Work Text:
No.
No, she wouldn’t.
Sara is his sister, she would not do this.
Not to him.
—
It was his first day back and he had a plan, avoid Wille as best as possible. He wasn’t exactly mad at him, not really, but it still hurt and he meant what he said. Wille needs to figure out what he wants.
He had been prepared to see him because that couldn’t be avoided since they were in the same class, what he wasn’t prepared for was Felice coming up to him, something along the lines of pity clear on her face “I’m so sorry for what August did to you guys, you don’t deserve it, no one does.”
“What?”
“Oh- I’m- I’m so sorry Simon, Wille and Sara know so I assumed they told you.”
August? It was August?
No wait.
Sara and Wille know. Sara and Wille. Sara.
That can’t be true, they had a pact-a promise, no secrets, and this isn’t something she would keep to herself. He didn’t tell her about Micke but this- this is different no she would tell him.
That’s how he finds himself marching to Manor House, heart in his throat. Sara applied for a grant over winter break and was immediately accepted so she had already started to move in, it was incredibly hard to get in so he always wondered how she got in so easi- no.
She used August.
He pushes the voice back. No she wouldn’t she wouldn’t. She wouldn’t do that. He had to talk to her, she’ll explain and tell him that it was because of her grades, that she didn’t know and held it from him, that she didn’t use it to become a permanent resident- that she didn’t use him.
He quickly finds her room and knocks, she opens and surprise fills her face “Hey Simon, what are you doing here?”
She’s alone. Good.
He pushes past her and goes inside. He hears the door click shut but he can’t bear to turn around and look at her, the idea of it burns his throat and he feels his eyes sting. He needs to see her face when he says
“Did you know?” His voice comes out small. Weak.
Her face falls and that answers his question. She quickly fixes her expression “What are you talking about Simon?”
“Sara, please, please, tell me you didn’t know, tell me that- that you used me-“ his tears fall, hot and burning his face, he feels his throat close up and he can’t continue.
A memory of this happening to him before suddenly springs up, 9 year old him standing in front of Sara, shielding her from Micke’s loud voice, his throat closing up while he tells his dad to back up.
He always looked out for her. He always protected her. He moved into this elite bullshit school for her. He left his friends behind for her.
The one time she was meant to protect him, she chooses herself over him.
“Simon, it’s not what you think I-“ she can’t look him in the eye, her face sinks the same way it always does when she feels guilty “You need to understand, nothing could be done anyways and it was for the best to let it go.”
She doesn’t believe what she says, that much is obvious. His sadness quickly starts to turn to anger, boiling his blood and his voice rises.
“Nothing could be done? That’s not for you to decide Sara! You used me, you chose this life over me.”
“No Simon I woul-“
“You’re no longer my sister.” He spits out. Deep down, he knows he doesn’t mean it, knows that maybe he’ll regret it but he just feels so betrayed that it comes out before he can stop it.
The tears in her eyes fall but right now he wouldn’t be the one to comfort her “What? No Simon please no you need to understand I would never try to hurt you, please let me explain.”
His heart hurt, the need to protect Sara was strong but he wouldn’t, not this time.
Sara was still talking but he wasn’t hearing her, the anger boiling to something ugly- to rage.
He needs to find August. Right now.
He leaves Sara’s room in a blind rage, what time was it now? Where would August be? Rowing practice? No that wasn’t until tonight.
Forest Ridge, its almost dinner time isn’t it?
His steps get quicker, his breathing heavier and all he can think is that he’s gonna kill August, he gonna punch that stupid smug smile off his face. He reaches Forest Ridge and his feet carry him inside, he spots August laughing amongst the third years in the dining room were people were still trickling in. He was laughing, Simon’s world was falling apart because of him and he was here, laughing.
He can’t control his voice or his body as he practically lunges at August “You motherfucker I’m going to fucking ki-“
Just before he can reach him, he’s suddenly pulled back by strong arms wrapping around his middle, arms that he knows but he could not care less right now, all that matters is getting to August and doing something anything to hurt him, just like August did to him.
He thrashes in the arms that keep pulling him back and vaguely hears a “This never happened” thrown out from above him.
He can’t even savor the look of shame on August’s face before he’s being pulled out of the dining room and down the familiar path to Wille’s room.
He’s gently pushed inside and immediately turns to try and leave. He can’t handle seeing Wille right now.
“Wille and Sara know so I assumed they told you.”
Wille pushes him back with a “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”
Oh this is how he wants to play it?
“What the fuck do I think I’m doing?”
“Sara called me, Simon I know you’re upset and you have every right to be- at me, at August, but you hurting him will only get you suspended Simon and I-“
“I DON’T FUCKING CARE WILLE! YOU KNEW, SARA KNEW THE TWO PEOPLE WHO I TRUSTED BETRAYED ME AND LEFT ME IN THE DUST.”
Wille’s face shifts, sadness and regret filling up “I know, I know I’m so sorry I wanted to tell you but I didn’t want you to carry that burden.”
Simon’s anger leaves him and suddenly he can’t breathe.
“You- you don’t get to decide that for me, you” his breath isn’t coming, why can’t he breathe? “lie again and again.”
Is the room spinning or is he moving?
“Simon?”
“You always lie to me and you think you’re protecting me when you’re only causing me more pain.”
Was this heartbreak? No but his heart his already broken. Could the broken pieces of his heart shatter even more?
Wille’s eyes widen and he comes closer, slowly, slowly.
“Simon look at me.”
He can’t, he’s trying to breathe but its coming in short rapid movements.
He loves Wille. Wille left him behind.
He loves Sara, Sara betrayed him.
His dad once told him, when he couldn’t get his fix and was lost in the withdrawal symptoms “You know Simme, maybe if you did something useful for once somebody would actually love you.”
Was it him?
Was he unlovable?
But Wille told him he loves him, he said it quietly.
So no one could hear, because he’s ashamed of you. His mind supplies.
He registers being wrapped in warmth and a pressure on his forehead.
“Simon listen to my voice ok? Follow my breath, come on älskling.” He follows the loving voice and slowly comes back to himself.
He’s kneeling on the floor, Wille’s face pressed against his, tear tracks on his cheeks and eyes are filled with panic and sadness but still trying to offer comfort.
Simon was tired, he was just so tired so he allowed himself to be pulled into Wille’s chest and be held.
“I’m gonna fix it, I swear to you Simon.”
“You can’t promise me that.” Simon isn’t dumb, Wille knows it was August, and if Wille knows that means the Queen knows, but August is still here which means that they chose to cover it up, again.
“I have a plan, I’ll tell you everything ok? I love you Simon.”
I love you too he wants to say, so badly but he can’t, he at least has to protect himself.
Wille doesn’t push him to say it either, he doesn’t say it to hear it back, he says it because he feels overfilled with love and Simon needs to know.
Later him and Wille will sit and he’ll know of his revenge plan on August.
Later Wille will tell him that he will fight for them.
Later he and Sara will have a long talk.
But that’s for later, for now he breathes in the scent of the boy he loves and wills his heart to mend.