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There are these moments in your life that are ingrained in the small crevices of your mind. Certain memories that are so detailed you remember every person’s face expression, every small movement they made, every emotion that filtered through your soul.
Jeremiah had few of these memories, the day he told his father he’d made it onto the football team. The first time he kissed Belly, his fingers running through her hair as they kissed in what could really only be called her natural habitat; the pool. Tonight though, that would be a night etched into his very last neuron.
He’d been excited for the deb ball in a way he never thought he would be, afterall, he was not one for formal events. But Belly had chosen him. For once it wasn’t Conrad that was the main love interest in the movie, it was him. Him with his goofy smile that made people not take him seriously, him who for the longest time had been as deep in the friendzone as one could get. Now it’s not that he had anything against his brother, well except the attitude he’d gained this summer that was driving everyone up the walls. But, Jere had spent the past three years in a flurry of constant hookups just to ignore the way his heart twisted every time he looked at Belly, beautiful Belly, only to see her staring lovingly at his brother.
His enthusiasm about the night is probably what made it the most painful. That night, which was supposed to be a memory full of happiness and beauty, turned into what was probably one of the most painful days of his life. It’s not like he didn't try to avoid the elephant in the room. Hell, after Conrad brushed him off at the party he’d assumed he’d just been getting caught up in his own head. So what if mom was sleeping more? It was summer, wasn’t it?
At the same time he knew he’d been lying to himself. The signs were there, the fatigue, the bags under her eyes that seemed to grow more prominent every day, and who could forget the copious amounts of weed. In an attempt to keep the night light, to keep his mother happy, Belly happy, because that was his job as the family jester, he ignored the fact that his mother almost fainted in front of his eyes.
He ignored how Conrad seemed almost ready for their mother’s body's betrayal, how Laurel’s eyes crinkled in worry. He ignored how, aside from himself and Steven everyone was treating Susannah like she was about to break. So, he escorted Belly into the deb ball, successfully not rolling his eyes at how long the presentation of the debutantes was, and danced the escort dance. Seeing his mother’s eyes glisten with joy almost made up for the worry that was eating him up, the itch in the back of his mind that something was going on and for some reason or other he wasn’t privy to the secret.
Jeremiah knew he shouldn’t have done it. If he had only waited a few hours he would’ve gotten his answers anyway, and not ruined the ball, or punched his brother and made his mother stand there, in front of all her friends holding two crying teenage boys because the youngest couldn’t keep his hands off her phone. But he had, he took the phone and discovered what was the most earth shattering news that he would have stumbled upon. His eyes scanned the email, the word cancer in bold and taunting him that, while he had spent the summer pining after a girl, even if that girl was Belly, he hadn’t spent time with his mother. He screamed. He knew if anyone walked out to the pool they probably wouldn’t know what to do, hell he wouldn’t either. All he could do was cry, cry for the time he had lost, for the sense of betrayal at not being told, for the fact that the woman that had lit up his life from the day he was born with her radiant smiles had only a short time left on this earth.
It had probably been 15 minutes when he remembered Belly. “Fuck”, he muttered, “The waltz,” he roughly dried up his tears and stuck his mother’s phone back in his pocket. When he finally opened the door to the ballroom a dry chuckle almost escaped him. Conrad was dancing with Belly. Of course he fucking was, and she looked at him like he had hung the sun. They looked to fucking happy. He couldn’t stand it. He couldn’t stand it because his sun’s light was about to be snuffed out and Jeremiah was scared of the darkness. He was scared and envious of his brother’s innocence to the situation. Maybe that’s why he asked his mother to go home. Maybe in some corner of his heart that wasn’t filled by sorrow and jealousy he just wanted to give Belly, Steven and his brother one more night before the truth came crashing down.
But the thing is Conrad knew. He fucking knew and he had just kept it inside, He’d kept it all fucking inside like he always did, and usually Jeremiah did not mind, but when it aftected him as deeply as this situation did it made him want to hit Conrad. So he did. They ended up on the ground in front of hundreds of people and all he could care about was landing another punch. He doesn’t know why he thought it would feel better. How he could’ve possibly thought it would snuff out the fury that took over him, but as Laurel ripped them apart he saw Steven and Belly’s confused faces, Laurel’s resignation and his mother’s anger. Anger that turned into sorrow as his mother was faced with the reality that the fantasy they had been living in was broken, and that as much as they wished there would be more summers ahead of them this was likely the last one they would get together.
At home they don’t even get out of their outfits before they have the inevitable conversation. Belly runs up to her room the moment the door opens, she’d been crying since she’d realized what was happening. Laurel ran up behind her, and Jeremiah could see a tear running down his face too. For some reason seeing her cry made reality sink in even more. Laurel had always been a rock, she was honest and would always be straight up with everyone, but she rarely showed emotion and the tears she let out only pushed him over the edge once more.
He almost didn’t realize he’d collapsed on the floor until Steven was guiding him to the couch, Conrad doing the same for their mother. They both also had tears running down their faces, but they’d always been the caretakers of the group, so it wasn’t until he was hugging one of the couch cushions tightly that Steven asked, “Do you need anything?”. The question was quiet, and based on how his voice cracked at the end Jeremiah knew he was itching to get into Laurel’s embrace. His mother softly declined his offer for help and patted his cheek, before Steven left and then it was only the three of them.
They were quiet for some time, as if afraid to break the crying stalemate that had been reached between them. No one said anything when they all stiffened at the muffled sobs that floated down from upstairs. His mother took Conrad’s hand to stop his trembling and Jeremiah squeezed the cushion tighter. “Mom-” he started, but was incapable of getting out another syllable before the tears once again took over. His mother sighed deeply, “Okay my babies, let’s talk”
And so they did, they had what seemed like the longest most painful talk of Jeremiah’s life. They cried together, and Conrad and him convinced her to attempt the trial. He knew that should’ve felt like a victory, but it just reinforced in him how close he was to losing her.
After the talk they all had dinner. If one ignored the puffy red eyes, runny noses, and the fact they were in formal wear it would’ve almost seemed normal. He was proud of himself when he got all the way through to the dessert before the burning sensation began to build up once again in the back of his eyes and he was no longer able to force his lips upward into a smile. He pushed his chair back suddenly, ignoring how it made everyone jump and mumbled some garbage about going up to his room.
Belly walked in an hour later, possibly because the walls were thin and his sobs were loud enough he wasn’t letting her fall asleep, or maybe because she’d wanted to come into his room since he’d stood up from the table and had decided an hour was enough time to wallow in sorrow alone and they should do so now together. He didn’t care much beyond the fact that Belly was there, and while they both might be crying at least they had each other. “Thank you”, he said softly in her ear when her eyes began to flutter shut the exhaustion of the day setting in, “Thank you for being there”, and as his eyes shut he heard her whisper, “Always Jere”
When he woke up Belly had left from his side of the bed. He’d been moving so much there was absolutely no evidence she had ever been there, and the sheets were twisted around his legs.
He glanced out the window by chance. In an effort to see if the beach would make him miraculously want to rise from the shelter of his bed, and that is when he knew. Deep down he’d known since he saw them dancing at the ball, maybe before that, but it's like the universe had to reinforce the fact that Isabel Conklin had already gifted her heart to a Fisher boy and it wasn’t him. The last ounce of energy left his body, and although he had cried enough tears to refill the pool in their front yard, and had slept over 8 hours, Jeremiah Fisher rolled away from the window tears racing each other to his cushion as he closed his eyes and hoped to somehow erased the past two days that had etched themselves into the crevices of his brain.
Two hours later, when he finally found the energy to walk downstairs, Conrad and Belly were still out of the house, and Steven had gone to visit Shayla and Laurel and his mother were sitting on the couch, wrapped in blankets, watching a movie. His mother turned towards him, had she had such deep bags under her eyes all summer, and asked if he was going out. He tried to ignore the pain in his chest and the tears that burned behind his eyes when he smiled brightly and said, “Yeah I’m meeting a friend to grab something to eat at the diner”
His mother smiled, “Sounds great honey. Take a 20 from my wallet.” Jeremiah nodded absentmindedly, grabbing his car keys and slowly making his way to his car. He did not grab the 20 dollars. He did not meet a friend. He drove to the outskirts of town, where it was just the waves that crashed into the rocky beaches and the road extended from miles on end. If he drove way over the speed limit no one was there to witness it, and if he pondered how fast he would have to go to feel something instead of sorrow, well, no one was privy to his thoughts either. Conrad and Belly had made sure of that.