Chapter Text
“Well, I’d say today’s progress on the case deserves a drink or two. You know, in the spirit of cooperation between the FBI and NCIS.” Jesse said as he looked at the members of his Team and one FBI Special Agent, Kate Whistler, after they had made a significant breakthrough in another high-profile case.
While Kai, Ernie and Jane nodded in agreement, Kate did not. “Sorry, Jesse, I wish I could, but I have a report that I have to hand in tomorrow morning and if I go out with you guys, I don’t think I’ll be able to finish it in time.” she said with a small apologetic smile.
“Oh, c’mon.” Kai said. “I’m sure your boss could cut you some slack, you deserve a little break.”
“I wish that were the case, but given all the FBI’s intel used on this case, he wants all his Ts crossed and Is dotted ASAP.” Kate said.
“Well, should you finish sooner than expected, you’re welcome to join us.” Jane offered with a smile.
“Definitely. Alright, I’m off now. Have fun, guys and see you tomorrow.” Kate said…
…looking at everyone but one person, the only one that had not uttered a word so far. And she was greeted in return by everyone but that one person as she started walking toward the elevator.
“Luce, you in or out?” Ernie asked, looking at the Lucy. No response. “Lucy?” he called her again.
“Hm…?” Lucy finally reacted as the sound of her name had somehow managed to penetrate her clouded brain. “Yes, just give me a minute.” she returned as she hurried toward the elevator and Kate. “Whistler… Wait up!” she said just as the elevator door opened and Kate was about to step inside.
“What’s up?” Kate returned as she turned to look at Lucy, trying her best to keep her expression neutral.
“I wanted to thank you for your help on the case…” Lucy said. ‘Especially, the interrogation.’ she added internally.
“You don’t have to thank me, Lucy.” Kate said. “I was just doing my job. I am the FBI liaison to NCIS, after all.” she pointed out matter-of-factly. Her response was not rude or impolite, and yet she caught the slightest drop in Lucy’s face.
“Yes, I know. But, still, your intel was what had made it possible for us to crack open the case.” Lucy returned, trying to keep the hurt off of her face and out of her voice.
Kate nodded curtly. “I’m glad I could help.”
A few beats of awkward silence followed and Kate instinctively glanced towards the bullpen – even though everyone suddenly appeared to be otherwise occupied, she knew they were really focused on the two of them, and it made her feel uncomfortable. “Alright, I should really get going…” she said as she turned toward the elevator again.
But just as she was about to step inside, Lucy’s question stopped her in her tracks. “Did you really mean all those things you said earlier in the interrogation?”
Of course she had. But after their last ‘private’ exchange a few days earlier, during which Lucy had told her that Kate had broken her heart because she loved her and then walked away without giving her a chance to reply; Kate had decided she had had enough of trying to win Lucy back. And this question was the final straw. She still wanted Lucy back more than anything because she loved her with all of her heart, but she had reached her limit in terms of the punches she was willing to take without a chance to defend herself. She took a quick breath, stilled herself and turned to face Lucy again.
“What difference would that make one way or the other?” she asked.
The shock on Lucy’s face was evident. She did not expect this question. “What do you mean?!” she stuttered slightly.
“I mean, what does it matter?” Kate returned. “You’ve made it painfully clear that we are over. And whenever I’ve tried to explain things to you, you shot me down. Time and again. I know I’ve hurt you by not telling you about Cara and I am truly sorry for that. But, I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep asking you to listen to me when you clearly don’t want to. I feel like I’ve been hitting a wall, again and again. So, I am done, Lucy. I am done trying to save whatever it is that we had.” Kate’s jaw clenched with that last bit. “You want us to be over. Then, that’s how it’ll be.” She drew a quick breath as she willed her tears not to well up. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a report to write.”
With that, she turned around and entered the elevator, leaving a stunned and even more broken Lucy behind. Lucy tried to stop her tears from sliding down her cheeks, but she couldn’t. Kate and her were over. They were truly over. She had not expected this. Even though she had said it more than once, she had not really meant it. She was just hurting, like she had never hurt before. But she never thought that Kate would actually listen to her. But now, she had. As a wave of fresh pain hit her, her tears started to fall faster. She refused to turn around to face her colleagues and friends; she could not face them now. Instead, she hurried toward the staircase, alone and crying.
Suddenly, the rest of the team had lost all the will to celebrate. Even though they couldn’t hear the actual words being said, the general demeanor and the eventual result, had told them everything they needed to know.
“Should we…” Kai started.
“No.” Jane interrupted him. “I think it’s best to leave them alone now. Both of them. If they want to talk to any of us, they’ll reach out.”
“Suddenly, I don’t feel like celebrating, anymore.” Ernie vocalized when they had all been thinking. He wished he could help Lucy, and Kate too, but he also knew that Jane was right. It was better if he did not. For now, at least.
“Yeah, I think we should take a rain check on that drink.” Jesse agreed.
“So, what now? Do we wait here or?” Kai asked.
“I think we should stay here for a few more minutes and then leave.” Jane suggested.
And that was what they did.
As the elevator door closed, Kate closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths in an effort to keep her tears from falling. She was adamant not to let them fall until she reached her home. Remarkably, she succeeded. But as soon as she closed the door to her home, some half an hour later, the tears started and she broke down. She did not fight it. She just walked over to the couch, sat down and cried.
Kate Whistler had always been a strong woman, both thanks to her personality and her upbringing and training. She was brought up with the concept of ‘the stiff upper lip’ and having to be the ‘the bad cop’ most of the time, meant that she had to be able to roll with the punches and not let them get to her. And she had been able to do that. She had been able to take a lot and most of it in stride. All of this also meant that rarely cried. And she almost always cried alone. The last time she cried with more than two people present had been at her brother’s funeral.
More than two, because after that came Lucy, and despite all her efforts and expectations, Lucy had almost effortlessly managed to bypass all of Kate’s defenses and get to see her vulnerable side - the side Kate that had carefully tried to keep hidden from everyone, even her immediate family – her late brother notwithstanding. She had not even fully realized what Lucy had done until it was already too late. Given how they first met, and the fact that they were supposed to be nothing more than a three-day fling; when they met again at the NCIS bullpen, Kate had reacted on instinct and her ‘reserved’ side kicked in. But it had not lasted long, because even if she had never uttered it aloud, Kate had felt an instant bond with Lucy, and once they had decided to give their relationship a try, she had found herself slowly but surely opening up more and more to Lucy. For the first time in a relationship, Kate had truly started to let her guard down and relax. In large part, it was thanks to Lucy’s expressiveness and her ability to always say just the right thing to make Kate feel at ease. Lucy had also gained her trust to the point that she had actually talked with her about her brother, just weeks before Cara had showed up at her doorstep.
Cara, the second biggest mistake of her life to date, the first being not telling Lucy about her. Things between Kate and Cara had never been anything more than physical and so the fact that she had just showed up out of the blue had taken Kate completely by surprise and wreaked havoc on her life. She did not blame Lucy for feeling hurt and mad, and she would have been willing to do whatever it took to have Lucy forgive her. She knew she had been wrong in not telling her, but she truly did believe that her and Cara were over. Moreover, she had been genuinely scared of the level of intensity of her feelings for Lucy. She had never felt anything similar before and she had hoped that she could really make Lucy understand that. Unfortunately, Lucy had been relentlessly unwilling to give her even a chance to explain, let alone for Kate to try to make it up to her.
And days had turned into weeks, until finally after Lucy’s admission of - “You broke my heart into a million pieces because I loved you, Kate.” - Kate lost all hope. At that moment, Kate had realized that she would probably never have Lucy’s forgiveness. And even though their joint suspect interrogation that day, had offered her some ‘hints’ of hope, Lucy’s question by the elevator had made her finally throw in the towel.
One of the things that about having ‘the stiff upper lip’ upbringing was knowing when to walk away. Regardless of how hard it may be. And it was hard. The pain Kate felt the moment she said she was done to Lucy, could only be compared to the pain of losing her brother Noah. It took everything she had not to break down at that moment. She could clearly see the shock on Lucy’s face when she countered her question with her own, and for a split second, she almost gave in. And actually uttering the words – I’m done – almost broke her resolve, but she felt she had to do it. For her sanity and Lucy’s. She had no doubt that it was going to take a long time for her to get over Lucy because she had never loved anyone as much as she loved her. In fact, she was not even certain that she would ever be able to get over her completely. But, she had to try, at least. For now, though, she would just cry, hoping that the tears would dull the pain at least a little.
Lucy walked to Ernie’s office because it was sort of her ‘safe place’ and she needed a few minutes to pull herself together enough to walk to her car, and not run into Kate in the process. She only hoped that Ernie would not come looking for her. She knew he meant well, but she just could not handle him right now. She could not handle anyone. Kate’s words broke her.
Lucy Tara had always been a strong, independent woman, who had spent a large part of her life before moving out of her family home, trying to decipher whether people wanted her because of her or because of her family’s money. And she had been burned more than once. She had been lied to, cheated on and deceived and every time it would happen, it hurt. Eventually, she had learned to hide herself from people and just show them the surface, which they couldn’t really hurt. And it had been working rather well for her. Until, she met Kate. Because with the first smile that the blonde gave her, all her determination had disappeared. She had never felt anything similar before or since. And even though she really did think it was just going to be those three days and then never again - and even though she tried to deny it - she felt this incredible pull toward the tall blonde and there was nothing she could do to stop it. After their encounter was over, she had gone back to the bar often in hopes of maybe running into her again. And she would often find herself thinking about her and comparing her to those few dates she had been on since her - they all fell short by miles. And then when she saw Kate walk into their bullpen one day, Lucy’s heart fluttered.
It had not been easy. Kate had been hesitant, but she seemed to have finally reached a point where she was at ease with the two of them and not just when they were alone, but also around the bullpen, which had made Lucy happy. She also felt she could trust Kate completely. She had told her things about her family she had not shared with anyone else at the office and that not a lot of people knew. And that faithful day - she had almost said the word ‘love’ to Kate. In fact, that afternoon she most likely would have, had it not been for Cara who opened the door.
At that instant, Lucy’s world crumbled, her heart broke and her defenses went back up. Kate had lied to her. She had lied to her just like everyone else. But, hindsight is always 20/20. And she did recognized the fact that since then, Kate had done nothing but try to apologize and explain things. And also, she had to be honest with herself and say that she would not let her. There were moments where she knew she was being too harsh. After all, they had not been together for that long and Kate did turn down a promotion to be closer to her, and she did tell her that she meant a lot to her and that she was "the most amazing woman she had ever met". But Lucy still could not help it – Kate’s betrayal hurt a lot more than all the others combined and it was because she loved her more than she had loved anyone else before her. And it was still true, despite of what she had told Kate days earlier. And it was precisely because she still loved her so much that Kate’s renunciation of their relationship hurt that much more.
After a few minutes in Ernie's office, Lucy finally felt composed enough to leave. Moreover, she was also certain that Kate had already left. She went down the stairs and walked to the parking lot, not running into anyone on the way. She figured that the rest of the team had already gone to that celebratory drink. As she sat down behind the wheel of her car, she took a deep breath. She took out her phone, and as it came to life, she realized she had yet another unanswered text from Skyler. She read it and texted back: ‘Sorry, got held up on a case again. I’ll call you tomorrow. We need to talk.’ She realized she was being unfair to Skyler, who was a very nice person and under different circumstances, she could easily imagine herself falling for her. However, under these circumstances, she knew she would only be stringing her along, which was not fair and she was going to end it. Tomorrow.
Her phone buzzed with another text. This time it was from Jesse saying that he was there if she needed him. A small smile crossed Lucy's lips as she texted back a reply. ‘I know. Thank you.’
As she sent the message and was about to put the phone down, she accidentally pressed the shortcut icon that opened a picture folder – the one of photos she had of Kate. Of course it did. Of Kate smiling. Lucy swallowed hard. She had taken that particular photo the first time she had stayed the night at Kate’s – the same night she had ‘lost’ her tennis bracelet. Kate usually did not like to have her picture taken, the downside of being a government agent with high/top clearance – always on the lookout. And Lucy understood that, but she was also sorry because, aside from being the most beautiful woman she had ever met, Kate was also incredibly photogenic and she had never failed to take Lucy’s breath away. A lone tear slid down Lucy’s cheek. As she wiped it off - she made a decision. She took a quick breath, started her car and drove out of the parking lot.
As the initial onslaught of emotions subsided, Kate wiped off her eyes, stood up, poured herself a glass of wine and walked onto her balcony and sat down. She really hoped that no one would text or call her for the rest of the night. She just wanted to be alone so that she could absorbed the latest – and perhaps final - developments in her relationship with Lucy; or what had been left of it.
Unfortunately, as soon as she took the first sip of her wine from her mason jar, her phone signaled the arrival of a new text. She picked it up, reluctantly, but was immediately slightly relieved. It was from Tennant and it said – ‘I’m here if you need to talk, vent or just drink in silence.’ A small smile formed in the corner of Kate’s mouth as she texted back. ‘Thank you.’
She then put the phone back and inhaled deeply. She knew that getting over Lucy was going to be one of the hardest things she had ever had to do, but she also knew that she had to find a way to do it. For the time being though, she would leave things as they were, in terms of working with NCIS, and should it become too much, she could always ask to be reassigned or even see if the offer for that D.C job was still an option. However, she hoped it would not come to that because she was tired of running. This time, she actually wanted to stay.
As she took another sip of her wine, she heard a knock on her door. So much for a night alone with her thoughts! She put the mason jar down, got up and went to open the door. As she did, her breath caught.