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“Did you hear? Kenobi is alive!”
“No, he can't be, everyone knows Skywalker saw him die. Besides there was the funeral!”
“But I've heard from more than one person. He's alive!”
Quinlan winced and hurried to his room and shut the door. He had just gotten back from his mission. He had been undercover, trying to pick up some rumors about who Dooku was dealing with, when he got the news that Obi-Wan had been killed. He didn't have time to grieve, though he did at night, sometimes crying himself to sleep when it didn't put him at risk. He had missed the funeral.
He hated how he had gone from maybe one undercover mission a year, which usually didn't last more than a couple of months, with three months being the typical max, to more than one undercover missions in a single year, many of them lasting four months or more, and even if they were short ones, that was still practically all he was doing. Not much actual, proper investigative work anymore. Just undercover, trying to figure things out. He really hated it. He wanted his old work back. His regular shadow work. Just because he was good at undercover, didn't mean he was meant to do it all the time.
Quinlan wasn't meant to be alone. And undercover missions tended to be lonely. So he had been lonely since the start of the war, aside from some rare breaks. Some rare times he had to lead battalions. At least most of his undercover missions seemed to land him back on Coruscant eventually. That helped. Made it easier, sometimes.
Other times, he did not. Like his latest, mostly unsuccessful mission.
And now Obi-Wan, one of his anchors, his best friend... was gone. And there had been nothing Quinlan could have done. He hadn't been there. He wasn't even available to attend the funeral. Didn't get the chance to say goodbye like everyone else.
On top of that, he came back to the Temple abuzz with the rumors that Obi-Wan was alive? Quinlan couldn't take it. He would want Obi-Wan to be alive, yeah. But that was unlikely. Not with everything that had had happened. Only an elaborate undercover scheme could explain Obi-Wan being alive.
Obi-Wan had to be dead. Quinlan needed to grieve. It took him a bit to come up with a plan. He would create a memorial at Obi-Wan's favorite spot in the Room of A Thousand Fountains. It was not easily found, more likely for one to stumble into it. Some of Obi-Wan's other friends knew about it, but it had been years. And they didn't know it was still Obi-Wan's favorites. But then, a lot of friends had drifted apart once Obi-Wan had dived into training Anakin. It had only brought him closer to Quinlan, who had just started training Aayla at the same time.
Quinlan gathered what he needed and set it on the counter for the next day. He skipped dinner and collapsed into bed, exhausted. He fell asleep.
And while he was asleep... he dreamt.
Obi-Wan coming home to their shared quarters and greeting him with a kiss.
The two of them raising two undefined padawans together while Aayla and Anakin teased their padawan siblings.
Date nights.
Even some dreams of the war, where Obi-Wan survived, and they would go to Dex's every time they both had leave at the same time.
They were all happy dreams. Dreams of being with Obi-Wan, of being married, together, whatever it was they were. And being so, so happy with Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan who was alive.
Quinlan woke up, having slept nearly thirteen hours, with tears streaming down his face. It wasn't too early... He considered laying in bed for longer. He rolled out of bed to deter such nonsense.
And proceeded to lay on the floor crying about what might have been for another hour before he dragged himself up to go take a shower.
Quinlan did not try very hard to take a proper shower. He more just leaned on the wall and let the water hit him while he contemplated why his dreams were showing him with Obi-Wan. So happy with Obi-Wan. They were just friends. So why?
But... he did find himself longing for them. Coming home to Obi-Wan at the end of a long mission. Raising padawans together. Dates. All that.
Oh. Kark. He was in love with Obi-Wan and had been for years. And he hadn't even noticed.
In hindsight there were definitely times Quinlan had started noticing but them buried his feelings because he couldn't have put them on Obi-Wan. Usually because it was the wrong time. But there were other reasons he liked to keep his feelings buried as deep as possible.
He just hadn't realized how strong they had truly gotten and Quinlan now wished he hadn't been in such denial for so long. Maybe if he had acted on it... maybe it wouldn't hurt so much that Obi-Wan was gone, wondering about the might have been. They would have tried the relationship and discovered it didn't work.
Because there was no way a relationship between the two of them could work. There was no way they could live together. There was no way they could not bicker and break up in a heated dumb argument. They were better off as friends. Right?
...right?
Quinlan dragged himself out of the shower when the water got totally cold, the dried off. He haphazardly tossed on his comfiest clothes. As he headed to the door to grab the memorial things, he realized he was not wearing his own hoodie, but the one that Obi-Wan had left the last time he had fallen asleep at movie night. They had managed one just two days before Quinlan's last mission.
He bit his lip as he felt the familiar burn of tears hit his eyes. He was not going to cry. He was not going to cry. He was a Jedi shadow. He should be better than this. Why were his feelings so strong for Obi-Wan?
He gathered up what he needed and sped walk through the halls. It was early morning, but late enough that classes had started and most Jedi were already going about their business or doing meditations. This meant that the halls were empty, since so many were off at war. And no one was around to see him hugging an odd assortment of items through the halls. All the way to the Room of A Thousand Fountains.
His feet tread the familiar path without much thought, and soon he was squeezing through the opening that had been far easier to deal with with they were younger. When they were padawans.
Once he was in... he took a deep breath in and looked around. It was a beautiful clearing. Tall grasses, Obi-Wan's favorite flowers, some of them favorites of Quinlan's too. A variety of colors because Obi-Wan had always preferred color to dull palletes. Quinlan agreed with him that it was better to have a riot of color. He still didn't understand why Obi-Wan preferred to keep things so dull with his own clothes.
Quinlan swallowed, spotting Obi-Wan's bench. They had stolen their favorite bench of the gardens one night and smuggled it into their little clearing without getting caught. Obi-Wan's little clearing.
The bench was a perfect place. Quinlan carefully laid out what he had collected. His favorite pictures. The sweet, the funny, the staged, the spontaneous. Obi-Wan's favorite little junk snacks. Food that made Quinlan think of Obi. Little gifts Obi-Wan had given him over the years. They had made it a game to find the most ridiculous outrageous thing they could in tourist traps and buy it for the other.
And then, on the side, where no one saw, they were quietly buying each other sweet little trinkets they found. Snow globes for Quinlan, some were even sand or glitter instead of snow. He adored them. He brought his favorites that Obi-Wan had found over the years. Kiffu, Stewjon, Alderaan, Mon Cala, and Lothal. In exchange he would buy little chains for Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan would find ways to add them sneaky places, sometimes even adding them to his lightsaber when he wasn't on missions.
Quinlan stared at the result and the tears started flowing. It was really starting to sink in that Obi-Wan was gone. He put his head in his hands and sobbed, kneeling before his little memorial.
“I miss you Obes. I can't believe you're gone. It wasn't any way we thought it would be... just a simple bounty hunter looking to assassinate you and it worked. I was on a mission and I didn't get even really think about it until it was over and then I was hurrying home. The funeral was more than a month ago and I still can't believe I missed it. I had to miss it. And now... now I get back and there's rumors that you're still alive. Which would only be the case if you went undercover and why would you be undercover?”
Quinlan took in a few shuddering breath, forcing his breath to even out before he resumed his rambling. “It reminds me of when Master Greg died. No one could believe it, the rumors that he lived persisted for years, even though his whole crecheclan found his body that morning when he didn't come get him. Of course you would live on persistently like that in people's minds. You're amazing, Obes, even if you never saw it.”
He chuckled through his tears. “I love you, Obes. You were the best friend I could ever ask for. You worked so hard to get better, to hit the levels you thought they expected of you, even though you weren't even talented in some of those areas. You're a hundred times the Jedi I am. Even though I'm two years older, I always thought of you as my role model. You got away with so much, even when it was a hundred percent your fault. You were so good at everything, better at sparring than me. Better at meditation than me. Better at most things than me. I taught you shadow skills and you picked those up far faster than I ever picked up your tricks for negotiating and politics. But you probably got a lot more use out of the skills than I got out of the ones you taught me.”
Silence.
“I miss you. I miss you. I love you. And you're gone...” Quinlan collapsed on the ground properly sobbing now. Grieving the loss of his friend.
He knew he had a few weeks of leave. He could stay here and no one would notice until then, if he didn't emerge. So, Quinlan didn't bother moving from the clearing. At least he'd brought some food and water.
Quinlan lost track of time as he hung out in the clearing and grieved. His dreams of Obi-Wan continued, continuing to be happy images of what their lives could have been like together. Sometimes wishful thinking slipped in and dreams of Obi-Wan showing up, alive, after being thought dead appeared.
Quinlan slept a lot. He didn't really eat or drink much. Just sat there and grieved, sometimes talking to the memorial. He was tired and sad. He missed Obi-Wan so much it ached. He had an alarm set for the day he had to get himself together enough to function. He wondered how he would ever be able to do so, but he had to try.
.
Obi-Wan frowned when once again, Quinlan's comm went unanswered. He wasn't answering his door. He was in Temple; no one had seen him leave, and Quinlan was on leave. He wouldn't just disappear like this. He checked his messages, having sent out a mass text on if anyone had seen him.
The answer was no. No one had seen him since he had arrived. Obi-Wan frowned more. It wasn't like Quinlan to isolate himself so soon after a long mission where he had been alone for far too long.
So, Obi-Wan decided to breach his privacy and used the code to enter the apartment. It was a mess, and there wasn't a sign of Quinlan. Why hadn't Quinlan been cleaning? What was upsetting him so much?
Obi-Wan stared down at an album, one he knew was just full of pictures of them throughout the years. He himself had a similar one. As he did so, it hit him and he frantically messaged several people. Did they tell Quinlan he was alive?
The answer was no, but the rumors had been rampant when he arrived. Obi-Wan shook his head in disbelief. Neither he nor Quinlan trusted rumors when it came to injuries and death. And living. And if Quinlan had started isolating himself immediately... he wouldn't have been around any official news.
Obi-Wan cursed, asked if anyone knew who was supposed to tell Quinlan the truth, since he had requested someone let Quinlan know he had lived once he returned to the Temple. Quinlan could be trusted with mission security, but he was more likely to be back after Obi-Wan had completed his mission. Someone needed to tell him. Someone had failed.
Obi-Wan decided to deal with that mess later. He had to find Quinlan and reassure him that he was alive. He knew he was Quinlan's closest friend, especially with Tholme dead. Even of Quinlan's other friends, pretty much none of them were on planet and were often too busy when they were. So it was down to Obi-Wan.
It took some thinking, but Obi-Wan eventually figured out where Quinlan would be going. Their clearing. It had started out as Obi-Wan's secret place, but Quinlan loved it, and went there just as often with and without Obi-Wan.
He had never voiced it, but Obi-Wan thought of the clearing as both of theirs these days. It was the most likely place for Quinlan to go. No one would bother him there. It would remind him of Obi-Wan, be a good place to grieve. Yes, that clearing was where Quinlan was hiding out.
Obi-Wan hurried through the halls. The only thing keeping him from running to his friend was knowing that seeing him running would alarm everyone and draw attention to the situation. Quinlan would hate that.
When he arrived, Obi-Wan's heart ached for his friend, seeing the memorial Quinlan had set up, seeing the pile of trash from what little he had consumed over the last few days. Quinlan, even from the side, looked awful. He wasn't taking care of himself. He was also crying.
“I dreamt you were alive,” Quinlan whispered to the memorial, voice rough from the previous days of crying and mourning.
Obi-Wan took another step into the clearing and spoke before Quinlan could break his heart any further. “I am alive, Quin.”
Quinlan froze, not moving.
As Obi-Wan reached him and kneeled down to comfort his friend, Quinlan recovered from his surprise enough to use the Force. He confirmed it was Obi-Wan. His eyes filled with tears. As Obi-Wan reached to hug him, Quinlan tackled him with a hug, sobbing.
“I'm here Quin, I'm sorry. I had to do an undercover mission. The Chancellor didn't give me much of a choice. I'm here, I'm alive, I'm not going anywhere.”
Quinlan nodded into his chest and clung to him tightly as he sobbed. Obi-Wan kept rubbing his back the entire time. Quietly, Obi-Wan allowed himself to cry. He loved his best friend. He remembered exactly what it was like the times that Quinlan had to fake his own death, and how he felt when Quinlan returned. The first time, there had been anger, but that quickly drained away in the face of how happy he was to see his friend. How happy he was that his friend was alive.
And yet, despite future instances of a faked death, Obi-Wan had never been able to bring himself to tell Quinlan that he loved him. Quinlan wasn't much into the idea of romance and generally just was happy to be around friends. So Obi-Wan didn't want to push, or assume. He kept it to himself, happy with the close friendship they had cultivated together.
Still, he hadn't expected Quinlan to be this affected. He hadn't even been this affected when they had gotten news of Tholme's death. Obi-Wan still thanked the Force that he had been in the Temple at the time so he could help get Quinlan through the initial wave of grief.
Eventually Quinlan's sobbing subsided into sniffles, and he still hadn't let go. Obi-Wan had long since shifted the two of them into a more comfortable position. Meaning he laid back on the ground and let Quinlan lay on top of him.
Quinlan looked at him, now that he was calm. “...you're bald!” He was torn between laughter and amazement. He reached and rubbed Obi-Wan's bald head with a snicker.
Obi-Wan smiled fondly. “Yes, I'm bald. It was unfortunately necessary for the mission.”
“You can tell me all about it later. I'm not ready for that right now.”
“Of course. You look terrible you know.”
“Yeah. How were you able to be so put together with my deaths in the past?”
“I wasn't, but Qui-Gon dragged me out of bed, and then I had Anakin to worry about. If I had no one... I probably would've done the same thing you've done here. It's not healthy, but it's understandable.”
Quinlan stared at him. “You missed me that much?”
“I did.” Obi-Wan nodded. “Every time.”
“Huh. Did it ache and feel all weirdly empty? Like you might never be happy again?”
Obi-Wan blinked in surprise, then nodded. “It did. Every time. I'm glad you haven't had to fake your death in years. I'm not sure I could handle it right now,” he admitted.
Quinlan stared at him some more, then in a very impulsive move, pushed himself forward.
Their lips met. Obi-Wan's eyes widened as he moved one of his hands to hold onto Quinlan's hair, preventing Quinlan from pulling away when he realized what he had done. Quinlan closed his eyes and let himself enjoy the kiss.
“So we feel the same way, then?” Obi-Wan asked quietly, Force presence humming with happiness.
Quinlan grinned. “So it seems. I... I didn't realize, not until you were gone but... yeah. I love you Obi-Wan Kenobi.”
“I love you too, Quinlan Vos.”