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Nick walked down the stairs as he updated Gatsby on what was happening with Daisy. Each word about his cousin left him feeling sick as he fed into the delusion Gatsby had forced himself into.
“She didn’t like it” Nick was not expecting that. Gatsby had his back to him shoulders moving up and down as he seemed to fiddle with something. Party decorations most likely.
“Of course, she did”
“No, No, No, No. She didn’t like it. She- She did not have a good time” Gatsby had turned towards him; he was ringing his hands. A nervous habit for when he didn’t have his cane to fiddle with. “I feel so far away from her now. So hard to make her understand” He tossed the decorations he was holding, a graceful arch which glistened in the low light before landing in the bushed below. Like a shooting star crashing in the night sky.
“You mean about the party?” Nick wanted so desperately to understand, but he found the more emotional Gatsby became the less his fantasy began to make sense. He wanted to help the man he admired and adored but he had no true grasp of the problem.
“The party?” Gatsby sounded annoyed, not at Nick but he still felt himself deflate a little at the tone. “I couldn’t care less about the parties. That’ll be all for now Gentlemen. Thank you” That’s when Nick noticed it, the small waver in Gatsby’s voice, the slight tremble in his hand as he chucked the bottle. He was genuinely upset about something, clearly fighting down an internal panic. Nick had never seen him look more human; it was beautiful in a strange, twisted way. The vanishing of the playboy and the appearance of the man.
Gatsby was walking closer to him, and Nick felt himself pulled closer, taking those final steps down the stairs.
“You see…” He trailed off, checking to see whether the workers had truly left or not. Gatsby radiated with an anxious energy which pulled at his face making the few wrinkles he had more prominent. Nick frowned. “She has to tell tom that she never loved him.”
“What?” He found himself exclaiming. Nothing about the man wasn’t a little bit crazy, but this Idea put Gatsby directly into the line of a terrible downfall. He felt himself begin to panic a bit and a nervous smile fell upon his face.
“Yes. Then we can go back to Louisville. To her parents’ house.” He cut himself off with some soft chuckles, one of those smiles falling upon his face but it did nothing to sooth the worries building in Nick. Something was off with the man, that small tremor was just the small bit of weakness Gatsby would allow himself and Nick knew this. “Her parents are lovely people old sport. We’ll be married there” That stung more than Nick cared to admit “See- See, Daisy and I are gonna start over, just as if it were five years ago.”
“I wouldn’t ask to much of her” Nick knew his cousin, how she would go from shiny thing to shiny thing leaving ruin in her path, he wanted to pull Gatsby out of her orbit but felt as if his body denied him the ability to upset Jay.
“Wouldn’t ask too much?”
“No” His voice sounded small to his own ears.
Gatsby brought his hand up to his eyes and Nick found he could only watch with a furrowed brow as Jay forced away what must have been tears. He brought himself closer but with each step his heart beat louder and louder.
“I beg your Pardon, old sport. It’s just- “Gatsby squeezed his eyes shut and Nick felt his heart clench painfully “It’s so sad, because it’s so hard to make her understand. It’s so hard to make her understand. I’ve gotten all these things for her. I’ve gotten all these things for her and now she just—she wants to run away.” Gatsby had turned to look at him once again and those blue eyes were filled with an old pain, one Nick knew was almost five years in the making. Always brewing inside of Gatsby motivating him to move forward, to keep trying for Daisy. But now that Gatsby had properly experienced Daisy, he feared what that sadness would do.
“Jay, you can’t repeat the past” Nick hated the sorrow in his own voice, he didn’t want Jay to think he was pitying him. He wanted to provide comfort, but the man was so untouchable that these fractures in his mask terrified Nick.
“Can’t Repeat the past?”
“No”
“Why of course you can. Of course, you can” That one sentence caused a domino effect as Gatsby began to appear more desperate than ever to believe his own words. “See, I’m gonna fix things just the way they were before. Everything’s been so- so confused since then. I...” Nick watched as Gatsby silently composed himself, pretending to clean the mess that was his garden. “If I- If I could just get back to the start. If I could just get back to the start. I could find it again” Nick was now lost once again, having no idea what ‘it’ was. His fortune? His love for Daisy?
Nick listened as Gatsby recounted his encounters with Daisy, how he became determined to make something out himself for her. Nick wished he could lean forward and shake the man. Tell him that if Daisy truly loved him, she wouldn’t care about his money, how Daisy was a creature of greed not love. But he was entranced by the soft wonder in Jay’s voice.
“I knew it was a great mistake for a man like me to fall in love” Nick screamed internally, this was so far from the truth Gatsby just had to let go and see what Infront of him “I’m only 32. I might still be a great man” What was great to Gatsby, would he truly not be of any worth to himself until Daisy loved him back. Would Nick have to watch as the man he loved turned into nothing as he waited for something that would never be.
“But my life old sport, my life- “Gatsby paused hand raised in the air and I could do nothing but look. The man I admired so much was beginning to crumble, and I feared that if he carried down this path, he would break into a million different pieces shattered beyond repair due to the black hole that was Daisy Buchanan
“My life has got to be like this” He pointed up into the sky, stars bright and shining, the glowing blue of the lights reflected so perfectly into Gatsby’s. Nick found himself staring at the man, this
mysterious figure which everyone seemed so convinced was a killer and watched how slowly he began to fall into himself. Not leaving completely, no, Gatsby would never allow that. But his presence felt smaller more human than before.
“It’s got to keep going up” He punctuated this sentence by chucking a party decoration into the pool before continuing on with his speech “She has to go to Tom and tell him that she never loved him” Gatsby nodded to himself, his eyes were beginning to water the soft white turning a sharp red which contrasted sharply with the blue of his eyes. His voice was full of sorrow as if deep down Gatsby knew how Daisy truly felt about him. He was clinging desperately to the last few remnants of his five-year long dream.
Nick wanted to talk to Gatsby, tell him the truth but his throat felt tight, and he only managed to turn away from the man. Shame crawled up his back as he felt himself unable to look Gatsby in the eye. He could feel Gatsby looking at him, taking in his every reaction to make sure he performed in the correct way, but Gatsby did not seem to notice that the stage had been broken and the curtains drawn to early. Nick knew the truth, not all of it but enough to assume that Gatsby was not as ok as he seemed.
“I just need to give her more time old sport. More time.”
Nick cleared his throat and began to shuffle his body back and forth trying to build up the courage to talk. He always felt so small around Gatsby, but these cracks in the façade were making it easier for him to act, he just needed to find the words to say. He felt as Gatsby began to walk up to him, soft steady steps.
“Don’t worry old sport, don’t worry. I can protect her here”. Nick scoffed. How could Gatsby not see that if anyone needed protecting it was him. Daisy was dangerous, uncaring to those who she decided would be her next toy. He didn’t want Gatsby to be the next to fall but if he said something he feared he would ruin Gatsby. How could he handle that, knowing that he had destroyed such a precious thing?
“I’m not worried about Daisy, Gatsby”
Gatsby froze, looking up at Nick in shock. His eyes were still red, burning with sadness”
“What?” Nick hated how small the man sounded.
“I’m worried about you Jay. I…” What could he say to get the man to understand? Jay was staring at him, mouth furrowed, searching desperately for an answer”
“About me old sport? I’m afraid I don’t understand” Such a simple sentence and yet it felt like a knife to Nick’s heart. Had Jay really had no one to care about him all this time.
“You’re my friend-” Gatsby looked shocked at this, eyes widening slightly “and I’m worried. Jay, I know Daisy, known her most my life and I don’t trust her”
“Don’t trust her?”
“No”
“Well why not old sport. I- I mean you’ve seen her with me. She still clearly loves me.”
“See that’s the thing Jay. I don’t think she is I mean- “Nick paused when he saw Gatsby pale significantly.
“Jay?” Gatsby was staring forward, tears welling in his eyes, breath beginning to shallow.
“No, No you’re wrong old sport. You must be. I’ve seen her, I’ve been with her she loves me, I know it I- “
Gatsby was cut off by a sharp sob which surprised both of them. Tears had begun to stream down Gatsby’s face and heart wrenching sobs filled the air.
“I’m sorry old sport. I- “Another sob cut of Gatsby, he seemed frustrated with himself.
“Jay”
“I shouldn’t be- I mean- I- I- “
Nick turned to face Gatsby directly and pulled the man into a tight hug. With one movement the last strings of composure broke inside of Jay, and he began sobbing harshly into Nick’s neck. Nick held him close as he lowered both of them onto the floor making sure to keep his hold tight on Gatsby. He rocked Gatsby gently, rubbing calming patterns into the soft jacket of Gatsby’s back. He began to whisper to him. At first it was simply nonsense but soon Nick began to whisper small truths to Jay.
“I’m here, I’m always gonna be here. You can trust me Jay, you’ll be fine. I’m here and I’m not going to leave you”
They stayed like this under the stars for a while, the only sounds the harsh cries from Gatsby and the soothing whispers from Nick. His knees began to ache, but Nick refused to move, refused to break the trust Gatsby was placing in him by staying here whilst he cried. Eventually the sobs settled down to soft sniffles and half breaths. Jay slumped into Nick; his breakdown having drained all his energy. He rested his chin on top of Jay’s head, he had stopped with the reassurances now, but he still kept up his motions. Nick froze when he felt Gatsby mumble something against his neck, only now just realising how close the other man was. His face flushed.
“Hmm” He couldn’t talk, mind short circuiting at the feeling of the other man’s lips so close to his neck. Gatsby lifted his head slightly resting his forehead on his shoulder instead of his whole face.
“I said I’m sorry old sport” Jay’s voice was croaky and raw.
“You have no reason to apologise Jay”
“But- “
“No. I was a bit careless with my words. I should have been better with my wording after the night you had. I’m the one who should be sorry”
“Old sport” Jay groaned, he sounded small, unable to bring back the façade he always seemed at home in.
“Gatsby”
“I still want to apologise; I mean this is just pitiful- “
“No, No I’m gonna stop you right there Jay Gatsby. You have had a bad day, a stressful day and just got told something that is upsetting to you. There is nothing pitiful about allowing yourself a healthy outlet for your emotions”
Gatsby pushed himself back to look Nick in the eyes. His eyes were filled with worry, the soft blue searching his face for an answer that Nick didn’t know how to give.
“Why?” Gatsby asked quietly
“Why what?”
“Why are you doing this old sport, why are you holding me and- and saying all these things I- I- I don’t understand” Gatsby was searching more desperately know, brow furrowed in desperation.
“Because you’re important to me Jay”
“But there must be more, I mean there must. Do you need something?”
Nick’s heart clenched tighter, this man was so lost, so small that it was difficult to believe that he was holding Gatsby right now. Nick was barely thinking when he brought his hand up to cup Gatsby’s face gently, tracing his thumb across his jawline. Gatsby’s breath stuttered slightly, before he pushed himself against Nick’s hand causing him to smile.
“The only thing I need right now Jay is to make sure that you’re doing good”
Gatsby stared at him, but just a moment his gaze slipped down to his lips and Nick felt his heart stutter. Slowly and hesitantly, Jay leaned forward moving closer to Nick, his forehead almost touched Nick’s when he began to talk again.
“Is that all?”
“I- I uh- I mean”
Gatsby chuckled slightly, joy finally appearing on his face once again before he leaned forward lightly pressing his lips to Nicks. Testing how far he could go. Nick pushed back, wanting to emphasise as much as possible how ok this was to Gatsby. He found himself smiling against the other man’s mouth as they began to kiss gently. Soft and caring kisses which promised a future for both of them. When Jay finally pulled back, he rested his head back into the crook of Nick’s neck. Nick wanted to say something but found himself stopping when Jay let out a soft yawn, tucking himself in closer.
Nick held Jay closer to him. They would need to talk about this later, whether this truly meant anything and what it meant for their future. But for now they would stay under the endless sky as Nick allowed himself to bathe in the serenity of this moment.
Holding it close, determined to never let go.