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On the bad days, Jesper reads to him.
They sit on the couch, cuddle close, Jesper’s arm wrapped around Wylan’s shoulders, they pick a book, sometimes action, sometimes romance, sometimes traditional books from Novyi Zem (Wylan loves to learn about Jesper’s culture, and he loves how excited Jesper gets to teach him about it), and Jesper reads to him.
Wylan loves Jesper’s voice. He loves the smooth baritone to it. He loves how he punctuates words. He loves how some words are elongated and some words are short and snap. He loves how Jesper has a tendency to tap his hand on his thigh to the beat of the words, turning it into music for Wylan to help remember. The first time he had done that, Wylan had thrown the book away, crawled onto Jesper’s lap, and kissed him until they both couldn’t breathe.
Wylan was terrified for everyone to know he couldn’t read. His father had told him that no one would ever love him, that no one would ever put up with his ‘problem’, and for a long time, Wylan believed him.
Telling Kaz was awful. It was the first person he himself had ever confessed to not being able to read, rather than his father telling people and paying for their silence. Wylan would have rather died than tell him, but he didn’t want to ruin Kaz’s plans, he didn’t want Kaz to use him as a hostage, only to find out that Jan Van Eck wanted his own son dead.
Kaz just looked at him, nodded, and told him to go back to work. Wylan was worried that Kaz would let him go, that he wouldn’t be useful anymore, that Kaz would let him go and he’d be out of the heist. The relief he felt when Kaz told him to get back to work was immense, and he had to hide back his grin.
Even though Kaz’s reaction was positive, he was still terrified for everyone else to find out.
When Jesper found out (in the most dramatic way might he add, when his father tried to kill him again, of course it had to be dramatic with Jesper), he had never felt more love for another human being. Seeing Jesper go insane when he thought Wylan had been blown up on the ship and when his father talked horribly about him, well, Wylan didn’t think he had ever seen someone care for him more than Jesper did then, threatening to kill anyone in his sight.
Jesper, of course, was completely fine with Wylan not being able to read. They had a quiet moment together, after the encounter with Wylan’s father and Inej’s kidnapping.
“Wylan.” Jesper said, stepping into the room Wylan was in. the room was bare, a small mattress on the floor, with a too thin pillow and a small blanket. A corner of the room was full of Wylan’s chemistry equipment, his flute case was sitting on his bed, and there was a small chest of drawers full of Wylan’s clothes, not that he had many anyway. “You okay?”
“Yeah, I’m good.” Wylan was scribbling into a notebook, already having numerous requests from Kaz.
“You know you can take a small break.” Jesper moved to sit on the mattress next to Wylan, the bed too low for his long legs. “I know Inej is gone and we’re all scared, but you need to have a breather and process.”
“Process what?”
“The fact that you just saw your father again, that you saw him attempt to kill you on the boat, that he said all of those horrible things about you.”
“I’m fine.” Wylan said, gripping his pencil harder, and looking at it in surprise when the pencil tip snapped. “Shit.”
“Wylan.” Jesper took both the pencil and notebook from him, placing them far enough away that Wylan couldn’t reach. “Take a minute.”
“I can’t, not when Inej is in danger to him.” Wylan shook his head, putting his head in his hands and tugging at his curls. “It’s all my fault.”
“How is any of this your fault?”
“If I was just a better son, then none of this would have happened.”
“Wylan-”
“No, it’s true. If I was just able to read like a normal person, then Inej wouldn’t be in danger.” Wylan said, squeezing his eyes shut.
“Fine.” Wylan’s head shot up, shock clear on his face. “If you were able to read, then your father wouldn’t have kicked you out, and instead you would become the air to his fortune. Then, when he came to Kaz to break into the Ice Court, you wouldn’t have been our demo man, which meant we wouldn’t have your expertise, and would have most likely died early on.
“So yeah, Inej wouldn’t have been kidnapped, but that’s because she would have been dead.” Jesper said to him, then he looked a little sheepish as he rubbed the back of his neck and spoke. “Plus, we would never have met, and how terrible is that?”
“Oh, just awful.” Wylan was smiling at him, gratitude in his eyes. “But… you really don’t care that I can’t read or write?”
“Do you care that I can’t do chemistry? Or that I don’t have a musical bone in my body?” Jesper asked, and Wylan shook his head, a confused look on his face. “Then there’s your answer. No one can do everything, Wylan. It doesn’t matter that you can’t read or write, because you have so many other amazing talents. And even if you didn’t have other talents, not being able to read or write isn’t something to be ashamed of.”
Wylan looked at him, just looked, and he knew he would never stop loving this boy, even if Jesper might never feel the same way.
Wylan was grateful for Jesper every day, he couldn’t ask for someone better to spend the rest of his life with. Jesper made Wylan happy, and Wylan would forever be in his debt.
“Merchling.” Jesper practically jumped into the office in their home, and Wylan’s mood skyrocketed. “Are you done with work?”
Wylan looked down at the numbers he was calculating. He wasn’t done, far from it, actually, but if Jesper wanted to be with him, he wouldn’t deny that. “Yeah, I’m done for today.”
“Perfect, come spend time with the best person in Ketterdam.”
“I didn’t know Nina was back in town.”
Jesper glared and him, and Wylan just laughed. He stood up and walked over to Jesper, wrapping his arms loosely around the taller boy, leaving their lips close, but not touching. “You know I’m just joking.”
“Hmm, do I?” Jesper whispered, raising one eyebrow. Wylan rolled his eyes, but connected their lips, sighing happily into the kiss. Jesper squeezed his hip, running his other hand through Wylan’s curls, and Wylan couldn’t help but smile.
“Will you read to me tonight?” Wylan asked, pulling back slightly. It used to be a request that Wylan was ashamed to ask, hating how he had to have someone do such a simple task for him. But now, having Jesper read to him was one of his favourite things. He loved that reading, something that used to make him sob and have a panic attack, was now the thing that made his heart sour.
“Of course, what would you like to read?” Jesper asked, separating Wylan’s curls with his fingers.
“I was thinking that we could read another Novyi Zem book.” Wylan said, smiling softly. “Not the informative one’s about the culture or politics or farming. But… I know your father sent you some books your mother used to read to you when you were younger.”
Jesper pulled back, looking into the distance. “My ma’s books?”
“Yeah. I was just thinking that would probably be the closest way I could get to meeting your mother.” Wylan said softly, running his hands up and down Jesper’s arms. “You’ve met my mother, I’ve let you fully into my life, and I want to be fully in yours. Only if you want that, of course.”
Jesper was still silent, still looking of into the distance, his hands not moving. “My ma’s books.”
“… Do you not want to? It’s fine if you don’t, we can just read one of the other books we have.” Wylan was rambling, he didn’t want to upset Jesper and make him uncomfortable. “I’m sorry, Jes, I shouldn’t have suggested it.”
“No, no, it’s fine.” Jesper said, voice still distant. “I just don’t think about my mother often, that’s all. Always catches me by surprise when someone mentions her.”
“You don’t think about her?” Wylan took one of Jesper’s hands in his own, squeezing it gently.
“No, not really.” Jesper said. “I know it’s wrong not to, and it’s not that I don’t love her, because I do, but I just don’t like dwelling on the past. I always get upset when I think about her, that I just tend to not think about her to avoid it.”
Wylan cupped Jesper’s cheek, stroking his thumb across his cheekbone, loving the feeling of Jesper’s warm skin.
“I want you to know about her, though.” Jesper confessed, finally looking down at Wylan. “I would have loved you to meet her, but obviously that can’t happen, so I want you to at least know about her… I want you to know everything about me, including my life in Novyi Zem.”
Wylan smiled at him, he had never felt his heart so full. “I would love to know about her.”
Jesper smiled at him, leaning down to kiss him on the lips sweetly. “I love you, Wylan.”
“I love you too.”
“Go to the bedroom, I’ll go find one of my mother's books.” Jesper pecked him once more on the lips, before leaving the room to search for the books. Wylan walked to their bedroom, stepping inside, and changing into more comfortable clothes, before sitting on the bed, back against the headboard.
They had taken Wylan’s old bedroom from when he lived there with his father. He had too many bad memories of his room, crying after a bad tutoring session, hiding under the bed or in the closet from his father, being locked in his room with a stack of book and no food or water.
Since Jesper and Wylan had moved in together, this room had been transformed. They had done a full redecoration of the bedroom (and the whole house), removing any bad memories from his childhood, Wylan and Jan, and creating brand new memories, Wylan and Jesper. This bedroom, one that used to terrify Wylan, was now a sanctuary for him, a place Wylan loved to be, loving to be so close to Jesper.
Wylan could hear the padding of footsteps, and soon Jesper entered the room, book in hand. He moved to the bed to sit next to Wylan, showing him the cover of the book. It had the most beautiful designs, with the richest colours. “It’s called ‘Benedi cann Dowi’ which translates to ‘Heart of the Sea’. It’s a story about this woman who falls in love with a sea creature, but the town disapproves of it, so they banish her to the middle of the country where the sea can’t reach her. It’s a lot better than I’ve made it out to be, I promise.”
“Okay.” Wylan replied, resting his head on Jesper’s shoulder to get comfier.
“This is going to take me longer to read, because it’s written in Zemeni, unlike our other Novyi Zem books, which are written in Kerch. So, I’m going to have to read it and then translate it into Kerch before speaking. So bear with me.”
“You’re just so smart, aren’t you?” Wylan said, grinning up at him.
“Yup.” Jesper replied easily. “There’ll probably be some words I can’t directly translate, and some references you might not understand. So, just interrupt if you need anything clarified.”
“Okay, got it.” Wylan said with a nod. “Can you start now?”
“Bossy.” Jesper muttered, but smiled and opened the book. “Chapter 1.”
On the bad days, Jesper reads to him.
But it’s not just the bad days now, it’s almost every day that they’ll settle down with a book and begin to read. When Wylan wants to spend time with Jesper, when he wants them to be close, he asks the latter to read to him, and he always agrees.
Wylan would trade the world, just to be with Jesper. He would endure years of his father’s abuse, just to be with Jesper. He would die, just to be with Jesper.
Wylan thought he’d never be capable of being loved. He thought he’d grow up alone, and die alone, never finding that other person that made him feel truly whole, that picked him up when he was having a bad day, that was there to make him laugh, that danced with him, that was just there for him.
Jesper done all of that, and more, and Wylan would never understand what he done to deserve the absolute ball of perfection next to him, but he knew he would never let him go.