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Wylan was panicking.
This wasn’t nothing new, Wylan was known to get into his own head and think of every worst situation he could. It happened often, and Wylan knew most of the time he was being ridiculous, and he could eventually calm himself down and get out of his own head.
He couldn’t this time though. No matter what he tried, he couldn’t stop his short breaths, and he couldn’t stop shaking. Normally when he was like this, he’d play his flute, but that didn’t work, he’d paint with his mother, that didn’t work, he’d do some maths, he didn’t even want to look at a pencil right now. The one main thing he’d do though, was find Jesper, and just be near him.
But, how is he meant to do that when the reason he is panicking is because of Jesper?
Jesper had left in the early morning, saying something quick about needing to help Kaz, before closing the door behind him, barely sparing a glance at Wylan. That had been hours ago, it was late in the night now, two bells in the morning to be exact, and Jesper still hadn’t shown face.
And Wylan was worried, how could he not be? Jesper was out in the East Stave, one of the most dangerous places in Ketterdam, where he could be hit, stabbed, beaten, shot, unconscious in an alleyway, dead. Wylan couldn’t help but be anxious for Jesper. He had never given a time he’d be back, not even a rough estimate, but he should be back by now, he should be home, he should be with Wylan.
It was too late, far too late, and Wylan predicted it would only get later into the night if he didn’t do something about it.
Creeping out of his room, making sure not to wake his mother who was just a few doors down, he went to the front door, slipped on his shoes and big jacket, the one that devoured him, made him hidden (a merchant didn’t want to be seen in the East Stave, it would cause too much trouble that Wylan didn’t want to deal with), and quietly slipped out of the door, locking it behind him.
The city still seemed foreign to him. He had lived here his whole life, never leaving Ketterdam to live anywhere else, just to visit other cities or countries, but his father had hardly ever let him leave the house, scared of the public seeing him and realising his ‘problems’. So, Wylan was mainly stuck in the house, only getting to see the small part of the city from his window.
He knew the city a bit better now. Being with the Crows made him run around enough to get a rough grasp on the streets and paths, and Wylan made it a habit to just walk about Ketterdam, sometimes with his mother or Jesper, sometimes alone (always with a bodyguard watching him, of course, you can never be too careful), and that got him more comfortable with his city. But it still felt strange, and he often saw alleyways and corners he had never seen before, but that also meant he got lost quite a bit.
Wylan did know the way to the Crows Club, thankfully, so he made it there with ease. The place was still jumping, people talking, laughing, shouting, fighting, all the usual for a gambling club. Wylan felt that dread low in his stomach that he’d walk in there, and see Jesper sitting at a table, betting both his and Wylan’s money away, and probably losing all of it. Wylan took a deep breath, and stepped into the club, doing a quick scan of the room. Jesper often stuck out in a crowd, though Wylan couldn’t see him, but he didn’t want to leave just yet. He made his way over to the bar, seeing the familiar face of Walkaa, the bartender to the Crows Club for years.
“A drink, Wylan?” She asked, smiling at him.
Wylan shook his head. “No thanks, Walkaa. Have you seen Jesper tonight?”
She was silent, trying to wrack her brain for information. “He came in early in the morning, talked to Kaz for a bit, then left. Didn’t play a game or order a drink.”
That was good, at least. “Any chance you know where he went?”
She shook her head. “No, sorry.” She then paused, her thinking face on again. “Well, I have heard talk of strange business at the Faldrin Club, close to the harbour, near the Sweet Little Bakery. Maybe he’s checking that out for Kaz, but that’s the best I’ve got. Apologies, doll.”
“No worries, Walkaa, it’s better than nothing.” Wylan said, smiling at her, handing her twenty kurge, and leaving the Crows Club. He had heard faint talk of the Faldrin Club, but he wouldn’t be able to tell someone where it was. He knew where the Sweet Little Bakery was though, so he made his way there, hoping he could find the Faldrin Club from there fairly easy enough.
The walk to the Sweet Little Bakery was simple, and from the dainty shop, he could see the sign for the Faldrin Club. He could see it was also very busy there, so it took him a minute to actually get inside, but he didn’t have to go far before he spotted Jesper.
Jesper, the person he loved, the person he promised to spend his whole life with, the person what was always occupying his thoughts and lived in his brain, the person Wylan would gladly devote his life to making happy, had his arms wrapped around someone else.
They weren’t kissing, but they were close, the sides of their bodies pressed as tight as they could to one another, Jesper’s arm around her waist, and when she would whisper in his ear, he would either grin and whisper back, and Wylan could tell he had his flirting face on, or he would throw back his head and laugh, as if she had said the funniest thing known to mankind.
Wylan felt so stupid, so incredibly stupid. It had been a long time since he had felt this naïve and dumb, but it came at full force, smacking him in the face. He thought Jesper had actually been in danger, not flirting with some random person in a club, someone that wasn’t Wylan.
He wasn’t sure whether he was going to blow up or cry, but he didn’t want to confront Jesper and the latter happen, so he turned around and left. He stormed all of the way home.
Jesper came home at five bells in the morning, creeping into the house, assuming that both Wylan and his mother were asleep, but the former was wide awake, sitting in the music room, one of the only rooms in that Saint forsaken house that brought Wylan comfort. Wylan heard his footsteps through the house, and Jesper probably noticed the glow from the lamp in the music room coming through under the door, as he opened the door and stepped inside.
Jesper walked up to him, wrapping his arms around Wylan from behind and kissed his neck. Wylan went stiff, and Jesper either didn’t notice or ignored it. “It’s early, why are you awake?”
“I could ask you the same thing.” Wylan muttered, and Jesper laughed, kissing him on the cheek. Wylan would normally melt at that gesture, but not right now. He couldn’t.
“I was on a job for Kaz, you know how long some of his jobs can take.” Jesper replied. “Couldn’t wait to get home.”
It didn’t seem like it, Wylan thought.
Jesper continued to kiss him on the neck, moving Wylan’s shirt to gain more access. “Although I am exhausted, you are looking quite ravishing this morning, and I think I could be awake for a bit longer.”
Jesper waited for Wylan’s reaction, but nothing came. “What? No smacking me on the arm? No blushing? I just made a sexual suggestion and you didn’t react at all.”
Wylan knew he had made a sexual suggestion, he had been with Jesper long enough to know most of the stuff that came out of his mouth was a sexual inuendo.
He thought about it, kissing Jesper.
A hand on her waist.
Falling into bed with him.
Whispering into her ear.
Taking off his clothes frantically.
Flirting back with her.
Making him come undone with his touch.
Throwing his head back and laughing.
Wylan pushed him away, standing up himself and putting space between him and Jesper. Jesper frowned, looking hurt, finally realising what was going on is serious. “Wy, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing, let’s just go to bed.”
“No. You’re angry with me, tell me what’s wrong.”
Wylan huffed and rolled his eyes. “You seriously can’t even guess?”
“Obviously not if I’m asking you what’s wrong.”
“Maybe it’s to do with the fact that I saw you being unfaithful!” Wylan shouting, finally losing his patience. “I saw you, Jesper!”
Jesper frown deepened, even more confused. “What?”
“You’ve been away since early morning of yesterday, without a word of where you were going or when you’d be back. You’ve been gone the whole day, almost over twenty-four hours, and I was getting worried, all I could think about was you being hurt, lying dead somewhere. So, I was stupid enough to go out and look for you, thinking I was being a good partner, only to find you with your arms around some woman in a club, flirting with her and laughing, looking at her like she was the sun and the moon.”
Jesper blinked, trying to process the information and wrap his brain around it. This was the last thing he expected, and he felt sick. He had heard Wylan hurt and angry plenty of times, but never directed to him, and Jesper didn’t know if he wanted to curl up in a ball and cry, or shoot something. “I was on a job.”
“Oh, were you? Don’t even get me started on your fucking jobs.” Wylan said, his rage growing bigger and bigger. “You’re always on a job, out at the Barrel, doing whatever Kaz will give you. You leave early in the morning and come home at the dead of night. You’re barely fucking home anymore. I shouldn’t be missing you because you’re always out when we’re in the same fucking city! When we live in the same house and share the same bed!”
“What are you talking about?” Jesper said. “You knew this is what it would be like when you agreed to be with me. You know I can’t just leave the Dregs. I belong to them as much as I belong to you, it’s just the way it works.”
“I never said you can’t work with the Dregs. I knew you’d keep doing jobs for Kaz, and I’m fine with that, but it’s not fine when you’re never home anymore, and I hardly ever see you. I’m not clingy, Jesper, but I’d at least like to see you, spend some time with you.” Wylan had to try his hardest not to cry. “When was the last time we just sat down and spent time together? I’ve resorted to staying up all night because that’s the only time we’re together.”
“Wylan, I don’t get to decide when work is. Kaz just tells me when I’m needed, and we’ve been hit with a busy stream recently. You cannot blame me for that.”
“None of this explains why you were with a woman in the Faldrin Club.” Wylan crossed his arms against his chest, praying that it would keep his breaking heart in one piece for a little longer. Just until he was alone.
“I was on a fucking job, Wylan, I had to flirt with her to get information for the job.” Jesper was growing agitated, sadness leaving and anger knocking on the door.
“You could have at least told me before you left.”
“I didn’t fucking know what the job even was, never mind what I’d be doing. You know Kaz still doesn’t trust me and won’t tell me shit about a job beforehand.” Jesper said. “I wasn’t going behind your back.”
Wylan looked down at the ground, his voice going quiet, shaking slightly. “If you don’t like me anymore, you don’t have to get with other people. Just tell me.”
“Oh my Saints, Wylan, it’s not like that! She’s just some random women I needed to be close with in order to obtain information.”
“Then why are we never together anymore? Why do you hardly kiss me? Why do you never hug me? Why are we never intimate anymore? Why do we hardly talk at all anymore?” Wylan was shouting again. “If you want to leave, then just fucking leave!”
“Fine.” Jesper picked up his coat, tugged it on, and then turned around and walked away.
Wylan stood still for a moment, frozen, in complete shock. Jesper was walking away. Jesper was leaving. His body eventually caught up with his brain, and he was running through the house, trying to keep up with Jesper.
“Wait, Jesper, wait.” Wylan said, trying to reach out for his wrist, his hand, his arm, anything, but Jesper stepped to the side, making Wylan miss him. “Jesper, please.”
Jesper paused at the sound of Wylan’s voice breaking, and they both knew that Wylan was close to tears, but Jesper wrenched the door open, and stepped outside, slamming it behind him.
Wylan stood there, staring at the closed door, feeling his world crumble around him. He could feel his heart drain of all colour and shatter into a million pieces, falling all the way down to his feet.
Jesper had left. He had actually left.
He had walked out, leaving Wylan alone.
Wylan’s legs suddenly gave out, and he fell to the ground, letting his back rest against the wall.
The tears came quickly, and Wylan didn’t try to stop them this time. He felt like he couldn’t breathe, his lungs were too small and his tears were too quick. Jesper had left, he had walked out and left Wylan all alone. Where was he even going to go? The Crows Club? The Slat? The arms of that woman?
His father was right. No one would ever choose him. No one would ever love him. No one would ever want to stay with him, not after seeing what he was truly like.
Jesper had left. Jesper had left. Jesper had left.
“Wylan?”
He looked up, seeing his mother, in her nightgown, eyes still full of sleep. Wylan quickly wiped his face, trying to hide his tears. “Did I wake you? Sorry, mother, go back to bed.”
“You’re upset. I’m not going back to bed when you’re sad.” Marya said. “Come to the living room, away from the front door.”
Wylan sniffled, but stood up and followed his mother to the living room, sitting next to each other on the couch. Marya covered her son’s hand with her own, speaking in a soft, reassuring voice. “What happened Wylan? I heard shouting, and then the door slammed shut.”
“Jesper…” Wylan would not cry again, he would not. “We argued, he left.”
Marya was silent, and Wylan could see her body grow tense. “Did he… Did he…”
Wylan frowned, but then understood what his mother was talking about, why she was so scared. “No! He would never, mother. He’s nothing like father.”
Marya nodded, smiling softly at him, and Wylan knew his mother believed him. “What did you two argue about?”
“He just… He’s always away at the Barrel helping Kaz. It was late and he hadn’t come home, so I went out to look for him, scared he was hurt, and saw him with a woman, romantically. They didn’t kiss or anything of the sort, but they were flirting, and I was so hurt and so angry.” Wylan wiped a tear away, angry he had begun to cry again. “He said it was for a job, which does make sense, but it still doesn’t help that’s he’s never home anymore. I don’t mind him working at the Crow Club, I knew he wouldn’t give it up, and it makes him happy. But… mother, I never see him anymore. He leaves early in the morning and comes home late in the night. We never talk anymore, and the only time we have together is when were in bed, asleep. I… I miss him, mother.”
“Oh, my precious Wylan.” Marya said, pulling her crying boy into her arms, and as soon as Marya hugged him and ran her hands through his hair, just how Jesper does it to calm him down, he began to sob again. He may be on his way to turning twenty, but he would never be too old to need his mother, to cry into her arms, to feel like a small child again, desperately needing his mother’s reassurance and affection. And right now, he needed that more than anything.
“Master Van Eck?”
“Come in.”
The servant opened the door, smiling at him. “Sorry for disturbing you.”
“No need” Wylan replied, he would gladly be interrupted from trying to understand business reports he couldn’t even read. “What is it?”
“Mr Fahey is at the door, asking for you.”
Wylan couldn’t breathe, his mind went completely numb.
It had been two days, forty-eight whole hours since he had last seen Jesper, since Jesper had walked out on him.
“Would you like me to-”
Wylan shot out of his desk chair, and sprinted to the front door, almost tripping down the huge flight of stairs. He’d apologise for being so rude to the servant later. His shoulder banged into a wall as he turned a corner too tightly, but he didn’t care, because he was at the front door, and in front of him, standing there, was Jesper.
Wylan’s heart stopped, and they stared into each other’s eyes. Wylan then noticed it was pouring outside, and Jesper was drenched, still standing in the rain as it battered onto his head and shoulders, probably soaking right through his clothes to his skin. Wylan’s body came back to life, and he felt every single emotion at once; happiness, anger, relief, sadness, love.
Jesper looked miserable, he looked like he had hardly slept, and whatever he had slept on seemed to do a number on his back. His hands were fidgeting, as if he had too much built up energy, which was the case most of the time. He was still wearing the same clothes he had walked out in. Wylan would never forgive himself if Jesper had slept on the streets of Ketterdam for the past two days.
“Can I come in? Don’t really want to be standing in the rain any longer.” His voice was small, and Wylan knew he was going to cry soon.
“Of course.” Wylan stepped to the side, allowing Jesper to step into the house. He watched as Jesper shook himself, trying to get rid of as much water as he could, and then stepped into the house, peeling off his jacket and hanging it up to dry. Wylan knew he’d be freezing in those wet clothes, and it would only get worse. “Do you want to change into something more comfortable?”
Jesper looked down at his clothes, seeming to just notice just how wet and cold and uncomfortable they were. “Um, I do want to change, but I want to sort this out more.”
Wylan didn’t like the thought of Jesper being uncomfortable, but he didn’t want to prolong their desperately needed conversation any longer. “Okay, let’s go to my office. Mother’s outside painting, so she won’t hear.”
Jesper had a pained look on his face at that sentence, but nodded, following Wylan up the stairs and into the office. They sat at the couch against one of the walls, not touching.
“I’m so sorry, Wylan.” Jesper began after a beat of silence between the pair, leaning back and looking up at the ceiling. “I fucked up, and left you. I’m so fucking sorry.”
Wylan wrapped his arms around himself. “I’m sorry too. I think… I think we both messed up. We were both just angry and weren’t thinking.”
“I went too far though. I just got up and left you, and didn’t come back for two days.” Jesper put his head in his hands, his fingers going into his short hair and pulling on it lightly. “I’m a fucking mess.”
“You’re not.” Wylan said softly. Even if he was still a little bit angry, he never wanted to hear Jesper talk badly about himself. “And I did provoke you to leave.”
Jesper shook his head. “I shouldn’t have actually left though. Such a stupid, childish, idiotic-”
“Jesper.” Wylan put a hand on Jesper’s shoulder, and he could feel Jesper relax under his touch. Wylan didn’t know whether to laugh or sob at that. “Stop belittling yourself, we both made mistakes, but we can’t focus on that. We just need to talk about what went wrong and figure out how to fix this, what our next steps are.”
“Yeah, yeah, good idea.” Jesper rubs a hand over his face, then smiled. “This is why you’re the smart one.”
“You’re smart too.” Wylan whispered, but Jesper didn’t reply, just continued to look into the distance. “Why did you feel the need to walk out?”
“I don’t know. I was angry, and hurt, and scared, and I didn’t know how to get my point across and for you to understand and believe me. So, I done what I always do, I ran away.” Jesper sighed. “I panicked.”
Wylan nodded, running a hand through his hair to get the curls out of his eyes. His and Jesper’s eyes connected, and Wylan’s heart broke at just how miserable and terrified Jesper looked in that moment. “Jesper?”
“Please don’t leave me. Please don’t ask me to leave.” Jesper said, and Wylan could see a small line of tears threatening to fall. “I’d understand if you wanted for me to leave, but I can’t. I know saying this is selfish, but I couldn’t handle it if we weren’t together anymore.”
“Oh, Jes.” Wylan said in a soft voice, and he wrapped his arms around Jesper. Jesper leaned into him, cuddling his face into Wylan’s chest, taking shaky breaths. “No, no, no, Jesper. I don’t want us to be over.”
Wylan heard Jesper let out a sob, and he hugged him tighter, letting Jesper know physically that he wasn’t leaving, they weren’t finished.
“I was so scared you were going to break us up, that I thought it would just be better to run, then I wouldn’t need to hear you say those words.”
“I would never.” Wylan said. “Never.”
“I wouldn’t blame you.” Jesper whispered. “I was with another woman, even if it was just for a job.”
Wylan felt that familiar prick of jealousy low in his body, but he squashed it down, now is not the time. “Did you really not know you’d have to flirt with her for the job?”
“No! I would have told you, I promise. I hardly know anything about a job before I do it.” Jesper said earnestly. He pulled back to look at Wylan in the eyes. “From now on, I’m going to demand Kaz to tell me what I’ll be doing for the job beforehand, and how long I’ll be out for. And no more crazy hours and being out constantly, I miss being with you too.”
“Thank you.” Wylan said, smiling at him. “I don’t mind you working for Kaz, you’re happy when doing it, and that makes me happy. But I don’t like hardly ever seeing you, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe when I saw you with that woman.
“I’ve… I’ve always thought you were too good for me. I must have done something amazing in a past life to be given you, and I’ll never measure up to you. Everyday I’m just thankful that you still want to be with me. But, when I saw you flirting with her, I thought you had finally realised that you deserved better, and this was going to be the time you weren’t going to come back.”
Jesper was silent for a moment, looking off into the distance, and when he did speak, he had Wylan’s full attention.
“When I need to flirt with someone for the job, do you know what I do?” Jesper asked, continuing when Wylan said nothing. “I used to just try my best to flirt with them, imagine being with them. It used to work, but not now, not after you. Kaz tore me apart once because I fucked up a job when the person I was meant to be flirting with wasn’t convinced I actually liked them, and realised I was on a job.
“So, I imagine they’re you. I ignore their face completely and imagine I’m in our bedroom, looking at your golden red curls, your bright blue eyes, your glowing pale skin, your cute freckles, your delicate hands, your intoxicating voice. I imagine I’m flirting with you instead of whoever is actually in front of me, and it’s always works. I can’t fathom the thought of being with anyone else but you, and having to pretend to be interested in someone else make me sick. I did try to refuse to flirt with someone once, trying to suggest other ways to get the information, but Kaz spent the next ten minutes complaining about how soft I was becoming and how love had ‘changed me’, so I just agreed to shut him up.”
Wylan laughed, but he could feel the tears prick in his eyes. Jesper looked over at Wylan when he didn’t say anything, and frowned when he saw Wylan was on the verge of tears.
He wrapped his arms around the smaller boy, pulling him into his chest and running his fingers through Wylan’s curls, and Wylan had never felt more complete. He melted into Jesper, so over the moon that he was back with Jesper, that they were going to be okay.
He wasn’t mad anymore, he couldn’t be when Jesper lifted his head up by his chin, and pulled him into the softest, most loving kiss he had ever experienced.
Anger is temporary, Jesper is forever.