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It's crazy, unbelievable, and a sprinkle of 'How?' if Tsukasa takes a moment to think about the currently situation he finds his life in.
As they lay down on bed, with Rui's head snuggled against the crook of Tsukasa's neck and Tsukasa caressing his head, gently enough as to not wake the other up, he can't help but stare fondly at (what he can see) of Rui's face, the moonlight being the only thing keeping the darkness away.
As time passed, Tsukasa got used to how clingy Rui could be at night (if the way his arm is protectively hugging Tsukasa's waist and his head fits perfectly under the star's chin, sometimes nuzzling impossibly closer, is any sort of hint) and honestly, that's one of the many things he finds adorable about the director.
Tsukasa smiles, feeling the soft hair under his fingertips.
He doesn't need to look at the digital clock beside the bed to know it must be at least 1AM now. He is restless, unlike the taller of the two, who didn't even take 2 minutes to fall on a deep sleep.
Both of them had a tiring day today. Emu and Nene decided to visit and they went out, spending practically the entire day together. It was fun.
Tsukasa sighed, slowly adjusting the blanket that was covering both of them. It was a particular cold day (or night?) and maybe (definitely) turning the air conditioner on wasn't a good idea.
Hm. No matter, Rui's warmth was enough to keep both of them cozy and comfortable.
... How long has it been since they have been like this, so close to each other? Years, surely.
Tsukasa is ashamed to answer that he doesn't remember the exact date, but he remembers other stuff, such as the time that he began to realize his feelings for Rui a long time ago, and came to peace with the fact that he might be gay.
He wasn't that good in remembering past events anyway, but how could he forget something so important? It's simply unforgivable. A sin.
It all began when Emu and Nene were storing their equipment. The two girls were excited to go to a new Taiyaki shop that opened. Tsukasa and Rui had politely declined when Nene approached them, having their own stuff to do in the meantime.
Nene didn't look disappointed but instead quite happy. They're not surprised.
And so that's how Rui and Tsukasa were alone, on a bench. doing their 'own stuff'. Rui was building a robot, if he remembers correctly, and Tsukasa was writing the script for their next show.
The occasional sounds of machinery could be heard as Rui tinkered with the robot, quite loud in fact, but honestly Tsukasa didn't mind.
Unfortunately it seems that Tsukasa had a creativity block. He stared at the blank paper, and it stared back at him. His head began to hurt just from thinking.
It wasn't new that Tsukasa had a crush on Rui.
But it didn't help when Rui was the straight forward type, doing things like teasing Tsukasa and said that he was special certainly did a strong hit on him, a good one. His heart skipped a few beats sometimes.
But it turns painful as soon as he remembers that that is all they were: teasing. Nothing special. It's not that Rui can't do what he likes, but Tsukasa also would appreciate it if Rui never said such things if he didn't meant it literally.
Maybe it's just with Tsukasa. Maybe.
Tsukasa never said anything, though. He was afraid to hurt Rui in some way and then he might not be the same ever again.
Plus, Nene did tell him how Rui has changed a lot ever since he joined Wonderland X Showtime. He's more carefree now, and he smiles more.
Tsukasa is happy too, he really is. But telling Rui something like that? No, thank you.
But he still likes Rui. That, my friend, is undeniable.
He groans, both from the creativity block and all of his pining for the boy beside him, looking around for maybe some sort of inspiration that could magically give him some kind of idea for a show. Anything works, really. Tsukasa remembers that the park was already closing at that time, so there wasn't many people around. Maybe it was better, maybe it wasn't, Tsukasa doesn't remember. Doesn't know.
The future Star had leaned down, propping his elbow on his knee. One hand holding his chin and the other tightly gripping the sheet of paper. He really didn't want the wind to carry it somewhere very far away.
Before Tsukasa knew it he was turning around, trying to figure out what Rui was doing. He... Never figured out. On his own, at least.
Tsukasa never realized how Rui could look so beautiful when he is concentrated and not wearing one of his smug smiles whenever he had an idea prepared specially for Tsukasa, and maybe, just maybe, Tsukasa wanted to see more of it. Know more about Rui. It wasn't enough, he wanted more-
"... Tsukasa-kun? Do you need something?"
Tsukasa would have fallen face first into the floor due to the shock, but thankfully, he straightened his back before a disaster could happen. "A-Ah... I'm sorry. It's seems like I'm... spacing out!"
Rui noticed his stuttering, because he musters what he hopes to be a reassuring smile. "It's okay, Tsukasa-kun. You don't have to push yourself, it will take a while until we can prepare our next show~"
And it shouldn't have such a strong impact on Tsukasa's poor heart. "Ah... You're right. I'm sorry."
"You don't have to apologize."
"Ah."
"..."
"..."
Well, this is awkward... Maybe...
"... Rui?" Tsukasa asks. His voice kind of sounds vulnerable, weak, and the reason is because of the next question he might ask.
"Hmm?"
"How do you..." And oh, whatever being that resides up there, please give him confidence that he lacks at this moment, so out of character. Tsukasa lowers his head, suddenly deciding that the still blank paper on his hand is much more important than their conversation that he himself began.
"How do you know that you love someone?"
Rui is silent for a moment, before he laughs, and that was enough to make Tsukasa regret everything. His shoulders stiffened, and he stopped breathing for a moment. But he waited. "I... Am not the most interesting person to ask such thing, but..."
Rui is silent again, and that is Tsukasa's cue to look up. However, their eyes don't meet, for Rui was also looking away. For him, the leaves that come and go around the stage brought by the wind are also more important than their conversation. Thankfully, he seems oblivious to Tsukasa's inner panic.
He looks so ethereal like this, Tsukasa thinks. This Rui, unlike the other, seems thoughtful, as if carefully thinking his next words. Tsukasa thinks his messy hair looks very cute, he wishes he could take a picture.
... That's kinda creepy, but hopefully you can get an idea of how much Tsukasa respects (adores?) Rui.
"Love is something you cannot put into words," Rui finally replies, nodding his head, words already arranged inside his mind and ready on the tip of his tongue. "It is something painful, but also wonderful. You cannot control it, however."
Tsukasa listens intently. He compares it with what he thinks he feels for Rui, and so far everything falls into place.
"You feel like you want to spend time with that person, not wanting to stray away. You think about them as if your entire life revolves around them. You miss them just as you would miss something greatly important to you, if it is requited. If it isn't painful.
On the other side, in the painful way, you might keep thinking and thinking about them even knowing it isn't mutual. You might be cursed to love that person for the rest of your life if you don't find someone else, or even not find something that brightens your life enough just like they did.
It's easy to say, but hard to do. You can't just love someone and expect to leave it alone after it doesn't go as you expected or wanted. I don't doubt people would be bold enough to die alone inside their room without confessing their love to someone, but the fear of rejection is strong enough, I suppose." He laughs at his own words. It's a weird explanation, but Tsukasa is used to it at this point.
"It's something complex, but also simple. In a way love is kinda scary..." Rui huffs, still looking far ahead, it seems his monologue has ended. His voice sounds close, but also so far away, as if his head is on the clouds. Until it isn't anymore when he blinks back into reality. "Ah. It seems I rambled too much."
Tsukasa shakes his head, finally making eye contact with Rui's yellow eyes. His attention is completely on Tsukasa now. "It's fine. I think I..."
'I understand it because I feel it for you', he wants to say. 'It's exactly what I feel for you, Rui. Can you feel it? Can you notice the way I look at you? Do you also feel the same for me? Can you stop this fear inside me, the fear of losing you?
... Can you not make me die alone inside of my room without someone that loves me because I was too afraid to confess my feelings?'
"I understand." He replies, instead of the mess that is going inside his head.
Rui smiles, one of his cat-like grins. "Why? Is Tsukasa-kun in love with someone?"
"Yes." He immediately replies, before turning red. "I-I MEAN! Yes! No! I-I don't know yet!!"
"It's fine Tsukasa-kun, I was just teasing you."
There it is.
"... Oh. Oh." Tsukasa tries to hide his relief when he speaks.
He doesn't know what came over him or what was even happening to him all this time. Maybe it's because of all the time he spent bottling up these feelings, or maybe he really was that desperate. Desperate for something, anything. Maybe.
He explains it further to Rui anyways, because that person is the one right beside him. Tsukasa trusts Rui very much, and he has always been weak to said director.
"It's... Not confirmed, but I think I like someone. Someone very dear to me."
Rui is silent. He stares at Tsukasa, the robot in his hands long forgotten.
"How does it feel?"
"Huh?"
"Liking someone, I mean."
"It's... Just like you said, right? I don't know."
Rui giggles, and then shakes his head. "I was simply recalling something an old friend of mine told me. They weren't very good, either, but it made sense. Love."
"Then... Maybe it's like love, but weaker. It hurts to not know how they feel about you."
It hurts to not know anything, actually. Tsukasa doesn't know where he is getting at. Apparently, Rui doesn't either. Of course.
Tsukasa looks away, too ashamed to look at the person beside him. "I don't know, though. It's something along these lines..." He nervously laughs, scratching the back of his neck.
"I can imagine too, but it's hard to explain."
"... Exactly."
"Why did you ask me something like that, Tsukasa-kun? Are you hopeless?" Rui snorts, clearly teasing again. But instead of the momentary way Tsukasa could feel his cheeks warming, the punch to Tsukasa's already damaged feelings comes instead.
'Yes, I am.' He wants to say.
'In fact, it's you.'
Tsukasa forces out a laugh. A poor attempt to hide how he is desperately holding the pieces of his almost-to-be-blown heart.
"Maybe."
And then Rui looks at him straight into the eyes in disbelief, as if he expected Tsukasa to say something else. Something different.
Tsukasa doesn't know what it is. He never knew what Rui was thinking, it was always something so unexpected, chaotic, even weird in Rui's own way. A beautiful mess.
It was always been like that, Tsukasa thinks. It has always been the same thing over and over again. A loop.
It was Rui's turn to think, and Tsukasa can see by the corner of his eye that he is back to his nonchalant expression. He doesn't say anything else, so Tsukasa doesn't say anything in return.
It's much more uncomfortable than before. The sound of Rui messing with the robot is deafening. A while ago, this same sound was somewhat comforting.
Now it is nothing but awkward, awkward, awkward, awkward, awkward.
He shouldn't have said anything. He's starting to feel like the topic upset Rui. Tsukasa has always been known for having a loud voice, and even right now, where everything is so quiet, he is still the loudest one between the two.
Why isn't Rui saying anything? Did he forget to reply to Tsukasa?
He wants to get out. Now.
Tsukasa abruptly stands up, his head immediately spinning, but he manages to stand on both of his feet. "I'll go now. I have to... Uhm... Finish homework, the teacher asked a lot of us today."
(Rui remembers that Tsukasa always finishes his homework in time. That was a lie.)
Tsukasa grabs his backpack, quickly putting the paper and pen inside, not even batting an eye to look at Rui nor waiting for a response. It's not like it even came in the end, it was something expected.
It's funny how it still hurt.
So he speaks again, a last time, "See you tomorrow, Rui."
"Farewell." The director finally replies. It takes some time for him to peel his eyes away from the robot to look at Tsukasa, and when both of their eyes meet time seemed to stop for a small moment.
There is a hint on Rui's eyes, something telling Tsukasa that Rui has a lot to say and ask, but he keeps silent, probably thinking if he should voice his thoughts or just stay silent. Tsukasa doesn't stop. Now is not the time.
It was never the time.
Tsukasa can faintly hear Rui call his name, but Tsukasa still doesn't stop, doesn't slow his pace. He just sprints out of their part of the park.
He finally leaves. He flees, because he doesn't know how to confront his problems (crush?) in the face.
"Why can't I just look at him in the eye and speak to him normally?!" He says to no one in particular, far away from the park. And it doesn't take too long for him to flinch because that came louder than he expected. The people nearby gave him a worried glance before walking away.
Tsukasa knows why. He always knew why.
(Little does he know that Rui is still sitting on the bench. He was looking to where Tsukasa had left, broken pieces of his heart scattered around him.
A few tears fell on the poor little robot's face, the only witness of his creator's own heartbreak.)
Tsukasa wonders what Saki is doing right now when he arrives home. It would be a great opportunity to spend some time with his sister.
Tsukasa can't help but think that he should've stayed with Rui. How would they be on the next day if he did? Would tomorrow differ greatly or nothing at all?
Tsukasa doesn't recall any serious fights happening between them, and even if it did, they would talk to each other on the next day.
... Well, except one time, as far as Tsukasa can remember. Yes, this one that he is currently thinking about.
It was a wild ride, but Tsukasa is glad that they worked out in the end. Very glad.
Neither of them said anything on the next day, acting as if nothing happened, but it was somehow noticeable because Tsukasa could feel Nene's glare on his back. Tsukasa remembers he always tried to avoid it, and every time Nene was approaching him he would storm to Emu's side, who was completely oblivious.
He also noticed how annoyed Nene was compared to when she arrived to rehearsal and when they were going home that day.
But even so, Tsukasa still couldn't look at Rui in the eye, so he was the first one to leave that time. Tsukasa knew his teammates well enough to know that it was only a matter of time before Nene spoke with Rui and Emu.
And, knowing Emu, she wouldn't let Tsukasa go until he told everyone what was happening. He didn't want to make Emu sad, thank you very much.
Something tells Tsukasa that if he stayed just a little bit close to their stage, Nene would have cornered him. Or something worse.
Was that selfish? Yes. Was it dumb? Yes, 100%.
Was it making his teammates probably rethink the fact(?) that Tsukasa trusted them well enough to talk about his problems?
Hell yes.
But how could young Tsukasa, someone that always had a low ego that was covered by his star persona, the young boy that used to love to play the piano by his own, and dared to forget his dear sister's memories, look at them in the eye and casually tell them that he had a crush on Rui?
Had. Has. Possesses. Carries.
Feels.
A crush. That was making Tsukasa panic more than he should. And was also creating some serious problems.
Tsukasa knows, he knows that he is in the wrong. He knows that he is being an asshole, playing with his troupe's feelings like that, but he is that dumb. He is that selfish.
"It's okay to be selfish sometimes, right? No matter the situation...?" Tsukasa remembers that he whispered to himself as he walked back home, no longer running.
He is tired, so tired, surely it must be fine to be selfish. It's fine, he's fine, it will be fine. He just needs time.
Time for what? To keep running? To keep covering those problems under the rug and then keep going as if nothing is happening?
His thoughts swirled with endless possibilities that this would cause, and almost all of them ended in bad situations. The small, selfish part of him wished that they would simply forget everything ever happened and keep moving on with life.
But it just so happens, that Rui also got hurt. Tsukasa knows.
He knows, knows, and knows, but he doesn't do a damn thing, because he is selfish. He is so selfish and ungrateful. So ungrateful.
He is... What is he? Someone not good, that's for sure.
They... Really deserve better.
Tsukasa really doesn't know what would have happened to him if Emu never invited him to join Wonderland X Showtime. Would he have given up? Would he still be trying to join agencies to see if he could reach where he was now in some other way?
It's his own fault that this is happening.
"Shut up."
What leader is he if he can't even tell someone about a goddamn crush?
"Stop."
Poor Rui... Accepting to join someone so selfish, he should've never joined Tsukasa for the second time, even if Tsukasa made a whole show to make him accept his invitation.
"P-Please stop..."
Tsukasa yelled at Nene when her robot stopped working. Tsukasa wanted to leave Emu just because he saw how shabby her stage was. Tsukasa made Rui sad with his stupid and unasked for topic from yesterday.
And what did they do to Tsukasa? Nothing. Nothing that they didn't have a reason to.
If Tsukasa never said anything, they would be fine. If Tsukasa buried those feelings on the deepest bottles inside his mind, they would be fine. If Tsukasa kept it to himself and learned how to live with it for the rest of his life,
They. Would. Be. Fine.
(No, they wouldn't. But that's what the young and reckless Tsukasa thought back then.)
He was always good at hiding his true feelings, so why was he so weak to Rui? Why was he so vulnerable when Rui spoke such simple things to him but it meant the world for Tsukasa?
Why? Why? Why? Why?
No one answers. Of course.
Suddenly, his phone pings. The sound was muffled between the voices of the people speaking to each other or the sound of their shoes clacking against concrete, but he still heard it. It meant that there was a new notification. Thankfully it breaks (saves him from) his train of thought. Tsukasa blinks, noticing that his hands were covering his ears, and the places where his nails were hurt.
He ignores the pain (and the stares people gave him, once again in the middle of their way) to reach for his pocket, fishing for his phone and quickly unlocking it.
The discord logo is in the notification bar in the upper part of his phone and Tsukasa inwardly dies. He slowly drags his finger down the slightly cracked screen, a glance was enough to prove his fear: it was a message from the group they had.
And it included all four of them. No private messages, no privacy, nothing that the rest wouldn't know, and Tsukasa vaguely thinks that all 3 of them are still in the park. They knew.
Tsukasa doesn't have the guts to know what said message possessed so he just turned his phone off and called it a day, continuing his walk.
The four were so naive back then: young teenagers seeking to create smiles solely because it made them happy, not wanting anything in exchange.
That part of life challenged their most feared things, but they were slowly overcoming each one of them. Always together through the storm when they reached the core of the problem.
It's ironic and very hypocrite how Tsukasa always said that you shouldn't carry your burdens alone back when Emu was the one struggling, confronting her own storm.
Was this how she felt?
Was Rui a burden?
No no no no no no no no no no. Of course not.
Tsukasa blinked, suddenly aware that he's back to his... Their, bedroom. He sighs. It's not a good time to be thinking about such things so late, but he can't help it.
Tsukasa closes his eyes, trying to go back to sleep, but his mind steadily wanders back to what he was thinking about.
And he groans. Unpleasant. Unpleasant memories.
Apparently that wasn't a good choice because a sleepy Rui grumbles, gripping the front of his pajamas tighter and nuzzling his head under Tsukasa's chin, a fond sigh leaving right after.
Tsukasa hugs him back, afraid that if he didn't hold Rui tight enough he would disappear. The fear of Rui waking up to nothing at all no longer passed through Tsukasa's mind. He pressed a small kiss to the top of Rui's head and the smell of the familiar shampoo that Rui always uses immediately flooded his senses.
How did it end? Tsukasa doesn't remember. Not now.
His heart ached thinking about the things that Rui must have thought when he was alone.
Tsukasa closes his eyes, curious to how it ended. He drifts to sleep fully intent to know how the play ends.
He will remember. He has to.
Tsukasa didn't go to rehearsal for the next week.
Tsukasa didn't go to school for the next week.
Tsukasa didn't leave his house for the next week.
Tsukasa didn't dare to open his phone when he was awake. He knew he had to open the phone one day, and so he did. After a few days. It was at late at night when he grabbed his phone. He was sleepy enough to not think straight, and so he opened discord, not having the same mindset that he would have at morning.
He immediately noticed the [31] messages beside the 3 lines in the corner. But first, Tsukasa moved to his status and put is as invisible, just in case.
"Okay," he mumbled, mentally preparing himself to touch the innocent notifications. "Okay." He repeated. It took a good chunk of his ego to touch the group's icon, but he still did nevertheless.
The messages from last week were just messages of Emu calling him. Nene on the other hand @'ed his user. And as expected, no messages from Rui, no DMs, nothing.
Tsukasa didn't allow himself to feel hurt. It's understandable, it's fair and reasonable, but his heart still tightened a bit.
The most recent messages, however, began today, close to everyone's sleeping time.
• nene :
«okay. what the fuck is happening with you.»
• WANDAHOI !! :
«TSUKASA-KUN!!!!;! What happened noooowwww??!???!!!!»
• machines4ever :
«guys, please»
• nene :
«no. i am not going to stay silent anymore. what the fuck is happening with you, tsukasa? what did we do to you?»
«what did you do to rui? what did he do to you? tell me.»
«now.»
• machines4ever :
«nene»
«nene stop»
• WANDAHOI !! :
«NENE!!!! Please calm down!!!! Tsukasa-kun hasn't been coming to school or rehearsal lately, what if something happened to him???»
• nene :
«i don't believe him.»
• machines4ever :
«just leave him be»
«if he wants to talk, let him do it when he wants to»
«we don't know anything, it's not like he tells us anyways»
«there's not much we can do. and forcing him to spit it out certainly won't help.»
• nene :
«.»
• machines4ever :
«...»
• WANDAHOI !! :
«¿»
• nene :
«fine, but let him know that i won't forgive him for what he is doing to us. to rui.»
«i specifically chose this chat to talk with him because i don't want any of us hiding stuff from each other anymore. we've been friends for so long. don't we trust each other?»
«it seems tsukasa has his own problems, though.»
«anyways.»
«good night.»
• WANDAHOI !! :
«Aahhhhhhhhhhhhh»
«I hope Tsukasa-kun talks with us! We're his friends, I'm kind of worried too»
«But good night Nene-chan! Sleep well!!»
• machines4ever :
«night»
. . .
Tsukasa groans, letting the phone go. It made a not so pleasant sound as the phone meets the floor, and Tsukasa pushes it under the bed, not wanting to remember he even possessed such machinery.
Tsukasa buries his head on his pillow, and tears soon start to wet its poor surface.
In a way, the pillow is hugging him. Tsukasa feels sleepy. He cried that night until he did get some rest, the pillow and his blanket were the only things that comforted him.
The moon, with its ever so gently light, covered Tsukasa's room. But how could it? It's so far away in the sky.
And so did the sun, but it was hiding now and the sky was lacking its light. The sun is much more far away than the moon is.
Tsukasa dislikes the moon for being right in front of his window, visible. And the stars? He can't even say anything about them.
After all, he was one, wasn't he?
But Tsukasa hates the sun the most, who is hiding far away from the moon, selfishly hiding its own light.
This logic doesn't make the least bit of sense, but for Tsukasa it couldn't be more clear.
After all, the moon and the stars can't stay together with the sun in the sky, for the stars are hidden due to the sun's blinding light and the moon is the one who flees instead.
Tsukasa wakes up to the sound of his door opening.
Tsukasa can't gather the energy to look, so he doesn't. He just listens. Because that's all he's been doing lately.
"Brother?"
Tsukasa doesn't reply and curls into a ball, hiding under his blankets.
It reminds him of the times he used to play hide and seek with Saki when both of them were young. They're older now, and it's so nostalgic.
He heard the door gently closing, and then footsteps approached. It was silent for a moment before a hand slowly touched right where the top of his head was, as if trying to calm down a frightened dog.
"Brother." Saki says, a tinge of pleading laced in her words.
Tsukasa hums.
"I'm worried."
Of course.
He made even Saki worried with his stupid problems and his stupid thinking.
"My head is in the clouds, Saki." He says, not caring at this point. She is his sister, she knows Tsukasa better than anyone else.
"Is it?"
"It is."
"Why?"
"I don't know, Saki. I used to know, but now I don't," he fiddles with his fingers, a lump now in his throat. He swallows. Not yet. "I'm so forgetful, Saki. I forgot about your plushie, I forgot most of our memories of when we were kids, including the time you were in the hospital. I forgot our tattered dolls' meaning back at the doll festival, and I ended up buying new ones. You got upset. And I didn't know why. So we got angry at each other and fought."
Tsukasa was silent, and Saki was too, so he took it as a sign to continue.
"I messed up, Saki. I ran away again. I forgot," he swallows again, it's getting harder and harder to hold it in. "Rui is sad, Nene is angry and Emu is worried, Saki. I don't know what to do. I'm such a coward."
Saki grabbed the place where the her hand was in the blanket and pulled, revealing a sobbing Tsukasa. He didn't even look at her, looking instead to the window. The place where the moon was, but what he found instead is the sun.
"You know," she says. "Everyone has their weak times. I don't know what happened but you've been strong, brother. It's okay to be weak every once in a while, specially now."
Tsukasa bit his lip to hold his crying, even if he was vulnerable. Even if Saki saw right through him.
Even so, he still avoided eye contact because he was that guilty.
"But you have to talk with them. You can't stay locked in your room forever, you know?" Saki laughs, probably thinking of Tsukasa living the rest of his life locked inside his room. It wasn't something funny, but she still did.
"How?"
"Hmm... You could begin by attending school tomorrow and talk with everyone. Toya would probably storm right towards you if he saw you're back to school, attending classes."
Saki laughs again, and this time Tsukasa does too. A few stray tears fall from his eyes, but he wipes them with his sleeve. More come out, but he continues.
"H-He would." Tsukasa is still looking away, hiding his tears.
"He would," Saki completes. "He would."
And then she moves forward, wrapping her arms around Tsukasa to a comforting hug. He immediately hugs back, not thinking two times before wetting the shoulder of Saki's favorite sweater.
Saki doesn't say anything. She just sits there, patting his back and comforting Tsukasa as he cries.
It was good. It was enough. And Tsukasa was going to school tomorrow.
Tsukasa is tired of running away.
"Thank you."
"No problem! I'm glad you're feeling better."
Saki waits for a moment before speaking once again, her hand on Tsukasa's back not stopping. "Are you hungry? Mom made your favorite."
"Yeah."
It wasn't easy.
In Tsukasa's defense, he just had a mental breakdown the other day. Period.
Tsukasa made sure to run inside the school as soon as the gates opened. He did a sprint towards his classroom. He wasn't ready to face Rui or Toya or Akito (did he even care about Tsukasa) or anyone else that he knows yet.
Keyword: Yet.
Rui had to pass through Tsukasa's classroom before reaching his own, so Tsukasa took the first book he found inside his backpack and shoved his face to hide.
Had it been any other day, Tsukasa would think the contents inside the science book were boring, but unfortunately it is the only thing keeping him entertained right now.
People came over to ask him how he was, if everything was okay, and sometimes to say that he lost a lot.
Tsukasa doesn't doubt it. If he misses one day, it's already a lot for him.
He thanks Saki once again for saving his life. Her makeup was helpful for hiding the (slight) eyebags he had from the past nights. Thanks for it, he can look at his classmates in the eye with no fear of being caught.
Until he sees a small blob of purple in the back.
Rui.
Rui itself seemed normal, but Tsukasa knew better than to just glance at Rui and immediately say that he's normal.
From where Tsukasa is, he can see how Rui is more slouched over than what he is used to. The man is 180cm.
As fast as Rui appears he disappears, no longer in sight. Tsukasa pushed his thoughts aside, already tearing a piece of his notebook's page and begining to write a small note for Rui.
After school. He will settle everything after school.
Meet me in the rooftop, where we always eat lunch together.
Please.
Tsukasa ☆
The star makes the note better, so Tsukasa decides to add a winky face beside it too.
The star's lines are more shaky and than they were supposed to be. If someone else looked at it they would say that it was anything but a star, but Rui knows Tsukasa better than he himself does.
Tsukasa looks at both sides of the corridor filled with students before sneaking to Rui's locker.
He puts the note inside and goes back to his seat, opening his bag and taking a single apple. Tsukasa wasn't hungry, so he just brought that today.
Tsukasa never stayed on class when it was lunchtime, but man is it silent, unlike the rooftop. It's a good place to think.
He couldn't focus on the rest of the classes, and the apple only had one mark bite, the rest untouched as it falls inside the trash can.
"... Did I put the note in the right locker?"
He asks himself, watching from the rooftop as the students left the school to go to their own home.
Tsukasa frowned, worry seeping through his features. Did Rui not come because he didn't want to meet him? Tsukasa doesn't doubt it.
But he tried. He did.
Tsukasa vaguely begins to think that it was stupid to add the star and the winky face, and how he didn't try to look for Toya, but he can always meet his kouhai tomorrow. There is always tomorrow.
The sounds of someone going up the stairs in a hurry can be faintly heard, but it gets louder and louder as the individual comes closer.
The door opens with a slam and Tsukasa flinches, immediately turning around to find an out of breath Rui with one hand in the handle and the other tightly gripping his shirt.
Tsukasa doesn't say anything, even if he was the one who called Rui. He stands there, waiting for Rui to catch his breath.
Tsukasa never saw Rui this desperate, and Tsukasa never saw himself this nervous.
Everything has a first time, he supposes.
"Rui."
Rui's head snaps up, looking straight into Tsukasa's eyes, and oh how did he miss looking at those yellow eyes-
Ahem.
Rui doesn't reply, so Tsukasa tries again.
"Rui." "Tsukasa." Both of them blink, having said each other's name at the same time.
And silent falls upon them again. What do you tell someone that you basically had a crush on and then proceeded to not interact with for the last week? Tsukasa had no idea, and apparently nor did Rui.
They didn't know what love meant last time, but Tsukasa thinks he knows now, as he watches Rui straighten his back and adjust his hair, a rebel strand or two immediately falling out of place.
Maybe he always knew, but was too afraid to admit.
Now that Tsukasa can see Rui up close, he notices that Rui has eyebags under his eyes, and his heart clenches, the warmth from before no longer present.
"I'm sorry." Tsukasa says.
Rui stares. He opens his mouth to say something but Tsukasa beats him to it, intent on completing his speech before Rui can say a single word.
"I was really unfair when I left everyone in the dark. Unfair isn't the right word, maybe, but rather selfish. A bad leader." Tsukasa shakes his head, memories from the text messages flooding his head. "I was awful. An idiot. Someone that didn't consider your feelings."
Tsukasa's grip around his bag gets tighter and tears threatening to spill out once again as he continues. His voice falters in the end, but he has to say this. He came this far. It's too late to back out now.
The time has come. Tsukasa takes a deep breath.
"Guess what, Rui? When I asked you about what love meant and you explained, I thought about you. About your inventions, your smiles, the way you always so perfectly stayed in character when we are making a show or even the times you point everyone's flaws, the hilarious way you hate vegetables... Even your stupid teasing. " Tsukasa sobs, and it becomes too much. He's ashamed for saying these things aloud. What if Rui doesn't feel the same? What if he just laughs and shrugs it off as anything else?
What if he doesn't forgive Tsukasa?
At some point Rui had closed the door and just stood there, listening to what Tsukasa had to say. He was so close but so far at the same time.
"It was you, Rui," Tsukasa pushes those four words out with more force than he should have. Maybe it was because he felt like coughing out this growing need to cry or the fear of literally any outcome. "It was always you. But I messed it up, again."
Tsukasa pauses, rereading the imaginary speech he had written in his head and making sure nothing was left unsaid.
"...I understand if you, or everyone, wants me to leave the troupe. I understand because I also did this mistake with Nene. I wasn't thinking back then, and I wasn't thinking properly again last week. I'm sorry. I'm very sorry. I hope that y-you..."
"Tsukasa, it's okay."
Honorifics set aside, Rui approaches Tsukasa, and Tsukasa's eyes slightly widened.
"Are you sure...?"
Rui nods. "I am. We are." He reaches his hand out gently, brushing Tsukasa's bangs that were previously mostly covering the star's eyes. "It's okay, Tsukasa. I forgive you."
Tsukasa is completely taken aback. It must've been completely obvious in his face, because Rui giggles and suddenly hugs him.
It's warm. Very warm. Tsukasa flinches at first but he soon melts, hesitantly wrapping his own around Rui's shoulders.
"I'm just glad I got my leader back," Rui says, probably unaware of what he just said. Tsukasa gets more warm inside than he already was. "We welcome you back, Tsukasa. No one can replace you, not that we would ever try." He huffs.
"Your... Appearance doesn't really help." Tsukasa mumbles, his voice weak. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Tsukasa slides his hand up, touching Rui's hair. Before he knows it he is already caressing the other's head.
He feels like crying again, the partial shock already going away and relief replacing whatever he was feeling before.
Tsukasa gulps it down. When did he become such a crybaby?
"We both overreacted." That's all Rui says before he pulls away. Tsukasa lets out a little sound of protest. "I like you too, Tsukasa."
This is it. Tsukasa is going to die because of a certain purple haired director that just said 3 simple words, but they meant the whole world to Tsukasa.
It falls again, the tears. Tsukasa can't stop them.
He's so happy. So, so much.
Rui smiles, catching and wiping each one of them. "Don't cry."
"Those are happy tears, I-I swear.." He hiccups, leaning into Rui's touch.
It certainly won't be easy to talk with everyone, but he will try. He will do it, because Rui will be right beside him.
The sun is already going down, and it won't take long until the moon appears and the sun flees again. Tsukasa boldly assumes the sun is a coward, and that he shouldn't always escape on the first chance it gets. But it's not like he should, because he himself struggled to find his own courage.
Maybe, just maybe, as both of them are standing in the middle of the rooftop, the sun and the moon can be together after all. Because Rui is standing right in front of Tsukasa.
"I think that moon looks very beautiful." Tsukasa blurts out as they're closing the door, already begining to descend the stairs to make their way to the gates.
Rui hums, tightening his grip around Tsukasa's hand as they make a turn. "I think it's interesting how it needs the sun's light so that it can have it's own."
"Ah... Getting metaphorical now, are we?"
Rui laughs, loud enough that it echoes through the empty staircase. Tsukasa doesn't remember the last time he saw Rui laugh this much. Maybe he never did.
"That's just how it is, my sun~"
Tsukasa blushes. He won't forget this view, won't dare to forget it. It will be forever treasured on his mind.
The moon and the sun, huh. What a peculiar match.
(Tsukasa sleepily smiles, once again able to recall the end of their peculiar tale. Giving one last kiss to Rui's forehead, he joins his lover on dreamland. Tsukasa dreams that all four of them are back on their old, shabby stage one last time.
He also dreams about Rui's smile.)