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2021, breaking point
Haechan’s heart aches. He feels stuck into place, his eyes fixed on the scene unfolding in front of him. He wants to look away, but he can’t. His stomach feels tight and there’s an uncomfortable sensation crawling inside of him: a mix of betrayal, embarrassment and unwanted arousal. He wishes he hadn’t left his bed. He wishes he hadn’t drunk so much so he could just go home. Mostly, he wishes that was him instead.
He’s sitting in a large black U shaped sofa, surrounded by his fellow members, in a private room of the fancy karaoke Jaehyun had suggested. A night out had sounded fun. To celebrate the success of their new album, Taeyong had said. One pointed look from Doyoung and Haechan had known he had no choice but to entertain his leader. They all needed to relax anyway. Renjun even agreed to join them. He hadn’t expected it to end up like this.
Mark is standing in front of him, his ears red from the alcohol and all the attention he’s getting. Yuta’s hands are wrapped around his waist. They are both giggling. Everyone is. Except Renjun who is passed out by his side and Haechan himself, who still can’t fully grasp what’s going on. Then, Mark and Yuta are kissing, open mouthed and in between small laughs. It looks hot, it looks wrong. Haechan fears he’s going to be sick.
Logically, he knows they are just playing around. It had been a dare. Jungwoo is even recording the whole thing. At some point, they had all gotten so drunk that inhibitions flew out of the window and the dares between songs had gotten interesting. What started with a predictable “text your ex” had spiraled into “make out with the person beside you”. Still, this doesn’t feel real.
There’s no way Mark simply agreed to do it, with an embarrassed chuckle and a shrug of his shoulders. The same Mark who had stopped talking to him for a whole month when he had tried to kiss him. There’s just no way. And yet, the image of Mark and Yuta kissing is vividly printed behind his eyelids. It looks like something out of his fantasies: Mark pressed against Yuta’s broad chest, a pretty blush on his cheeks, his lips shiny. It feels like living one of his worst nightmares.
The room suddenly feels suffocating, the air too hot, the noises too loud. Johnny is singing an Elton John song he can’t remember the name to, Jungwoo is replaying the video of the kiss for Jaehyun and Doyoung who are sitting next to him. The loud laughing rings in his ears.
Haechan wants to stand up and leave but Renjun’s head is resting on his right shoulder. He forces himself to take in deep breaths.
“Hey, is everything okay?,” Taeyong asks with evident concern on his pretty big eyes, leaning so he can see him clearly despite Renjun’s sleeping figure between them.
Haechan stiffens.
Taeyong was the only one of the hyungs that knew the real reason behind their fight three years ago. He wonders if Taeyong has already figured out what is happening. The embarrassment climbs up his spine at the thought. Was he really that obvious? What if Mark realizes too?
“Everything’s fine, hyung,” he answers, too soon and too defensive. Even through his drunk daze, Taeyong looks unconvinced, maintaining eye contact as if searching for something.
Haechan averts his eyes in the most subtle way possible by reaching out to grab his drink, careful not to let Renjun’s head drop. By his left side, he can hear Mark’s silly little laugh. He feels himself tremble slightly and opts for swallowing his drink in one go. The burn in his throat dissipates his thoughts. He musters up the courage to look back at Taeyong and puts on his practiced work smile.
“We can leave if you want. It’s pretty late already,” Taeyong insists, firmer. Haechan is honestly surprised he’s this conscious. He doesn’t really know what to answer. He wants to go home but he’s afraid his sudden departure will raise questions when tomorrow morning arrives.
He starts to ramble about how he doesn’t want to ruin the hyungs’ fun, but the panic must be obvious on his face despite his efforts because Taeyong gets a determined look and answers with a tone he usually only reserves for dance practice: “We are leaving, Hyuck.”
Haechan feels relief pour all over him and drops the fake smile. “Okay, thank you.”
It takes three full ballads sung by Doyoung for the taxis to arrive. In the meanwhile, Haechan had been pretending to be asleep to avoid participating in any new dares, resting his head on top of Renjun’s and calming himself with his comforting smell. They are both softly shaken awake by Jaehyun when it’s time to leave.
Haechan doesn’t know if it’s intentional but Taeyong is careful to divide the taxis so that he doesn’t ride alongside Mark nor Yuta. It’s embarrassing but it eases his nerves. The entire drive, he forces himself to relax by staring intently outside the window. For the whole 20 minutes it gets to reach their dorms, he allows himself to pretend this is all a bad dream.
He feels seventeen again in the worst way possible. He can't even pinpoint what's the most humiliating part of this situation. Be it the fact that apparently he isn’t over Mark, despite his best efforts. Or the betrayal running deep in his veins. How could he practically make out with another man (even worse, another member of their group) for a stupid bet when he had almost given up their friendship entirely for much less. Was the kiss never the problem, then? Was it always just Haechan?
When they finally get home, Haechan feels his resilience crumbling as he makes a bee line for the bathroom. He has never been more thankful for the way their housing was divided. He already feels weirdly itchy knowing Mark is within a five minute walk. He wouldn’t have been able to resist bursting into his room demanding an explanation if he was next door.
Sleep doesn’t come easy that night, but tears surely do. Johnny is nice enough to not ask him about it.
2018, fear
It’s April and spring is blossoming in full force in Seoul. Haechan hasn’t woken up in such a good mood in a long, long time. Yesterday, their manager confirmed that there were no schedules for today and in the rush of happiness, Mark had accepted to go out with him with basically no resistance. Just the two of them and the cherry blossoms. A scene right out of one of his favorite shojos . Today is going to be great.
Haechan had only realized a couple months ago that the weird sensation that took over his chest whenever Mark looked at him, wasn’t annoyance. At least not most of the time. But, a deep embarrassing desire for his attention, his gaze, his touch. Or in simpler words, a crush. All consuming the way it only can be when you are seventeen.
Still, he wasn’t dumb enough to confess right away. There was too much in stake, including the dynamics of two whole groups. So instead, he had been paying extra attention. He had read somewhere that Gemini folk were good at reading other people. He sure hoped it was an innate ability and not his heart tricking him because he swore Mark looked at him in a completely different way from how he looked at the rest. He got nervous whenever Haechan clung to him, his ears reddening whenever the conversation turned jokingly flirtatious.
It was something. It gave him hope. Fast forward to today and he has secured a date. Well, kind of.
Mark and he had planned to meet outside the dorm building after lunch so they could go on a walk alongside the river. After three outfit changes and five texts begging his manager to let them go alone, Haechan was all ready to go.
It all started pretty normal. Despite their usual bickering, conversation always flew easy between them. There was no time for uncomfortable silence when their lives had been so deeply intertwined for so long. Besides, when it was only the two of them, Haechan could get away with dropping the honorifics entirely and Mark wouldn’t even complain.
They walked languidly until they reached a spot far away enough from other people that they could feel comfortable taking off their reglamentary masks, bucket hats and sunglasses.
The weather was also on their side. It was already past 5 pm so the heat had calmed down to a pleasant warmth that hugged Haechan's skin. The afternoon sun reflected beautifully on the moving waters and a light breeze ruffled through the leaves of the trees, creating a soft background noise that mixed with the birds singing. The world was covered in green and pink.
Mark took DJ duties and started searching for a playlist that would “set the vibes”, in his own words. Meanwhile, Haechan occupied himself emptying his backpack out of all the food and drinks they had packed, including the two peach soju bottles he had borrowed (ok, stole) from Johnny’s mini fridge.
“Dude, Johnny’s going to murder you when he notices those are missing,” Mark says as soon as the first song starts to play. Haechan doesn’t recognize it but it’s soft and melodic, something Mark would play on the guitar when they spend a lazy sunday together.
Haechan grins. “Don’t worry, he likes us both too much to get really mad about it. I bet he would even cover for us with Taeyong hyung.”
Mark shakes his head. “I can’t believe we are about to commit a criminal act in public.”
Haechan rolls his eyes in response and takes out his keys to open the first bottle using a trick he saw on YouTube. He manages to do it surprisingly easily and when he looks back at Mark, he catches him already staring, evidently impressed.
“You are so dramatic,” he answers while taking a small sip, feeling brave from the attention. The bittersweet taste lingers on the back of his throat. He has never really drank before, excluding celebratory toasts, and it feels exciting to share this new experience with Mark. “Law is arbitrary, you know. And anyways, don’t you Christian kids drink wine?”
Mark frowns. “That’s, like, sacred. And I only had half a plastic cup for my communion.”
Haechan hums, as if contemplating. “If Jesus was Korean, soju would be sacred too.”
They both giggle at the bad joke and Mark leans closer to him to grab the bottle from his hands. Haechan watches him as he drinks, hyper conscious of how close they are in this new position. Once he’s done, Mark returns to his original place and smiles at him. “If you are going to make me commit blasphemy, at least get me drunk first.”
Oh , Haechan likes where this is going.
It takes them about thirty minutes to finish the first bottle, both of them just taking small sips in between bites of the convenience store gimbap they brought. It’s barely any alcohol but their inexperience and the afternoon breeze have both of them already a bit pink on the cheeks.
Turns out, Mark gets clingy when he’s happy drunk. Not that Haechan is complaining.
Halfway through the second bottle, he decides that personal space is an outdated concept, sitting right next to Haechan so they can watch the way the sun sets in the distance. They are touching everywhere like this. Their arms and legs pressed together. It’s a lot for Haechan’s heart.
It gets even worse when Mark rests his head on top of his, humming softly to the lame Bieber song that is playing in the background.
They are so close, Haechan can’t even feel guilty for the way he is breathing in his scent. The air between them feels charged, electric. Or is everything in his head? The sunset isn’t helping to calm down his racing heart, only adding to the dreamy scenery. His brain is telling him to do something very dumb like lean in to kiss Mark’s neck. Or even worse, raise his head a bit and join their lips together.
Then, the universe conspires against him and the music shifts to Frank Ocean’s Forrest Gump.
“Bro, I love this song, what the hell,” Mark says, way too excited for the chill mood they had established. Haechan startles and lets out a small surprised laugh. Mark shifts to be able to sing properly, his head no longer resting on top of Haechan’s. He misses the feeling immediately, but it is fun to see Mark so happy. He looks young and careless in a way their branch of work doesn’t allow them to be often.
Even with his frankly poor level of English, he has listened to this song enough to be able to make out the chorus, so he follows along with Mark when it arrives.
You run my mind boy, keep running through my mind, boy.
His brain short circuits as soon as he realizes what he’s singing, who he is singing it with. He can’t help but think this is a sign. There probably won’t be a better moment than this. So, here goes nothing.
Emboldened by the soju and all the coincidences, he turns in his seat and kisses Mark with his eyes shut tightly. It’s just a slight pressure against his lips, but the anxiety amplifies every sensation.
It's Haechan's first kiss with a boy. Another first that Mark gets to take.
For a moment, there’s no change. Haechan anticipates. His rapid heartbeat rings loud against his ears, making Frank Ocean’s words even more unintelligible. He’s still conscious of the soft tremor of the river’s water and the constant chirp of birds in the distance.
Then, Mark tenses and his stomach drops. The planet seems to pause on its axis.
Oh no . It was all in his head .
Mark stands so fast, Haechan can’t help but admire his coordination even with the alcohol messing up their senses. There’s dread spreading all over his body. Mark hasn’t said anything yet but he already feels defeated, humiliated. Still, he raises his head so their eyes can meet.
It’s a mistake. He only finds anger and confusion looking back at him.
“Hyuck, what the fuck was that?”
Panic runs through Haechan’s spine. He promptly decides the best way to prevent any further damage is putting on his best poker face and pretending that this isn’t a big deal for him. He shrugs as he answers, with faked calmness. “A kiss.”
Mark looks exasperated. “Why would you do that? Are you out of your mind?”
“It doesn’t have to mean everything,” the silence lingers, uncomfortable and heavy. Mark must have been conscious enough to stop the music because all he can hear now is the other boy’s labored breaths. He didn’t get to listen to the last chorus of the song, “Hyung, I was just playing around.”
The honorific seems to irritate Mark even further. “Playing around? Hyuck, what the hell.”
“I said it doesn’t have to mean anything.”
“You are being insane. Why would you joke like that?”
“Just forget about it. Why are you making such a big fuss?”
The anger deepens in Mark’s face. He’s frowning and the pink in his cheeks, once cute, is quickly turning to angry red. He kneels down to grab his phone and all of his stuff. Haechan just sighs and decides to lay down and close his eyes again. No point in participating in this anymore. He has already ruined everything.
“I’m going to my parents. Tell the manager that I got sick from the food or whatever. Don’t mention this to anybody, Donghyuck, I mean it.”
A deep shame settles in Haechan’s stomach. “Fine.”
After one last indignant stare that Haechan pretends to ignore, he’s gone for good.
The sound of Mark’s footsteps against grass lingers in his ears for a long time. He waits till the sun has completely set to collect enough courage to rise to his feet and face this new reality. A world where he not only has been rejected by his first real crush, but he probably lost his best friend too. The dazing happiness he had felt from the soju is long gone, he feels tragically sober.
Thankfully, the manager that comes to pick him up doesn’t question his made up excuses for Mark’s absence and drives in silence all the way to the dorm.
They don't speak again until May is almost over.
now, revelations
Back in 2018, they had successfully ignored each other for a month before Taeyong decided he had had enough of their bullshit and cornered them, one by one, to find out what happened. After a very humiliating crying session with his leader where he had poured his heart out, Taeyong had sat them down before practice and made them promise to try to fix things.
Neither of them apologized, really. Not for the things that mattered. They just decided to leave it behind for the sake of the group. And eventually, their dynamics went back to a semi normal state again. After a while, Haechan was even able to touch him without feeling panic rising in his chest.
He’s expecting something like that to happen when he stops replying to Mark’s texts the morning after the fatidic night out. Promotions had already finished anyway so Haechan was eager to hide in his parent’s home until his heart stopped aching.
What he doesn’t expect is Mark showing up at his door only four days into his infallible plan of ghosting him.
“Hey.”
“What are you doing here?,” Haechan deadpans, ruder than he expected. He hopes the anger can hide how miserable he feels.
“Why are you ignoring my texts?”
“What are we, twelve? I was busy.”
“You’ve been playing League of Legends for three days straight and don’t deny it because Jeno can testify.”
Haechan huffs. “I don’t want to talk to you.”
“But why? Hyuck, I’m sure whatever it is, we can sort it out.”
Haechan huffs again, but stretches to grab his keys from the bowl next to the door and closes it behind him. “Let’s go somewhere else, if my mom finds out you are here, she will make you stay for lunch. There’s a park nearby.”
They walk in silence until they reach a bench in a quiet enough place. There’s barely anyone this early. It’s only them and an old man walking his dog, too far away to even notice them.
“So, what happened?,” Mark says as soon as they are both seated.
“You really don't know?”
“No, I literally don't. I came all this way here because you won't tell me.”
“Fine.”
“So?”
He takes a deep breath before answering. The irritation is evident in his tone. “You kissed Yuta as if it was nothing.”
“Oh, that was a dare.” Haechan glares at him and Mark rises up his palms against his chest in a sign of peace. “Hyuck, I’m not following. Why would you be mad about that? Is it because of how it will affect the group? Hyung doesn’t even like me that way, or men in general…”
Haechan interrupts his rambling. “Mark, when I kissed you, you stopped talking to me for a month. An entire month.”
As soon as he finishes talking, he feels the sting of tears behind his eyes. The wound of their prior fight opens and bleeds all over again. He breathes in and out to calm himself down. He’s determined to only express anger.
Mark’s mouth opens and closes a couple times. Realization drawns on his face. Haechan hates himself a little for thinking he looks cute like this.
“Well, you didn’t talk to me either,” Mark answers pettily, in a reflex. Haechan’s irritation spikes and he readies himself for a messy fight. But soon, a solemn expression takes over Mark’s features and he continues speaking, his tone serious. “I’m sorry, Hyuck. I think I never said it. I’m sorry I couldn’t take it as just a joke back then. I’m not like, shit, I’m not like Ten hyung who has always been so sure about who he is and what he likes…”
“You mean you are not gay,” Haechan interrupts and immediately regrets it with how immature he sounds. Mark looks taken aback for a second.
“What? I mean, it wasn’t easy for me to figure out my sexuality. It was scary. Kissing a boy was a big deal for me at eighteen. I had barely kissed anyone at that point. I just… I couldn’t believe you would do it just for a laugh. Still, I’m sorry I acted in such a childish way. I’m not proud of the way I reacted.”
Haechan’s irritation fades, shadowed by his disbelief. “Figuring out your sexuality?”
“I’m trying to apologize here.”
“What is there to figure out?”
Mark twists in the way he does when he is uncomfortable. “Well, you know, dude. I’m bi.”
“What?,” he answers, very eloquently.
“I’m pretty sure you know the definition of bisexual.”
Haechan's brain turns to mush for the second time this week.
“What the fuck.”
“This isn’t going where I thought it would go. I’m not sure why you are so scandalized, Ten basically raised us.”
Haechan lets the silence linger between them as he gathers his thoughts.
Mark coming out to him changes everything and nothing all at once. All these years since the fight, Haechan had both comforted and tortured himself with the belief that Mark was just a straight boy. Unreachable, someone he would never stand a chance with. Ever since that awful kiss, he hadn’t allowed himself to think of the possibilities. But if he likes boys, it’s impossible not to. It changes things. Hope is growing in his chest whether he likes it or not.
Although, there’s not only hope inside of him. If Mark had liked boys all along, that simply meant he did not like Haechan back. As awful as it is to think, a part of him wishes the rejection had been because of his sexuality and not specifically because it was him. Mark coming out now changes nothing because he still didn’t like Haechan back then and he most likely doesn’t like him now, either.
His brain is going a hundred miles an hour. He’s anxious and terrified. But, still, he can’t help but empathize with Mark, too. He had kissed him without thinking about how it would affect him, too caught up in his own fairy tale. And they were both so young.
Haechan raises his eyes from the floor and looks directly at his best friend, only to find that he’s already looking back. He looks scared, exposed. He is suddenly aware that Mark probably doesn’t know he likes boys too.
Despite the chances of ruining their friendship again and all the fear and embarrassment, he loves him too much to deny him of the truth any longer.
“Mark, that time, it wasn’t a joke. I kissed you because I wanted to.”
It’s Mark’s turn to say. “What?”
“I had the hugest crush on you. I had made up this idea in my head that we were on a date and you looked cute and you were singing Forrest Gump out of all the fucking songs in the world. So I wanted to kiss you and I did.”
In all of these years together, Haechan hasn’t often described Mark’s face as unreadable but he really can’t pinpoint what his expression means. He looks surprised, yes, but there’s something below it. Haechan tries his hardest to control the hopeful part of him.
“Hyuck, if this is another joke…”
“Mark, I have liked you since I was seventeen. Maybe, even before. I thought I was over it, but clearly I’m not.”
“Hyuck, I…” Mark stays silent for what feels like a hundred years, Haechan tries to distract himself by pointedly looking at his shoes and ignoring the panic churning his insides. When Mark speaks again, it’s in a voice he has never heard before, soft yet firm. “I think I liked you too, back then. I sort of, wow, this is embarrassing. But things changed after I met you. I swear no one had ever made me feel as mad as you did.”
“Geez, thanks.”
“Let me finish,” he cuts, not falling for Haechan’s attempt to lighten the mood, “I mean, I think I truly discovered an entire new side of myself because of you. That vaguely sounds like I’m blaming you for my bisexuality. Sorry, what I’m trying to say is, I started questioning everything because of the way you made me feel. But I wasn’t ready to face it yet at eighteen. When I thought you were just joking, it felt as if you were mocking me. I thought maybe you had noticed something and were just teasing me to see how I would react…”
Haechan shakes his head vigorously. “I would have never done something like that. I’m sorry too. I wasn’t brave enough to tell you how I felt, I was mortified and I just wanted to hide. I’m very sorry for making it look like it was all a game to me.”
“It’s alright, Hyuck, I’m sorry for taking it so badly. We were kids then, we didn't know better.”
Mark smiles at him, tenderly, and links their hands together. A comfortable silence settles between them. Haechan feels light from the shared confessions. He hasn’t experienced this level of catharsis since he came out to his parents. It’s almost a strong enough feeling to forget that Mark had only spoken in past tense.
“I will stop ignoring you, hyung. Just promise that you won’t resent me for my feelings. I will try my best to get over it.”
Mark’s face twists in an ugly way that would have made Haechan laugh if his throat didn’t feel like cotton candy from the effort it had taken to finally express his feelings out loud. The older adverts his eyes, focusing in a distant spot.
“This doesn’t feel real.”
Haechan nods, agreeing but too worn out to keep talking. It’s bittersweet to know that Mark liked him too. He will need time to mourn a first love that never was. But for now, he is content with their new shared intimacy. Abstenmindetly, he rubs his thumb over Mark’s, waiting for him to continue.
“You know how when they finally told us we were ready to debut, there was a next step where we actually had to agree to sign our contracts. I don’t think I’ve ever made such a hard decision in my life. If I said yes, I could have everything I ever dreamed of. But there was no coming back from it. I realized how scary it is to finally get what you have always wanted. To see the possibility to make your dreams come true and jump to take it.” He pauses to regain his breath, still avoiding eye contact. “I sort of feel like that right now.”
Haechan makes a confused noise, not sure where this is going.
“For so long, I wanted you. I saw you date other people. Which, by the way, I finally understand why your ex-girlfriend never liked me.” He lets out a nervous laugh and the younger squeezes his hand to encourage him to finish his idea. “What I’m trying to say is I’m afraid of telling you how much I love you because I know there’s no turning back.”
A gasp escapes Haechan’s lips. He’s so stunned by the confession, he can’t process any other emotion yet. Much less form a coherent thought, so it’s Mark who keeps talking for the both of them.
“But Hyuck, I don’t want you to get over me,” he says, finally meeting his eyes. “Do you wanna take the risk with me again?”
This time, when they kiss, they meet in the middle. It feels scary, it feels perfect. And it's all that Haechan ever dreamed.
Later that day, while they are cuddling in Haechan’s twin size bed from his preteen years, after a very long family lunch where they couldn’t avoid smiling whenever their eyes met, Mark says, in between soft kisses:
“You know, I’m very happy we figured this out. I really missed listening to Forrest Gump.”