Chapter Text
Yin Yu had learned from an early age the way love and shame walked hand in hand. People liked to act as if they could exist without each other, but with every passing year the fallen God became more and more convinced of their intrinsic union.
Even as a child he never quite understood how everyone around him managed to keep them separate. Where did they draw the line between the two emotions? At what point did pride over a job well done turn into the guilt for egotism? When did desire turn into the ugly face of possession? Why did he want to win so badly when half the time he felt something sharp in his chest when he did?
He had asked his mother once. Yin Yu couldn’t remember exactly when. He had been a child, that much was certain. He had most definitely been a child, because he could hardly imagine even a teenage version of himself crying such hot tears over her answer.
His mother had been a kind woman. She was never harsh or too busy for him. She always praised his achievements with vigor. When he had ascended, well, she almost felt more joy than he did. He looked like her too. Though, he always imagined that wasn’t much of a positive thing. Neither of them were unpleasant to look it, it was just that they held a quiet unassuming plainness that made their faces relatively forgettable.
He also had her dark pin-straight hair and deathly pale skin. It wasn’t the paleness of a pearl or of ivory that he saw remarked upon as beautiful, it was always more of a sickly white that made them both appear far more fragile than they really were.
Maybe that’s why they didn’t catch her illness until it was too late. It had come as a shock. Yin Yu had been ascended for quite some time before his mother passed without struggle in her sleep. The mourning had been a quiet affair. Somber, and tinged with an understanding that now perhaps the one person who saw him fully was no longer on this earth.
But they had been growing apart for a while after his ascension. Not intentionally of course, it’s just that Yin Yu had other duties to attend to, and a heavenly official just descending like that to have a chat with an old woman was hardly proper. On the few occasions he did appear to her in dreams he did his best to smile and put on an air of stability he did not feel. He didn’t tell her of the bitterness brewing in his heart in the way he once might have. He didn’t ask her for the answers he desperately needed, because this time he knew she could not provide them. All she could offer was placations and the same advice she had given him when he asked her all those years ago. In any case, their relationship wasn’t what it used to be.
Perhaps it was for the best that his mother had passed before Yin Yu’s banishment. She would have been able to help, sure, but she also would have had to feel the intense shame of having a son such as him. How could she have stood it? Her own son, the pride of her life, and the one mark on the world she truly left turned into a villain in children's tales just like that. The weight of what he did, would she have been able to take it?
As the years went on, Yin Yu became ever more thankful that his mother never had to see him in such a state. He was grateful to know that the woman would never live to understand what he asked that evening when he came to her in tears.
Why do the good things feel so bad?
He was relieved that right to the very end, she remained convinced of her own philosophy. Her answer ever true.
“What do you mean, my son?” She had responded. “Love shouldn’t hurt. If it brings you pain, then it most certainly isn’t a good thing.”
As simple as that. A childish Yin Yu had clung to her robes in tears, adamant that she must be mistaken. That he was confused, that it was only something he didn’t understand yet that could be better explained.
He couldn’t exactly blame her for how she had laughed softly and bent down to pat his head. Dismissive. With the wisdom of his later years and the gift of hindsight, he now understood that more than likely his mother had simply seen a growing boy who didn’t know what to make of his emotions. Nothing to really be concerned with.
She had smiled and hugged and told him it was alright. He’d grow out of it.
By the time his mother had passed, Yin Yu was no longer comforted by that sentiment. He hadn’t grown out of it. If anything he’d grown into it, and with each passing day every emotion he had seemed to have came in pairs. Dignity and shame. Love and hatred. Desire and guilt.
He was aware of the wrongness of the whole thing. He always had been, he knew he shouldn’t look at his shidi and feel anything but easy to name emotions of pride at his friend’s accomplishments.
He didn’t though, he felt so much more.
He had once wondered if everyone felt the way he did and simply wouldn’t admit it. That had been a comforting thought. He wasn’t the only one feeling like this, he wasn’t alone, it wasn’t his fault. Most importantly, if everyone else secretly felt the same and were able to shove it down, why couldn’t he?
He could keep it hidden. Paint on that awful grin and bare it- because who was he to break when the others kept it so closely controlled? If he could just keep his cool, everything would be fine.
Only, everything wasn’t fine.
Yin Yu couldn’t do it.
A banishment. A job. A new face to wear above his own. The Waning Moon Officer was something that worked in the shadows. Never quite seen, never quite thanked. And sure, Yin Yu was at a ghost king's beck and call, and rarely received thanks for the odd jobs he filled his day with, but it was better that way.
Sure there was no praise, but without the feeling of eyes on you there was no swell of pride. Without pride, Yin Yu managed to finally run from the ugly emotion that chased it.
The cursed shackle on his wrist throbbed and Yin Yu was reminded he would never bathe in the sunlight of the heavens again. It hurt. Of course it did. Yin Yu was certain that it may never stop hurting, but it was better than it had been. It was better this way, he was sure of it. He was content to remain nameless among a sea of red.
Until he found him again. Until Yin Yu was forced to infiltrate the heavens and his royal highness was threatened by Jun Wu. Until the very emperor that had banished him gave him a choice.
Yin Yu wished he knew why he couldn’t do it. Some sick part of him wanted to. But when he looked at Quan Yizhen, eyes full of fear and confusion. How could he? Furthermore, how could anything Yin Yu achieved at the cost of another not be tinged with that awful black taint? What joy could possibly hold up to the guilt of knowing he had cost the man who trusted him so intensely everything?
Yin Yu could comfort himself enough by saying he didn’t intend to harm Quan Yizhen with the brocade immortal. But choosing to steal the man’s powers? That required an intent that Yin Yu admitted he would never be able to muster.
What else was there to say to the man then? What else other than “I hate you.”
As the words left his mouth Yin Yu felt the countless other emotions accompanying them. It was too late, though, and he found he had little desire to speak them.
Then there was nothing. And that was possibly the most peace the man had felt in years. Alone and empty, floating and grounded. Thinking and feeling just as he always did, but unable to hold onto those feelings. They washed through him like nudging waves of an unseen ocean. He found himself wondering how he had ever managed to feel anything at all. Though, just as with anything he felt, there was also pain and fear, and an unfathomable deep well of regret.
Enough regret to drown Yin Yu. More than he thought he was capable of feeling.
Regret about what? Flashes of faces, calls of his name. What could even have been done differently?
He wasn’t sure how long he stayed like that. Some place beyond life and death was hardly a place at all. It’s quite difficult to mark the time without being able to turn to the sun. But the sun never stays away for long.
When he awoke it was much brighter than he had remembered. He had come to, head pounding and bathed in the eternal golden light of heavens.
Quan Yizhen’s palace. Or, what had once been Quan Yizhen’s palace. From the looks of it a vast majority of damage was still being repaired or reconstructed all together. It really was hard to tell.
The room he awoke in was small, but its great walls rose so far above his head Yin Yu could hardly see the ceiling. Gold drapery blew in the a slight breeze, and the rays of light coming from the great windows illuminated the dust in the air in a way that he had always found beautiful.
There never really was light like this in the ghost city, and the man found he missed it.
Questions arose quickly. Why was he here? Where was Quan Yizhen? Was his highness safe? Was Hua Chengzhu able to make it here in time? How much time had passed.
Yin Yu looked down and flushed.
Where were his clothes?
Just as he was about to call out to see if anyone was around or slink off to find something to put over his body, he heard a great crackle from behind him.
A door that hadn’t been there before opened, and out stepped Hua Cheng looking as unphased as ever. He was in one of his taller forms. His robes a vibrant red and adornments jingling as he strode into the room.
Well, if his highness was in danger Hua Cheng didn’t seem to be worried by it.
“About time you woke up, Yin Yu.” The ghost spoke with his usual coolness that displayed neither tone nor intent. With one swift movement he tossed Yin Yu a bundle of black robes.
The man couldn’t help but relax slightly as he slipped his inner layer on. At least he wasn’t exposed anymore.
“I apologize, Chengzhu. How long has it been?”
The man just let out a dry laugh.
“Long enough, Yin Yu.” He said as began to shake the dice in his palm once more. Unhurried and unconcerned if Yin Yu was following him, he stepped through the door.
What else was there to do but follow him? As expected, the door led back to Paradise Manor, and without so much of a word to the man who had been presumably hosting him during his recovery, Yin Yu’s life returned much to what it was.
There were a few small differences, sure, but nothing Yin Yu couldn’t handle. He had always been adaptable, and some of them were rather pleasant. Namely the addition of Xie Lian being a common face around the manor.
He had always found his highness amiable. There was something uniquely calming about his presence that always made even the worst of his days a little more tolerable. He, like Hua Cheng, also knew when not to push. Xie Lian never asked Yin Yu too many questions. He never badgered him to share his feelings, yet always seemed to look at the man with a sense of understanding. Like the god truly saw him. Flaws and all.
Yin Yu appreciated that. He wouldn’t consider them exactly friends, it’s not like they spent hours of their day chatting, but it was nice to see a face he knew held no judgment for him.
Of course, there was also the added benefit of Xie Lian’s presence making Hua Cheng happier than Yin Yu had ever seen him. His highness really did have a way of smoothing out his beloved’s edges that Yin Yu wouldn’t have ever thought possible. Make no mistake, Hua Cheng was still just as ruthless and spiteful as he had always been, but he wasn’t consumed by it in the way he once was.
Yin Yu supposed putting all of your energy into yearning for something could drive you a bit mad. Constantly looking for what you cannot live without and is always out of reach, that kind of absence changes a person does it not?
He owed a lot to Hua Cheng, no one else would have taken him after his banishment. He could be inconsiderate of Yin Yu’s time, had the worst tunnel vision imaginable, and was way too sharp for his own good, but Yin Yu knew that in his own way the ghost cared for him.
Or as much as he could care for anyone besides Xie Lian.
Yes, Yin Yu knew how lucky he was to have Hua Cheng as his employer. When offered his job again after being gone for so long, Yin Yu really couldn’t think of anything to do but accept.
Apparently he had been gone for at least a couple years, and as time does, it changed a lot of things.
The heavens were in shambles according to Xie Lian. Sometimes he would run into the god returning home exhausted at strange hours in the day. Always with a tired smile and a wave of the hand to dismiss Yin Yu’s worries. After Jun Wu’s failed attempts to corrupt the once-prince, the divine realm was left without a leader. Naturally it seemed that Xie Lian would be suited to the task, and perhaps even more naturally he turned the position down.
Yin Yu couldn’t help but think that he still did much of the same work of a heavenly emperor, just without the title. He doubted the god really minded, though. Just as Hua Cheng often talked about being fed up with the tedious details of running the Ghost City, Xie Lian seemed continuously exasperated with whatever drama was unfolding in the upper courts. Still, they both could hardly bear to leave the mess alone.
There was also the fact that Yin Yu himself was a ghost now. At least, he thought he was. In truth he had very little answers for the shape of his ties to the world. It wasn’t like he hadn’t asked, but his employer seemed content to feed him nothing but vague not-answers.
“What do you think you are, Yin Yu?”
It was all extremely unhelpful. If he was a ghost, where were his ashes? The man was well aware of just how important their safekeeping would be to his survival, and was keen to lock them someplace secure. Hua Cheng had simply laughed and told him not to worry about it.
What questions Crimson Rain was willing to answer did little to ease Yin Yu’s worries.
Who had done the work to mend his soul back together? Who else? Quan Yizhen.
Why on earth had they entrusted his fractured soul to possibly the least responsible heavenly official?
At that question, Hua Cheng had simply raised an eyebrow and snorted. Yin Yu knew what that meant. If anyone would be able to do the impossible it would be that idiot. Yin Yu could just picture Quan Yizhen clutching what was left of his shixiong, desperate to put him back together. Like Yin Yu was some sort of puzzle that would magically slot into place if he just thought hard enough about it.
The thought that Quan Yizhen’s own determination and pure stubbornness was enough to bring Yin Yu back to some sort of life made his heart hurt for reasons he didn’t understand. He wasn’t sure he wanted to, so he did what he did best and ignored it.
It was in this perpetual avoidance that life began to return to somewhat of a normal shape for Yin Yu. Months passed. He protected the city, solved disputes, worked the occasional odd job for the heavens at Xie Lian’s request, and most importantly kept clear of Quan Yizhen.
Some immature part of himself was afraid to see him. Well, more so than he usually was. Late at night in the safety of his room he imagined what the other might say to him when they met again. Yin Yu was not a fool and knew it was most certainly a matter of when and not if.
Would his former shidi finally be mad? Would he finally look at him with the scorn he deserved and the fear that he had earned? Or would he fail to learn anything and keep holding that waiting open expression?
Yin Yu would imagine a million ways the conversation could go. He pictured tears. His. Yizhen’s. It didn’t really matter, not when all they brought was the clean rush of pain exposed. Maybe he could confess to it all, finally put it into words. Finally speak the things he had kept crushed down inside him for so long. Much like before Jun Wu had destroyed him, except this time he wouldn’t stop. He’d say it all. No matter how illogical and vulnerable. Yin Yu imagined himself whispering words he would only dare admit to in the dark corners of the night.
On good days, that is the future he imagined. Mostly, he thought of how nothing would really change. He knew he was stagnant. He knew he had been for years.
He knew that whenever he did cross paths with his former shidi again, he would simply run. He would make excuses. He would twist out of his grasp and ignore his pleas to talk. He would offer nothing but curt appeasements that ultimately meant nothing, and then they would part ways.
Nothing would change, and for the few months after his return, Yin Yu had almost convinced himself that he preferred it that way.
Until his boss had to go and ruin everything.
No, Lord Chengzhu wasn’t solely to blame for this situation. Yin Yu assumed that his highness played no small part in it as well.
It was the azalea’s second bloom of the season, and Yin Yu had to admit the magic always wore off a bit the second time around. He stood tensely in one of the many gardens on the grounds of paradise manor, glaring at the flowering bush.
That wasn’t fair, it wasn’t the flower’s fault. Though, Yin Yu was really thinking about taking his frustrations out on the plant because it wasn’t like he could do much of anything to the man causing them.
“If I may speak freely,” Yin Yu finally said, “I don’t exactly see how this is the Ghost City’s problem.”
Beside him Hua Cheng tsked with impatience.
“The idols popping up have been for what is most likely a new supreme ghost. I’m sure I don’t need to explain to you that a new power with that many devoted followers could cause issues for us. That, coupled with the deaths, seems to be more than enough reason for the Ghost City to get involved.”
Yin Yu looked over at him with obvious disbelief. He had been back just over seven months now. He had already done a few jobs that required him to travel beyond Ghost City, but those at least had direct consequences to his home. This? It was nothing more than a fool’s errand for the heavens and Hua Cheng knew it.
He usually would accept his assignments without protest, so perhaps his withering stare caught the ghost a bit off guard because Yin Yu swore he saw Hua Cheng shift awkwardly on his feet.
“Alright, fine. Maybe I owe gege a favor.” He admitted.
“Still, I don’t see why I have to go if it’s your favor.”
Hua Cheng’s eyes narrowed.
“Watch yourself, Yin Yu. It isn’t like you to be so objectionable.”
Any of Hua Cheng's possible guilt from earlier had been swiftly washed away as he presented Yin Yu with a lackadaisical shrug. He stepped forward to examine a particularly beautiful azalea, unbothered by the mess he had just dropped on his subordinate. As the man in red crouched lower to examine the flower, a small smile curved at his lips.
He knew that Yin Yu was going to do it. Curse him.
He was right, it wasn’t like the fallen god to put up such a fuss. It was just that this job would require him to stay in the west for a long time. There were so many variables. Find the ghost, find its followers, assess the threat level, and then what? If it had to be disposed of? Who knows how long that would take or the sort of ruckus it would cause. Destroying a newly fledged calamity would draw attention without doubt. Attention from the god presiding over the territory and the exact person Yin Yu was desperately trying to avoid.
Other than the troublesome task of dealing with the issue itself, possibly running into Quan Yizhen was enough to completely turn Yin Yu off the mission.
He was sure Hua Cheng knew that’s where his true reservations lie, but the ghost king clearly cared little about them.
“You’ll leave tomorrow.” The man in red said at last.
“I-”
“Arrangements have already been made. You’ll head to Guangmen first thing in the morning. Gege has already compiled the proper maps and records of the situation. We’ve also already prepared the necessary provisions for the trip and packed your things.”
Shit. They really were leaving him no way out of this, were they?
With that Hua Cheng abruptly stood and plucked a single azalea from its bush. He turned to Yin Yu with a bright grin that immediately killed all the protests in his throat. It was a charming smile, but it was clear that the conversation was over.
“You know Yin Yu,” He said, idling twirling the flower in his hand. “I think this trip will be good for you. Honestly.”
______
Yin Yu was going to murder someone. In fact, he was currently calculating the exact person to blame for this whole set up as the man in front of him blathered on excitedly.
Quan Yizhen’s eyes were alight with excitement and he was practically vibrating with joy as babbled about how amazing their mission was going to be. He was just how Yin Yu remembered him. Bronzed skin dotted with tiny white scars that Yin Yu knew the god could fully heal if he wanted to, yet wore proudly. Broad shoulders wound tight with cords of muscle. Eyes that seemed to burn with the light of some hidden fire, making his every expression as emphatic as humanly possible. And of course, the mess of dark chestnut hair barely pulled back from his face in a high ponytail. Every time he moved the golden hair piece securing it glinted in the late afternoon sun and briefly blinded Yin Yu. His robes were heavily adorned and of so fine a quality that the man looked startlingly out of place on the modest shop corner of Guangmen.
Meanwhile, Yin Yu had decided that this was most likely his highness's doing and if he was going to kill anyone, it should definitely be him. Of course, Hua Cheng would immediately bring his own life to a tortuous end but it would be worth it.
When Yin Yu had arrived in Guangmen, his spirits were almost lifted. The town itself was a rather unremarkable one. Not so small that the appearance of a sudden stranger would draw question, but not so large that most would have any reason to visit it. It was rather quaint too. He even briefly considered returning at a later date if he ever had some time off.
Yin Yu had decided to take the time to pursue some of the shops before trying to find proper food and a place to rest for the evening. He walked down the crowd filled market with a leisurely step. Scents and noise didn't overwhelm him like they did in the Ghost City. This was quieter, more reserved. As he paused in front of a curio shop he almost felt it strangely reminiscent of the town just outside his old sect.
For a moment he allowed himself to just disappear among the crowd. Another face among faces, he found himself more at home than he had felt in years. The man had been so caught up in looking over a tiny jade figurine that he failed to react in time to the crack of thunder that sent fear coiling down his spine. There were only the briefest mumblings and whispers from the crowd as a man suddenly dropped from the sky and onto the street. There were only moments before Yin Yu heard it. Not enough time to run.
“Shixiooooong!”
With a shocking speed Quan Yizhen suddenly tackled him, giving the man a crushing hug that sent them both tumbling to the ground.
Pain exploded along Yin Yu’s neck as his back collided with the dirt beneath him. A soft “ah” of surprise barely leaving his lips.
“Oh! I’m sorry, shixiong! Ah- I didn’t mean to do that.” The man said from practically on top of Yin Yu. His hair spilled forward as if encasing the man below him entirely. The smell of sweat, lilies, and cinnamon crashed into Yin Yu’s senses. It was all a bit overwhelming, and not in a good way.
“If you’re sorry then get off me.” Yin Yu finally snapped out of his daze to shove his former shidi away from him. Great, everyone was staring at them. Why couldn’t Yizhen at least have given him the dignity of a calm reunion?
The younger man hopped up as if on springs and drug Yin Yu with him. Suddenly yanked to his feet, Yin Yu wobbled a bit but was steadied by a firm grip on his shoulders before he had a chance to right himself.
“I really am sorry. It’s just- I can’t believe it’s really you!” Quan Yizhen’s face was uncomfortably close to his own. This moron really had no concept of personal space did he?
“Why are you here, Yizhen?” Yin Yu did his best not to react. He knew that whatever emotion he showed would only spur the god on, and he was eager to end this conversation as quickly as possible. How easy would it be to run away now? He would have to get Quan Yizhen to release the iron grip on his shoulders or he wasn’t going anywhere.
“Oh! There’s that new ghost being worshiped as a god all around our territory. Xie Lian asked me to check it out. I said I was busy training, but then he said that you would be coming along so of course I had to join.”
Yin Yu’s mind went blank.
“What?”
“I said I’m here to help, shixiong. This will be so great! We can spar together, night hunt, and cook, and tell each other everything we’ve missed. It’ll be just like old times!” The god grinned widely at him. His cheeks were bright and red and his eyes almost disappeared from how hard he was smiling.
“I think there’s been some mistake.”
“Hm? What do you mean?”
“I can’t do this with you.”
The brown-haired god cocked his head in confusion.
“Why not?”
The innocence dripped in his voice was what broke Yin Yu. He abruptly pushed back and was able to finally dislodge himself from the other’s grasp. Rage surged through his body like a dam freshly broken. Did he really not know? There were times Yin Yu wondered if his shidi only played dumb to get his way. This had to be one of them, right?
He couldn’t possibly want to spar with Yin Yu after everything that happened.
“What do you mean why not? Didn’t you hear me? I hate you! I’ve been avoiding you for months, even you must have enough sense to see that.”
Yin Yu didn’t really expect his words to sink in. If knowing Quan Yizhen for so long had taught him anything, it’s that one conversation about a topic was hardly enough for the man to take it to heart, but he had expected more than the blank stare he received after he was done shouting.
Quan Yizhen stood frozen, eyes wide and empty. Yin Yu almost began to worry he had finally sent the poor fool into shock before his expression shifted back into his usual smile all at once.
“Like I was saying, shixiong. We have a lot of things planned so we should probably rest up before tomorrow.” He continued as if Yin Yu had said nothing.
“What? No! Are you listening? I’m not-”
A second crack of thunder sounded above his head. This time, it was actual rain and not the arrival of someone sent to torture Yin Yu. Heavy cold rain plummeted from the sky in a dramatic burst and soaked them instantly.
“Ah! Let’s find cover, shixiong.” Quan Yizhen declared as he grabbed the front of Yin Yu’s robes roughly. Oblivious to the older man’s protests, Quan Yizhen pulled them both under a nearby shop roof. The rain had quickly made a mess of their robes, already covered in dirt from when Quan Yizhen had just knocked them to the ground.
Rain beat against their cover with a deafening roar as the younger man began to talk about their plans. What plans? Why was he acting as if Yin Yu had chosen to come on this trip?
Dianxia. Yin Yu called into his communication array as Quan Yizhen kept talking. Did he even care that the other clearly wasn’t listening to him?
Only a second passed before he heard the soft lilt of Xie Lian’s voice in reply, Ah, Yin Yu. I take it you made it to Guangmen safely?
Yes I did, thank you. That’s not why I contacted his highness. General Qi Ying is here, and he seems to be under the impression that we are conducting this investigation together?
Yin Yu felt rather proud of himself for keeping his tone so level and not betraying the anger he felt at the god at the moment. Still, silence was his only reply.
Your highness?
Ah yes, sorry Yin Yu. You see, I figured it would do you well to have some assistance with this case. It is rather complicated after all, and Quan Yizhen was just moping around the heavens starting fights, so I thought some fresh air would do him well.
Yin Yu felt indignation spark in his head, Fresh air? This is a highly sensitive case, your highness. You can’t possibly think that the addition of him would make this go any smoother?
He could almost picture the apologetic smile on Xie Lian’s face.
I really do apologize for not giving you proper warning. I just didn’t think you’d agree to come if you knew Quan Yizhen would be joining you.
He was right to think that. In what possible world would he be willing to subject himself to this if he didn’t have to? A chance of running into the martial god of the west was one thing, actually being stuck with him for who knows how long was another. He couldn’t do it.
I must respectfully ask to return back to Paradise manor then, your highness. Surely someone else can assist General Qi Ying.
Ah no Yin Yu I really think-
Yin Yu. A cold voice abruptly rang into the array. Shit.
Yes, Lord Chengzhu?
I would appreciate it if you refrain from distracting my husband during our sparring sessions.
Yin Yu felt heavy defeat wash over him. He already knew where this conversation was going.
I apologize, it was not my intention, Chengzhu.
See to it you resolve the matter in Guangmen with haste and do not contact dianxia over something so meaningless again, do you understand?
I understand sir.
Good. Now get back to work.
With that, the array disconnected and Yin Yu was left staring at the still talking Quan Yizhen.
“-and then we can head to the Great Forest Mountain! Pei Ming was telling me about this rare flower that only blooms there once every few years. If we get the time of day right we should be able to see it. Normally I don’t care about flowers or what Pei Ming says, but I thought you might like it, shixiong.”
Yin Yu tensed and glared at the man in front of him.
“This isn’t a vacation, Yizhen. We have a job to do.”
“I know, but I hardly ever see you, and if we’re already out here anyway we might as well enjoy it.”
“I’m only here to resolve the idol matter.”
Quan Yizhen laughed slightly and took a step closer to the scowling man. His voice suddenly got soft in a way it rarely did.
“I missed you, shixiong. The heavens are awful and everyone ignores me. Can’t I want to have a little fun?”
His smile didn’t waver, but Yin Yu could have sworn he almost recognized a hint of sadness in it. That was new. He couldn’t help but be struck by the sense his shidi had matured a bit since they last spoke.
Happy now having said his piece, Quan Yizhen ran back into the street with a wild grin on his face.
“Come on, shixiong, the rain has stopped!”
Oh, he was right. Yin Yu hadn't noticed it had.
The next half hour was spent with Yin Yu more or less being dragged around by Quan Yizhen to various shops. If he were being honest, the man would admit that he still was rather interested in seeing what the market had to offer, but he felt seething humiliation at being manhandled into doing so.
“Oo, let’s go in here, shixiong.” The god’s eyes lit up once they passed over one of the last shops on the street.
Yin Yu regarded it suspiciously. A modest sign carved into a wooden plank read, Medicinal Herbs and Elixirs.
Yin Yu raised a brow at his companion. It really wasn’t like his shidi to have an interest in anything practical. If Quan Yizhen noticed his confusion, he made no show of it and proceeded to pull him into the store.
As soon as they stepped past the sheet of fabric covering the doorway the pair were hit by the overwhelming scent of various herbs and spices. The store itself was quite large, a spacious floor plan stretched before them with little furniture and decoration. Dark wood encapsulated the candle-lit space, giving it somewhat of an ominous feel. Rows and rows of tiny intricate shelves were filled with different dried herbs and bottles that appeared to have no discernible organization. Yin Yu glanced over at the singular shopkeeper lazily leaned over a small counter in the corner, she looked bored.
“Shixiong, we should stock up on supplies right?” Quan Yizhen had already flitted over to a random shelf and started to pull items from their place.
“Pay attention to what you’re grabbing! Do you even know what you’re looking for?” Yin Yu scolded as he approached. Taking stock of the tiny containers in the god’s arms, there was little to no way to tell what he was even holding.
“If this is a medicinal shop everything should be useful, right? Back at the sect you always scolded me for not being prepared enough.”
The mention of a sect along with Quan Yizhen’s clearly expensive-if-muddy clothes seemed to finally garner the shopkeeper’s attention. She straightened suddenly at her counter and shot them a warm smile.
“Oh boys,” She called out in a sing-songy voice, “I can help you over here.”
It was clear that she was only acknowledging them because of Quan Yizhen’s appearance and obvious lack of knowledge, but the fool bounded over anyway with an equally wide smile.
Yin Yu sighed and reluctantly followed. He fought the urge to roll his eyes as Quan Yizhen put down his hoard of elixirs with a thump. He couldn’t even do that gracefully, could he?
The woman working the shop leaned down slightly to appraise the bottles with a pleased hum.
“What a fine selection, young Daoist.” She praised.
Anyone with eyes could tell that Quan Yizhen had grabbed a random assortment of nothing, but she clearly was in the mood to flatter. Her dress was far more ornate than a shift working as a store clerk called for. Its vibrant pinks and layered patterns almost made Yin Yu’s head hurt. Her hair fell in loose coils from where it was secured with a silver hairpiece, and her delicate jewelry chimed softly when she moved. Her perfume was also annoyingly strong.
She was clearly far older than she was trying to let on. Though she was most certainly pretty, her face powder was layered thick and white above obvious wrinkles. The whole appearance gave her the look of someone ready to perform a play then sell them anything useful.
“Do you think this will be enough?” Quan Yizhen asked her with a frown.
She laughed lightly, “That depends, dear. What are you in need of?” Before Quan Yizhen could respond she began putting more tiny bottles on the counter. “I have elixirs for longevity, vitality, mood- anything you could possibly want.”
Yin Yu was becoming suspicious of the quality of what she was selling, but Quan Yizhen took in every word as if it were the most serious of matters.
He folded his arms slightly and put on a contemplative face. In their younger years, Yin Yu often scolded him for wearing his emotions so openly. In moments like these, it almost felt as if his shidi thought that simply performing an exaggerated look was the same thing as actually thinking.
“And you?” The woman behind the counter’s attention had finally narrowed in on Yin Yu. Took her long enough. “What can I do for you, mister Daoist?”
Yin Yu hated the way she seemed to be appraising him, how long would it take for her to make the calculation that Quan Yizhen was the better target?
“Nothing.” He said briskly from beside the lost-in-thought god.
The woman continued to stare at him, biting her lip gently, as if still trying to figure him out. The whole thing was really making Yin Yu rather uncomfortable, and he doubted this shop would have anything of use anyway. He was about to gather Quan Yizhen and leave when the woman broke into another slightly unsettling smile.
“I know! A powerful thing like you must have someone special waiting at home, no? How about this?” She gleefully placed a delicate vial of clear red liquid on the counter. “It will help to maintain vigor in the bedroom, if you know what I mean.”
Yin Yu immediately flushed crimson and took a step back but quickly recovered. This was exactly what he was trying to avoid.
Of course his shidi chose that moment to finally pay attention to what was going on around him as well. He bent forward slightly to get a better look at the small vile.
“Vigor? Do you mean for training? If so, this could be really useful, shixiong.”
Kill him now.
Yin Yu slapped Quan Yizhen’s hand away from the glass with a puff of annoyance.
“Don’t touch that, Yizhen. We’re leaving.” Yin Yu’s entire body was rigid with discomfort. He really wanted to get out of the store as quickly as possible.
The woman behind the counter scoffed.
“A word of advice? You’re not pretty enough to be this boring, sweetheart.”
Yin Yu was aware he was plain. Forgettable, handsome in the way that wouldn’t make you turn your face one way or another. Acceptable, but only that. He also knew his personality did little to change that.
Yin Yu had always been quiet. Dutiful and reserved, but undeniably pleasant. Easy to get along with, but that wasn’t necessarily a compliment. Not three months before his banishment, Yin Yu overheard a conversation that confirmed that.
It had been one of those days where the hours seemed to last months, and all he had wanted was to return to his palace and sulk. He had spent the better part of the day trying to convince his shidi to answer his followers' prayers and not simply prattle about in the heavenly realm. Quan Yizhen had somehow got it in this thick skull that he wasn’t training enough.
“I only ran three laps yesterday, shixiong.” The curly-haired god had huffed after hours of prodding. “My followers will understand. You wouldn’t want them to worship a god so weak he can only do three laps around the heavens, would you?”
Yin Yu had wanted to scream. He didn’t, though- and predictably after he had forced the younger god to do even the most basic of work, Quan Yizhen managed to dispose of a great beast terrorizing a small western town in barely an incense time.
When he returned Quan Yizhen had been grinning wildly. His impossible to tame hair was looming over him like a messy halo he didn’t need. He was already glowing.
“Didn’t I do a good job, shixiong? Did you see me? Oh man, shixiong you really should have come with me, it was amazing.” He had babbled once he tracked down Yin Yu.
Of course it was, he didn’t say.
It always is for you, isn’t it?
He held his tongue.
So fucking easy. Like all of this is just some game you don’t even know the rules to, but you just keep winning.
He thought only poison but refused to speak it. Instead he forced out a tight smile and gave his shidi the praise he wanted. Normally he would have scolded him for dragging his feet on it so much in the first place, but that night he couldn’t find the energy.
When he finally made it back to his palace, he had only wanted to crawl into bed and internally bemoan his state, but was interrupted as he turned a corner in one of its halls by voices. At this point Yin Yu was no stranger to catching the unkind truths his peers had to whisper about him when he wasn’t around.
Failure.
Disappointment.
Pathetic.
Might-have-been.
Underwhelming.
To a certain extent he could brush them off. The first few times he could simply tell himself he just needed to try harder. He could pretend that he just hadn’t had his moment yet. They would see, they would all see if he was just given the chance. Though it was getting harder and harder to convince himself of such.
That night, the words had been unexpected and not overtly cruel. At least not in the way he was used to. Maybe that’s why it hurt in a way the others hadn’t before. Because what was Yin Yu supposed to say? What could he even do to prove them wrong? How could he see them as naysayers to put down when their words didn’t seem to come from malice, just a simple statement of fact?
“He’s easy enough to get along with, at least.” One of the servants had remarked.
“That’s true, and a lot kinder than some of the other officials from what I’ve heard.” Agreed another in a hushed tone.
“Of course he’s easy to get along with, what is there to contradict? Have you ever really spoken to Master Yin Yu? It’s like talking to a mirror. There’s nothing there.”
And there it was. So easily stated and unchallenged. Yin Yu had at least hoped in those precious few seconds the words were uttered that any of the other workers standing around would disagree. Maybe not even dissent, Yin Yu would have accepted just non acknowledgment, but they all nodded. They all hummed softly and returned to their work as if the matter had been settled.
That was clearly the answer, wasn’t it? Easy to get along in the way that water is easy to swallow because ultimately it tastes like nothing.
Nothing to not like, but nothing to like either.
Yin Yu sighed, he supposed “not pretty enough to be that boring” would have to be added to the long list of confirmations of what he already knew to be true.
He was sure a younger version of himself would be sent spiraling by that. Now? He looked at the aging woman with a sadness and understanding. Who knows, maybe she was told something similar in her youth.
The black haired immortal began to turn to leave the shop, figuring it was not worth the aggravation.
“What did you just say to him?”
Ah.
He should have guessed his idiot companion wouldn’t be able to leave well enough alone. When Yin Yu shifted to look over his back he saw Quan Yizhen almost trembling with rage. His fists were clenched at his sides, and his bright eyes swam dark with turmoil.
In a different time, Yin Yu would have found the anger on his behalf somewhat endearing. Now? He was just making a scene.
The woman behind the counter pouted slightly and leaned into her hand as she slouched forward. “Aiya, don’t be like that. I was only saying your friend could stand to lighten up a bit.”
Yin Yu reached out a hand to put on the god’s shoulder.
“Let it go, Yizhen. We need to find a place to rest before nightfall.” Yin Yu had hoped that directing the man’s attention elsewhere would do the trick. He was a bit like a dog in that way. Ready to bite one minute, but with the right diversion bounding off tail wagging the next.
It appeared this time the distraction failed because Quan Yizhen continued to stare her down.
“My shixiong isn’t boring. He’s far more talented and beautiful than you’ll ever be.”
The woman only gazed back at him mildly amused.
Oh for heaven’s sake.
“That’s enough, Yizhen.” Yin Yu said abruptly, grabbing the god’s arm to pull him out of the shop. The fool struggled the whole way out too, squirming and scuffling along like a child.
“Ah- shixiong!” He protested once he had been successfully dragged into the street. “Why did you do that?”
Yin Yu stared at him bewildered. What was that he had thought earlier about Quan Yizhen seeming more mature? Perhaps the only fool here was him forever thinking that Quan Yizhen would ever be able to read a situation.
“If you go picking fights with everyone we cross paths with like that we’ll never get this over with, do you hear me?” The older man chided.
“But I was defending-”
“I don’t need you to defend me!” He snapped. The worst part was he instantly regretted it. He had promised himself things were going to be different. How did his shidi always manage to break his temper?
Seeing his sudden anger, Quan Yizhen seemed to shrink back and adopt that signature wounded puppy look. He held Yin Yu’s gaze for a moment before casting his eyes to the ground.
“I’m sorry, shixiong. I… I didn’t mean to cause you problems again.”
Well, at least he felt remorseful. Though now Yin Yu couldn’t help but feel guilty for yelling. He hated it, that urge to comfort him. Even after all this time, he still let himself be bullied into conceding by one sad look from his shidi?
Yin Yu knew how to control the impulse. He simply stiffened and kept walking, giving the silent order for the other to follow. Distraction worked at last, because Quan Yizhen seemed content enough to trail after him.
The woman from the shop, who had stuck her head out as soon as the pair's backs were turned, smiled softly as she watched them fade from view. It looked like things were going to be even easier than she had hoped.