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Dustin and Steve weren’t exactly sure when they became brothers- or when they started having annual hangouts on Friday. It was definitely more kiddish than Steve would like but being able to be around his friend as he laughed at dumb movies and told him things he’d never tell anyone, made it worth it.
It was Friday today, they were watching Tron, which- if Steve was being honest- was insanely boring. Normally these movies would have Dustin entirely focused on explaining the physics to Steve but tonight was off. It wasn’t uncomfortably obvious but it didn’t take much to see the tension.
“Hey…what do you think of the movie? I thought you might like it, I’ve seen a lot of people rent it.”
Dustin laughed, facing Steve and pulling himself off the couch to lay on the floor, no longer trying to seem interested. “A lot of nerds I bet.” He replied, allowing his smile to fade, “I haven’t really been watching it…I’m sorry. I just- have a lot on my mind. We can watch something you want instead, I’ll try to focus.”
Steve got off the couch and laid beside Dustin, resting his legs over the couch. “No, it’s ok. I figured you weren’t, you’d normally be telling me how that fight scene isn’t realistic because it ignores science or something.”
Dustin smiled in return, “…do you want to talk about it- About why you’re distracted? Or about if you feel down?”
“We don’t have to, it’s Friday hangout, I can just ignore it and we can enjoy the night.”
“I don’t mind. Friday hangout means just being together- even if it’s to talk about some things that aren’t happy. I’m ok with listening.”
He nodded, “are you sure? I mean- I’d like to talk about it but…it’s kind of a dark subject. It’s messed up and might be too much.”
“Yeah, it’s ok.”
“Oh just- just tell me if you need me to stop ok? Like if it’s too much and bothers you or something. I won’t be upset, promise.” Dustin asked, reaching out his pinky to seal the deal. Steve did the same and watched him, waiting patiently for him to talk.
“I’m not really sad, like- I’m upset but not sad or mad? Just upset. I’m in a good mood actually, I just can’t stop thinking. I’m not like sad self-hating- just thinking. Wishing kind of. But it’s wrong, it’s gross and I don’t know why I keep thinking like that. Nothing happened to me to make me feel or think like this.”
“What do you mean? What are you thinking?”
Dustin stopped, feeling as Steve’s hand squeezed his in reassurance. He wanted to share, to explain how he felt and what he was thinking but at the same time…it was wrong. His brain was wrong, these thoughts- they weren’t normal.
“I just- I feel like I deserve to be hurt. Hurt both physically and mentally. I want someone to hurt me…but I want it to be more than being beaten up or something. I want it to be more. I want it to be something I can never cure.” It was disgusting. Genuinely disgusting. Yet he craved it, in the world's most nonsexual and self-hating way possible.
“I want to be assaulted. Not in a sexual way- just in a punishing way.”
Steve sat up, facing Dustin as he pulled the other up so they were now facing each other.
“What- what do you mean assaulted? Like- sexually assaulted? Or just hurt? I- I’m lost.”
“Yeah. Sexually. I know it’s disgusting and fucked up but- I want it. I want to be ruined. I want to lose my will, to feel empty, and to get what I deserve. I don’t know what I did to deserve it but my brain tells me I do. I deserve to be punished- to be destroyed. I’m disgusting. I wish someone would hurt me- abuse me. I wish someone would hurt me in every way they want. I want them to beat me- to treat me like some animal. I deserve it.” He pulled his knees to his chest, “sometimes I even miss my dad. I miss the way he used to treat me. The way he would hit me. I sometimes even wish my mom was like him. I wish she would hurt me. I- I wish you would hurt me. I just want you guys to beat me. I just. I miss him. I miss the way he used to hurt me, how he would take his anger out on me and how he would take advantage of every moment we were alone so he could ruin me. I miss it. I want someone to hurt me. I don’t know why- I hate it and it’s gross and messed up but- but I want it. I want someone to punish me.”
Steve stared at Dustin for a solid minute, unsure of what to say.
Dustin knew it wasn’t ok. It was wrong on so many different levels…yet he wanted it. But the worst part was, that he romanticized it. He romanticized the idea of someone he loved doing that to him. He romanticized being hurt, the gaslighting, the pain. He loved it. No one really knew but he did it to himself sometimes. He’s hurt himself on purpose. He just wished someone else would do it for him. Someone to love him and ruin him at the same time. He craved it. If that isn’t love…then what is? It’s the only love he’s ever really known, the only love his dad would show him.
“I- I don’t know what to say-” Steve stopped himself, leaning forward to pull the other closer to him, making him sit beside him as he side-hugged him. “I don’t know why you feel like that- I didn’t know people could feel like that…I just- I only know that you don’t deserve that. I know you said you want it but…but you don’t deserve that, no one does. Our minds create allusions to help us cope with things we’ve gone through. I think this is what that is. It’s not coping but…it might be trying to reason with everything that happened. Do…you ever feel like that’s love- What you want?”
“…yeah. The idea of being hurt like that- hurt in general feels like love. It feels like they truly want me. Like I’m the only one they know they can keep. I- I really like it. It makes me feel loved. In a sick and twisted way, it’s almost romantic. I can truly be theirs. And I know I’d never leave them…because no one would ever treat me like that again. No one would love me like that again.”
“Are you scared of being alone?”
“Yes.”
“…are you scared to be happy, Dustin?”
He swallowed dryly, “yeah. I’m scared of what I’ll become if I get better. I’m scared of being alone- of being happy. I’m so scared of it. What if I lose myself? What if I don’t even know myself-”
Steve stopped him, placing a hand on his shoulder and squeezing slightly. “You won’t. You might feel like you don’t but you know yourself. When you get better you just learn to appreciate it. It’s scary, but it’s worth it.”
Dustin nodded, not sure of what to say.
“Yeah…maybe.”
Steve remained silent, leaning over to kiss the top of the other's head and pull him into a hug.
“I- I don’t know what to say or how to help but…I’m here for you. I don’t know what it’s like to think like that. I’m sorry- I just. I’m here, always. You can tell me about these things anytime, especially if it makes you feel better. Just…just know I would never let that happen to you. I’d never let someone hurt you like that. I know that might upset you and all but…I refuse to let someone do anything bad to you. I love you kid.”
Dustin smiled slightly, hugging back.
“I love you too.”