Chapter Text
There were side-effects to Jogress evolution. That kind of bond with not just his partner Digimon, but with another person and his partner Digimon, was such a profound thing that it had to leave a mark. Even if it had only happened the one time, Ken was certain it would have left him permanently changed by the experience, but it had been reinforced by the dozens of times XV-mon and Stingmon had merged. It had taken them years to notice the side effects, because they were subtle and most of them could be explained by their close friendship, but they were undeniably there.
One of those effects was that he could just tell when Daisuke was nearby, even if he couldn’t see or hear him. It was how Ken knew that Daisuke was there the moment he opened the library door, even though he was facing away from it and there were a few rows of bookcases in the way. It was how Daisuke was able to make a beeline for him even though he couldn’t have seen Ken either.
Ken looked up from his workbook as Daisuke flopped into the chair opposite, put his head on the table, and groaned theatrically. He didn’t bother to ask – Daisuke would tell him what the issue was in under a minute. He always did.
“Motomiya, I’m using that paper you just decided to use as a pillow,” Ken said mildly.
Daisuke gave a long-suffering sigh, lifted his head enough to slide the paper out from under it, and then dropped it back to the table. Ken waited.
“Hikari-chan and Takeru are dating,” Daisuke said glumly, his voice slightly muffled by the table, “Like, officially officially. They’re boyfriend and girlfriend now.”
“Oh.”
“It’s not like I didn’t see it coming,” Daisuke continued, “I mean, I’m not stupid. I could tell they liked each other all the way back in fifth grade, but it still stings to hear it. I guess you never really get over your first crush.”
“No, I suppose not.” Ken smiled ruefully across the table at his first, current, and still so far only, crush. He’d certainly not gotten over his crush on Daisuke in the seven years they’d been friends. If anything, ‘crush’ was far too mild a word for what his feelings had grown into. Daisuke was his best friend, his Jogress partner, and the only person besides Wormmon he felt he could tell everything to.
(Well, almost everything.)
“I’m sorry.”
Daisuke finally lifted his head to give him a suspicious look, “Why? It’s not like you ever thought I had a chance with Hikari-chan.”
“Not really.”
Daisuke scowled at him, “Ouch.”
He reached across the table to give Daisuke’s hand a gentle pat. “But whether or not you had a chance with Hikari, it still hurts to have feelings for someone who doesn’t feel the same for you, and I’m sorry you’re going through it. I hope some day you find someone who likes you just as much as you like them.”
That got a smile, at least. “Thanks, Ken. You always know how to cheer me up.”
Ken laughed, “That’s not hard to do. You’re a naturally cheerful person.”
Ken had often thought that emotions seemed to hit Daisuke like a wave hitting a bunch of sea birds – he’d bob up and down a bit, but once it was past there was no sign of the wave, and the birds would all be there swimming as usual. It wasn’t that he didn’t get upset – he was still as hot tempered as he’d been since he was a kid – but he always burned through anger or frustration or sadness quickly, and was soon back to his default state.
Maybe it was because Daisuke let himself feel his emotions so completely that he was able to process them so fast? Ken had never been able to do that. Sometimes it took him days to even recognize what he was feeling – if he recognized it on his own at all. Often, it would take Wormmon or Daisuke saying something for him to realize that he was upset at all.
Daisuke glanced down at the table, and at last seemed to register what Ken was working on. “Oh. Studying for the entrance exams?”
“Yeah.”
“Ah. I’ll get out of your hair, then. I just needed to vent a bit, y’know?”
“I’m nearly done,” Ken said quickly, “If you don’t mind waiting half an hour or so, maybe you can come over for dinner? Mom is always happy to feed you.”
Daisuke grinned, “Your mom’s home cooking sounds like the perfect cure for my broken heart. But I need to run home and get V-mon – he’ll sulk if he realizes he missed a chance to see Wormmon.”
Ken laughed, “Okay. I’ll let mom know you’re coming and meet you there.”
He tried to turn his attention back to studying as Daisuke left, but he couldn’t focus. Hikari and Takeru… well, Daisuke was right, of course, that had been coming for a long time, but Ken found it hard to be happy on their behalf at the moment. Obviously, that was mostly because Daisuke’s feelings had been hurt by it, but there was another (selfish) reason that he didn’t think he could ever admit to anyone.
As long as Daisuke had been pining after Hikari, Ken wouldn’t have to see the person he loved date anyone. Now that Hikari was officially, definitely, not available, there was a chance Daisuke would move on and find himself a girlfriend. He deserved one, of course – Daisuke absolutely deserved someone who would make him happy – but Ken wasn’t ready for that.
He sighed, and began to gather up his study materials. He wasn’t going to be able to focus anymore, so he might as well head home and let mom know that Daisuke was coming over for dinner.
It would happen someday, of course. He would always be Daisuke’s best friend, but someday there was going to be someone who fit into Daisuke’s life in a space where there wasn’t room for Ken, and he would have to make peace with that.
But at least it’s not today, Ken thought.
~~~
Daisuke had always liked going over to the Ichijouji residence. Ken’s home was like Ken himself: quiet and orderly, but in a way that felt comfortable and welcoming. It was relaxing, like taking a late afternoon nap in the sun, and was great when Daisuke wanted a break from the energetic chaos of home.
Of course, that lively, noisy atmosphere was what Ken said he liked most about spending time at the Motomiya residence, and Daisuke knew that was true. He could always tell if Ken was lying to spare someone’s feelings. Maybe it was because they were close friends, or maybe it had to do with being Jogress partners, but he knew.
He started to feel better as soon as the building came in sight. Hikari-chan was dating someone else, and that still stung a little to think about, but spending the evening at Ken’s house always put him in a good mood.
“Hi, Mrs. Ichijouji,” Daisuke bowed to Ken’s mother as she opened the door, “Thanks for having me over.”
She smiled at him warmly, “You know you’re always welcome, Daisuke-kun. And you too, V-mon-chan.”
“Thank you!” V-mon said, and hurried towards Ken’s room while Daisuke was still putting on his slippers. “Wormmon, Ken-chan, we’re here!”
“With how often you come over, we really just ought to give you your own key,” Ken’s father called from the living room.
Daisuke couldn’t help but smile at that. The Ichijoujis really did see him as part of the family these days.
“But the only time I’d need a key is if I were coming over while you guys weren’t home,” Daisuke said, “And I think that would just make me feel sad.”
Mrs. Ichijouji smiled, “Are you trying to butter me up before making a dessert request, Daisuke-kun?”
“I don’t need to this time,” Daisuke replied, holding up the convenience store bag, “I brought sweets with me!”
He slipped into Ken’s room and shut the door behind him while Mrs. Ichijouji was still chuckling. V-mon and Wormmon were already cuddling, and Ken was sitting on the floor, plugging in his game console. Daisuke frowned at the games Ken had pulled out – they were the kind of button-mashing action games he enjoyed most, with none of the more slow-paced games that required strategy and precise timing that Ken enjoyed. They usually had a playful argument over which game to play. He shot Ken a curious look.
“I don’t mind playing one of your silly fighting games this time.”
“Man, you’re really going all out to cheer me up, huh? Do I seem that sad?”
“Motomiya, don’t try that with me,” Ken said firmly, “I know you get over things that upset you quickly, but I know you’re not over your first heartbreak in less than two hours.”
“I-” Daisuke opened his mouth to protest, but gave up under the look Ken was giving him. There was really no point. Ken understood him too damn well. He sighed, and plopped down on the floor next to Ken. “Fine. Dibs on the blue controller.”
Ken handed it to him with a smile that was way too innocent to be genuine. Daisuke stuck his tongue out at him.
They played three rounds without speaking (other than the cursing at the screen that Daisuke still couldn’t convince Ken was a vital part of playing fighting games). Their digimon cheered them on, but Daisuke was convinced that mostly happened because V-mon liked getting Wormmon to yell in excitement. After the third round, Daisuke groaned and put down the controller.
“If you want to cheer me up, you could go easy on me,” he said.
“You’d hate that way more than losing,” Ken replied, accurately.
“Yeah. I would.” Daisuke laid back on the floor, hands behind his head. Ken’s ceiling wasn’t particularly interesting to look at, and he sighed. “I knew she wasn’t going to like me back before we even got to middle school. It’s just… well, I could always think there was a chance, even if I knew it wasn’t really a chance. And now I know there’s definitely not a chance. It’s just so final, you know? And I know that she doesn’t have to like me just because I’ve had a crush on her for so long. I know that.”
“But when you feel so much for someone for so long and know they don’t feel the same… it really hurts,” Ken said softly.
There was a tone in his voice that made Daisuke sit back up and look at him. There was a glimmer in Ken’s eyes that Daisuke was sure no one else would have noticed. Well, Wormmon would have. Maybe Mrs. Ichijouji, too. But Daisuke was certain none of their friends would have. Ken was on the verge of tears.
“You’re sad,” he said.
“I’m-”
“You’re not just sad on my behalf,” Daisuke continued, “You… you really know what it feels like. Someone rejected you?”
How the hell did someone like Ken get rejected? Ken was smart and athletic, even without the Dark Seed’s power, and he was good looking – practically every girl in Tokyo thought so! And when had it even happened? Surely Ken would have told him about something like that, unless it had just happened recently – but, no, they’d seen each other four times in the last two weeks and Ken definitely hadn’t been upset any of the times they’d met up.
“It’s not – I didn’t exactly,” Ken was turning pink as Daisuke stared at him, “I know that the person I like doesn’t like me back.”
He looked down, the blush going all the way down his neck, and reached out for Wormmon, who was crawling forward to comfort him.
“But you didn’t actually confess?” Daisuke asked.
“Ken-chan,” Wormmon said softly, “Maybe -” He stopped with a squeak as Ken hugged him tightly.
“There’s no point in confessing,” Ken said, “I know I don’t have a chance.”
“No you don’t!” Daisuke insisted, “You can’t know that for sure! I hear girls sighing over you every time we go somewhere!”
“Motomiya.”
“Look, if you’re scared to say something, maybe I can help you.”
“Daisuke, don’t be stupid!” Ken snapped, “I know what I’m talking about, and you don’t. Just drop it!”
Daisuke drew back, shocked at the outburst. Of course, Ken had called him stupid sometimes before, but never like that. Never like he actually actually thought Daisuke was stupid instead of hot-headed and impulsive. When was the last time Ken had actually sounded angry at him?
“Ken, I – I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
For a moment, Ken sat there like a statue. Then he put his hand over his face and sighed, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that. I know you’re trying to help – you always try to help me, but…” - he groaned – “Fuck.”
That was almost more shocking than Ken getting angry at him. Daisuke spoke carefully, “I mean, I obviously crossed a line, even if I don’t know where it was. You don’t get upset with me like that unless I deserve it -”
“You didn’t,” Ken interrupted. “You didn’t deserve it, and I’m sorry. It’s just… to explain it I need to tell you something I – I’m really scared to say.”
Daisuke reached out and took Ken’s wrist, gently drawing his hand away from his face, so he could look him in the eyes, “We’re partners. You don’t have to be afraid to tell me anything.”
“Ken-chan, you know you’ll feel better if you tell him,” Wormmon said encouragingly.
Ken took a shaky breath, “I – I know that the person I like won’t return my feelings. Because I’m gay, and the boy I like isn’t.”
“Oh.” Daisuke wasn’t sure how to react. It definitely seemed like a big thing to not know about his best friend, and Ken clearly thought it was a big deal if he’d never said anything before. How did he reassure Ken that it didn’t matter to him without sounding like he didn’t care? “Did – did you really think it would upset me? You’re still you.”
Ken gave him a look, and Daisuke felt himself begin to flush with embarrassment as he remembered some of the jokes he’d cracked with the other members of the soccer team over the years. He hadn’t thought anything of them, he’d just made those jokes because they were the kind of jokes the team made, but looking back… it wasn’t exactly the kind of thing that would give his closeted best friend a whole lot of confidence in his reaction.
“Oh,” he said again, and let go of Ken’s wrist, “Oh no. I’ve been a real asshole, haven’t I?”
Ken’s eyes went wide with shock, “What? No! You’re not -”
“I’ve said some really awful things. It shouldn’t have taken me realizing I was saying them about you to realize I was being an asshole.”
“Daisuke, you’re not an asshole,” Ken said firmly, and something about how solemnly he said it was almost funny, “You’re warm-hearted and generous, and one of the best people I know. You made some jokes without thinking about them. And now you have thought about them and you can do better from now on. You’ve spent seven years telling me that. Now apply it to yourself.”
“You’re right. I just,” Daisuke clapped his hands together and bowed his head in apology, “I’m really, really sorry that the way I acted made you scared to tell me something. I always want to be a friend you can trust.”
“You are. I trust you with my life, Motomiya,” he smiled, “I mean, you’ve saved it enough times. I wasn’t scared to tell you because I thought you’d take it badly. It’s just scary to tell anyone something so personal.”
Daisuke nodded. He understood that, more or less. He wasn’t a very private person, but Ken was. Even after all this time, he knew that Ken still had a hard time opening up to most people. Daisuke felt very lucky to be an exception to the rule.
“Now come on,” Ken said, handing Daisuke the game controller he’d dropped, “Think you can tie up the score before mom calls us for dinner?”
“You’re on!”
Still, even as they started a fourth round and Daisuke tried to remember the right combos, part of him was thinking about what Ken had said. Hikari-chan hadn’t returned his feelings, but to fall for someone who was fundamentally incompatible? That had to be way worse. Poor Ken.
Maybe he could do something to help.