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Minghao had lived with episodes of paranoia for as long as he could remember. There would be times as a kid when he’d curl up screaming in the corner of his room. He only had vague memories of his first episode as a kid, but he’d been eight years old and had to be drugged at the hospital to force him to calm down.
Since he’d joined SEVENTEEN, his episodes had become much less frequent and less severe to the point that he could easily ride out episodes locked in his room for a few hours, although it was in no way pleasant for him.
Minghao had always kept his episodes a secret from the members. He didn’t want to risk getting kicked out for something he could manage, although he had to admit that sometimes he desperately wanted someone to hug during the episodes.
It was while they were on their third world tour that Minghao had another episode, one that he could not hide from the members.
He first realised he was about to have an episode after a concert when he saw some staff members he hadn’t seen before and asked Junhui about them, asking if they were translator staff members from the country they were performing in. Junhui just told Minghao to get some water and perhaps an oxygen mask, assuming that Minghao was over-exhausted from the concert and needed a break.
Minghao was left staring at the two staff members, who soon faded to distant shadows on the wall before disappearing completely.
Minghao was quick to change out of his performance outfit and into some comfortable clothes to head back to the hotel.
In the van, Minghao accused Mingyu of switching their water bottles, even though they were identical plastic bottles that all the members were using. It wasn’t until Minghao started yelling at Mingyu that the others interfered, telling Minghao to stop being ridiculous and go to sleep.
Minghao settled down until he started crying, nobody else noticed until they got to the hotel and grabbed their bags to head to their rooms.
Minghao was to room with Junhui, as usual, but it was Jeonghan who first noticed something wrong with Minghao.
“HaoHao, why are you crying, honey?” Jeonghan said, voice soft as he wrapped an arm around Minghao’s shoulders.
Minghao shook his head, throwing Jeonghan off him. “Stop pretending you care.” Minghao huffed, walking off and getting into the elevator without anyone else.
The rest of the members got into the second elevator, giving each other concerned looks.
“Are we sure Myungho-ssi isn’t breaking down because of the tour?” Seungcheol asked, looking at all the members. “I’m pretty sure he doesn’t normally get pissed over water bottles, and definitely not to the point of crying over it. He never cries.”
There was an echo of agreements.
“Jun, just keep an eye on him tonight. If anything odd happens, let us know.” Jeonghan said, looking at the Chinese man.
Junhui nodded. “Sure thing.”
They were all silent when the elevator doors opened, heading to their rooms without another word.
When Junhui reached his room, he found the door open slightly. He pushed it open properly and stepped in, scanning the room for any sign of Minghao. His bag was on the bed and the bathroom door was closed. Junhui tried the handle, the door opening the first time.
What Junhui saw in the bathroom shook him.
Minghao was curled up in the small space between the bathtub and the toilet, lying on his side with his legs drawn up to his chest and hands clamped tightly over his ears. Junhui could hear his desperate sobbing and moved closer to examine him more.
Minghao had his eyes screwed shut, swollen and bruised from rubbing. There was a dark bruise forming on his collarbone and a few scratches at the base of his neck.
Junhui reached out, placing a hand on Minghao’s shoulder. The moment he made contact, Minghao screamed, the noise so loud and piercing that Junhui’s bones ached.
Minghao threw his head back, hitting it on the side of the bath with a nasty crack. Minghao thrashed out at Junhui but his wrist hit the toilet instead.
Junhui grabbed Minghao out of reflex, wanting to protect Minghao from any further harm.
Junhui kept his arms looped around Minghao’s waist, pinning his arms to his sides while he dragged Minghao out of the bathroom and into the middle of the room where there was nothing he could hit.
“STOP!” Minghao screamed, voice terrified and desperate.
Junhui could see fear in his glazed eyes. He didn’t look like he was in reality. Suddenly, what Seungcheol had said in the elevator sprang to mind. Was Minghao really breaking down?
“Hao, it’s me. It’s Junnie. Just tell me what’s going on.” Junhui tried, pressing a gentle kiss to the big bruise forming on the back of Minghao’s head.
Tears escaped down Minghao’s cheeks. “Don’t touch me. Nobody touch me. Don’t come near!” He cried, trying to escape Junhui’s arms.
Junhui let go, not wanting Minghao to harm himself in his desperate bid to escape.
“Hao, it’s just you and me. There’s nobody else in here.” Junhui said, voice loud and clear for Minghao.
Minghao shook his head, backing into the floor-to-ceiling windows. “Don’t lie to me, Junhui.” He hissed, voice taking on an edge of warning.
“Tell me how many there are and why you think so,” Junhui said, trying to make Minghao see sense.
Minghao pointed behind him. “I can see their shadows, there are three of them. And they’re talking too. They’re talking to me. You’re lying.”
Junhui shook his head, standing up to approach Minghao with caution, reaching for his phone to call Seungcheol. “Why do you think I’m lying to you?”
Minghao sniffed slightly. “You just are. You hate me just like the others. You’re trying to make me think I’m crazy. I’m not crazy, you’re just lying to me.”
Just as Junhui got close enough to reach him, Minghao gave him a harsh kick to the shin and bolted for the bathroom, locking the door so Junhui couldn’t follow him.
Junhui quickly called Seungcheol, telling him everything he knew.
Less than a minute later there was a knock on the door and Junhui opened it to see Seungcheol and Jeonghan.
“Where is he?” Seungcheol asked, stepping into the room and looking around.
Junhui pointed to the bathroom door, collapsing onto the bed with an exhausted sigh. “Should I call an ambulance?”
Jeonghan nodded while Seungcheol knocked on the bathroom door.
“Hao, can you come out of there? It’s Cheollie-Hyung.” Seungcheol asked, voice soft yet exhausted.
“Fuck off!” Minghao yelled, voice muffled. He was probably curled up in the corner again.
Seungcheol sighed. “Can we get an ambulance up here?”
“Already on it.” Junhui said, pressing the ‘call’ button on his phone to connect himself to the emergency services. They were in the US, but Minghao’s healthcare covered all countries, so they would be alright.
Seungcheol and Jeonghan kept trying to get Minghao out of the bathroom while Junhui headed downstairs to wait for the paramedics to arrive.
By the time Junhui came back upstairs with two paramedics in tow, Seungcheol and Jeonghan had gotten no closer to getting Minghao out of the bathroom.
The paramedics took a different approach to talk Minghao out of the bathroom, but when it didn’t work, they simply got Jeonghao to pick the lock.
Once the door was open, they found Minghao on the floor with a lot more nasty bruises than before.
Minghao screamed again the moment a paramedic tried to get him to roll over, lashing out at them.
“Stop!! They’re going to hurt me!!” Minghao screamed, kicking and bucking in the paramedic’s grip as he tried to escape.
Instead of backing away from Minghao, the paramedic pinned Minghao to the floor by his wrists long enough for the other paramedic to give him an injection of what they said was midazolam. After the injection, Minghao quickly relaxed to the point of being barely conscious, and he was loaded onto the gurney.
Junhui threw Minghao’s frog-patterned blanket over him before the paramedics strapped him into the gurney.
“Can I come with you? I’m the boyfriend.” Junhui said, following the paramedics as they started to move the gurney out of the room.
The paramedics agreed to let Junhui come with them but they told Seungcheol and Jeonghan to follow separately if they wanted to visit him.
In the ambulance, Minghao was monitored closely for his breathing and pulse because of the sedative effects of the injection.
Junhui was reassured that the drug meant Minghao wouldn’t remember anything after the injection, which Junhui was thankful for. The paramedic in the back also explained that Minghao would need a psychiatric evaluation and perhaps even to be admitted if his state was really bad.
Junhui explained that Minghao had been talking about figures since their concert ended and that he had been getting agitated at Mingyu for ‘swapping bottles’ on the way to the hotel.
When they got to the hospital, Minghao was quickly moved to a private room where he had soft medical restraints linked around his wrists to keep him on the bed and his ankles and waist were also restrained. Minghao was obviously a high-risk patient, and even the hospital bracelet that was wrapped around his wrist said he was there for psychosis. They finally placed an oxygen mask over his face before everyone cleared out of the room.
It wasn’t long for a psychiatrist to come in to check over Minghao and ask Junhui about what had happened.
Junhui explained everything as it had happened before the psychiatrist told him what would happen to Minghao.
He would have an evaluation once he woke up and after that, they would choose a course of treatment. Junhui thanked the psychiatrist before they left Junhui and Minghao alone.
Minghao’s eyes were half-open, but Junhui knew he wouldn’t remember anything that happened before the medication wore off, and then he would have to have an evaluation. Minghao wasn’t going to like the restraints, Junhui was sure of that, especially not because of how restrictive they were. Minghao couldn’t move his arms or legs at all with the way they had pinned him down.
Junhui brushed his hair back, singing gentle Mandarin lullabies to get him to relax.
———————
Minghao woke up the next morning feeling awful. Junhui had slept in the chair beside his bed when he heard an agitated moan from the bed.
He opened his eyes to see Minghao trying to tug at the restraints, although his movements weren’t overly coordinated.
Junhui immediately moved forwards, resting his hand on top of Minghao’s and brushing his hair back. “Hey, HaoHao.”
“Where?” Minghao said, voice slurred and tired. He looked around him before coming to a conclusion with an exhausted sigh. “Not again.” He whispered, giving up on pulling his restraints.
“Not again? What do you mean?” Junhui asked, pressing a kiss to Minghao’s forehead.
Minghao sighed. “I’m sorry I didn’t say anything. I’ve had these episodes since I was eight but my parents didn’t exactly have the money for any treatment so I didn’t bother getting a diagnosis. I don’t know what it is.”
Junhui sighed and pressed the ‘call nurse’ button on the wall.
A nurse soon came into the room, and Junhui asked for the psychiatrist who had come in earlier to come back down when they were ready.
Soon enough, the psychiatrist was back, taking a seat beside Minghao’s bed and asking him about what happened.
“It’s been happening since I was eight. I normally get hallucinations, but they’re just shadows or little whispers. Sometimes they help me. Sometimes I just start hallucinating more and get really bad paranoia and have a panic attack and I can’t help it. They normally only happen once or twice a month and since being in the group I've just hidden them because I didn’t want to to be a burden. My family didn’t have enough money for treatments if I did have anything so we just didn’t get a diagnosis. I don’t think I’ve ever had an episode that bad though.”
The psychiatrist nodded. “Alright. Well, I believe it’s something along the lines of paranoid schizophrenia or psychosis. I’ll get a second opinion and then we can go over treatment options. For now, I’d like to have you admitted to outpatient care in the psychiatric ward.”
Minghao nodded. “Yeah, okay. But can I have these restraints off?”
The psychiatrist shook their head, smiling sadly. “I’m sorry. It’s just a precaution. What you had last night was quite severe so we’d like to keep those on for a bit longer.”
Minghao frowned, looking up at Junhui.
“I’m sure once they have a treatment option they’ll remove the restraints,” Junhui reassured him. “You’re doing a lot better now, so I’m sure they’ll be gone soon.”
Minghao sighed and laid back against the pillow again, frustrated at his lack of movement.
Junhui gave Minghao a big hug, reminding him that they would only be here to get things sorted and then they would be back out again.
———————
Minghao was discharged the next day with a prescription for chlorpromazine. He had been told that the medication would ward off all the hallucinations and paranoia he had been experiencing, and it should help ease, if not stop, his episodes.
Minghao had been pulled out of the remaining three US concerts to recover a little more, and then it was up to him whether he went back into the concerts or not.
When Minghao got back to the hotel, everyone greeted him in his and Junhui’s room with warm, relieved hugs.
Seungcheol and Jeonghan made sure to express how thankful they were that he was feeling better before Junhui made everyone leave so Minghao could get some more rest.
Minghao’s absences from concerts were explained as the ‘common cold’ in official announcements from the company, but Hitman Bang had given him the choice to reveal the real reason if Minghao wanted to, which he had no intention of.
Living with psychosis had always been hard for Minghao. Having constant hallucinations had caught the attention of a few members in the past, but they’d all passed it off as exhaustion.
Minghao was glad that they now knew and that his support system was now extended beyond just himself. Minghao now also had the option of therapy and psychiatric hospital treatment when things got bad, which was definitely something he could have used as a kid.
He was just thankful he was getting it now.
Minghao went to sleep that night tucked up in Junhui’s arms, softly lulled to sleep by Junhui’s soft voice humming old Mandarin lullabies until Minghao’s eyes slipped shut and he fell asleep.