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The thing about scars is that they aren’t always visible, or even physical. Sometimes, they come from experiences, ones that you might want to just leave in the past.
For Evan Buckley, the scars that couldn’t be seen on him ran deep.
A large majority came from his childhood. Every moment that he was treated differently than Maddie - a burden, a waste of potential, a failure, all words thrown at him one time or another - cut deep. His classmates would treat him terribly too, because he never would invite them over, and he could never attend anything that wasn’t during regular school hours. The only time that changed was because of football, though he always knew he was held to a separate, impossibly higher standard by his absent parents.
Maddie leaving him behind had added a wound he never spoke of. He had been so happy that she was getting out, getting away, but at the same time, she was going with Doug of all people. And she couldn’t, or wouldn’t, take him with her. When she left his life after he started traveling, it still hurt, but those scars didn’t ache. Not after a while.
Even after finally finding something for him to be passionate about, it came with people leaving scars on him. Yes, he played up that jock, playboy persona. It was what got him through the academy unscathed for the most part, while also pulling in the highest classroom scores in years. But behind every near perfect score came comments that hurt. His classmates were ruthless in how they tried to cut him down for every little mistake he made, even when he quickly corrected it. Nothing like they treated each other.
Starting at the 118 had been the best day of his life, even if he had a lot to learn. And learn he did. He absorbed the knowledge his coworkers gave him as fast as he could, taking notes after calls and quietly studying during his off hours. Sure, he lived in what could only be described as a frat house, but he used that time wisely to save. But because of his experiences back at the academy, he hid his studying away, making it look like he was merely texting his latest “fling of the week” as Chimney once mocked.
That didn’t change the fact that not everyone really liked him. During those first few months, Buck quickly learned to not just drop random tidbits of trivia, except when it was absolutely relevant. Someone would always cut him down about it, sometimes viciously. They gave him life advice, sure, but his own suggestions would normally be discarded.
He never told anyone just how much it had hurt, those first few months. He kept it to himself. He kept everything to himself, even when he shouldn’t have.
But it all came out after the catfishing nightmare.
After having every single person on shift completely turn their backs on him during that whole incident, Buck had become a shadow of himself. Yes, he had been a bit of a player, but he had standards and lines he never broke. He was loyal to Abby, which didn’t seem to mean much after that humiliating lunch. Listening to everyone making cracks about him needed to keep it in his pants, even after they found out the truth about the catfisher, had been the final straw.
By the time the last poor girl had come around to get revenge for her jilted heart, and Buck managed to calm her down with the proof he’d compiled to prove his innocence, he realized that he was only two weeks away from finishing his probationary year. He should have been excited, planning for his friends and family to join him at his badge pinning ceremony. Instead, he was sitting in the locker room, contemplating whether transferring to another house was an option, if he even got his badge.
Was he going to get his badge? No one had brought it up at all.
As if he’d been summoned, Bobby appeared, poking his head into the locker room. “Hey Buck, you okay?” A quiet Buck wasn’t always a good thing.
“Just… thinking about things.”
His captain paused, giving Buck a contemplative once over. “What things?”
Bobby had been more open to the 118 after he and Hen had found him drunk in his apartment, after breaking his sobriety. From that point, up until that damn catfishing debacle, it seemed like the 118 was becoming more of a family, instead of just a group of broken people. Hell, Bobby was probably the only one who actually reached out to him following his car getting keyed by catfish victim number five.
“Just… choices and everything that’s been going on here.”
Bobby sat down next to Buck on the bench and clenched his shoulder. “We should’ve been more on your side about the catfishing thing. I am sorry I didn’t rein everyone in more. You’ve more than earned our trust, and we all ignored it.”
Buck sighed. “Thanks for that Bobby. Really. And you were on my side, once the second girl showed up. I just wish the rest of the station would get it out of their heads that I’m a cheating scumbag, or whatever my title is today.”
“That’s happening? Who is calling-”
“No one, forget I said anything,” Buck quickly said, hands shaking as if to dispel the idea. “Please don’t go after everyone. Besides, I’ll probably be at another station soon and this will all be behind us.”
Bobby gave him The Look. The one that he learned from Athena Grant. “Are you planning on transferring on me and not telling anyone?”
“I just… with everything that’s happened, and all the mistakes I’ve made, I can’t just assume-”
“Buck, stop.” Bobby gave his shoulder a squeeze. “You’re not going anywhere. I came to find you to find out who you wanted to invite to your ceremony. I wasn’t about to send you to another station, or keep you on as a probie for another six months. You’re getting your badge in two weeks even if I have to drag you up myself.”
The information dump, stopping all of his fears at once, froze Buck in his place. Inside, a few of those little scars seemed to be healed, or at least covered with a metaphorical balm.
“I, uh, I can tell you now that there’s no one to invite. Abby’s out of the country, and my family… they’re not coming here. I don’t think my parents even know I live in California as this point.” He stumbled around his words, still surprised that Bobby subverted all the negative thoughts in his head.
Bobby just pulled him into a tight hug. “You’ll have us, if you’ll have us, anyway.” Buck nodded into his shoulder.
He did have a good captain, after all.
All the assurances in the world didn’t fix all the issues that floated around him, and still cut him. But in a way, they helped heal him, just a little. It would be years before he could say he was on the mend (after finally committing to therapy and making a family he could trust). Right now, it was a start.
And that’s just what he needed to hear.