Chapter Text
A bear. That was the cause of all of your agony right now. A strawberry pink teddy bear, impossibly soft with a little white bow tied around its neck. It was a decent size, too, maybe two feet tall. Its black beaded eyes shone in the beams of your bedside table lamp. The embroidered mouth was done up in a small smile. You wanted to punch the smirk off its face. Yep. This pink fuck was the source of your problems. And it seemed to know it. Well, maybe not the source… Speaking of which, you reminded yourself of another person you wanted to punch.
Derek Morgan.
Deciding that the plushie shouldn’t have to endure the brunt of all your frustration, you grabbed your phone from the dresser near your bed and sat back down on the comforter. The padded feeling as you lowered yourself was so pleasant compared to how you felt that it kind of made you upset all over again. Staring daggers at his contact, your thumbs hovered over the keyboard. You hadn’t talked to Derek in a few days, not since the night that everything happened. The night when you got the bear, actually. The bear, the goddamn bear…why did you even bring it home with you? You cursed under your breath and finally began to type.
[This is all your fault.]
The accusation wasn’t true, and you knew it. But there was no way in hell you were gonna talk to the person you were actually upset with. You couldn’t talk to him ever again. Derek’s response was fast, and even though you had instigated the conversation, you suddenly felt anxious to open it.
[what are you talking about?]
[You said that he liked me back.]
[who, reid?]
[Who tf else]
[Yes Reid]
[ok well]
[he does]
[No the fuck he does not.]
[I asked him out the other night and he definitely doesn’t because you know what he said when I did ask? No.]
[He said no, Derek.]
[shit]
[baby, i’m sorry. it really seemed like he had a thing for you…]
[Sure.]
[i wouldn’t have told you to ask him out if i didn’t think he’d say no]
[Well. He did.]
Unsatisfied, you set the face of your phone down on the bed and forced yourself upright, though it was a bit of a task with the weight nestled in your ribs that begged you to let gravity take over. Your eyes scanned your bedroom for something, anything, to get your mind off of the ache in your chest. You made a point to ignore the night sky peeking through the bedroom windows. It was late and you had work tomorrow, but you knew that sleep wasn’t gonna come easy. Just like it hadn’t the night before, and the night before that…
Besides, at work, you would see him . You couldn’t avoid him forever, even as much as you wanted to, and good lord, you were not looking forward to facing him after you had spilled your guts in front of him all over that stupid moonlit pier.
Easy. Weren’t you looking for a distraction?
Your first thought was to find something to read, until you realized that half of the books on your shelf were recommendations from him. Well. That was out, then. Maybe a video game? No, wait, that wouldn’t work either. As you stared down the controller of your console, you could hear the memory of his voice offering you strategies while he watched you play your favorite games. Usually the backseat-gaming annoyed you, especially since the technophobe refused to play any games himself, but now it just made you yearn for a do-over. Tearing yourself away from the thought, you saw a deck of playing cards on your dresser. Perfect. You could just play solitaire. You only got one step towards the cards before your torturous mind made the connection of solitaire, to poker, to long rides on the plane spent playing against the team, to Las Vegas and magic tricks, to fucking him . How did everything remind you of him?
Did anything not hurt to think about?
As much as it pained you, you retreated to your phone again. Derek had sent a few messages in your absence.
[look, i’m sorry.]
[can i make it up to you? pizza?]
[your silence is speaking volumes. sounds like a hungry silence to me…]
[my hand is on the order button. better decide quick.]
Your mouth twitched. You were still mad at him for pushing you to reveal your feelings like that. But…you actually were a little hungry…and if Derek came over now, he’d be here for a while. Definitely long enough to get a shitty sleep before work tomorrow. You convinced yourself that was enough punishment for him and sighed as you typed.
[Fine. Only if you bring drinks.]
[oh, you know i am.]
Half a bottle of wine shared between the two of you later, you were groaning on the couch and covering your face. The heat radiating from your cheeks was caused not only by the alcohol, but by the recounting of the disastrous night that you were just finishing up. The drinks had loosened your lips and your grudge against your best friend, and he’d gotten you to tell him everything that happened. Derek just nodded as you closed out the story with a meek, “And then I went back home. With that stupid bear and nobody else.”
“Wow,” he sighed as he swirled the remaining wine in his glass. “That’s…a lot.”
“Tell me about it. I was there .” You hugged a throw pillow to your chest.
“Kid…” Derek paused as he chose his words. “Okay. From what it sounds like, it could’ve actually been a lot worse. You two hung out. You had fun. You confessed, and he said he wasn’t interested. Sucks, obviously, but he said he still wants to be friends.”
“Yeah, he said that,” you muttered bitterly. “But he’s–he’s never gonna look at me the same way. He knows that I like him. No, no, worse: that I love him. God damn it, Derek, I dropped the love word. There’s no going back from that.”
Derek took another slice of pizza from the box. “So?”
His flippancy annoyed you so much that you sat up to glare at him. “ So I ruined our friendship. We’ll never ever be as close as we were because he’ll be weirded out by me and he’ll be scared of us getting too close. I fucked this up so hard it won’t be able to walk in the morning.”
Derek laughed at your comment, but you didn’t join him. Noticing your disposition, he sobered himself and put a hand on your shoulder. You squirmed at the weight, but didn’t bother to totally shake him off.
“Look, baby. I know Spencer. I’ve known him longer than you have. This isn’t gonna ruin anything between you two. If anything, it’s a hiccup. Just a little bump in the road. Things’ll smooth out sooner or later, even if they’re kinda rocky now.”
“If you know him so well, how come you were wrong?” Your gaze remained fixed on Derek, but it didn’t seem to bother him. He just looked back at you, searching your eyes for…well, something. He squeezed your shoulder.
“Because I’m a profiler. Not a magician.” He leaned back, relaxing his apparent analysis of you. “You don’t have to trust me on this. I wish you did, but I guess I’d understand after what happened last time you took my word. Still: I think this might be better than suffering in silence around him for the rest of your life.”
“Better,” you scoffed, but you couldn’t help but consider his words. Maybe he was right. Maybe it was better to have told him, even if left you in the cold rain of rejection. Hurting. Hollow. Alone. It suddenly hit you just how exhausted you were, and it wasn’t just because you were a tired drunk. Though, that did most certainly have something to do with it.
“Okay,” you mumbled, setting your glass down on the coffee table. “Get outta my house. I gotta sleep.”
Derek laughed a little and checked his phone for the time. “Yeah…I’d rather not start my work week off tired and with a hangover. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay, kid?”
“Yeah, yeah.” You stood to see him out, slouching in your sweatshirt. “Can we, uh, get lunch tomorrow? I don’t really wanna hang around the bullpen longer than I have to…”
“Sure thing.” He smiled at you and you couldn’t help but absorb it. Something about Derek’s company was just so warm, so bright. You even smiled back just a little, despite how you felt on the inside. Even if you were still blaming him just a tiny bit, you found yourself thankful that he had come over tonight.
“Morgan,” you stopped him as he was halfway out the door. You hesitated when he faced you. “Um…thanks. For the wine and stuff. And the advice.”
Derek beamed again. “Hey, least I can do, right?”
He closed the door behind him. You lingered for a moment before shuffling off to bed. You would clean the living room in the morning. Right now, you had to get as much rest as you could. You were gonna need it. Tomorrow, you had to face Spencer at work.