Chapter Text
Students milled into the lecture hall, the minutes ticking by before the clock's hand struck twelve. She hated these types of classes, messing with the strings of her hoodie as more and more people streamed in. It was too loud, the noise burrowing its way under her skin and festering- this restless sensation bordering on fight or flight. Donella sunk down in her chair and focused on the faint glow of her laptop. The white screen in front of her was almost daunting in its emptiness. Her eyes focused on the cursor, blink, blink, blink.
Suddenly, this was not part of her plan and she was starting to realize she was staring so hard at the light her vision was adorn with tiny spots, the girl in front of her gently pushed down her laptop lid. It sat halfway, low enough for her to get a good look at freckled cheeks and blue eyes- they were so blue. Holy shit- she didn't say that out loud right?
"Hi!" They blinked, the chatter from around them seemed to muffle, they blinked again. Wait- what was she saying?
Donella shook her head, watching as the girl seemed to deflate. "Oh, alright." She started to turn away and for some reason, the taller leaned forwards and reached out.
"Wait! What did you say?"
"Hm?" The other turned around again, she felt this sigh of relief wash over her, "I was just asking if you had notes you could send me. I missed last class."
"Oh-" Glancing at her computer, she nodded, clicked over to another tab- her email, and turned it around for her to enter her own, "Go ahead."
"Thanks!" She typed quickly, turning the computer back again. Leaning in, 'Ulla'. Hm, nice name. Her green eyes flicked back up to meet blue again, to her surprise since she assumed the conversation was over. "So uh- what's your name? Since you know mine now."
Did she notice how she scanned the draft before sending? Smart-
"Donella," She replied with a polite little nod. Ulla found herself grinning at this, nice name. She was funny in an unfunny way, captivating almost.
Extending a hand, she bounced a bit and her face practically lit up the room. "Nice to meet you, Donella." Watching as she stared down at her outstretched fingers, there was a moment of hesitation before she reached and finished the gesture. And she had never experienced this before, a moment when there were no thoughts in her mind- quiet. There was always something or other swirling under the surface for as long as she could remember, but in that second there was just the coolness of her hand and how firmly she squeezed. When she pulled away she just- so quickly it was barely noticeable, she reached out as if wanting to prolong the contact.
Ulla let her hand drop to the side. "Do you have a study buddy for this class?"
"I don't really... do study buddies," The other responded and flipped up the lid of her computer. Weird- she wasn't exactly used to hearing no. Tilting her head, she stood on her toes to look over the laptop.
"You wanna change that?" Her voice was so chipper it made Donella actually look up and arch an eyebrow.
"I don't really see the point in studying hard for a class that- doesn't faze me." Did that make her sound like an ass? Oh, it totally did, she wouldn't be surprised if Ulla just turned away and- but she just threw back her head and laughed. And Donella felt her breath hitch in her chest because that was the tickle of sunlight on her skin in the summer and the rustle of leaves in the breeze- it was wind chimes and river gurgles and she hesitated before returning to her body.
"And here I was thinking I was the only person who was having a good time. Guess you'll be keeping me on my toes," Come on, laugh- she seemed to beg the woman sitting there with the most deadpan expression she ever saw. Laugh! Ulla felt her chest leap in triumph when her lips tugged upwards into the tiniest smile, just the smallest crack.
"Guess so," At that, the lecture started and those green eyes turned away.
~~
Sitting at the edge of Ulla’s bed, she let her gaze glance around the room once again. She had been there plenty of times at this point because that’s apparently what friends did. It had taken a few times for her to realize that they were in fact friends. Though maybe she should have realized that sooner when their ‘studying’ would more often than not end with a movie or even a book.
She shuffled through the flashcards again, muttering pre-practiced words to herself as she pushed her elbows into her knees. There was this twisting in her stomach, anticipation bubbling up through the lining as she closed her eyes. That huge lecture hall, only she’d be down there in front of the projector- so small- so exposed. Everyone was going to see her slip up, hear her fumble- everyone was going to-
“You alright?” Opening her eyes, Ulla was looking up at her from where she sat on the floor. Hopping up, she sat down on the mattress with a little bounce, the springs creaking as she did so. “Why the face?”
Tilting her head, she leaned forwards a bit as Donella looked away, setting her flashcards down and wringing her hands. “It’s nothing,” At that, she huffed and moved closer, scrunching up her freckled features and practically forcing herself into her field of vision.
“Why the face?” She responded, mimicking her cadence from a few seconds ago. At that, Ulla crossed her arms.
“Because clearly something’s wrong! Come on! Tell me!” She dragged out the last syllable, leaning her head into Donella’s shoulder and pushing slightly. “Tell me! You know you want to!” Stretching her arms over her head, she laid down with her head in her lap, grinning cheekily up.
Those green eyes rolled as she grabbed her flashcards from underneath her hair. “It’s the same shit as last time, you know this,” Absentmindedly she found herself fiddling with the fiery red strands. When she spoke again it was under her breath, as if she wasn’t even aware she had spoken in the first place. “I hate presentations.” A breath, she let her eyes close and the air shove down into her lungs to hopefully make her feel less heavy. “But! We’re more than prepared, it’ll be fine.”
“Mm,” Sitting up, her hair was tugged a bit by her friend but she didn’t seem to mind as Ulla stood and turned, grabbing her friend’s hands and pulling her towards her. “We still have one more thing to prep actually!”
“Wait what?” Quickly, doing a mental recalculation, she allowed herself to be dragged over to the floor-length mirror her friend had propped against the wall. “What else?”
“Presentation!” Ulla replied with this huge grin, lifting her hands up near her face and gesturing.
A deadpanned reply that probably wasn’t meant to be a joke, “What do you mean? All our prep is for the presentation?”
Scoffing, the shorter pushed Donella in front of the mirror and gestured forwards. “I’m not talking about that kind, silly!” Standing on her toes to push up her chin, her hands gently brought her shoulders back as well. After, she turned to face the mirror, staring at both their reflections with a smug smirk. “You, Donnie, are far too good to walk around hunched over all the time.”
Blinking at her reflection, she stayed quiet for a long while. It was strange, how a few posture changes changed her. Eyes darting to the side and down, she cracked a small smile. “You really think so?”
“I know so!” Letting their knuckles brush together, she linked their pinkies in silent reassurance. Ulla lifted their hands up a bit, gesturing back to the mirror, “You deserve to hold your head up. More than deserve it, promise.”
Rolling her shoulders like she was getting used to the position, Donella took a breath and found that it was easier to fill her lungs. Her gaze returned to the mirror, “Thank you.”
There was a gentle nature to her tone- almost like a sigh of relief, her thumb running along her knuckle- that touch left tingles on the back of her hand. A small squeeze, bump on her hip, “Just the truth- you going soft on me, Donnie?”
“In your dreams,” A scoff before she stepped away and broke the barriers of their little world- a place where it was just them. No pressures from the outside caving in, pushing them one way or the other. It was just them, and that was somehow all they needed. “Come on though, let’s do it one more time.”
“Ugh! Fine!” She dramatically trudged over and swiped up her own flashcards, sticking her tongue out at her friend who pulled the same face. It never failed to get a short giggle out of Ulla, how her seemingly poised and stern persona was secretly goofy underneath. It was- it made her want to stay there, to know and find and bring out every single part of her.
~~
“I think we-” Her voice cut off as the world seemed to split into doubles. Donella rubbed at her eyes and yawned into her hand. All-nighters were common during finals season, her things scattered on the lower half of her bed while her friend took the upper. “I think we need a change of scenery-”
Empty cups and energy drink cans were balanced precariously on her nightstand. When there was no response she nudged Ulla with her foot, who kicked her back before standing up and wordlessly taking the half-filled can at the corner of the desk and downing whatever was left of it. She cleared her throat and tossed it into the overflowing trash can. “Coffee run?” She exclaimed with a little too much snap to her voice, enough to make her extremely sleepy counterpart jump.
Grabbing a pillow, Donella chucked it in her direction. Usually, the shorter was more than capable of catching it, but her coordination was starting to slip. With a thump, it hit her side though she didn’t seem to mind. “Five more hours and then we sleep and then we take the test and we kick some ass and- Donnie?”
Looking over towards where her friend was sitting, a slow grin pulled on her lips as she stared at the heap of blankets and papers. The taller had slumped over, mouth partly agape and eyes closed, face smushed into the covers. Ulla tucked her thumbs into the pocket of her sweatshirt, tilting her head. “Awe,” Her smile softened, it was different than the one she put on while she was out and about- the look for others versus the one that was all her own. It was softer, a little more lopsided. Stepping closer, she sat down at the edge of the bed. Gently, her hand rested centimeters away from Donella’s, which was lying limp with fingers slightly curled.
“You know, Donnie,” She started, keeping her voice soft and glancing over. The other’s chest rose and fell rhythmically, a soft snoring noise from her lips. Ulla let herself trace the lines on her turned-over palm. Opening her mouth, the words caught in her throat and she struggled- that was a first. A laugh, scoff almost, “You always say I can never shut my mouth. So why can’t I talk now?”
Reaching over, she brushed pale strands out of her face, letting her fingers guide them behind her ear. “I-” Choking on the syllable, she looked away and clasped her hands in her lap, wringing her fingers as her friend often would. She kicked her feet back and forth gently. “You know- it’s funny. And you’d probably call me tragic but,” Leap of faith, sworn to the empty air, “I think I’m falling in love with my best friend.”
It was like a weight was lifted off her chest as the words left her lips, she sighed a bit and grinned at how harmless they seemed. This fluttering feeling under her skin as she remembered how they sounded, whispered and faint- but real. It was real.
A voice pulled her from her musings, “Utterly tragic,” Ulla yelped and jumped up, spinning around to find those green eyes staring at her from the covers, a cocky grin forming underneath them.
“You ass!” The shorter cried out, grabbing the pillow that had been thrown her way earlier and chucking it as Donella pushed herself up. It hit her smack in the face, though she didn’t seem to mind and climbed off the bed. At this point her face was so red her freckles were starting to fade away into the background, she crossed her arms over her chest in an almost pout.
“Hey!” A laugh as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes, “I liked things better two seconds ago, can we go back then?”
She squeaked, actually squeaked and stamped her foot at Donella, grabbing the strands of red hair that hung down and framed her face. “Just forget I ever said anything! Sleep-deprivation right, hey maybe that’s what our next paper should be about that doesn’t make a lot of sense-” Ulla dissolved into a little ramble, mostly muttered to herself as she collected her things for their preplanned coffee excursion.
Stretching her arms over her head, Donella shrugged, “I mean- sure I guess. Sucks since- I’d like to go out with you.” The words left her lips before she could even process what they meant. It was like the world was put on pause, both figures frozen in place as realization washed over them.
Slowly, she turned on her heel and looked up, “You- you want to go out with me?” As she spoke her lips were flicking upwards into that lopsided smile, her hands still resting on her elbows.
Glancing at her as she was slipping on her shoes, she nodded. “I- currently to get coffee but also romantically yes.”
“You wanna go on a date with me!” She exclaimed in an almost teasing cadence and when she did so bounced on her toes.
She pulled a face, her thinking face that Ulla had grown to love. She’d wrinkle her nose slightly and squint her eyes, maybe even puff her cheeks if she was really struggling.
Looking up, her gaze softened in clarity, “Yeah- yeah I do.” Her shoulders relaxed, thumbs tucking into the pockets of her jeans as her friend came and linked their arms together. She didn’t protest.
Standing on her toes, there was an almost mischievous glint that flickered through her blue gaze as she tilted her head. “Don’t you think that’s a tiny bit clique, Dons?” A bump with her hip before she scoffed, “I mean- I am your best friend after all.”
At that Donella rolled her eyes and nudged her shoulder before jokingly stepping away, grabbing her keys that had been thrown on the desk near the door. “You’re a pain in the ass.”
“I’m your pain in the ass.”
“Tragic,” Extending her arm, Ulla took the invitation eagerly and interlaced their fingers- something they had become accustomed to doing long before this confession. It was effective at keeping one or the other from wandering off and in the end, it just felt natural. Right, even.
Sighing dramatically as she stepped out the door, “Utterly,” she looked up at her who was trying her best to repress a grin. Donella had the prettiest smile- almost shy in its subtlety. But it was soft and genuine and real like her heart was exposing itself upon her stretched lips.
~~
“You have the keys to the apartment, right?” She asked with a twinge of nervousness in her voice, patting her back pocket. Something she always struggled with while living on campus was remembering her lanyard, though now that they were in their own space she had a bit of an instant helpline with Don. One of the many many benefits of living together.
The taller looked over her shoulder and patted her jacket pocket, the autumn breeze blowing by and making her shiver slightly. “No? I thought you had it?” And there was a moment when she saw panic flicker through those blue eyes, a twinge of worry as she was retracing her steps before Donella softened and relented. Her shoulders relaxed ever so slightly as opposed to when they just met and she spent most hours hunched over on herself. She held herself differently now, and it was noticeable. “I’m just messing with you,” With a small flourish she pulled out her keychain with the apartment keys dangling off the metal ring.
Gasping with mock betrayal, Ulla hit the side of her head into her upper arm, “Meanie!” She whined and turned away from the other who waited a few seconds before draping her arm over her shoulders.
“Maybe you’ll remember to double-check the keys next time?” To Donella’s amusement her girlfriend, even while pursing her lips and pulling them into a frown at her, took her cold hand between both her own.
“Or maybe I’ll just learn to pick locks and never worry about keys again,” She replied before blowing on her frigid and knobby fingers, gently rubbing them in her palms.
“They’re always cold,” This was something she had started doing ages ago, always attempting to override her poor circulation which was- endearing. Ulla glanced up at her with a nod before letting one arm drop, bringing her knuckles to her lips and pressing a quick kiss to them. Donella could feel the way she smiled as she scoffed and rolled her green eyes. “You are insufferable.”
“I know,” She mused back and the corners of her gaze crinkled up at her, “But you love it.” A little tease in her cadence as her partner sighed loudly before leaning down and pressing their foreheads together. She sighed, her cold hand resting on her waist.
“I know.”
~~
Walking down the halls of their office building, Donella glanced at her phone for the time. It was late, so late that the building was technically supposed to be empty which would explain why she was walking around with a flashlight. A text from her partner lit up on her screen,
I’ll see you in a bit <3,
and she couldn’t help but grin to herself. Her green eyes softened, she let out a little wistful sigh, and looked up down the hall.
That was strange, the room to one of their research project labs was slightly open- unlocked. “Hm,” She pulled a face and tucked her phone away, holding up the flashlight as she got closer. Step, step, step, she was about to glance towards the door when suddenly it flew forwards and a figure darted out. Donella broke into a run, her feet meeting the tile with a slight squeak at first as she threw her weight forwards. It was a man- fairly tall, tanned skin though the mask and hood weren’t helping her identify. Papers in his hand, the thief turned over his shoulder and suddenly there was a small explosion- smoke filled the hallway and obscured her vision.
Reaching out, she grabbed the hood but her grasp was too weak and the figure squirmed away, a quick flash of a man bun before the man disappeared down the stairwell. Donella coughed into her elbow hard, bringing her phone to her cheek. “Ulla, I need you here- we have a problem.”
~~
“God!” The taller exclaimed in annoyance as she paced around the security room. The head guard sat next to her partner as they scrubbed through the security footage. “I let him get away- If I was just a little faster-”
“We already talked about this, Donnie. It wasn’t your fault,” Ulla got onto her knees and turned around in her chair. Though she watched as the other rubbed at her temples, clearly not listening to her as she replayed the scenes again in her mind.
“I can’t help but feel like I knew him too I just-” She snapped her fingers, trying to recall the memory, “You remember that guy we were talking to- who flunked Physics? Man bun?”
Squinting her blue eyes as she thought, Ulla eventually nodded, “Andrew right? I thought he switched majors.” Pausing for a second, she tilted her head, the man had been sending them brief messages back and forth- though she thought it was just what someone did when they found an old acquaintance on Facebook.
“I swear it was him- I swear I just-” Pressing her fists into the side of her head, Donella shook it and sucked in a breath to contain her frustration. “Look at the footage,” She listened, and sure enough there it was. Outside of the building, a hidden camera that seemed to be out of reach of the others. It was grainy and small but it was him- it clearly was. He had been so- so weird about things too recently! It had to be. Ulla felt her face hardening, this growing pit of almost guilt in her stomach as she remembered that text conversation. He had asked what they were researching- working on- and so excitedly she had told him.
“Still though, it’s not your fault,” Leaning a little on the back before she nudged the man sitting next to her, “You tell her, Cyrus.”
“There’s nothing you could have done differently, Boss,” He replied, slowly gathering all the footage that contained even a glimpse of the perpetrator.
The woman sitting next to him seemed fairly smug at his response, even as Donella smoothed down her hair in annoyance. She reached out, gesturing for her to come closer. When she was in arm’s reach Ulla pulled her close and rested her head on her chest. “It’s going to be okay,” But when she said it her voice changed ever so slightly, this darkness that flickered through her words. It was almost as if she were gritting her teeth, a vow that things would be made right.
“Yeah,” Petting her fiery red hair, she stared down at her and let the back of her head with her thumbs, “Because the police will take care of it best they can. It’s just some papers- not even our best work.” There was an undercurrent- a warning in her tone. They conversed below the surface as they so often did. It really was a dead-end project, nothing useful to them. But as her green eyes watched the screen, the moment in time playing again and again, she couldn’t help but notice how the man seemed to be searching for something- something specific.
~~
Shrugging on her jacket, Ulla puffed out her cheeks a little and grabbed her keys from where she had thrown them onto the stone counter. Her hand just met the doorknob before a voice called out to her and made her freeze in her tracks. A shiver went up her spine.
“Where are you going?” It was so innocent, the way she said it- but there was a twinge of suspicion in her tone.
Please don’t be doing what I think you’re doing. Sucking in a breath, she focused on making her words flick upwards while she spoke in that innocent manner she was oh so good at putting on. “Gotta get some energy out! Or else I’ll be off the walls all night.”
There was a heavy silence in the air, Donella took a step forwards- reached out a hand like she wanted to rest it on her shoulder and pull her close. “Okay,” A bit of trust snuck out into the word, she dropped her arm to the side, “Just promise me you’ll be safe. Pepper spray and all that- well lit areas.”
She knew the taller didn’t like how she went out at night, Ulla tucked her thumbs into her pockets and nodded. Holding up the tiny canister she had in her jacket, she put it away after Don gave her a grunt of approval. Blue eyes went to the handle again before she spun around on her heel and grabbed her into a tight hug. “Promise. I love you.”
But the way she said it made the two phrases sound like one. Promise, I love you. I promise I love you- I swear. Don’t forget how much I love you- look at me and don’t forget. She felt the other’s arms squeeze, like her force could fix all the little tiny cracks and fuse all the little broken pieces of herself back together. Closing her eyes, Ulla sighed then inhaled deeply, wanting to remember the feeling.
“I love you too,” A kiss to her temple, brief as Donella untangled her fingers from where they were buried in her fiery red hair. Reluctantly, she pulled away, letting her hand linger along her freckled face. Brushing a thumb over her cheekbone, she sighed. “Don’t be out too long. It’s hard to sleep without you.”
“I won’t. I’ll be back before you know it!” Another brief embrace before she spun around and finally was out the door.
Staring at the place where Ulla was standing mere seconds ago, she couldn’t help but feel like this was a mistake. There was a twisting in her gut, like a vacuum had opened up in the emptiness and threatened to drag her into its pull. She lifted her green eyes and clenched her fists, pressing half-moon shaped crescents into her palms.
~~
The streets were noisy at night, crowded down the boulevard as clubbers made their way to and from locations. Usually she would have been swept up in the noise and lights, all the excitement around her- but tonight she was focused. Donella always joked she had a lazerlike attention that she simply chose not to use- that was partly true.
Peering into windows and scanning through the crowd, she muttered to herself. A pit grew in her, somewhere deep down where even she couldn’t reach. It festered and tangled up in her intestines, tugged at her tendons until it threatened to blind her. Ulla felt her face growing heated, maybe it was anger as she gritted her teeth. A flash of long brown hair, tanned skin- her feet brought her into the bar. Without flinching, nearly instinctively, she pulled out her ID before being let in. The height didn’t exactly help her.
She made her way over to the bar, “So-” A tilt of her head as she spoke. Andrew jumped at her voice slightly before turning around, looking mostly uninterested which just irked her more. But she counted to five quickly and unmade her fist. “Is this what a thief does in his off hours?”
The man cocked up an eyebrow at her, “What are you going on about?” He replied in that laid back manner that was really a front for dismissal. “Little girl.”
Narrowing her eyes, Ulla continued. “We’re not stupid, Andrew, but you clearly are.” And there it was. This was what she was good at, finding someone’s crack and chilling away at it until they crumbled. He looked more alert, mask falling for a brief moment before he recovered. She continued before he could speak. “I mean- do you really think we don’t have cameras outside the building? Or really I should ask if you thought at all.”
A scoff as she rested one elbow on the counter, “And to top it all off, you steal research. Why? Are you too bone-headed to do it yourself? Or is it just because you’re lazy? Can’t even do that right.” At that point she was standing on her toes while Andrew had begun to glower at her. She got in his face, sensing the man about to boil over. It was fine, she could take it- it out of the corner of her eye- no.
A hand grabbed her shoulder and pulled her back, gray hair entered her vision. Her stomach fell to her heels as she caught how Andrew lifted his hand over Donella’s protective shoulder.
Glass breaking- screams. She wished she had that power, to hold someone so tightly that all the damage would just… go away. She wanted to make it all go away.
~~
The next few weeks were a blur of legal teams, hospital visits, and coddling. Not a second went by without something happening- it was a storm if you would. She spun so fast so they wouldn’t fall. But eventually, as all things do, it passed and left nothing but emptiness in its place. The apartment was quiet- no that wasn’t the right word. It was hollow, with every step leaving a pang of guilt in her chest. That’s what it was, guilt as Ulla went about her day and endured the lack of anything from her partner. Because eventually the initial shock passed and Donella retracted.
Holding her close, hand pressed tightly to her cheek while shouting at the bouncer to restrain Andrew. She shielded her face from the flashing lights, the paramedics practically had to pry her off to get her onto the stretcher. Only one thought passed through her mind, she wasn’t going to leave her- she wasn’t going to leave her.
“Do you need help?” She asked, sitting at the counter while Donella struggled to open a jar. Her partner turned away from her, a frequent occurrence that was starting to get on her nerves along with causing her stomach to twist up on itself. “Donnie- just let me help you.”
That nickname, it dripped with affection that felt vile given where they were now. Her green eyes hardened as she spoke, “I don’t know if I want your definition of help.” Almost as if the words were spat from her tongue, frustration stinging the other as she stood.
Ulla remembered a few nights ago, she had sat up in their bed and taken her cold hand, asking if she was angry. And she had said no- apparently she had lied. “I knew it!” She snapped without thinking, “I knew you were mad at me!” Her voice rose in volume with all the anguish of the last few weeks bubbling up, but when she opened her mouth to say more the air caught in her throat. Because those green eyes whipped around, and for the first time since the accident they stared right at her.
“I’m not- Of course I’m mad!” Donella retorted and set the jar aside, one hand subconsciously lifting towards her cheek, “But I’m not mad at you! I’m just-” She groaned and a growl left her lips as she sucked in a breath, “I’m choosing to look past it because I love you!”
“And I did what I did because I love you!” Her voice broke on the last syllable as she watched the taller pull away, straightening a little and messing with her hands. And Ulla could sense it before it even happened- she was good at finding the cracks.
Tensing, her jaw clenched and she felt the newly stiffened skin on her face tug. She closed her eyes, unable to look at her. “Maybe we should stop.” Barely a whisper, like everything in her was against the very thought. But still, the syllables reached the air.
“What?” The same breathless nature, her voice broke at the end. Donella could picture that look in her gaze without even seeing- the image burning into her memory. “Donnie I- no.” Please, the single word of protest begged- please no.
“I don’t want you to do reckless things for me. I don’t want you to hurt yourself because of me! I- I don’t want you to wake up every day and look at me and remember!” She had opened her eyes at this point, which may have been a mistake as tears welled up and clouded her vision. “It hurts to love you- it hurts both of us.” How do they recover from this? Where do they go from here?
I don’t want you. The words rang in her ears. I don’t want you. I don’t want you. I don’t want you. Ulla blinked and two fat droplets trailed down her face. She was holding onto the fabric of her skirt, bunching it up in her fists like she could somehow hold onto them. “I never meant for this to happen.”
“I know,” And it was so quiet, peaceful almost as she stepped closer. “But can you look at me still- and not remember everything that went wrong?”
Moment of truth, right? She took her fingers, the coolness calming as she ran her thumb over the calluses that grew on her palms. Lifting her blue eyes, Ulla stared at her lover. Or really- through her. Because there were two lines carved like cracks through her face, and reality splintered like glass shards when she saw them. Screams and shoving, blood ran through her fingers- warmth.
And Donella could tell, see the way her gaze changed. It wasn’t the same and maybe it would never be. They broke beyond repair- or rather- break implying that they started whole. Maybe neither of them were, but they found each other in the debris- found that their damaged pieces fit. Maybe they simply broke apart. And that raised the question. How could you fix something that never was?
“I’m sorry,” Ulla whispered and pulled her close, resting her head on her chest as she felt her fingers run through her hair, “I love you.” But the way she said it made the two phrases sound like one. I’m sorry, I love you. I’m sorry, I love you- I apologize. I don’t know how to stop. I’ve never learned how to unlove- teach me how to forget you. She felt the other’s arms squeeze, but her force couldn’t fix all the little tiny cracks and fuse all the little broken pieces of herself back together. Closing her eyes, she sighed then inhaled deeply, wanting to remember the feeling.
“I’m sorry, I love you too.”
~~
All her life she had been small. When she was in middle school her parents took her to the doctor, worried that her stunted growth was just that- stunted. Luckily, there was nothing wrong with her nutritionally. Unluckily, she would always need to stand on her toes to reach the high cupboards. The thing was though, Ulla never felt like she lacked anything- her personality more than made up for it. But the day that Donella took her things, leaving their apartment and lab half empty, for the first time she felt it. How there was too much space around her, the way her footsteps echoed as she moved- this crippling hollowness like there was something missing. She felt small.