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Dustin was selfish. Not in the way a lot of people thought of the word, but selfish nonetheless. He had always been known for his tunnel vision, always focusing on himself and the people he cared about only. Sure he’d had saved the world multiple times at this point but honestly he hadn’t saved for everyone else. He had saved it because it was a puzzle placed in front of him. A problem to be solved. So even after alternate dimensions, monsters, and evil Russians. Even after so many people had died. He still did his hair for the Snow Ball. He had still gone to summer camp and kissed a girl for the first time. He had still mostly worried about his Latin grade and about making sure his Bard stayed alive in the Hellfire campaign. He was able to because despite all of that him and all the people he cared about were alive and okay. But now, now they weren’t and suddenly everything that he had pushed aside had come crashing down around him.
Maybe some part of him should have been prepared for this, he knew the odds of doing the things he did and having everyone make it out unscathed was slim to none. Still every time that they managed just that, that some plan they came up with actually worked he grew more confident. Dustin always knew he was smart; he had been told by almost every adult he talked to that he was. A “too smart for you for your own good” always following it. But Dustin was smart enough and his friends had done the impossible enough times for him to start to believe they always would.
He still remembered the only time he had thought differently was the first time. When they had pulled “Will’s” body out of the quarry. He remembered the shock and horror of seeing his friend's dead body. Of actually think that Will was dead. But even after that Will survived. Mike survived jumping off a cliff, Eleven survived fighting the Demogorgon and came back stronger. Somewhere along the way he had begun thinking that they were invincible, real heroes destined to save the world and triumph every time.
So holding Eddie as he bleed out in a hellscape was a type of helplessness Dustin had never experienced. It started the moment Eddie had cut the sheet tying the portals together and it had yet to go away. Dustin was used to being able to do something. Even in the face of the end of the world he was always able to do something. But for all his brains and all his plans the only thing he could do was cry and scream as the light left Eddie’s eyes. He couldn’t fix it then and he can’t fix it now. Eddie’s dead and there wasn’t a goddamn thing he could do about it.
The first couple days he had tried to push forward just like he always had. Tried to fulfill the promise he had made to Eddie. He had volunteered with Steve and Robin. He had greeted his friends when they had come home. Hell, he had even told Eddie’s uncle the truth despite it feeling like he was the one dying instead. But slowly the weight had creeped up on him. The weight of Max’s condition and seeing Lucas still holding out hope. The weight of everyone still believing Eddie was a murderer after he had died to save them all. The weight of limping everywhere as a constant reminder of how helpless he really is became too much. Slowly but surely he stopped leaving his room, stopped answering the phone when he knew his friends were calling to look for him, leaving his mom to answer to tell them he wasn’t there or asleep. He just stopped. The world had stopped spinning in every way except literal, and he didn’t know how to start it again.
It was yet another day of not leaving his room when Dustin’s walkie crackled to life.
“Um, Henderson? I have no idea if I'm using this thing right but I haven’t heard from you in a while and nobody is picking up your phone. Let me know if you can hear this.” There was a pause before the voice continued. “Shit what was the thing I’m supposed to say when I’m done. Over?”
Dustin stared at the walkie for a while. He figured it was only a matter of time before people started to question his absence. Hearing Steve's voice had sent a jolt through him, a reminder of the world outside his own head. He knew could just ignore the call. Steve was stubborn but even he would give up if he didn’t get a reply. Still part of him wanted to answer, he missed his friends, he missed Steve. Despite being the one to isolate himself in the first place he didn’t want to be alone.
Dustin sighed and picked up the walkie. “This channel is supposed to be used for emergencies only. Over.” His voice was rough from underuse. He realized he hadn’t talked to anyone in days.
Steve's reply came quickly over the walkie. “Oh hey man! Yeah I know that, but I've been knocking on your door for like five minutes and the ice cream I bought is definitely melting. So this was the only thing I could think of.”
Dustin didn’t know whether to laugh or scream. Of course Steve was outside. Dustin looked out his window and sure enough Steve was outside his door walkie and bag of aforementioned ice cream in hand.
“Henderson? You still there? I’m serious about the ice cream man. I paid good money for that shit.”
Dustin picked up the walkie. “You didn’t say over. Over.”
“Shit right well over, ok over. Now would you open the door.”
Dustin sighed again. There was no ignoring it now. “Yeah, yeah I’m coming. Over and out.”
He made his way to the front door and let it swing open. Steve stood before him with playful annoyance written all over his face. “You know for how long that took you I shouldn’t even share this.” He lifted the bag he was holding in his hand to emphasize his point.
Dustin stepped aside letting him in and closed the door behind him. “What are you doing here Steve?” While Dustin was pretty sure this was Steve’s form of an intervention he couldn’t help but ask. His voice sounded flat even to him but Steve didn’t falter.
“Well I was thinking we could have a movie night. Plus I actually convinced Robin to let me borrow her copy of A New Hope. I swear she hoards the damn thing, just because she likes to drool over Ca-Harrison Ford.” Steve cleared his throat. “And I promise I won’t even roll my eyes when you try to explain whatever the hell cyber crystal is. Which really is a once and lifetime opportunity. So what do you say?”
Dustin knew an olive branch when he saw one. Steve wasn’t exactly one for being subtle. Still he couldn’t find it in himself to send him away. One movie worth of pretending like the world hadn’t ended. There were worse things.
“It's a kyber crystal and it is cool.”
Steve's face broke out in a smile at his reply. “Yeah, see exactly like that. Alright you grab some bowls and spoons and I'll set up the TV.”
Dustin did as he was told. It took him longer than he would have liked with his limp still limiting most of his movement, but eventually settled on the couch next to Steve. Steve must have noticed as well because as soon he sat down Steve spoke again. “How’s your leg feeling by the way?”
“It’s fine.” Dustin didn’t want to tell him that it still hurts all of the time and sometimes when he lies in bed it doesn’t just hurt it aches. He doesn’t want to tell him that he’s scared of when it does stop hurting and he loses the last real physical evidence that Eddie existed or the fact that sometimes the pain is the only thing that grounds him in the real world. He doesn’t want to tell him any of it. Yet he desperately wants to tell him all of it. So instead he focuses on the TV and the rolling of the opening credits.
Steve only nods, following Dustin's eyes back to the screen. He gestured towards the screen with the spoon he was now scooping ice cream with. “You know how to lose your audience of non nerds in the first 10 seconds of your movie? Make them read three paragraphs to understand what the hell is happening. I mean seriously what movie has required reading.”
“I thought you said you weren’t complaining?”
“I said no eye rolling, there’s a difference. I don’t think I could get through one of these without complaining.”
Dustin huffed a reply and took the bowl ice cream offered him. He wasn’t hungry but he didn’t have the energy to deny it. Instead he just let the bowl of it steadily melt in his lap.
Fifteen minutes into the movie Dustin had realized he had made a mistake. He thought he would be able to do this. To be able to pretend but he couldn’t. Couldn’t deal with Steve looking over at him with concern when he thought Dustin couldn’t see. Couldn’t pretend he had any interest in Star Wars or anything for that matter anymore. Couldn’t stop thinking about Steve's face when he found him in the Upside Down cradling Eddie’s body. Couldn’t stop remembering how Steve had carried him back to the trailer and how Dustin had let him. How he had buried his face in Steve's shoulder had hoped that it wasn’t true and just like always Eddie would pop up and be okay despite the fact that they were actively leaving his mangled body behind.
Dustin needed this movie to be over. He needed Steve to stop looking at him and to leave. He needed to be able to breathe and close his eyes and not have Eddie unblinking eyes staring up at him.
Finally the ending credits played and Dustin placed his untouched bowl on the coffee table. He sat up quickly expecting Steve to do the same but Steve didn’t move.
“Look Henderson, so I might not have been completely honest with you about the reason I’m here.”
“What, about the fact that this was a complete ruse to get me to talk about my feelings?”
Steve opened his mouth to say something before sighing. “I was that obvious, huh?”
“You’re always that obvious.” Dustin urged him up off the couch and towards the door. “But seriously Steve I’m fine ok?”
Steve held his hands up in surrender but allowed Dustin to nudge him towards the door. “Yeah, yeah I know that and I don’t claim to know shit about shit when it comes to emotions. But I am worried about you man, we’ve seen a lot” Steve winced. “A lot of messed up crap and all this is just the latest installment but I just wanted to check in on you.”
Dustin steered him to the door and shoved his back towards it as he spoke. “And you did just that and I appreciate it. But I’m standing here telling you that I am fine. You can go okay?”
“Ok, ok, I’m going, I’m going.” Steve turned to face him. “Look, I'm just sorry, okay?”
Dustin let his hands drop to his sides. “What?”
Steve didn’t meet his eyes as he spoke. “I’m sorry you hurt your leg and I’m-“ Steve cleared his throat. “I'm sorry about Munson and for the fact that I wasn’t there.”
Dustin felt a pang in his chest at the mention of Eddie’s name. But what the hell was Steve talking about?
Steve looked at him as continued. “But I swear Henderson, if I could pull some magic bullshit and have him be here and actually understand the plot of Star Wars with you instead of me I would.”
Steve laughed a little to himself. “But unfortunately you’re stuck with me. I’m here if you need me though, just call ok?”
Steve ruffled Dustin's hair like he always does and smiled at him. “You know I’m always down to help you little shits. Being Hawkins best babysitter and all.”
At that Steve turned to leave but Dustin just stared at him.
Maybe it was the fact that he just lost Eddie. Or that he didn’t even really think about the fact that he had almost lost Steve the exact same way till he saw Steve’s wounds at the hospital. Or maybe it was inevitable anyway. But hearing Steve say that if he could he would rather him be dead then Eddie and knowing that he meant it causes something in Dustin to just fucking snap.
“Are you fucking kidding me right now?”
Steve's eyes widened “What?”
Dustin wanted to punch him. He also wanted to get on his knees and beg him not to die because if he lost him and Eddie he’s pretty sure he would just throw himself into the quarry. But right now he was angry. Steve's words had chased out every last bit of emptiness in his body and left nothing but white hot rage.
“I said how fucking dare you imply that my life would be better if you had died?!”
“Dustin that’s not what I meant-“
“No, Steve, I think that’s exactly what you meant! You constantly act like no one would give a shit if you died and I’m fucking sick of it!” Dustin was seething but he couldn’t stop, he needed Steve to understand just the thought of him dying made Dustin want to puke.
“Eddie dying was one of the worst things that has ever happened to me but never for a second did I ever wish that it was you! Are you serious?”
“Dustin-“ Steve tried to cut him off again but Dustin wasn’t done.
“No,ok? No Steve, I’m going to keep saying it till you get it through your thick skull. I need you! Ok? I need you! I don’t how you convinced yourself otherwise whether you just chalked it up to hero worship or whatever, but I do!”
The thing was that this was always something that Dustin had figured about Steve. While Dustin walked around fighting monsters because he thought he was invincible, Steve threw himself in front of everyone because he thought he was expendable. But concrete proof that Steve actually believed that, Dustin could not let that shit stand.
“I didn’t become friends with Eddie to replace you ok? Eddie wouldn’t and couldn’t do that. I still think you are as cool as I did when I was twelve! And despite you not knowing what a hobbit is, it doesn’t matter because I still fucking love you!”
Dustin felt the tears well in his eyes but he pushed forward. “I love you and I loved Eddie and my life would be just as fucking miserable as it now if I had lost you instead!”
Dustin was crying in earnest now and he felt a sob building in his chest. “So please-“ Dustin's voice cracked on the word. “Don’t say it would have been better if you died. Cause it wouldn’t have been. It wouldn’t have.”
Steve stared at him in shock as Dustin started sobbing. He hadn’t cried this much since Eddie had died and he couldn’t stop. He felt like a little kid, he didn’t want to think about Steve dying or anyone dying. He just just wanted everything to be okay.
Steve seemed to snap out of his trance as he approached him. “Whoa, whoa Dustin, Dustin it’s okay.” His voice sounded slightly horse.
Dustin couldn’t take it anymore. He threw his arms around Steve and buried his face into his shirt. Steve huffed at the impact but he didn’t budge, his arms quickly wrapping around Dustin.
“I’m sorry kid, I’m sorry. I won’t say that okay, I won’t say it.” Steve's voice was barely above a whisper as he talked into Dustin's hair. That somehow just made Dustin cry harder because god he had missed Steve, he hated being alone and on the worst week of his life he had hated it more. Steve just rubbed circles into his back and rested his head on top of Dustin’s. So Dustin just let himself cry and allowed himself to be held because right now they were both safe and they were both alive and he was done taking that for granted.
Eventually Dustin sobs evened out into the occasional sniffle but he still held on.
Finally Steve's voice broke the silence.
“Man, Mordor sucks.”
Dustin turned up to look at him. “Do you have any idea what that means?”
“No clue.”
Dustin felt a laugh burst through him. It was wet and it hurt after all the crying but it was there. Steve laughed too, his characteristic smirk now on his face.
“Ok now that it’s decided that I know nothing about Mordor let’s go sit down. Standing on that leg for this long can’t feel good.”
“It hurts so much Steve.” While his leg really did hurt at this point he wasn’t just talking about it.
Steve's face softened before speaking “I know buddy. I know.”
Steve clapped his hands together. “But here’s what we are going to do, we are going to get Tylenol for your leg and get some real food for you.”
Steve sat Dustin down on the couch as he started heading for the kitchen. “Because knowing Ms. H she definitely made you food before she left.”
“There’s meatloaf in the fridge.”
Steve snapped his fingers before he grabbed a glass and started filling it with water. “Perfect, we are going to have some of you mom’s famous meatloaf and when we are done we are going to finish the ice cream while you explain to me how the evil dude in the cape couldn’t find his son when they didn’t even bother to change his last name.”
Steve rounded the couch before handing Dustin two pills and a glass of water.
“Sound good?”
Dustin nodded, not trusting himself not to cry again because that sounded amazing. “Great, now take those they should help with your leg.”
Steve watched him swallow the painkillers before taking the glass and heading back to the kitchen. “You know for how smart you kids are, your guys' self preservation skills are alarmingly low.”
“Self-preservation? That’s a big word for you, you got a word a day calendar or something?”
“Oh shut up man.” Steve was back to a state of perpetual annoyance but Dustin could hear the smile in voice.
Dustin just sat and listened to the sound of Steve heating up meatloaf. He and Steve were okay and for now the weight he had felt since Eddie’s death had lifted slightly. So he just sat here and let the world spin for a little bit longer.