Chapter Text
“Camp Lake Summer Camp…”
“Lake Summer Camp Camp…”
“Two different camps!!”
Phoebe gasped at the sudden revelation that George and Harold would be attending two different summer camps the following season. Hugging their legs tight against their chest, they watched as the two boys were carried away in opposite directions inside two different school buses, the sad piano tune playing in the background a perfect mirror of the heartache they felt for their two favorite protagonists. When the credits began rolling, they immediately paused the episode, refusing to listen to that sorrowful melody a second longer.
They sighed as they stretched their legs, their body begging to be readjusted after having remained in a sitting position for the last few hours. Their head was still swimming from the — in lack of a better word — epic rollercoaster of emotions to which they had just been subjected. The second season of The Epic Tales of Captain Underpants had packed quite a wallop, from the very first minute to the very last second. They had never thought anything worse than Mr. Krupp getting fired and George and Harold getting expelled was possible, but it seemed nothing was impossible in this show, and that last scene had felt like a real sucker-punch to the gut.
Overall, it had been a pretty decent season. The last few plot twists, despite heart-wrenching, were a great addition to the story. Not only that, the action sequences, albeit goofy — it was a kids’ show, after all — were impeccable. But if they had to pick their favorite aspect of the season, it had to be the new characters; specifically Melvin’s half-cyborg future self. The moment Melvinborg was introduced at the end of the first season, he immediately made his way to the top of their favorite character list. They would often imagine how cool it would be for someone like that to exist; to be able to interact with a half-human, half-robot being. The mere thought of the stimulating conversations they could have was enough to make them grin.
Phoebe’s gaze drifted towards the open window by the couch, noticing that the sun had begun to set. They hadn’t noticed how tired they felt, even though they had been basically sitting down all day. They shifted to the side of the couch and leaned into a lying position, their eyelids suddenly unbearably heavy. They figured a power nap couldn’t hurt; all the household chores were done and they had no plans for the evening, so it was perfectly fine if they were to take a quick snooze before dinner. They could almost hear the leftover lasagna in the fridge calling out their name.
Their eyes fluttered closed as soon as their head hit the couch’s armrest, and the last thing that crossed their mind before dozing off was the possibility of meeting Melvinborg in real life. That would certainly be a dream come true.
Little did they know that their dream was about to get painfully real.
“What did you do this time?!”
“ Me ?! How could this possibly be my fault?!”
“Maybe because you’re a child and I’m an adult? It’s only logical.”
“Excuse me, so far you’ve made the most mistakes out of the both of us!”
“Excuse you , I never make mistakes! I may make the occasional calculation error, but never a mistake!”
Phoebe’s slumber was short-lived, interrupted by a pair of voices that sounded oddly familiar. From what they could fathom, they were hovering right above them as they bickered like a pair of bitter old ladies. Slowly opening their eyes, the genderfluid twenty-two-year-old found themself gasping at the unbelievable sight in front of them: Melvin Sneedly and his future self Melvinborg stood over them, squabbling amongst themselves about what was to be done about this unexpected visitor whom had just manifested in their office out of thin air.
Wait… office ?
Phoebe glanced around and quickly discovered they were in Mr. Krupp’s office at Jerome Horwitz Elementary School. Everything was exactly as they remembered, from the pale-blue walls to the golden ‘HOPE DIES HERE’ plaque attached to the wooden desk.
As they pushed themself up into a sitting position, they couldn’t help but smile as they took in the sights. Ever since they were a child and first read the Captain Underpants books, they had imagined this very scenario. How many times had they wished to be able to enter this wonderful world in which a middle-aged man could be turned into a semi-nude superhero with the snap of their fingers? How many nights had they spent wishing upon a star to somehow be whisked away into the pages of their favorite book series? As they grew up, those fantasies had begun to disappear from their mind, being replaced by more tangible thoughts. Now that their wish had finally come true, they could barely believe it. And they could barely contain their excitement upon having their favorite character as the first one they encountered.
“Oh great, you woke it up.”
Phoebe’s head quickly turned back to the two gingers, who had finally noticed they were awake. They gave the Melvins an awkward grin, unsure of how to go about this strange turn of events. It’s not everyday someone gets to meet their heroes, especially when they happen to be cartoon characters, so they weren’t sure about the best course of action for such a situation. Especially when the characters in question were staring at them with a very odd and hard to read expression across their faces.
“Do you think it’s an interdimensional being that escaped through a wormhole?” asked the younger Melvin, his gaze fixed on Phoebe’s face.
“No, it’s clearly an alien.” replied Melvinborg as he adjusted his glasses on the left side of his face. “Just look at its mushy and disproportionate features.”
“Really, an alien ?” Melvin scoffed, adopting a defiant stance by placing his hands on his hips. “From what planet, Einstein?”
“That is yet to be discovered.” Melvinborg growled. “We should observe this strange creature and run some tests before jumping to any conclusions. Perhaps give it a brain scan to determine just what species we’re dealing with before moving onto the vivisection.”
Phoebe’s heart instantly sunk to their feet, their grin turning into a frown as that one word echoed in their mind: vivisection . Just a few seconds into meeting their heroes and they had already decided to cut them open and examine their organs?! And while they were still alive, no less! They knew the Melvins were just one bad lab experiment away from becoming mad scientists, but this was going too far, too fast.
“And for the record, if you have to compare me to another scientist, I would much rather be compared to the great Stephen Hawking.” Melvinborg acknowledged as he crossed his arms.
“Oh please, like you could ever amount to anyone as brilliant as Stephen Hawking.” Melvin retorted, rolling his eyes.
“You are aware that, when you insult me, you’re really just insulting yourself, right?” Melvinborg deadpanned with a smirk.
“I… You…” Melvin stammered as he tried to come up with an appropriate response. “Just… Shut up!”
While they were distracted by another petty disagreement, Phoebe began slowly backing up towards what they hoped was an exit. Glancing behind them as discreetly as they could, their suspicions were confirmed: the window was right behind them. If they managed to sneak away as stealthily as possible, they could shimmy down the downspout, just as George and Harold had done in the movie. If they were lucky, they would vanish without the Melvins even noticing they had left. Perhaps they could even take a stroll around Piqua while they were there. They couldn’t help but wonder if the shoe store that sold cheeseburgers was open at that hour, seeing as they had yet to have dinner.
“Hey!”
Their head whipped back around, their eyes widening upon seeing they had been made. They didn’t waste another second and quickly scrambled to their feet, making a break for the window as fast as they could.
“Teachertrons 2.0, after it!” Melvinborg exclaimed.
Phoebe had just reached the window, their fingers barely grazing the glass, when something clamped around their wrists and ankles, forcefully pulling them back. They were pinned to the ground, their back hitting the tile floor so hard that it knocked the air straight out of their lungs. As they tried to get over the pain, they noticed exactly who was pinning them down; or, in this case, what : three large, menacing-looking robots, two with the metallic clamps that served as their hands clasped around each of their wrists and another one gripping their ankles together. Phoebe tried their hardest to wriggle away from the robots’ grasp, but they were holding them down with an iron grip — pun intended.
“Resistance is futile, whatever you are.” stated Melvinborg as he calmly approached them. “The more you struggle, the worse it’ll be for you, so I suggest you cooperate.”
“What do you want from me?” Phoebe inquired, trying their best to hide their fear.
“Oh, look at that! It talks.” Melvinborg commented amusedly. “And it knows English, too! Truly fascinating.”
He leaned down closer to Phoebe’s face and grinned evilly. Despite his face being upside down from their angle, that expression was enough to send shivers down their spine.
“I can’t wait to find out what makes you tick.” he declared, his tone dripping with malice.
Phoebe gulped as he backed away from their field of view. They couldn’t see what he was doing; all they heard was his steps against the floor and the faint sound of him tinkering with something metallic.
“Pass me the screwdriver.” they heard Melvinborg say.
“Phillips or flathead?” asked Melvin.
“Phillips, obviously .”
More tinkering was heard from a distance and Phoebe’s head began to race with all sorts of possibilities for torture devices the two gingers could be building. Their anxiety was starting to get the best of them, their body trembling under the robots’ clutches. Of all the scenarios they had imagined would unravel upon meeting Dav Pilkey’s characters, this one was by far the furthest one from their mind.
“There we go.”
Their breath hitched in their throat upon hearing such a cheery declaration from Melvinborg. Sweat began to pool on their forehead as they heard his footsteps drawing near once more.
They couldn’t believe it would end like this… It couldn’t…
…it wouldn’t !
With a fresh dose of adrenaline coursing through their veins, Phoebe fought as hard as they could against the robots’ grasp. With one especially hard tug of their right leg, they were able to yank it away from the clamps pinning down their ankles and kick the robot gripping their right wrist square in its ‘face’, causing it to tumble back and free their arm. After punching the robot holding down their left wrist, Phoebe sat up and turned to the only one left, intent on knocking its lights out just as they had done with the other two. They lifted their fist, clenched and ready to strike. The robot’s head was in plain view and ready to be struck. Freedom was only one arm swing away.
Alas, just as their fist was about to come down on the evil robot, freeing them from its metallic clutches, they felt a sharp sting on their neck, almost as if they had been pricked by a bee — a really, really large bee. Their hand instantly flew up to their neck, their blood freezing inside their veins once their fingertips felt something cold and smooth where they expected to be an organic lifeform. They immediately pulled it out, their eyes nearly popping out of their skull once they saw they were holding a tranquilizer dart.
They immediately lost all feeling in their body and fell to the floor with a loud thud, their head spinning and their vision growing blurrier by the second. Whatever the Melvins had dowsed them with, it was some pretty powerful stuff.
“I applaud your efforts.” Melvinborg declared, his voice sounding distant and muffled. “But, as you can see, they were all for naught.”
Both he and his younger self came into Phoebe’s field of vision, although at that point all they could make out was two orange blurs hovering over their body.
“You have to admit it’s better this way. We couldn’t have you squirming too much while we examine you.” he continued. “Once we’ve run some tests on you, we’ll be able to determine exactly what you are.”
Phoebe tried with all their might to speak up and tell them they were a human being and that they had landed there for some ludicrous, unknown reason. They tried their hardest to fight off the mad geniuses, but all they could muster with a heavy dose of tranquilizer running through their veins was a weak swing of their right arm in their general direction. Their arm flopped limply onto their torso just as their vision began to fade, and the last thing they heard before losing consciousness was the two gingers sniggering in unison.
“Sweet dreams…”