Work Text:
Prologue .
Sunghoon could feel his hands tremble, could hear the sound of his heart beating rapidly against his ribcage, the constant thuds echoing in his ears sending his brain to the brink of insanity. He stared, eyes wide and mouth agape, vision manually blurring as he tried to process what was in front of him.
The plastic bag filled with peach and blueberry soda, melon bars, and kitkats fell lifelessly to the floor, his knees following soon after, the harsh thud most definitely was heard on the first floor. He stared and stared, blinking up at the ceiling in hopes of the sight in front of him disappearing, but all it did was allow the tears that had pilled up to escape and flow down his cheeks, their little dance mimicking his frenzied heartbeat.
“Sunghoonie? Jaeyunnie? I heard a loud noise, are you okay- OH MY GOD!” the screams echoed alongside his heart, or rather, the breaking it. Miss Sim screamed and yelled, falling close to him onto the floor, where he could only stare up in a moment of numbness.
There were cries, screams, phone calls, and sirens. There were doctors, police officers, and firefighters. There was rain and thunder. There was a gentle voice and a gentle hand shaking Sunghoon, helping him get back up on his feet and even drive him to a police station. There was a hole in his heart, there was a sickening taste in his mouth, and soon, there were more tears joining in on the dance.
There was so much going on, and there were so many people, yet his favourite person wasn’t amongst any of them. His love, his best friend, his flame, his life companion was gone. Had been taken away before his very eyes, had been scurried away on a loud ambulance with too many people squeezing into the backseat. His presence in the room was replaced by a police officer offering Sunghoon a tissue, it was replaced with cold air, with a sickening and stuffy atmosphere that made his stomach churn.
The memory will be engraved in his mind forever.
8th of December, 2024. The exact number combination that he will stare at angrily every weekend when he goes to the cemetery, the number that he will rip and scratch out of every calendar, the date will never be remembered with a smile by Sunghoon.
The date where he lost his sun, the day he lost his happy place, the day his life became nothing but dull noises and distant memories.
“I’m so sorry,” Sunghoon whispered, wet and hoarse. He looked up at the brightly lit up sky, the moon shining and stars sparkling, allowing the raven to fall deep into their trance, his body leaning close to the bridge railing, “I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you the same as you saved me.”
His body was freezing, the thin fabric of his dark hoodie providing him little to no warmth. Sunghoon shuddered, his spine hurting from the cold as he stood stock-still, his fingers frozen long ago, his hood covering his reddened ears, offering him some sort of protection from the chilly wind blowing fast. It was always cold and chilly on the bridge, especially in the late evenings when the only sounds were the soft waters and busy highways.
“I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner,” Sunghoon kept talking in hushed whispers, dropping his head to stare aimlessly at the dark waters. They looked so deep as if they were filled up to the brim with dark paint, engulfing the crystal clear waters that he passes by in the daytime, replacing them with suffocating endless empty bodies of water.
“The convenience store I went to first didn’t have peach soda,” he chuckled, cradling his bracelet gently in his hands, “I had to go to the city centre just to get your favourite drink,” he sniffed, whipping the snot that was forming in his nose away, blinking once more to make his vision clearer, “I ran all the way to your house, so excited to binge-watch out the favourite show together, you still remember what it was, right?” he teased, glancing up at the moon with sad eyes.
“You used to be my sun, but nowadays, I feel like I associate you more with the moon,” he fidgetted with the small chain in his hands some more, “especially when I come here at night, it feels like I have you all to myself.”
“We used to always cross this bridge when we walked to school, you often teased me about my bike riding skills when we passed it each time as kids, I still have that picture mom took of us safely kept in my wallet,” Sunghon talked and talked and talked, catching up with his friend with a heavy chest.
It was so late and so cold, but Sunghoon couldn’t get up and leave, he wanted to stay here, stay here with his best friend, the love of his life.
“I miss you so much, Yunnie,” he allowed the tears to freely fall, not caring how his vision blurred over and over, “I hate having to wake up and not see you, I hate going to school and not sitting next to you, I hate walking home alone without you holding my hand, I hate it so fucking much,” he sobbed, dropping his head low, trying to repress a loud scream, “please just, please come back to me.”
He cried so much, he cried like he did any other day, the aching pain in his chest amplifying with every intake of breath.
“I didn’t get to see you that day,” the air was freezing at this point, no one else daring to go out this late in such cold weather, allowing him to freely cry his pain away, “and when I did, it was something I will never forget...it was your body, Yunnie,...it was lifelessly hanging in the middle of the room...as if you were some fucking ornament.”
“Baby,” he cried harder and harder, dropping down on the dirty pavement, not caring how insane he must look, “I miss you so fucking much.”
🖤
January 25, 2025.
“Thank you,” Sunghoon bowed, tone quiet and gentle as he picked up the peach soda can and jelly packet and placed them both in his hoodie pocket. The cashier behind the register mumbled a half-assed “have a nice day” and went back to the crossword puzzle they had been doing before Sunghoon had come in.
He could tell the worker wasn’t too pleased with the raven’s presence at 11 PM on a Wednesday evening, but Sunghoon couldn’t find it in himself to feel apologetic. The inside of the warm corner store had allowed Sunghoon’s body to heat up after nearly freezing to death by the bridge. His senses were filled with the weirdly pleasant scent of cleaning products and warm fish cakes, calming him down as he sat down by the tables in the corner, opening up his favourite fruit jelly snacks and slowly chewing on them as he looked out of the wide windows of the 7/11.
Sunghoon felt sore and deadbeat tired, the only thing he wanted to do was go home and crash on his bed and sleep for a solid year or so, but he couldn’t bring himself to get up and march home, no matter how cold his toes were and how painfully loud his headache was. He didn’t want to go home, he didn’t feel good there, he didn’t feel welcomed, and he sure as hell didn’t feel safe.
Sighing, the raven cracked open the pink soda can and took a few sips, scrunching up his nose afterwards, “Blah,” he mumbled, swishing the drink around his mouth before swallowing, looking at the packaging with a grimace, “Why do you like this stuff?”
Nevertheless, Sunghoon continued to sip on the drink with a very upset stomach, not caring how the minutes go by in a blur. A few people had walked in and out, mostly drunkards splurging on cheap soju and wine, and cigarettes, a few students coming back from cram school and a fair share of randoms.
The raven assumes that it’s around midnight when the previous cashier gets replaced by a new one, their exchange short-lived as the worker rushed home to most likely sleep or do school work.
Sunghoon didn’t move, only sat and sipped his drink, wondering how long he should delay his outing before he can get home. Maybe he should leave around 1 AM, his dad usually passes out at around 12 on the couch, he just has to make sure his mother is asleep as well. Yeah, he’ll go home around 1, that should be a safe time to head out.
“-Ya! What the hell are you doing?” The raven looked up, a little startled by the sudden shout. He assumed it was aimed at him considering he was the only one here, but that clearly wasn’t the case as he watched the worker walk away from the register and head to a random aisle in the small convenience store. Sunghoon raised his eyebrows, putting his hood back up and getting up as well, walking towards the ruckus in interest.
“Kid! Put that shit back, I saw you smuggle it in your pocket!” The worker yelled more, clearly trying to reach for some random person’s jacket, “I’m going to call the police on you!”
“Wait!” the kid yelled. The boy clearly was young, his voice in the phase of breaking, arms and legs too lanky and long for his body, hair a messy ash-blond, and face pale with a few acne scars. Judging by the slight accent, the kid wasn’t Korean, “Please, I was going to pay, but I forgot to bring money! If you let me take this home, I can bring it to you by tomorrow morning and-”
“Oh yeah, like I haven’t heard that one before, give me the goddamn triangle kimbap, I’m this close to calling the cops on you, dimwit!”
“Please! I promise I-”
“I can pay, “ Sunghoon butted in, not knowing what came over him. He didn’t know either of them, he didn’t work here and he sure as hell wasn’t swimming in money to pay for a random stranger’s meal, but the desperation, exhaustion, and sheer sadness in the kid’s voice grazed something in Sunghoon’s heart. He couldn’t help but help out.
“What?” the cashier asked, looking at the raven as if he was insane, holding on to the kid’s jacket that was clearly stuffed with a few triangle kimbap. The ashey-blonde stared at Sunghoon with wide eyes, his eyebags and dark circles clear as day as he observed him with a wary expression. He was young, maybe a little younger than Sunghoon himself, and judging by the situation, in dire need of some help.
“I’ll pay for him,” he said nonchalant, pulling out his wallet, not taking his eyes off the boy. He had a small mole on his chin, dark eyebrows, and pouty lips, “don’t have to call the police, if they get paid for.”
The three of them timidly walked to the register, the boy sticking close to Sunghoon as he paid for the three kimbap. It was a weird mix - one was tuna, one was spicy pork, and one was tuna kimchi, making Sunghoon feel as though he grabbed them all in a hurry. Maybe he had a plan to flee as fast as possible after grabbing them.
The blonde kept his eyes wide, protectively holding onto the snacks as he observed Sunghoon scan his credit card as if he had never seen the process happen before.
“Thank you, please come again soon,” the cashier said through gritted teeth, glaring at the boy as the two made their exit, the chilly air hitting them from every possible direction. Sunghoon could already see his breath due to the cold, he wonders if it might even start snowing soon.
“T-Thank you, “ the boy stuttered, bowing down a few times to express his gratitude, “w-why did you help...me?”
Sunghoon kept staring at him, not being able to understand the reason himself. Maybe it was his intuition and gut feeling that led him to spend 2100 won on three kimbap, or maybe it was an impulse decision, who knows. He kept staring a the boy who stares back, eyes wide, clearly nervous.
“I wanted to,” was the answer he came up with whilst shoving his cold hands into the pockets of his hoodie, “and three kimbap can’t damage my bank balance that much.”
The boy chuckled, putting the snacks into his own pockets, the tension between them easing as they stood outside of the store, the night air chilly and dark all around them.
“Shouldn’t you be sleeping soundly at home, it’s a school night,” Sunghoon tested.
He tensed, which the raven expected.
“You don’t have to tell me your life story,” he offered, not being able to stop himself from wanting to dig deeper into this kid’s life story, there was clearly something going on if it came down to him trying to steal kimbap at midnight. He didn’t look like your typical delinquent, nor did he look like he truly wanted to do it. He had to do it.
He still didn’t say anything so Sunghoon spoke for him, “Do you need help getting home?”
The boy shrugged, making the raven sigh and shuffle around, “I’ll take you to the station, I’m heading there as well.”
To his surprise, the boy nodded eagerly, as if these were the words he wanted to hear his whole life, “Yes, please, I-I have to meet my sister there.”
Sunghoon raised an eyebrow but didn’t say anything, only started to walk towards the direction of the centre, not wanting to spend more time in the cold weather.
“Oh,” the boy suddenly said, making Sunghoon turn to him with a questioning gaze, “I’m Riki. Nishimura Riki.”
Sunghoon stared at the boy again, as if taking a mental image of him. He had a Japanese surname, so he clearly wasn’t Korean, which Sunghoon suspected as much. The fact alone intrigued him even more. What the hell was a foreigner doing wandering the streets of his shabby city with no parental supervision or money. Maybe he was an exchange student? Or maybe a tourist who got lost? He did say he was meeting his sister...But his Korean is pretty good.
He snapped out of his thoughts, focusing back on Riki, who stared at him with an expecting gaze.
“Sunghoon. My name is Park Sunghoon.”
All the Japanese male did was smile at him as the two made their way toward the subway station. Sunghoon couldn’t explain it, but something about the younger man gave him a weird instinct to protect him, as if he was someone important to him. Which he knows sounds absolutely ridiculous because they just met and they’re complete strangers.
🤍
If Sunghoon was being honest, he didn’t expect to meet Riki after that ever again because that’s usually what happens — you meet someone, click immediately and then sort of forget about each other the next day. Yet somehow the raven couldn’t just forget the younger, there was a bickering voice in the back of his brain worrying about the male and his supposed sister.
Sunghoon exhaled, zipping his hoodie fully up after exiting the school building. It has been yet another dull and boring day without Jaeyun, he doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to that.
Falling out of love or losing connection is one thing, but losing someone forever without a chance to even ask them how they’ve been is completely different. Jaeyun and he were together all the time for so many years, even if they fought, one of them went on vacation or a sports competition, at the end of it they’d still be in each other’s arms.
He bitterly held onto the loose-chained bracelet, making his way towards the same bridge he frequented every day after school, finding it to be one of his safe spaces after what had happened.
A lot of people have stopped talking to him anyway, so what else was he going to spend his time doing today? He left the hockey team a while ago (more so just stopped going) because what was the point of working himself to the bone if his boyfriend wasn’t going to greet him after practice with a bunch of kisses and hot chocolate, what was the point of working hard to get into nationals if he won’t have his number one supporter screaming his name from the top of his lungs? Pointless.
He flicked his head to the side, hoping the tears that had formed around his eyes would leave as soon as possible. He hates crying and for the last couple of weeks, it seems to be the only thing he was good at — crying and wallowing in his own self-pity.
Sunghoon quickened his pace to the bridge, hoping he doesn’t pass any of his schoolmates along the way — he used to not mind them because he had Jaeyun next to him talking and greeting everyone, he had Jaeyun introduce him to his friends, had Jaeyun be the sweetest person on the Earth to every passing person. Yet now he was alone; he didn’t even bother communicating with his boyfriend’s friends, knowing that it won’t lead to anything.
He doesn’t need anyone to talk to, he doesn’t need his boyfriend’s friends, his alcoholic stepfather or his emotionally detached mother, nor a goddamn therapist his nurse at the time had suggested. All he needed was his baby. Nothing else.
It had been roughly 4 weeks since that day, what was the point of trying to change anything now. He knows he won’t change — Jaeyun was his words, he was his everything and the only thing keeping him going, without Jaeyun he felt lost and alone…and now he actually was. He was left alone with no one but his thoughts and the memories of his love.
Sunghoon blames himself without a doubt for what happened with Jaeyun, no matter how much his boyfriend’s mother tried to tell him that he was in no way responsible. He was. He wasn’t there for him, he didn’t see his struggles, he didn’t even try to see through the happy smiles and cheery eyes, he was so fucking selfish and it ended up backfiring in the worst way possible. Sunghoon could’ve done so much more, but all he did was rely on his boyfriend like a lifeline whilst he himself slipped away.
Were you pretending to be okay this whole time? Did you always feel so unhappy and tired? Did you not find refuge in me the way I did in you?
More tears slipped past his cheeks as he strolled towards the bridge, wanting to get there as soon as he could. He knows he won’t meet Jaeyun, he knows he won’t get to feel the male’s gentle hands on his nor will he feel butterfly kisses getting pressed on each and every one of his moles, but he couldn't stop the feeling of hope nesting in his chest. He just couldn't.
He wiped his eyes into his hoodie, stopping his hurried walking once he caught a glimpse of the snowy bridge. The upper layer of the water had frozen over with a few cracks here and there from kids throwing rocks or hardened snow onto it, dirt tracks from random people illegally crossing over it and some random sticks and rocks laying on top of it.
Sunghoon didn’t say anything as he reached the railing, taking his usual stance in the middle of the bridge, watching as the still ice simply existed in front of him.
“It’s warmer today,” he mumbled into the air, looking up at the sun that had hidden itself from the clouds, “I’m supposed to meet your mom today, she wanted to see me.”
He wiped his tears again, feeling incredibly sad today.
His voice cracked as he continued to tell his love about his day, “She misses you a lot, I think. I always cry with her when we see each other.”
Sunghoon wiped the snot away from his nose, “S-She’s taking good care of me, like always. And to think I thought she didn’t like me at first…you’re just like her, Yunnie, even if she’s hurting, she takes the time to check up on me, to feed me and even comfort me.”
His tears fell uncontrollably, eyes starting to sting from the cold wind, “I don’t deserve either of you.”
Sunghoon continued to stay there until the short day had darkened, the moon taking its place at roughly 5 PM. His vision blurred once again as he stared at the pale moon, grip tightening at his silver bracelet.
“I miss you,” his hurt was on full display as he stared at the moon with sad eyes, “I need to go now, I will visit you tomorrow because it’s Saturday.”
With one last watery smile, Sunghoon pathetically waved at the moon in the distance, making his way to the house that used to fill him with so much warmth and happiness.
The walk there always feels longer and more painful than it did when he had Jaeyun next to him, talking and laughing about whatever had happened in school whilst holding onto his hand. Yet now, everything felt too dark, too gloomy and way too lonely.
The raven braced himself, ringing the doorbell and trying his hardest to not think about the horrid day where he had rung the doorbell with a smile, snack bag in hand and smile on his face. Now all he brings is a heavy heart and tear-dried eyes.
The door opened and he was happy to have some warmth spread through his heart when he saw Jaeyun’s mom look at him with equally sad eyes.
She hurried him in, putting his bag down in the living room as she said they can have dinner together in the living room. It was only her now — Jaeyun’s father had never been around ever since the raven had met him in 3rd grade. The brunette never liked to talk about it, but now, Sunghoon wishes he did. He wishes he had shared his pain and struggles with him instead of trying to constantly comfort Sunghoon.
“I made some stew,” he smiled to himself as he helped the woman set the living room table, offering to carry the heavy and hot bowl of stew. She still cooks like she’s feeding a whole household even when it’s just her or when Sunghoon comes to visit, it pained him yet warmed his heart knowing that she’s also not able to let go.
They sat around the table, Sunghoon telling her about his horribly boring day at school and how he’s been holding up, which was never good, but he appreciates her concern either way. Miss Sim was fully aware of Sunghoon’s relationship with his own parents because of what a loudmouth Jaeyun was, which he didn't mind, he had nothing to hide - it was what it was, not like he can change much about that now.
“Eat up, there’s more if you want,” she placed more stew into his empty bowl, not even giving the raven a choice. He offered her a small smile and a ‘thank you’ as he dug in. Home-cooked food was something Sunghoon had experienced zero to no times before befriending Jaeyun, his heart is always so warm whenever Miss Sim fed him like her own son.
They ate in silence for a few minutes before the woman exhaled deeply, making Sunghoon stop and look at her in worry, already ready to comfort her if needed, yet all she did was slide a sealed envelope towards him.
Sunghoon tilted his head to the side, looking at her with furrowed eyebrows.
“I-I started cleaning out his room,” she whispered, staring off into the distance with tears brimming her eyes, “it just hurts too much to walk in there anymore.”
Sunghoon wanted to yell “Why?!” because he didn’t want that — he didn’t want the last living part of Jaeyun to be taken away from him. The room…the room where he had done it was the place that brought him so much pain yet so much warmth - they did everything in Jaeyun’s room. It was the place where he had first confessed to Jaeyun, making both of them end up being crying messes as they hugged one another and confessed over and over again; it was the place they shared their first kiss…and their last one; it was the first place Jaeyun had got to have all of him and vice-versa. That room held so many memories and so much love and pain that he couldn’t just let it go.
But this wasn’t his house, he wasn’t constantly having to live with the memories of your one and only son who was no longer he; he wasn’t the one who had to go in there every week and see the flashbacks of the horrid December day.
“Oh,” he mumbled, trying to not show how much his heart was aching from the sheer thought of it.
“I already started with his desk,” she said gently, wiping the tears from her eyes, “I-I just couldn’t handle it anymore, Sunghoonie,” her voice cracked which got Sunghoon to his feet in a heartbeat, going over to sit next to her and engulf her in a hug, “I’m so sorry.”
“I’m sorry too,” he whispered, allowing his own tears to fall as the two stayed like that for a bit, comforting and crying into each other.
“I found that letter in his desk drawer,” she detached herself and leaned over to grab the letter and hand it to Sunghoon, “it was addressed to you.”
Sunghoon felt his heart quickly as he gently took the pale-grey envelope into his hands, eyes already brimming with tears as he brushed his name that had been beautifully written in his lover’s handwriting.
To: My one and only, Sunghoonie ♡
His breath shuddered as he stared at it with relief and so much fucking hurt. After Jaeyun’s passing, he remembers crying every day and every night because it happened so suddenly. He just left his life with no warning, no goodbye and no note…
But now here it was, snug in his palms as he couldn’t take his eyes off it.
“Drawer?” he asked weakly, looking at the letter in his hand with more tears brimming his eyes.
“I found three letters,” she explained softly, holding onto Sunghoon’s back as she tried to explain, “that’s why I called you over. I-I found one for me, one for you, and one for his father.”
Sunghoon closed his eyes harshly, his body shaking as he sobbed into his hands uncontrollably, his chest hurting and hurting and hurting. It was almost unbearable.
Miss Sim was quick to comfort him, holding the boy’s head into her arms as she let him cry his heart out, rubbing his back in hopes of it being soothing.
“I know, honey, I know,” she whispered, patting his lower back as he tried to calm down, “it just hurts knowing that he was struggling for so long.“
The two proceeded to cry until it was time for Sunghoon to head home. Miss Sim had offered him to stay as per usual, but the raven physically couldn’t, he couldn’t find the usual comfort in the house, not anymore at least.
After packing up some extras for him to take home, Sunghoon placed them in his backpack along with the letter. He carefully placed it in between the pages of one of his textbooks so it doesn’t bend or wrinkle along the way.
“Be safe, sweetheart,” Jaeyun’s mother placed gentle hands on his cheeks, looking up at him with the same wide and brown eyes his boyfriend used to sport, “come over anytime you’d like.”
“Thank you,” he whispered, holding onto the wrists of the woman as he smiled as well. Letting her go with a final wave before making his way back home in the pitch-black evening.
Well, not home, but somewhere close to it so he can sneak back into his bedroom without getting yelled at or a bottle thrown at him from one of his parents. He made his usual way towards the 7/11 close to his house, allowing his body to warm up as he entered the shop.
He greeted the worker and headed towards the drink section, looking through all of his options to see what could be good. Melon tea…Blueberry iced tea….Soda…Ah.
He grabbed the peach drink without much more thought and made his way to the cashier. Maybe the second time is the charm.
As he passed by the food isles, he couldn’t help but stop at the large display of kimbap, brain short-circuiting as he looked at them. Whilst having an inner battle with himself on whether he should buy one or not, he automatically thought back to Riki.
He hadn’t seen the boy in a while, no matter how often he goes to this specific 7/11. If he was honest, it was starting to worry him a little bit because the boy was still young and a foreigner. Of course, he’d like to think that the male is somewhere safe and sound with his big sister, yet he still couldn’t ease the shaky feeling away.
Sunghoon grabbed two kimbap and made his way to pay, putting all three items in his backpack as he headed towards the subway station.
He knows he was being irrational and borderline ridiculous, but he needs to get the feeling off his chest — he needs to make sure that Riki is not sleeping somewhere on the cold streets in the middle of winter, he just has to.
Sunghoon’s pace was rushed as he made his small walk towards the centre, happy that the city lights were already on and he wasn’t walking through pitch-black streets. He was never fond of the dark and neither was Jaeyun, so winter wasn’t their favourite season when it came to going on walks or dates.
As he entered the underground subway, he started making his way around, passing by a bunch of homeless people sleeping on the sides, scraped blankets thrown over them with every possible winter cloth on their bodies. Yet none of them looked like the teenage boy he was looking for.
He made his circle and was about to head out because there was nothing he needed here before a small voice called out for him.
“S-Sunghoon Hyung?” He knew he made the right choice, he should really stop doubting his gut feeling.
The raven quickly turned around, eyes scanning the area in hopes of finding the source of the voice.
“Hyung!”
His eyes spotted Riki bundled up in a small corner of the station, face so incredibly lost and scared. The raven quickly made his way towards the boy, passing by other sleeping bodies before crouching down and observing the frightened boy.
“What happened?”
“Hyung!” without another warning, the Japanese male flung himself onto Sunghoon, his body shaking as he let out sob after sob into the raven’s shoulder, “ M-My sister, they took her, they took my sister and n-now I’m alone and…”
The boy kept crying into him, sobbing words in Japanese that Sunghoon didn’t understand in the slightest, but he understood that the boy was scared and alone, he needed someone and the raven wasn’t going to think twice about being that someone.
He sat down next to him, allowing the younger to cry into him for as long as he needed, petting the back of his head in hopes of calming him down. He sounded so broken; he sounded like he was left alone in this cruel world which only made Sunghoon hug him tighter because he understood the feeling, he knew what it felt like to be thrown completely off your track and shoved into a situation you never ever wanted.
“What’s wrong?” he asked after Riki had calmed down, lying on the raven’s shoulder in exhaustion. After he had calmed down, Sunghoon had given him some water from his water bottle and the leftovers Miss Sim had given him, wanting the boy to eat something because he looked pale and thin.
Riki paused his slurping, downing the container like water. The younger one looked at Sunghoon with the same sad eyes, his lips forming a huge pout.
“Noona…” he started nervously, putting the half-empty container on his lap, “S-She was…uh, taken, by the police.”
“Arrested?” Sunghoon questioned, looking back at the male with raised eyebrows.
He nodded, eyes brimming with tears again, “W-We were, uh, looking for a job around here, but…but something happened, and they took my sister away.”
Riki sounded like he didn’t fully understand the reason his sister was taken which hurt a lot more than knowing fully — he can’t imagine how terrifying it must be to be in a foreign country with no money, no family and a basic understanding of the language. Sunghoon’s heart ached horribly at that.
If Jaeyun was around, he’d definitely have a plan, maybe even offer to keep Riki in his house until they figure something out, but Sunghoon couldn’t even offer him that because he was unwanted in his own home.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, patting the back of the boy’s head in comfort, not knowing what much else to do. It was already getting late, he guesses it was around 8 PM yet it felt like the middle of the night with the lack of light and warmth.
Somewhere along the line, Riki had finished the food and fallen asleep on Sunghoon’s shoulder, body too tired and sleep-deprived to even bother staying awake. And apparently, a stranger like Sunghoon was a safe space enough to literally pass out then and there.
The raven sighed, getting himself comfortable as well because he doubts he’ll be going home at this rate. He adjusted the pale blanket over Riki’s body, putting the container back into his back, eyes noticing the slightly open textbook, the grey envelope peeking out.
He stares at it with a heavy heart, debating if he should read it here or at all . Today has already been enough for him emotionally, but he fucking misses Jaeyun. The little photos on his phone weren’t enough, the two sweaters that Jaeyun had allowed him to take home weren’t enough, nothing was ever enough. He needed closure, he craved for it more than anything and maybe this was it, maybe after this, he could finally sleep with a lighter heart, just maybe.
Sunghoon carefully took out the envelope and his phone, needing a slightly better light source than the shitty subway lamps.
His hands shook and he tried to open the letter as carefully as possible, not wanting to rip the pretty envelope or its contents.
It smelled like Jaeyun.
Sunghoon’s eyes already stung and he hadn’t even opened the fucking thing. It gave off the fragrance of Jaeyun’s perfume - a nice mix of vanilla and blueberries, not to mention of home. So sweet and gentle.
The raven sighed with a small smile, sniffing the envelope once more before placing it in his bag for safe keeping, manoeuvring his flashlight and the letter in a way that won’t disturb the sleeping boy on his shoulder.
He opened it with a heavily beating heart, the tears already falling before he could get through the start of the letter.
Hoonie ♡
I hope you never have to read this. I'm so incredibly sorry if you do.
The day that I’m writing this is December 1st, what a weird way to spend the start of winter, isn’t it? I wish I could’ve seen you today, but we were both so busy that I just settled with looking at my little picture collection hihi~
I know that we agreed to always tell each other everything, so I’m sorry for lying to you, Hoon-ah, I just couldn't ask that much from you. I'm so sorry for failing you and not trying my hardest and not taking my own advice, but I think I was never as strong as you are, darling.
Today was hard for me, I could barely get out of bed without crying my eyes out - weird, right? I always try to be happy for everyone and I hope it was helping them, but I guess all those happy years are finally tracking back to me, haha.
It’s hard.
It’s so incredibly hard, Hoon-ah.
I have been thinking long and hard about what to write in your letter, about how I can justify myself and my actions, but I just can't because there are no words to explain the pain in my chest. But maybe explaining nothing is the best way to explain my feelings.
I love you so much, you don’t even know. I want to be with you for a very long time, I want to watch you graduate and start your professional hockey career, you always know I’m going to be cheering for you. I want to go on a million and one dates with you, I want to travel the world with you, I want to move into a big house by the beach with you, I want to decorate our dream bedroom with you and argue about what colour we should make the walls. I want to love you every single day and never see the sadness on your face.
I want to grow old together with kids of our own, I want to have as many dogs as babies with you, I want to do it all.
But Hoon-ah…
I can’t.
I can’t stand waking up and watching my mother look at me with those sad eyes, I can’t stand waking up and watching people rely on me so much, I can’t stand not being able to breathe every time I think about how much resentment my grandparents have towards me. Sunghoonie, I just can’t do it anymore.
I tried really hard, I promise I did…but today I woke up and I couldn’t handle it anymore.
Today my mother broke down because of dad again, she wouldn’t stop crying for ages and all I could do was sit in my room and think about how I’m only causing her pain by staying here.
I am sorry for telling you my pain like this, hence why I hope you don’t even find this. I want you to live a happy life and remember me as someone who was always glad to share your pain, I want you to remember me as someone who tried to heal you.
I know this seems so rushed, I know we could’ve talked this out, I know you’re dealing with so much that my problems would only worsen the pain in your own heart. But life just doesn’t work out like that, does it?
Everyone has their death, I just happened to choose it.
Maybe we can live by the beach in our next life? Would you like that? Just you and I…somewhere far away from that small town with nothing but trouble and pain.
I hope you’re always happy, Sunghoon. You better be happy forever, okay? Don’t even think about not being happy, that’s an order!
I love you so much. I love you so incredibly much Sunghoon-ah. I hope you are the happiest in this life. ♡
Yours until the end of time, Jaeyunie.
Sunghoon was a sobbing mess as he finished the letter, trying his hardest to subdue the horrible whines that bubbled in his throat, but he knew it was useless. He couldn’t hold it in as he re-read the paper over and over again, his heart aching as if it was being ripped apart with brutal hands.
“Hyung, you can cry,” and that was enough for the raven to cry hard into Riki’s arms, mumbling how life is so fucking cruel and unfair, how he could’ve done better, how he could’ve made Jaeyun stay.
Riki didn’t understand what he meant, but he understood his pain.
The two cried together until they passed out from exhaustion, the letter snug against Sunghoon’s chest as he rested his head on Riki’s, the younger sleeping comfortably on his shoulder.
They were both hurting so bad, but somehow the presence of each other helped them ease it the slightest bit. Having someone is always more than having no one, he just wished Jaeyun could’ve seen that he had him and will always have him.
🖤
“Hyung, Hyung, wake up ,” Sunghoon groaned, already feeling the horrible stiffness of his neck as he blinked open his eyes, yawning as he watched random people walk by them, some even throwing them dirty looks as they made their way to the subway train. Heglared right back at them as they did.
“God, my fucking neck,” he mumbled, pulling at his neck with a hiss, the area was definitely knocked up, he doubts it will go away anytime soon.
“Hyung,” Riki called out for him again, Sunghoon humming in acknowledgement as he tried to massage the tight area at the back of his neck.
“I’m scared.”
The raven looked back at the younger, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. It was probably roughly around 6 AM or earlier, the subway already crowding with business people and students, some of the homeless people even walking around, hunting for loose change.
“Of what?”
Riki only looked at him with scared eyes, handing him the newspaper that he apparently picked up from around the area as Sunghoon slept. The older raised an eyebrow but took the paper into his hands anyway, looking around the first page to see what has caused the Japanese male such distress.
TODAY’S NEWS: A new hospital that had been in the works has finally made its…
…new model joins the game with a HOT debut…
…the political party is still in denial and wishes to…
He turned to Riki once again, “It’s today’s news, what’s wrong?”
The boy was quick to point a finger at a random place on the paper, making Sunghoon flick his vision to the pointed area, brows knitted in focus as he stared at the contents.
December 1st, 2025.
What?
Sunghoon quickly stood up, walking over to the newspaper stand that had been opened around an hour ago, grabbing a handful of them to check the front page, hoping that this was some sick fucking joke that Riki had decided to play on him.
“What the fuck?” he cursed, looking at the paper with disbelief, Riki having joined him somewhere along the line. Sunghoon quickly whipped out his phone, unlocking the front screen with shaky hands.
He was greeted with his usual wallpaper — a happy Jaeyun playing around with a random cat they had met in their first year of high school, a bright smile on his face as he stared at the camera with crescent eyes. Yet Sunghoon couldn’t feel anything as he stared at his lock screen that read — 6:32 AM, Friday, December 1st.
What the fuck?!
“Hyung, what’s going on?” Riki asked with a trembling voice, subconsciously holding onto Sunghoon’s hoodie with wide eyes, “I’m freaking out.”
“Wait,” the raven ran to the closest person he saw, which happened to be a young girl, probably on her way to school if he had to assume. This was definitely off - it was supposed to be a random date in January, not the start of December, a week before Jaeyun’s death.
“E-Excuse me?” he asked unsure, startling the girl as she took out her earphones. The sight in front of her looked probably crazy - a very dishevelled Sunghoon and a terrified Riki clinging onto him - so he doesn’t even blame her for looking at them with such sceptical eyes.
“Sorry to bother, but what is the date today?”
She looked at him up and down for a bit before unlocking her phone, showing it to them after, “It’s December 1st.”
Sunghoon swallowed to himself, feeling his whole body shake with fear.
“Thank you,” he whispered and dragged both of them back to their designated place that they made the previous night. He looked down at his open backpack and tried his hardest to not scream in terror — the container with Miss Sim’s food was gone and so was the grey envelope.
“What the hell?” he whispered, going through the bag in a hurry, wondering if he might’ve simply misplaced them yesterday in his emotion-stirred state.
“H-Hyung?” Sunghoon turned to the younger, eyes equally as frightened.
“I-I don’t know, I don’t understand either,” he whispered, unsure.
The raven got his phone out again, hands incredibly shaky as he went to his contacts. He didn’t have that many — only his mother, Jaeyun and Jaeyun’s mother’s numbers were the only contacts there. His fingers hesitated before he clicked on the contact “My Angel ❤️🩹”, breath hitching once he heard the phone ring.
He placed the phone next to his ear and waited, heart heavy in his chest as the anticipation stirred through him — he must be absolutely losing his mind right now because there is no way in hell he was currently teleported back a whole month out of nowhere. This has to be some sick joke or a fever dream.
There was no answer for a while so Sunghoon stopped the call, exhaling deeply as he looked back at the younger, shoulders sagging in defeat.
“I-I think we’ve gone back in time?” he tried explaining as best as he could, pulling out his trusty Google Translate in hopes of explaining some sense to Riki - which only ended up with both of them confused and lost.
“Your Noona,” Sunghoon asked as the two walked out of the station, noticing the incredible change in weather from “yesterday”. The snow hadn’t even started to fall and the only thing that indicated that it was close to winter was the harsh cold and fallen leaves. It was exactly like the week Jaeyun passed.
He didn’t want to hope because he doesn’t know if he was strong enough to be this crushed. So he opted to help Riki before he broke his own heart.
“Where do you think she is?” He asked as the two walked around the streets, their eyes trying to see something in the darkened winter morning.
The Japanese male shrugged, but continued walking, “W-We came here on the 1st of December, on a bus.”
The raven nodded, looking around once more to get his orientation under control, “What time did you pull in?”
“Morning,” he explained, looking back at the older male, “do you think…?”
“We can try,” he whispered, assuring the younger. He was not sure what the hell was happening or what he was doing, but if there was a chance that Riki could be reunited with his family, then there is no harm in trying. The younger deserved to have someone by his side that wasn’t a depressed teenager with no will to live.
The two made their way to the bus station that was located pretty close to the subway station, seating themselves somewhere close to the bus that supposedly had pulled up Riki and his sister.
Sunghoon’s leg jumped up and down as he stared down at his phone as they waited. He couldn’t help the uneasy feeling that settled deep within him — he knows that there is no way that he was here, a month back, waiting for the moment Jaeyun wakes up and calls him.
“Are you worried?” Riki asked softly, swinging his legs as they waited, “About your boyfriend?”
Sunghoon nodded, trying to not let the tears form, “Yeah.”
The younger nodded, looking around the buses that had pulled in one by one, eyes trailing all of them like a lost puppy.
Finally, after what felt like ages, a bus that was numbered “17” pulled up to their exact sitting spot, Riki quickly jumped up as everyone shuffled out of it.
And Sunghoon was about to grab his arm and lead them out of the station because it didn’t look like any of these people were Riki’s Noona, until a short-haired curly female got off, looking all around the place in a panic. And Sunghoon just knew it was Riki’s sister from the way the two looked almost identical.
“ Riki-kun !” the woman cried out, sprinting towards the two with worried eyes, “where did you go? I blinked to take our stuff from the top compartment and you run off annoying strangers? Have you gone bad?“
Sunghoon didn’t know what she said, but she sounded worried, which somehow eases his heart because Riki finally had someone who took care of him and worried for him. The young boy started crying automatically after being back in the arms of his sister, making the female look at Sunghoon with confused eyes.
The raven only shrugged with a smile, eyes brimming with his own tears as he rubbed the back of the boy’s back, truly happy for the male to be reunited with his loved one.
“Hyung,” Riki cried out, turning towards Sunghoon and engulfing him in a tight hug, “thank you.”
The raven wanted to say how the boy had absolutely nothing to thank him for because he doesn’t even understand what was happening, but he settled on tightening his arms around the boy and hugging him tighter, “Don’t worry about it.“
They hugged for longer before Riki detached to throw his body back to his sister’s, making Sunghoon laugh and wipe the tears away from his face, bowing down to the sister when the three had to exit the station.
Riki promised to be safe and stick with his Noona no matter what before the two parted their ways, Sunghoon wanting to get to his boyfriend’s house as soon as he could.
“I hope you meet him,” Riki smiled, hugging the raven once again, whispering something Sunghoon didn’t understand, “and save him.”
The older man nodded, smiling at the boy before turning his way towards the familiar destination.
It was only 7:30 AM, but he knew Jaeyun was awake, he knew the shorter one was probably eating breakfast by their beautiful dining table whilst sending his mother off to work with a cheery smile, discussing the plan for the day before Sunghoon comes to pick the boy up.
He picked up his pace, chest heavy as he walked up the front door. He was here yesterday, crying his eyes out into Jaeyun’s mother's warm embrace and now he was back - heart hopeful and on edge.
He inhaled deeply before knocking on the front door. Sunghoon could feel the blood pumping through his veins as he nervously waited for the door to open.
“Coming!”
The raven’s eyes watered at the voice - the same voice that made him so incredibly happy, the voice that always cheered him on, the voice that made him laugh and cry the loudest, the voice that he missed so much . The voice of his boyfriend was right behind the door.
And when it opened, Sunghoon nearly fell to his knees crying.
Right in front of him stood Jaeyun - still clad in his pyjamas, hair a mess and eyes wide, staring at him with surprise and the whole fucking universe behind them. Sunghoon felt his own heart burst once he saw the gentle blush blossom on the boy’s face, watched him stutter to understand why Sunghoon was here so early yet all of those words went over his head as Sunghoon dived towards him, holding so incredibly close that he was scared if he even dared to let go this dream would end and he would be back in hell.
“Hoonie?” Jaeyun asks softly, holding onto his boyfriend with worry, “Are you alright?”
“You’re here,” Sunghoon croaked out, crying into the smaller’s shoulder, holding him so incredibly close it was almost worrying, “you’re right here.”
“Of course,” Jaeyun said instantly and that broke Sunghoon even more. He cried horribly into the boy’s shoulder, mumbling about how much he missed and loved him, not bothering to give the brunette explanation because he doesn’t even know what’s happening, he’s just so fucking happy to be back in his lover’s arms.
“Let’s go upstairs,” the brunette offered, closing and locking the door with Sunghoon still clinging onto him for dear life.
With a lot of struggle on Jaeyun’s part, the two had finally made it into the brunette’s bedroom, something about that breaking Sunghoon more and more. He was so fucking happy, but in so much pain at the same time because his angel was sitting before him, hurting the most out of everyone.
Sunghoon tried to gather himself, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t look at Jaeyun without wanting to cry his eyes out.
“Hoon-ah, what’s wrong?”
Sunghoon only shook his head, holding the boy close to his chest, a sudden memory flashing through his mind.
The raven quickly detached himself and walked towards the boy’s desk, ignoring the questions and protest the older was spouting out. He opened the drawer and nearly broke down at the empty envelopes that greeted him, the addressees already written on the grey papers.
“Why?” he whispered, taking the empty envelopes in his hands and walking back to Jaeyun who had been looking at him almost guilty as if Sunghoon just found out his ugliest secret.
“Jaeyun-ah,” he asked wetly, the tears never seeming to stop, “please tell me.”
The brunette’s own tears had already started to run down his cheeks as he wiped them away as best as he could, taking the envelopes into his own hands, “They’re nothing, Hoon.“
His voice was so small, so fragile and nearly broken to the ear. Sunghoon looked up at the ceiling, hoping to stay strong for both of them.
The raven gently removed the envelopes from Jaeyun’s hands, replacing them with his own hands, “I’m here, okay?”
Jaeyun looked at him with a sceptical stare, eyes teary and cheeks rosy, nose running as he tried to calm himself.
“I’m here for you, baby, always,” he whispered, bringing the smaller closer to his chest, wrapping his arms around his neck and mumbling, “I miss you, sweetheart.”
Jaeyun couldn’t begin to start as Sunghoon continued, “Day and night, I miss you so incredibly bad…I think about you wherever I go and see you in everything. I cry because I can’t hold your hand, I scream because you’re not here with me, I am so lost without you Jaeyun-ah.”
“And I know it's selfish,” he whispered as he felt Jaeyun’s tears start seeping through his shirt, the area where Jaeyun had placed himself, “you’re hurting so incredibly bad and all I can do is beg for you to stay.”
He knew his boyfriend understood him completely because of the way he shook in his hold, finally letting everything he had been holding within go — Sunghoon couldn’t help but join in on the crying. Never had he seen Jaeyun so absolutely broken, so incredibly lost.
“We’ll work on it together, okay?” he whispered, not really of what he was saying at this point, he just felt the need to keep talking to convince himself that it will be fine and they will get through it, he will save Jaeyun the same way he saved him.
“It hurts….” the brunette continued to mumble and whimper, holding onto Sunghoon tightly, “it hurts so bad, Hoon-ah.”
“I know, pup, I know, you can tell me about everything.”
They didn’t go to school that day, they didn’t even leave Jaeyun’s house for the next three. Sunghoon was too scared to let go, he didn’t want to lose him again — and the closer they were getting to December 8th, the more scared he was getting.
Jaeyun was still here, was still smiling at him with those big brown eyes, was still happily holding his hand and kissing his moles, yet now he also shared his troubles, told Sunghoon about his horrible inner battle about being a burden, talked about how he wishes things would be and cried into the raven’s embrace. He knows three days and some small confessions won't fix anything, but it's a start - it's a start for a better mental and a future. They will find help together.
It was enough for now — enough for Sunghoon to know that Jaeyun trusts him and will talk to him if he gets into one of his moods. He loves the boy so incredibly dearly, that he cannot afford to lose him again.
“I love you,” he had whispered somewhere into the night, holding his baby under his chin, massaging the boy’s back as they cuddled on Jaeyun’s bed.
“I love you,” Jaeyun whispered back, placing a gentle peck on the boy’s neck, exhaling in content as the night grew darker.
“Do you want some snacks?” Sunghoon asked, looking down at the lump of brown hair, grimacing when he felt a few strands fall into his mouth.
The older man looked up with a glint in his eye, nodding happily, wanting to finally exit the four walls of his room.
Of course, they left the room here and there to eat the wonderful food Miss Sim had cooked (and talk about everything concerning the letters because Sunghoon knows that the woman needs to know, she just does), but neither of them wanted to step foot outside the cold winter night, especially in the pitch-black dark.
“7/11?”
Jaeyun nodded in agreement and the two left the house hand in hand, huddled up together as they hurried towards the convenience store. It was getting much colder, the first slow right around the corner as everyone began to change into their winter clothes and put on their winter tires.
“Hello,” the two half-heartedly greeted the worker, going straight to the instant ramen section to pick out their late-night feast.
“I want something cheesy…” Jaeyun mumbled, looking through the big selection of cup noodles whilst Sunghoon picked out his usual one, waiting for his boyfriend to plop one in the cart so they could go get some drinks.
After the ramen, they got their favourite drinks — two peach drinks.
“I thought you hated it,” Jaeyun laughed as he watched Sunghoon put the carbonated drink into the basket, “you said multiple times that you’d rather drink sewage water.”
Sunghoon rolled his eyes yet didn’t bother to correct him - he had grown to not mind the drink that much.
As they made their way to pay, Sunghoon’s breath hitched in his throat once he recognised the worker.
“Sunghoonie Hyung?”
“Riki-ah?”
Jaeyun stares between the two, raising an eyebrow at his boyfriend because the last time he checked, the male couldn’t make friends to save his life, he was surprised he could even talk to anyone that wasn’t Jaeyun.
“You work here now?” the raven asked in joy, watching the boy nod, proudly and show off his nametag.
“Yep! So does Noona!”
“That’s super cool, Riki,” Sunghoon beamed at him, allowing Riki to scan their items before turning to Jaeyun.
“Jaeyun-ah, this is my friend Nishinura Riki, he and his sister moved here not too long ago,” he introduced him, “Riki, this is my wonderful boyfriend, Sim Jaeyun.”
“It’s nice to finally meet you!” The boy beamed a smile so incredibly genuine that Jaeyun felt slightly uncomfortable with the way the two were looking at him.
“You as well,” he nevertheless bowed down sincerely, offering the male a smile as he took the ramen cups, ready to fill them with hot water.
“I’ll go make these,” Jaeyun offered, leaving the two to their own for a while, sensing that they wanted to catch up for a bit.
“Okay, love,” Sunghoon waved him off, watching as his boyfriend walked off with a slight bounce in his step.
“He’s pretty,” Riki offered, nudging the male on his arm teasingly, “I’m happy everything is okay.”
“Same to you, bud,” The raven nudged back, smiling proudly at the boy, “I’m happy everything is okay. ”
He waved Riki off and walked to the small sitting section of the store, attacking the unexpecting brunette with a bunch of kisses once he got there, earning a lot of laughs and whines from the boy.
“What has gotten into you?” Jaeyun teased, laughing once the male finally settled down in the seat next to him, scooting it as close as he could, “Not that I’m complaining.”
“I just,” Sunghoon whispered, taking the male’s hand in his, heart content as he looked at their matching bracelets so close together, “really happy you’re here with me.”
Jaeyun offered him a gentle smile, holding onto the raven tighter, “Yeah,” he leaned over, placing a gentle peck on the raven’s lips, “I am too.”