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"This is childish, immature, wasteful of company resources, not to mention an invasion of privacy -" Nobody paid Kunikida any mind.
"Come on, Kunikida-kun; you want to know too."
For the last three months, since Dazai joined the ADA, he'd been purposefully ambiguous with pretty much every aspect of his personality. To the point that Yosano hadn’t known he was nineteen years old until he had to present his ID when they went out drinking together, which would have also been when she learned his first name had that not been on the namecard on his desk. They didn’t know where he lived, what his previous profession was, if he had any family -
“It’s rude to ask,” Kunikida maintained.
Yosano swatted his elbow - he was too loud and Dazai sat only halfway across the room. Though he had headphones on and they always seemed to block all the other stuff Kunikida came out with. Usually mission briefings and the rules around the office that Dazai broke.
“You’re annoyed too.” Tanizaki pointed out. “He’s been accusing you of homophobia for three weeks now.”
And wasn’t that the issue. Yosano could respect some healthy boundaries; she understood wanting to separate your professional and personal life, but Dazai had been using their lack of knowledge to manipulate them.
Two months ago, it had been father’s day and Tanizaki just mentioned shopping for a card - Dazai started weeping at his desk about not having a father, taking three days off to grieve from the trauma. Four days later he showed up late to his shift and blamed his tardiness on needing to pick up that same non-existent father from the airport. He was good enough at lying for that contradiction to be a purposeful, taunting decision rather than a slip-up.
He also fell to his knees, hand over heart, when Ranpo took his dessert from the office fridge, claiming to have low blood sugar. He took another three days off for that. Then Yosano watched him scrape every dessert in the fridge into the bin, presumably as revenge. That day he didn’t seem to have low blood sugar.
So they'd decided to even the playing field and have some fun with it. If Dazai refused to share any information about himself, then they'd do some goddamn detective work.
"Figuring out his sexuality makes sense," Yosano said, ducking lower behind her newspaper. "Once we know then we can get the correct gender to flirt with him."
"What if he's bisexual? What if he's in a relationship?" Ranpo wasn't a part of this competition to see who could figure out Dazai first, because he would win. But he sure enjoyed raining on their parade.
Tanizaki leaned into Yosano's space, also behind the newspaper. "Does Dazai-san seem like the monogamous type?"
"I have no idea - we don't know anything about him."
Tanizaki had a point though. Clearly, she and Kunikida were wrong to write him off as an opponent just because he wasn't a technical detective of the agency. He was closer with Dazai, since they joined the ADA at similar times.
"You're being more suspicious by hiding behind the newspaper; Dazai-san is literally waving at you." Ranpo was right, but there wasn't much more to do than cower further down.
Dazai lifted one headphone off his ear and smiled at them. He probably already knew their game - had he bugged the office? No matter, Yosano just needed to figure him out before Kunikida and Tanizaki to win the pool - Dazai playing too gave her a better shot, if anything. He’d want Kunikida to lose more than to win himself.
~~~
It was pure chance.
Yosano had stopped overnight at an apartment building downtown, for a one-night-stand. She didn’t bring dates back to her place because they could be mafia spies and handling them without them ever finding out where she lived was easier than hunting down a whole network, who might send Jehovah’s Witnesses or vacuum salesmen to her door as an annoyance. It also meant Yosano wasn’t stuck cleaning the blood out of her mattress if they got a little… Rough.
It was just past 9am and she had overslept. Getting to the office late wasn’t a big deal, so long as she didn’t end up being the last one there. Dazai hardly showed up on time either, but even he could beat Ranpo since he got lost on the subway half the time.
She sprinted down the stairs into the lobby of the building, having seen the lift was held up on a higher floor, and was about to leave through the revolving door when that same lift dinged behind her and Dazai stepped out. With company.
Someone, probably about 160cm tall, with red hair trailing to their shoulders as it was collected in a low side-ponytail. Yosano was a detective, so she noticed the bruise on the person’s neck and Dazai’s coat over their shoulders. She especially noticed the way the couple’s hands were clasped, just out of sight with how the overcoat’s sleeve came past the redhead’s fingertips.
What Yosano was not able to ascertain, however, was the gender of this mysterious love interest wearing Dazai’s clothes in the lift of an out-of-the-way apartment block.
“Dazai-san!” She called out instead of leaving them to their business. The redhead froze as she strolled over but Dazai just raised his hand in casual greeting. “I didn’t know you lived around here.”
“Ah, Yosano-san, I wish I could say the same - to live in such sweet fantasy! I wanted a much taller building to jump off from, but this little hatrack thought that would be ‘too risky’ and ‘an absolute waste of a two-person lease’.”
Yosano nodded along, squinting at the ‘hatrack’. They were not even wearing a hat right now? “Ah, so this must be your…”
She waited carefully for Dazai to fill in the gendered noun, or for his (apparently live-in?) partner to introduce themself. “This is Chibi, we’re dating.” Is what Dazai said instead of anything useful.
Chibi would have to be a very short man, or significantly younger than nineteen to be average height. But their chest didn’t seem big, though it was hard to tell underneath Dazai’s over-sized coat. The hair was long, usually a feminine attribute, which the shyness fit as well (they were resolutely staring anywhere except at Yosano). However, the clothes seemed masculine; biker’s jeans and flat boots, with a grey hoodie beneath the overcoat like this was their casual wear.
“Chibi is a nickname?” Yosano asked, even though she knew the answer. The couple just nodded.
One of the rules of their game was that no one could ask Dazai directly. He wasn’t the type to share so easily anyway, but now that rule felt like it barred asking Chibi their gender in order to figure Dazai out.
“I’m just walking Chibi to the town centre; I’ll catch up with you at the office.” Dazai said, with the sort of authority that meant Yosano wouldn’t be able to talk him into conversing much longer.
“Of course, I’ll see you there soon. It was lovely to meet you -” Yosano paused again, in case anyone felt like filling in a name (hopefully not a unisex one). Or maybe their voice would reveal them. “- you should come to one of the agency’s mixers! I’m sure everyone would want to meet you.”
This could be a silver lining. Figuring out Dazai’s sexuality left too much up to interpretation with bisexuality and aromantascism and what-have-you, but his partner’s gender - that was a guessing game with a much more concrete answer.
(They could be trans though.)
“Are you trans?” Yosano asked before they could turn away. Chibi froze again but Dazai laughed, like this was normal for parting words.
“No.”
Their voice was gruff, like a man’s. But it was light enough to still seem unclear. And the way their ears tinged pink as Dazai wrapped his arm over their shoulders -
This might be an even harder guessing game.
~~~
Kunikida had been even less on board with Yosano's new game than the old competition. Then he spoke to Dazai for a few minutes.
"Dazai. Your reports are late again."
"Ahahaha, sorry, Kunikida-kun, I was too busy having sex. Do you have sex?"
So that had been annoying enough, because in all truth Kunikida had been having a bit of a dry spell. Dazai might have guessed that independently, but his phone also went suspiciously missing over lunch and he knew his call history left a lot to be desired. Regardless, targeting Dazai's poor, innocent partner (who was probably worse off than Kunikida was, since they apparently have to live with Dazai) was still unfair, childish, immature, wasteful of company resources, not to mention an invasion of privacy.
Then Kunikida met them at the agency mixer.
Fukuzawa held a mixer a few months after they gained any new employees, usually waiting because turnover was high when abilities and the mafia were involved. Also, Ranpo annoyed a lot of new employees out of their contracts.
Security was high, kind off, but since Fukuzawa put Ranpo on 'making sure there won't be any surprise attacks' duty everyone in the agency was feeling confident.
"But I can let in any employees' plus-ones, right?" Ranpo clarified.
"Yes; they are our guests."
Kunikida didn't have a plus one, which he said was because he wanted to focus on the competition. Yosano did bring someone - a tall guy who was practically salivating over her - but he vanished ten minutes into the party. In contrast, Tanizaki's sister stuck to him from the punch bowl (non-alcoholic, he wasn't 18 yet) to the bathroom. He chose to ignore that.
"Dazai and his date, three o'clock." Yosano pointed out as they all gathered beside the desks. One of the assistants shoved them to the side to make room for the buffet table.
"With the red hair?"
"Yes."
His date, Chibi as Yosano called them, was confusingly gendered. They weren't wearing a dress but that proved nothing, their grey waistcoat was fitted well and the tailoring looked expensive, far nicer than the black suit set that Dazai wore. Good shoes as well - a high paying job then? Or maybe they wore suits for work and splurged?
"They're cute." Tanizaki lamented as his sister tugged on his sleeve. "I'm betting on a woman."
"We're betting now?!"
Yosano hummed. "Good idea - I'll go with male. ¥5000."
Dazai went to pass his date a drink but he spilled it before he handed it over, getting the date's shirt stained pink from the cranberry juice. They swore loudly enough for the whole room to hear it.
Knowing Dazai, he probably did that on purpose.
“I’ll go check on them.” Kunikida decided.
“Lecture them?”
“They’re causing a scene.” Though Fukuzawa didn’t seem to care about the erupting argument breaking out between his guests. “Besides, I don’t know if I want to bet on someone I don’t even know.”
In the next ten minutes, Kunikida would learn a lot of very useless information about Dazai’s partner. First he noticed how familiar they looked.
“Have I seen you somewhere before?” He asked as he offered them a napkin, Dazai had gone off somewhere to find them a towel. Kunikida tried not to look through their shirt, even if that might help win Yosano’s bet.
The date scoffed, “in your dreams, maybe. Why would you flirt with your coworker’s date?”
“What? I wasn’t -”
“Sure,” They rolled their eyes, “‘I’ve seen you somewhere before’ is on page one of introduction lines. And you waited for my boyfriend to run off before talking to me, offering your stupid napkin.” They snatched the napkin and threw it on the floor, stamping on it.
“That’s so, so - have you no etiquette?”
They did have etiquette, if the way they held themselves and postured even with a red stain across their front was any indication. Like they were used to this kind of mess - Dazai must throw drinks at them often.
“You should be more polite.” Kunikida decided to say.
“Hah, smile more? I’ll punch you.”
They weren’t ladylike at all. But would a man be so offended at getting hit on? Kunikida didn’t enjoy being flirted with when the women did not meet his standards, but the attention could be appreciated granted it was outside of working hours.
“Dazai told me you have shit luck dating people,” Kunikida spluttered, torn from his thoughts, “did you think putting up with Dazai made me easy?”
“You’re purposefully misinterpreting everything I say.”
They smirked, running a hand through their hair - “I guess Dazai gets it from somewhere.”
Probably not, Dazai could flip a conversation without you realising he was playing you. It was annoying and undercut any intimidation factor Kunikida had when they were in interrogations together. ‘Smart cop - dumb cop’ except Kunikida was smarter, he had thought, until Dazai had somehow talked him out of the room and gotten the criminal to confess on his own.
Perhaps his partner was a liar too. Or Dazai had truly convinced them they were the sneakier of the couple.
As if he knew Kunikida was thinking of him, Dazai approached with a damp towel from Fukuzawa’s private bathroom.
“That’s -”
“Before you say anything, the president gave me this to help out the Chibi. Do you really take me for a petty thief? A common criminal?”
Simultaneously, Kunikida and Dazai’s date both said “yes.”
“Aghh, you two hurt me,'' Dazai threw his arm over the redhead’s shoulders, leaning so his lips were against their temple. It was intimate. “Was Kunikida-kun bothering you? Asking any invasive questions?”
Kunikida flushed, insulted - “I would never be so crass!” He never even had the chance to ask questions, what with them jumping down his throat at the first word out of place.
They shoved Dazai’s arm off, ignoring Kunikida, “Like you have any ground to stand on, Dazai. You spilled a drink on me just to fondle my chest in public, that’s way more invasive.” True to their words, Dazai was presently dabbing at his date’s chest very thoroughly.
Kunikida would escort them out of the building, but Fukuzawa had been very clear that he wasn’t a chaperone and technically didn’t have authority over Dazai. Privately, he thought this was an oversight.
Despite their words, they didn’t shove Dazai off again and Kunikida was left to either watch awkwardly or head back to Yosano and Tanizaki, who had probably been watching this whole encounter with baited breath. The fitting choice between acting stoic to maintain polite social norms as Dazai’s hands started moving lower down his date’s body, or retreating to engage in actual invasive conversation from afar.
He chose to return to Yosano and Tanizaki. “I’m putting down ¥6000 that we’ll find out their gender by walking in on those two in a storage closet.” The couple fell into one of the buffet tables together and, yes, Kunikida was feeling pretty confident about this bet.
~~~
Tanizaki got lucky. Well, kind of. Dazai left his paperwork on his desk, again, and while usually Kunikida would collect it and throw it at Fukuzawa as evidence for termination, it was Friday. Which meant Kunikida had errands so left the office early. Therefore, Tanizaki got to choose what to do with the unfinished paperwork and a good intern would, of course, hand deliver it to Dazai's flat.
Yosano had mentioned where he lived, so Tanizaki took the train straight after work. To prevent anyone else from noticing what he was up to, he'd left the agency as soon as Dazai was out of sight but saw him again at the train station. Wherever he was going, it wasn't his flat. Perfect.
Dazai's name was on the postbox for a flat on the fourth floor. 'Dazai & Nakahara' - at least he had a name for the date now. Nakahara buzzed him in immediately.
"Nakahara-san," Tanizaki waved as they opened the door. They wore an oversized shirt, hair in a low bun. "Uh, did I wake you?"
They shook their head. "I woke up for my boyfriend getting home - I work nights."
Tanizaki peered a little at Nakahara's chest; the shirt was too baggy to glean any useful information. Instinctively, Nakahara crossed their arms.
"What are you -"
"So! I just came over to drop off these files Dazai-san left behind at the agency," He shoved the paperwork out across the threshold.
Nakahara shifted uncomfortably, but they took the files nonetheless. "Thank you… So I'll need to get ready now."
"Right."
"I've got work; I should have some food…"
"Okay."
"Dazai will be home soon -"
Tanizaki interrupted; "oh, Dazai-san won't be here for a while. He took a train in the opposite direction."
They scowled immediately, looking down at the paperwork like they might burn it. The edges flapped a little, as though they were shaking it, though Nakahara's hands looked still. Arms trembling so imperceptibly that Tanizaki could only see the effect on the paper? They could have an ability, dating Dazai after all.
He didn't ask. They didn't appear to be in the mood to answer.
"That idiot mackerel," they scrunched the paper up suddenly, like the corners fell in on each other. "He's so reckless."
"Dazai-san is probably just trying another suicide method." Tanizaki tried to comfort.
"I wish."
Worried, but in a feminine or masculine way? Tanizaki had bet on woman, but now he thought man seemed more likely. It was a feeling, from seeing Nakahara's vulnerability for a minute, but it felt right. Even so, he had a plan to know for sure, and it'd let him get out of here before Dazai appeared and probably had a fight with his partner over where he'd disappeared to on that train.
"Can I use your bathroom?" Tanizaki asked.
"Whatever, then get out of my hair. First door on the left."
He slid past Nakahara and headed straight to the bathroom. Toilet seat was up. Dazai had been at the agency all day - he wouldn't have peed here once - so Nakahara would have been the one to last use this toilet. Tanizaki pumped his fist into the air, ran the water, and sent a text that he'd figured it out.
As the saviour here, who ended their confusion, surely he should get the money even though he guessed incorrectly?
~~~
"I'm telling you - they're onto me." Chuuya was pacing, Dazai leaned back on the sofa with his crumpled paperwork over his face.
"They're not."
"They're fucking detectives! Finding criminals is their job," He stopped pacing, hovering slightly off the floor. Dazai noticed but Chuuya hadn't. "They've been glaring at me, Kunikida said I looked familiar, that intern kid even came here today -"
Dazai laughed, "you're such a worry-wart, Chibi~ Tanizaki was just being nice (or passive aggressive)."
If people found out that Dazai was dating a Port Mafia executive, he would have to go into hiding again. It wouldn't be a cakewalk for Chuuya either, since the mafia would probably then figure out he was dating a known traitor. Unfortunately, they weren't the most low-key pair.
"If they weren't onto my identity, why would they be investigating me?"
Dazai chuckled, like he knew something Chuuya didn't. "Just trust me. You do trust me, don't you?"
The pause spoke volumes, but Chuuya still said "Yes. So tell me where you went after work?"
Chuuya was usually good at cleaning up after himself. There had been a learning curve at first, but the normal authorities were not aware of his identity. Special ops, the guys Ango worked with, were aware for 'national security purposes', but that didn't trickle down to the ADA.
Unless Chuuya messed up. Then he'd be on their databases too.
"You're always so dramatic - I was just grabbing us groceries." Dazai paused, pulling the paper off from his face to look at his boyfriend. "You were really worried, huh?"
Chuuya hummed, sitting next to him. "When that intern came over and said you were on the other side of town… And where are these groceries?"
"'Groceries' was a misnomer - I bought gum."
"From across town?"
"I misspoke, I was buying a gun."
"Dazai."
He sighed, long suffering and curling an arm around Chuuya's waist to pull him closer. "I let Tanizaki come over on purpose because I knew he was investigating you. So I made sure to steer clear, so he could get the information and beat Kunikida."
Chuuya fixed a vice grip onto the wrist resting against his stomach, speaking with false sweetness. "Mackerel, what do you mean 'beat Kunikida'? If you've been letting your coworkers - actually, no, you let him get information on me?!"
Mind reeling, he elbowed Dazai in the ribs and tore away from him. Was the idiot trying to get him found out? He did have a reputation for being self-destructive, but never reckless.
"Chibi ~ noo don't leave," he tried.
"I have to go to work."
"Crime? You have to go and do crime."
That was insulting. Chuuya said as much, and Dazai deflected and he decided to just leave because he really did have crimes he would be late to committing.
"We're discussing this later!" He yelled as he stormed out, grabbing his hat.
"Okay, Chibi! Don't die!"
~~~
Chuuya liked to think he committed a very great, successful crime. A weapons ring having a trade with a drug cartel needed a broker, so as a Port Mafia executive Chuuya had been called upon. It was pretty easy work; just make sure all the money was there and none of the merchandise was microchipped.
He was only there to intimidate the other criminals into not causing trouble, plus for 10% of the cash. Unfortunately, the guns had an explosive planted inside. Chuuya mitigated the blast - the explosion went off, but with the shrapnel weighed down the only victims were the two guys holding the crate-lid open.
And also, the deal went down in the basement of an abandoned, not totally structurally sound, warehouse. So when the explosion went off, even though Chuuya protected most people present, the first floor did collapse down and he then had to use The Tainted Sorrow to keep the basement ceiling suspended. Which allowed everyone else present to start shooting at each other.
Of course the police were called, with Chuuya stuck immobile trying to decide whether it'd be worth pissing off the two gangs who hired the Port Mafia by letting a bunch of their members die.
Then Kunikida appeared, gun aimed at his chest - "Everyone freeze! Hands up."
His hands were already up, supporting the whole warehouse. Chuuya tried to angle his face away from Kunikida, "Leave or this whole place comes down."
"Uh, this is a hostage situation?" He asked and, yes, perhaps it was.
At least he didn't seem to recognise his voice. "I'll drop the whole warehouse, I swear to God."
Kunikida took several steps back, as did the fighting gang members. He should threaten to collapse a building on top of Dazai sometime. He flexed his arms and some rubble fell, only to stop midway as Chuuya kept it under the control of The Tainted Sorrow. The men around him flinched.
One of them shot at him, perhaps as a reflex. Not a problem, he blocked it by suddenly increasing the gravitational pull affecting the bullet. Then half the ceiling fell in, because he lost focus.
Chuuya managed to direct the collapse, somewhat, definitely crushed a few drug dealers along the way but the rubble crumbled down between him and Kunikida. He made a run for it - Dazai's stupidness aside, getting caught by the ADA would fuck both their lives up.
He wasn't in the best state sprinting down the street; covered in dust and concrete chunks and trousers torn up at the bottom, jacket abandoned somewhere in a gutter as he tore into an alleyway to catch his breath. He leaned against a wall, and found that his hat had been lost somewhere along the way too.
"Fuck." Chuuya snapped through gritted teeth. Where'd that go? Snagged on broken pipe somewhere?
He heard footsteps approaching and steadied his stance, ready for a fight. Chuuya moved his left foot back and raised his right arm, almost reacting as soon as Kunikida rounded the corner with his gun up.
If he'd pulled the trigger, Chuuya would have curled his bones into a gravity-defying pretzel. Instead, Kunikida's arm dropped.
"Nakahara-san?" Just how quickly did that intern share Chuuya's surname? "What are you doing here?"
"Uhh…" Kunikida was staring straight at him. "I can explain. I was just -"
At the scene of a crime? Holding up a warehouse with his special ability? Threatening multiple people, including Kunikida himself, with a brutal death?
"You're a mess!" Kunikida marched over, leaning down to inspect him. Chuuya had half a mind to punch him before he recognised the obvious here, but then - "were you caught up in that building collapse?"
"... No?"
"Then how come you're covered in concrete?" He floundered for an appropriate, non-violent excuse. "Actually, that's not important - are you hurt?"
Chuuya supposed he was part of a police organisation that theoretically should prioritise public wellbeing. And mafia safety.
"I'm fine. You're acting weird."
"Strict company policy not to let loved ones die - that attack could have been a diversion to target you. Have you seen any suspicious individuals?"
This had to be a set up, but still he complied "suspicious like..?"
"There was someone, about your height, wearing a hat back there. Some sort of telekinesis ability, ginger hair I think -" Kunikida said without a hint of second guessing himself.
"So hair like mine. My height. Wearing a suit like mine?"
"How did you know?" He had to be kidding. "But anyway, the hat was most recognisable; have you seen anybody like that?"
Either these detectives were super chill about criminals, or Kunikida was fucking dense. The guy was uptight enough for Chuuya to assume the latter, and it was as relieving as it was worrying for the safety of their city.
"This is why you've not fired Dazai." He realised out loud. They were terrible detectives with one good one in the batch - no way they could afford to lose him over missed shifts and blatant disrespect. "I've not seen any criminals, Kunikida-san." He ammended when Kunikida just looked confused.
The other man considered him for a second, then glanced out to the street. "I'll take you home, anyway. It might not be safe and I'm sure Dazai wouldn't be pleased with me leaving his boyfriend -" Kunikida shot him a meaningful look "- to fend for himself.".
"Sure." Worrying that the ADA were onto him was now the last thing on his mind.
Chuuya trailed behind Kunikida on the way to his car. Several passers-by stared at him, like they recognised him as the guy running from the massive building collapse just a few minutes ago. He clenched his fists, causing a red glow, and they scurried away.
His hat was on the ground just a few metres from Kunikida's car. Chuuya snatched it up as his back was turned. Apparently he was only recognisable as a mafioso wearing it.
The thought made him chuckle, just a bit. The ADA were lucky Dazai joined before Chuuya realised he could just take off his hat and take down one of their, apparently, smartest members.
Which - "Kunikida-san, what was it that Tanizaki beat you in?"