Chapter Text
Compared to Woody and many of the other toys, Buzz was a rather young toy. He was capable of independent thinking, he was self-aware and he had a soul. He had his own mind and thoughts and emotions, but like any creature, he had to learn many things by himself. This included emotions and the capability to tell them apart and connect them to words.
One of the best ways to learn emotions was to watch television. It was a rare possibility to be able to watch telly, sometimes when Andy wasn't home they'd watch it in his room, and sometimes they were in the living room at the same time when Andy's mom was watching her telenovelas and reality shows and what not. Some of them were very extravagant and even Buzz felt second-hand embarrassment for the small people inside the box.
Buzz learned many things from watching telly. He learned ways to express oneself, he learned new fancy words and idioms and he learned from the small people's mistakes. He learned what not to do himself. But he also had still so much more to learn.
Buzz didn't know when it started, that butterfly feeling in his tummy. Though he didn't have a tummy; he was plastic through and through, and didn't have things such as organs, but he had heard the saying before and he didn't feel the need to change it for his own sake. And he was sure this is how this, butterfly feeling , felt.
Actually, the feeling must've started a little after Buzz started feeling this kind of combination of fear, and anger, and anxiety, every time he saw Andy play with Woody and Bo Peep. Andy played with Woody and Bo as a couple; he'd make them kiss and call each other icky pet names. He'd make it so Woody would always save his damsel in distress, and their relationship was more often than not concentrated on in every playtime.
Even if there wasn't really anything going on between Woody and Bo, seeing Andy play with them like he did felt to Buzz like he was being crushed by a trash compactor. After playtime, Woody and Bo would laugh about it and call it a day. 'All in the day's work ', they chuckled about it.
When Buzz started thinking that the nicknames were icky he felt bad for thinking that way. What did it matter, anyway? Why was it such a big deal for him?
It was unconscious at first, but Buzz started paying attention to the smallest little details, which he never paid attention to before. His eyes caught every eye contact, every hug and every word, every tone and smile and touch. He was looking for signs that there indeed was nothing going on between Woody and Bo.
The way he acted was everything but inconspicuous; he wasn’t good at hiding his new complicated emotions, which scared him a lot. Until now he had been able to keep his emotions quite well at check, but with these new emotions he felt lost and even anxious at times.
Fortunately he had Jessie. Jessie would turn all the attention to herself whenever she saw panic creep into Buzz’s soul, or she would help Buzz and distract him. The admiration Buzz had for Jessie he mistook for something similar to love, or so he wants to believe. But from quite the start Jessie saw through Buzz’s confusion, and they came to a mutual understanding together. Jessie is to Buzz what Slinky is to Woody; a close, loyal friend, who you could always turn to, no matter what.
For the longest time, Woody was able to hide his worry, exhaustion, and anxiety. After everything that happened at Sid’s house Woody suffered from nightmares for a long time- occasionally even to this day. To top all of that, Woody was getting exhausted and pressured by his everyday work. He was the one to shepherd the rest of Andy’s toys, he was the one to guide them and brief them of the important things. That was his job; he was where Andy was, he knew what Andy knew, and things like surprise parties or friends coming over were things the rest of the toys needed to know. It had been like that for as long as Woody could remember.
And it took him a long time to accept the fact that it wasn’t only him anymore; Buzz, too, was very often wherever he and Andy were, and Woody hadn’t thought that maybe some of that responsibility could be shared with the spaceman. It had been just Woody for the longest time, and it was hard to accept changes. Oh, it was .
Buzz, who had been too occupied with finding himself after realizing that he indeed was a toy and thus hadn’t noticed Woody’s distress for some time , blamed himself a bad best friend for not seeing how Woody was hurting. But then again, Woody did his best to hide it. But once Buzz saw it, there was no convincing him otherwise.
“ Woody, I am here for you. I am with you. If there’s anything I can do, let me do it ”, Buzz had told him. And after having begged him so many times and finally demanding it after Woody had his worst drop, Woody finally let him in. The mess he was was almost frightening to Buzz, and he did his best so no one else would see the mess of him. Woody appreciated it very much.
Woody, who had hardly been sleeping in fear of nightmares, was convinced by Buzz to sleep by his side so he could keep an eye on him. He’d wake him up if he began showing signs of bad dreams, and he’d be there when Woody woke up. Woody never really said it, but he did imply often that one of the worst nightmares he had were about losing Buzz one way or another- worst being him being destroyed by Sid.
If they were both in the toy box, they would lay next to each other so Buzz could keep an eye on him, and also protect ( a word Buzz specifically used ) Woody from unwanted attention. His glow-in-the-dark feature didn’t bother Woody; on the contrary, it was comforting. If one of them were sleeping by Andy’s side, they’d wait till he was asleep before they’d settle under the bed. Dropping a toy from your bed while sleeping was nothing to wonder about.
Woody also began hugging him, and huddling against him, and Buzz let him do it. He didn’t see anything wrong with it, even though with every look and touch and word Buzz felt butterflies. Having Woody so close to him by his own free will tortured Buzz’s soul; he wanted to tell him so bad , but what could he tell him when he wasn’t even sure what he was feeling? What would he even say?
There was a phase when Woody couldn’t sleep. It wasn’t that he wasn’t sleepy or didn’t sleep well (with their new sleeping arrangements, Woody was sleeping so soundly and well), it was more that he was either super anxious about nightmares, or just simply couldn’t fall asleep. Buzz would always stay up with him for as long as he needed, and if Woody tried to tell him otherwise or blame himself about keeping Buzz awake, the spaceman toy would scold him and tell him how, he wouldn’t be a toy of his word if he let Woody down now . The way Buzz talked, so formal, and with such funny wording made Woody laugh at him. But that was one of the things Woody liked about him, and he let Buzz know it too.
“You’re an idiot, but I like that about you.”
Buzz was glad Woody was facing away from him right now; he must’ve looked just as idiot as he sounded. That butterfly feeling was in his chest again and Buzz grabbed the edge of his helmet collar.
They were underneath Andy’s bed tonight. They had assembled some of the toy blocks and other things Andy kept under his bed to form some sort of a bedding. They could be toys, but they too liked to sleep on something soft, even if cold, hard floors didn’t really feel bad to them either. They didn’t feel things like pain in the same way humans did, but they did prefer comfort over discomfort.
Buzz was positioned on the bedding the way that his upper body was slightly propped up, while Woody had laid down to rest his head on Buzz’s lap. Buzz laid his right hand on Woody’s shoulder, who nudged his shoulder to fit it better in Buzz’s palm.
“But really, Buzz, just sleep. I’ll be fine”, Woody spoke and patted Buzz’s leg. He was keeping his voice down in case Andy was a light sleeper tonight. Most times he was a heavy sleeper, but there have been a few occasions when he woke up to Buzz jumping off the bed and landing on the floor. He’d take Buzz back up to his bed, and on those times Woody would climb his way to the bed as well.
Buzz couldn’t let himself fall asleep knowing that he would be leaving Woody awake and all alone with his thoughts. He knew how dark those thoughts could be. He had experience of that himself. He hadn’t told anyone- not even Jessie - of all the dark thoughts that went through his mind when he was at his lowest. To sum it all up in one sentence; he wouldn’t have minded being blown to pieces by that rocket. Now, he felt shameful for having thought something like that.
Buzz let his other hand slip down from his collar and to his chest. The butterflies had settled enough for him to take action. Buzz stroked Woody’s shoulder with his thumb, and carefully, he started; “... You’ve got a friend in me .”
He reached to sing a few more lines before Woody realized that the bloody spaceman toy was singing . Woody lifted himself up from Buzz’s lap and turned to look at him.
“Buzz, stop that”, he chuckled awkwardly; “You sound horrib-”
Buzz ‘ shh ’d him and placed a finger on Woody’s lips.
“Appreciate the thought, Woody”, Buzz whispered back to him.
“What thhhouht?” Woody mumbled, Buzz’s finger still pressed on his lips.
“I’ve seen Mom sing to little miss Molly, it seems to calm her down”, Buzz answered matter-of-factly and nudged his head from side to side. Woody took a hold of Buzz’s hand and pressing it down he chuckled; “I am not a baby, Buzz.”
“Could as well be”, Buzz stated with a humored grin, to which Woody answered with a laugh. He shoved Buzz so the spaceman was knocked down on his side, and Woody laid down next to him.
“You’ve got troubles, I’ve got ‘em too ”, Buzz continued, and now Woody ‘ shh ’ed him.
“Stop it!” he chuckled and slapped Buzz’s face with his hands. Buzz grabbed him by his wrists and pulled his hands away as he continued; “ There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you !”
“There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do to shut you up!” Woody hissed from behind gritted teeth.
“ We stick together and we see it through-” Buzz continued, and after Woody managed his hands free he placed them on Buzz’s mouth. The next few sentences were muffled underneath Woody’s hands, but realizing that Buzz wouldn’t stop singing even if he used force, Woody moved his hands from covering Buzz’s mouth.
His humoured smile turned softer, and eventually faded. He was staring Buzz in the eyes, hardly being able to think or see or hear anything else other than Buzz right now.
Some other folks might be
A little bit smarter than I am
Bigger and stronger too
Maybe
Woody’s hands softly cupped Buzz’s face.
“ But none of them will ever l- ” Buzz continued, and suddenly the butterflies exploded like fireworks inside his chest. Woody didn’t even notice it, but Buzz tried to pick up where he left off as quickly as possible to correct his slip; “-love you… the way I do.”
Woody and Buzz stared at each other quietly, both of them were holding their breath.
Woody started with a whisper so soft Buzz hardly heard him; “It's me, and y-”
The ‘ thud thud ’ of Andy’s feet hitting the floor boards by his bed startled both of the toys, and without wasting any time Buzz jolted up from the bedding and rushed to the bedside, where Andy soon found him from. Andy took the toy in his hands before leaving his room to go grab himself a glass of water.
The sleeping arrangement went on for years, it became a habit and even long after Woody didn’t seem to suffer from nightmares anymore- even after Andy , he always found himself sleeping next to the space ranger.
“Buzzooo, you’re not concentrating”, Jessie mumbled, brushing her hair back for the, who knows how many times now , as it escaped Buzz’s hold.
“Uh, krhm , I’m sorry”, Buzz cleared his throat and started the work from the beginning again. Buzz did the best braids, he also had the best size and sort of fingers for it , but that was when he concentrated on his work.
Jessie turned around on her spot, she was sitting between Buzz’s legs as the spaceman sat on a letter block. Buzz wasn't done with her hair yet, it escaped his fingers when Jessie started turning. Buzz tried to reach it back, Jessie barked at him gently; “Leave it”, and Buzz pulled his hands back against his chest.
“Yes, ma’am”, he replied silently.
“I take it that ya haven’t talked to him ‘bout, you know what ”, Jessie said, keeping her voice down so no one would pay attention to them. With the, you know what , Jessie tilted her head from side to side.
Buzz, his hands resting on his knees now, looked down at the cowgirl and sighed in defeat. His brows dropped and he looked like a lost puppy.
“It’s not like I haven’t tried”, Buzz started; “But it’s like your hair just now-”
Jessie held in a chuckle, and Buzz, though a little sulky about it , appreciated her attempt not to laugh at him. Buzz continued; “When I plan to bring it up- the words just escape me. O-or someone comes to interrupt me, or Woody doesn’t have time for me, or-”
Buzz was gesturing wildly with his hands as he spoke. Jessie saw panic build up, and she gently placed her hands on Buzz’s hands and pushed them down. She stood up and sat down next to Buzz, who once again sighed in defeat. Jessie placed her hand softly on Buzz’s, who moved his hand so he could hold her’s.
Buzz dragged a deep breath and he let his head drop upon exhaling.
"The time… at that incinerator. We were that close to being done, and… I still couldn't bring myself to say it."
Jessie felt a sting in her chest. She wrapped her arms around Buzz’s.
"He-hey, Buzz-" Jessie started and shook him gently.
“Don’t be so hard on yourself…”
Buzz leaned towards Jessie, he rested his head against hers.
“Even if ya couldn’t say it then it doesn’t make it less valid or important”, Jessie started and leaned against Buzz. She squeezed him a little before she let go. Buzz sat straight and turned to look at Jessie, who brought her hands on Buzz’s cheeks.
“He knows how much ya care for ‘im”, Jessie tried to reassure Buzz; “Sometimes… Ya don’ need to say the actual words to mean it. Actions speak, an’ ya’ve been speakin’ so loud .”
Buzz yanked the corner of his lip to a half smile and hummed: “Thank you, Jessie.”
“Oh, any time, bestie”, Jessie cheerfully answered and placed a kiss on Buzz’s forehead.
“You’ll get there, trust me”, the cowgirl added before she moved back to sit between Buzz’s legs.
Buzz chuckled through his nose and returned to braiding Jessie’s hair.
Have a little art piece I drew to work as sort of a cover for this fanfic <3
You can also find me from Instagram, @king.ray.ii