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Langa was quiet, he had always been. Sometimes, people would even joke about not being able to notice his presence if he didn’t announce himself. He had even scared his mom a couple of times, actually. That’s simply how his life had always been; before Reki, that is.
//
It’s been a few months since Reki had asked him to be his boyfriend, and, well, dating Reki was… different, but, at the same time, not really. They still did their usual activities, like skating and lazing around in Reki’s garage; they still went to the skate park almost daily and tried to practice new tricks, and still got together with their friends to hang out at Sia la Luce. So, one could say that, most of the time, they were the same.
But… Not really.
There were certain moments, when the skateboards were forgotten and the sun had already lost itself in the horizon, in which Langa would find himself lost in firm arms and warm lips. Moments when worries were inexistent and reality outside of Reki’s arms felt like nothing but a dull, lifeless dream. Moments when, immersed in loud quietness, Langa saw the sky on Reki’s skin and the stars on the freckles on his face.
Langa would argue even further and talk about how Reki had changed. About how he’d sneak his warm hands in Langa’s cold ones and lightly squeeze them. About how he’d bring snacks for Langa and kiss his forehead. Once, he had even tried to cook Langa a bento; that was when they confirmed that Reki should stay out of the kitchen.
“Yeah, I guess I’d better stick to snacks, right?” He’d said, with a sheepish smile and rosy cheeks.
Even among protests of “stop eating that” and “you’re going to get sick”, Langa couldn’t help but eat the whole thing. He did, indeed, end up sick though, but, if one asked, he’d answer that it was all worth it, even if only for Reki’s shy smile and the hours being spoiled by the redhead.
So, yeah… It was not the same, but it was good. So good, in fact, that it made Langa feel kind of weird — conflicted even — about the fact that “I love you” was never exchanged between them. Couples were supposed to say that, weren’t they? He remembered reading somewhere about saying it too soon being bad an off-putting, but, like, what “too soon” even meant?
Langa had always been bad with complicated things and romantic relationships were not known as the simplest of the forms of human interaction. And, if here were to be honest, all of that was starting to make him feel more insecure than he was used to.
“Am I too plain?”
“Am I too stupid?”
“Am I not good enough as a boyfriend?”
He needed help, that was already established in his mind, but he still didn’t know from whom. His mom was out of question; it’d be too weird. Joe was probably the best option. After all, he’d had a lot of partners before finally getting his shit together and asking Kaoru out on a date, right? He’d probably be Langa’s best bet on finding some answers. With that in mind, the put on the first hoodie he could find while scrambling out of his room.
Sia la Luce it was, then.
//
“Welcome to- Oh, it’s you, Langa.” Joe was, to say the least, surprised at seeing Langa alone there. The kid would usually be accompanied by a loud Reki and a grumpy Miya. The nervous look on the usually stoic teenager made the situation even more uncommon.
“I kind of need help? With something, someone… I don’t know” Okay, yeah, something was definitely wrong with the blue-haired teen, and, well, Kojiro was a protective dad, okay? Even if he was not the group’s teenagers’ actual father, but that was not the point.
“Come here, kid. I’ll whip something up for you real quick and we can talk, okay?” Langa’s shy nod was all he needed to march to the kitchen. He didn’t have many ingredients, but he did have leftover pasta, eggs and cheese — it was an Italian restaurant, for fuck’s sake. He might even have some… Aha! There it is, some guanciale. Carbonara it is, then.
Kojiro went through the motions that were already ingrained into his brain at that point; cutting the pancetta into small pieces, cooking the pasta, mixing eggs yolks with good cheese. It looked good.
“Eat up, kid.” He was glad to see the familiar sparkle in Langa’s eyes when the boy saw the food. Yeah, that was the usual Langa. “So… Do you want to tell me what happened?”
Oh… That was not a good expression on the boy’s face.
“You know… Like, how did you and Cherry end up together?” Langa said shyly. Kojiro couldn’t help but laugh at the question. Oh, boy, that was going to be a long storytime. “Kaoru and me? Wow… Yeah, we go back, way back. So, Kaoru was my neighbor, right? And the Sakurayashikis had always been a really traditional family, you know. Like, just imagine Kaoru, but older, grumpier and with a lot of dumb prejudices; that was his family. So, yeah, my big and loud family was not exactly the loveliest neighbors in their eyes, and that’s when “gorilla”, “dumb musclehead”, “princess”, “four eyes”, etc, began.”
Langa listened intently, as if Joe’s life story with his partner was the most interesting ever told by a human being.
“Surprisingly, we ended up in the same schools, all the way to high school, when we met Adam. Well… You probably see both of us now and imagine that’s how it’s always been, but, actually, in high school, it was very different. Kaoru was a beast back then, wild and beautiful, finally going against his stuck-up family; and me, well, I simply went with it. If he decided he wanted to jump out of a bridge and swim through the river, I’d probably go with him. That’s when I started to figure out my sexuality and understand myself as a bisexual guy, and, also, it was when I realized that I liked Kaoru, much more than I should, probably. But, well, he was always running after Adam, and, at the time, they were both similar, indeed; both coming from traditional families and carrying themselves with all that pomp, while I was, well, the dumb and clumsy kitchen boy, so, when I saw how Kaoru’s eyes sparkled when looking at Adam, I simply… let him go, I guess. You probably think I’m a coward, right?”
“No!” Langa exclaimed too quickly. “I’d probably do the same if Reki fell in love with someone else.” Joe chuckled.
“They looked happy, you know? So, I left… Accepted a scholarship in a culinary school and booked the first flight to Italy I could find. But, when Kaoru called, months later, on a random weekday, crying and babbling about Adam being gone, I listened. After that night, we didn’t talk much. After years, I came back to Japan to open Sia la Luce and Kaoru had become who you know: calm, snarky and elegant Kaoru Sakurayashiki, the esteemed calligrapher and writer. I had changed too. I think that, at some point, we got into a routine that was comfortable enough for both of us, never too close but never too far either. Then, you guys appeared and we finally got our shit together, I guess. That’s it.”
Langa was silent for a few minutes. According to Reki, the blue-haired teen would, sometimes, lose himself in his own head and the best thing to do was to simply show that you’re there and wait. So, that’s what Kojiro did; with a firm hand on Langa shoulder and comfortable silence. Thus, he waited.
Waited…
Waited…
And waited…
“Joe… When did… When did you tell Cherry you loved him for the first time?” Langa muttered.
“Oh… That… I think that at some point in the last few months, actually.” He answered. “But haven’t you been dating for a while already?” Langa asked.
Oh… There is the problem, apparently.
“Is it what’s bothering you, kid?” Langa nodded. “Like, I’ve been dating Reki for a while already, but we never said it to each other. I’ve already thought about saying it, because I love him — believe me, I do —, but, most of the times, I don’t really have a clue about what I’m doing or what I’m supposed to do. Like, is it too soon? Is it too late already? Does it mean there’s something wrong with us? I just…”
Now, Langa was breathing heavily and his eyes seemed overly wet.
“You’ve been thinking about that for a while haven’t you, Langa?” A nod. “Do you want to hear about how it was with Cherry and me?” Another nod. “We were just lazing around and Kaoru’s hair was everywhere and he was wearing the oldest clothes I own, but, to me, he looked really pretty. Then, I said it, and we both froze, and Kaoru answered in proper Kaoru’s fashion, cussing me out with his cute blushing face, but I heard him mutter it back. And it was enough, you know?”
Kojiro looked down to find eyes full of childlike attention focused on him.
“My point is… There’s no perfect moment, Langa, and there doesn’t need to be. Also, love doesn’t need to be spoken to be loud. Like, could you even imagine Kaoru telling me he loves me all the time? Neither could I, because that’s not him, but, ever since we started this officially, I’ve never felt unloved. He always shows me how much he loves me quietly. He tells Carla to scan my health condition daily; he developed a quicker and better system for the restaurant; he always rub my back and order our favorite takeout whenever I have a especially rough day at work. Those are all forms of telling me he loves me, even if they’re not spoken. I’m pretty sure you can also think about how Reki makes you feel loved without saying it.”
Langa could indeed, very easily. He could hear Reki’s love when the redhead spent hours working on his board; when he’d hold Langa’s hands when he didn’t feel really there; when he’d quietly slip snacks on Langa’s desk. Yeah, it was loud enough.
“I have to go.” Langa said, springing to his feet. “Thank you, Joe. Cherry may disagree, but I think you’re really smart too.”
“Good luck, kid.” Joe grinned.
And there Langa went.
//
The sound of wheels sliding on pavement was comfortable to Langa’s ears and the scenery was also familiar to his eyes. His heart was, once again, thundering in his chest. Yeah, he was actually doing it. It was a dumb idea. A dumb, embarrassing idea and too much like something coming out directly from a Disney Channel teenage movie. Well, he and Reki were both dumb and overly emotional teenagers, so he might as well take advantage of that.
Some minutes were all it took for Langa to find himself facing the too familiar window and the hastily built ramp. Oh, fuck… He was actually doing it, wasn’t he? With a final deep breath, he raised his hand and knocked on the window.
Knock…
Knock…
Knock…
His breath hitched when he saw the shadow coming in his direction.
“Langa? What are you doing here? So, that’s what you weren’t ans-“
“I love you!” Langa exclaimed.
“What?” Reki felt his heart skip a beat.
“I love you, Reki!” Langa said, small. “I- I’ve been thinking so much about this and might be going crazy, because I love you, but I feel so insecure and…”
“Langa…”
“And I feel like I’m not enough, and I don’t know if you’ll ever get tired of dealing with me…”
“Langa.”
“I even talked to Joe, because I didn’t know what to do, and he said something about not needing to say it, but…”
“Langa!” Reki exclaimed. That silenced Langa. “Hey… It’s okay, see? I love you too. I’m sorry for not noticing how not telling you that made you feel. Actually, I also didn’t know how or when to say it. Also, you not being enough? What the fuck? Langa, you’re literally the most amazing, kind and gorgeous person I’ve ever met in my entire life. Like, I know I’m not brilliant, but I’d have to be pretty dumb to not be obsessed you.”
And, then, it was just as if Langa’s worries had never existed. Maybe, it was all the insecurity or all the pressure he had been putting on himself, but, out of nowhere, his vision got blurry and his face felt uncomfortably wet. Oh, he was crying.
“Come in, Langa. I’ll put a movie on and we can make popcorn or order something, okay?”
After that, if asked, Langa wouldn’t be able to say what happened. He just remembered being lost in strong arms and spoiled by loving whispers. At the end, Joe was right. Their moments were quiet and their kisses were so soft they might be lost in existence, but their love, no… Their love was loud.