT MANAGEMENT MATERIAL, MR. COSMA.

Vicky types something on a computer. Cut to another monitor with a large hexagon. Cut to Sanderson writing on a whiteboard.

VICKY: James Von Moore.

Sanderson turns to see Vicky holding up a file of Jorgen Von Strangle.

VICKY: Played by Jorgen Von Strangle.

She places the piece of paper beside the pictures of Wanda and Cosmo. Cut to someone watching a scene from the first episode where Edwin talks to Cosmo.

EDWIN: Computational forms. And no one can process the data quite like you, sir!

AGENT: Mr. Sanderson.

Sanderson turns and receives a file from the agent.

EDWIN: It’s like, you make the finished data appear like magic, like maybe… a fairy godparent!

SANDERSON: Cupid is Edwin.

Sanderson puts Cupid’s file up on the board. Cut to him writing on the whiteboard. The whiteboard has a bunch of questions on it with the headline ‘What we don’t know.’ There’s questions on there such as ‘Why sitcoms?’ and ‘Same time & space?’ and Sanderson writes under the questions, ‘Is Cosmo alive?’. Vicky continues working on her computer.

BRANDON: I wore a turtleneck!

VICKY: Binky Abdul is Brandon.

Sanderson puts up another file.

SANDERSON: We got Star cast as Savannah.

Vicky puts up another file.

VICKY: Billy Crystal Ball as Bryce.

Sanderson stares at the board. Vicky walks past a monitor and gasps, dropping her instant noodles onto the ground. On the monitor is the Tooth Fairy as an extra in a shot.

VICKY: Does she seem okay to you?

SANDERSON: Well, she doesn’t appear to be harmed in any way, but that is definitely not the same woman I know.

VICKY: So, what, deep cover? Tooth Fairy has to play along?

SANDERSON: With whom? Or else, what? Alright. Brass tacks, Dr. Manson, What are we looking at here? Is it an alternate reality? Time travel? Some cockamamie social experiment?

VICKY: It’s a sitcom. A 1950s sitcom.

SANDERSON: But why?

VICKY: Listen mr, we’re working with the same scarcity of intel. But I do have an idea.

Cut outside. Vicky and Sanderson stand next to a truck with gear on the back.

VICKY: So, you've seen that radio on Wanda’s kitchen counter, right? The next time she’s washing dishes, which by my count happens about once an episode, barf, we’ll shoot a signal to that little guy. This transmitter will mimic the frequency of the broadcast, and if my theory is right, allow us to speak directly to her. This is totally gonna work!

Sanderson reaches for a machine.

VICKY: Don’t touch that!

AGENT: Mr. Sanderson.

An agent approaches Sanderson with a file folder.

SANDERSON: Is this from the current episode?

AGENT: Aired about two minutes ago.

VICKY: What is it?

SANDERSON: What does it look like to you?

Vicky looks at the file and sees the flip phone from episode two.

VICKY: Like a barbie version of a pixie cellphone?

SANDERSON: Bingo.

VICKY: But how did it change? And why?

SANDERSON: Uh, to go with the production design?

VICKY: Or render it useless.

SANDERSON: Why’d you colorize it?

AGENT: I didn’t.

Vicky and Sanderson look at each other.

VICKY: Whatever. Let’s get this show on the road.

Sanderson hands the file back to the agent, who leaves. Vicky sets up the transmitter and runs into a nearby tent. Sanderson puts on a headset. Cut inside the tent. Vicky puts on a headset of her own.

VICKY: Sanderson, you ready?

She sees him give a thumbs-up through a window.

SANDERSON: Ready.

Vicky sits down at a nearby monitor and sees episode two playing.

MARY: ...bigger and better every season.

VICKY: Uh, Sanderson, Tooth Fairy is talking to Wanda. She’s got a speaking part now.

SANDERSON: What is she saying?

VICKY: (Yelling) I’m getting to that, twerp! (Calm) Sorry, old habits.

Vicky goes back to watching.

TOOTH FAIRY: Those pants are peachy keen!

VICKY: She likes Wanda’s pants? Wanda’s at some sort of swim club. We’ve never been here before.

SANDERSON: Is it the 60s still?

VICKY: Uh… Wanda’s with another character.

SANDERSON: Real person.

WANDA: I can’t help but wonder if you and I haven’t gotten-

VICKY: Ooh! Uh, radio on the side table. Start talking.

Sanderson speaks into the transmitter.

SANDERSON: Wanda. Wanda, can you read me, over?

MARY: I don’t-

SANDERSON: Can she hear me?

VICKY: I don’t think so. Keep trying.

SANDERSON: Wanda.

Radio distortion can be heard in the episode.

SANDERSON: Wanda? Wanda? Who is doing this to you, Wanda? Wanda, can you hear me? I’m here to help you.

The episode suddenly cuts.

MARY: Pop quiz, Wanda. How does a housewife get a bloodstain out of white linen?

VICKY: Wait.

SANDERSON: What?

VICKY: I don’t know.

MARY: By doing it herself.

VICKY: That was weird.

SANDERSON: What was?

The episode cuts to commercial.

VICKY: Nothing. It’s over. Mission failure.

SANDERSON: It was worth a try. Good effort, doctor.

VICKY: Yeah, come on in.

Sanderson takes off his headset and looks at the energy field.

CUT TO: INT. SEWERS, NIGHT

The agent continues his way through the sewers. A voice comes in over the radio.

MAN: We have you give meters outside of the perimeter.

The energy field shimmers ahead of the agent. He passes through it. His helmet turns into a normal motorcycle helmet and the cable turns into a jump rope, which falls off of him.

MAN: Hello?

Back on the surface, they reel the cable back in. An agent picks up the jump rope and stares at it in confusion. Inside Fawn Hills, the agent exits the sewers. He turns to black and white.

COSMO: Wanda.

The agent swivels. Wanda and Cosmo stand nearby.

WANDA: No.

INT. PIXIES INC. TENT, NIGHT

Agents set up more old T.Vs. The third episode plays on some of them.

WANDA: Ooh, darling, do you think it’s time to-

COSMO: Call the doctor? Yes!

Pan to Vicky and Sanderson watching the show.

VICKY: 1950s, 1960s, and now the ‘70s? What the hell! It doesn’t make any sense! Why does it keep switching time periods? It can’t be purely for my enjoyment, can it? Although, I don’t blame them if it is.

She eats some chips.

SANDERSON: And I can’t believe Wanda and Cosmo are having a baby. You know, without their godkid’s help.

VICKY: Speaking of that, is that little twerp- I mean kid Timmy in Fawn Hills with them? Is he gonna be in this broadcast?

SANDERSON: Probably not since Timmy still lives in Dimmsdale and doesn’t remember having Cosmo and Wanda, but who knows.

VICKY: You want any?

SANDERSON: Heck, I thought about it for sure. A little Sanderson. Get him a tiny little suit and tie.

Vicky holds up her chips.

SANDERSON: Oh, you… chip? Sure.

TOOTH FAIRY: You’re doing great! Look at me, look at me.

VICKY: The jig is up.

TOOTH FAIRY: It’s time to start pushing.

WANDA: Oh.

TOOTH FAIRY: You ready? You’re ready. You’re ready! Push, push, Wanda, push!

Vicky and Sanderson watch as the Tooth Fairy holds up a baby.

WANDA: (Whispering, to the baby) Hi! (To the Tooth Fairy) Oh, he’s perfect.

VICKY: Twins. What a twist.

Sanderson looks at her.

VICKY: What? I’m invested. I liked this kind of stuff when I was a teen.

CLEMENTINE: She was killed by Anti Cosmo, wasn’t she.

They both swivel.

SANDERSON: Did she just say the name Anti Cosmo? Has that happened before? A reference to our reality?

VICKY: No, never.

TOOTH FAIRY: Hey, I’ll take a shift rocking the babies.

WANDA: No, I think you should leave.

TOOTH FAIRY: Oh, Wanda, don’t be like that.

WANDA: Who are you?

TOOTH FAIRY: Wanda…

VICKY: Wow, this is different.

The show abruptly cuts to Wanda and Cosmo holding the twins while the credits play.

SANDERSON: What happened? Where’d she go?

VICKY: God, not again.

Vicky rewinds the show.

WANDA: Who are you?

TOOTH FAIRY: Wanda…

The same abrupt cut occurs.

VICKY: There’s nothing here. One second, Fatina is standing right there, and the next, she isn’t. Someone is censoring the broadcast.

SANDERSON: But where is she?

An alarm suddenly goes off.

P.A.: Alert! Boundary has been breached! Alert! Boundary has been breached!

The shot zooms in on Vicky’s monitor and cuts to the scene as it plays out. Wanda continues cornering the Tooth Fairy.

WANDA: Who are you?

TOOTH FAIRY: I don’t…

WANDA: Who are you?

TOOTH FAIRY: Wanda, I’m just your neighbor.

WANDA: Then how could you know about Anti Cosmo?

Wanda creates a gigantic pink ball of energy with her magic wand.

WANDA: You’re not my neighbor. And you’re definitely not my friend. You are a stranger and an outsider. And right now, you are trespassing here. And I want you to leave.

She sends the Tooth Fairy flying backwards through three walls and then out of Fawn Hills. Back inside, Wanda turns off her powers. She looks at the holes in the walls for a moment and then rebuilds them. The babies coo. She walks over to them. The door opens behind her. Cosmo enters in the background.

COSMO: Wanda? Where is Clementine?

Cut to the Tooth Fairy sitting in the grass outside Fawn Hills. Cars and agents pull up around her. Back inside, Wanda stares forward.

WANDA: Oh, she left, honey. She had to rush home.

Wanda turns around in shock. Cosmo is shown to have a knife splattered in pink blood stabbed into his forehead, pink blood everywhere. The color is drained from his face and his eyes. Wanda gasps and looks away.

COSMO: What? What is it? What’s wrong? Do you want a hug?

WANDA: No! No! Don’t give me anything!

Wanda looks up again and Cosmo appears normal.

WANDA: Uh…

COSMO: We don’t have to stay here if you want, Wanda. We could go wherever we want!

WANDA: No, we can’t. This is our home.

COSMO: Are you sure?

WANDA: Oh, don’t worry, darling. I have everything under control.

Back outside, an agent tends to the Tooth Fairy. Vicky and Sanderson run over.

SANDERSON: Fatina, are you okay?

TOOTH FAIRY: It’s Wanda. It’s all Wanda.

Back inside, Wanda picks up Poof.

WANDA: Well, what should we watch tonight?

She passes Cosmo, who is holding Timmy. He gives a nervous smile and sits on the couch next to her.

END CREDITS