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You were in a depressive episode to put it simply. In more detailed terms you hadn’t left your room in five days, hadn’t cleaned yourself up in four, hadn’t eaten in two, and you hadn’t gone to the bathroom in almost twenty four hours. You were exhausted. And, yet, all you’ve done for almost a week is sleep. Well, that’s to say it’s the only thing you’ve acted upon. You’ve been staying up all night staring at the ceiling until the sunlight creeps through your blinds. Only to inevitably pass out from your exhaustion before waking up once it was nighttime already again. The cycle continuing.
There were whispers on the ship. Rumors about whether you had actually died and Beidou just hasn’t said anything yet.
Beidou.
You groan in embarrassment at the thought of how profusely you’re going to have to apologize to her once this is all over. A sudden nagging violent feeling in the back of your mind that just barely enters your conscience before it disappears just as swiftly causes you to ball your hands into fists. Your brain likes to mess with you, negotiate with you. ‘If you end things now you would never have to apologize.’ You groan once again in frustration as you flip onto your stomach and slam your face into the pillow. You yell internally at your mind to shut it.
Beidou understood though by now that letting you wallow in your misery for periods of time was better than forcing you, she learned a while back that pushing you wasn’t something that would work with your personality. You’re already cruel enough to yourself. It only made things worse for you if others are too. You needed gentle tones, as well as someone to help you with patience and a guiding approach.
‘Like a child,’ you think hatefully about yourself. You flinch at the thought.
You know you should get up, you have to go to the bathroom and the smell of sweat is beginning to make you stir crazy. Yet, the meaner you are to yourself the deeper you sink into the mattress. It’s like you’re strapped down and cement has been poured all over your aching body.
You wonder how long this can go on before Kazuha finally grows impatient with you.
A sudden graceful tapping against the door causes you to violently twitch in place. Speak of the devil, you suppose.
“It’s Kazuha. I’m growing more concerned for your well-being, I wanted to make sure you’re safe.”
You don’t know what to say, so you decide not speaking is the best course of action.
“Can you.. please let me know you’re safe?” There’s an edge to his voice. Like he’s worried if he walked in the room he’d find you already slipped away.
A pinch of guilt pains your heart.
You still don’t have the energy to say a word.
“You might just be asleep, but apologies, I’m going to come in. I would like to make sure you’re unharmed.” He gently announces.
That’s when you suddenly feel a rush of adrenaline and flail up to hold the door shut as he tries to walk in.
“Don’t come in!” Your voice cracks.
He stops turning the knob.
His tone is sad as he softly says, “if that is what you wish.”
Your heart begins to break.
“Thank you for letting me know you’re alright.”
Then it shatters.
“I.. sorry. I didn’t mean..” you rush to explain.
That’s when a sudden wave of dizziness takes over you. You can’t register anything Kazuha is saying, if he is saying anything, your vision is fading to black.
You hit the floor, a loud thud echoing throughout the room.
“Hey? Hey, are you alright?” Kazuha manages to open the door, as you landed backwards you’re luckily not blocking it from opening enough for him to enter.
He rushes to your side, you regain consciousness slowly.
“Sorry, guess I got up too fast.”
Your stomach betrays you, growling loudly.
You chuckle nervously.
“How long has it been since you’ve eaten anything?” He frowns.
You don’t want to look him in the eye.
“Like two days..?”
He helps you up and moves you gently with an arm wrapped around your shoulder to the bed.
“If I made you some egg rolls would you be willing to eat them?”
You nod your head.
He smiles at you, “I’ll be right back.”
You rest down on your back against the warm sheets.
He swiftly returns around fifteen minutes later with a plate of divine smelling egg roles in hand.
You devour them quickly like a man starved while Kazuha watches you intensely. He’s sitting next to you alertly and you can feel him glancing at you.
Once you’re done he takes the plate from you and sets it to his left on the bed.
“Will you talk to me.. please?”
You panic a bit, eyes widening at the sudden question. Well, not sudden exactly, you knew it was a question you’d be asked eventually. You were just so hungry you’d forgotten about it. You had prepared for how to respond to it, but in these moments of weakness everything you’d rehearsed has instead flown from your head.
“Sorrow is sometimes a debilitating thing. If you wish to lessen the burden that is weighing on you during this time, I am more than willing to-“
You interrupt, “Kazuha, I really appreciate it, I appreciate you. I just can’t handle the poetry right now.”
This seems to enlighten him as to just how bad things are right now. You always love hearing his poetry. It’s always made you laugh whenever he’s reciting poetry and parts of the crew don’t understand what he’s trying to say. It’s always made you smile when you’ve had a rough day and he invites you to sit beside him, offering to read you his latest works. Usually you end up asleep against his shoulder or with your head in his lap. You’d always wake up embarrassed but he would just smile kindly at you and tell you to pay it no mind. When you had confessed to him, you had done so by offering to recite some poetry one day instead of him. This time a particular piece you had written for him. He had asked for a copy afterwards, and he’d kept it in a safe pocket ever since. You knew it was probably poorly written in comparison to a lot of the things he’d crafted himself, but it made you feel good that he’d not just understood what you were intending to convey but reciprocated your intent.
You pause, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean..”
He rests a hand on your shoulder, “you don’t need to apologize. You have nothing to be sorry for.”
You pull away, “but I do. I’ve been so distant, I haven’t been taking care of myself, I haven’t been doing my part, and all these hateful things racing through my head.” You grit your teeth before continuing, “they’re so selfish.”
Kazuha pauses.
Your brain doesn’t allow you the same moment of silence.
‘You’re making everything about you again. Aren’t you ashamed?’
Your hands go to cover your ears, as if that’ll ease the voices, and all of a sudden your upper body is curled into a ball as you rest your head in your lap.
You start crying, an audible sob betraying you even if you’d had a moment to decide whether you wanted your tears to be a secret or not.
His hand goes to rest comfortably on your upper back, he moves it in circles in an attempt to soothe you.
He begins to open his mouth to speak, but the motion of his hand on your back causes you to panic, to want to flee. Your head shoots up and you flinch back. Under visibly more stress than before.
You bolt up to walk around in circles while scratching your left wrist in a harsh enough motion to agitate your skin, but not break it.
You know it pains Kazuha to see you like this, you wish you could stop it. You wish things could be different.
Kazuha stands up slowly so as to not alert you. “Hey, hey.” He doesn’t move closer, most likely scared of startling you again.
You feel like a wild animal caught in a trap. Even though you know that’s not true. You know he genuinely wants to help you. Deep down. But you can’t help but feel like it’s a trap.
“No one here is mad at you. You’re not in trouble.”
You stop.
“No one here is going to kick you out or make you leave because you’re struggling.”
Ah. Your guard has been up so high you couldn’t see over the top of it.
You look up at Kazuha and let out a sob. He moves his upper body as an invite and you go to wrap yourself between his arms.
“I’m sorry.” You mumble.
“You’re in survival mode right now, but you don’t need to be. You’re safe here. The people here love you as much as you love us. No one here is going to force you to leave just because they think you’re not doing enough. Please, do not feel you have to push us away to protect yourself. We do not plan, or intend, to leave you behind.”
You strengthen your grip and choke back a sob against his shoulder.
“It would mean the world to me if you would tell me what is troubling you.”
You lean back to face him. Kind of awkwardly considering you’re just slightly taller than him, which leads to looking right into his eyes as you pull away.
You go to sit on the edge of the bed and motion for him to sit beside you, he does so swiftly.
“Is it alright if I hold your hand..?” He inquires softly. You nod and he intertwines your fingers with his own.
“It’s a lot, are you sure?” You mumble, fumbling with his fingers as you glance down to the opposite of the side he’s sitting by.
“I’m more than sure.”
You’re not looking at him, but you can tell he’s smiling.
And that’s when you start from the beginning.
You tell him about when you were a child, and you couldn’t say stop as someone took your innocence from you. You tell him how upset you are that your first memory should’ve been one filled with joy or even just boredom. You tell him how angry you are that it’s something that’s caused you to have to fight for each breath instead.
You tell him about when you were only a few years older and someone important in your life left you. You talk to him about how throughout your teen years you were blamed for everything until eventually you just stopped caring about yourself and your own needs.
You tell him about realizing when you were a teenager that you didn’t feel like a girl. That being referred to as one made you feel like clawing your chest out with your bare hands until nothing remained.
You talk until you realize you’ve been talking for far too long.
You panic and shoot your head up, “i’m so sorry, I’ve been talking for too long. I didn’t mean to make-“
You stop when you see the look on his face.
He’s smiling at you fondly as he pulls you back into his embrace.
You grit your teeth at the gentle movement.
It’s not something you’re used to.
It would feel less weird if he was screaming, berating, or maybe even throwing things at you.
The kindness behind the gesture causes you to break into pieces, your grip on him faltering. He moves to where you can rest your head on his lap. Your hands are wrapped around one another and fidgeting while his own hand plays lightly with your hair.
“Thank you.”
The words cause you to lock into place.
“Thank you for trusting me. With everything. You’ve had to handle so much on your own. Thank you for trusting me with all of this.”
You sob much more audibly than you had been previously. You’re so used to saying sorry that you’d forgotten some people will want to help you. That some people will care. Not just because they need you to do things for them, but because they want you to feel okay. To feel happy. To feel loved.
You turn around in his lap to be on your back so you can look up at him.
“You’re so handsome.” He whispers lightly.
Your breath hitches.
“I’m sorry if I don’t say it enough.” He swipes a thumb against your cheek.
You feel yourself smiling a bit as you let out a raspy, “you have nothing to be sorry for.”
His eyes widen a bit at your playfulness and he chuckles lightly. Your smile turns into more of a giggle before the two of you begin laughing in each other’s arms.
You wipe your eyes and sit up to look Kazuha in the eyes. “I love you.”
His gaze turns serious as he says, “I love you more.”
“Uh!” You grab a pillow and whack him over the head. “Lies.” You manage to mutter before your breath stutters at the sight of the fond expression on his face. His hair now disheveled slightly from the pillow attack.
You cover your face with the pillow and blush before your entire face flushes from embarrassment.
“Oh my god.”
Kazuha tilts his head, “what’s the matter?”
You get up and run into the attached bathroom before peeking your head out the door, “I can’t believe I let you near me I smell so bad. Please forget you even ever came in here!”
He sighs and you go to run away when he walks up to you. You squeal as you’re suddenly receiving kisses all over your face.
“Kazuha!!” You groan out, suddenly very unamused.
He lets go of your face.
“Do you feel well enough to bathe now?” He asks you kindly. You can tell there’s no malice behind it. It’s him, after all.
You nod and he steps back to give you space.
“Take your time.” Before walking away he takes your hand and kisses the back of it.
You smile to yourself throughout the entirety of washing up.
Once you’re done and changed, you step outside into your room. You pause when you see Kazuha resting on your comforter. But it’s not the one that was there before. You sigh contentedly upon realizing he cleaned up your room while you were getting washed up.
You go to him and poke his cheek a couple times before he blearily looks up. Your heart warms when he smiles softly at the sight of you.
You chuckle when he mumbles something unintelligible. Probably out of exhaustion.
“Can I stay for tonight?” He says with a bit of a grogginess in his tone.
You motion for him to move over and the corners of his mouth turn up slightly in a happy fashion as you lay beside him.
It’s not long before the both of you drift off.
For the first time in weeks, your dreams are kind to you.