Work Text:
Grian:
Get in here Big B and sit down!
Big B:
I’m telling you! They were alive! It was real!
Grian:
Okay. Just sit down and give your statement.
Big B:
Alright, fine.
GRIAN (ARCHIVIST)
Statement of “Big B” Stats regarding the food in his kitchen coming to life.
Big B:
It wasn’t that stupid!
Grian:
Quiet. Anyways,
Statement given direct from subject, July 3rd, 2022. Audio recording by Grian, Head Archivist of the Void Institute, London.
Statement begins.
Big B:
This whole fiasco is kind of your fault, Grian. You see, those cookies were meant to be for you. I was going to make you some heart shaped cookies to say thank you for helping me with my relationship troubles. As you know, I am quite the culinary master, so cookies from me are no joke. Only the best ingredients, prepared with love, that kind of deal. Because I know how much you enjoy chocolate chips, I didn’t go through the usual method of chilling dough and rolling it for cookie cutters. Instead I went the extra mile to make heart-shaped chocolate chip cookies which meant a little more work.
I prepared a baking tray for them and put them in the oven. Ten minutes later at 350 degrees, they were done, but when they came out, they weren’t heart shaped at all. They had all formed into one large mass. I figured I just didn’t add enough flour, so I put the tray on the counter and started another bowl of dough, this time adding more flour. Once again they congealed into a big shape. I was confused but I figured I’d give it one last try because of how good of a friend you are, you’re welcome Grian by the way, and that was when it all went wrong. The third attempt came out just like the other two, but when I put it on the counter, the cookie masses started to bubble and melt. Then they started to writhe and move. That made me scream.
They started to pile together and formed into a very large heart. Now, this wasn’t some cute heart like I was going to make you, this was a massive heart. Then it started to beat and ooze incredibly dark chocolate. The noise was awful and verberant, like it was coming from inside your head. Now, as you know I have a very well stocked kitchen to satiate my culinary mastery, well, now I kind of wish I hadn’t. When the heart started to beat, the rest of the food in my kitchen started to writhe and push itself out of the drawers and fridge.
I was frozen there in fear, but as I listened to the heart I started to understand. I started to look around at the other acolytes strewn across my floor and cupboards. Such an assortment around me, but I chose to focus on the potatoes. They looked back. The lettuce turned itself to comprehend but it could not. None of them could. The corn tried to listen, to understand the rhythm, yet it was still not enough. Only the artichoke came close but even then. It could not beat like that heart, it did not know, it could not know, what it meant to pump vitality. Still, the potatoes only watched. Silent. Then, the other followers told me what I must do, and I knew it was true. I grabbed a knife from my holder, and I plunged it into the heart. Its blood spurted over my face and body every time it beat, but I continued. I hacked and tore at it until it was an unmoving heap on my counter. Then I began to eat it.
I kept eating until nothing was left except the pool of chocolate on the counter and floor, and the food strewn about the room. I broke down then. I had no idea what had happened. So I cleaned up everything. That part took forever, but it was satisfying to remove every trace of that encounter. Then I called you for help and you told me to make a statement.
Grian:
You sounded really shaken on the phone, are you fine now?
Big B:
Yeah, I’m all good. I’m going to leave this box here for you, don’t open it until I’m gone.
Grian:
Alright, fine. You can leave now Big B.
Oh, uhh statement ends.
(ENDING CLICK)
(OPENING CLICK)
GRIAN (ARCHIVIST)
Well Big B is gone, and his box is here on the table. Looks like there's a note on it as well. It reads “Open me when you are ready to listen”. That’s a little. Odd. I wonder, if I open this… (sound of cardboard) Ah. It’s full of chocolate chip cookies. I uh, I don't know how to feel about this.
End recording.
(CLICK)