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the seventeen members usually slipped into little space to relieve stress but jeonghan used his caregiving experience as a stress relief. hence why he was more of a caregiver than little. although jeonghan prefered being a caregiver, he still slipped into little space a couple times each year.
seungcheol, being the "dad" of the group checked for members who haven't been slipping on the calendar. he nodded his head, seeing as each member had slipped within the past month. he came across jeonghan who was signed off three times by joshua, once by seungcheol and once by mingyu.
seungcheol frowned, it wasn't usual that jeonghan would slip into headspace more than once a month. seungcheol understood it was nearing to comeback but even so, five times was a lot for jeonghan.
he made a mental note to talk to jeonghan about his stress levels later as seungcheol knew how bad it could get for jeonghan.
meanwhile jeonghan was sucking at his thumb, on the verge of headspace again, a phone on the floor in front of him with twitter open. the boy started to get fidgety, his hands shaking and flailing around at frustration, sadness, everything being bottled up.
he wants to talk about it with someone but he's scared. will they think he's weak? will they kick him out of the group?
jeonghan buried his head between his knees as he began to inhale heavily. not a good sign.
i'm sure he annoys the fuck out of the whole team #jeonghanout
i dont even know why he's in seventeen #jeonghanout
what's so good about jeonghan? #jeonghanout
jeonghan stans are delulu #jeonghanout
why does jeonghan always cheat? probably cheated to get into seventeen #jeonghanout
i see what seungkwan means when jeonghan always clears his throat. so not professional. it's disgusting #jeonghanout
weak dancer #jeonghanout
he gets everything he wants #jeonghanout
too much.
it was too much for jeonghan.
tears welled up in his eyes again, a whimper left his mouth. he grabbed for his hairs, pulling at it.
he wants to be hugged, cuddled and told that he would be okay but there wasn't any warmth on the cold bathroom floor, only dirtiness and disgust, just like how the fans saw him.
you're nothing to the group
it's not hard to leave the group.
nobody wants you here.
"save me," jeonghan let out with another sob.
his breathing was crazy, continuously crying out in despair. do carats really think of him like this? what did he ever do? jeonghan kept thinking about the comments, the two questions swirling in his mind as if that's all that was left.
jeonghan tried so much. he tried being more quiet 'this is why he doesn't deserve to be in the group, he's doing nothing.'
he's tried being kinder to the other members 'look at him acting so fake'
he's even tried to change his whole personality 'what is he trying to do. always getting in front of the members.'
it was about time he broke. he felt like he was going insane. the world was spinning. nobody was helping. they were all... gone. what would he do without carats? he's tried everything yet nothing is enough.
his emotions welled through him, heart beating too fast, skipping beats every now and then making jeonghan flinch in an uncomfortable movement.
jeonghan choked on his sobs, his cries for help getting louder per second until the world became fuzzy. his head spun from the frequent stress he was going through these days.
his hands shook, though he couldn't feel much because everything became numb.
he started to slip between life and reality as his vision went from coloured to dark.
"help," he let out a soft cry again.
joshua had just come back from his individual schedules. he'd been worrying about jeonghan for a while now.
in the past month, jeonghan had slipped into his headspace three times with joshua and if anything, it was more like once every three months. this was the complete opposite.
the other members were either doing their own thing or out with their idol friends.
joshua was passing by the bathroom to go to his room when he heard a soft cry and a choke.
his caregiver senses cam out, gently knocking on the door, asking in a soft voice, "can i come in?"
joshua heard soft whines and words. pressing his head closer to the door the words became more clear, "there's nothing left. there's nothing left. there's nothing left. there's nothing left. there's nothing left. there's nothing left. there's nothing left. there's nothing left. there's nothing left. there's nothing left. there's nothing left. there's nothing left."
each time, getting faster and faster.
joshua easily recognised the voice as jeonghan's, "hannie, can i come in?"
still repeating the same words over and over again.
"you'll be okay baby," joshua repeated, hoping jeonghan could hear him above the repetitive whispers coming from jeonghan that seemed to get quieter as he ran out of breaths.
"breathe for me please breathe for me baby," joshua said in despair as he looked through the drawers next to the bathroom for the emergency keys.
joshua opened the door hastily closing it before rushing over to jeonghan who seemed to be on the verge of a panic attack.
"jeonghan-ah, can i hold you?" joshua asked in a calming voice.
at the easily recognisable honey like voice, jeonghan nodded aggressively.
"oh you poor baby. it must've been so hard for you. do you think you can breathe with me? you're doing so great and shua and the others are extremely proud of you hannie," joshua said, whispering sweets in jeonghan's ear.
jeonghan rested on joshua's shoulder, his heavy head drooping towards the ground, the other boy rubbing jeonghan's back as he breathed in and out in exhaustion.
joshua looked onto the ground next to him, his eyes welling up as he saw the possible reason why jeonghan was having such troubles recently.
usually jeonghan was very good at not looking at hate, due to the fact he wanted to stay strong for all the members but even the other members realised the amount of unnecessary hate their hyung was getting recently.
joshua read the screen carefully, seeing just a few comments but feeling his heart break.
the boy came back to reality after he heard soft breathing from jeonghan's pale lips.
as joshua placed jeonghan on the mattress, he got his phone out, resting next to the peaceful body on his left. he saw many enquiries on the group chat regarding jeonghan.
despite being locked in the bathroom, the members must've still heard the tiny whimpers from outside as they passed by the door, after all, the house was not so audio proof unlike woozi's studio.
is jeonghan alright? he's been different recently
i've been thinking that too
i think i heard him crying in the bathroom
??
jeonghan is okay, he's just been going through a lot, i'll update later. he's asleep.
--
the next morning, jeonghan woke up feeling soft all over. fluffy blankets as well as his favorite stuffed toys next to him. he felt something around his waist. realising it was joshua's arm, he sat up in panic.
his chest became pained for a second, shaking his hands to try and calm himself down at the new feeling. what had happened last night?
before his vision became blurred, he felt the bed shift and joshua engulfing him in a hug.
"focus on your breathing for now, we can speak later."
despite cheating all the time, jeonghan was very truthful behind the cameras. he was usually very open about his feelings and mistreatment from the fans or company. knowing jeonghan, joshua knew jeonghan would want to open up later and refrain from bottling it all up.
"i-i'm alright now," jeonghan said in a shaky, raw voice.
"do you feel like falling into headspace again? i dont mind taking care of you again," joshua offered.
"maybe but after we speak. i cant stand this feeling."
joshua nodded empathetically, knowing exactly how jeonghan was feeling.
taking a big breath jeonghan spoke, "it's just everything has been a lot recently. there's so much stress and there's so much burden and hardships behind the scenes of an idol. i feel like it's my job to take care of all of you but then some fans say that im always acting, that im fake and now all im known for is cheating even though you know thats not who i am. its apart of my personality, yes, but i dont want to be known for just cheating. i dont want to be known to be known as a burden or someone who only made it into the group because i 'cheated-my-way-in'. so when people call me a burden it hurts because i put that on myself even though i shouldnt. i have an instant feeling to always protect the members and then i forget about myself. at our last concert my condition was getting worse and worse so i try even harder but that only pushes me away from the group. i try to feel like im something but other peoples thoughts just overtake mine i guess," jeonghan ranted out.
"oh hannie. you know youre not a burden to everyone. its okay to slip sometimes and you dont always have to take care of the other members. what other people think about you doesnt matter. you should be confident because nobody in this team has more of an angelic voice than you. nobody can ever replace or take your spot jeonghan. without you we wouldnt be seventeen. if you ever need to talk, don't keep it in. feel free to talk to any of the members. if you need to take a break, take a break. if you want help we can get you help. if you need to be reassured we'll reassure and spoil you. we want to you to feel happiness. so jeonghan, what do you want to do?"
"i-i think i'll be okay. ive just been a little sensitive recently. i guess i just need a lot of support at the moment. ill tell you if things get too much, thank you so much for always being there for me," jeonghan smiled, wiping a glassy bead that slipped from his sparkly eyes.
"of course my hannie. im so proud of you," joshua said cuddling right up to jeonghan, shoulders pressing together which made jeonghan immediately slip into his calming headspace.
joshua picked up some of jeonghan's toys, wanting to spoil the other boy.
the male waved around some toys, roleplayed and drew with jeonghan all day, making sure to whisper lots of praises into jeonghan's ear making his soft cheeks heat up each time.
"baba bake bwonies with hannie?" jeonghan asked excitedly in his headspace of just four years old.
"of course baby!" joshua exclaimed, picking up the boy and spinning him around in circles making him burst into a fit of giggles.
jeonghan mixed the ingredients in a large, glass bowl filled with the chocolaty mixture. meanwhile, joshua was carefully looking over jeonghan's shoulder while quickly texting the other members an update on the boy in headspace.
shua: jeonghan has been slipping recently due to hate comments.
soonie: oh gosh. i feel so bad for not realising until now.
kwan: is there anything we can do?
tree: what does he want to do?
shua: he's doing alright now. he said he wants to continue and he has been feeling sensitive recently, let's make sure to praise him lots.
minnie: phew. im glad he's somewhat doing better now but let's all spoil him.
"look dada!!" jeonghan exclaimed, holding up his bowl proudly, "am done!"
"woah! you did such a great job honey!" joshua said as he did the final bits of stirring where the dry mixture was not mixed with the wet, "i'll put it in the oven now and we can come back in 30 minutes to eat."
jeonghan giggled as he danced to the music playing from the speakers on the table. he was now livid and euphoric. joshua smiled, happy to see the boy like this for the first time in the past 3 months.
jeonghan pulled his papa's hand to come join the dance party. joshua heartily laughed before dancing around the table with the little. soon enough, 30 minutes had passed, the speakers had called out that the 30 minute timer was up and joshua went to go get the brownies, "baby don't come near it's hot."
jeonghan pouted, wanting to eat the brownies already but stayed in his chair.
"what a good boy," joshua said as he placed the tray of brownies onto the table, "let me call the members."
just as joshua said that, some of the members came out of their rooms, smelling the waft of chocolate sweets in the open air.
"oooh who made this?" a voice coming from the door asked.
"gyu!!!" jeonghan exclaimed running into the younger caregiver with open arms.
"let's go sit down and enjoy some of your delicious brownies, shall we?"
jeonghan smiled, holding onto mingyu's fingers, leading him into the kitchen.
"what about seungkwanie. isn't seungkwan your favorite caregiver?" seungkwan pouted, waving his arms about for jeonghan's attention.
"no! bubby!" jeonghan said in a cute, angelic voice, running over to his main caregiver, joshua, making the boy laugh.
"double kill," mingyu said with an overdramatic voice, collapsing to the floor as if he got stabbed.
"nuuu, gyu!" jeonghan wailed from across the room making minghao put his hands to his ears jokingly.
"hannie save gyu by giving him love," joshua joked, playing along.
jeonghan kissed mingyu's cheek, making the younger boy sit up, "gyu is alive again!"
"how about seungkwan?" the boy still nagged.
"hmmm, no," jeonghan said, giggling cheekily, causing seungkwan to pout, "just joking, hannie loves kwan papa!"
jeonghan wobbled his way over to the brown-haired boy, engulfing him in the warmest hug. the other members cooed at the cute action.
everyone sat at the dining table, eating jeonghan's treats.
"this is delicious hannie! you did such a good job and we're all so proud of you," minghao said, crumbles of brownies on his lips.
"hannie loves minghao baba," jeonghan said, blowing a kiss to minghao who acted overdramatically at the small action.
jeonghan was highly praised for his amazing brownies and was spoilt with lots of attention by his caregivers.
cheol: come over to the second floor, jeonghan's brownies are so good.
soonie: you didn't wait for me?!
workaholic: stop complaining and get over here soonyoung. i can see you pouting through the screen.
soonie: jihoon how do you know everything about me.
cheol: because yall are soulmates now get your asses over here.
soonie: fine seungcheol hyunggg.