Chapter Text
it was going to be a long day.
the members of seventeen had a busy schedule today. starting with a group photoshoot, then an interview before dance practise until late that night.
seokmin considered himself lucky for today as some members had even busier schedules.
seokmin sighed as he looked out the window. usually the car would be loud and filled with noise but he was alone. the other members of the vocal team had excused themselves to fit in the other vans after what happened this morning.
***
seokmin opened his eyes to meet an angry lee jihoon. seokmin knows that as soon as the lee jihoon is shaking him to wake up he's definitely slept on and he was definitely in deep shit.
"I've been shaking you for the past few minutes and only now you want to wake up. what's wrong with you you're not usually like this. you completely ignored seungcheol. do you realise how rude that is?"
seokmin's eyes couldn't open. heavy and droopy.
"seokmin I've already told you once to wake the fuck up! you're making everyone late and you're ruining our reputation. if we keep coming late to photoshoots do you think they would ask us to come again?!" jihoon asked, starting to get irritated as he pulled his strands of hair.
seokmin felt small under the loud noises. darkness. he tried. he really did. he never meant to be a burden to the members yet he couldn't seem to open his eyes. a some task, you would think.
but this could only mean one thing. he was falling into headspace. because lee seokmin was never late. even the other members knew that. maybe they had forgotten?
seokmin could hear jihoon stomp out of the room and suddenly seokmin's body was unfrozen.
scared, intimidated.
his frail legs wobbled and shook violently as he attempted to get out of the comfort of his bed, trodding to the bathroom.
his eyes started to water, his heart clenched, his whole body trembled like a leaf.
a loud bang on the bathroom door as seokmin flinched away from the handle, backing up into the corner feeling intimidated.
seokmin's breaths picked up a bit before clenching his hands so hard that his pointy fingernails left moon crescents into his soft palms.
no words before footsteps were heard going out of the dorm. seokmin let out a sigh of relief before he put his hand to his heart. it was beating fast. too fast. a tear slipped down from seokmin's eye from pure shock. he was never one that liked loud noises.
the manager notified seokmin that the other members were already at the photoshoot and that's how he was there. sitting alone in the van.
***
"manager-nim where are we going. this is not the way?" seokmin asked confused, trying to push away his lisp.
"oh, did the other manager not tell you? almost all the other members have finished their shoots so we'll be meeting at the interview. you'll be doing your solo shoot tonight and we'll write a statement about your absence from the group photos later as we don't have time to reshoot group photos."
"o-oh okay."
burden.
it was all his fault that he messed everything up.
it was his fault they took the group photos without him right?
was it possible that they didn't want him on the team?
did they not love him anymore?
seokmin curled in on himself, secretly touching the fur on his teddy that he kept deep in his bag for emergencies.
***
seokmin was sitting on the sofa chair as the make up noonas got to work. the other seventeen members just arrived as they chatted away. they seemed to be laughing and giggling until they saw seokmin.
seokmin looked away, too scared to face his brothers.
throughout the whole interview seokmin was nervous. on edge. walking on egg shells. one wrong move and he'd receive a glare from wonwoo and seokmin knows that wonwoo rarely gets angry.
seokmin was the mood maker of the group so it was understandable that during break the producers came up to him and asked him to speak more.
seokmin was hesitant. conflicted. he didn't want the fans to worry about him but at the same time he didn't want to make the members madder.
the boy avoided eye contact the whole interview, looking down at his black, ripped jeans and picking at the material. he felt distracted, lost, dissociated in his thoughts as he spaced out, staring at the ground, thinking of the softness of his plush, eating small gummies that his caregivers would feed him, walking slowly in the middle of jeonghan and seungkwan as he held their pinky fingers, missing the way joshua would coo over him, the way seungcheol would pick him up and spin him around, the way jun and minghao would gently put him to bed, the way wonwoo would give him bubble baths, the way soonyoung and jihoon would take him to the park, the way mingyu would let seokmin help him grocery shop, the way the maknae line would play fun games with him.
he wiped his sweaty hands against his pants, his leg shook as he bounced it, his heart raced, now being able to hear the loud beats. thump, thump, thump, thump. his throat became dry from gulping, his breathing became faster as he prayed for the interview to end soon, pressing his fingernails into his ripped jeans unknowingly.
as the interview ended, he watched as some of the members have him glares while they exited the room. the boy attempted to walk over to his shua hyung but shua walked away to talk to vernon in english. seokmin further walked to his beloved chinese line members, jun and hao but as soon as he came over they started speaking in chinese. seokmin then walked over to mingyu and wonwoo but as soon as he came over they stopped talking and started whispering. seokmin went over to jihoon and soonyoung hoping the younger was not mad still but as soon as he walked over he felt neglected and left out as they stopped laughing and sat there with expressionless faces. seokmin felt jealous as he watched seungcheol and jeonghan treating the maknae like a baby. i mean, of course they would. chan was the real baby after all.
seokmin rushed to the bathroom as he felt his heart clench and his throat tightening up. he gripped tighter at his wrists to the point they left whitish bits of dead skin on the top layer of his arm, small dents created underneath his clear skin.
seokmin's thoughts were going wild. you deserve this. you made all the members mad after all. you can't even wake up on the most important day. you were so selfish for thinking you're the only one who needs to slip into headspace.
no! no! seokmin tried to fighting his thoughts but everything was a mess. the boy started to come into realization as he started feeling slightly numb and realising there was something wrong. he grasped at his throat, his other hand wandering into his pocket to try and call someone. until he remembered. they would not pick up. but this was an emergency. he was starting to feel even more numb, finding it harder to breathe as he snapped his fingers in panic, quickly running his fingers over his phone ad pressing the first contact number, not being able to see anything due to the spots and blurriness in his eyes.
"h-hello," seokmin choked out.
"seokmin-ah?! what's wrong?!" the person seokmin couldn't recognise, picked up the phone.
"s-second floor, b-bathroom, near m-make up room" seokmin assumed it was a hyung, "come quick h-hyungie. p-please."
"don't hang up min. i'm almost there," the person said.
the phone suddenly hung up as he heard footsteps come into the bathroom.
"seokmin?! can you please open the door for me buddy? you can do this, you'll be okay."
seokmin thought for a second before crawling towards the lock and slowly unlocking the door before collapsing to the floor again.
he didn't know whether he regretted this decision or not as he hid his face between his knees as he sat curled up. but seokmin did know that he felt so overwhelmed to the point he felt like he was tipping over the edge.
"min-ah, what happened?" the person came up to him, embracing him tightly.
seokmin looked up, recognising the man as his manager. seokmin pointed to his throat, trying to let out a sound but not being able to.
"are you choking??" the manager asked, trying to stay calm.
seokmin shook his head, he knew there was something wrong with his throat but he doesn't recall swallowing anything.
the manager touched seokmin's chest area, feeling for a heart beat. according to how fast the beats were thumping, the way seokmin's breathing was so rapid and the state the poor boy was in, the manager suspected it was a panic attack.
tightly holding onto seokmin's hand, he told the boy, "minnie, i need you to breathe with me. i think you're having a panic attack."
seokmin closed his eyes as he tried to follow the manager's breathing. luckily his panic attack wasn't too bad by that time as he started to slowly calm down. it took him a few minutes in total before his heart rate was slowly going back to normal. the manager brought seokmin into another hug, the younger feeling like bursting into tears again but he didn't.
"did something happen with the members? what happened? i've never seen you so upset."
"n-no there's nothing wrong with the members i-i'm just bad," seokmin said, saying the last word extra quietly.
"huh? i didn't hear the last word. could you please repeat that again?"
"d-don't worry about me hyung, i'm doing okay. i-it's just a one time thing. must've been feeling really stress today," seokmin said as he plastered a smile on his face and let out a giggle.
but the manager knew seokmin for too long. that smile was no good. and the manager knew that day that there was definitely something wrong with seokmin.
"one more thing," seokmin started, "please don't tell the other members."
"b-but-" the manager started. he wanted to protect the younger boy at all costs.
"i don't want them to worry more about me," seokmin said, still with a smile too fake on his face as he went over to the mirror, touching up his make-up and hair before placing concealer somewhere on his arm. the manager questioned it but left the boy alone.
seokmin left the bathroom alone after thanking his manager. seokmin was too happy, too pure and too innocent. his manager never expected the boy to be in such bad condition. although seokmin was sensitive and had a negative mindset, he was one of the happier members and the other members would always reassure to seokmin that he's good enough.
the manager was left there, questioning what to do and feeling concerned about seokmin's wellbeing, wanting to tell his other members but at the same time he didn't want to lose the youngers trust. but at the same time, telling someone could be for the better, but what if it had to do with the other members. seventeen always sorted out fights. the one lasting longest was the one between hansol and seungkwan which lasted about a month and that was torture for their manager to watch but he knew not interfering and letting them sort their stuff out was beneficial for everyone.
as seokmin entered the room, he could hear them laughing and imitating a pouting coups about how he always complains about everything.
seokmin felt a hand on his shoulder, "is everything okay?"
he looked behind, one of the stylist noonas.
seokmin nodded and thanked the noona for checking up on him.
and again, he found himself sitting in the black van. alone.
not alone. 3 people. the manager nim who was driving him, himself and that one person sitting next to him that kept giving him ugly, daring looks. there was an awkward silence and tension in the car after the manager had watched him break down in the bathroom. suddenly the third man spoke.
the man whispered in his ear, "none of the members like you anymore. watch. didn't you see how they all left you here alone. they're right because you don't deserve them anyways. you're always behind them even in singing. you're so snobby that you forget that there are others way better than you in the team. even soonyoung could probably outsing you and he majors in dance. and have you heard yourself rap?! I'm sure the members are deaf by now. they're always nice to you and faking their lovely words to you. do you realliy think you're all that? you don't even add anything to the team. seungkwan beats you in vocals, everyone can outrap you and you're not even that good of a dancer. you think you're all sunshine and shit but don't you think the members get sick of it after a while? they probably want to throw up behind your back but they can't tell you because they're way too nice. you don't even have any value to the team anyways. can't produce songs like jihoon, lead the team like seungcheol, make amazing choreographies like chan and soonyoung, be as handsome like wonwoo and mingyu, be as funny as seungkwan and jun, be as innocent as jeonghan and minghao, be able to communicate to international fans like joshua and vernon. leave the team. leave the team. leave the team!"
the last sentence chanted in seokmin's head as he tried to stop his tears from pouring down his cheeks. all his confidence that he built up for the past 7 years all came crashing down.
is it true?
do they really think that?
they're right, aren't they?
it's not like I bring anything to the team.
am i really that bad?
seokmin was feeling soft and numb all over. he wanted to be taken care of but he knew that moment was not coming anytime soon. he looked out the window with pouty lips, wondering when they would arrive and when that boy who was sitting next to him's words would leave as it continued throughout the whole ride.
***
usually seokmin was great during dance. the members often praised him but not today. he didn't deserve their words, not even the fake spells that came out of their mouth that made seokmin feel so much better about himself.
seokmin couldn't move his limbs to the beat. every time he'd turn he was either too late or too early. he couldn't help the fact he kept tripping overhimself.
pants. too nervous. cannot breathe. seokmin asked to take a drink break. he noticed someone rolling their eyes but his vision was too blurry to recognise.
sick. seokmin felt too nauseous. the whole room was spinning. sick. sick. sick. when was the last time he had even eaten? why did everything feel so dizzy all of a sudden.
nonstop dance. he couldn't stop making mistakes. the members took it in turns shouting at him.
"you're not trying hard enough."
"do you really want this?"
"we're all tired."
"stop being selfish."
"it's not that hard."
"you should work harder. instead of joking around all day."
"being a mood maker doesn't add much to them team you realise that, right?"
"your vocals are good but your dancing lacks by far."
ouch. seokmin feels his insecurities grow throughout his body. he'd always been slightly more sensitive and the members knew that so when they said that, seokmin knew they were truly angered by his behavior.
"i-ill try harder," seokmin simply said, trying to hide his lisp.
at this point seokmin was gone. gone but not gone. the words made him slip into an older headspace luckily.
frustrated with himself, seokmin hit his head. why can't I do this? he asked himself.
they kept dancing but everytime they stopped because of seokmin's slip ups.
again, again, again and again.
"let's take 5," seungkwan said as he could tell seungcheol, soonyoung and jihoon were starting to lose their temper and seokmin was practically shaking like a leaf on a windy day. the 98 liner wanted to go over and ask seokmin is he was okay but he watched in shock as the boy went over to soonyoung.
"h-hyung. i feel like slippi-" seokmin said, getting cut off by the older boy.
it was always a rule to tell caregivers if you feel like slipping so seokmin gave all of his last bits of courage to go talk to soonyoung.
"seokmin i, as well as all the other members don't have time for your slip ups so suck it up for once and stop acting like a baby. the members are tired of you acting like one after all the times we've taken care of you and you giving back absolutely nothing. grow up and start thinking about your dongsaengs. they're tired too."
seokmin internally gasped. never had soonyoung talked to him like that. they were best friends after all, "o-okay hyung," he said as he bit his lip so hard to prevent a tear from slipping from his eye. the boy had been biting his lip so hard without realising to the point blood started running down his lip and chin.
quickly he excused himself to go to the bathroom, wiping up the blood that continuously poured down from his lips. it seemed endless. seokmin felt his heart clenching for the nth time that day. never had he experienced so many panic attacks in one day except for pre-debut and a few times after debut when he felt like he wasn't good enough. but even those times it was never this bad.
seokmin felt neglected. was he really that bad?
seokmin pushed away all his thoughts as he ran back to the practice room before the other members got even madder.
"took him long enough," seokmin heard chan mutter as he did a small bow.
a couple more retries but seokmin couldn't get any of the words out of his head which only caused him more pressure. he felt as if everybody was watching him. again, again, again, mistakes kept occurring all because of seokmin. after all, it was hard to control the body of an adult when you're feeling so small and soft.
all of a sudden, that was the end, a shout.
"SEOKMIN! DO YOU REALISE HOW MANY TIMES YOU HAVE SLIPPED UP TODAY? ONE TOO MANY. WE ARE TIRED. WE WANT TO GO HOME. SOME OF US EVEN HAD LONGER SCHEDULES HOW COULD YOU BE SO SELFISH. ALL DAY YOU'VE BEEN SO RUDE. DO YOU EVEN WANT TO BE HERE?! WE'RE IDOLS, PROFESSIONALS, SINGERS, DANCERS SEOKMIN, NOT CHILDREN OR CLOWNS WHO CAN BARELY WALK ON TWO FEET," jihoon screamed
seokmin flinched as seungcheol came close, too close. but there was no impact. seokmin knew better. seungcheol would never do that but it was an automatic reaction now. seokmin was beyond scared as he felt his lip trembling.
"suck it up, i don't want to hear it."
"enough is enough."
"he's right."
"pathetic"
"he's joking."
"clown."
"not deserving."
and seokmin believed they were right.
and one by one they all left seokmin.
the boy watched as jeonghan was the last one standing there.
seokmin was too humiliated to look back up at the older.
the younger glanced up for a second to witness jeonghan giving him an empathetic look before turning around and walking away.
seokmin was officially alone.
his heart clenched again but this time tighter and harder. he felt his knees giving up under him as he collapsed to the floor. he attempted to yell out for help just for any member. he hoped it was a prank but it was not. nobody ever came as ringing entered the boy's ears. he quickly got up, running outside but nobody was there. he felt himself slipping from his older self. but after all the words today he wasn't sure if he could to relax. it was more to get away from a dark area in his life. he ran to the bathrooms as he lost his way, eyes getting blurrier by the minute, spots filling his vision.
loud sobs exited his mouth as he started choking on air. there was not enough oxygen to fill his lungs as his hyperventilating got worse, his heart thumping harder and harder, his brain becoming fuzzy. he couldn't focus anymore, not being in the right mindset as he harshly scratched at his arms, legs, everywhere he could find before deeply scratching into his neck.
he was slowly going insane. all the words turned into a form of pain by scratching deeper and deeper into his arms. blood started arising to the surface again as the dark liquid ran down his arms, dripping to his legs before the floor.
stupid, worthless, pathetic, clown, baby, can't do anything, not deserving, selfish. all those words raced through his mind. he couldn't stop. no matter what his big self told him he couldn't stop. never had seokmin felt so isolated, neglected, lost, so unlike himself. lee seokmin no longer feltlike himself. he was a whole another person manically scratching at his arms as his throat was tightly gripped and choked until he couldn't breathe. tears rolling down his cheeks at a pace not even countable. everything felt cold, numb. his mindset got worse and worse as words of such hatred filled his head. why are you so bad at singing. why did you make them hate you. why would you do that to them after everything they've done for you. seokmin's heart was racing way too fast, his breathing was too fast, he tried to breathe in harshly again but no oxygen filled his lungs. he contemplated whether to call his manager or not but that would be way too suspicious after what happened in the bathrooms earlier that day. seokmin grabbed onto his chest tightly as he tried his hardest to breathe in again but it was practically impossible at this rate. he felt consciousness slipping away. good. you deserve it anyways. after all the pain you put the members through this is the least you could do to yourself. feeling even more frustrated after recalling such events, seokmin only dug deeper into his wrist to try and clear his thoughts. his headspace which was now a safe space where he could trust the members to take care of him was now neglected and drowned in dark thoughts, now an area where it reminded him of all the bad thoughts. toxic, sick, toxic, sick. seokmin didn't remember the last thing that happened but what he did remember is gasping another time, watching as his chest heavily went up and down before his eyelids slowly closed.