Chapter Text
The Armed Defective Agency
7:46pm
MotherMayI: I hate Dazai.
diezai: me too ❤️
sinofsloth: what did he do this time
MotherMayI: He used the yen I was saving for a new computer to buy tea on rice for this kid we found near a river.
diezai: he’s lying lmaooo
diezai: he was saving it for an anime body pillow
MotherMayI: No I wasn’t.
diezai: you can’t lie to me when i have access to your amazon account~~
diezai: ƪ(˘⌣˘)ʃ
galwaygirl: …ok but of who?
MotherMayI: I would never do something as crude as he is suggesting.
diezai: hmmmm
diezai: i’ll tell you if you give me the café barista’s #
galwaygirl: you’re a horrible person
galwaygirl: dms
diezai: heheehe
diezai: Misato Katsuragi
MotherMayI: Kill yourself
diezai: i’ve tried already damn
Naomi: i didn’t know kunikida-san was a bottom??
MotherMayI: I would give you a death threat too but unfortunately you’re a girl.
galwaygirl: don’t be sexist she deserves it
sinofsloth: aren’t you two supposed to be finding the tiger or whatever
diezai: we’re working on it 😁
MotherMayI → DrOxytocin , sinofsloth , cerealkiller
8:00pm
MotherMayI: Dazai needs us at the warehouse in the fifteenth district to secure the perimeter.
MotherMayI: It’s about the man-eating tiger, can you all be there?
cerealkiller: ooo a mission~
cerealkiller: yup!! :D
DrOxytocin: We can make it.
sinofsloth: whaaaat? but we’re off duty >:/
DrOxytocin: Ranpo.
sinofsloth: ?? ugh
sinofsloth: fine… dazai better gimme his lunch money tmr though, i’m all out.
cerealkiller: that’s because u spent it all on the vending machine (●'◡'●)
sinofsloth: i am a very hungry man, kenji-kun.
The Armed Defective Agency
1:07am
diezai: GOTTEMMM
↪ MotherMayI: Translation: We captured the man-eating tiger.
diezai: yeah what he said
diezai: ANYWAYS he’s going to be joining the agency :)
cerealkiller: ONE OF US ONE OF US ONEOFUSONEOFUS
galawaygirl: did you even ask him first
diezai: haha
diezai: no
galawaygirl: oh god
diezai: well he’s broke so we’re doing him a favor
MotherMayI: He’s also going to need the Agency’s mandatory therapist.
MotherMayI: He has so much unresolved trauma and anxiety it’s… concerning.
diezai: he just like me fr!!!
cerealkiller: I’M NOT THE NEWBIE ANYMORE !!!
cerealkiller: ( •̀ ω •́ )✧
Naomi: omg is he cute? <3
diezai: no he’s kinda ugly tbh
sinofsloth: that’s rich coming from you lmao
diezai: silence, millennial.
sinofsloth: DO YOU WANNA GO???
diezai: YES. MEET ME BEHIND THAT ONE CHAZUKE PLACE DOWN THE STREET IN 24 HOURS.
sinofsloth: what?
sinofsloth: no, i need to catch up on my beauty sleep.
sinofsloth: that you WASTED forcing us out here in the dead of night smh.
diezai: but it was an emergency 🥺🥺
sinofsloth: i don’t want to hear it.
grandpapi → MotherMayI , diezai
7:45am
grandpapi: Great job, you two.
grandpapi: And Dazai… see me in my office later.
MotherMayI: Thank you, Boss.
diezai: no probs, pops.
grandpapi: Dazai, see me in my office tomorrow.
↪ diezai: 😧👍
diezai: it’s ab the weretiger, right?
diezai: i gave him an agency mandated phone i hope that’s okay haha
grandpapi: It’s fine.
grandpapi: Just wait until after the test to add him to the main group chat, yes?
diezai: scout’s honor 🙇🏻🙇🏻
MotherMayI: Don’t use that phrase when you’ve never been a scout.
diezai: cry about it
MotherMayI: I try to avoid crying when I can, as it is not one of my ideals.
diezai: L