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“This is never gonna work.”
“Relax Russ, it’s gonna work,” Milt said for what felt like the hundredth time.
“No it’s not!” Russ insisted. “No one’s gonna buy us as a couple!”
“Because I’m so far out of your league?” Milt asked sarcastically, thoroughly annoyed by Russ’s insistence on the matter.
Russ laughed. “Oh please. I’m a catch.”
“Of course you are. Who wouldn’t want a mess of surly, insensitive cynicism wrapped in a constant five o’clock shadow.”
Russ turned to Milt, slightly smug smile on his lips. “Well, apparently you do.”
“Obviously there’s no accounting for taste when it comes to love,” Milt replied calmly.
Russ’s smug expression faltered. “Whatever. Let’s get this over with. This tie is trying to choke me to death.”
“It’s tied perfectly. You’ve just become so accustomed to wearing it loosely tied that you’ve forgotten what it’s like to wear it properly.”
Russ ran his finger between his collar and his neck, desperately wishing he could loosen his tie even a little, but Milt had already slapped his hand several times too many. “It’s tied properly if you’re tying a noose.”
“Russ, please,” Milt gave him a look, silently begging for him to stop complaining. “Let’s just try to have a nice evening.”
“Oh, are – are you in character now?”
Milt flashed him a charming smile before walking into the banquet hall full of potential suspects. Russ clenched his jaw. He hated when Milt got ambiguous; it sent his blood pressure soaring and his frustration to entirely new levels. But mainly… it just confused the hell out of him.
Ever since Milt had come to Battle Creek, he’d been giving Russ conflicting signals. One minute, Milt was all business, the next he was throwing out vague flirtations. And then there was Milt catching him in the hall, asking for assistance on a fed case, only to tell Russ on the drive over to the banquet hall that they’d be posing as a couple.
“Russ, come here,” Milt called to him, motioning him over before turning back to the couple he’d been talking to. “He hates being dragged out to social events.”
Russ sighed and made his way over to Milt and the couple. He plastered on a smile for the benefit of the couple he was about to be introduced to.
Milt wrapped his arm around Russ’s waist and pulled him close. “This is my boyfriend, Russ. Honey, this is Mr. and Mrs. Ferris.”
“Pleasure to – uh – pleasure to meet you,” Russ stuttered out, distracted by Milt’s hand rubbing his hip before giving it a couple pats and finally stilling. Russ tried to focus on Mr. Ferris’s lips moving, forming words that he should be listening to, but all he could hear was the blood rushing in his ears. Russ vaguely realized that Mr. Ferris seemed to be waiting for some sort of a response, but all he could manage was a smile and an almost imperceptible nod.
The couple continued talking and Milt made up for Russ’s current complete inability to function beyond keeping a fake smile on his lips. What the hell was wrong with him? A hand on his waist and he completely forgot how to function? He wasn’t that guy. And yet, here he was, barely keeping it together… for their cover story.
“You alright?” Milt asked, looking him over as if he expected to find visible wounds.
“Huh?” Russ asked, coming back to his senses a little. The Ferris couple had left at some point.
“Are you alright? You said hello and then spaced out. Are you not feeling well?”
“No, I’m fine. I just need a drink.” Russ spotted the bar and slipped from Milt’s grasp to get a much needed drink.
The night passed with Milt being an absolute delight – everyone loved him, of course – and Russ being introduced to a lot of people he didn’t want to talk to, mainly because Milt wouldn’t stop touching him. A hand on his thigh, his lower back, his chest while he laughed at a joke that wasn’t even funny, and once, a kiss on top of one of Russ’s hand that Milt had suddenly taken in his own. It never seemed to end. Not that Russ wanted it to, but it was hard to focus on looking for a suspect when he was more focused on keeping his body from reacting in ways that would betray his true interest in Milt.
As the evening’s events wound down, Russ realized that he hadn’t done much of anything to help Milt with his case. He’d seen no suspicious activity (unless you counted an old lady’s wig, which Russ found highly suspicious for some reason), no one fitting the extremely vague profile they had to go on, and he had no clue as to the majority of the party guest’s names or stories. Whether it was his case or not, Russ still hated the thought of Milt one-upping him on anything.
“I got us an invite to a barbecue this weekend,” Milt said happily as he rejoined Russ after saying goodnight to a group of very affluent looking people.
“Does that help the case?” Russ asked, finishing his drink. “Or do you just really love barbecues?”
“A little of both actually,” Milt admitted. “I think the McLain’s are hiding something. This gives us a chance to get close to them again, maybe even search their house if we play our cards right. So don’t make any weekend plans.”
“Wouldn’t dream of it.” Russ stood. “Can we go?”
Milt frowned. “Yeah, sure.”
Silence fell over them as they got into Milt’s SUV. Milt let it be until they hit their first red light. “Is something wrong?”
“No.”
“I think there is.”
“The light’s green.”
Milt let off the brake and continued on towards the department. “Was it something I did?”
“I dunno, was it?” Russ asked, staring out the window, knowing it would piss Milt off.
Milt ran the evening’s events through his mind, searching for anything that could have upset Russ. Only one thing came to mind. “Was it all the touching?”
Russ said nothing. He hated how perceptive Milt was sometimes. As much as he wanted to know where they stood, if Milt was as interested as he sometimes seemed, Russ wasn’t overly keen on having that particular conversation right then. Especially if they had to fake this relationship at least one more time; he didn’t need to know if Milt wasn’t really interested in him and then have to pretend they were a happy couple at some rich person’s barbecue.
“I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable…”
“It’s not that.”
“Then what?” Milt asked, genuinely concerned. “Please, tell me.”
Russ shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “Did you choose me for this case for a reason?”
“I needed someone…”
“No, I mean me specifically.”
Milt tightened his grip on the steering wheel and stared pointedly at the road ahead. “I enjoy working with you.”
Russ stared at him, looking for any signs of lying. He’d jumped down the rabbit hole feet first, there was no turning back now. “Is that all? Because if it is, that’s fine. But if there’s something more… ”
“Such as?”
“You tell me.” Russ set his jaw and narrowed his eyes at Milt. “Out of everyone in the office, you pick me to go undercover with you as a couple? Come on… pretty much anyone would have been a better choice, especially for a social event. And then there was all the touching. And the vague flirting since… well, pretty much since you got to Battle Creek.”
“Are you asking if I’m interested in you… romantically?” Milt spared a glance at Russ to try to assess his state of mind. Russ’s expression didn’t really tell him anything, he mainly looked frustrated and confused.
“I’m not sure I’d quite put it that way, but yes, I’m asking if you’re interested.”
“Are you?”
Russ glared at him. “I asked you first.”
“And if I was?”
“I wish you’d just say so already! I’m so sick and tired of analyzing half the shit you say, trying to figure out what it means. It’s exhausting.” Russ hadn’t meant to say anything past the first part, it had just sort of slipped out.
“I’m interested,” Milt muttered as they pulled up in front of the department.
“Thank you! Was that so hard?!”
Milt parked in his spot and turned to Russ. “And you?”
Russ looked at him like he was an idiot. “You think I would have spent so much time analyzing your vague flirting if I wasn’t?”
Milt smiled. “Since we’re being so honest here… I didn’t exactly need you to go undercover with me as my boyfriend. I just wanted you to. The help on the case was an added bonus.”
Russ chuckled. “Lying to get something you want and help on a case at the same time. That actually makes you more attractive Milt.” Russ opened the door and slid out of the SUV.
“Where are you going?”
“Home.” Russ shut the door.
Milt rolled down his window. “Wait… what?”
Russ walked around to the open window. “You’ve spent months frustrating me… now it’s my turn.” He grinned at Milt before walking to his car.
Milt stuck his head out the window. “Are we still going to the barbecue this weekend?”
“Of course!” Russ yelled as he got into his car. “I wanna finally see what all these barbecues you get invited to are all about!”
Milt smiled as he watched Russ drive away in his crappy car. This was why he liked Russ.