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It wasn’t supposed to be like this. That was all Remus could think as he stood motionless in front of Sirius’ bedroom door at Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place. Remus still couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that Sirius was no more. He’d died right in front of his eyes, slipping through the veil with a faint smile on his face. Every part of Remus had wanted to go after Sirius and yank him back to life even though he knew that wasn’t possible, so all he could do was stop Harry from jumping in after Sirius disappeared through the veil. He’d already lost a part of himself, he couldn’t lose the kid too.
Remus couldn’t bear the thought of entering the room after what had happened. Except Dumbledore required him to leave immediately for a mission and all his belongings were inside.
He laughed bitterly at the cruel joke life had played on him. Sharing a room with Sirius even after school was over - that’s all he’d wanted since he was fourteen. And when it finally did happen, his Sirius was taken away from him.
After what seemed like an hour, Remus squared his shoulders and turned the door knob. He needed to get this over with fast. He gingerly made his way into the room and bit back a sob. Sirius was alive and in this room mere twelve hours ago. David Bowie’s “Heroes” vinyl was still placed on the record player. There was a half-eaten apple pie on his desk; he was probably eating that before he got notified about Harry.
Remus needed to be quick. He couldn’t stay much longer in this room. There were too many ghosts of memories that had already started to haunt him. He quickly shuffled through the wardrobe to pack a few sets of clothes, taking care to not touch any of Sirius’ and grabbed some important newspaper cuttings and files from the table. He was about to make his way outside when he noticed a cardigan on the bed. His cardigan - the one Sirius liked and wore more than Remus did - the one he was wearing the last time the two of them were in the room together. Remus’ legs felt like lead. A part of him wanted to bolt and never look back but he couldn’t bring himself to take a single step towards the door. So he did what he could. He dropped his bag on the floor and walked towards the bed. Sitting on the bed sent shivers down his spine. His mind was a mess of flashbacks of all the times they’d slept soundly in each other’s arms, of the times Sirius took care of him after a full moon, of the times Remus lulled Sirius back to sleep after some horrifying nightmare, of the times they’d stayed up till dawn talking about life after war.
“I don’t think I want to be an Auror after the war is over,” Sirius hummed quietly, lying next to Remus, his head on Remus’ chest and the latter caressing Sirius’ hair.
“Why not?” Remus asked softly.
“I think I’ve seen enough violence to last a lifetime. After the war is over I’d like to retire to a quiet life with you.”
“Me?” Remus smiled.
“And Harry and– What? Don’t smile like that. I know what you’re thinking Moony. Of course you’ll be there. We’ve spent too much time apart because of our juvenile mistakes. I don’t want us to be apart anymore.” Sirius pouted. “That is, if you want to stay with me too. No pressure though,” he added quickly.
Remus huffed out a laugh, “Sure. I’d like that.”
He’d been in love with that boy for two decades now. He might have been young when he started, but he’d always been sure. There was nothing he wanted more than to be with Sirius. It did surprise him that Sirius had trouble believing that, but time does things to people. If Sirius needed assurance, he’d give him that. After all Sirius had reassured him when he needed it the most.
“Do you think Harry will want to live with us?” Sirius asked in a softer tone as if he dreaded the answer.
“Pads, c'mon. Have you seen that kid? He’s practically dying to live with you. You think he’d go back to the Dursley’s if it wasn’t for Dumbledore? He doesn’t even care that staying here would break the blood protection.”
“Dumbledore. I can really hate him sometimes. I would have brought Harry here against Dumbledore’s wishes because I know we can protect him, but I just don’t want to take any chances. It’s Harry. I couldn’t protect James and-”
“I know,” Remus replied. “It’s okay, we are doing everything we can, Harry is safe at school or his aunt’s house, he comes here occasionally, this is enough for now.”
“I hope the war will be over soon. All this stress is making my hairline go back.”
That successfully cracked up Remus.
“Merlin you cannot be serious for more than five minutes.”
“You know how I am,” Sirius said tickling Remus mercilessly, until he was breathless and Sirius was lying on top of Remus.
“I’m sleepy, good night Moony,” Sirius dropped a kiss on Remus’ forehead and just plopped down on Remus to sleep.
“Aaah go over to your side,” Remus groaned all the while trying to suppress another laughter.
“I’m lying on my pillow, you shouldn’t be objecting,” Sirius replied wriggling down further until his head rested on Remus’ chest again.
“Pads,” Remus tried again.
Sirius only moved his head enough to place a kiss on the scar on Remus’ collarbone and went back to using Remus for a pillow. Sirius did that sometimes, randomly kissing his scars or tracing his fingers over them as if it were art and Remus had slowly learnt not to hate his scars much.
Remus stopped trying to move Sirius and just enveloped him in his arms. If he could pause time, he’d choose this moment. Sirius snuggled in his arms, the moonlight streaming through the windows and bathing Sirius in a milky glow. There was no other sound in the room except for their breaths. He kissed the top of Sirius’ head and eased into the bed.
The hot tears streaming down his face jolted him back to reality. Remus pressed the cardigan on his face as sobs racked his whole body. The cardigan smelled like Sirius and Remus wanted to drown in that feeling. The absence of Sirius physically hurt, like a hole had been ripped in his chest and he was bleeding to death. He was miserable. He couldn’t do it without Sirius. He’d taken a lot of time to accept that Sirius might not come back. It had taken him everything to go on with his life and then Sirius had come back. Remus never stopped loving Sirius, he never could but this time they’d finally sorted things out, this time they finally had each other and Remus didn’t know how he’d ever recover a blow this huge. He probably wouldn’t.
He thought back to the time Sirius had come back almost a year and a half ago. Things had been so awkward. There were so many questions, so many complaints but Remus didn’t have it in him to ask Sirius anything. And then the full moon happened. It was the easiest full moon he’d had in twelve years. Sirius had simply slipped back into his life like he’d always been there.
Remus’ eyes moved around the room against his wishes. The posters of Sirius’ favourite bands and a Gryffindor banner hung on the wall. A low rack was filled with vinyls which Remus had arranged in a colour coordinated manner. The wall above the study table had pictures stuck to it - one of him, Sirius, James and Lily on the last day of school, another of Sirius on a broom, clad in Gryffindor quidditch robes, another of the two of them with baby Harry and one recent one of Remus that Sirius had managed to click when he wasn’t looking. Despite wanting to get away, Remus found himself walking towards them. He was finding it difficult to breathe. His throat constricted as more sobs escaped him, this time louder.
He noticed a sparkly object on the table and picked it up and his heart broke that much more. It was Harry’s gift for his fifteen birthday that the two of them had gotten together. A pocket watch in the shape of a golden snitch. Sirius had been so excited when he found it. “HARRY IS GOING TO LOVE IT MOONS. I’M ONE HUNDRED PERCENT SURE” he’d screamed on his way home. Remus hurriedly put down the gift as if holding it was burning into his skin and bones.
Remus knew that if he stayed in that room for a minute longer, he wouldn’t be able to leave. He wanted to hold on to everything that was left of Sirius but he couldn’t. A lot of lives needed saving. He couldn’t let Sirius’ death be in vain. He picked up his bag and after taking one last look at the room, left through the door, only to come back and put Harry’s gift in his bag too. He’d have to give it to the kid alone. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.