Chapter Text
Why does Kim have to continue tearing open the wounds in his heart? Why does he need to pretend to care about him when he tried to stop that other man from giving him those drugs?
Why does he keep giving him hope?
“Whatever I do is my business! Please stay out of it!” He yells at Kim.
His heart says otherwise. ‘Please don’t.’
A small part of him had wished for Kim to refute that, had hoped he would say something, anything , that would assure him that he cared and that it wasn’t some sort of obligation to protect him as someone whose brother was associated with the Theerapanyakul group. Or even worse, just out of guilt for not telling him the truth sooner.
They say actions are supposed to speak louder than words, but Chay wanted words of reassurance from him.
‘Please tell me you still care about me.’
However, what Kim tells him next makes him lose all hope.
“From now on, whatever you do is your own damn decision!” Those harsh eyes glaring back at him made him want to curl up into himself. Chay couldn’t recognise the kind-hearted Kim or Wik (or whoever he was) anymore.
‘Oh, so that’s it?’
Then Kim had abruptly left him (again), not even giving him a chance to fight back.
He leans over the nearest wall, stomach churning after the confrontation (or it could also be the alcohol, he doesn’t know, he just feels like shit).
“Hey Chay, are you okay?” His friend suddenly appears, with a worried look. He doesn’t allow his friend a proper glance of his face, not wanting him to see his teary eyes.
“I- I need to leave,” Chay races out from the bar (which the exit fortunately happens to be facing the correct direction), ignoring his friend as he calls out to him.
He disregards the feeling in his stomach at the moment, ignores the aching in his heart.
He runs as fast as he can, zig-zagging his way through different pathways, until he reaches a quiet alleyway, certain that his friend would have lost him.
He leans over placing his hands over his knees as he takes time to catch his breath. When the adrenaline rush from earlier in his body has finally dissipated, he comes to the realisation of what he could’ve consumed if he hadn’t come in time. And even though he was the cause of his most recent actions, he realises right then that he’s almost ruined his own life…all because of some guy who doesn’t love him back. He had thrown away his opportunity at a reputable university all because of this one guy who played with his heart.
‘Oh God, what have I done?’
He doesn’t remember eating much before going to the bar, but he finds himself vomiting the full contents of his stomach. He feels a headache appearing as he looks at the mess in front of him with blurry eyes.
After wiping his mouth, he takes his phone out, finally turning it on with shaky hands. He doesn’t want to talk with anyone - if he could, he’d rather run away and never have to face any confrontations - but he thought of his brother.
Multiple calls and messages appear, mostly from his brother.
He bites his lip, trying not to break down as he returns Porsche’s calls.
Porsche picks up immediately.
“Chay? Where are you? It’s so late!”
Porsche’s worried voice makes the tears fall down his face.
At least there was one person who seemed to genuinely care about him, and that was all that should matter. With his heart still hurting, he knows it’ll take time to fully convince himself.
“H-Hia? Can you come p-pick me up?”
“Are you alright? Why do you sound like you’re crying?”
“I...it’s a long s-story.” He tells Porsche where he is, knowing he doesn’t have to wait long before he gets there.
As he waits, he tries to figure out how to tell his brother about his actions. He doesn’t want to, but he knows he needs to explain what’s happened.
“You did what?” Porsche screeches, forcing Chay to move out of his brother’s embrace. He glances at his brother nervously as he shifts on the shared couch in Porsche’s room.
“I’m sorry Hia, I…thought it didn’t matter anymore. I just thought…why would they accept me, I probably don’t have what they’re looking for.”
“But by not attending the interview, you didn’t even give yourself a chance!” Porsche looked so disappointed in him, he had to avert his gaze to the floor so he couldn’t feel more guilty. He feels his tears threaten to pour out again. His brother had sacrificed his own childhood to get him some good education, he should’ve recognised that.
“And you were so excited after they sent you the email for the interview,” When he faces his brother again, Porsche has narrowed his eyes, “What made you change your mind? It cannot be just insecurities, I know there’s something else.”
Chay releases a shaky sigh before confessing everything - the initial meeting with Kim as Wik, the tutoring, his own confession (he doesn’t mention the kissing or the cuddling), and finally, the rejection.
His eyes stray toward the ground again, but he doesn’t miss his brother’s clenched fists through his blurry vision.
“Wait…my brother did what?” Kinn up until this point had been sitting around trying not to engage in their conversation.
“Did you know about this, Kinn? I swear-’’
“No, definitely not. The only time I ever associated Kim with Chay was when Kim saved Chay, after he was taken by Tawan’s men. Kim told me he’d passed by when he saw Chay being taken. But I didn’t know anything about these…interactions. My younger brother has never told me anything regarding Chay.”
“Then if you don’t mind me, I’m gonna kill him! Where is he?” Chay tries to stop Porsche from racing out the room when Kinn grabs his brother’s arm first.
“Let me talk to him. Even though he hardly tells me anything, he would never spend this much time with someone to gather information. He’s usually very quick...”
Chay’s heart leaps at the little hope Kinn is giving him, but he knows there’s only so much he can handle at the moment. And if Kim continues to treat him so coldly, he doesn’t know if he’ll be able to take it.
Chay also feels bad for putting Kinn in such an uncomfortable position.
He shakes his head, giving his brother’s boyfriend a small smile. “No, you don’t have to. I’m not sure why he had to do that, but I would like to leave it behind in the past.”
“Hia, I don’t want you holding any grudges against him. Please don’t hurt him,” He sniffs, his hands trying to wipe his tear-filled face. Porsche pulls him back into a hug, rubbing his back and allowing him to hide face in his shoulder.
“I’m mad at him, but I won’t, for you.”
“I...would also like to leave this place behind, maybe go back to our old home. Or maybe not, since h-he knows of the place. Maybe I can rent a random apartment? I r-really don’t want to be around him.”
His brother is not happy. “But I can’t guarantee your safety if you move out. You should stay just here. We can tell him to stay away.”
“Besides, my brother rarely visits here. You will unlikely see him.” Kinn tries to help.
“Please let me move out. If not, you know I’m capable of just running away.” He doesn’t mean to make his brother feel like he has no other choice, but Chay cannot be around Kim - at least not without the fear of breaking down again. He looks at Kinn, “and even though Kim doesn’t visit, there are many traces of him here.”
“I cannot let you go back there on your own.” Porsche says, “maybe I can go w-” and before he can continue, Kinn cuts him off.
“Hang on, I have an idea. Chay, you still have a chance to go to university. You can still attend the partner university in Hong Kong.”
“But how? I didn’t attend the interview.”
“You can always tell them you had an emergency you had to attend to. We can back up your excuse. They would be willing to give you another chance. Or with your exam scores, you can always apply for another university over there.”
“But how do we keep him safe?” Porsche asks.
“I will arrange for security when I arrange his apartment.”
Porsche starts to protest, but Kinn continues. “My dear, it’s the best scenario I can think of. Chay can avoid Kim and I will make sure Kim won’t be able to find him. This will be our secret.”
“Let’s go with your idea,” Chay says. Porsche only mutters a reluctant ‘fine’ before making him promise to call him at least once every night.
He manages to negotiate to make it every 2 nights.
He would make the most of it, work hard and make his brother proud. He would attempt to heal himself from the heartache and use this pain to make himself a better person.
He tells himself that he should never have gotten close to him, should never have put the younger in a position where he could be in danger.
He had only meant to investigate Porsche, figure out the relationship between their parents and his father, and then cut ties completely with Chay.
But somehow, Chay had completely ruined his plans by finding a way into Kim’s heart, and he knows that he’s fallen deep for the other. He had come to care too much about him, especially after Chay had been kidnapped by Tawan’s men.
For that reason, Kim had to push him away to keep him safe, because he doesn’t know what he’ll do with himself if Chay is in danger again.
But hadn’t meant to yell at the Chay that night at the bar. After hearing from his friend about Chay’s absence at the university, he had wanted to apologise to Chay for being too harsh the other day, and to convince him to reschedule the interview with the university.
However, the image of Chay almost consuming some unknown illicit drug had him seething. He could not believe that Chay would resort to this, that he would throw away his life like that. He had been so disappointed with Chay’s actions that in his anger, he had once again hurt the one he deeply cared about.
He knows he has to talk to Chay, to tell him he hadn’t meant any of those words, and get him to attend the interview properly. His university would be missing out on an extremely talented candidate.
He tries to call Chay, but he doesn’t pick up his call. He understands Chay may be upset at him, but he was trying to fix this.
‘Please answer. Come on, Chay.’
He tries again two more times before resorting to messaging him.
‘Where are you? We need to talk.’ He texts Chay. He waits patiently for a reply when he sees that his message has already been read.
His heart drops when he receives a reply, but not one sent by Chay.
‘You have been blocked by this number.’ He can’t stop the frown forming on his face as he reads the message over and over again, as if waiting for the words to suddenly change.
‘Isn’t this what you wanted?’ His mind unhelpfully supplies.
Yes, but he hadn’t expected it to hurt this much.
Realising the words on the screen will not change, Kim looks up, biting the inside of his cheek as he tries to stop the tears forming.
He even tries to use a burner phone to call him, but Chay had probably figured out he would try that and had already turned off his phone.
What can he do now? He definitely could not ask for help from Porsche. He’s not sure how much about their relationship Chay had told him, but he hadn’t been sent any wanted notices from Porsche yet. And once he knows, the older Kittisawasd brother would probably kill him before he’d ever reveal Chay’s whereabouts.
He throws the discardable phone to the ground, watching it break into pieces…just like his heart.
Kim resorts to looking at the box of polaroids Chay had given him, which he looks at when he misses him. The box has remained in the corner of his desk’s drawer since his first confrontation with Chay.
His heart aches as he sorts through the pile, reading the loving messages Chay had written above them.
A tear suddenly falls onto the message above one of his favourite photos of them together. He hurriedly dabs at the tear, upset when he sees the droplet has ruined the message - ‘I want us to be together everyday’ has now become ‘I want us to be’.
Nonetheless, he continues staring at the photo with a sad smile, trying to engrain Chay’s smiling expression in his mind. The memory of one of his happiest moments spent with Chay hits him like a wave, and his legs give out beneath him. Kim leans against the wall for support, slipping down until he reaches the floor.
He pulls his knees up to his chest, pressing the polaroid against his heart. “I’m so sorry,” he chokes out through his tears, mumbling those words over and over again like a mantra.
With contacting Chay a failure, day 26 apart from Chay (he totally has not been counting at all) had him finally visiting Porsche at the main house to explain himself.
In response he had received a punch to the jaw (which he knows he deserves) and a string of curses calling him an idiot. Of course, Chay’s own brother was already involved with his family, so it would not have made much difference to the danger he could be exposed to. Additionally, the revelation of their father possibly being involved with Porsche and Chay’s parent’s death should have been something discussed between them, not have Kim hiding it away from them like the ‘coward’ he was, according to Porsche.
(Porsche is not wrong at all, he indeed is a coward.)
Instead, by breaking his heart and pushing him away, Kim had almost pushed Chay into a life of rebellion and drugs, and almost ruined his future. He’s glad that Chay was off somewhere getting a good education, but he had been deeply ashamed of his actions, and wants to make things right again between them.
Chay had never unblocked him, but he probably changed his phone in the process anyway.
No one can reveal his new number, because no one except Porsche and Kinn had access to it. Khun had later told him that even if he did have it - despite feeling a little betrayed that he couldn’t be trusted with Chay’s number - he would never reveal it to Kim after knowing how he’s hurt his poor, sweet Chay.
He wants to re-answer the question Chay had asked him the other day (because yes, he’s come to terms with the fact that he genuinely cares about him, always has), but can not seek any information on his whereabouts.
Any information he tries to search up about Chay had been redacted, surely ordered by his brother. Kinn had also kept assigning him random tasks under the guise of helping their family business, but Kim knows they’re mostly to deter him from finding Chay.
A few days later, in private, he tries again to press Kinn to reveal Chay’s location or number, but still doesn’t get the response he wants.
“I can’t tell you, Kim. I’m sorry, but I’ve already made a promise to both Chay and Porsche not to reveal anything to anyone else. No matter what you say, I still can’t tell you.”
Kinn turns away from him, a sign that the conversation is over, and he should leave.
He’s tired.
He’s so tired of having to keep this façade going on.
Kinn turns back upon hearing his pained gasps, eyes widening at the sight of Kim in a kneeled position on the polished marble tiles.
”Please,” his shoulders rack with sobs and he’s knows being pathetic, but he feels so helpless. He feels like he’s out of options. What can he do to make Chay come back to him now, to give him another chance?
He’s pleading for his brother to tell him, to help him fix up this mess he’s caused. This is not the first time he displayed his tears in front of his brothers, but it had been a long time since the last instance...back when their mother had passed. However, his brother has never witnessed him beg before.
Kinn only shakes his head, pulling him back up so he’s sitting next to him on his couch.
“He’s safe, Kim,” Kinn had said after comforting him until he’d run out of tears to shed, “that’s all I can tell you.”
Safe…at least he is safe.
“Let him be, Kim. Give him time to heal,” his brother advises him, “and if after he finishes his studies, you still deeply care about him, then you can prove it to him when he comes back.”
Kim, though initially reluctant, decides to take his brother’s advice, also accepting the extra tasks his brother assigns him when he’s not busy with his music. At least he can distract himself from thinking too much about Chay.
And when he asks Kinn over the next few years about the younger’s safety, he thankfully receives the same response.
Chay is still safe, and hopefully happier without him meddling in his life.
Chay’s casually browsing on his phone when he hears his brother’s voice. “Chay!”
Porsche, along with Kinn, had decided to personally come to Hong Kong to bring him back. Chay had just graduated with a double degree in commerce and music, done through an accelerated program, which had meant he only needed just under three years.
He hugs his brother tightly, missing his warm embraces.
He’s finally back and plans on staying.
Porsche had also informed him earlier the truth about their parents’ deaths and the involvement of the previous generation of Theerapanyakul brothers. He’d missed out on the action, but the relevant perpetrators had already been taken care of, so the brothers were at least able to find some closure.
He also wonders how he’s doing. He would be lying if he said he hadn’t thought about him occasionally (okay, more than occasionally).
Kinn hadn’t updated him much about his younger brother (although he never really asked, anyway), but Chay had heard from Porsche about him being occupied with some tasks relating to the family business, along with a few small concert appearances around Asia.
(He remembers a university friend inviting him to see Wik somewhere about an hour away from his campus and having to lie to him about being already occupied with something else. He had immediately checked with his brother to make sure Kim would not find him.)
He wonders if Kim had even attempted to find him over the last three years. He still has not unblocked Kim on his old phone.
“Aria didn’t come with you?” Kinn suddenly asks him, breaking him out of his thoughts.
“Uh, we actually broke up…a few months ago actually,” Chays says, not missing the glare Porsche throws at his lover, “but it’s okay, we’re still good friends. She said she’ll come visit another time.”
During his time in Hong Kong, he’d been in a few relationships here and there, but none of them had ever lasted long. Most had realised at some point that Chay wasn’t completely committed to the relationship. It was in his most recent relationship (which even got his brother’s approval), that his significant other, Aria, had made him realise if he didn’t love her, it would be better to let her go instead of making her suffer in what she had felt to a one-sided love. He’d deeply cared about her, but could not love her back the way she had loved him.
Therefore, they had decided to break up. But he had been honest and opened up to her about what caused him to be this way, and he’s grateful that they could stay as close friends.
A small part of him somehow understands why Kim may have dumped him. If Kim had stopped caring about him, maybe letting him go was the better option (despite his approach being nothing but painful). But Kim is still reason why his relationships have never worked out, and he still has plenty of unanswered questions.
He’s frustrated that he can’t stop thinking about him, even after all this time.
He had already asked Porsche, before he left for university, to hide away all the photos, all the items Kim had gifted him, including the guitar. (He could not bear to destroy them, so thought hiding them away had been the better option.)
He had tried to convince himself it was just ‘puppy love’ for his idol, but had soon realised his feelings for other man were deeper than he’d expected.
Maybe he’s not ready to go back yet, maybe he needs more time, maybe he should just-
“Chay? Are you okay?” His brother has grabbed onto his hand, looking at him worriedly. He can see Kinn’s concerned glance behind him.
He gulps. “Y-Yeah, just thought I forgot something, but it’s nothing.” Porsche doesn’t seem convinced, but he quickly changes the topic.
”Anyway, what took you two so long? I thought private jets were supposed to arrive faster?”
“Well, uh,” Kinn scratches the back of his neck, “there was some turbulence.”
Oh.
“Okay, never mind, pretend I never asked.” Porsche snorts at his reply.
Chay ends up spending most of his time on the jet catching up with his brother and Kinn, trying not to think about how to react if he ever crosses paths with Kim after all these years.
Their meeting again is inevitable, but he needs to be prepared.
Chay is leaving the bar, after hanging out with his colleagues after a long day (and yes, he had made sure to stay cautious of random people drugging him - his brother had only reinforced it multiple times after he had told him of that specific incident), when he bumps into someone.
“Sorry,” he glances at the stranger’s face, freezing when the flashing lights from the front of the bar illuminate the stranger's face. The other person’s eyes widen in recognition, seemingly shocked as he is, but before he even has time to open his mouth, Chay has already raced out the bar.
He tries to drown out the voice calling out to him and manages to flag a car in time, urging the driver to get going as fast as he can. He ignores the knocking against his window, forcing himself not to look until the car has left its spot.
Once he knows he’s in the clear, he tells the driver the address to his apartment, one he’d been able to rent out for just himself (after convincing his brother, who still insisted there be at least two bodyguards around), so he could get to work easily and live life as normally as he can.
Chay leans against the car seat, mind racing over the possibilities he could have faced if he hadn’t escaped earlier.
It’s too soon, he can’t face him yet.
Kim curses, ignoring the random onlookers. He’s certain that’s him. Even though his face had lost some of its fat and he’d grown taller, he thinks he can still recognise him.
He takes his phone out of his pocket to call his brother. He doesn’t even wait for Kinn’s greeting, getting straight to the point.
“Chay’s back, isn’t he?”
He hears a sigh from the other end of the line, probably already expecting Kim to call him.
“Don’t do anything stupid.” His brother simply says. He’s not sure if he can promise that.
“Where is he?”
“I’m sure you can find that out by yourself. I won’t stop you this time.” Kinn hangs up.
Sure enough he’s able to track down the driver who picked Chay up only moments ago and figure out based on the driver’s route tracker where Chay had been dropped off. If only he can distract the apartment landlord, he’ll be able to find out from her documents which room Chay has been staying in. Or he can probably order the bodyguards outside to tell him, who would probably report him back to Kinn or Porsche, but he isn’t worried.
He just wants a chance to speak to Chay.
Chay releases a huge sigh of relief when he enters his apartment.
He flops onto his bed, staring up into the blank ceiling.
He hates this feeling, hates having to avoid him like a coward.
Chay had told himself that he would face Kim the moment he sees him again, but the part of him that was still hurt by the older all those years ago, had held him back.
He tries to convince himself that next time he’s forced to see Kim, he’ll talk to him properly. He’ll have Kim answer all those unanswered questions still burning at the back of his brain.
His mind continues to think of all the ways to confront the older man (or how to react if Kim confronts him of his whereabouts), of how each scenario could go depending on what he said, and when he finally falls asleep hours later, his last thought is still, of course, of Kim.
A couple of knocks on the front door awakes Chay from his slumber.
He groans, turning on his side to look at his phone. Who would bother him at 7AM on a Saturday?
He sees the low battery percentage, realising he’d forgotten to charge it last night. He quickly puts it in charge before answering the door.
“What-”
Nobody’s at the door.
He peeks outside, looking in front, right and left down the corridors and does not see anyone in sight. Only a large trolley with cleaning materials is seen in the distance, in the hallway perpendicular to his room.
Hmm, maybe it was a prank, or a mistake? He shakes his head and closes the door.
He’s still tired and doesn’t really have any plans until later this evening, so he doesn’t think much of it and decides to just have a few more hours of sleep.
He tries not to think about Kim.
Chay leaves his apartment, trying to rush to work.
He’s running late.
He’s still reeling at the revelation that his neighbour did not leave him delicious food and snacks outside his door over the last few days. He finally had the opportunity to thank his newest neighbour, but instead getting a confused stare in response, saying she would not have had time to do something like that.
The notes had said they were from next door though.
But when he scrutinised the handwritten notes again last night, he realised that they had looked familiar. He hadn’t seen his handwriting since the time they’d written a song together.
Why hadn’t he thought of it sooner?
It suddenly made sense that everything that was left at his door were things he knows Chay likes - he wasn’t that close with his neighbour.
Of course Kim had figured out where he was staying.
He had spent the entire night laying in bed thinking about him again and in turn had overslept.
When he reaches the main entrance of the apartment block, he notices a person standing around as if waiting for someone, back facing him. One glance at the person’s long hair and leather jacket already tells him who he is.
He really shouldn’t be surprised that Kim was able to find him.
He gulps as Kim turns around, feeling his heart rate increase, but manages to look straight into his eyes.
He tells himself to calm down. You can do this, Chay.
“How have you been?” Kim tries to smile at him, but it’s awkward and it doesn’t quite reach his eyes.
Chay doesn’t smile back, his face remaining stoic.
“What do you want?” He’s surprised by the harshness in his own voice. Even Kim visibly winces at his words.
Kim opens his mouth, but nothing comes out.
Chay furrows his eyebrows as stares the older man up and down, waiting for him to speak.
He really doesn’t have the time to wait, however, he doesn’t fail to notice Kim twisting the rings on his fingers.
Where had the usual cool demeanour disappeared to?
“We..need to talk.” Kim finally utters.
But Chay shakes his head. “I have somewhere to be.”
“Can you just hear me out for a moment?” Kim takes a step towards him, but stills when Chay moves back.
“Not today, I really need to go now.” He feels his phone vibrate in his pocket. That’s probably his supervisor wondering where he is.
“Wait, I can take you wherever you need to go. We can even talk in my car.” Kim gestures to his car parked a few metres from where they’re standing.
No way is Chay going to reveal to the other man where he works. He knows Kim can use his resources to find that out too, but he isn’t going to make it easy for him.
He can’t say he has a short temper, but he seems to be running out of patience today. Yes, he wants some answers, but there’s no time to talk with Kim right now, and he doesn’t need to make his supervisor wait for him any longer.
(And deep down, despite knowing he should get all his answers, he still doesn’t know if he’s truly ready to sit down and speak with him.)
“No,” he simply tells Kim before attempting to walk away.
A firm grip around his arm stops him. “Chay, I just want to explain-”
Chay rolls his eyes, using his other hand to free himself from Kim’s grip. He shoves the other away, causing him to stumble, though Kim manages to catch himself. “Did you not hear me? I have to be somewhere! I have no time right now!”
His outburst results in a flinch from the other, Kim’s eyes wide in shock.
He’s ashamed to admit a small part of him rejoices in the hurt expression on Kim’s face.
Is he being a bit too harsh?
He’s about to apologise for the outburst, but then he remembers the harsh words Kim had said to him the first time he’d confronted him, and thinks that this moment does not compare to how miserable Kim had made him feel at the time.
Chay continues on his way, his back now facing Kim, but pauses. He sighs, knowing that Kim will likely try again soon. “Please, don’t try to follow me. You said so yourself, everything I do from that day on is my business, correct?”
“Oh, and please stop sending me food.”
He doesn’t wait for Kim to respond. He jumps into the car he’d called earlier, leaving behind the other man.
If the driver notices the tears falling down his face, he doesn’t say anything, and Chay is grateful.
Kim can only stand there, frozen in his place after Chay rushes off.
“You said so yourself, everything I do from that day on is my business, correct?” Chay’s words pierce into his soul, replaying in his mind over and over again.
Only after a stranger accidentally bumps into him on their way into the apartment block, does he finally snap out of his pitiful daze, long after Chay has left.
He sits in the comfort of his car, leans back against his seat, and squeezes his eyes shut. He brings his hand up to the place where Chay had shoved him, right near his heart.
Kim knows he deserves it, but it still hurts seeing Chay looking at him like that, with so much hatred.
He quickly wipes away that annoying tear threatening to slip out.
He isn’t going to give up on Chay, but he will respect the younger man’s wishes for now and not follow him.
It’s still early in the day, but Kim needs a drink.