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It must've been nearly 2 in the morning. The city was quiet, the sound of rain drowning out all the ambient noise except for the occasional police siren or a stray dog howling.
Leon wasn't sure how he had found himself in this position again. Standing at your front door, hand hesitating over the doorbell.
This wasn't the first time he had found himself here without a word. Traveling halfway across the city only to let his anxiety get the best of him, returning home twice as upset at himself.
It had been two weeks since he had last seen you since he had last heard your laugh. Two weeks since he had felt his own smile.
He had run into you that night by pure coincidence. Leaving the local pub at around midnight he had accidentally knocked you over. You had just gotten out of a 12-hour shift but you would never pass up on the opportunity to hang out with Kennedy himself.
The two of you spent what felt like hours talking on the curbside, laughing with one another, and shoving each other around. Just playing.
It was a pleasant night though he drank too much as always. Concerned for your safety he walked you home. Made sure you fell asleep, rubbing circles in the hand you had asked him to hold. The realization of his feelings slowly settled in as he watched you doze off.
He was gone by the morning.
The fear of abandonment creeping up into his head only got louder as the two of you got closer.
Before that night you two hung out at least three times a week. Watching movies together, ordering in food, trying the latest game releases.
He would often just sit on the couch across from you as you studied and finished up paperwork be it for work or for college he was there reading a book, answering messages from work. A comfortable silence the two of you enjoyed.
He hadn't answered any of your calls or messages in two weeks.
He wanted more, wanted to be more. Every time you held him, every time you played with his hair. It was all platonic he had convinced himself.
You were career-oriented and focused on the end goal. He could only see himself as a barrier.
It wasn't fair to you he had thought. He hadn't even told you what he did for work. Hadn't told you why he was put on temporary leave.
Still, no matter how much he was convinced he didn't deserve to be around you, he found himself here again.
He was barely lucid as when he had hopped on his bike. He drove off thinking he had no plan of where to go. Yet without realizing it he found himself here again.
The rain showed no signs of stopping, the thunderous weight of the clouds only sinking over in the sky the longer he waited here. It could've been a sign, to hurry up and decide to knock or just go back to his apartment.
But sign or not he ignored it, his shame overtaking him.
He had been on a drinking bender, the nightmares only getting worse as he quickly ran out of ways to deal with them alone.
He tried not to drink around you. You never seemed to like it too much.
But this time he couldn't help it anymore. He could barely tell how long he had been sober between the missing gaps in his memory where he was blackout drunk or simply being terrorized by the nightmares. Images of being torn apart and being pulled back together.
His own personal hell to atone for whatever sins he must’ve committed in his past life.
He sighed, finally. Deciding this was ridiculous. There was no reason for him to be here. What did he expect? To be held by you? To finally confess his feelings? To have his feeling validated and maybe even reciprocated?
I must be a fool to even hope for any of this, He mentally kicked himself. He had ghosted you for two weeks. Did he really think you would just accept him back into your life even as a friend? Much less something more.
Though the number of texts you consistently sent him answer or no answer only made him feel more delusional. Led him to think maybe there was hope in all of-
Before Leon could react, the clicking of the door unlocking and slowly creeping open froze him in place.
He stared, wide-eyed, just as shocked to see you as you were to see him.
“Leon..? I knew it was you standing there! You scared the shit out of me!” You laughed softly grinning ear to ear, ecstatic to see him.
The smile didn't last long as you looked him up and down, realizing the state he was in did nothing compared to how well put together he appeared the last time you had seen him.
“Hey, hey what's wrong? Let's get inside yeah? It's absolutely pouring out here. You’ll get sick.” You stood to the side, trying to motion him in.
He stood still, glaring at the pavement. Guilt eating him up from the inside out, embarrassed to be seen in this state.
You didn't let him wallow, grabbing him by his arm and pulling him inside not wanting him to sit out in the rain any longer.
You sat him down on the couch, a warm cup of tea in his hands in an instant. He eyed all the papers sprawled across your coffee table. Essay drafts and research proposals for your university. Always ahead of the game.
Late nights like these were common for you. You worked irregular shifts and had to find time anywhere you could to study. Leon had occupied your mind much more in the last two weeks, concern for his wellbeing slowing your usual pace. The thought of ever feeling burdened hadn't even occurred to you, and it never would. Leon was important to you. He was your best friend.
Your heart felt wrong every time you thought of him that way.
Best friend.
It was a suitable title for the best man in all your life. So why didn't you feel content with it?
You sat next to him on the couch, settling on your knees. Waiting for any sign of a mood shift- be it positive or negative- you were prepared to comfort him.
“Was it another nightmare?” You tried, sensing that maybe he didn't want to be the one to initiate the conversation.
Why are they acting like everything's back to normal? Like I didn't ghost them for the past two weeks…
Leon could only nod, not knowing how to admit that he was a shitty companion, feeling that it wasn't fair. You should be mad at him, you should be pissed at him for only showing up when he found himself at his lowest again. Right?
He pursed his lips, staring down at the cup of tea still in his hands, more being used as a heat source than an actual beverage. His face barely illuminated by your dimly lit apartment. Only two lamps in the corner of the room offered their warm glow.
“Leon, your jacket is soaked…can we take this off? I can toss it in the dryer for you and get you one of my hoodies instead.” you softly pinched the sleeve of his jacket.
Leon didny say anything, he was devoid of any reaction.
Unsure of the thoughts running through his mind you gently removed the cup from his hand and set it on the coffee table. Ignoring the tinted stain it’d leave on your research papers.
It didn't matter.
Slowly you pulled him into a hug, leaning back into the couch so you could warm him up. You planted a soft kiss on his forehead. That was the breaking point
Leon felt himself melt into the affection.
Soaked jacket. Greasy hair. Unshaved. Reeking of alcohol.
none of it mattered to you. You were devoid of judgment, only offering care and love.
You wanted to keep him safe. You wanted better for him, saw the best in him even at his worst. This was no different.
He didn't understand why you were so kind to him, maybe all friends are just like this…
Friends…yeah. You two were friends. Great buddies.
Nothing more.
He tried to ignore the deep ache in his heart, finally reciprocating the hug after a moment. Unable to stop the sob that hiccuped its way out, he buried his face into the crook of your neck, scrunching his eyes to try and stop the tears.
You ran your hands through his hair, gently detangling the few knots here and there, softly whispering to him, trying to get his mind away from whatever dark places it had wandered.
“I care about you Leon. ‘m so happy to see you. Do you know that? I was so worried something had happened to you…I was scared I would never see that stupid dorky smile of yours.”
It was corny to say sure, but nothing you had ever done felt more true to say than this. It had only been a week or two but it felt like months. Too long.
“Not once did I ever stop thinking about you…” you admitted.
“I’m sorry..” he finally spoke his voice uncharacteristically scared, “I just…I was just” he looked for a good way to explain himself. Explain his actions and the cause of his mental state without revealing too much about his job, and the nightmares it entailed.
“Shh, it's okay Leon. You don't need to explain yourself. I’m not looking to guilt you, I just want you to know I care about you and I’m happy to see you again.”
Leon wept quietly. You continued to rub circled on his back, humming a familiar tune, letting Leon get all the bad feelings out. Hoping to let him finally decompress.
Finally, after some time he spoke again.
“I want to be better” He whispered so quietly you almost missed it.
A small smile tugged at your lips. Feeling your heart swell with pride “
“Leon… you’re strong. Stronger than anyone I know. Whatever you want to do I know you can do it.” You planted another kiss on his hair, “I’ll be here for anything. If you doubt yourself for even just a moment I’ll be here to remind you how stubborn and how strong you can be. We’ll get through this all together.”
No matter how many times you had found yourself comforting Leon, it always felt like whiplash seeing him this way.
On good days Leon was a snarky bastard. Your best friend. He had a comeback for everything. Always prepared for a fight. Prepared to defend you physically and always offering a shoulder to cry on.
He was plenty affectionate, you loved that you could be this close with him though it confused you. Leaving you wondering whether or not it was purely platonic.
Despite it all, you were happy to know he was comfortable enough to drop his walls with you.
Friends, more than friends, you could put aside your feelings for him anytime. Even if it stung a little.
You had always avoided relationships, put friendships and any romantic partners on the back burner in favor of your career, in favor of school.
But Leon…Leon was the exception. He was and always would be the exception. With him, it felt like you only pushed each other forward. Always pushing on another to be better.
All other relationships had failed you, previous partners weighing you down to ask you to slow your pace, to stop and “smell the flowers” or whatever. They were put off and annoyed by your determination to change the world.
It was different with Leon. he only ever encouraged you in everything you did. He had his problems but you would put anything aside for him. He was a priority to you and you knew that once everything was okay you’d have each other and neither of you would let the other fall behind. Leon was the only person who could show you how to pause and breathe sometimes.
And maybe that was just friendship.
Maybe it was more...
You hoped it was more.
You pulled away just a bit from Leon.
“We’ll get through this Leon,” you repeated softly, pressing your forehead against his, shutting your eyes, content with having him so close. You felt him nod.
“I love you.” He breathed.
Your stomach did flips.
“I love you more”
Maybe it was the exhaustion, but there was a thickness in the air that lingered, begging the question for clarification.
There had to be more.
You and Leon were finally convinced. There was more.
And it would only bloom from here.